looking for a bit of advice...

seenitall

Aidenbyname wrote: »

Yes, I do realize that it's not the norm and not socially acceptable really, however it is something we are both in agreement on fully.

Uh oh, OP.

Whatever about socially acceptable or not, you have been a couple a wet week, never lived together, are rushing headlong into marriage AND there will be no divorce (you don't believe in divorce, right?) if things go pear shaped.

This is not a wise course of action, OP. It really isn't.

I'll tell you what, though : I have a couple of friends who got together for fun last September, became official at Christmas, moved in in March or so, and are getting married in a few weeks. I think it is madness, but far be it from me to tell them so. They didn't ask for my opinion,but you did.

I got married at 29 to a man who I got together with at 28, and was separated at 31. I know how quickly stuff can go downhill when you rush things.

I also know there is scant chance you will listen to people on here.

Every so often there is a thread on here where I think : well, this person will have to learn by making their own mistakes, and that's that. This seems to be one of them.

In view of that, all the best to both of you, wishing you both a long and happy marriage together.

Aidenbyname

seenitall wrote: »

Uh oh, OP.

Whatever about socially acceptable or not, you have been a couple a wet week, never lived together, are rushing headlong into marriage AND there will be no divorce (you don't believe in divorce, right?) if things go pear shaped.

This is not a wise course of action, OP. It really isn't.

I'll tell you what, though : I have a couple of friends who got together for fun last September, became official at Christmas, moved in in March or so, and are getting married in a few weeks. I think it is madness, but far be it from me to tell them so. They didn't ask for my opinion,but you did.

I got married at 29 to a man who I got together with at 28, and was separated at 31. I know how quickly stuff can go downhill when you rush things.

I also know there is scant chance you will listen to people on here.

Every so often there is a thread on here where I think : well, this person will have to learn by making their own mistakes, and that's that. This seems to be one of them.

In view of that, all the best to both of you, wishing you both a long and happy marriage together.

Thanks....everyone has genuinely given me a lot to think about. That's why I posted on a public form as no one knows me here and it is objective advice. Every conversation with family and friends has been so emotionally fuelled. I will genuinely take it on board. It can be hard to take on board and I guess what I was hoping for was that everyone would be yeah you know your own mind go for it!
I don't want to get into my faith because I find people aren't half as open minded as they think are and tend to think it's crazy.
Thanks all...

SusanC10

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

If you got together while away for Paddys Day you didn't save it for marriage so there is no reason for not living together before hand.

The night my Husband and I "got together" we did not sleep together. I always say we "got together" tgat night though and we would consider ourselves as having been together since that night.

Though we didn't wait for Marriage either !

njs030

Aidenbyname wrote: »

I don't want to get into my faith because I find people aren't half as open minded as they think are and tend to think it's crazy.
Thanks all...

We aren't fools. You're picking and choosing what part of religion applies to you, we all do it but unfortunately in your case it's going to lead to a situation where you and your future wife are going to end up in a mess. If sex before marriage is OK then it's hypocritical to suddenly be a good Catholic and use that as the reason not to live together.

In that case you should spend more time as a couple living apart to make sure it's right as I would guess divorce isn't an option.

Ursus Horribilis

Aidenbyname wrote: »

I don't want to get into my faith because I find people aren't half as open minded as they think are and tend to think it's crazy.
Thanks all...

If you don't want to live together, that's fair enough. I know some couples who didn't live together before they married so you're far from unique. I for one wouldn't judge you on that.

What I do judge you on is this rash decision of yours to get married while pumped to the eyeballs in love hormones. Often people make bad decisions when they're under pressure or feel they need to do something. Making a life-changing decision with someone you've not got to know properly as a life partner is taking things too far. No wonder your families are going up the walls. And it's not that people are being "negative", a word I see you used relating to this. It's people being pragmatic and realistic. Most of us have seen marriages of people around us go down the toilet.

Aidenbyname

notjustsweet wrote: »

We aren't fools. You're picking and choosing what part of religion applies to you, we all do it but unfortunately in your case it's going to lead to a situation where you and your future wife are going to end up in a mess. If sex before marriage is OK then it's hypocritical to suddenly be a good Catholic and use that as the reason not to live together.

In that case you should spend more time as a couple living apart to make sure it's right as I would guess divorce isn't an option.

I'm not a catholic and I'm not cherry picking.

Aidenbyname

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

If you don't want to live together, that's fair enough. I know some couples who didn't live together before they married so you're far from unique. I for one wouldn't judge you on that.

What I do judge you on is this rash decision of yours to get married while pumped to the eyeballs in love hormones. Often people make bad decisions when they're under pressure or feel they need to do something. Making a life-changing decision with someone you've not got to know properly as a life partner is taking things too far. No wonder your families are going up the walls. And it's not that people are being "negative", a word I see you used relating to this. It's people being pragmatic and realistic. Most of us have seen marriages of people around us go down the toilet.

