Hard to handle life right now.

dreoilin

I'm sorry that you have to deal with these problems all at once, and of course, at all.

Most of us can handle a problem when it's isolated, but too many together at once is very overwhelming and we are only human afterall.

Keep going, buddy.

Coffeeandtea

Hi, so firstly I would just like to say how sorry I was to hear your problems. I just joined in to say that don't go down the route of looking for a pill to ease stress as someone else suggested. ..there a short term gain , long term pain....especially the anti anxiety drugs.....really there is no "cure" for stress...but as someone else suggested exercise really helps....even long walks ouside in nature.

As regards work, I would tell your boss about what your going through with pregnancy right now just so he might lay off a bit. And I agree it's a situation that needs to be tackled in some shape or form....but I wouldn't advise rocking the boat right now....I just think you have enough to cope with at the moment.

I think down the line if I were you I would start looking for a new job.

I imagine it's stressful worrying about your child....but really it sounds like it will be born to kind loving patents, so no matter what he/she is lucky to have you.

Hugs
Coffeantea

bear1

Hi All,

I've read the remaining posts and they helped brighten up the morning and give me some ideas to try and take our minds off of things.
Unfortunately the news I heard this morning was that the scan performed was indeed a 3d scan so it's further pushed my thoughts down the negative route but I'm still holding on..
I'm planning to take my wife to a restaurant tonight to try and get back to some sort of normality and I'm thinking about what one poster said about going on sick leave. My only (and it's minute at the moment) is that going on sick leave will reduce my take home even more and I'm not sure I can risk earning less at this time.
I also think that there won't be just one scan where they will say "I see the legs all grand", there will need to be quite a few before we'll be calm that they are indeed there.

Thanks everyone,

Kev

Sad to hear.. I can empathize having had some awful news on two fronts recently.

I keep thinking of the line, as corny as It is..
"The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday."

I'm already trying to look at the positives and take advantage of the times when things are ok.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I'm really sorry to read your OP Bear. I don't have any good advice to offer you, but in my experience nothing is bad or hopeless forever. Even when at the time you feel like your entire life has been torn out from underneath you, eventually things will start to get better. It might be a different life than the life you had planned, but different doesn't mean bad. You will be okay. You have your wife, and your two babies who need you to be strong, so hold on and I'm sure things will start to get better.

HensVassal

bear1 wrote: »

Hi All,

I've read the remaining posts and they helped brighten up the morning and give me some ideas to try and take our minds off of things.
Unfortunately the news I heard this morning was that the scan performed was indeed a 3d scan so it's further pushed my thoughts down the negative route but I'm still holding on..
I'm planning to take my wife to a restaurant tonight to try and get back to some sort of normality and I'm thinking about what one poster said about going on sick leave. My only (and it's minute at the moment) is that going on sick leave will reduce my take home even more and I'm not sure I can risk earning less at this time.
I also think that there won't be just one scan where they will say "I see the legs all grand", there will need to be quite a few before we'll be calm that they are indeed there.

Thanks everyone,

Kev

Put on your headphones, connect to YouTube, turn up the volume, close your eyes and play "You'll Never Walk Alone" by Gerry and The Pacemakers".

Poignant words and you will see a golden sky at the end of the storm.

Lucyfur

Good luck tomorrow bear

Specialun

Good luck with the tests tomorrow OP

Stheno

Best wishes for tomorrow try to get some rest tonight

This post gets me as I'm in a remarkably similar situation myself - albeit after a very rocky start to my wife's pregnancy we were told in the 21-week scan that everything looked healthy. The relief is unlike anything I've ever felt but I don't think anybody feels complete relief until after the birth. Add in the likely drama of a child as young as yours (my own is 21 months) and you're finding it very hard to have those precious moments of reflection and recuperation. That adds immensely to stress.

At any rate, we are breaking the bank this pregnancy to get those detailed scans, and for peace of mind they are worth it so I'd strongly agree with people here who've suggested it. And you're 100% correct that one scan won't settle your mind, but it will change the direction of your mind from incessant worry to "well, that scan was positive". And another scan will strengthen that hope. Above all else, try and not torture your life now with imagining worst case scenarios. That's a major league mindfúck. You've enough on your plate without adding self-torture.

