No friends

sarahbillie

Hi,

So basically I'm 21 year old girl with no friends. It's not something that naturally happened, that I grew apart from people I was friends with in secondary school, I actually just never made any friends during my teen years. I honestly felt like I didn't fit in anywhere and there's a whole backstory but I came here only really to talk about my situation now.

Just wanted to know if anyone else is in a similar situation. Every person I meet in college is fairly 'normal' by that I mean at least has a few mates or at least a few friends they stay in touch with from school. I'm also a few years older than other people in my degree and that makes it more difficult I find. It's making me more self-conscious because it makes you feel like with you being older you should have done more and should be more settled in your life but I most defintely am not.

I know from various self-motivating articles online that the one thing you have to do to meet people is to do things even if you don't feel like doing it. I have really tried to apply this. I actually joined a really good society. I went around on the day for joining clubs and joined clubs all by myself even though loads of people were joining with their friends. Don't feel like I've made any friends from the society though I did enjoy it.

The main issue that's stopping me from being myself is not having the confidence to be open because I can't be open. I always have to lie and pretend I have friends when I don't at all. I can't imagine anyone I let in on this secret would take it well. It has to be off-putting for anyone to know someone hasn't kept any friends at this point in their life. I'm working on it with my psychologist (I've only just started therapy though I tried it and stopped it twice before). Long story short I failed first year of the new degree I started and now I have to repeat it. I've realised I can't ignore the issue anymore. I miss not having people to be weird around and have a laugh with or share stories with. I feel broken inside.

I really want to be happy and make a positive change or rather I have to because at this rate I may be in college until I'm thirty. I feel like I'm only going to keep failing in life until I can be happy with being on my own or else somehow make real genuine friends. Hoping anyone that understands will lend their opinion or even if you've been to therapy and have any tips to make my sessions useful. Any opinions at all are welcome, I came here to hear from others who understand because no one else does.

Thanks for listening.

December2012

Why do you lie? How often do people ask you if you have or had friends?

You really don't have to lie. That is a path that is very hard to get out of, and if found out will lose you friends. It is a pointless thing to lie about.

Keep going out and meeting people, say yes to invitations you feel comfortable accepting. Engage.

A good tip I got before is this - when meeting people you don't to chat to, if you're asking a question, make sure it is one that requires more than a yes or no answer. Yes/no answers stint conversation, which is important when making new relationships and acquaintances.

Eg "what did you think of that lecture?" prompts a better response than "did you like that lecture"?

Or out "what do you think of this song?" Vs "do you like this song?"

Offer your own points too, ask a few questions, listen and keep it light hearted and smiley.

Keep talking to your psychiatrist.

But no more lying

sarahbillie

December2012 wrote: »

Why do you lie? How often do people ask you if you have or had friends?

You really don't have to lie. That is a path that is very hard to get out of, and if found out will lose you friends. It is a pointless thing to lie about.

Keep going out and meeting people, say yes to invitations you feel comfortable accepting. Engage.

A good tip I got before is this - when meeting people you don't to chat to, if you're asking a question, make sure it is one that requires more than a yes or no answer. Yes/no answers stint conversation, which is important when making new relationships and acquaintances.

Eg "what did you think of that lecture?" prompts a better response than "did you like that lecture"?

Or out "what do you think of this song?" Vs "do you like this song?"

Offer your own points too, ask a few questions, listen and keep it light hearted and smiley.

Keep talking to your psychiatrist.

But no more lying

Yeah I know I shouldn't, my therapist says there's some reason I feel the need to lie. I'm going to find it hard not to though. I'm not going to come out and say I have no friends but I'm not going to make up things like I went to a club on Friday with my 'friends' or went for drinks with my 'friends' for my birthday because it really does make me feel like **** when I do it.

Ilikecheese92

I have been in a similar situation- believe me. I did a college degree and I hated but i finished it. I had no friends and it was my own choosing. I closed myself off from the world. Didn't go anywhere for nearly three years. Its extremely lonely. Then I decided change my life I'm now studying something else. I have a part-time job and friends. Now I had a big fight with my friends in college and were not really as close anymore. But this in turn gave me the confidence to do stuff on my own. The reality is the best relationship u can have is with yourself. Maybe now is not the right time to open up to people or go places on ur own. But there will be. That's what I did I opened up and stopped worrying and people open up back. I have many acquaintences/friends and one good friend. I found all you need is one good one. As regards college if u like it keep at it, failing makes u realise how hard u want it. And fair play for joining up to things on ur own. That takes guts. Wishing u all the best!

