Sister's nutjob friend giving medical advice, please help!

veghead

Hi all, hopefully this will all make sense and apologies for the length, unbelievably this is the short version!

So I'll start with a quick backstory. My Sis(1) went through a bad patch three yrs ago when husband left, she got back on her feet and was doing well, then a yr ago she met a new "friend" who claimed to be a Doctor, seemed like a nice woman at first, my sis(1) lives a three hour drive away from family so we don't always see each other as much we should and we never met her "friend". Anyhow, she started spending more time with this "friend" and telling us about her, all crazy outlandish stories, which we all presumed were exaggerated but no harm.

Fast forward to eight months ago, our other sis(2) died very suddenly from a med condition she didn't know she had. At her funeral, this woman came and essentially ignored whole family including sis(2)husband, not even a hello. She did however, give evil looks at anyone who dared to laugh, including the widower and myself. there was as much laughter as there was crying that day because the type of person my sis(2) was, all the people in her life (some i had never met) gathered together and were telling amazing and funny stories about her that we hadn't heard before.

Four months later we got the Coronor's Report which confirmed the condition that took sis(2) and we were all told we had to get tested for it, which we all have done (thankfully, all clear) except my sist(1) and her kids have not been tested, we've all kept at her to get tested but her response is that "friend" said we all need to get a different test, "friend" is an expert and knows all about it, she knows the proper test we all need and our Doctors have given us the wrong test. So I come from a large fam, we were all sent for testing and not one of the many med profs said anything different so obviously I'm going to take their word over that of this "friend" (who once claimed that in the hours after she gave birth to her son via emergency c-section, that her father was admitted to the same hospital and as noone else was available to operate, she had to perform open heart surgery on him to save his life).

So now after all the lies and the control she seems to have over sis(1), she is now preventing sis(1) and her kids from getting this simple test which would literally save their lives. I want to know is there any way to find out if this "friend" is a Doctor and if so, can she be reported, is her giving (bad)med advice to someone who is not her patient grounds for a complaint?

Any help at all on how to deal with this friend would be much appreciated as I'm at my wits end here.

ohnonotgmail

start here.

https://www.medicalcouncil.ie/Public-Information/Check-the-Register/

the groutch

a bit of tough love is required, tell her to cop herself on, and stop being brainwashed by her "friend".

Ken.

Mod-Moved to personal issues. Please read the very strict charter before posting here.

veghead

ohnonotgmail - Thanks, have just checked that out, cant find her name on the register (surprisingly) but I have a feeling I'm spelling it wrong so will check it later when I can snoop on her fb (Im block by "friend" but other sis(3) isnt)

veghead

veghead wrote: »

my sis(1) lives a three hour drive away from family so we don't always see each other as much we should

Have you talked to your sister face to face about this. Maybe if you could spend a weekend with her you could get through to her.

Seth Brundle

veghead wrote: »

this "friend" (who once claimed that in the hours after she gave birth to her son via emergency c-section, that her father was admitted to the same hospital and as noone else was available to operate, she had to perform open heart surgery on him to save his life).

The other half had an emergency cesarean. Don't they give you a general anaesthetic for it in which case she'd have been half asleep doing the procedure.


Anyhow with medical skills as good as this, she would also be on LinkedIn.
Do you know where she claims to be currently working. They might even confirm it with you.

failinis

Good chance they are not even a doctor at all, if you do all the research and they are not on any register - and I assume there are laws about impersonating a medical professional so there will be somewhere to report this.
Good luck to you and your sister.

Tipperary Fairy

Unless she's claiming in a professional capacity to be a qualified doctor and is treating someone as a doctor then this is not a matter for the medical council. If you find out the correct spelling of her name, call the medical council and ask them to check - the website will only give currently registered doctors.

The bigger issue I think is that your sister isn't being very smart about this. Whatever about her, her child needs to be tested, and she needs to cop on. Is there a partner that you could maybe discuss it with?

veghead

the groutch - Has been done several times by numerous ppl, hasn't worked. She gets extremely defensive and so I've had to result to biting my tongue when the "friend" is mentioned as she has now distanced herself from those that have spoken about the "friend", Im playing a long game, hoping she realises the nutty herself

livedadream

this sounds silly but is she more than a 'friend' to your sister? i dont mean to imply anything but for her to be taking her advice without cause would mean id read more into the relationship than just friendship.

sorry if thats insulting just trying to figure it out. husband left, you sister was lonely, hope shes not being scammed or anything.

