Lodgers

lm74

This topic always seems to generate a divided opinion but I'm wondering how people feel about lodgers other halves staying?
I'm an owner occupier who generally doesn't mind sharing, I always had great experiences when I was a lodger in someone else's home. I am a very quiet person though and like my privacy. I've had a few bad experiences renting out my spare room and think I've gotten a little over sensitive now...or maybe I'm just getting old!
Anyway I was lucky enough to get a very nice girl to rent my spare room and she moved in at the beginning of the week. When she came to view the room I told her I was ok with her bf staying overnight but not often. I always had bf's to stay when I rented and would think it unreasonable not to let someone have their bf to stay.
This evening she is cooking her boyfriend dinner and I presume he will stay. Here's the thing, I feel really awkward about having this stranger (I only know her 4 days) entertaining someone I have never met in my kitchen. I actually feel nervous about going home this evening. I should mention I am shy and would be nervous about new social situations also.
She is of course entitled to cook a meal and have friends in and bf over to stay. I'm really not saying that she can't. I just wonder do other people feel this awkward about new lodgers, their partners and entertaining when only new in the house.
I wonder am I just too sensitive and maybe not cut out for sharing? I need the money though so know I just have to suck it up and get on with it. Just wondering do other people feel similar?

Michael D Not Higgins

I think your own social anxiety is the issue here. As you said it's not unreasonable for her to cook her boyfriend dinner and have him stay over and you have agreed to it. I wouldn't consider this a problem unless it got to several times a week.

SarahMollie

I think in your head you know whats fair and thats why you've agreed to what you originally set out. However it does sound like you're possibly suffering from some sort of anxiety which is now at odds with your logical self, who made the original agreement.

I think its normal to sometimes not be thrilled about the prospect of having new ppl in your home, but to be so anxious that you don't want to go home, thats a bit beyond.

I can see where you are coming from to some degree. Maybe its just me but I would expect a new person renting a room like this to give it a few weeks to settle in before having someone over for dinner like that. I'd be slow to do any entertaining even in a normal houseshare for the first while never mind if I was living with the owner.

lm74

a settle in period would be something I would expect too. She is a lovely girl though so fingers crossed...

Sad Professor

Personally I would feel uncomfortable with a lodger who treats the sitting room, kitchen, etc like communal areas. They can and should use these areas, of course, but I think there's an unspoken understanding that they shouldn't making themselves too comfortable in them and should stick mostly to their own room.

There's a big difference between being a flatmate in shared accommodation and being a lodger in someone else's home. I think many people who have been the former a lot don't quite understand this.

Aye Bosun

I don't agree with a settle in period at all, she is paying rent from day 1 and should not have to wait a period of time before she can have her BF over. She is doing nothing outside the terms agreed with you on moving in. If you're not comfortable with the arrangement I suggest you ask her to move out, with reasonable notice as she has done nothing wrong in this situation and return her deposit it full.
I would then sit down and have a hard think if you are suitable to be a live in landlady. If you decide to rent the room again make a list of what is and is not acceptable for you in your home and chose your new licensee based on that.

Michael D Not Higgins

Sad Professor wrote: »

Personally I would feel uncomfortable with a lodger who treats the sitting room, kitchen, etc like communal areas. They can and should use these areas, of course, but I think there's an unspoken understanding that they shouldn't making themselves too comfortable in them and should stick mostly to their own room.

There's a big difference between being a flatmate in shared accommodation and being a lodger in someone else's home. I think many people who have been the former a lot don't quite understand this.

The owner is free to put down house rules for the lodger to comply with. Here, the OP agreed the lodger's boyfriend could stay over occasionally. There's nothing to suggest that the lodger is doing anything outside of their agreement.

lm74

Yes, Sad Professor, I do know lots of owner occupiers who would feel like you. I do prefer to have lodgers feel comfortable and wouldn't want them to feel they have to keep to their room.

Certainly not going to ask the girl to move out! Like you said Aye Bosun she hasn't done anything wrong, so that would just be silly.

Its such a hard area to find balance in.

lm74

She isn't doing anything outside the agreement. Would I have preferred her to wait till we get to know each other better, yes. Should I have said that when I interviewed her, yes. You live and learn.

Sad Professor

lm74 wrote: »

Yes, Sad Professor, I do know lots of owner occupiers who would feel like you. I do prefer to have lodgers feel comfortable and wouldn't want them to feel they have to keep to their room.

Certainly not going to ask the girl to move out! Like you said Aye Bosun she hasn't done anything wrong, so that would just be silly.

Its such a hard area to find balance in.