Regarding financial worries, I agree wholeheartedly with the other posters; without being any way flippant at the end of the day they come and go and should never destroy a person's happiness (life is ridiculously short and I've learnt that the hard way!). Crucially, I found being upfront with lenders about my problems was a gift of enormous relief to me. I cannot emphasise that enough. I was stressing myself out about what would happen but when I talked to them and they could see I was genuine I had clarity and certainty and it allowed me to get on with life. It was the not knowing, the uncertainty, which was stressing me out more than anything. I'm that bit wiser about my character now so I tend to be very upfront and honest with people on what I can/cannot deliver. Again, that was a painful lesson I'm glad I learned. At any rate, instinctively I for one was far more overwhelmed by negative, fatalistic thoughts to feel threatened by my credit rating - and I articulated this clearly to the financial people. Overwhelmed is exactly the feeling that sums up this period.

Lastly, look after your mental health by arranging for time-outs for you and your partner. You need that "me" time as well as the couple time. It could be going for a long walk and noticing everything from the sound of the water in streams to the sounds of birds, or it could be going to the gym. For the couple time, I might be inclined to suggest a nice night out of calm church music or candlelight dinner whatever else, but to be brutally frank if myself and my wife could just lie on together one morning and the entire day that would be a dream. Oh to have the energy to go out! Moreover, give the two people in your life as many hugs as possible. It's a great cheap therapy for hugged and hugger alike. Love. I remember at my wedding ceremony the priest said something about various values (which I forget) and ended with "but the greatest of these is love". It is at these moments precisely that I've discovered what that is about. Those senses of positivity, goodness, honesty and vulnerability all combining to gift us the beauty of honest, loving awareness of our own mortality and that to love each other is the greatest - if not the only -gift we can ever give or receive in life. Try and keep that at the forefront throughout this. This too will pass.

All the best.

bear1

Thanks all and for your warm pms.
Today was a better day, no tears or dead end thoughts.
The wife is more positive and so am i. I actually think the hernia is blocking the legs or maybe the cord.
We are positive and for now thats all that matters. We were again a normal couple this weekend and tried to avoid talking about anything serious.
God knows what this week will bring but as the phrase goes "here goes nothing".

I'll be thinking of you, Bear.

The very best of luck tomorrow, I'll be thinking good thoughts for you.

zoe 3619

Very best of luck.will be thinking of you.x

zoe 3619

Very best of luck.will be thinking of you.x

Moo Moo Land

bear1 wrote: »

I've got a boss who has practically turned against me and anything I try to do. Any idea I give isn't good enough and any mistakes I make are treated as a catastrophe.

Record everything!

You might need it for a case of unfair dismissal.

bear1

Moo Moo Land wrote: »

Record everything!

You might need it for a case of unfair dismissal.

Wont bother for now. Once things settle down thend I'll ask for a meeting.

_Whimsical_

Oh God, feel so bad for you. I can only imagine where you're at in your head. Good luck for tomorrow, I'm sure a cloud of good thoughts, prayers, vibes, everything AH has to offer will follow you through the day.
I'll be thinking of you too xxx

Penny Tration

Bear, I'm sorry I can't offer any helpful advice. I've never been in your position so I can't understand or imagine what you and your wife are going through.

I just wanted you both to know I'm thinking of you both, and wishing you all the best with work and the pregnancy.

scdublin

Very sorry to hear and best of luck today!

bear1

I'll just quickly provide an update to this, even though there isn't really much to say.
Tests are ongoing and the scan was postponed to tomorrow so the scan will tell all tomorrow or by max thursday. Almost there..

Jrop

Bear1 I just want to send you and your wife a masssive hug. I hope all goes well

Pippa_Pipsy

Hope the outcome is good Bear

Just be kind to yourself and tell yourself you are doing your best in this situation. Be strong for your child and wife too, the most important thing is to talk which you are doing so well done, no shame in expressing your feelings. If everyone did there would be a lot more happier families out there.

X

Karmella

Best of luck with the tests, the not knowing and waiting is often worse than any outcome :-/

Just wanted to add a little something from the perspective of someone born without a limb .... 40 years ago I was born without my right arm from the elbow. No scans in those days so my poor parents got an awful shock when I popped out! To this day we have no idea why it happened but one of the theories is that the cord wrapped around my arm in the womb and it never developed. But who knows really.
At the time my mother was devastated but she got on with it. Regular trips over the years were made to the Rehabilitation hospital in Dun Laoghaire to be fitted for a prosthetic limb. I used to wear the ugliest most awful prosthetic - it was a metal hook! But it was very practical and there really was nothing I couldn't do.
And the developments made in prosthetics in the last 40 years is out of this world - just look at the paralympians!! The ugly hook is long gone, and I now have a motorised hand which opens & closes when I flex my muscles. (Pretty awesome really!)

