Hard to handle life right now.

bear1

I debated with myself if I should create a thread on here or not but recent events meant I just needed to put the proverbial pen to paper.
I know it shouldn't be in AH but I figured this forum has the furthest reach so sorry Mods if I'm breaking the charter.
Recently life just seems to be going down and down, I've got a boss who has practically turned against me and anything I try to do.
Any idea I give isn't good enough and any mistakes I make are treated as a catastrophe.
This I can handle though (for now).

Next is the sheer amount of bills I keep needed to pay, it's like I'm working just to hand everything back and anything left over needs to be treated as if it were a priceless crystal and it hurts that I'm not able to treat my family as much as I could a mere few months ago and it kills me when I need to cut something from our monthly budget.

But today is the day that things came to a head and for the worse.
My wife is pregnant with our second child, our other child is just over 1.
She had her visit this morning for a new scan to see how things are progressing only to be told that the child has a serious genetic abnormality and the doctor could not see the legs.
On top of this the child also has a hernia, which in fairness the doctor said could be obstructing the view of the legs.
But of course my wife is distraught, I'm distraught and I don't know to pick ourselves up from this.

I keep getting negative thoughts in my head, will we lose the child? What if the child has no legs, how do we manage? How will we afford the medical care?
I've just lost hope that anything good can come out from all this and don't know where to turn.
My family is supportive but after the news I just can't seem to switch these feelings off, even for a minute.

No idea what I'm expecting out of this thread and if some are thinking of making any jokes then please remember that inside I'm beyond upset.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far

fussyonion

OP, as jokey as AH can be, I really don't think anyone would come here, read your post and make a joke of it.

I am so sorry you're going through all this, you must be at your wits' end.
I have, however, reported your post just to say I think it's suited to the Personal Issues forum. I think you'll get good replies there and I think the Mods would be along to move this anyway.

I wish you the very best and I sincerely hope everything works out for you.
Take care.

bear1

Thanks and yeah I know what you mean about the jokes, not really thinking properly right now.
If the mods would prefer this to be moved then I'm all for it, just figured AH would have the highest poster volume.
Thanks for your reply.

The first thing to remember, OP, is that you're not alone. Lots of families are living hand to mouth, and lots of other parents are feeling the way you do. It doesn't make it easier to cope with, but you're not the only one and the resentment you feel is pretty normal in my opinion.

Secondly, don't panic about the baby until you know exactly what you're doing. If the baby has a hernia that might be obstructing the view of the legs, ask for another scan or a second opinion, or whatever you need to do to determine what you're dealing with. Hernias are usually easily dealt with, I believe, so try not to worry too much about that.

Your wife is understandably distraught and so are you, and I can't imagine how you wouldn't be. If the stress is unbearable, talk to your own doctor about it. When this news has settled and you're calmer, that's the time to make decisions about the future if you need to.

Try hang onto the positives in your life. You have a lovely child, your wife loves you, your family is supportive and you're getting your bills paid. Take it easy on yourself and I wish nothing but the best for you and your family.

Just try to determine what you're dealing with, what your options are, and take it from there with your wife. Good luck.

Ken.

If at any time you want this moved or locked pm myself or one of the other mods.

ArnoldJRimmer

I'm very sorry to hear this, sometimes life can be so unfair. Not the best man to give advice, but I'll give it a go. Firstly, it sounds like you're trying to stay strong for your family, but its ok to let it all out and be upset.

Secondly, step back, take a deep breath and take a look at what you can control here. No point worrying about variables in your life, as hard as that can be. Organise a meeting with your boss and explain your frustrations and ask advice on how you can get back on track. He could tell you to do one, but no harm in trying. update your resume and be on the look out for something better

On the bills, all you can do is continue to try and budget for right now. Seek financial advice, even for free online. I'm sure your wife understands that you're doing your best

I'm so sorry about the news on the pregnancy. I don't know any numbers offhand, but I'm sure that there are people you can talk to and supports in place with the HSE, whether a social worker or some other expert

probably not very helpful here, but just wanted to say hang in there

Zillah

How far along is the pregnancy...?