veghead

Sorry Ken, thought I had posted it there but obviously got distracted so thanks for the move

Jackie Brown - Others have, Im keeping quite cause she has alienated herself from some in the family already

kbannon - Well sure shes Superwoman, anesthetic probably wouldn't work on her, lol! Well for a time she claimed to be in Dublin and then Kerry Hospital but now apparently, she is dividing her time between here and Spain. Her Spanish fiance is very rich, 20 yrs younger than her, is a male model and looks after their baby while shes in Ireland (I've yet to see a photo of the three of them together)... My god, the more I write about this woman, the more I realise just how bad she is.

failinis - Personally, I really doubt she is a Doctor

Tipperary Fairy - Thats my problem and the thing is, all this info has been drip fed over the last yr so its all only coming to a head at this point. I don't think she is a Doctor which leaves no options for me to stop her giving dangerous med advice. My sis(1) is being a total idiot but I'm slightly cutting her a break cos she's still grieving too and lives much further away from us so that is bound to make it easier for her to fall for this nonsense.

I think, at this point, that its going on so long that I'm starting to question my own sanity like maybe this "friend" isnt as awful as I think but judging by the reactions here, I'm not wrong!

LegacyUser

What about the father of your sisters kids? Are they in the picture? Are they happy to have their kids not tested?

Has your sister actually given you any information on what test the friend has said she should be getting? Has she actually had this alternative test?

Augme

I'm not sure I'd be playing the long-game. Chances are your sister is currently or will be financially scammed.

veghead

livedadream - No offense taken, I have that suspicion too. My sis(1) told me on one occasion that this "friend" and her fiance are really into bdsm which led me to asking how she knew all this. She swore blind nothing was going on but like I said, I still have my suspicions. I'd have no issue if she was into women, I'd be happy for her to start a healthy relationship with someone of any gender, its just this woman is so bad for her and I can't think of anyway to loosen the grip.

veghead

Augme - Not overly concerned about that as my sis(1) hasn't got much, she literally just has enough to keep her going, she really does not have much disposable income but I have been keeping an eye on it (I have my niece, 20yrs, also playing the spy role) so there is nothing to gain financially.

Augme

veghead wrote: »

Augme - Not overly concerned about that as my sis(1) hasn't got much, she literally just has enough to keep her going, she really does not have much disposable income but I have been keeping an eye on it (I have my niece, 20yrs, also playing the spy role) so there is nothing to gain financially.

I wouldn't be too worried about disposable income but more so if she owns property.

ibarelycare

OP you said you had yet to see pictures of this woman and her fiance and child together. Does she post pictures of her fiance on FB? Or much about her life in general? Does she have many FB friends, people who comment on her pics, posts, etc? Or does it seem like it could be a fake account? If she posts pics of her fiance, you should do a reverse google image search on them to see if they're fake.

veghead

Augme wrote: »

I wouldn't be too worried about disposable income but more so if she owns property.

The only property she owns is the family home which is in former husband's name too and there's a court order in place that it cannot be sold until her youngest has reached age of majority which is 9yrs away

veghead

ibarelycare wrote: »

OP you said you had yet to see pictures of this woman and her fiance and child together. Does she post pictures of her fiance on FB? Or much about her life in general? Does she have many FB friends, people who comment on her pics, posts, etc? Or does it seem like it could be a fake account? If she posts pics of her fiance, you should do a reverse google image search on them to see if they're fake.

Her fb seems real enough, but no posting about personal stuff, just shares and the odd pic of her food and she does seem to have friends on it who are real ppl but I don't know how much they would interact with her outside of fb, I know the name of her fiance and have found that he is a real person with money and mildly famous in Spain due to a relative and there's no mention of him having a fiance or child on his fb, insta, Twitter or blog and have made this point to sis(1) but "friend" has convinced her that he keeps the private info off to protect his family and so that "friends" ex husband won't see it as they are going through divorce! Unfortunately my sis(1) has well and truly drank the coolaide

LegacyUser

Sorry for your loss OP, terrible to thing to lose a sibling so suddenly.

In relation to your sister, contact your ex-brother in law and impress upon him the need for his kids to get tested. They are his kids too and he has a right to know what medical condition his kids could have. your sister probably won't appreciate it but it's a serious issue and no point avoiding it.

Chances are your sister does, on some level, know that her friend is a fantasist but maybe her life is lonely and she just needs a distraction. Apart from the health thing, is their friendship really that damaging? Why not meet the friend half way and suggest your sister gets both tests done or some such? The only thing you can do in this situation is play the long game imo, once you have the medical tests done.

