Flatmate's new boyfriend has been here every night for the past 5 weeks

Mac-Chops

I was the guy staying over in this situation a while back. Mrs was working and living close to where I was finishing college..handy for me.

She didn't mind of course nor did the flatmates seem to but I still felt like a spare pr*ck and would make sure I didn't stay over more than 3 nights in the week. OP has a fair point I reckon and the guy has some neck staying every night for such an extended period of time.

Smondie

runawaybishop wrote: »

They are not though -op said they are around during the day at the weekend.

Frankly even if they were in the room all the time i wouldn't be happy. Op should get some say in who she shares a house with.

She could choose the weekend as her 2 nights stay over. If so, that wouldn't make much difference to the op's situation.

Smondie

Smondie wrote: »

She could choose the weekend as her 2 nights stay over. If so, that wouldn't make much difference to the op's situation.

Not staying two nights in a row on a regular basis* would be another reasonable house rule.

*obviously people will have friends from elsewhere come to stay for a weekend every now and then, this is totally different to a regular weekend stay over from bfs/gfs.

Smondie

Camron Wet Smugness wrote: »

Smondie wrote: »

She could choose the weekend as her 2 nights stay over. If so, that wouldn't make much difference to the op's situation.

Not staying two nights in a row on a regular basis* would be another reasonable house rule.

*obviously people will have friends from elsewhere come to stay for a weekend every now and then, this is totally different to a regular weekend stay over from bfs/gfs.

Would there be a chart kept?

oppenheimer1

Smondie wrote: »

Would there be a chart kept?

If say he keeps the sign in sheet by the door.:rolleyes:

oppenheimer1

oppenheimer1 wrote: »

If say he keeps the sign in sheet by the door.:rolleyes:

I'm not saying I have to make these rules, I don't need to as nobody I live with has guests staying multiple times per week and neither do I (nor would I as it's unfair on housemates). If someone was doing it too often I'd either tell them straight or make it awkward from them, sitting in the living room with them etc until they get the message (worked before).

Most houseshares people don't take the p*ss so there is no need for making rules or saying anything, the op's situation is totally unacceptable though.

Smondie

Camron Wet Smugness wrote: »

oppenheimer1 wrote: »

If say he keeps the sign in sheet by the door.:rolleyes:

I'm not saying I have to make these rules, I don't need to as nobody I live with has guests staying multiple times per week and neither do I (nor would I as it's unfair on housemates). If someone was going it too often I'd either tell them straight or make it awkward from them, sitting in the living room with them etc until they get the message (worked before).

Most houseshares people don't take the p*ss so there is no need for making rules or saying anything, the op's situation is totally unacceptable though.

The op says they spend the time in her bedroom. Would you suggest going in there and sitting in the middle of the two of them?

jackofalltrades

It sounds like as a couple they're doing what causes less hassle, rather than thinking things through.
They obviously didn't understand a word that the other flatmate said to them.
And they'll keep staying at yours until you say something, because right know they probably think you're being sound about it.
They could be extra defensive this time because you''ll be the second person to say it to them and they can't just go somewhere else.
So be prepared for that.

I'd say something sooner rather than later, the longer you leave it the more they'll settle in to this routine.
And if the relationship lasts and the initial honeymoon stage ends, I'd expect them to spend more time in the communal areas.

RabbleRouser2k

It can be annoying if they bring someone over 2 or 3 times a week if you feel like they are just taking the piddle out you.
Bringing him over the entire week....yeah, not cool.

Like I had one room mate who gave out to me for waking up her boyfriend when he stayed over. I was paying my rent, he wasn't, and I had to make an important phone call. He was a light sleeper to be honest. Tenants can complain, stayover folk can't.

He's not paying rent, but if he is troubling you, cos he's noisy or whatever, or maybe taking space, yeah, not cool. Also, there are things like ESB, and while the water charges are suspended, if he sticks around, you're gonna be paying his share of that too.
I'd have a word, with your room mate. Also, if she gets hostile about it, maybe mention it to your landlord.