Now, please understand I'm not trying to play it down or be glib, I know that being without legs will be a hell of a lot more difficult to overcome but I guess I'm trying to say it's not the end of the world either.
If anything being born the way I was made me a very determined person, I hated not being able to do something and would always try to find knacks to get something done. And my parents supported me every step of the way - never said 'oh no you can't do that'.

bear1

Karmella wrote: »

Best of luck with the tests, the not knowing and waiting is often worse than any outcome :-/

Just wanted to add a little something from the perspective of someone born without a limb .... 40 years ago I was born without my right arm from the elbow. No scans in those days so my poor parents got an awful shock when I popped out! To this day we have no idea why it happened but one of the theories is that the cord wrapped around my arm in the womb and it never developed. But who knows really.
At the time my mother was devastated but she got on with it. Regular trips over the years were made to the Rehabilitation hospital in Dun Laoghaire to be fitted for a prosthetic limb. I used to wear the ugliest most awful prosthetic - it was a metal hook! But it was very practical and there really was nothing I couldn't do.
And the developments made in prosthetics in the last 40 years is out of this world - just look at the paralympians!! The ugly hook is long gone, and I now have a motorised hand which opens & closes when I flex my muscles. (Pretty awesome really!)

Now, please understand I'm not trying to play it down or be glib, I know that being without legs will be a hell of a lot more difficult to overcome but I guess I'm trying to say it's not the end of the world either.
If anything being born the way I was made me a very determined person, I hated not being able to do something and would always try to find knacks to get something done. And my parents supported me every step of the way - never said 'oh no you can't do that'.

I admire your outcome, being born without a limb must be a serious burden (especially in those days) to live with.
I'm fascinated by the robotic arm... can you do serious damage with it? i.e. a la iron man?
On a serious note, yes you are right it will be harder (if that is the case) but at the same time it does not mean the child will not develop into a successful human being.
I hope and pray however I can watch the baby take it's first steps, help it learn how to swim etc. The typical daddy things you do.

bear1

bear1 wrote: »

I admire your outcome, being born without a limb must be a serious burden (especially in those days) to live with.
I'm fascinated by the robotic arm... can you do serious damage with it? i.e. a la iron man?
On a serious note, yes you are right it will be harder (if that is the case) but at the same time it does not mean the child will not develop into a successful human being.
I hope and pray however I can watch the baby take it's first steps, help it learn how to swim etc. The typical daddy things you do.

Good luck again bear.

Whatever you and your wife go through this week, there's a whole load of strangers on the internet, thinking good thoughts for you and hoping for the best with you.

Karmella

bear1 wrote: »

I admire your outcome, being born without a limb must be a serious burden (especially in those days) to live with.
I'm fascinated by the robotic arm... can you do serious damage with it? i.e. a la iron man?
On a serious note, yes you are right it will be harder (if that is the case) but at the same time it does not mean the child will not develop into a successful human being.
I hope and pray however I can watch the baby take it's first steps, help it learn how to swim etc. The typical daddy things you do.

Ha ha yes I could do some serious damage alright if I wanted to And growing up with a hook meant that nobody ever messed with me either!!

I totally get what you are saying about the daddy stuff - and I would say that you will be able to see a lot of 'firsts' with your child no matter what - they may end up being a little different to most people but they will still be special events and milestones for you & your child. As long as you are there to be their daddy and you encourage and help them that is all that matters.

bear1

Very true
Further update, scan is scheduled for tomorrow morning. So tomorrow will be the day I hold my breath.

HiGlo

Thank you for sharing your mindspace with us bear1. I’m sure it was hard to sit down and write all that but hopefully you felt a little bit better after you did.

I’m not even sure it’s advice you’re looking for. Moreso offloading I guess.

My only thoughts on your situation would be to maybe try a macro view of it all…. Sometimes we focus too much on the micro and stress the small things, but by trying a macro view it can help prioritise the bigger issues that need to be dealt with. Obviously in this case it is your unborn child, but try to zoom out and see where it positions everything else then…

Again, zoom out on the list of bills that need to be paid. Don’t just think of them all together as a clump of bills – look top down… What absolutely without doubt 100% has to be paid and then zoom in and prioritise. You might find bills or services that you realistically could do without or reduce significantly. Like, maybe you don’t have time to watch much tv and could cut or reduce that provider – even temporarily. Watch stuff on the internet…

I’m always thinking I’d love to have like a personal admin person…. Someone I could get to look at my service providers (phones/tv/insurance etc) and see where I could cut back and set me up on a new package or something. Hahaha… Like, to shop around for cheaper/better deals for me…. Maybe you could ask a family member or friend to do this. Is this a ridiculous idea?? Just someone who might have time or be happy to help you out in this way. They could research options and just come back to you and show “if you switch from this package to this one with this other company you can save X amount” and then the time consuming part of the work is done and you can just sign up for the new deal. You don’t even have to think about it. Let’s you focus on the bigger, important things. Anyway, my own random thinking…. haha

I hope all goes well for you all with the scans and I think you’re right to be thinking positively.
Fingers crossed for you.