Can you suggest more family activities together, weekends away etc to really get a handle on your sister's mental and emotional state? These type of friendships seem to occur when a person is at a low point emotionally.

retro:electro

veghead wrote: »

Her fb seems real enough, but no posting about personal stuff, just shares and the odd pic of her food and she does seem to have friends on it who are real ppl but I don't know how much they would interact with her outside of fb, I know the name of her fiance and have found that he is a real person with money and mildly famous in Spain due to a relative and there's no mention of him having a fiance or child on his fb, insta, Twitter or blog and have made this point to sis(1) but "friend" has convinced her that he keeps the private info off to protect his family and so that "friends" ex husband won't see it as they are going through divorce! Unfortunately my sis(1) has well and truly drank the coolaide

Any info of her job on Facebook or any medical acquaintances?

Fakediamond

Could you not guilt trip her not getting the real test, just say wheres the harm in keeping the family happy by getting both tests done, if she still wants the alternative one. Hopefully neither one is too invasive.

Could her friend be one of those holistic types? Some of them can be quite persuasive and dogmatic in their beliefs, despite scientific evidence to the contrary.

On the bigger issue of her overall influence on your sister, just keep an eye and make sure your sis is not depressed or overwhelmed and leaning too much on the friend for support, especially if she is isolated and doesn't have many other friends.

rock22

veghead wrote: »

Hi all, hopefully this will all make sense and apologies for the length, unbelievably this is the short version!

So I'll start with a quick backstory. ........

Four months later we got the Coronor's Report which confirmed the condition that took sis(2) and we were all told we had to get tested for it, which we all have done (thankfully, all clear) except my sist(1) and her kids have not been tested, we've all kept at her to get tested but her response is that "friend" said we all need to get a different test, "friend" is an expert and knows all about it, she knows the proper test we all need and our Doctors have given us the wrong test. ........
Any help at all on how to deal with this friend would be much appreciated as I'm at my wits end here.

I think you need to take action to protect your neices/nephews.

From your post, this is a potentially fatal condition. The reason for advice on testing is presumably because early diagnosis can change the prognosis. You sister is not putting the welfare of her children first.
I think you should tell her that unless she is willing to act on the advice of the doctor/coroner, that you will report the matter to Tusla, the child care agency.
She has the right to not be tested herself but she has a duty to her children. As someone aware of all the circumstances, you too have a duty to report the matter to Tusla

Big Bag of Chips

Your sister is clearly very vulnerable and being taken advantage of. I wouldn't be too confident she wouldn't be financially scammed because she has very little. She could be persuaded to take out a loan? The friend could end up suddenly having to move in with her? Or buying various potions and tonics to treat her with? I don't know how you have been discussing this friend with her, but for now you need to be careful. And be gentle. Any attack on the friend will be taken as a personal attack by your sister, so you need to box clever. Otherwise your sister will just cut you all off in favour of the friend.

Have you all got a family GP who your sister used to see before she moved? It would be worth talking to them and asking them if they'd ring her. They might be better able to get through to her or better explain the test and what it tests for and how etc. The friend clearly isn't the full shilling. But I'm sorry to say, it sounds like your sister isn't either. But again, if she is an independent adult living independently, then you cannot force her to get any medical tests done that she decides against.

It would be worth contacting her ex husband though and asking him to bring the children to the doctor some day to get tested. He's their guardian and perfectly entitled to do so. If he decides against it there's little you can do.

Edit: you also need to consider the possibility that she just doesn't want to know. Her sister died from a genetic condition. Maybe, for her, not being sure whether or not she has it is preferable to finding out she definitely does? Contact the children's father and let him know the score. It is then up to him to decide what to do with the information. Also, once a child reaches a certain age, they are entitled to consent to medical tests and procedures themselves. Something in the back of my mind tells me 15 in certain circumstances. Ask your GP.

Story Bud?

veghead wrote: »

The only property she owns is the family home which is in former husband's name too and there's a court order in place that it cannot be sold until her youngest has reached age of majority which is 9yrs away

9 years away.....

I don't say this lightly, and I don't meant to frighten you, but it's only 9 years away if the children survive that long. This woman may think that by preventing the children being tested she could see gain financially.