Yellow pack crisps

The real question is why you dont trust yourself to be friends with people.

Your lies are the most pointless lies. If you want to be seen and be heard then tell the truth its all we have to give ultimately. You have issues and guess what? Everyone does!

Create a group in College of something you are interested in and invite people to join and things like that. If a group are going out then ask if you could tag along. Start up conversations with people. Be yourself. The good you, the bad you, but the truthful you.

sarahbillie

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

The real question is why you dont trust yourself to be friends with people.

Your lies are the most pointless lies. If you want to be seen and be heard then tell the truth its all we have to give ultimately. You have issues and guess what? Everyone does!

Create a group in College of something you are interested in and invite people to join and things like that. If a group are going out then ask if you could tag along. Start up conversations with people. Be yourself. The good you, the bad you, but the truthful you.

Thanks for the advice. Going to be honest and say that's the type of advice I wouldn't take. The kind of 'go out there and make it happen' approach isn't something that has ever worked for me. I could never set up a club or something by myself and I know loads of people who feel the same way.
I don't think that just because I'm friendless that it means I have to be really outgoing all of a sudden because that's not my presonality. I prefer the idea of working on my self-confidence and taking smaller steps in socialising.
One thing I will try is what you said about being myself because I've realised I haven't always been doing it even though I thought I was. I thought that lying about having friends was the only way for me to make friends but I think I know now that I won't make any real friendships that way. I just have to get out of the habit of it.

sarahbillie

Ilikecheese92 wrote: »

I have been in a similar situation- believe me. I did a college degree and I hated but i finished it. I had no friends and it was my own choosing. I closed myself off from the world. Didn't go anywhere for nearly three years. Its extremely lonely. Then I decided change my life I'm now studying something else. I have a part-time job and friends. Now I had a big fight with my friends in college and were not really as close anymore. But this in turn gave me the confidence to do stuff on my own. The reality is the best relationship u can have is with yourself. Maybe now is not the right time to open up to people or go places on ur own. But there will be. That's what I did I opened up and stopped worrying and people open up back. I have many acquaintences/friends and one good friend. I found all you need is one good one. As regards college if u like it keep at it, failing makes u realise how hard u want it. And fair play for joining up to things on ur own. That takes guts. Wishing u all the best!

Thanks for the advice. I like hearing from people who have been through something similar. It's pretty much been three years since I've had any friends like you said yourself so I hope if I don't put too much pressure on myself that I can naturally make at least one friend. I'm similar to you in that I really only want one good friend, I like talking to the same person all the time if I'm honest.
I don't love my course though I don't hate it. It's an arts degree so I kind of feel like I'm pissing about sometimes. I want to finish it though but because I have to repeat a year and I'll be three years older than most people I'm thinking I might not go on erasmus anymore which is a bit sad. I don't want to be in college forever. Anyway thanks for sharing.

Idle Passerby

Just in response to your last post, being 3 years older than your classmates is nothing. I know in your late teens/early 20s it feels a big thing but in a few years time it won't. I think you should still take your Erasmus year if you want to do it. This, even moreso than being in college here will get you mixing with more people. I think it would be a shame not to experience living in another country when you have the opportunity.

sarahbillie

Idle Passerby wrote: »

Just in response to your last post, being 3 years older than your classmates is nothing. I know in your late teens/early 20s it feels a big thing but in a few years time it won't. I think you should still take your Erasmus year if you want to do it. This, even moreso than being in college here will get you mixing with more people. I think it would be a shame not to experience living in another country when you have the opportunity.

Thanks appreciate it. I've always been nervous to do an erasmus but I do think it would be a really good experience especially because I missed out on so many other things. If I didn't have to repeat the year I would definitely do it, anyway I still have time to decide.
There's other factors as well for wanting to finish my degree as soon as possible, like not telling my parents or anyone else other than my therapist I failed the year. They all think I'm going into second year and also think an arts degree is piss easy so they're going to think there's something wrong with me for having failed so many modules and for being in college for so long. But anyway it's done now and I can't change it. I'm just going to stick to seeing my therapist often right now. I actually like her so I'm not going to stop going like I did the last time.

