Flatmate's new boyfriend has been here every night for the past 5 weeks

inforfun

Yeah... most.

The OP mentions every single night for the last 5 weeks. 35 days in a row.

Smondie

Smondie wrote: »

The landlord should not have to act as a mediator between 2 grown adults. If you have an issue sort it out face to face with your flatmate.

Some LL are very strict on the number of people living in a house/apartment. One example would be a couple I know living in a large two bedroom apartment and they are strictly forbidden to have more than two people living there despite having a large second room.

Tell me how

Smondie wrote:

The landlord should not have to act as a mediator between 2 grown adults. If you have an issue sort it out face to face with your flatmate.

In fairness to the OP, that is what they intend doing.

I think it's laughable some people think this is acceptable. The odd night, a few consecutive nights once in a while, weekends. All understandable and realistic but "EVERY" night? That's taking the proverbial.

Say it to your flatmate, tell her you find it unreasonable and don't apologize for feeling this way would be my advice.

Julez

Its a bit cheeky for sure. I can't see how people are OK with this. Put it this way, if it was just you in a two bed apartment and someone moved into the spare room. You might not really see them very often, but would you want them to pay rent, electricity, tv, internet? Of course you would, this isn't much different.

If they both seem sound enough, why not suggest he moves in? Split rent in a way that's fair to everyone. Bills split three ways. You save money on rent and bills, he saves money by not renting wherever else he is.

Either way, you should really just sit down and see what the story is.

Elliott S

inforfun wrote: »

I actually doubt that someone who stays every single night for 5 weeks is paying rent elsewhere.

Yes, I was in a houseshare before where one the girl's BF stayed every weeknight and often all weekend (I was a noob and all the other housemates were buds and were fine with it and it had been like that for ages before I moved in so I could say nothing. :rolleyes:) and he was living at home. Or rather "living at home". He and his GF were saving for a mortgage. Such bullshít, they both had really well-paying jobs. He was having his cake and eating it too.

It was late 2012-2013 and I was only paying €280 for the not-very-boxy smallest room in the house and they did stay in their room mostly so I couldn't get too upset but it was the principle of the damn thing. He was a light sleeper and his GF used to be asking me to keep it down if I was pottering around the kitchen batch-cooking at, like, 9:30pm because "he can't sleep with the noise". Cheeky fecker. And to make it worse, my boyfriend at the time might only stay one weekend out of eight (I'd go to him way more at the weekends as his housemate was away most weekends) and she'd make me feel awkward about me being in the living room with my BF for even for a few hours on those very, very infrequent weekends he stayed with me. (and he never stayed during the week, we lived in different cities) So, even if a couple stay in their room mostly, mine is an example of how overstaying can be aggravating.

inforfun

inforfun wrote: »

Should have added, the rent of the last 5 weeks.

I actually doubt that someone who stays every single night for 5 weeks is paying rent elsewhere.

You would be surprised, one of the best housemates I ever had was a lad that rented the room in the house for a few years before I moved in and for nearly two years while I was there and he stayed in the house on average of about once a week, you mightn't see him for two or three weeks at times. He was renting another room close to his work which was outside town and also stayed with his gf some nights. He paid 1/3 of rent and all bills too hence why he was a great house mate, I was only living with one other person in practice bar an odd night but only paying 1/3 of the rent and bills.

Julez wrote: »

If they both seem sound enough, why not suggest he moves in? Split rent in a way that's fair to everyone. Bills split three ways. You save money on rent and bills, he saves money by not renting wherever else he is.

Either way, you should really just sit down and see what the story is.

You are living with an extra person then and to make it worse a couple. The op moved in with one other person and most likely does not want to live with 2 others so I think its a very bad idea to even suggest this. Sharing is an unfortunate necessity and the majority of people want to live with as few others as they can afford to.

The fact they are cheeky enough to do what they are doing alone would be enough to want the bf not living there.

noodler

I'd absolutely be freaked with that situation.

They are obviously making the effort not always be in the communal space but I deliberately pay more in rent so I that I only live with one other person max.

Once or twice a week is loads. They can do once or twice in the other half's place. A few nights apart from each other is fine also. Absolutely not unreasonable.

oppenheimer1

Camron Wet Smugness wrote: »

You would be surprised, one of the best housemates I ever had was a lad that rented the room in the house for a few years before I moved in and for nearly two years while I was there and he stayed in the house on average of about once a week, you mightn't see him for two or three weeks at times. He was renting another room close to his work which was outside town and also stayed with his gf some nights. He paid 1/3 of rent and all bills too hence why he was a great house mate, I was only living with one other person in practice bar an odd night but only paying 1/3 of the rent and bills.