He's not a tenant, so fi you have to get a new room mate, so be it.

SusanC10

I must confess that I am confused reading this thread and similar ones to it. Maybe I am old and granted it has been a long time since I rented in a houseshare scenario but I don't get the issue of having BFs / GFs etc staying over. Although that being said - 5 weeks of 7 nights a week is a bit strange.

When I started going out with a BF who was in Dublin and I was down the country and living at home with the folks to save money I would go up 3 out of every 4 weekends to Dublin and stay with him for the whole weekend. He lived with 3 others and 2 out of the 3 were a couple themselves. I was always made to feel very welcome.

When I moved to Dublin myself, my BF and I used to mostly split the week between our 2 places and possibly only spent 1/2 nights a week apart unless one of us was studying or had an important day the following day etc.

It was the same with my now-Husband. Once we became serious I think we rarely spent a night apart. Each of us was very welcome in each other's house-shares. As were the OHs of all other house-mates. There was no mentions of Bills, needing Kitchen / Common areas to ourselves etc.

I don't know. We all got on very well. We were friends (not necessarily before we were house-mates) and I would be in contact with all of my housemates from both of my house-shares in Dublin still - 15 years later and having left Dublin.

oppenheimer1

Camron Wet Smugness wrote: »

Not staying two nights in a row on a regular basis* would be another reasonable house rule.

*obviously people will have friends from elsewhere come to stay for a weekend every now and then, this is totally different to a regular weekend stay over from bfs/gfs.

While I've always had reasonable housemates it's posts like this that make me glad I don't share with strangers any more. I've had people stay with me for several e weeks in the past and it never caused any issues, as I have had flatmates do the same.

There are simply too many people out there that are not suited to sharing because they seemingly have great difficulty with their housemates maintaining romantic relationships. Being in a relationship is normal and couples sspendin a lot of time together is normal. so seeing bf/gfs around the shared house is part and parcel of sharing accommodation.

Shop40

Every night over 5 weeks is not "staying over", it actually means he's living there.
OP, you're right to have a problem. At the very least he should be contributing to the rent!

oppenheimer1

oppenheimer1 wrote: »

While I've always had reasonable housemates it's posts like this that make me glad I don't share with strangers any more. I've had people stay with me for several e weeks in the past and it never caused any issues, as I have had flatmates do the same.

There are simply too many people out there that are not suited to sharing because they seemingly have great difficulty with their housemates maintaining romantic relationships. Being in a relationship is normal and couples sspendin a lot of time together is normal. so seeing bf/gfs around the shared house is part and parcel of sharing accommodation.

I would consider myself a very reasonable housemate, as I said someone staying over twice or even three times a week I woundn't have a problem with (though I'd prefer it didn't happen too often if they were using common areas). The main reason I was suggesting fairly strict rules is because if you give an inch people take a mile. I've never had to actually introduce these rules as everyone bar one I've lived with haven't had peope stay over very often.

It's all well and good but what happens if 3 people in a house constantly have their bf/gfs over that 6 people in a 3 person house, a total mess.

I don't see the need some people have for staying in each other's houses every night when they aren't living together, in fact id find all that going to and fro very tiresome. I'm in a long term relationship and my gf would stay over at absolute most twice some weeks, normally once and often no times. I would stay at hers once or twice some weeks, sometimes not at all etc. Overall we would normally spend only two nights a week together. The person in the op is a new relationship, I'm years in one and don't see the need for spending every night in each other's house. if you want to see each other a lot more move in together when the time is right, a thing I will be doing soon.

Big Pussy Bonpensiero

It really isn't until you move out and start living with other people that you realise how little cop on some people have.

No one likes a couple (in this context), or at least nearly no one. People really should have the cop on to realise that. In my experience, it's nearly always 2 types of people that cause these types of problems; 1. People in their first relationship caught up in the honeymoon phase. These people have also never been on the receiving end of one of these couples, and 2. Ignorant people that just don't care about other people's problems. These people are dickheads and it frequently enough requries moving in with said person to realise that.