Spanish Eyes

Ah dear god Bear. I am so sorry to hear of your troubles, even though I don't know you from Adam.

Work and bills need to take a back seat for the moment and concentrate on the wife and the baby to be born. You need to get back on to the hospital and get another scan done as soon as possible. I am also sure that the hospital will have support systems in place for parents who have received news such as yours. Counselling if you will.

When you gather your breath maybe ask about that. I am surprised they just let you out of the hospital with nothing more than what you have said.

Who minds the other baby? Maybe a night or two on your own with your wife might help, although having the other child around might help too. I dunno.

You will get support. Ask for it, and take it. First things first, get a second opinion would be my view.

Think positive and I hope things get better for you.

Just to mention, I know what this is like, well not me, but my brother and his wife were given devastating news 7 months along. The child had this that and the other and would not walk and talk and all the rest of it.

Child has some issues alright, but he is going to mainstream school, can use his double scooter board, watches tv and uses an iPad. He's great.

Just saying that things may not be as bad as they seem. But of course that is what you are thinking now.

Best wishes.

amdublin

I am sorry to hear all of this. Youve got it tough at the moment. There are lots of wise people on this forum who can help you I hope. For the moment I am sending positive vibes your way.

bear1

Thanks to all, it's very nice to read and is why I chose AH tbh. Very emotional to even read tbh. Sounding like a right puff now
The pregnancy is at the 12th week I believe and on Monday further tests are being done to try and determine what the worst case scenario is.
As of now it would seem the child has no legs but I'm praying this is simply the hernia blocking the view but I'm somewhat doubtful.
Again thank you all, you've no idea how much it helps.

PlamenDon

I really don't know what to say Bear1, I know how hard simply living can be, then a kick in the bollox on top of that doesn't help matters, your boss is the least of your worries now, try to tactfully tell them to fcuk off, sometimes it's easier to take the pill and numb the pain, maybe see the doctor and get something for short term stress relief.

Actually probably can't afford the doctor right now, just try something anything to de-stress and then things should be a little easier to process.


Best of luck, hope things start to look up for you soon.

Outlaw Pete

Someone famous once wisely said...

If you're going through hell, keep going.

Someone else also once wisely said...

If you see ten troubles coming down the road, you can be sure that before they can reach you, nine of them will have run into the ditch.

I never said anything wise myself and so I'll leave it that. Best of luck with everything though.

bear1

ken wrote: »

If at any time you want this moved or locked pm myself or one of the other mods.

If I start posting crying emoticons you can close it without even asking me

Lingua Franca

My heart goes out to you, that's a hell of a lot of complex problems to deal with at all once and I'm sure it seems like you are in over your head in life right now. I'm sure you can already predict most of the advice you'll be offered so I'll not bother with that, but I will say that I was overwhelmed in life a couple of times myself and I wish now I'd known then that 1. THIS TOO SHALL PASS - life changes for better and for worse, but it does change and things do go on so keep on trucking through it and see what happens and 2. you can get used to anything. Situations that once seemed terrifying can become mundane. I wish you the very best of luck. Keep your chin up.

bear1

Lingua Franca wrote: »

My heart goes out to you, that's a hell of a lot of complex problems to deal with at all once and I'm sure it seems like you are in over your head in life right now. I'm sure you can already predict most of the advice you'll be offered so I'll not bother with that, but I will say that I was overwhelmed in life a couple of times myself and I wish now I'd known then that 1. THIS TOO SHALL PASS - life changes for better and for worse, but it does change and things do go on so keep on trucking through it and see what happens and 2. you can get used to anything. Situations that once seemed terrifying can become mundane. I wish you the very best of luck. Keep your chin up.

