Wife v stepdaughter

Dravokivich

silverharp wrote: »

I know the kid isn't to blame but the worst case scenario here is his wife divorces him, he ends up in a bedsit with the daughter and then social services here take the daughter off him. I just see that the father here doesn't have all the power here to bend the situation his way. Its a pity the OP isn't the wife.

Well the OP seems to be of the opinion they can afford their own place, with capacity for his daughter and their daughters. Also, if he was to become divorced from his wife, it's very unlikely she'd receive the daughter as she has no desire to be involved with her at all. I also wouldn't expect there to be an issue with his daughter being able to reside with him.

Why do you think someone would take her from him?

Musketeer4

To be honest OP I think regardless of the outcome here, your marriage with your wife is over. She married you knowing you were already a parent and she shoudl therefore have accepted that this was a possibility in the future.
She clearly doesn't have your back in this and I believe you can no longer trust or depend on her.
While ye may remain "married" the relationship insofar as it is a partnership of mutual support, is irreversibly broken.

From what I can see the trenches have been dug here.
Possible scenarios are:
a) you threaten to move out with your daughter, she doesn't back down, you move. marriage over
b) you threaten to throw her out unless she agrees, she won't back down, she's out. marriage over
c) you threaten either of the above, she submits, rolls over in defeat and agrees through gritted teeth. marriage over.

The only thing you can reassure her is that she will have no financial or caring obligations with regard to your 1st daughter and that you will be her carer.

kunst nugget

Speedwell wrote: »

I raised hell with my mother later for throwing Adi away, and she said, "you don't understand, sweetie, it's much easier to manage with him gone". I never saw him again

Can I ask what happened to Adi?

sillysmiles

silverharp wrote: »

I know the kid isn't to blame but the worst case scenario here is his wife divorces him, he ends up in a bedsit with the daughter and then social services here take the daughter off him. I just see that the father here doesn't have all the power here to bend the situation his way. Its a pity the OP isn't the wife.

Social services are not going to take his daughter away from him for living in a bedsit.

He has to have a proper conversation with his wife, and lets her know that this daughter is equally as important and equally as much part of his family and his two kids he has with her.

I honestly don't know how much respect I'd have for a partner that was expecting me to abandon one of my children.

Speedwell

kunst nugget wrote: »

Can I ask what happened to Adi?

I would honestly tell you but I don't know for sure. I do know that shortly before she died my mother told me, "I'm so sorry for the way I failed you kids", though it was unclear whether she meant me and my two brothers, Adi and his four siblings, or the fact that I had told her a few days before that I was a "freethinker", hoping to soften the blow of telling her I had become an atheist.. she wasn't fooled. The partner was murdered by his best friend in a drunken brawl, and Adi's sibs were taken by their natural mother's family, but I know Adi was still in the institution at the time; he'd been self-harming. I might or might not have not brought up the subject because I was so ashamed I couldn't do anything about it legally. I'm kind of surprised I mentioned it now, to be honest; I really just want to cry at my desk. But I promised myself I'd speak up for throwaway kids because of Adi.

kunst nugget

Speedwell wrote: »

I would honestly tell you but I don't know for sure. I do know that shortly before she died my mother told me, "I'm so sorry for the way I failed you kids", though it was unclear whether she meant me and my two brothers, Adi and his four siblings, or the fact that I had told her a few days before that I was a "freethinker", hoping to soften the blow of telling her I had become an atheist.. she wasn't fooled. The partner was murdered by his best friend in a drunken brawl, and Adi's sibs were taken by their natural mother's family, but I know Adi was still in the institution at the time; he'd been self-harming. I might or might not have not brought up the subject because I was so ashamed I couldn't do anything about it legally. I'm kind of surprised I mentioned it now, to be honest; I really just want to cry at my desk. But I promised myself I'd speak up for throwaway kids because of Adi.