OP, I think most people see this situation as unacceptable. You'll never get a full consensus on anything anyway. You need to confront her about this. My advice would be talk to her about it and make her see reason. For this, you need to prepare in your head what to say. I definitely wouldn't put a fixed limit on the amount of days a visitor can stay over, but hint that the bf should be in his own place more often than not (i.e. max 3 nights a week - but don't say that specifically - unless it doesn't work). If she does kick up a fuss, tell her that if she needs to be with her bf all the time that they should get a place of their own, as her relationship should not be imapcting on your life.


Also, as for the tool that suggested that you would look jealous by making an issue of this, unless the poeple in question are 17 then yeah, that might be seen as your problem. Other than that, she'll understand your grievances, if she's doesn't she either a cow, or acting the cow.

Elliott S

Smondie wrote: »

She could choose the weekend as her 2 nights stay over. If so, that wouldn't make much difference to the op's situation.

When I was staying over at my fella's regularly a few years back, it was decided that it would be every other weekend, as his housemate felt he couldn't completely relax with a girlfriend there and weekends are relaxation time so the other week, the nights I stayed were during the week. Totally fair.

Smondie

THFC wrote: »

It really isn't until you move out and start living with other people that you realise how little cop on some people have.

No one likes a couple (in this context), or at least nearly no one. People really should have the cop on to realise that. In my experience, it's nearly always 2 types of people that cause these types of problems; 1. People in their first relationship caught up in the honeymoon phase. These people have also never been on the receiving end of one of these couples, and 2. Ignorant people that just don't care about other people's problems. These people are dickheads and it frequently enough requries moving in with said person to realise that.


OP, I think most people see this situation as unacceptable. You'll never get a full consensus on anything anyway. You need to confront her about this. My advice would be talk to her about it and make her see reason. For this, you need to prepare in your head what to say. I definitely wouldn't put a fixed limit on the amount of days a visitor can stay over, but hint that the bf should be in his own place more often than not (i.e. max 3 nights a week - but don't say that specifically - unless it doesn't work). If she does kick up a fuss, tell her that if she needs to be with her bf all the time that they should get a place of their own, as her relationship should not be imapcting on your life.


Also, as for the tool that suggested that you would look jealous by making an issue of this, unless the poeple in question are 17 then yeah, that might be seen as your problem. Other than that, she'll understand your grievances, if she's doesn't she either a cow, or acting the cow.

A tool, a dickhead, a cow


Wow, so much anger

Elliott S

SusanC10 wrote: »

I must confess that I am confused reading this thread and similar ones to it. Maybe I am old and granted it has been a long time since I rented in a houseshare scenario but I don't get the issue of having BFs / GFs etc staying over. Although that being said - 5 weeks of 7 nights a week is a bit strange.

When I started going out with a BF who was in Dublin and I was down the country and living at home with the folks to save money I would go up 3 out of every 4 weekends to Dublin and stay with him for the whole weekend. He lived with 3 others and 2 out of the 3 were a couple themselves. I was always made to feel very welcome.

When I moved to Dublin myself, my BF and I used to mostly split the week between our 2 places and possibly only spent 1/2 nights a week apart unless one of us was studying or had an important day the following day etc.

It's the same now, most people are fine with boyfriends/girlfriend being in the house one or two nights. It's been mentioned numerous times in this thread too so I don't know why you think that has changed. Between the two rentals, couples are still able to see each other four nights a week usually. In the case where one is living at home, I guess it depends on how the parents feel about GFs/BFs staying over.

Staying over five nights a weeks is not acceptable and I very much doubt it would have been twenty years ago either. Rose-tinted specs!

Mrs OBumble

With them mainly in the room and having an ensuite, I'd prefer them to stay lots of nights and be quiet about it, then just a couple with loud sex happening on those nights.

If they were getting in your way, it would be a problem. But if you hardly ever see them then I just don't see the issue.