Yes sorry negative likely the wrong word. I suppose we all like to think we are different and our relationship is different. I was in a 4 year relationship and knew to wait and not jump the gun. It's just this feels so right, that I can't believe it would end any other way than years of wedded bliss...but I'm not stupid enough to think that everyone thinks like that walking up the aisle.

njs030

Aidenbyname wrote: »

I'm not a catholic and I'm not cherry picking.

Sorry, I'm not sure what religion allows sex before marriage but doesn't allow living together.

Anyway it's not the point.

As already said by every single person yes you are rushing into it op. There's no need to rush if you're planning on spending your life with her!

Aidenbyname

notjustsweet wrote: »

Sorry, I'm not sure what religion allows sex before marriage but doesn't allow living together.

Anyway it's not the point.

As already said by every single person yes you are rushing into it op. There's no need to rush if you're planning on spending your life with her!

I never said I had sex, also an assumption.

Yes I see that opinion is widely held & has definitely made me think.

Big Bag of Chips

Aidenbyname wrote: »

It's just this feels so right, that I can't believe it would end any other way than years of wedded bliss...but I'm not stupid enough to think that everyone thinks like that walking up the aisle.

What do you mean?
Of course every person walking up the aisle believes it is going to end in wedded bliss! That's why they do it. Every person who gets married starts off from the exact same position you are in now. Every single person. Every person believes they are marrying the one, and it will last. Some might have niggling doubts, but think marriage will sort out any doubts. But nobody gets married thinking, sure we'll just separate if it doesn't work out. Nobody gets married with the intention of separating.

The fact that you are not going to live together before marriage means, to me, that you should spend a bit longer together as a couple before committing to marriage. Your first fight mightn't happen for a long time because you're not really going to be in a position to annoy each other!!

Most people think you are crazy..maybe you are crazy! But as seenitall, I think, said some people just have to be left go to make their own mistakes. And honestly, nobody can tell you with certainty that it will end up being a mistake.

meeeeh

Well unless you don't believe in divorce you will be grand. Possibly a bit broke but grand. I know people who were together for years, lived together and still got separated after a year. Anyway try to make up with your friends and family because you both might need some support.

Neyite

Well OP, I can't say that I don't have my misgivings, and you know, it must be disappointing to you both that instead of people being happy and sharing in your engagement joy, you have friends, family and internet strangers being all doom and gloom on your plans.

Plenty of well older couples did what you are planning but while a lot worked out, many more were trapped in miserable unions forever because of both the law at the time and the influence of their spiritual leaders. I'm the product of one such union which was a happy and loving one. So, I do think you have your work cut out for you - both of you.

This is an advice forum, so here's the best I have for you in your situation. Both of you research these kind of relationships. Maybe find a christian (or insert acceptable religion) relationship forum that is similar to this, and get an idea of the kinds of difficulties couples face. Keep talking and finding out each other's views on all aspects of marriage - how would you divide finances? The division of housework? What happens if one of you gets sick and cant work? Kids? If you had difficulties in that area, are your beliefs compatible with say, IVF? Contraception? What discipline methods would you use. These, and loads more stuff are things you tend to pick up about a person by living with them.

Finally, I recommend you talk about how you'd handle conflict resolution when it comes up. My personal rules are that there are no name-calling, or shouting. Being right is unimportant to us, and we work on trying to find a middle ground acceptable to both of us, try to see things from the other persons point of view and its stood us in good stead so far. We don't tend to sweat the small stuff so we don't argue often.

Best of luck OP, wishing you many happy years together.

AlteredStates

A relationship that started in secret & lies will never be easy to sort but who cares.. all that really matters is how you feel about each other. Love conquers all. Your happiness is your happiness. The dust will settle, drama will die down & only time will tell how things work out. But be in love, enjoy it & cherish the happy times. They should outway the bad. Congrats on the engagement & wishing you a happy ever after.

cookiexx

Sorry OP but you simply can't fully know a partner fully until you've lived with them - not as a friend, not as a flatmate, but as a partner.

I recently broke up with my ex after six months of living together, following six months of bliss when we first got together and I would have happily skipped down the aisle.

Living together threw up all kinds of incompatibilities - not least of all life goals and money management, of which we were on different pages and I decided I couldn't work with someone with such vastly different attitudes to me. Shared rent, bills, expenses, groceries, day-to-day plans and casual observations about finances that never happened before we moved in together were the cause of that, and had I married the guy a few months in not knowing any of this I'd be well and truly screwed now.

Don't let your previous friendship skew things in your mind. Friends are great, but the requirements are so vastly different in a relationship that it's a false security to believe it will work because you have a long friendship. Hanging out with someone regularly is not the same as trying to build a life with someone and the traits and behaviours that make or break a relationship aren't really a factor when you're friends with somebody.