It takes a lot to tell a story as honestly as you have now and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. Thanks so much for sharing this - I'm sure it has affected everyone that has read it and given them a perspective on this issue that they wouldn't have had before.

pilly

I hate to be harsh here but you really need to make this decision yourself. It's nothing to do with the law and it appears you're looking for a way around it by using the law. Sorry, it's about personal responsibility.

In saying that, I can see it from your wife's side too, it's not easy to raise a teenage girl, especially one that hasn't been brought up in the family so ground rules have to be set down, like she follows the rules of the household etc.

Loveinapril

pilly wrote: »

In saying that, I can see it from your wife's side too, it's not easy to raise a teenage girl, especially one that hasn't been brought up in the family so ground rules have to be set down, like she follows the rules of the household etc.

The wife has two of her own only two years younger than the OPs daughter!

OP i think your wife's behaviour is despicable. Would she want the same for your other daughters if something happened to her? How would she feel if they had to go into care because you wouldn't step up to parent them (because someone told you not to!)?

You can always request social work involvement when your daughter moves here. It could help ease the transition for all of you. This will be a hugely difficult time for your daughter. Your wife's attitude will greatly impact how well your daughter settles into her new life, including how her relationship with her sisters is nourished. Right now, your daughter should be your number 1 priority. She is a child and she needs her daddy.

bambay

bambay wrote: »

Thanks Teyla,
The truth of the matter is that my daughter and her mum are on the brink of being separated for good, according to the social worker and now she wants me to step-up. Much as I would love my daughter to live with me, my wife's resistance grows stronger by the day and even though I made the social worker aware of this, she still insists my child, like my other kids, has as much right to live with me. My wife wants her to be left in Foster care indefinitely but that is something I cannot condone while I am still alive.
My said daughter visited a couple of years ago and my wife had a fight with her because her upbringing was, according to my wife, in stark contrast with her children's and she says she does not want that influence on her kids. I am confused at to what to do next under the present circumstances. Do I bring my daughter in against my wife's wish and risk my marriage or allow my daughter to be eventually adopted and lose my biological parental rights and save my marriage?
I need more response at earliest convenience as I need to reach a decision in a couple of days. Is there any link that can enlighten me in this matter as far as family law is concerned?

In your position I'd be taking my daughter. You are her dad and she should come before any partner, no matter what, your daughter is a kid and needs her daddy.

Moonbeam

Do you have a relationship with your daughter in the UK?
The poor pet,this can not be easy for her.

Have the kids met? do they know each other?

the_syco

bambay wrote: »

My said daughter visited a couple of years ago and my wife had a fight with her because her upbringing was, according to my wife, in stark contrast with her children's and she says she does not want that influence on her kids.

Do your current kids question your wife's authority?

Calhoun

This thread makes me so angry, forget the wife OP what the hell is wrong with you? I didn't think it had gotten to the day where we throw away kids like we do dogs.

If I was in your situation I'd be going for a divorce right now because I can tell you this a person man or woman who can just discard a young girl without even trying is not someone I could build any kind of future with.

Your decision no matter what you decide will say more about you than it ever will your wife, have along hard think about that before you do anything and don't let yourself talk yourself into making it ok because it's really not.

Fleawuss

What a difficult situation. Your wife clashes with a 10 year old and her instincts tell her that the best she can do is protect her own children from contact with that 10 year old. That is a huge statement from a mother about another child.

That 10 year old is your daughter. That is the choice you face: abandon your own daughter to care or face losing your relationship.

Ignore the social worker talking manipulative crap: her / his goal is to reduce expense and demand for services. Find out from a psychiatrist or psychologists in writing what is the problem with your daughter. Find out if it can be addressed. Then decide if you have the capacity to do that.

You have an impossible situation in the choice. Life has dealt you a rough hand. You need to think clearly of yourself and your daughter. Make a decision as free from emotion as possible. I wish you every good luck.

bambay

Moonbeam wrote: »

Do you have a relationship with your daughter in the UK?
The poor pet,this can not be easy for her.

Have the kids met? do they know each other?