Thanks for sharing and thanks for the positive encouragement.

dellas1979

Hi OP,

I can completely understand where you are coming from. I went to a primary school where there were 3 people in my class (yes 3!). And when I went to secondary school, I was overwhelmed (the other 2 went to different schools). Because a) I didnt fit in, and I was very shy.

I made one good friend during that period. During my college years, I didnt make any!

Now, I have to point out, a "friend" to me is not an acquaintance (most people have acquaintances, but not (good) friends). A friend to me is much more than that. And I couldnt or didnt know how to express this when I was younger. I wanted something with substance. I go for certain types of friends, loving, caring, and loyal (not who is cool and popular).

It is hard for me to make friends. But, I do put it out there. One of my very good friends, I was working in a place at the time. One day I saw her sitting on her own. And people said to me "shes weird". And I thought well Ill find out myself. So I sat down with her. And we just clicked (amazing when that happens). If I hadnt, I would know her now.

Another good friend of mine, we met on Erasmus. Another good friend of mine, we met in Thailand. You need to get to the bottom of why you feel you cant put yourself out there (you can) and be clear on what type of people you want to attract into your life.

December2012

Does anybody know you're repeating a year? The pressure of keeping that a secret must be exhausting.

Can you talk about it with your therapist?

sarahbillie

dellas1979 wrote: »

Hi OP,

You need to get to the bottom of why you feel you cant put yourself out there (you can) and be clear on what type of people you want to attract into your life.

I hope I eventually get to the place you're at now. I know why I can't put myself out there because when I tried before I didn't get the reaction I wanted, felt people didn't like me and also I was depressed enough and didn't want to feel any worse. Since leaving sec. school with no friends my confidence plumetted quite a bit, I'm working on it now but for a long time I haven't liked myself so it's going to be a slow process.

I do honestly hope I can be happy and that I finish my degree successfully but I always worry that things won't work out that way when even the slightest thing goes wrong.

I like what you said about being clear on what type of people I want to attract. When I talk to people in college, which to be fair I always try to even though my course is known for being the hardest course to make friends in because it's so big, I think I come off a bit lazy because it always sounds like I have no plans because I have no friends. Two girls I was friends with until the end of college I've stopped talking to because honestly I don't see my self being great friends with them and now I know I won't see them in any classes anymore because I'm repeating. They're too nice also. I never talk to the people I'd like to be friends with because they don't seem interested or already have friends. I hope if I build my confidence up more then I won't feel so disheartened when people I like don't bother to talk to me when I make an effort. In my situation I probably need to be the one to make the effort because I'm the one who has the problem. Being more confident is probably the best thing for me to work on right now. Hopefully I'll find making friends much easier the more I like myself.

Also hopefully a bit more positivity instead of dwelling on my failures will help me along the way to connecting with people. Thanks for your advice, it's so much more helpful than when people just say things like 'put yourself out there' and 'get involved'. Appreciate your help.

sarahbillie

December2012 wrote: »

Does anybody know you're repeating a year? The pressure of keeping that a secret must be exhausting.

Can you talk about it with your therapist?

Yeah I only had my first session a while ago but I mentioned it, I have my next session soon so I'll definitely bring it up again depending on what direction I want to take in the session.

I wouldn't really say it's exhausting to be honest. I've been through way worse times in my life and I'm kind of used to failing now. I did really bad in my LC and repeated it and then did a Law course and dropped out in first year because I hated it and now I'm here doing a more general arts course which is better, but I've neglected it and failed. I'm not happy I keep failing but I'm not surprised because sometimes I literally do no work at all.

I care about having a good job and being successful but I can't look after my studies if there's no meaning in my life and I don't get to enjoy the good parts of life. I used to be so much happier in primary school when I had friends who I saw all the time and liked hanging out with me. I felt healthier and I wasn't destructive at all. But now I feel like I'm just lost in life and I really don't know how to function normally because I really haven't for such a long time.

Very depressing little rant there sorry but that actually is how my life is now. For the moment I'm putting aside thinking about having to re-enrol for the same year. I have a feeling it's going to be quite explosive in my house when it comes to light, so my way to deal with it is to keep pushing it aside until I absolutely have to tell people.

