Estate Agent Speak

Nomis21

I spend some time looking online for a property to buy. I find that many aspects of some of the estate agents adverts for properties can be quite annoying.

For example...

They nearly all say 'Viewing is advised'. Why would this ever be useful advice for a property? I mean is there any properties where viewing is 'Not advised'?

Also, nearly every time a property is 'In need of renovation' there is only one (Usually poor quality) picture of the outside of the property and nothing else. I mean if a property is in need of renovation, wouldn't it be useful to see some pictures of the inside to see the condition?

Also, why bother advertising a property as POA (Price on application)? Why leave out the single most important fact that one needs to know to pursue an interest in a property? I mean the price is not secret if they will give it to you if you ring up and ask for it...

gmisk

Bijou = Small
Artisan = Small and old
Open plan = Has one room
Boasts = Has something
Vibrant = Noisy
In need of renovation = In need of knocking down
Opportunity/Blank canvas = Needs a tonne of work
Galley kitchen = Tiny kitchen the size of a cupboard

That about sums my experience up with estate agents!

Nomis21

How about: 'Easily Managed Accommodation' = Small

L1011

"could do with some redecoration" = "what you thought in need of renovation meant"

whiskeyman

'the vendor wants to wrap this one up' = quick!, put another crazy bid on now! I can't believe you all fall for this!'

'I'll call you back in a hour or so = 'Good luck if you hear from me again! mmwwhahaha!!'

allibastor

How about, I will meet you at the house at 15:15, then proceed to have others in the house and ignore you at the door, cancel your calls, then ring you back 25 mins later saying I was waiting in the house for you !!!

Yes, I actually JUST got this from a Laois based estate agency

gizmo555

In the 1960s one estate agent became a national figure – a TV regular 30 years before broadcasters would welcome just about anyone into their studios...

Roy Brooks...was an estate agent in Kings Road, London who made his name and, uncomfortably for a man with avowed Communistic leanings, his fortune from harnessing one endearing feature into the prose eschewed by other estate agents of the time – the unvarnished truth...

...Who could resist making an appointment to view a bargain described thus: “Wanted: Someone with taste, means and a stomach strong enough to buy this erstwhile house of ill-repute in Pimlico. It is untouched by the 20th century as far as conveniences for even the basic human decencies are concerned. Although it reeks of damp or worse, the plaster is coming off the walls and daylight peeps through a hole in the roof, it is still habitable judging by the bed of rags, fag ends and empty bottles in one corner. Plenty of scope for the socially aspiring to express their decorative taste and get their abode in The Glossy, and nothing to stop them putting Westminster on their notepaper. Comprises 10 rather unpleasant rooms with slimy back yard, 4,650 Freehold. Tarted up, these houses make 15,000.”

https://www.mortgagestrategy.co.uk/issues/11-september-2006/remembering-roy-brooks-the-honest-estate-agent/

McGrath5

"A fully fitted kitchen" means it has a kitchen.

hognef

"Most sought-after location" means it is located somewhere.

quadrifoglio verde

Estate agents job is to get the best price for the seller, not the buyer. So of course they're going to use the kind of language that makes a dice desirable etc.

If you think the words are bad, the photos are worse
Our old house ended up on the front cover of the Irish times property section back in the late 90s.
House across the road was for sale, but as ours had a nice front garden and side access either side (all the others only had access on one side) the bastardin estate agent used our house for the main picture.

Mammy was not impressed when her mother in law phoned wondering were her and my dad getting a divorce as the house was for sale :pac:

Took a solicitors letter to get the estate agent to change the photo of the house in his window :rolleyes:

radia

gizmo555 wrote: »

In the 1960s one estate agent became a national figure – a TV regular 30 years before broadcasters would welcome just about anyone into their studios...

Roy Brooks...was an estate agent in Kings Road, London who made his name and, uncomfortably for a man with avowed Communistic leanings, his fortune from harnessing one endearing feature into the prose eschewed by other estate agents of the time – the unvarnished truth...