I have a good relationship with her. I was with her in Uk last wk and she has met her half-sisters. She said she would love to live with us if my wife would welcome her.

trixychic

bambay wrote: »

I have a good relationship with her. I was with her in Uk last wk and she has met her half-sisters. She said she would love to live with us if my wife would welcome her.

You were doing great there... till you brought up your wife. That shouldn't even be on her radar right now. Poor girl.

LegacyUser

My heart does go out to you op I mean this just seems like such an unbelievable situation, but your daughter needs you.

Really have to admit that I am astounded at your wife's reaction. I agree with all who advise that your daughter is priority here. If for whatever reason your wife got her own way, you would never forgive yourself for turning your back on your daughter. She may never recover from that rejection either. It's not like you are being disloyal to your other children, or your wife for that matter. It's about doing the right thing. Your wife is in the wrong. I think it is as clear cut as that.

Water John

You need to be positive and affirmative. What you need to both say and do is 'I will never turn my back on any of my children'. This sets out the ground for all concerned. Your wife, should allow a trial period of all living together, based on this principle which you will not deviate from. Choices for her arise from this.

This time period should be set out eg 6 months. A regular family meeting, maybe with a third party present, should take place each month. Issues are not let develop. all members including all 3 children have a say.
If things are tolerable, not perfect, it won't be, then it should become permanent. This girl is entitled and needs certainty and stability.

BTW, I know of two women who were rejected by their fathers and they are emotionally scarred. Be father to all 3. Best wishes.

Musketeer4

To be honest I think whats happening here is that the OPs wife's "cavewoman instincts" are particularly strong. Naturally she wants to protect and care for her own children first and foremost and doesn't want a non-biologically related child that isn't hers coming into the household taking up resources. Its just an animal instinct. Theres a thing called the Cinderella effect and what we have here appears to be a variation of that. In true cinderalla effect, the step parent will devote just enough resources to the step-child to keep the spouse in the frame to care for their own children, whom the will obviously favour. Cases of step child abuse are very often tied back to the Cinderella effect.

At the end of the day she needs to consider what is actually in the best interests, keeping the non-bio child out and breaking up the houshold or accepting the non-bio child into the house for the sake of keeping her own family unit together. To my eyes the latter would seem to be the most advantageous option.

pilly

Another thing to consider here is does the wife do all of the childcare? If she does then I can see how that would effect her decision.

Ironman76

I was only an infant when my father met my step mother. She hated the sight of me since.
Thankfully I was raised by a different family where I was happy and loved.
It was only meant to be temporary but once the stepmother put her foot down there was no way I was going back. Especially when they had three kids of their own.
I have no relationship with my father now at all because of this woman. Cant stand him in fact, or her.
Even when I would visit as a teenager etc she hated me being around.
I know I would have ended up like poor Adi  had I been raised in that environment.
(My biological mother has never been in my life not that I care).

The issue I can see developing here is even if your daughter does move in with you your wife will never take to her. She will shun her and this could affect her just as bad.
Your daughter is entering her most challenging years, her teens and will need support, not to be treated like crap and with total resentment.
If this move does go ahead you will need to put your foot down that she will be treated equally to your other children. This is critical.
As I mentioned above I thank the stars everyday I wasn’t raised by my father and this woman.

Its great that you want to be there for your daughter and help as much as possible.
But sadly it may come down to having to make a choice between your wife or your daughter.
Regardless of the outcome your wife will carry on being the person she is but this could be very damaging for your daughter if she is rejected now.
Could have horrendous consequences, as we have seen mentioned earlier.

Last year my son was thrown out by his mother. They were arguing all the time.
He asked could he come and live with me and I have to admit, I was nervous about breaking it to my wife.
Thankfully she was very supportive (although she does get on well with him which helped I suppose.)
But for a few hours I did contemplate what would happen if she wasn’t up for it. I honestly wouldn’t have known what to do.
So there you go, Im no hero either. You really don’t know until you are in the situation.

So I get whats going through your head. Horrible stuff.
I really hope the right thing is done here.