You are living with an extra person then and to make it worse a couple. The op moved in with one other person and most likely does not want to live with 2 others so I think its a very bad idea to even suggest this. Sharing is an unfortunate necessity and the majority of people want to live with as few others as they can afford to.

The fact they are cheeky enough to do what they are doing alone would be enough to want the bf not living there.

Your posts display the the characteristics of a person that really is unsuited to sharing tbh. You've said before you try and avoid your housemates in the house where possible and think that a person renting a room but rarely there is a great thing.

People like you who do not like sharing really shouldn't share, but have their own place. A person that gets antsy over the small things that's part and parcel of a communal living arrangement are just a bad housemates as those that take excessive liberties. In my opinion a passive aggressive note about a few unwashed cups is just as annoying as a couple hogging the communal TV for an hour.

Stealthfins

It's unacceptable,anyone who thinks it is acceptable are usually doing something similar themselves,or want to do it.

Sounds like a sick relationship they're having,fckn hell 35 day's...

I hope you're not going to help them pick up the pieces when it falls apart...

Because it's far too intense...

oppenheimer1

oppenheimer1 wrote: »

Your posts display the the characteristics of a person that really is unsuited to sharing tbh. You've said before you try and avoid your housemates in the house where possible and think that a person renting a room but rarely there is a great thing.

I'm very unsuited to sharing like the vast majority of people, its a necessity if you cant afford to live alone, refuse to pay the rent prices to live alone or are saving for a deposit (the first did apply to me in the past and in recent times the 2nd and 3rd reasons apply).

I would imagine 99% of people who houseshare would consider a person renting a room in a houseshare, paying an equal share of everything and never being there as an excellent situation to be in. One less person using the kitchen, living room, bathroom. Lower gas and electricity usage overall but still divided down further as the person not using the stuff is still paying etc etc.

oppenheimer1 wrote: »

People like you who do not like sharing really shouldn't share, but have their own place. A person that gets antsy over the small things that's part and parcel of a communal living arrangement.

But we are not discussing a small thing we are discussing a total disaster of a situation for the op where his housemate has a person staying over every night for the past 5 weeks and who knows how much longer. Its so far out of order its off the charts. On top of everything else is very strange for a new couple to be spending every single night in each others pockets for 5 weeks in a row, not the type of people I'd want to be sharing with.

Elliott S

oppenheimer1 wrote: »

Your posts display the the characteristics of a person that really is unsuited to sharing tbh.

Not wanting people having boyfriends/girlfriends around five nights a weeks has nothing to do with whether you like sharing or not. Most people would find it completely unacceptable. I had one houseshare I was in particular very happy in and I still would not have been happy. An other half staying over every day for five weeks is not a small thing.

Jamsiek

Camron Wet Smugness wrote: »

I'm very unsuited to sharing like the vast majority of people

How do you know what the "vast majority" of people like?
I lived alone once and hated it, having nobody to talk to and trying to find something to kill the boredom rather than watching TV

Camron Wet Smugness wrote: »

I would imagine 99% of people who houseshare would consider a person renting a room in a houseshare, paying an equal share of everything and never being there as an excellent situation to be in.

I can't see this being the case at all, the opposite in fact.
I lived with friends in college and also at work and they were the best days of my life. Regular parties, friends calling over, great times.
We shopped together and took turns cooking, cleaning up, etc. It made things easier.

I can't understand people avoiding each other in their own house, it seems like a horrible way to live. No thanks.

noodler

Jamsiek wrote: »

How do you know what the "vast majority" of people like?
I lived alone once and hated it, having nobody to talk to and trying to find something to kill the boredom rather than watching TV


I can't see this being the case at all, the opposite in fact.
I lived with friends in college and also at work and they were the best days of my life. Regular parties, friends calling over, great times.
We shopped together and took turns cooking, cleaning up, etc.

I can't understand people avoiding each other in their own house, it seems like a horrible way to live. No thanks.

Strikes me as very naive tbh.

Can you not envisage how the current housing situation necessitates a person living with someone who is less than ideal for financial reasons?

Comparisons to college are completely out of place in this discussion IMO.

Elliott S

Jamsiek wrote: »

I can't understand people avoiding each other in their own house, it seems like a horrible way to live. No thanks.

Well, I agree, when I was in houseshares, the ones I found most uncomfortable were where everyone skulked around, studiously avoiding each other. Trying to make the atmosphere less uncomfortable by avoidance actually makes it more uncomfortable. If I was in a houseshare, I wanted to interact with my housemates and have made a handful of friends from housesharing down the years. Can't say I would ever consider housesharing the best years of my life though. Couldn't wait to not have to do it anymore. I love my own company.

Teyla Emmagan

I'm still laughing at the "if you say anything they will think you're jealous of the relationship" comment. That's one of the funniest things I've seen in weeks!