Big Pussy Bonpensiero

Smondie wrote: »

A tool, a dickhead, a cow


Wow, so much anger

I've been a tenant for over 6 years now, call it anger if you want, but I've seen people put in awful situations by some of the most ignorant peolpe you'll find. Luckily I've never experienced anything of the sort myself, but I know the anguish problems like these cause people. Those words are quite moderate considering. And cow?? Don't be so easily offended

Elliott S

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

With them mainly in the room and having an ensuite, I'd prefer them to stay lots of nights and be quiet about it, then just a couple with loud sex happening on those nights.

If they were getting in your way, it would be a problem. But if you hardly ever see them then I just don't see the issue.

Even with them not being seen, bills are going to be pushed up. He's not not showering for five days in a row, and she might be doing washing for him on the sly too. If they are not noisy over five nights, then why would they be having "loud sex" over two nights? What a strange dichotomy.

And as said, for now, they're staying in her room. That might change.

Smondie

THFC wrote: »

Smondie wrote: »

A tool, a dickhead, a cow


Wow, so much anger

I've been a tenant for over 6 years now, call it anger if you want, but I've seen people put in awful situations by some of the most ignorant peolpe you'll find. Luckily I've never experienced anything of the sort myself, but I know the anguish problems like these cause people. Those words are quite moderate considering. And cow?? Don't be so easily offended

I'm not offended, don't worry! It was some rant though

Forced watching Eastenders for 5 nights and noisy sex for the other two seem to be the order of the day

Big Pussy Bonpensiero

Smondie wrote: »

I'm not offended, don't worry! It was some rant though

Forced watching Eastenders for 5 nights and noisy sex for the other two seem to be the order of the day

Aye I've built up an intolerance to ignorant people over the years

oppenheimer1

THFC wrote: »

Aye I've built up an intolerance to ignorant people over the years

It looks like some of that ignorance has rubbed off on you as well.

inforfun

Propose to split the rent by 1 more person. They might take the hint.

Ursus Horribilis

inforfun wrote: »

Propose to split the rent by 1 more person. They might take the hint.

The danger with this is that they'll say OK. There's no coming back from an offer like that.

OP, unlike some of the people here, I would be very unhappy about a flatmate's other half staying over as often as this. Your only option is to say it to her and to name a number of nights a week that's acceptable to you. It's not a nice conversation to have but you will have to be polite but firm. This issue has come up in all sorts of guises on boards over time.

witchgirl26

I would have stayed at my other half's a bit when we were going out (I didn't have housemates so no issue on that side) but we always made sure that it wasn't more than half the week and if it was going to be for whatever reason, we gave the housemates a heads up. I think it's fine if it's an occassional thing but the OP didn't sign up to share with a couple and essentially, even if they're sticking to her room, that is what is happening now if it's going on for 5 weeks.

I think the best thing to do is to sit down with your housemate OP and say that while you don't have an issue with the boyfriend staying over some of the nights a week, it really isn't fair that he's been staying so much. If the place isn't too big, you can use the whole "it's not really an apartment/house that's made to house 3 adults" argument. It's not an easy conversation but I do think it's a bit much going on for so long.

inforfun

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

The danger with this is that they'll say OK. There's no coming back from an offer like that.

OP, unlike some of the people here, I would be very unhappy about a flatmate's other half staying over as often as this. Your only option is to say it to her and to name a number of nights a week that's acceptable to you. It's not a nice conversation to have but you will have to be polite but firm. This issue has come up in all sorts of guises on boards over time.

Should have added, the rent of the last 5 weeks.

I actually doubt that someone who stays every single night for 5 weeks is paying rent elsewhere.

Utdfan20titles

Tell the landlord

Smondie

Utdfan20titles wrote: »

Tell the landlord

The landlord should not have to act as a mediator between 2 grown adults. If you have an issue sort it out face to face with your flatmate.

Ursus Horribilis

inforfun wrote: »

I actually doubt that someone who stays every single night for 5 weeks is paying rent elsewhere.

Maybe, maybe not. I shared a house with a woman who continued to rent her room while staying over in her boyfriend's place most nights a week.