The Irish equivalent - and currently in operation - is Green Valley Properties. They pride themselves on not over-gilding the lily. A few examples:

ATTYSLANEY, TUBBER, CO.CLARE
Derelict stonebuilt cottage on circa one acre.

Situated on a quiet rural road, this cottage has seen better days. The roof has several holes and the upstairs floor has collapsed in part of the house, which has been left empty for decades. The sale includes just over an acre of good quality land. Whilst rebuilding will be a major project, the cottage can be restored without planning permission, with an extension to the rear of up to 40 sq. m. Other extensions may need planning, as will a sewerage system. There is a grove of mature trees on the land. There is a neighbour to one side and working farms in the locality. The property is a few minutes’ drive from motorway connections.

Other features -
Mains water
Electricity available nearby, not currently connected

Viewing of this property is at your own risk. Please do take care if you choose to enter the building. Please do not allow children into the cottage.

MARTYROE, COROFIN, CO.CLARE
Derelict cottage with outbuilding on circa 3 acres

Classic renovation project comprising derelict cottage, outbuilding on circa 3 acres partly hilly land. House has been empty for decades, and is now a roofless house shaped pile of stones with a hawthorn tree growing inside, and full of brambles. Situated in a quiet, rural, somewhat out of the way location with river running near the house. Access from the public road by drivable track. Numerous mature trees on site. Small scale quarry on site. Major project for the adventurous. Could be wonderful.

How to get there: From Corofin take the Inagh road, turning right just over the bridge. After one mile take the right fork. Proceed about 3.5 miles. Note old Willbrook national school on your right then take next left. Proceed one mile, take next left. property on right after about 0.5 miles or so. No for sale sign. Boots required. Please note long distance photo on web site and look for the cottage across the from the roadside field.

SHRAGH, DOONBEG, CO.CLARE
Very Basic stonebuilt cottage and outbuilding on circa 13.2 acres

A very simple stonebuilt cottage with a good roof, situated in a very secluded location with no neighbours. The original stonebuilt cottage has three rooms, an extension was added later. It is hard to believe this was lived in up to just over a year ago. The cottage has no running water, no septic tank, no bathroom, no kitchen. One for the renovation enthusiast. It is offered for sale with a total of circs 13.2 acres, of which approx 7.5 acres are planted with a mix of trees, some 10 years old. I am informed that there is a premium payable of €1286 per year until 2028. There is also approx 5.7 acres of land unplanted. The property is situated on the edge of a large area of bogland only a few minutes away from the White Strand at Doonbeg, a popular beach with surfers, and Doonbeg Golf Course . Nearest neighbours are several hundred metres away.

Other Features
Electricity available (Disconnected)
PVC double glazed windows
Landline telephone available
Approx 7.5 acres trees, mainly spruce, but also ash and alder
5.7 acres boggy type land included
Premium of €1286 payable until 2028

No illusions about what you're getting!

tuisginideach

The best I saw was a house described by the EA as being near the 'infamous' UCD!


And the worst I see are the ads for houses in the same area which list ONLY the fee-paying schools in the locality - as if to suggest that people who buy houses wouldn't dream of sending their children to a non-fee-paying school ... such a load of rubbish and ill-informed snobbery.

mosi

From a Castle Estate Agents ad: "Phil and Kirsty would buy this gem".
http://www.myhome.ie/residential/brochure/40-elizabeth-street-drumcondra-dublin-9/2983362

L1011

mosi wrote: »

From a Castle Estate Agents ad: "Phil and Kirsty would buy this gem".
http://www.myhome.ie/residential/brochure/40-elizabeth-street-drumcondra-dublin-9/2983362

At least they didn't say Martin & Lucy would buy it, which is more normal for the dumps they sell.

L'Enfer du Nord

I often wonder if research has revealed that overblow prose works. There is usually a superb collection of extra additional adjectives readily accessible in Estate Agent prose. Even for new developments with extensive marketing campaigns the prose is over the top. I suppose they just know it's not actually going to put anyone off but may draw a few people in.