Anniversary Mass

TPF2012

Hi people. There probably has been threads on this before but I'll ask anyway. I'm from and live in rural Ireland and have a friend's first anniversary mass coming up soon. Now my family and wife are saying that I have to go but I don't feel the same way. I don't believe in God or any of the religious stuff anymore but living in my community you are inevitably in contact with it very regularly. I think about my friend a lot and feel I don't need a mass to remember him. Anyway I know 90% that will attend these masses are just there to be seen. Maybe I'll just go and avoid giving the impression I don't give a **** by not attending.

OverRide

If your friends were clowns and decided to hold an anniversary circus in a big top for your dead friend,would you go?

The mass should be no different,you're there for them,the same as at a wedding
Their practices and beliefs are or should be irrelevant to you

5rtytry56

Go OP.


If you cared ANYWAY more than two sh!ts of a fu¢k about your friend's acquaintance with you.

FA Hayek

Putting the cart before the horse here my friend. I know you want to be cool and different and to be honest I doubt most of your friends are die hard catholics. Most people don't really care for dogma anymore. People do not give a ****e anymore.

They do however care enough for your friend to organise an event so that his family and friends can gather and remember him/her. There will definitely be some sort of tea and sandwiches, maybe even a few pints shared while they share a few stories about your friend.

So, you can chose to mop about on the net or whatever you do in your spare time. Or, pull your head out and go and remember your friend as part of the community.

robindch

Mod:

FA Hayek wrote: »

I know you want to be cool and different [...] pull your head out [...]

In the context of the death of a friend and genuine concerns which the poster has about how one can reconcile personal beliefs with social obligations, your comment is completely disrespectful towards the poster and the situation they're in, as well as unworthy of this forum.

Please feel free to post here in A+A again when your ban expires and when you've taken the time to read the forum charter.

GLaDOS

Just go, for your friend. Don't do communion or the whole standy upy, kneely downy rigmarole if you don't want. You could probably just stand down the back maybe. But show your face for your friend.

Kidchameleon

Serious but hypothetical question OP. If your wife were to die, would you have such a dilema about attending a mass?

TPF2012

Yes I would have the same dilemma but peer pressure and social obligations dictated by the Church are what I don't understand in this day and age. Why should we continue to run to the Catholic church for these sort of things. I believe when my parents generation is gone, 30 years from now, these things will be rare events. If I don't go to this mass I will still meet our friends that evening, remembering him more appropriately in the local pub than a church the rarely went to anyway.

Speedwell

My husband doesn't darken the door of a church, ever, not even for family weddings and christenings (he does absolutely go to receptions and christening parties away from a church building). He has bad memories. I choose to shoulder the burden of showing up at the actual church if need be because I am not so triggered by being in one. Of course, I'm just not really bothered by it any more than a Harvard anthropologist would feel obliged to participate in South American tribal head shrinking rituals along with the local witch doctor. I might even sing a solo with the choir if they appealed to my vanity in exactly the right way.

Mark Hamill

Was your friend religious?
If s/he was, then going to the mass (even just to sit at the back and not participate) would be a way to respect and remember him/her.
If not, then you can do something else, something that represents what your friend liked about life (if they had a favourite local pub they attended, you could go there and talk about them to the others, or if they had a local team they supported you could attend with a jersey with his/her name on it). Of course, you may already do these things yourself, hence you think and remember your friend a lot anyway.

You could also always just go to their grave at the time of the mass and leave some flowers or say some words or whatever you feel your friend would appreciate. If anyone mentions you absence at the mass, then mentions their absence at the grave.

witchgirl26

I think for something like this, your own personal beliefs don't really have to come into it. Look on it less like a mass and more like an opportunity to sit and think of your friend for a while without normal life getting in the way. If you don't believe in it, then don't take communion or say the creed. It's a good chance to be there for your mutual friends and your friend's family.

OverRide

TPF2012 wrote: »

Yes I would have the same dilemma but peer pressure and social obligations dictated by the Church are what I don't understand in this day and age. Why should we continue to run to the Catholic church for these sort of things. I believe when my parents generation is gone, 30 years from now, these things will be rare events. If I don't go to this mass I will still meet our friends that evening, remembering him more appropriately in the local pub than a church the rarely went to anyway.