Jamsiek

Jamsiek wrote: »

How do you know what the "vast majority" of people like?
I lived alone once and hated it, having nobody to talk to and trying to find something to kill the boredom rather than watching TV

I'd love to be living fully alone, to be honest the only reason I'm still tolerating housesharing is my refusal to pay the cost of renting alone and the fact the houseshare I'm in I have the place to myself most of the time as my housemates are always out in the evenings or away.

Jamsiek wrote: »

I can't see this being the case at all, the opposite in fact.
I lived with friends in college and also at work and they were the best days of my life. Regular parties, friends calling over, great times.
We shopped together and took turns cooking, cleaning up, etc. It made things easier.

I'd hate the idea of the above, in fact id actively avoid it were it being suggested. I like to cook my own food and do my own shopping, I've even avoided having shared milk or tea bags over my years of housesharing. Everyone has their own press, their own shelf in the fridge and buys all their own things I've even got some of my own kitchen equipment that's for my use only. I've never lived with friends though, only strangers and lived at home during college so I've only lived with other people who work and have their own lives so little interest in anymore than small talk in passing with housemates.

Prisoner6409

A couple of things come to mind. Is this situation really bothering you and if so, why? Is the guy you are sharing with just a flatmate or is he a friend, if a friend should you not be happy for them or surely you can talk about why you have an issue with the situation. You do realise it could all finish tomorrow and maybe next week you might be the one who wants to have someone stay over. If you make a big thing about it then you can never then have a friend of yours stay over for a considerable period of time. If as you say the friend is only there from very late at night to early in the morning I can't see a problem, it's not like they are in the flat all day lounging around on the sofa and hogging the PS4 or whatever. Surely both of you have certain rights when it comes to your own rooms and if they are using the shower as long as they leave it the way they found it that's no big deal. Life all about give and take, you have got to ask yourself what exactly is bothering you about the situation and why.

Ursus Horribilis

The OP's paying rent to share a flat with two people, not three. When a third person comes into a flatshare it changes the dynamic. Especially a couple. It doesn't matter if they're holed up in the room. The OP is now no longer sharing with Mary but sharing with Mary and John the item. I'd be very surprised if they aren't disrupting the flatshare in some way. Unless their room is soundproofed, the OP is going to be hearing talking and rumpy pumpy through the walls. If they pay water charges, this guy's use of the shower and toilet will be costing money. Nobody has said the flatmate can't have her boyfriend stay over a few nights a week but 5 nights is taking the p*ss. There are some people here who are remarkably laid back about this and that's fair enough. But there are also plenty of people (including the boyfriend's (former?) flatmate) who don't appreciate having a stranger on their floor every night of the week. It gets even worse if it turns out the flatmate has sneakily moved loverboy into the flat and never bothered to tell the OP. It wouldn't be the first time this has happened.

LuckyLloyd

Don't understand the 'principle of the thing' type comments. Sounds like an arrangement that doesn't affect your bathroom and rarely, if ever, your communal space. If he was a fixture in shared parts of the house more than a couple of days a week then I could understand having a problem with it. It sounds like an overly intense relationship with no space on either end but that's their business ultimately.

My advice would be to hold your counsel until you have a reason to make an issue of it - i.e. they start hanging out daily in the communal areas or there is a spike in bills that can only be explained by the presence of a third person. Otherwise I'd leave it tbh.

Elliott S

LuckyLloyd wrote: »

Don't understand the 'principle of the thing' type comments. Sounds like an arrangement that doesn't affect your bathroom and rarely, if ever, your communal space.

That could change. Once they get to thinking it's acceptable for him to be there constantly, they might drift out the room more. Needs to be nipped in the bud before this happens or else there could be rows "He's been here for weeks, why do you have a problem now?".

Plus, if he has been there 35 days in a row, he's likely showering there sometimes rather than always at his own place. And he has probably done some washing there too ie. putting items in with her washing which might make it into two loads rather than one. So bills are likely being pushed up.

It's completely unacceptable, no two ways about it.

lawred2

SusanC10 wrote: »

I must confess that I am confused reading this thread and similar ones to it. Maybe I am old and granted it has been a long time since I rented in a houseshare scenario but I don't get the issue of having BFs / GFs etc staying over. Although that being said - 5 weeks of 7 nights a week is a bit strange.

When I started going out with a BF who was in Dublin and I was down the country and living at home with the folks to save money I would go up 3 out of every 4 weekends to Dublin and stay with him for the whole weekend. He lived with 3 others and 2 out of the 3 were a couple themselves. I was always made to feel very welcome.

When I moved to Dublin myself, my BF and I used to mostly split the week between our 2 places and possibly only spent 1/2 nights a week apart unless one of us was studying or had an important day the following day etc.

