looking for a bit of advice...

GingerLily

Why should your brother move out of his house because your decided to have a shot gun wedding? This is a family fued waiting to happen. Are you getting married to force him out? I guarantee someone will view it that way.

Meauldsegosha

Aidenbyname wrote: »

Living together before marriage is something neither of us want.

We've been on holidays together, house shared, ...

Have you house shared together or separately. If together, I really can't see a reason not to live together before marriage.

You only announced your engagement at the weekend and your brother has agreed to move out of the house but has he had a chance to consider the full consequences of his decision.

SusanC10

My Husband and I were friends for 2 years before we became a couple. Part of a wider group of college friends. When we did become a couple I told my closest friend and so did he (neither of those people were part of that group) but apart from that none of our mutual friends knew. We waited about a month before we told anyone else. So that we were sure that we were going to give the relationship a proper go. Some had guessed, some were surprised. But no negative reactions. We were both 28 and had previous LTRs with 2 other people in the group (who we told separately just before everyone else). Husband told his Dad that he was going to marry me after 2 months (I only found this out much much later). We moved in together in a house-share after 4 months and then got engaged after 1 year together. My parents were a little surprised it happened so fast but they liked him and so gave their blessing. We bought a house together 6 months into the engagement and 6 months after that we were married. We are married 11 years.

It was fast definitely but it worked out (so far!) But I am very glad that we lived together on our own before the wedding. It was definitely an adjustment although we had already been living together in the house-share and we had a lot of our serious conversations about life goals etc in the lead up to the house purchase.

Consider living together beforehand.

batmanrobin

As they say, OP, live with me and you'll know me. You are crazy to not want to live together first. Why don't you want to?

Also, did you discuss with your brother that he'd move out or are you just assuming? Are you planning on buying him out? What if he doesn't want to move out? If he's half the legal and beneficial owner you'll have a hard time getting him out.

So you discussed wedding practicalities but have you discussed marriage practicalities? Like children, do you both want them? If so, how many? How close or far apart? How do you want to raise them? Who's going to stay at home?

There is a lot to making a marriage work. A hell of a lot. You'll hear of some people making it work when they knew each other for a wet weekend, but these are the exceptions not the rule.

You might have been friends before hand but a relationship is a whole different dynamic. Having a friendship is a good base, definitely, but the longer you are together the more you'll see it takes more than that. Once the honeymoon period wears off you could be looking at this thing from a different perspective.

Stay engaged, but why not wait until NYE of 2017? You could save yourself a potential nightmare!

Neyite

What you are feeling is pretty standard in the first flush of a relationship. That loved up wanna-get-married feeling. It's biological and perfectly normal.

I'd highly recommend living together first. Trust a much older person on this, you only get to really know someone when you do. And with the right person, this knowledge of them only makes you fall deeper in love with them.

This has not been a 'real' relationship though. It's been to all intents and purposes, an illicit affair and fuelled by the drama and the secrecy of it all. You need to live in this real relationship now for a while both of you and see if it can stand the test of everyday ordinariness once the intrigue and drama are stripped away.

Aidenbyname

GingerLily wrote: »

Why should your brother move out of his house because your decided to have a shot gun wedding? This is a family fued waiting to happen. Are you getting married to force him out? I guarantee someone will view it that way.

I can assure you I'm not kicking my brother out. He is more than happy about the arrangements, his circumstances have changed with work and he will be going abroad next March for a time and so it lines up well for him. There is no hidden agenda here.

Aidenbyname

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Have you house shared together or separately. If together, I really can't see a reason not to live together before marriage.

You only announced your engagement at the weekend and your brother has agreed to move out of the house but has he had a chance to consider the full consequences of his decision.

It was a house share separately situation. We don't want to live together as a couple before marriage. As I just replied to another poster, it lines up for my brother well as his circumstances with work are changing.

Ursus Horribilis

Why do you not want to live together? Religious purposes?

Aidenbyname

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Why do you not want to live together? Religious purposes?

Yes, I do realize that it's not the norm and not socially acceptable really, however it is something we are both in agreement on fully.

arayess

BetsyEllen wrote: »

I got married at 24 after a whirlwind romance.
I wouldn't have listened to anyone that said we were too young and to wait a while. I knew everything. I was convinced I was mature and level headed :rolleyes:

I'm now 29, separated and waiting to get divorced.

at least I'm not the only one..:pac:
I was you 12 years ago.....well probably your ex...

Big Bag of Chips

So is the rush to get married because you want to live together sooner? If you don't get married this year what happens when your brother moves out? If you do get married this year, what happens when your wife moves in?!