Well if you feel that strongly about it,these masses are usually done at scheduled masses these days anyway ,usually on a Saturday evening or a Sunday,so you can arrive 30 minutes after the mass is scheduled to start and hang around outside until the others come out
No one will know any different
It's not the time to be making the event about your conscientious objections ,it's about the person that's dead and their close ones I think

Danjamin1

This is entirely your own choice OP, don't let others opinions impact on your decision.

Both my folks passed away about 10 years ago & I did the whole anniversary mass thing for a while for the sake of my family but it just felt so disingenuous. I stopped after a couple of years & told my aunts & uncles that if any of them wanted to arrange their own anniversary masses they were more than welcome but I wouldn't be doing it anymore. There was no animosity, we simply went on with that arrangement: some of my aunts & uncles arrange masses, some don't. I don't attend any of them. Instead I go to their grave on their anniversaries & remember them. And it feels much more personal to me.

Walter H Price

OP, I totally get how annoying it is that so much of this kinda stuff funerals , anniversary etc... still center around the church , particularly if you know the person never gave two short ones about Jebus or mass or any of that craic.

But out of respect for your mates family you should just suck it up go along sit out the silly Simon says stuff and the pass on the cracker but just go to show your support to the family and that.

TPF2012

Mark Hamill wrote:

Was your friend religious? If s/he was, then going to the mass (even just to sit at the back and not participate) would be a way to respect and remember him/her. If not, then you can do something else, something that represents what your friend liked about life (if they had a favourite local pub they attended, you could go there and talk about them to the others, or if they had a local team they supported you could attend with a jersey with his/her name on it). Of course, you may already do these things yourself, hence you think and remember your friend a lot anyway.

OverRide wrote:

Well if you feel that strongly about it,these masses are usually done at scheduled masses these days anyway ,usually on a Saturday evening or a Sunday,so you can arrive 30 minutes after the mass is scheduled to start and hang around outside until the others come out No one will know any different It's not the time to be making the event about your conscientious objections ,it's about the person that's dead and their close ones I think

It is just something I have been thinking about for a long time not just this particular time. I would not be making my objections public and this isn't meant to be a slight against my friend family having an anniversary mass. It is just a reaction to the social pressures that the Catholic church still has on Irish life. I had my first born baptised earlier this year, wife pushed it and I went along with it to avoid a row and to make my life easier for my son in the future which should not be the case also.

Pawwed Rig

To be fair to the church especially as regards funerals they provide structure on a day when you need it and give you less to organise as a place is provided for people to gather, a format is in place to talk about your loss, there is a start middle and end to the whole process. WRT the anniversary mass I wouldn't be arsed going to one for anybody. Then again there is no social pressure on me to do so.

recedite

FA Hayek wrote: »

There will definitely be some sort of tea and sandwiches, maybe even a few pints shared while they share a few stories about your friend.

I doubt these pints will be served in the church.
So it would seem the solution is to skip the church bit and go straight to the afters. I don't see how that would be a problem, assuming the primary purpose of the event is to remember the deceased as opposed to getting people who don't normally attend mass into a church.

In practical terms, the best plan is probably to arrive at the church just as its ending, and then hang around outside for the meet and greet.

Mr_A

Unless they are different to those I have been at these anniversary masses are generally just the regular weekday mass but with a certain person or persons getting the briefest of mentions. On the bright side they're generally pretty quick and you can lurk near the back and not have to get too involved.

Jacxel

Would your friend have wanted you to go? That would be my biggest consideration.

Cabaal

witchgirl26 wrote: »

I think for something like this, your own personal beliefs don't really have to come into it. Look on it less like a mass and more like an opportunity to sit and think of your friend for a while without normal life getting in the way. .

To be fair alot of people don't find mass's and church's as places that have any connection to their loved one's,

If I went to a church to try and think about a friend or family member it wouldn't be far off me going to a shopping centre, in that it would have zero meaning to me.

I'd personally much rather go up a mountain or walk in a wood while I remember a person, connecting with nature rather then being surrounded by man made religious relics for a faith I don't believe in.

witchgirl26

Cabaal wrote: »

To be fair alot of people don't find mass's and church's as places that have any connection to their loved one's,

If I went to a church to try and think about a friend or family member it wouldn't be far off me going to a shopping centre, in that it would have zero meaning to me.