Evd-Burner

Don't think I'd stay with a wife with that attitude. Your child needs a parent, end of.

draiochtanois

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Calhoun

draiochtanois wrote: »

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It may come down to that yes, and he wont exactly be abandoning them he will still be there father and involved in their lives but he may not live with them.

Satriale

Just my 2 cents, you need to focus on your lone daughter, you can still be there for your other two girls, but they already have a mother to mind them as well. Dont argue with your wife, just tell her you love her and you know she would do the exact same thing if your roles were reversed.
I suspect your wife will see sense, but if she doesn't, so be it, your daughter is the priority at the moment.

Best of luck, it's a terrible situation, but i think you already know what's best.

Musketeer4

At the end of the day the wife is the least important person (or should be) in the picture as far as OP is concerned.

His first daughter is first priority because apart from OP, she has no-one to care and provide for her, so he needs to be with her.
Second (but only marginally) are the 2 children he has with wife. Obviously he will still care for and be in their life but they will be OK since they have their mother.
Third priority is himself, to maintain his sanity and ability to provide for above.
Fourth and last priority is the wife.

I think we all would agree that the OP should take in his daughter and support her. The only question is will that be a) within the home he has b) within that home but without wife or c) he leaves the home and sets up a new one with daughter.

Obviously a) is the most favourable. of b & c, b is preferable.

If she won't agree I'd be angling to throw wife out of the house as she is the one not playing ball.

Before you make any decisions OP, perhaps you should get on to an experienced family law solicitor to see what the best tactics are going forward.

Aye Bosun

This might be a bit harsh OP but I think you really need to man up and look after your responsibilities. Your daughter from your first relationship is the only priority here. Your other 2 kids have a mother that is will and able to look after them. Your other daughter does not.
I'd be tell your wife to put up or get out, when she married you she married your family and that included your daughter. If she is not willing to take on a child of 12 who will go in care if she can't live you than show her the door..honestly I would not want to be in relationship with someone who did not support me and family in every way needed in a situation like this. She sounds like some piece of work. I'd also be a bit concerned about the selfish influence she has on your other 2 kids.

miamee

Musketeer4 wrote: »

To be honest I think whats happening here is that the OPs wife's "cavewoman instincts" are particularly strong. Naturally she wants to protect and care for her own children first and foremost and doesn't want a non-biologically related child that isn't hers coming into the household taking up resources. Its just an animal instinct. Theres a thing called the Cinderella effect and what we have here appears to be a variation of that. In true cinderalla effect, the step parent will devote just enough resources to the step-child to keep the spouse in the frame to care for their own children, whom the will obviously favour. Cases of step child abuse are very often tied back to the Cinderella effect.

At the end of the day she needs to consider what is actually in the best interests, keeping the non-bio child out and breaking up the houshold or accepting the non-bio child into the house for the sake of keeping her own family unit together. To my eyes the latter would seem to be the most advantageous option.

The problem with that is this girl is biologically related to everyone else in the house except for OP's wife.
It's a very difficult decision the OP has to make but I'd be of the same opinion as most people that his eldest daughter needs him more than anyone else does at the moment. Imagine the example that turning her away will give to her younger sisters? Will they live in fear that the same thing could happen to them somehow? They have a mammy and daddy who care for them and love thme but the oldest daughter currently has neither; the poor thing needs at least one parent to prioritise her.

OP I don't envy you this difficult time; do your other daughters know what is happening? If so would a family meeting be appropriate? I know they are young but they aren't babies. This is potentially a big change that will affect all four of you if your oldest daughter did come to live with you. Presuming they like spending time with their sister, their opinions may help to sway their mothers opinion.

draiochtanois

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Dravokivich

draiochtanois wrote: »

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How did you get to that, when the concern here is for his daughter?

Engine No.9

I haven't read thru the post so I'm not sure if this has been said before, but this girl is your daughter, man. If your wife breaks up your family or even threatens it due to your very daughter coming to live with you then you and your daughter are much better off without her.