Meauldsegosha

Aidenbyname wrote: »

It was a house share separately situation. We don't want to live together as a couple before marriage. As I just replied to another poster, it lines up for my brother well as his circumstances with work are changing.

I understand he is moving abroad but has he considered the legal and financial situations. After your wife moves into the house it becomes the family home ans she attains certain rights after a specified period. Has your brother received advice on these type of issues?

Also until you live together as a couple you don't know each other "warts and all".

Ursus Horribilis

Aidenbyname wrote: »

Yes, I do realize that it's not the norm and not socially acceptable really, however it is something we are both in agreement on fully.

So I take it on your sneaky weekends away you slept in single beds and there was no hanky panky? :rolleyes:

Aidenbyname

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

So is the rush to get married because you want to live together sooner? If you don't get married this year what happens when your brother moves out? If you do get married this year, what happens when your wife moves in?!

I am sure there is an element of that, but on balance, no we just know we are meant to be and feel it's right. (I know everyone is thinking - shut up you naïve dope).

Ursus Horribilis

Aidenbyname wrote: »

I am sure there is an element of that, but on balance, no we just know we are meant to be and feel it's right. (I know everyone is thinking - shut up you naïve dope).

Yet your aversion to living together is driving this mad dash to the altar. It seems to be all or nothing with you. Something you might have a think about.

Aidenbyname

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

I understand he is moving abroad but has he considered the legal and financial situations. After your wife moves into the house it becomes the family home ans she attains certain rights after a specified period. Has your brother received advice on these type of issues?

Also until you live together as a couple you don't know each other "warts and all".

Yes we had a very robust conversation before we bought the house about lots of different scenarios. We will of course take legal advice about how best to structure it. I want what's best for us all, so definitely agree we have still a bit to iron out there.

Big Bag of Chips

You seem hell bent on it, OP, so good luck to you.

I hope it works out.

Aidenbyname

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Yet your aversion to living together is driving this mad dash to the altar. It seems to be all or nothing with you. Something you might have a think about.

It's not an aversion, it's a decision. I know that can be difficult for some to get their heads around. It's not all or nothing at all.

njs030

Aidenbyname wrote: »

Yes, I do realize that it's not the norm and not socially acceptable really, however it is something we are both in agreement on fully.

So you haven't had sex then? If living together is a problem sex must also be?

Meauldsegosha

Aidenbyname wrote: »

... and through a truck load of alcohol got together,

Aidenbyname (OP) wrote: »

we both believe in saving that for marriage.

If you got together while away for Paddys Day you didn't save it for marriage so there is no reason for not living together before hand.

seenitall

Aidenbyname wrote: »

Yes, I do realize that it's not the norm and not socially acceptable really, however it is something we are both in agreement on fully.

Uh oh, OP.

Whatever about socially acceptable or not, you have been a couple a wet week, never lived together, are rushing headlong into marriage AND there will be no divorce (you don't believe in divorce, right?) if things go pear shaped.

This is not a wise course of action, OP. It really isn't.

I'll tell you what, though : I have a couple of friends who got together for fun last September, became official at Christmas, moved in in March or so, and are getting married in a few weeks. I think it is madness, but far be it from me to tell them so. They didn't ask for my opinion,but you did.

I got married at 29 to a man who I got together with at 28, and was separated at 31. I know how quickly stuff can go downhill when you rush things.

I also know there is scant chance you will listen to people on here.

Every so often there is a thread on here where I think : well, this person will have to learn by making their own mistakes, and that's that. This seems to be one of them.

In view of that, all the best to both of you, wishing you both a long and happy marriage together.

Aidenbyname

seenitall wrote: »

Uh oh, OP.

Whatever about socially acceptable or not, you have been a couple a wet week, never lived together, are rushing headlong into marriage AND there will be no divorce (you don't believe in divorce, right?) if things go pear shaped.

This is not a wise course of action, OP. It really isn't.

I'll tell you what, though : I have a couple of friends who got together for fun last September, became official at Christmas, moved in in March or so, and are getting married in a few weeks. I think it is madness, but far be it from me to tell them so. They didn't ask for my opinion,but you did.

I got married at 29 to a man who I got together with at 28, and was separated at 31. I know how quickly stuff can go downhill when you rush things.

I also know there is scant chance you will listen to people on here.

Every so often there is a thread on here where I think : well, this person will have to learn by making their own mistakes, and that's that. This seems to be one of them.

In view of that, all the best to both of you, wishing you both a long and happy marriage together.

Thanks....everyone has genuinely given me a lot to think about. That's why I posted on a public form as no one knows me here and it is objective advice. Every conversation with family and friends has been so emotionally fuelled. I will genuinely take it on board. It can be hard to take on board and I guess what I was hoping for was that everyone would be yeah you know your own mind go for it!
I don't want to get into my faith because I find people aren't half as open minded as they think are and tend to think it's crazy.
Thanks all...