I'd personally much rather go up a mountain or walk in a wood while I remember a person, connecting with nature rather then being surrounded by man made religious relics for a faith I don't believe in.

Oh I completely get that. I'm not saying you should organise a mass or anything, just in the context of one already being organised and the OP debating whether to go or not he could take it as that opportunity. I don't for one minute think that the mass itself or the church will have an impact on the OP but it was just an idea.

Devia

I will attend a mass (anniversaries, funerals, weddings) only as a mark of respect. I find that even a lot of non-religious or people disconnected from their birth religion still feel compelled to do the "done thing" or follow the norm when it comes to weddings, funerals etc. so I feel it's unavoidable really. It's like going to the pub and not drinking.

sillysmiles

TBH, this is the same as funerals for me. You don't go to funerals for the dead person really - they are dead and aren't going to notice. You go for the living, for the family and friends, who take support in the fact that the person they loved was important to others too and that the deceased mattered enough to you to turn up.

pilly

I totally understand where you're coming from OP. Having moved from Dublin to a rural community in the last year I can not believe the amount of people who turn up to funerals of people they have never even met, it's totally about being seen rather than paying respects to anyone. It's not so much like that in Dublin, people who are religious may observe it, others don't and it's not frowned upon either way.

I would follow your heart and go to the gathering afterwards and just say that you're not religious so feel hypocritical going to the church.

meeeeh

sillysmiles wrote: »

TBH, this is the same as funerals for me. You don't go to funerals for the dead person really - they are dead and aren't going to notice. You go for the living, for the family and friends, who take support in the fact that the person they loved was important to others too and that the deceased mattered enough to you to turn up.

This. As crazy as it sounds friends and family often draw comfort from seeing how many people turned out. If you go just for drinks it could be perceived as someone who didn't bother with remembering their friend but was up for drinking session. In that case I think you are better of not showing up at all. You can blame it on mixing up the dates or something similar.

BlaasForRafa

Jacxel wrote: »

Would your friend have wanted you to go? That would be my biggest consideration.

Would his friend have wanted him to be guilt-tripped and pressured into going?

Walter H Price

I was chatting with a mate last night and wierdly this thread came up , He's on boards a good bit and would be a bit of a hard line athiest like he will be one of my grooms men now but before we changed our mind and decided to have a cilil ceremony he had told me he wouldn't be attending the wedding as it was in the church.

He was aguing that no way the OP should go if he dosn't believe etc... and should just remember his mate in his own way and send the family a text or something to let know he was thinking of them.

This perticular guys dad passd away about 2 and a half years ago , and his was the first non religious funeral i was ever at ( and it was a lovely personal event) , i don't ever remember them doing a months mind or any of that but the did do a thing to mark the anniversery which was in his dads favourite pub. I don't drink , i stopped 5 years ago for health reasons ... I put it to him that i dont like pubs , pub culture , drinkng or being around people who a drunk and asked how he would have felt if i had decided that because i didn't want anything to do with the whole pub thing anymore i wasn't going to go to the thing for his dad and just sent him a text instead.

he argued the toss for a few minutes but ultimately had to conceed that out of respect to the family of the deceased you should show your support and be there regardless of the venue and actually said he felt like a bit of a dick now for skipping out on another mate of ours Grandads funeral last year. we all have our principles on this stuff , reasons for not believing or being openly anti church but at the end of the day when it comes down to it sometimes principles have to be put aside because somethings are more important.

Michael Nugent

The practice of religion is a matter of freedom of conscience. If you don't believe in Mass, then you should not be pressurised into attending Mass, particularly not by posters on an atheist discussion forum.

I would not have even dreamt of organising an explicitly atheist event to mark the anniversary of my wife's death, but if I had I certainly would not have expected religious people to attend it.

If religious people want to mark an anniversary with a Mass, then they are perfectly entitled to do so, but they should not expect people who do not share those beliefs to automatically participate.

Qs

Anniversary masses are a big deal to some people, they really help them remember and honour their loved ones but I don't see why anyone should be obliged to attend if they are non religious. Don't listen to anyone who says not attending is making it about you, its entirely the other way around. If people get annoyed at you not going they are making it about themselves and how they think you should act. Its their issue not yours.