If I read the same advice 1000 times it would still help me so don't worry about that.
You are right though, and so is everyone else. People have gone through this and sadly it won't stop with me.
Just wish instead of life kicking us all in the bollox we could occassionally give it a hiding in return.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

nkav86

Jaysus bear I'm really sorry that life has dealt you such a sh*t hand. I don't have a clue how to try to help, but I just wanted to say that I hope you see better days soon enough

Autonomous Cowherd

Any one of the issues you mention would be traumatic to handle, so I think you are doing really well. Even to be able to express yourself. Sometimes there are troubles that need another pair of eyes, an outsider's point of view, so to speak. This could be a therapist, a cognitive behavioural psychologist, a MABs advisor, a local priest or Buddhist monk (etc) that you trust, an older wiser member of extended family, a dear trusted friend. Your wife was able to get behind you re the bullying at work (and it sounds like bullying) and the endless bills ( a dreadfully depleting cycle which many are familiar with), but right now I bet she is completely in a spin about your unborn child. So, you guys need some strong shoulders to lean on. Let those who love you know you need help. Ask for help. People are overwhelmingly good. As are you.

Prioritise only those things that you know in your heart will possibly be important in 5 years time. Anything else is not worth your emotional energy.

volchitsa

I'm really sorry to hear you're having to handle all this (which feels kind of strange saying, seeing as we don't know each other, but it's true, so I guess that's the wonder of Internet isn't it?)

I think I probably don't have any thing new to add, but I wanted to agree with what Permanear said about not letting the separate issues all pile on top of each other in a single jumble so that you sort of don't know where to turn.

I'd also agree that money is a pain, but it's really not the main thing, especially if it's only a question of not having any over. If at the moment you're managing to keep a roof over your heads and enough food and heating, the rest can wait until things improve. I'm sure your wife knows that too. Money worries come and go, you can ride them out.

The other two problems are different, and I don't know what to say that hasn't been said already. Maybe for now just "Don't panic"?

For your work situation, there are so many other factors that might be involved that it's hard to know what to say, maybe it's not even you but something else that is bothering your boss? I'd suggest a meeting with him, unless you think he's doing it deliberately to get at you, I'm which case maybe someone higher up?, but I guess that depends on your work situation. Does anyone else seem to be having a similar problem or is it targeted at you?

For the pregnancy, again I think you have to wait to know more. A horrible situation, and in a way all the harder for you that you probably feel you have to keep it together for your wife. I really hope you get better news, but in any case can get through this. Really.

All the best, I really hope things improve for you soon.

Birneybau

It's always darkest before the light.

bear1

Permabear wrote: »

This post had been deleted.

Hi Permabear, thanks for the post I hadn't thought of the 3d scan. Must follow up on that.
As for work, I'm thinking right now that it can go and fcuk itself.
Once I know for sure that either I'm going to have a healthy child or a handicapped child then I'll tackle the work challenge cause tbh I just don't have the mental strength to fight that battle.
Your post in general is aces, thank you.

Alf Stewart.

I'm not much use with advice tbh, but I'm gonna give this a shot.

Firstly, work.

Arrange a face to face with the boss, explain your concerns, any problems he bay be having, or thinks he's having, thrash it out. It's good to talk, best case scenario, you get things resolved, fresh start and try again, worst case scenario, find something else. I know it sounds tough, and things are tough out there, no doubt about it, but something will come up. You just gotta find it. (What line of work are you in? Pm if necessary, I might know something)

Financially, not sure what kind of bills you have, but no one is ever in so much financial trouble that it can't be dealt with. Have you tried budgeting/restructuring things to try and make the salary/wage GO just a little further? Its surprising how far you can make that extra €100, €50, or even €20 when you were used to not having it.

As for treating the family, as already posted, treating them doesn't have to mean spending money on them, walks, movie nights, home cooked social meals etc, all last for a life time in the minds.

Lastly, about the unborn child.

I really don't know what to offer as advice on this one, other than to hold out, get the tests done and see how the wee one is, every child is precious at the end of the day.

No matter what the outcome, there'll be help and guidance along the way.

Really hope things get better mate. There's more sympathetic and friendly ears on here than you think. It's always good to talk.

No matter the problem, it's always reduced when it's shared.

dueaug

So sorry you are both going through this. Carepoint medical centre is in Galway and do 3d scans for €100. http://galwaybabyscans.com/prices/ Give us a shout if you need a hand. It will get better. I have 15 months between my two youngest and I know how bloody tiring it is for you both at the minute.

bear1

Alf Stewart. wrote: »

I'm not much use with advice tbh, but I'm gonna give this a shot.