Its a rock and a hard place situation, but it could not be clearer which way you need to go. Bring in your daughter. She needs love, support, family and to hell with your wife (really). The family may split, but so long as you love your daughter and your other 2 kids and support them, there is not much more that you can do.

And seriously!!! Blood is thicker than water mate. Your wife is the water here. Its so black and white. I'm getting angrier the more I write and think about this. Your wife needs her head examined and her parental capacity must be seriously questioned over this.

draiochtanois

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Speedwell

draiochtanois wrote: »

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That the needs of the children of a family, who cannot fend for themselves, trump the needs of the adults, who can. That even if they are separated for a while due to misunderstandings, a true parent steps up in an emergency. That human beings make altruistic, compassionate decisions because of their shared humanity, and resist giving in to atavistic, antisocial urges. That Daddy protects his children from threats to their well-being even when that threat comes from a source very close to him and the protection involves his personal sacrifice. That type of example.

Dravokivich

draiochtanois wrote: »

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Copy and paste, doesn't explain why you accused the other person of being misogynistic.

Especially when the child of concern is a girl. A dependent girl, who's needs are greater than that of the wife, who I'd expect can potentially provide for herself. Or should she require the undivided attention of a man?

draiochtanois

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njs030

draiochtanois wrote: »

Originally Posted by Musketeer "At the end of the day the wife is the least important person"

That's not misogynistic, the wife IS the least important person in a situation where the other person is a 12 year old girl. Surely you can see the demands of a grown adult woman come second to the welfare of a child?

Op I really feel sorry for you, what a horribly messy situation but your wife married you knowing you had a child and unfortunately that child is as important as the ones she gave birth to, I hope she comes round to seeing this girl as part of her family before its too late.

Dravokivich

draiochtanois wrote: »

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Who's being selective?

The person who is entirely dependent, is by our very nature, the more important party, in comparison to any other for support.

It has been explained throughout the thread that the stepdaughter reference in the title was from the perspective of his wife.

He also made a statement of intent with his current family that if needs be, he will arrange accommodation for himself and his 3 daughters. So he doesn't sound like a back seat guy regarding family matters. It's tougher to be more involved hands on when a child from a previous relationship is abroad.

The issue regarding the social worker, is solely in regards to the inability of the mother in the UK. You seems to be expecting he to just leave her be. By all accounts he has a relationship with his daughter, who also by the OPs account seems to be familiar with and keen on her step sisters.

And you think, someone here has a problem with women, because they are concerned for the wellbeing of someone, who with the proper support from family first and foremost, can grow to be a woman?

kunst nugget

It seems baffling that someone would bring in gender politics into the conversation…

Dravokivich

kunst nugget wrote: »

It seems baffling that someone would bring in gender politics into the conversation…

They've been teasing it throughout the thread.

Dardania

draiochtanois wrote: »

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You are selective quoting my response to the below out of context.

"At the end of the day the wife is the least important person"

The idea that the relationship with his wife and mother of two of his three children isn't important is baffling.

It's quite clear he has pretty much abandoned his 12 yo. If you are hearing from a social worker in a different country that you should step up you have messed up in a big way.

It's obvious he has minimal contact with her.

And it's pretty obvious that his wife does the heavy lifting with the two here.

Jeez he is calling his daughter "stepdaughter" in the title of the thread.[/quote]

This calling the daughter his step daughter in thread title I interpreted as being with respect to his wife. Not that he considered his first daughter his step daughter. But it is possible to interpret both ways.

I wonder are you projecting your own perspective on this situation unfairly?

Musketeer4

draiochtanois wrote: »

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Dravokivich wrote: »

How did you get to that, when the concern here is for his daughter?

Dravokivich wrote: »

Copy and paste, doesn't explain why you accused the other person of being misogynistic.

Especially when the child of concern is a girl. A dependent girl, who's needs are greater than that of the wife, who I'd expect can potentially provide for herself. Or should she require the undivided attention of a man?

draiochtanois wrote: »

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I'm not being misogynistic. I'm not saying that to belittle her value as a person or as a woman or a wife. I'm not saying she is unimportant, I'm saying she is the least important.