Cabaal

For those arguing that he should certainly go, I'm guessing in a real world situation if they were asked to attend a Muslim funeral with prayers etc if they would actually go.

Remember, the standing and kneeling part of a Catholic mass is very religious imho, I personally don't do any of it. But for that I've gotten grief for it even though people know my views on religion.

Walter H Price

Cabaal wrote: »

For those arguing that he should certainly go, I'm guessing in a real world situation if they were asked to attend a Muslim funeral with prayers etc if they would actually go.

Remember, the standing and kneeling part of a Catholic mass is very religious imho, I personally don't do any of it. But for that I've gotten grief for it even though people know my views on religion.

Like i said go for the family not the simon says or the cracker , ive gone to allot of freinds weddings , parents and grandparets funerals and my own family church events too ... i just go sit out the simon says stuff , pass on the cracker (hate the taste anyway) most people wouldn't really say anything i've one aunt that would but shes a bit of a zelot with the whole thing , then again at family stuff my mum and dad would be sitting it out too.

It is a pain in the arse that so much stuff still involves the church here but i do think you should go for the person or to support their family and just ignore the God speak

Not sure you would get away with sitting it out in a Mosque they take it all allot more seriously

Qs

Where do you draw the line though Walter? My wifes family had the death of a youngish member of the family last year and they organised an awful lot of masses for it. Not just a months mind but several other masses before and after that too. I went to the funeral out of respect for the family and the aunt who had died but I decided not to attend all the other masses. I really don't think the family members who wanted those masses got less comfort from them because I wasn't there.

Walter H Price

Qs wrote: »

Where do you draw the line though Walter? My wifes family had the death of a youngish member of the family last year and they organised an awful lot of masses for it. Not just a months mind but several other masses before and after that too. I went to the funeral out of respect for the family and the aunt who had died but I decided not to attend all the other masses. I really don't think the family members who wanted those masses got less comfort from them because I wasn't there.

Ah yeh look theres no expectation to go to every little mass ... to be honest i wouldnt even go to the months mind if it wasnt anyone perticularly close (like a friends grandparent or one of my gran aunts or unles) i think if it is somone your close to thogh like immediate family or a close friend themself or their parent , partner or child.

The big events like funerals , christenings and weddings i would go for the person , if it was an aniversery or a moths mind fro a mate or close family i would go but after that i think tbh theres no real expectation to go ... like my granny is quite religious and has mass said for my grnadfather a couple of time a year , his birthday , aniversey , their wedding anniversey and around easter time like obviously i went to the funeral , months mind and first anniversery (hes been dead 6 years now) but havnt been to any of the rest my aunts go to some but my mum and dad and my cousins wouldnt and i dont think theres any expectation there for us to go tbh.

recedite

recedite wrote: »

I doubt these pints will be served in the church.
So it would seem the solution is to skip the church bit and go straight to the afters. I don't see how that would be a problem, assuming the primary purpose of the event is to remember the deceased as opposed to getting people who don't normally attend mass into a church.

In practical terms, the best plan is probably to arrive at the church just as its ending, and then hang around outside for the meet and greet.

pilly wrote: »

I would follow your heart and go to the gathering afterwards and just say that you're not religious so feel hypocritical going to the church.

Showing up for the tea/sandwiches and drinks after an anniversary mass and not going to the mass would very frowned upon imo. Looks like the person is out for some free food/drinks.

Qs

Harmony Many Bank wrote: »

Showing up for the tea/sandwiches and drinks after an anniversary mass and not going to the mass would very frowned upon imo. Looks like the person is out for some free food/drinks.

I've certainly never experienced that. I know when my grandparents died my parents and their siblings just appreciated anyone who made an appearance at all over the couple of days. People have work etc too and can't always find the time for every part of it.

meeeeh

Qs wrote: »

I've certainly never experienced that. I know when my grandparents died my parents and their siblings just appreciated anyone who made an appearance at all over the couple of days. People have work etc too and can't always find the time for every part of it.

I think it's different around funerals. Nobody except the family and sometimes the closest friends is expected to be there for all the stuff. But anniversary events for me fall into two, either you show up for the whole thing or you don't show up at all. Showing up just for sandwiches and tea afterwards could be perceived a bit crude.