Firstly, work.

Arrange a face to face with the boss, explain your concerns, any problems he bay be having, or thinks he's having, thrash it out. It's good to talk, best case scenario, you get things resolved, fresh start and try again, worst case scenario, find something else. I know it sounds tough, and things are tough out there, no doubt about it, but something will come up. You just gotta find it. (What line of work are you in? Pm if necessary, I might know something)

Financially, not sure what kind of bills you have, but no one is ever in so much financial trouble that it can't be dealt with. Have you tried budgeting/refinancing things to try and make the salary/wage GO just a little further? Its surprising how far you can make that extra €100, €50, or even €20 when you were just too not having it.

As for retreating the family, as already posted, treating them doesn't have to mean spending money on them, walks, movie nights, home cooked social meals etc, all last for a life time in the minds.

Lastly, about the unborn child.

I really don't know what to offer as advice on this one, other than to hold out, get the tests done and see how the wee one is, every child is precious at the end of the day.

No matter what the outcome, there'll be help and guidance along the way.

Really hope things get better mate. There's more sympathetic and friendly ears on here than you think. It's always good to talk.

No matter the problem, it's always reduced when it's shared.

Another nice post.
Re my profession, I'm manage a small team in investigative financing for a bank. Wouldn't be difficult to change or anything but I want stability at my age especially with 2 children.
So it leaves me in a predicament if I want to change but if the unborn does end up having the worst outcome then I'll need all the money I can get to help the child with medicals etc.
As said, the job part is on the backburner but when you combine everything together you just lose complete hope.

The baby issue should be THE serious matter, that may have caused other worries to seem overwhelming.

Work, money...nothing matters a fraction as much as the questions and concerns you have about the health of a child. I'd focus all the energy on that and getting answers to all questions. Surely they can perform some other scan and clarifying matters rather than leaving you with the news that it may be a serious condition or there may be a simple explanation and there may be nothing wrong at all.

bear1

Deleted User wrote: »

The baby issue should be THE serious matter, that may have caused other worries to seem overwhelming.

Work, money...nothing matters a fraction as much as the questions and concerns you have about the health of a child. I'd focus all the energy on that and getting answers to all questions. Surely they can perform some other scan and clarifying matters rather than leaving you with the news that it may be a serious condition or there may be a rational explanation.

Our next meeting is on Monday for blood tests and then we will be doing another scan soon.
As suggested above I'm thinking a 3D might be a good way forward.

lawred2

My heart goes out to you and your wife OP

Truly

LynnGrace

Aww bear, I don't know what to say. You will all be in my thoughts and prayers on Monday.

Lucyfur

This place do private scans. I would hope if you explained the situation to them, you might get to skip any waiting period http://www.babyscan.ie/galway

Also, fcuk your boss. Not literally. But right now, he's not a priority.

Sit and cuddle your wife and little one tonight. They're what's important.

Wishing you all the best.

livedadream

my heart goes out to you,
the stresses of life sometimes build and build, bills, a baby on the way, work stress.

i know for myself the bills over the summer for some reason seem to drain the savings, then the winter is a bit easier for some reason.
maybe its because the tax, car insurance, health insurance all the big stuff is paid during the summer.

speak to MABS in regards to the money, they might be able to see something you cant...
tell your boss the situation with your wife and the pregnancy it might give them a bit of perspective.
hoping for the best.

cbyrd

Hug your wife and hug your baby. Let them hug you.
We don't know what life is ever going to throw at us but sometimes when we get a glimpse we can go into blind panic wondering how the hell we will cope. Only to come out the other side battered weary but intact and hopefully still together.
I'm a great believer in the universe, might be dumb, but it's helping me through some amazing ****e atm.