Well that's fair enough. I suppose my own experience (as a tenant who has sub-let rather that as an owner-occupier) would make me reluctant to rent out a room without having strict rules in place. Personally I wouldn't fancy coming home to find a lodger and their boyfriend (who I hadn't met) sitting in my kitchen. But if you want your lodger to be as comfortable as possible and said their bf could stay over, then I don't see any problem.

It's only been 4 days. Give it a month or so and if you are still having second thoughts have a chat with her, I guess.

Aye Bosun

Aye Bosun wrote: »

I don't agree with a settle in period at all, she is paying rent from day 1 and should not have to wait a period of time before she can have her BF over. She is doing nothing outside the terms agreed with you on moving in. If you're not comfortable with the arrangement I suggest you ask her to move out, with reasonable notice as she has done nothing wrong in this situation and return her deposit it full.
I would then sit down and have a hard think if you are suitable to be a live in landlady. If you decide to rent the room again make a list of what is and is not acceptable for you in your home and chose your new licensee based on that.

Suppose people are different but I'd feel very uncomfortable doing that after only being a few days in the house. I'd never do much in the house until I had gotten a feel for the dynamic of the place and gotten to know the others a bit. That would be in a houseshare too not even an owner occupier situation.

SB_Part2

Anytime I was in a house share I'd wait to settle in before bringing someone over. Especially if I was planning on cooking them dinner etc.

SusanC10

Ok look she has moved in and you have agreed that she can have occasional guests and her BF staying over also occasionally. You want to be reasonable and make her feel at home. So far she hasn't overstepped the bounds imo though personally I probably would have waited more then 4 days and got to know the Owner a bit better.

This may sound like a mad idea but I would pick up a bottle of wine / sparkly on the way home from work, go in to the Kitchen when you get home, open the bottle and say that it is a welcome to the house drink, have a drink and a short chat with them (thereby meeting the BF properly and being able to get an idea what he is like) and then excuse yourself before dinner and wish them a nice evening. If they are ok then you will know that and be able to relax a little about them in your house and if you don't like it then you will also know whether or not you will be able to tolerate this going forward.

Elliott S

Sad Professor wrote: »

Personally I would feel uncomfortable with a lodger who treats the sitting room, kitchen, etc like communal areas. They can and should use these areas, of course, but I think there's an unspoken understanding that they shouldn't making themselves too comfortable in them and should stick mostly to their own room.

There's a big difference between being a flatmate in shared accommodation and being a lodger in someone else's home. I think many people who have been the former a lot don't quite understand this.

I dunno. I always understood lodgers to be people paying cut price rent and keeping a low profile whereas, IMO, if you're paying market rent to live with an owner-occupier, I think you should be able to use the communal areas as much as you would in any houseshare.

Certainly when I lived with an owner-occupier, she wanted us to use all of the communal areas of the house as much as she did.

And if I was an owner-occupier, I'd feel the same. Otherwise, it would feel like treating someone second class whilst collecting money off them.

Sad Professor

Elliott S wrote: »

I dunno. I always understood lodgers to be people paying cut price rent and keeping a low profile whereas, IMO, if you're paying market rent to live with an owner-occupier, I think you should be able to use the communal areas as much as you would in any houseshare.

Certainly when I lived with an owner-occupier, she wanted us to use all of the communal areas of the house as much as she did.

And if I was an owner-occupier, I'd feel the same. Otherwise, it would feel like treating someone second class whilst collecting money off them.

Yeah good point that it depends on how much rent the lodger/licensee is paying. Which in turn depends on whether the person is there all the time or goes home at weekends, etc.

My own experience as a lodger was with a family with children and the rent was very low, so I wasn't hogging the television in the sitting room or taking naps on the sofa, for example. It wasn't that I was unwelcome in those areas, quite the contrary, I just didn't hang around in them nor did I feel the rent I was paying entitled me to.

Elliott S

Sad Professor wrote: »

Yeah good point that it depends on how much rent the lodger/licensee is paying. Which in turn depends on whether the person is there all the time or goes home at weekends, etc.

My own experience as a lodger was with a family with children and the rent was very low, so I wasn't hogging the television in the sitting room or taking naps on the sofa, for example. It wasn't that I was unwelcome in those areas, quite the contrary, I just didn't hang around in them nor did I feel the rent I was paying entitled me to.

Oh yeah, low rent lodgings are a means to an end and you just have to put the head down and learn to love your bedroom.

Kings Inns or bust

I have a lodger and have had a few for sometime. My rule has always been one night per week but you can 'bank' them. For example I had an excellent lodger whose girlfriend was in Italy so she'd stay the weekend/week but not particularly often. My current lodger's boyfriend is over more frequently but I wouldn't even know he was here.