Qs

Again maybe for some people but thats not something I've ever encountered or heard people complaining about. These things may vary depending on your community and social circles though.

Walter H Price

Qs wrote: »

Again maybe for some people but thats not something I've ever encountered or heard people complaining about. These things may vary depending on your community and social circles though.

id agree ive never really seen that once or twice i've had to to that because i couldnt make it to the funeal on time from work or that and ive either made it to the church right at the end or just gone strait to wherever the tea and sandwichs is on to pay my respects there.

Michael Nugent

To be honest, just turning up for the nonreligious aspects is being polite, and is ignoring the (obviously unintended) disrespect of inviting an atheist to attend a Mass in circumstances where they may feel pressurised to act against their conscience.

For obvious reasons, this is not an issue that you would raise with people on such an occasion. They are sincere people who, at a vulnerable time, are doing what they believe is good in accordance with their own beliefs.

But in general discourse, we should be trying to help people to realise that we live in an an increasingly pluralist society, and that we should try to mark important occasions in a way that everyone can feel included regardless of their beliefs.

Walter H Price

Michael Nugent wrote: »

But in general discourse, we should be trying to help people to realise that we live in an an increasingly pluralist society, and that we should try to mark important occasions in a way that everyone can feel included regardless of their beliefs.

Very hard to cater to everyone with a one size fits all event , when you have big numbers , like i would rater just go to a mass for tirty munite or a synagogue or whatever and sit out respectfully then end up in a pub for a few hours , what about doing food instead in restraute with no vegitarian option could veggies and vegans skip that ?

I do think your right though socioetys views on religion are definitly changing the majority at this stage are cultural catholics very few true believers actually left at this stage among the under 50's age group as far as i can see in Dublin anyway , so i think in time the social preassure to go to religious events will reduce signifigantly. 6 weddings in our office in the next 12 months only 1 is in the church 4 humanist ceremony's incl my own and 1 in registry office, tells allot in and of itself

Michael Nugent

Well, you could invite people by saying that there will be a Mass in X Church for those who wish to attend a religious service, followed by soup and sandwiches and sharing of memories in Y Hotel for everyone.

Qs

Qs wrote: »

I've certainly never experienced that. I know when my grandparents died my parents and their siblings just appreciated anyone who made an appearance at all over the couple of days. People have work etc too and can't always find the time for every part of it.

Walter H Price wrote: »

id agree ive never really seen that once or twice i've had to to that because i couldnt make it to the funeal on time from work or that and ive either made it to the church right at the end or just gone strait to wherever the tea and sandwichs is on to pay my respects there.

I don't see anything wrong with the above for a funeral, people have things on and often only do make it to the church after the removal to pay their respects or whatever, though I would see it as unusual to show up where the drinks and food are being had to pay respects as it tends to just be family and close friends that go to this part.

Its very different at an anniversary mass though, their may not even be refreshments after it and if there are they are put on for those who attend the mass.

Michael Nugent wrote: »

Well, you could invite people by saying that there will be a Mass in X Church for those who wish to attend a religious service, followed by soup and sandwiches and sharing of memories in Y Hotel for everyone.

Refreshments after are usually only for close friends and family and they are just something for after the mass. The mass is the main event so you aren't going to go inviting people who didn't go to the mass to the refreshments put on for the people who went to the mass, also these after events are never announced until the mass and usually someone specifically asks you rather than an open invite. My opinion on it would be go to the mass and the refreshments after (you might not even be invited to this part if you aren't close friends or family) or else don't go at all.

Exceptions to this would be family who simply couldn't make the mass for what ever reason and could only catch up after, but its very different when its a family member with a good reason for missing the mass rather than just not showing up out of stubbornness and a desire to show everyone you are an atheist.

Walter H Price

Harmony Many Bank wrote: »

I don't see anything wrong with the above for a funeral, people have things on and often only do make it to the church after the removal to pay their respects or whatever, though I would see it as unusual to show up where the drinks and food are being had to pay respects as it tends to just be family and close friends that go to this part.

Its very different at an anniversary mass though, their may not even be refreshments after it and if there are they are put on for those who attend the mass.