If, God forbid, the worst case is your baby is healthy other than no legs, will this diminish your love for your child?
I don't think so, you sound already like you love him or her.
Don't borrow trouble, you can't see what will happen in the future, wait and see first if there is a major medical problem before you worry about bills. If there is, take pen and paper and ask every doctor every question you can.. find out what financial help you can get.
The absolute worst case is you lose the baby. No one and nothing can prepare you for this, but you will get through it. You will break, you'll grieve and eventually you will heal. But you will always have this child to love.
Tell your boss to take it easy. Maybe when they're in the loop a bit he might back off.
And for money LOL
Pay the bills and be glad you have the money to pay them. They'll always be there whether you are on the breadline or a millionaire.. it's just the size of them.
Your family don't need treats .. not as long as you have each other. I learned this the hard way. I used to take the kids out, cinema, bowling, holidays... Now I can't .. Saturday night will see me round the table playing cards or board games.. (it can sometimes end in tears)
My kids don't really care.. it was escapism.. not having to communicate, cos that's actually hard..
Please be kind to yourself
Take a step back and see what is most important, let the other stuff slide.
Let your wife know that you're devastated too and she's not alone. Whatever happens.
It won't always feel like this.
I will keep you in my prayers.
Best wishes to you and your wife.. it's heartbreaking.

Armchair Andy

Have you got anyone close to talk to outside of your wife? Not the answer to your problems but a good chat just to unload often helps.
I'm betting your wife has hernia, it'll be a small procedure done in a jiffy.

Best of luck and fair balls for coming here with it. Any humane person can see you're not having it easy.

RobertKK

bear1, I know from my experience with my sister and her last pregnancy how stressful these situations can be, and the worry you and your wife have. It is only natural.
My sister had her scan, they said something was wrong, had another scan and was told the heart of her unborn child was so messed up that it was likely when birth happened, the child would die within hours.
She then had to have a test for down syndrome,which showed the child didn't have that, but she didn't mind it he did or didn't once he lived.
It was such a rare heart condition that no other known cases of it exist in the country.
So she went through the pregnancy very stressed and worrying all the time, her doctor was very supportive and would tell her the unborn's heartbeat was strong and while it is strong there is hope.
So he was born via appointment, taken to Crumlin and now years later is living a normal life.

The thing is you will worry and it will get to you, all you can do is hope and pray it is just the hernia. Take every day one day at a time, it is easy for all of us to let our minds wander and think of the worse and have ourselves feeling down. I don't know how to avoid that.
All I can say is I am sorry for the situation you and your wife are in, but all you can do is hope for the best until you know for certain at what both of you are dealing with, maybe it won't be as bad as you were told.
Only time will tell, but it good you did post, as getting stuff off your chest is always a good start when it comes to coping and accepting whatever it is, lets hope that is something minor.

Specialun

Sometimes even typing out your problems can help. If and its an if your baby is born different im sure you love him as much as you love the first child. Regarding work, speak to your boss. If it doesnt work look elsewhere. The unfortunate reality is that were here for a short time, sometimes life throws your a curveball but be strong. Work to live, not live to work.

Roger Hassenforder

bear1 wrote: »

Recently life just seems to be going down and down...

You only have control over the work thing, so I'll start with that.
Bosses are bosses. You have to manage up as well as manage down.
If he/she has "turned against you", it might only be your perception, or they might have a reason. They might have their own problems, and taking it out on you. Forget any corporate bullying charters. Sit him/her down, and trash it out.
Say how you feel.
if the problem continues walk away. you sound qualified enough, you'll get something else. Your health is everything.

Everyone is f**king skint! We both work and we're skint! one bill after another... after the other. Its relentless!

the most important thing in all this is you and your family
While you have to be there for her, you also have to be there for yourself, and she will want to be there for you. Its not all on you "to pick ourselves up". Women are surprisingly resilient. And a lot tougher than they look.
Its not all stiff upper lip/man up. Its ok to be upset. it would be worse if you weren't.

Get your second scan/3d scan. It might be just the hernia, or it might be a serious abnormality. If the latter, you and your wife have a very difficult decision to make. I cant advise you on that. (We were told at our first scan they could see a shadow on the brain, we were distraught, but the rescan showed nothing. Now she's 8, perfect, and breaking her arse beside me laughing at Pat and Jen minecraft videos.