YellowLead

Sorry if this has been answered already, but I'd there a significant cost associated with the real test, the one you and the rest of the family got? If not, I really don't see why your sister would not agree to take it alongside the other test, especially for her kids sake. Just make sure when talking to your sister about this you keep the conversation to the tests, and don't bash the "friend" too much. Otherwise that will drive her further away and further into "friend"'s grip. And if there is anything dodgy going on scam wise, your sister will likely keep it from you as she will know you will just hate on "friend" even more.

evolving_doors

Any way of doing a bit more digging on the 'friend '?
They might have track record. You don't want to raise suspicion though.

veghead

Thanks for all the responses. Ill try answer the questions below:

I haven't contacted the ex yet as I had hoped to convince her to get the tests without him needing to know. Anyway, she wont tell me the name of the right test, I suspect because "friend" hasn't told her, so I've given her a warning that if the kids don't have the test done within the next month, I'm involving the ex. She's not happy but I intend sticking to it.

I have tried everything I can think of to make her feel more included but its like she is avoiding us all, the only time we see her is when we go to her, despite her having two days each wk without the kids, she has not come up once in the last six months, she spends those days with the "friend".

She is depressed and she was on anti-depressants which really helped her, but came off them around the same time she met the "friend" which I thought ok at the time as the depression was mainly due to the marriage breakdown so I assumed she no longer needed them. Since then, I have suggested she go on them again or alternatively, see a Councillor to help, she shuts me down and says she is seeing a Councillor. However, she wont tell me this persons name or where she is seeing them, how often or when. I go out of my way not to be too pushy or judgy when I ask these qs cos I just want her to know that Im concerned about her. I've dealt with depression too and know how simple concern can seem sinister so I try to just support her.

Yes, it can be fatal but only if its not monitored properly. If it had been detected in sis(2), her death could have been prevented. So detection is crucial. As I said I've given her a month to test the kids, after that I'm involving her ex.

The waiting list is so long we were advised by Dr to go private at a cost of €400+ per person, sis(2) husband very kindly paid for us all to have it done out of the life insurance payment, he has even offered to cover the cost of the other test provided she and the kids gets the this test done first but she's having none of it.

The "friend" has very little info on her Facebook, apparently to protect her privacy and I cant seem to get a straight ans from sis(1) about where "friend" works or has worked, its always changing. I know the area where she lives and am very tempted to go there for a few days and ask around but if this got back to sis(1) would cause problems so I'm not sure what there is I can do.

For a time immediately after the funeral, I let sis(1) know what I thought of the "friend" and she even agreed with me about some of the behaviour and opened up a little to me but then went away with "friend" for a few days the next week which I cant get my head around. Since then, I have kept my mouth shut about the friend and occasionally ask hows "friend" but I never badmouth or belittle, sometimes I point out the odd inconsistency in her story but for the most part, I'm just trying to stay connected with sis(1)

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I'm going to say this and I mean it in the kindest way possible: whether or not you like it, your sister is an adult. She will make her own choices. Same as if she chose not to vaccinate her children, hard as it may be for you to watch, it is actually none of your business.

I sense you are quite vocal about a lot of stuff. And I sense, even though your heart is in the right place, that you rub people up the wrong way. It's interesting that the friend has blocked you on Facebook but not your other sister. I think issuing her with ultimatums isn't going to make her suddenly realise you're only looking out for her.

I think you need to back off. Completely. Your sister, or her friend, don't respect your opinion or advice. If your other sister is still sort of in favour, then maybe she could be the one to approach your sister, maybe from a softer angle. I'd guess you've been as subtle as a sledgehammer When I said "box clever" earlier, I didn't just mean in what YOU say. I meant that if necessary you stay out of it completely. Keep all talk to idle chitchat. No mention of the test. No mention of the kids, or the ex. And definitely no mention of the friend. If she starts talking about her say "hmmm" and "yeah" and change the subject to Mrs Murphy down the road was telling you Mrs O'Brien over the road etc....

Leave the discussions to someone else. Or else accept, as an adult, and as the mother of her children she has made a decision for whatever reason. You don't have to like it. You don't have to agree with it. But you will have to accept it.

Feel

OP, we have a genetic mutation in our family and sadly all who were tested have the predisposition. It was discovered, when doctors could not explain the medical condition of a family member. Even the children were tested because some medications are contraindicated when having that genetic mutation and they are regularly prescribed before coming of age. So I think I understand your concerns.

We also decided not to tell this two elderly family members because of their age and their mental health condition but informed their GP that there could be a risk. Sometimes these decisions are made in families although they are adults, who are able to decide but have shown that they were not able to cope well in similar circumstances.

Only you and the involved family members know the situation and I agree that there is to some extent a responsibility and a need to care about the health of all children in your family.