As with any rule it's give and take and things get relaxed as you get to know someone. Personally I'd be getting a bit of a bad vibe about someone in for a short period of time and already having someone over for dinner but then you have to see it from their point of view, it's exciting to be in the new place and perhaps they want to test the waters in regard to whether they have found the right spot.

As for the communal areas, there are no hard and fast rules but personally I treat them all as shared equally apart from I decide what's on the TV as the lodger's room has TV and my bedroom does not. That said if I got the vibe a romantic evening was planned I'd make myself scarce.

A piece of advice I was given at the start was keep the money separate, don't let it creep into your regular expenses. As much as I don't mind sharing it's nice to have that holiday, upgrade to the car or work done on the house and remind yourself why you can't wander around your kitchen 'tackle out'.

Mrs OBumble

OP, I know some people who do feel like you do.

I'm not one of them - was happy to welcome reasonable guests from day one when a housemate moved into to the house I owned. (They paid market rate, so I thought of them as housemates not lodgers).

But I know some people who don't see things that way.

Trending

I have been the 'lodger' and the 'landlady' and in my opinion .....

I think your new tenant won't last !! Cheeky to be playing house with bf just 4 days in !!!

Would be in her interest to at least introduce you before landing him in your kitchen glass in hand !!!

Nah !
Make a conscious decision to have house rules and stick to them !!!
Happy to have the company of lodgers those with whom who have agreements to share your home with .. To bump into in the corridor etc etc but no not every Tom dick and Harry !
I rented many times as a lodger in someone else's home while in college and then had others stay with me in my first home ... But would never expect or later would never allow a complete stranger in my space !!! It's called respect !!! Not many know the meaning these days !!

Dial Hard

Trending wrote:

But would never expect or later would never allow a complete stranger in my space !!! It's called respect !!! Not many know the meaning these days !!

Any time! you rent a room out!! you're letting a complete stranger!!! into your space!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oppenheimer1

The utter BS in these kinds of threads is astounding. If owner occupiers are not willing to allow their paying licensees to have guests occasionally then they're not suited to having lodgers at all. There are too many owner occupiers who see lodgers as a cash cow and nothing more, treating them like dirt and imposing a host of rules on them - which unfortunately they can get away with these days. If you cant stand sharing whether you're an owner occupier or a tenant then you shouldn't - its unfair on those you end up having to live with.

A friend of mine suffered an example of this kind of behaviour -an arse of a live in landlord wanted to charge him €20 for the occasional nights he had his girlfriend stay over. Didn't mention this when he was moving in. Friend said he would agree if he could get a similar credit for every night he wasn't there, but of course the LL wasn't up for that. My friend moved out shortly afterwards and the room was vacant for three weeks - or several months worth of €20 guest stays.

oppenheimer1

oppenheimer1 wrote: »

The utter BS in these kinds of threads is astounding. If owner occupiers are not willing to allow their paying licensees to have guests occasionally then they're not suited to having lodgers at all.

It's their house and they can set any rules they want, if lodgers are happy to abide by them they will move in otherwise someone else will be found.

As for being a cash cow, well owner occupiers are not renting out room out of the goodness of their heart or through some sense of needing to help people to find a room to live in, they are doing it for the money simple as that.

Kings Inns or bust

It's up to the tenant to find the right LL. Lodging has always been, and always will be a minefield of quirks because as they say, 'there's nowt so queer as folk'.

El_Duderino 09

If this 'settling in' period is do important and everybody seems to know about it, they you should have explained that to the lodger at the same time that you explained the other important information. How long is long enough? A month? A fortnight? A few days? The rules that you have in your imagination are useless unless you share them with the lodger and you can't expect t yer to know about rules that you haven't told her.

I think you're realising that you didn't explain an important piece of information to her and now she's doing nothing wrong buy you're uncomfortable.

I don't know if you asked her about whether she tends to cook or be out and about at night. If she has use of the Kitchen and dining area then you can't expect her to microwave a ready meal when you're in the toilet and sink back to her bedroom to eat without you seeing her.

You asked for a lodger and it looks like you got... A lodger.

El_Duderino 09

Hazel Fierce Puffball wrote:

It's their house and they can set any rules they want, if lodgers are happy to abide by them they will move in otherwise someone else will be found.

Owner did set out the rules. They were vague and the lodger is in no way violating them.

From what I can gather the rules were that it's OK to use the kitchen and living room and, it's ok to have your partner over occasionally. Lodger us using the kitchen and gas her bf over. Lodger informed OP that bf was coming over which is good manners and makes introduction easier. Lodger has done nothing wrong.

I imagine the OP would set more explicit ground rules for the next lodger.