And on the bolded bit, how is that "pretty obvious" as you put it? Clarify.

draiochtanois

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Judge Trudy

Your daughter really needs you in this situation. She is your flesh and blood after all. Did your wife not know you had another daughter and understood the situation? I have a child from a previous relationship and my partner loves her like his own. Only this morning he was telling me that she was telling him how much she loves him and how chuffed he was. I couldn't be with him if he hadn't accepted her from the get go. Your wife needs to be more understanding and accepting.

CelticRambler

seamus wrote: »

Your wife has to agree to a trial period. She is understandably protective of her two girls, but at the cost of the happiness of your little girl. You need to put it in absolute terms - if she doesn't agree to this, then you're going to leave and find a place to live and raise your child alone.

Three children with two separated, but loving parents is better than two children in a happy home and a third child cast asunder with the knowledge that her family doesn't want her.

Then go to see your daughter. Take a week off, get a hotel and spend the time with her. Explain to her that she's getting a new start in life and that's going to require change. That's it's going to be tough, there's going to be arguments, but that she's being brought into a family who want nothing but the best for her, and she can't do whatever she used to do.
She is a child, but she's old enough to understand that actions come with consequences.

Assuming your wife has agreed to the trial period, have your wife come over for the weekend. Have the 3 of your spend time together without the other two girls so that your wife can interact with your daughter outside of her ultra-protective mother mode.

Speaking as a father who's had to deal with some of this stuff, and from what's been said already, I'd opt for a faster, more definitive variation of the plan above. The first - most important - decision is easy: say "yes" to your eldest daughter joining the rest of the family, then set about making it happen.

If your wife isn't immediately ready to accept the girl, then I'd arrange accommodation for her wherever you are now (hotel or b&b, or even nearby friends) so that she, your daugther was in no doubt that you were taking care of her. During that time, you'd explain to her that she was going to have to face a lot of changes in her life, including school/friends/weather/shopping/etc, and you'd be counting on her to deal with these in a mature way.

I would most certainly tell her outright that your wife had a problem (if you know what it is - what it really is - then tell your daughter) and that you could only really make things work if she was prepared to make a lot of concessions in the early days of her new family life.

After that, I'd have no compunction about using/getting the other two girls to join the effort to persuade their mother to accept their (half)sister as a full member of the family, all the while being careful that whatever it is that's unsettled your wife is dealt with in a sensitive way, e.g. don't let your eldest daughter start taking the younger girls clothes shopping or have them pigging out on junk food, if these are things that their mother's always controlled before.

Having seen a couple of my nieces (8 and 10) start to "cause trouble" for their highly-organised mother simply by having a difference of opinion as to what to do during a very short holiday, I wonder if your wife is really prepared for her own daughters' adolescence and the "attitude" that comes with it. You'll need to be careful no to let your daughter get the blame for what was going to happen anyway, so if at all possible, try to get someone else involved as a referee - e.g. a good neighbour (with children) or a parent of another child in the school.

Moonbeam

Is your wife a stay at home mother? what do your 2 other daughters think?
I can't help but feel for this child in the UK,we don't know what her mothers issues are but they must be serious and the poor little thing has to live with that and a dad that doesn't know if he wants her or not.

I think the question you need to ask is more How do I approach this? How do I deal with it?

claregal1

Put yourself in your daughter's shoes - she has already faced massive changes in her home life by being on foster care and being separated from her Mother and now her Father is unsure as to whether or not he will allow her to live with him and his new family ......

Glass fused light

Some people on here must be single children, and had very blissful childhoods, grown up in either a patriarch or a matriarch controlled traditional family unit. The OP's posts are all about the OP; being forced into looking after his child by the social worker; by being forced to choose between his children,  by being forced to choose between his child and wife; not how can he find a workable solution. 