With a couple of young kids, here's some advice: Its not the expensive trips to Smyths for the next game, or expensive gadgets they want.
They want to throw stones in a pond with their dad; they want to run in muck, and not worry about getting killed for getting filthy. They want to see whose stick floats down the river the fastest. They want to see who can hand of a branch longest. All they want is time with you.

Get some exercise.
You'd be surprised how a walk/run/cycle will make you feel.
Bring the wife, she might enjoy it!

I hope things improve soon.

The flying mouse

My heart goes out to you and your family Bear, You have got some good advice above so hopefully some good comes from it,Goodluck and sometimes and I have seen it, Afterhours is the best place to post.

HS3

Really sorry to read your post OP. Hope you can sort out the boss situation. It's certainly serious enough to be taking it to some one higher up if possible.

I get you re the bills. You get paid and you honestly feel like holding out your wallet and saying, here. .take what you want folks and leave me some change! It's crap!

I'm really sorry to hear about the baby. The best of luck to yourself and your wife for Monday! xx

Motivator

I'm glad I clicked into this and read it. I'm going through some personal issues at the moment and reading what the OP is going through is putting it all into context. What's bothering me is nothing compared to what you're going through. It's very hard for me to comment on the concerns you have with your unborn child as I've never dealt with something like that and I don't mean to sound like a prick, but it's something I hope I never have to deal with - nobody should have that worry thrust upon them. However, I can off advice on the money issues.

I'm going through something similar, constant worry regarding my bills. Everything seems to be going back out as soon as it comes in. In the past, payday got me excited and I would often have something nice planned for my wife in advance but nothing over the top. A nice meal and a few drinks would often be the treat on payday. In the last few months it's gone to the stage where I'm afraid to buy a bag of chips I worry that much. Every bill just seems to come together and when you least expect it you get a kick in the balls with a big bill.

My advice to you is sit down, plan a month in advance, write every expenditure you can accurately calculate down on a piece of paper. Write down your monthly wage and start deducting. Then do it weekly; groceries, money spent on lunch, diesel etc.

What I found myself doing the last 6 weeks is walking a lot more, I changed my diet, i changed my supermarket and changed basically everyday things that used to involve me spending €5 or €10 here and there. At the moment I'm not seeing any real change in my lifestyle and I'm saving about €70 a week. That's almost €300 a month and almost €3700 a year, my wife is doing the exact same and we reckon a year or so living without little luxuries that we have enjoyed in the past, will allow us to get ourselves sorted financially.

I know you've a lot on your plate at the minute and sitting down to crunch numbers is probably not a priority but I promise it will help. You'll figure out where you make some small changes here and there and I guarantee you will feel a bit better. I'm not saving an awful lot with these changes but over time I will notice a difference in my finances.

Every little helps, best of luck with everything.

Satriale

I'm crap at advice Bear, but several years ago i nearly worried myself into the grave. I truly wish I could go back and tell myself to take it easy, it will work out for the best, but i cant, so I'm telling you. It will get better.
Good luck!

bear1

Motivator wrote: »

I'm glad I clicked into this and read it. I'm going through some personal issues at the moment and reading what the OP is going through is putting it all into context. What's bothering me is nothing compared to what you're going through. It's very hard for me to comment on the concerns you have with your unborn child as I've never dealt with something like that and I don't mean to sound like a prick, but it's something I hope I never have to deal with - nobody should have that worry thrust upon them. However, I can off advice on the money issues.

I'm going through something similar, constant worry regarding my bills. Everything seems to be going back out as soon as it comes in. In the past, payday got me excited and I would often have something nice planned for my wife in advance but nothing over the top. A nice meal and a few drinks would often be the treat on payday. In the last few months it's gone to the stage where I'm afraid to buy a bag of chips I worry that much. Every bill just seems to come together and when you least expect it you get a kick in the balls with a big bill.

My advice to you is sit down, plan a month in advance, write every expenditure you can accurately calculate down on a piece of paper. Write down your monthly wage and start deducting. Then do it weekly; groceries, money spent on lunch, diesel etc.