Musketeer4

You are in a very horrible situation and all i can say is good luck.

Regarding the money and bills, maybe you can make some savings there.

I don't know what your job entails but if you work in finance I am assuming, perhaps erroneously, that you earn a very decent salary? Do you have lots of luxuries that you could scale back on, eg big car etc?

Some suggestions:
- cut the sky or any other luxury subscriptions
- if you drive a fancy car downsize to something more economical but still practical.
- don't be going to restaurants and hotels, maybe make a nice home cooked dinner for your family instead and a day out
- don't be buying work lunches and bring a home made packed lunch to work instead.
- dispense with any unused or unnecessary memberships or subscriptions, gyms etc etc.
- cancel your broadband account and either one or both of you get an all you can eat data deal on your mobiles and just hot-spot off that.

Pedro K

bear1 wrote: »

Very true
Further update, scan is scheduled for tomorrow morning. So tomorrow will be the day I hold my breath.

Good luck, dude.

Koptain Liverpool

Good luck mate

volchitsa

Best of luck to you both tomorrow.

me_right_one

Hey Bear.

Your precious baby's health is the number 1 priority at the moment. As long as she pulls through, having a disability will be small cheese comparatively speaking. And fcuk the boss, there will be other jobs. Fcuk the mortgage too, you can worry about it in a few months when your baby is flinging weetabix at you!

Best of luck tomorrow.

Wild Garlic

Best of luck tomorrow dude.

cbyrd

Best of luck for tomorrow.. I hope and pray you've been worrying over nothing

SEPT 23 1989

We were told our child had Edwards syndrome because of the measurements on the scans

Just put a healthy five year old to bed just now

Best of luck tomorrow

meforever

Be happy.......all is well.........

Fear causes worry.....

Worry cause stress....

Stress causes the mind to prepare for what worry and fear have suggested.

The mind will decide the prevailing outcome.

Fill your mind with positive outcomes only.

Author unknown

The very best of luck to you and your wife tomorrow Bear, and little Bear. After Hours will be thinking of you x

Mam of 4

I just want to wish you and your wife the best wishes for tomorrow.

No matter whether your fears become reality or not, you will both deal with whatever lies ahead .None of us know how strong we are until we are put to the test.

Hope you both can manage to get some sleep tonight , again,best wishes

mansize

Best wishes, and whatever tomorrow brings, I wish you every success with it

Manitoban

Best wishes for tomorrow, I will be thinking of you.

Penny Tration

Good luck today, bear. I'll be thinking of you, your wife and your baby.

JanaMay

Thinking of you today. I've been in a similar situation and it can be lonely and scary. Sending positive thoughts to Baby Bear.

bear1

The results have come in.
I wish I could say I'm typing this with a smile on my face but alas it was not meant to be.
We've been told that the child does indeed have legs but it's organs are growing outside it's skin which is very bad.
The baby has been given a very low chance of survival which has just devasted our worlds.
I've left work cause I simply broke down and couldn't string a sentence together, picked up smoking again which I thought would calm me down but nothing.
I'm sorry to my wife for this and wish I could give her the news she wants to hear but I'm just.. speechless I guess.
Surgery is being planned for next week to see what can be done but I am suspecting that it will be confirmed the child will not survive.
Simply lost.

Stheno

I'm very sorry to hear that bear.

Don't be beating yourself up, maybe go home and spend the day with your wife if you can?

muddypaws

I'm so sorry OP, I'm trying to think of the right words to use, but nothing seems to be right. Take care of yourselves.

Lollipops23

bear1 I am so very sorry to hear that. It's the worst news any parent could get. Be kind to yourself and your OH right now. Do you have family that can help you cope right now?

Jrop

I'm so sorry to hear that Bear.

bear1

Stheno wrote: »

I'm very sorry to hear that bear.

Don't be beating yourself up, maybe go home and spend the day with your wife if you can?

I've taken time off, no idea when I'll go back to work and same has been agreed with my boss.

Lollipops23 wrote: »

bear1 I am so very sorry to hear that. It's the worst news any parent could get. Be kind to yourself and your OH right now. Do you have family that can help you cope right now?

We do have family yes but I don't know whether want to have people around us or not. Can't even explain it properly.

Musketeer4

I'm sorry to hear of the bad news.

I don't know what to say only advise you both to take some time of off work and be there for eachother and decide what the next move is going to be.