The OP has chosen to enter a second relationship with an existing child.  The OP has chosen to partner with someone who either always had issues with the family relationship or has since developed issues.
The OP has chosen to have two more children with a partner and failed, for what ever reason, to manage the relationship between his existing child (his prior and ongoing obligation to care for her) and his current partner and her children.

The primary responsibility of nurturing the daughter/wife relationship always belonged with the OP.

He is informing his daughter that her living within his current 'family unit' is solely down to his wife's  choice.  He is delivering an ultimatum to his wife; via his first child's social worker!; that he is leaving and if it suits her, he'll take the other two too.  And people are cheering from the sidelines not wondering why his current partner is worried?

Anyone who thinks that the two other children will just accept their sibling without the active support and encouragement of both their parents are living in LaLa land; and if their world falls apart they will blame their sibling not their parents.

If the child is moving from the UK to Ireland, what is the Irish social worker doing to provide support for the move, and what is the OP doing to put a support system in place.  This decision and the process of merging all the members into a single family unit can't happen overnight and will not happen at all unless the OP steps up and takes ownership of the communication needed to putting a solution in place. Even if it will not happen, that is down to both adults not just the wife, and if this happens they should then both act as grown-ups and manage the solution to be in the best interest of all the children.

The wife is going to be a co-parent and will have to deal with the "your not my Mam and You can't tell me ..."  Whats the game plan to deal with this. Communication is not happening in the adult relationship, as they could not agree and communicate ground rules for the child's last visit, and they are not working together to resolve the current crisis.  So how is the OP going to deal with three children who have 'lost' a parent from their lives

Calhoun

Glass fused light wrote: »

Some people on here must be single children, and had very blissful childhoods, grown up in either a patriarch or a matriarch controlled traditional family unit. The OP's posts are all about the OP; being forced into looking after his child by the social worker; by being forced to choose between his children,  by being forced to choose between his child and wife; not how can he find a workable solution. 

The OP has chosen to enter a second relationship with an existing child.  The OP has chosen to partner with someone who either always had issues with the family relationship or has since developed issues.
The OP has chosen to have two more children with a partner and failed, for what ever reason, to manage the relationship between his existing child (his prior and ongoing obligation to care for her) and his current partner and her children.

The primary responsibility of nurturing the daughter/wife relationship always belonged with the OP.

He is informing his daughter that her living within his current 'family unit' is solely down to his wife's  choice.  He is delivering an ultimatum to his wife; via his first child's social worker!; that he is leaving and if it suits her, he'll take the other two too.  And people are cheering from the sidelines not wondering why his current partner is worried?

Anyone who thinks that the two other children will just accept their sibling without the active support and encouragement of both their parents are living in LaLa land; and if their world falls apart they will blame their sibling not their parents.

If the child is moving from the UK to Ireland, what is the Irish social worker doing to provide support for the move, and what is the OP doing to put a support system in place.  This decision and the process of merging all the members into a single family unit can't happen overnight and will not happen at all unless the OP steps up and takes ownership of the communication needed to putting a solution in place. Even if it will not happen, that is down to both adults not just the wife, and if this happens they should then both act as grown-ups and manage the solution to be in the best interest of all the children.

The wife is going to be a co-parent and will have to deal with the "your not my Mam and You can't tell me ..."  Whats the game plan to deal with this. Communication is not happening in the adult relationship, as they could not agree and communicate ground rules for the child's last visit, and they are not working together to resolve the current crisis.  So how is the OP going to deal with three children who have 'lost' a parent from their lives

Child of divorce actually and i think your looking into this in a bit more detail than any of the rest of us.

First off has the OP actually informed his wife of any ultimatum at this time? from what i can see he is looking into his options it would be good practice if he was to move out that he would have a place to go when he had custody of the children. This is Ireland he will not be entitled to custody automatically for his younger two daughters and will have to have a place to go if he wants visitation with them over the weekend.

Second, his other two daughters will have to get over it. They may well blame their sibling but the OP still has a responsibility to them.