It was the same with my now-Husband. Once we became serious I think we rarely spent a night apart. Each of us was very welcome in each other's house-shares. As were the OHs of all other house-mates. There was no mentions of Bills, needing Kitchen / Common areas to ourselves etc.

I don't know. We all got on very well. We were friends (not necessarily before we were house-mates) and I would be in contact with all of my housemates from both of my house-shares in Dublin still - 15 years later and having left Dublin.

Not sure what your point is really...nobody has any issue in this thread with a few nights a week. 5 weeks straight is an entirely different proposition.

LuckyLloyd

Elliott S wrote: »

That could change...

Well, when it changes articulate a complaint. And if / when the bills increase articulate a complaint. Play the ball as it were.

LuckyLloyd

LuckyLloyd wrote: »

Well, when it changes articulate a complaint. And if / when the bills increase articulate a complaint. Play the ball as it were.

I don't see how you think it's acceptable for a stranger who doesn't pay rent or bills and who does not live in the house to be sleeping there for 5 weeks in a row. It's totally unacceptable, the op is paying rent to live with one other person not two and definitely not a couple. It doesn't matter that he is only in the bedroom it's still unacceptable for a guest to be sleeping in the house anymore than 2 or at most 3 nights a week.

Elliott S

LuckyLloyd wrote: »

Well, when it changes articulate a complaint. And if / when the bills increase articulate a complaint. Play the ball as it were.

Nope, much easier to nip it in the bud, especially as you'd be completely in the right. I'd have zero interest in being lenient in this scenario and I doubt I'd be in the minority here.

amtc

I absolutely love living on my own. Always have since I left home.

Years ago I went out with a guy who lived in a house share and might stay occasionally with him. But I always felt like a spare wheel...relatively same situation as en suite and we were out a lot. It just wasn't fair on the house dynamic as they had to live together during the week. It all came to a head when he surprised me with a key...and they went ballistic. And I could see their point! My ex had lived in houseshares before and could see no issue. My home is my castle...without tmi it prompted a fundamental review of expectations... Hence my ex. I bought my house. He some 10 years later still houseshares in a single room.

It really isn't on in my view. Anyway it all sounds too intense. On a practical level what happens when that wears off and they get into couply phase of cosy dinners at home. What happens when it's colder and you just want to stay in? What happens if this is symptomatic of the girl and when or if this new relationship ends an ever increasing series of boyfriends rotate. Have you contents insurance...

Tell me how

amtc wrote:

It really isn't on in my view. Anyway it all sounds too intense. On a practical level what happens when that wears off and they get into couply phase of cosy dinners at home. What happens when it's colder and you just want to stay in? What happens if this is symptomatic of the girl and when or if this new relationship ends an ever increasing series of boyfriends rotate. Have you contents insurance...

Let's not hypothesize too much.
Right here, right now it's an uncomfortable inconvenience. One that the OP is right to rather not be dealing with.

Have we had an update from the OP?

LuckyLloyd

Camron Wet Smugness wrote: »

I don't see how you think it's acceptable for a stranger who doesn't pay rent or bills and who does not live in the house to be sleeping there for 5 weeks in a row. It's totally unacceptable, the op is paying rent to live with one other person not two and definitely not a couple. It doesn't matter that he is only in the bedroom it's still unacceptable for a guest to be sleeping in the house anymore than 2 or at most 3 nights a week.

Because what housemates do with their private bathrooms or rooms is none of my business so long as it doesn't impinge on me and isn't criminal in nature.

runawaybishop

LuckyLloyd wrote: »

Because what housemates do with their private bathrooms or rooms is none of my business so long as it doesn't impinge on me and isn't criminal in nature.

It is impinging on the op. The boyfriend is using the facilities, is around at the weekend and may also be in violation of the lease.

JuliusCaesar

confusedguy1 wrote: »

I don't like confrontation.

This is the entire problem.

Why don't you discuss it with your flatmate? It doesn't need to be a confrontation. Are you expecting an argument? Flaming row?
What stops you just saying, you're a little concerned about this, this isn't what you signed up for? And maybe what are their plans, is this going to go on into the foreseeable future, or are they thinking of moving out and getting a flat on their own?

If people communicated more, a hell of a lot of problems and suppressed anger would be avoided.

Arcade_Tryer

JuliusCaesar wrote: »

This is the entire problem.

Why don't you discuss it with your flatmate? It doesn't need to be a confrontation. Are you expecting an argument? Flaming row?
What stops you just saying, you're a little concerned about this, this isn't what you signed up for? And maybe what are their plans, is this going to go on into the foreseeable future, or are they thinking of moving out and getting a flat on their own?

If people communicated more, a hell of a lot of problems and suppressed anger would be avoided.

Good advice. Great advice in fact.