What I found myself doing the last 6 weeks is walking a lot more, I changed my diet, i changed my supermarket and changed basically everyday things that used to involve me spending €5 or €10 here and there. At the moment I'm not seeing any real change in my lifestyle and I'm saving about €70 a week. That's almost €300 a month and almost €3700 a year, my wife is doing the exact same and we reckon a year or so living without little luxuries that we have enjoyed in the past, will allow us to get ourselves sorted financially.

I know you've a lot on your plate at the minute and sitting down to crunch numbers is probably not a priority but I promise it will help. You'll figure out where you make some small changes here and there and I guarantee you will feel a bit better. I'm not saving an awful lot with these changes but over time I will notice a difference in my finances.

Every little helps, best of luck with everything.

Very true re finances.
Many of the posts here made me realise that money and work means **** all if your family is of ill health.
It just literally means nothing. Work can be changed, your financial situation can be changed.
But when you are faced with a situation whereby you are missing key limbs there is a currency out there that will rectify that problem.
Again I must thank you all for your help in this, it's helped me more than you know.

meforever

Bear......

Let's start at the beginning....and let's keep it general....and non religious

There are so many issues in life that cause us to " guess" on the side of probability. This is futile. We were all conceived on a mere speck of human DNA. Something happened ( hidden force, spirit, god, call it what you like ) This force could not be understood, seen or interpreted. It took control of everything for us and we were born into this wonderful world 10 months later. No expectations were sought or required. Our parents thanked God for the gift bestowed on them. We are all spiritual beings and connected to every other living being on this planet. It is therefore not a big leap for us to assume that nothing has limitations.

Back to you Bear....Please refuse to be negetive. Take care of your good wife. She carries the greatest burden at this time. She must see a calm, loving, tender husband. Stay positive and that will have cause and effect on her. Convince her by your confidence that everything is OK. Note I said "OK" not going to be OK. That in turn will immediately offload the negetivity of the situation. Build back up her first and then you. This will allow for the greatest outcome.....

PS....We know so little about our inner being......Trust the god within

Regards Zen
.

Motivator

bear1 wrote: »

Very true re finances.
Many of the posts here made me realise that money and work means **** all if your family is of ill health.
It just literally means nothing. Work can be changed, your financial situation can be changed.
But when you are faced with a situation whereby you are missing key limbs there is a currency out there that will rectify that problem.
Again I must thank you all for your help in this, it's helped me more than you know.

Money problems can be fixed, work situations can be fixed but at the end of the day your family are worth everything. Money isn't everything, it helps, but it only goes so far. In my case, thankfully money is the one thing worrying me at the moment but I've put some effort into making what I have go that bit further. I suggest you sit down and spend a few hours going over everything, BUT only after your worries with your loved ones subside.

Money comes and goes, the same with work but the only constant in life is your family and the love of your family. I love my wife and nothing would ever change that. Whether I had millions or I lived on the street the love I have for my wife would still be the same. I get the feeling you feel the same about your wife. So my advice is, deal with work when you get a chance, deal with the bills as they come and forget them once they are paid.

Right now, your main focus is your wife and your child. You're going through a difficult time but together you will get through it, as you said yourself nothing is confirmed yet so I'm sure it's nothing to worry about. Focus on your wife and like I said for now focus on the positive things in your life - your family.

Best of luck to you. Hope things work out.

Summer wind

Hi bear1 you sound like such a lovely kind man and a great husband and dad. I'm so sorry to hear of the tough time you and your wife are going through. I know it's easy for me to say but please try not to worry about your boss too much. Once you are turning up to work every day and doing the best job you can you will be fine. Maybe ask for a meeting with your boss and get some answers as to what he expects of you and you can get your side across too.

I've seen some people have suggested you and your wife have a 3D scan of your baby. I think this is a great idea and you should do this as soon as you can. When I was a few months pregnant with my first little boy I went to my gp's surgery for an examination and for the nurse to listen to the baby's heartbeat. While she was examining me she told me she couldn't find the baby's head. Then she said "I'm sure it's there but I just can't find it". I couldn't wait for my next scan I was so worried.