Third the remaining bits and pieces are logistics that i am sure if the OP responds again he might fill in for us but none of it should get in the way of deciding stepping up and being a father to his daughter in the UK.

Finally how does a divorce in 2016 Ireland equate to losing either parent? Are one of them going to die?

Evd-Burner

draiochtanois wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Yes I did think that through. He has 3 children, 1 of which who is potentially being left to the 'system' to be raised, that in my eyes is completely unacceptable. Leaving his wife does not necessarily translate into him leaving his other 2 children, he should still very much be apart of their lives also. At the end of the day there is a child here in need, as a parent he should do whatever is in his power to better that child's life.

mickotoole

A question... It's your daughter the product of an affair? If so it explains your wife's feelings towards her step daughter. It certainly dies not condone it though.

Ask your wife, if the two of you separated and anything happened to her would she want your two kids going into care or would she want you to care for them? If she is honest with you and herself she should see how selfish she is being.

Good luck OP, this is a very difficult situation. I hope that your wife can see sense and that you can all move forward as a family.

Glass fused light

Calhoun wrote: »

Second, his other two daughters will have to get over it. They may well blame their sibling but the OP still has a responsibility to them.

This is kind of my point, will they get over the fact that Daddy left them for his other child?  His first child is facing this prospect, she may be able to rationalise that she has been taken from her mother.  But she knows Daddy has to make a choice, the two others will figure that out too.

How about all the adults taking that on board and working from there.

Calhoun wrote: »

Child of divorce
(snip)
Finally how does a divorce in 2016 Ireland equate to losing either parent? Are one of them going to die?

As a someone who will/(may) have grown up in a dual family household situation, I would suggest that you have been in situations where you realise how the poor actions of waring parents could damage the parental bond, and that not all loss arises from death.

Calhoun wrote: »

First off has the OP actually informed his wife of any ultimatum at this time? from what i can see he is looking into his options it would be good practice if he was to move out that he would have a place to go when he had custody of the children.  This is Ireland he will not be entitled to custody automatically for his younger two daughters and will have to have a place to go if he wants visitation with them over the weekend.

Second, his other two daughters will have to get over it. They may well blame their sibling but the OP still has a responsibility to them.

Third the remaining bits and pieces are logistics that i am sure if the OP responds again he might fill in for us but none of it should get in the way of deciding stepping up and being a father to his daughter in the UK.

I am not asking that the OP fills us in on all the little bits and pieces, he can share or not.  I am offering a suggestion that communication and getting the system to work with his existing family setup is a better starting point.

Should he step up? Yes, be a parent, but its crazy for anyone to suggest that his first option should be dump the wife and other children without looking for a middle ground.  

He needs to act in the best interest of all his children, and aiming for that as a starting point?  I am assuming that when it comes to raising a family he and his wife share some core values  and that his first child would benefit from being in a family environment which support these values. If the social worker is claiming that they have no obligation once Daddy and child gets on the plane leaving her mother and social structures behind, where does that leave the child?  She is in a much less beneficial situation, being moved to a new country to live in a single parent household, where the parent has to split their focus between the child and dealing with a marriage breakdown, and probably parental alienation with his two other children.

Part of growing up in a family is learning to communicate and compromise.  If the adults can't work out how to at least try to find a way forward everyone looses. After all if his marriage collapses, social services should not allow him to move back to Ireland without proving that he can provide proper care, including accommodation, for his child, as his wife is occupying their current home.   Plus I suspect that if his wife is willing to leave him rather than let her two be influenced by his first child, week-end visitation are unlikely.

The child has been placed in care as the social services have examined her home life and deemed it unsuitable.  If the OP genuinely and honestly assesses the child's needs and realises that specialist care/help is needed, her needs are better served by remaining where she is in the short term.  Whether this is resulting from the mother's issues or the child's, is only important in that the child will need different support transitioning into a new living arrangement, and that's the social worker's job, not offload her care on to an unprepared parent.

In fact if the OP can persuade his wife that they can work together with social services to make it work, as a couple and as a family, everyone wins.