Esel

Three words I heard years ago:

Aisle, altar, hymn.

Read them again. Sounds like a plan? Eh, no.

It can't be done = It doesn't happen.

SusieBlue

OP, I'll start by saying I can kind of see where your coming from. Im the same age as you & I'm with my boyfriend just 18 months.
I can't wait to marry him. We've discussed engagement, marriage, how many kids we want, where we want them to go to school, you name it. We're on the exact same page for everything.

However, I have no intention of getting married for at least another 3-4 years at minimum. Even though I really want to. I've never loved anyone so deeply & I know he feels the same. But I want to do things properly.

We both still live with our respective parents, so living expenses are currently very affordable.
So right now, we're able to tick off our bucket list & go on loads of fantastic holidays.
This year alone? Prague, Venice, Marbella, Edinburgh, and we'll be heading to Vegas when your getting married. This doesn't include little weekend breaks around Ireland. We've plenty of spare cash for nice dinners out, we have either a party or a wedding invite every couple of weeks & we can do these things comfortably. We're making beautiful memories.

We plan to move in together some time around Easter next year. We've already started a little mortgage account. The current balance is negligible but it's a start. We'll get engaged some time in 2018 & depending on how much we've saved for a mortgage, we'll get married in or around 2020.

When we get engaged, I don't want anyone to be shocked. I want people to be saying, 'we saw that coming, you two are made for each other!'.

I already feel like I know every little thing about him, but in contrast, I would have said the same this time last year. I can only imagine how we'll I'll know him after living together.

There is no right way of doing things. But having as many experiences as possible, getting as many trips ticked off the bucket list & letting your family & friends see how much you love and care for each other is a good start.

I get emotional thinking of how far we've come since we met. I can only imagine how emotional I'll feel when we're about to get married.
If you marry her in December, all you'll have to look back on since you've met is LTRs with other partners, huge hullabaloo when you announced the your relationship & a shotgun wedding that your family may or may not support.

Don't do it. Spend the next few years make memories that will keep you sane when you have no money for a takeaway cause the dishwasher broke & the baby's been crying for 6 hours.

forestgirl

Congratulations on your recent engagement.It is only in recent years some couples live together before marriage not something I did or believe in,we are married many many years with children and very happy.why listen to a bunch of random strangers advising you to do this do that myself included.You guys sound very level headed and mature to me,I wish you best of luck

Ursus Horribilis

forestgirl wrote: »

Congratulations on your recent engagement.It is only in recent years some couples live together before marriage not something I did or believe in,we are married many many years with children and very happy.why listen to a bunch of random strangers advising you to do this do that myself included.You guys sound very level headed and mature to me,I wish you best of luck

How long did you go out with your husband before you got married though? That's the real issue in this - people are concerned that the OP and his fiancée haven't spent enough time together as a couple. They don't actually know each other well in that sense, yet they're rushing up the aisle mere months after getting together. Their 5 months together has been cloaked in secrecy and heightened by the emotions that go along with that.

I know some couples who didn't live together before they married and they're still together. They were an item for a few years before they tied the knot so they had plenty of time to get to know each other. So in that sense, not wanting to live together doesn't have to be a recipe for disaster. It's also worth bearing in mind though that in decades past, people were trapped in awful marriages and never left because of the social and financial conditions around. There is no ideal recipe for a successful marriage. People who live together before they marry don't always stay together forever. Regardless of what people decide to do, they should be sure that they're doing the right thing and that they're marrying the right person. 5 months isn't what many of us considers to be enough time to decide this properly.

eviltwin

OP I agree with everyone here. Don't rush it. Take your time before you make any firm commitment. I also agree you should live together first - you can do this and remain chaste. It will shed a light on the reality of sharing your life that weekends away can't, it will either reaffirm your decision or show up potential pitfalls.

I would imagine if you are religious then marriage is for life and I think you owe it to yourselves not to rush it. Waiting a few years won't do either of you any harm. See it as an investment in your relationship.

amtc

I was mad about a guy I met on holidays...both Irish BTW...we spent every weekend together, went on holidays, got engaged and bought a house v quickly. Both late 20s. No money issues. No great relationship issues. But for some reason neither of us pushed the trigger on marriage.

I quickly realised I was more sociable than him. I earned more money. So what was usual to me to live at was unusual to him. We kept our finances separate. This led to resentment. We had a fundamentally different attitude to life which was masked by the fact that for three years it was holidays and weekends. I was quite used to grabbing a taxi or a meal out whereas he'd walk or get the reduced meals in Tesco. He freely admitted he was mean. Once when we were on holiday he saw a watch he liked and sulked until I bought it. At this stage we were together 5 years and I really liked a piece of jewellery only available in Europe. He was on his first business trip through this city and bought himself a high spec camera and took a picture of it for me. This was to be funny. And to be fair I had the label now of being 30 and engaged and let it go.