Just take a deep breath and take each day as it comes. Get all the information you can and all the help you can. Talk to your wife about everything and give her loads of hugs and get some yourself too. We are all wishing you and your family the very best and hope you get some good news soon.

mfceiling

Chin up bear.

Try to look for the positives first. You have a job..it might be a bit shìt atm but it's there. The baby...let's go with the hernia...if it's not then that's something to deal with in the future. Remember it'll be your baby and some people long for a family and never have one. You already have a wife and kids...again that's a good strong base to start from. I always think that no matter how bad it gets if you have herself and the kids onside then that's a force to be reckoned with.

Everything happens for a reason and there will be great days ahead.

beauf

I think trying to worry about everything is to much. Just take it day by day and get through that. And talk to everyone who will listen. You'll find many people around will have gone through similar situations. They just don't talk about it. But will open up if you talk to them. Try to create happy moments with your family and friends. Those moments will get you through the other times.

JupiterKid

Really sorry to hear about your difficulties Bear. The workplace bullying (and that sounds like what it is as I went through that some years ago) is one thing as are the bills but your child on the way puts everything else in perspective. This has to take priority above all else.

I have my own difficulties in life but they pale into insignificance compared to what you are facing. You have great advice on here and hopefully the support from family and friends so I wish you well. Life is not easy, it throws us curveballs and challenges but we usually can deal with these even though they might seem insurmountable at the time.

Try not to let your problems overwhelm you. I know it's easier said than done. I sincerely hope things work out for you.

ChikiChiki

Bear very sorry to hear of your situation. Obviously your very stressed and I don't blame you. My advice would be to take some time off work RIGHT NOW, providing you get paid of course. Don't even think of going in Monday morning. You don't need to be dealing with that crap at the moment. Go to the doctor and get a sick note for a month or two. You need it and don't feel one bit guilty. This is a challenging time in your life.

In this time off, consider your career, maybe redo your CV, if it helps try and push out some of your debts to give you some breathing space. Most importantly spend time with your family and get your head around this lifechanging situation. Also within this time look after yourself and I would suggest to go to some counselling just for the sake of talking to somebody and getting all your concerns out. A good counsellor listens, is a great source of comfort and will provide some advice back to get you through this.

Ive had quite a horrific year workwise, financially and personally losing an immediate family member through suicide. I was in a horrible place and took some of the above steps and I'm in a good headspace today. You'd be surprised how quickly things can change.

Good luck and you have our support.

Glass fused light

Thank you.

I know that looks weird, but congratulations and thank you for being so brave to share what you are going through.  In my opinion it takes a special kind of strength to be so open about what you are feeling right now, to reach out and post it up here in After Hours for everyone to read.  So thank you, Bear1, you did a brave and powerful thing.

I won't offer anything except about feel down and having negative thoughts, its so understandable that your emotions are all over the place and it's so ok to feel like that and to post as many crying emoticons as you need.
But Bear1, when you start to feel crappy, please, please, please take a a minute or two to remember that posting as you did, and letting us see your fears takes courage, bravery and strength, take the time to acknowledge those truths too.

PARlance

Make sure to talk to your wife. She's going through a hard time too but you don't need to be Mr. Brave Face. Obviously try to remain as positive as possible for her but don't forget that you're in it together. Don't be afraid to be open.

Junkyard Tom

I'm a big believer in doing stuff that releases dopamine to get those natural anti-anxiety/anti-depression chemicals flowing. If you like a kick-about join a 5-a-side team. If you like the outdoors walk the nearby hills. If you like driving fast pay for a track day.

All worries get pushed to the back of your mind when you're having a bit of craic and the natural chemicals that get released just dampen all those overwhelming thoughts down.

Best of luck bear1.

mansize

Hi,

I'm very sorry to read your news.

I know it might sound trite, but put the money issues to one side for the moment.

Talk with your wife and healthcare professionals about the pregnancy and hopefully have a clearer scan.

This will give you a better picture of what you face into, and the options available to your wife and you. The medical professionals will be best placed to give this advice and the future for you and how to deal with the scenarios that may arise.

Take care of yourself and this will allow you to be in a better frame of mind to care for your family.