I'm not as depressed as I used to be and honestly considering how I could barely get out of bed, I actually think I've come a long way. But I can't keep ignoring how unhappy I am because I'll just keep on failing and withdrawing in life. I know I need to make a change. Don't really know how to but I'm hoping my therapist will have some ideas for me.

dellas1979

sarahbillie wrote: »

I hope I eventually get to the place you're at now.

If its any consolation, I do not have it all figure out

I dont know why some people can make friends easier than others (maybe am more guarded), but I understand how hard and lonely it is.

I just couldnt cope with big groups of people-am more of a 1 on 1 person, and thats absolutely fine.

I thought of it like building it up. If am honest and true to who I am, I will attract the type of people I'd like in my life. Right now, I'd like to make some singleton friends my age (and it is proving hard). But I will keep trying.

sarahbillie

dellas1979 wrote: »

If am honest and true to who I am, I will attract the type of people I'd like in my life. Right now, I'd like to make some singleton friends my age (and it is proving hard). But I will keep trying.

Hopefully you're successful too. I suppose just letting go and being who you are is all you can do but for me I have to make a real effort as well. I'm not one of those people who loves spending a lot of time alone, I actually like spending time with others and especially really like when I know someone is loyal to me and enjoys my company.
I just have to accept that I don't have that and have to work on being a person who isn't afraid to be themselves. Good luck with finding what you're looking for. Stay positive.

Yellow pack crisps

sarahbillie wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. Going to be honest and say that's the type of advice I wouldn't take. The kind of 'go out there and make it happen' approach isn't something that has ever worked for me. I could never set up a club or something by myself and I know loads of people who feel the same way.
I don't think that just because I'm friendless that it means I have to be really outgoing all of a sudden because that's not my presonality. I prefer the idea of working on my self-confidence and taking smaller steps in socialising.
One thing I will try is what you said about being myself because I've realised I haven't always been doing it even though I thought I was. I thought that lying about having friends was the only way for me to make friends but I think I know now that I won't make any real friendships that way. I just have to get out of the habit of it.

I dont mean go gung ho and start pretending you are something you are not. actually what i mean is take something you have an interest in and that could be anything from writing to acting and with the aid of online tools seek a few other people with common interests and set up a network of people and believe me it takes a lot of time to get to a point where you meet a lot of people but say you met one person by doing so and that person introduced you to another person and so on and so forth well then you start having friends and being social. You can work on your own self esteem and your own identity and put yourself out there as you do it. if you just put yourself in isolation for a few more years working on your own issues then it just becomes more and more harder to break the cycle you have put yourself in.

Im introverted but i did something similar and now have a great group of friends from a wide variety of circles. Just my opinion anyway and hope you find a way. Remember in life and especially your 20's have fun and discover yourself and who you are.

Gannicus

sarahbillie wrote: »

The main issue that's stopping me from being myself is not having the confidence to be open because I can't be open. I always have to lie and pretend I have friends when I don't at all.

What kind of scenarios have you been put in to make you lie about having friends?

There is no reason for you to be lying. I can understand you finding it hard to let people in or open up to them but if people are making the effort to try befriend you stop pushing them away.

I can assume the kind of situations you are being put in and causing you to lie are situations where you are being invited to join someone or groups of people for an activity or event. if its something you are interested in then just go along and meet some new people, they may not be your friends in the long run but at least you'll meet some new people.

sarahbillie

Gannicus wrote: »

What kind of scenarios have you been put in to make you lie about having friends?

Basically where i spend a lot of time with people in the society I joined, they obviously would all be talking about what there plans are and everyone always mentions I'm going to do this with my friends or go on holidays with my friends and in order to fit in and not seem weird I tend to make things up. I'm not telling massive lies but I kind of just say oh I went to a club on the weekend with my friends or went for drinks, I just don't want to sound like I'm boring and I do nothing with my free time. I always feel embarrassed when people have so many plans cause I normally don't.
Some days I find I can actually get on well with people that I see all the time in college, actually I feel a lot more comfortable when we're drinking on a night out. But there comes a point where you really spend a lot of time with people and you start getting to know people much better, then when it goes past the small talk stage I start to kind of withdraw a lot because I don't want people to know that generally I don't have a busy social life and don't hang out with anyone at all. I always feel on edge and like a loser.