SusanC10

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

If you got together while away for Paddys Day you didn't save it for marriage so there is no reason for not living together before hand.

The night my Husband and I "got together" we did not sleep together. I always say we "got together" tgat night though and we would consider ourselves as having been together since that night.

Though we didn't wait for Marriage either !

njs030

Aidenbyname wrote: »

I don't want to get into my faith because I find people aren't half as open minded as they think are and tend to think it's crazy.
Thanks all...

We aren't fools. You're picking and choosing what part of religion applies to you, we all do it but unfortunately in your case it's going to lead to a situation where you and your future wife are going to end up in a mess. If sex before marriage is OK then it's hypocritical to suddenly be a good Catholic and use that as the reason not to live together.

In that case you should spend more time as a couple living apart to make sure it's right as I would guess divorce isn't an option.

Ursus Horribilis

Aidenbyname wrote: »

I don't want to get into my faith because I find people aren't half as open minded as they think are and tend to think it's crazy.
Thanks all...

If you don't want to live together, that's fair enough. I know some couples who didn't live together before they married so you're far from unique. I for one wouldn't judge you on that.

What I do judge you on is this rash decision of yours to get married while pumped to the eyeballs in love hormones. Often people make bad decisions when they're under pressure or feel they need to do something. Making a life-changing decision with someone you've not got to know properly as a life partner is taking things too far. No wonder your families are going up the walls. And it's not that people are being "negative", a word I see you used relating to this. It's people being pragmatic and realistic. Most of us have seen marriages of people around us go down the toilet.

Aidenbyname

notjustsweet wrote: »

We aren't fools. You're picking and choosing what part of religion applies to you, we all do it but unfortunately in your case it's going to lead to a situation where you and your future wife are going to end up in a mess. If sex before marriage is OK then it's hypocritical to suddenly be a good Catholic and use that as the reason not to live together.

In that case you should spend more time as a couple living apart to make sure it's right as I would guess divorce isn't an option.

I'm not a catholic and I'm not cherry picking.

Aidenbyname

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

If you don't want to live together, that's fair enough. I know some couples who didn't live together before they married so you're far from unique. I for one wouldn't judge you on that.

What I do judge you on is this rash decision of yours to get married while pumped to the eyeballs in love hormones. Often people make bad decisions when they're under pressure or feel they need to do something. Making a life-changing decision with someone you've not got to know properly as a life partner is taking things too far. No wonder your families are going up the walls. And it's not that people are being "negative", a word I see you used relating to this. It's people being pragmatic and realistic. Most of us have seen marriages of people around us go down the toilet.

Yes sorry negative likely the wrong word. I suppose we all like to think we are different and our relationship is different. I was in a 4 year relationship and knew to wait and not jump the gun. It's just this feels so right, that I can't believe it would end any other way than years of wedded bliss...but I'm not stupid enough to think that everyone thinks like that walking up the aisle.

njs030

Aidenbyname wrote: »

I'm not a catholic and I'm not cherry picking.

Sorry, I'm not sure what religion allows sex before marriage but doesn't allow living together.

Anyway it's not the point.

As already said by every single person yes you are rushing into it op. There's no need to rush if you're planning on spending your life with her!

Aidenbyname

notjustsweet wrote: »

Sorry, I'm not sure what religion allows sex before marriage but doesn't allow living together.

Anyway it's not the point.

As already said by every single person yes you are rushing into it op. There's no need to rush if you're planning on spending your life with her!

I never said I had sex, also an assumption.

Yes I see that opinion is widely held & has definitely made me think.

Big Bag of Chips

Aidenbyname wrote: »

It's just this feels so right, that I can't believe it would end any other way than years of wedded bliss...but I'm not stupid enough to think that everyone thinks like that walking up the aisle.

What do you mean?
Of course every person walking up the aisle believes it is going to end in wedded bliss! That's why they do it. Every person who gets married starts off from the exact same position you are in now. Every single person. Every person believes they are marrying the one, and it will last. Some might have niggling doubts, but think marriage will sort out any doubts. But nobody gets married thinking, sure we'll just separate if it doesn't work out. Nobody gets married with the intention of separating.

The fact that you are not going to live together before marriage means, to me, that you should spend a bit longer together as a couple before committing to marriage. Your first fight mightn't happen for a long time because you're not really going to be in a position to annoy each other!!

Most people think you are crazy..maybe you are crazy! But as seenitall, I think, said some people just have to be left go to make their own mistakes. And honestly, nobody can tell you with certainty that it will end up being a mistake.