That was all fine until things changed. I had a very bad accident and couldn't walk for a number of months. I had to go home to my mam. He came to see me once, to drop off the coursework for his masters for me to do. He lived ten minutes away in a house I was still paying half the mortgage for.

My point in telling you this is that something as trivial as laughing over him being mean then translated itself into meanness of spirit. I spent much time thinking and realising we were not looking in the same direction at all.

I broke off things that August. I sold half the house to him and wished him a nice life. He never declared that I had done so and got done for stamp duty. He also married very quickly to a Russian girl in her teens who divorced him and got half the house. He now lives in a shared house in Offaly. I bought my own house and am now back in full health etc.

All I'm saying we spent ages trying to fool ourselves. It was a classic trying to make it work.

On the other side I work with the most brightest lovely talented girl who has independently set up 4 businesses, has three children with her husband that she met when both 18. He was an immigrant and they married within 2 weeks...happy 25 years later.

Sometimes I wonder if arranged marriages are the way forward?!

silverbolt

Aidenbyname wrote: »

So I'm engaged to a gorgeous girl who I've been in a 'secret' relationship for the last 5 months. Basically we've been best mates for years, both had long term relationship with other people that didn't work out, were never single at the same time so didn't ever go there. We went away for Paddys day with a crew last year and through a truck load of alcohol got together, realized there was something there and thought we'd give it a go. Because we we've been such great friends for years we wanted to keep things under wraps for a while to get used the idea ourselves and see how things went on without any big proclomations. It's been phenomenal and she is the most definitely the one for me. I proposed 2 weeks ago and we made the announcement last weekend that a) surprise we are together and b) can you keep nye free cos we're going to get hitched. I thought everyone would be real excited for us but they are in fact really pissed. We're both from a small town and everyone seems to think we've been really deceitful. My girl is distraught, my sister (who is a really close friend of hers) had a right go at her at how she had been lying all this time. I ended up taking the sister aside and trying to explain - yes we may have told a few lies, but only out of a good place, eg...giving vague answers about plans for a weekend but actually heading off for the weekend ourselves. I don't know it's like Armageddon between them all now. Our parents are also not happy as they think it's too soon and we're too young.
I'm not sure what to do...will it all settle down eventually? Do we just plough on with the wedding plans? We are so happy, but also sad at the reaction.

Ok OP. Im in somewhat the same boat as you. two and a half months ago i got with one of my best friends of the last four years. Like you we've both had relationships during and like you one night sans booze something happened and it went from there. Ok we didnt keep it quiet but we have spent pretty much the summer together.

And like you. Its great, fantastic, best start to a relationship ive ever had the sex, the talking, the time spent together, the cuddles, the sex. she gets me i get her. And i know that this is the start of something wonderful. So i can understand where youre coming from.

And I'm saying to you to slow the hell down. Seriously married in less than a year? Youre currently loved up and on a wave of positive emotion. Like negative emotion this clouds judgement. By all means stay engaged - thats easy its nothing more than a ring and fiance instead of bf/gf. Do not get married until you are well out of this intense emotional rush and the more everyday life settles in.

As for your friends and family. Naturally they are put out (hell a very close mutual friend of ours still has her nose out of joint by it all) to hear about you being an item. But i can understand not wanting to tell people, especially in gossip loving small towns. Whats really annoyed them is not the relationship but you landing a wedding on them.

Slow down. Theres no rush, you have all your lives to live yet.

BnB

forestgirl wrote: »

Congratulations on your recent engagement.It is only in recent years some couples live together before marriage not something I did or believe in,we are married many many years with children and very happy.why listen to a bunch of random strangers advising you to do this do that myself included.You guys sound very level headed and mature to me,I wish you best of luck

Agree 100%. Too many posters here focusing in on the fact that the OP and his girlfriend have chosen not to live together before they get married. That is their choice and it is a choice a lot of people make. There are hundreds of thousands of happily married couples out there who didn't live together before they got married. And likewise, plenty of broken marriages where couples lived together for a few years first.

I'm not saying either way is right or wrong, but telling that OP that he would be "touched" if they didn't live together first is wildly wrong.

As regards the age and the length of the relationship, it is difficult to know. We were the exact same age as yourselves when we got married (although we had being going out for 6 years) and in hindsight I do think we were only babies. That said, we are very very happy 14 years later.

I would just be afraid that if you cancel it now, will you be very disappointed yourselves ? It's a hard one to call - I can understand your parents being worried - that's what parents do. If you do end up cancelling it, would you consider throwing an Engagement party NYE instead...? It's a bit of a compromise, giving your friends and family a chance to get used to the idea while at the same time making a commitment to each other in front of them.

coco32

Marriage is for when you're in your 30s . Your 20s are for having fun! Your still babies