Refreshments after are usually only for close friends and family and they are just something for after the mass. The mass is the main event so you aren't going to go inviting people who didn't go to the mass to the refreshments put on for the people who went to the mass, also these after events are never announced until the mass and usually someone specifically asks you rather than an open invite. My opinion on it would be go to the mass and the refreshments after (you might not even be invited to this part if you aren't close friends or family) or else don't go at all.

TBH i would only ever go to the funerals of Close friends (their immediate family) or my own immediate family and my grandparents siblings mostly to support my grandparents. The whole community turning out for random funerals thing dos't really happen in Dublin at all tbh there is no community hahahaha i do get what yoor saying about down the country thpough because my OH is from kildare gets invited to funerals and anniverserys etc of all sorts of random ppl

meeeeh

Are there actual invitations for that sort of stuff or is just the mass announced and people show up if they know it's happening? And nobody is expected to show up but sometimes it is noticed if they don't.

Walter H Price

Walter H Price wrote: »

TBH i would only ever go to the funerals of Close friends (their immediate family) or my own immediate family and my grandparents siblings mostly to support my grandparents. The whole community turning out for random funerals thing dos't really happen in Dublin at all tbh there is no community hahahaha i do get what yoor saying about down the country thpough because my OH is from kildare gets invited to funerals and anniverserys etc of all sorts of random ppl

Fair enough, I am talking from a rural perspective where in general any funeral where you know anyone in the family at all you would attend or just if they are local etc. I've been to many many funerals where I never met the person who died but you go for the family or to show support for the person you know who lost someone.

I have no experience of Dublin but in Cork and Galway cities its similar to the country where you would go to funerals if you knew anyone in the family etc, funerals in a work colleagues family etc etc.

meeeeh wrote: »

Are there actual invitations for that sort of stuff or is just the mass announced and people show up if they know it's happening? And nobody is expected to show up but sometimes it is noticed if they don't.

Announced in mass and in the local news letter. Family would be told about it if they aren't living in the area and word would be spread around also in general by word of mouth but no there would be nothing like an invite.

pilly

Harmony Many Bank wrote: »

Fair enough, I am talking from a rural perspective where in general any funeral where you know anyone in the family at all you would attend. I've been to many many funerals where I never met the person who died but you go for the family or to show support for the person you know who lost someone.

I have no experience of Dublin but in Cork and Galway cities its similar to the country where you would go to funerals if you knew anyone in the family etc, funerals in a work colleagues family etc etc.

In Dublin if you didn't know the deceased you would attend the removal (evening mass) but nowadays a lot of people aren't having an evening mass but keeping their love one at home and straight to a funeral. It would be quite unusual to attend the whole funeral of someone you didn't know and to be honest I prefer it that way. I think huge funerals can be so overwhelming for the family of the deceased sometimes and just a day out for people who don't know the deceased.

pilly

I have had bitter experience of this kind of stuff after moving from Dublin to a rural setting. My neighbours mother died and was waked in the house and buried the following day. I didn't feel it appropriate to attend the house as I had never met the deceased and was in work the next day so couldn't attend the funeral. I did give her a card and flowers but she still hasn't spoken to me to this day.

However, we weren't close friends or anything and if that's how judgemental someone is I tend to think "ah well" and move on.

Walter H Price

Harmony Many Bank wrote: »

Fair enough, I am talking from a rural perspective where in general any funeral where you know anyone in the family at all you would attend or just if they are local etc. I've been to many many funerals where I never met the person who died but you go for the family or to show support for the person you know who lost someone.

I have no experience of Dublin but in Cork and Galway cities its similar to the country where you would go to funerals if you knew anyone in the family etc, funerals in a work colleagues family etc etc.

Yeh not my experience in Dublin anyway , work colleague yes but only if its actually somone in your own team and its their immediate family (brother sister mother father wife husband child etc) and only to the church not the graveyard or afters. the most removed i've ever been id say is maybe a friend granparent but no i wouldn't know anyone living around us really so if somone in their family or they themself died you probably wouldn't even know tbh and therd be no expection that youd go because no one really know you either.

but if it was a mates anniversery i would make the effort to just go and if i couldnt make it i would probibly go to the refresments to pay respects if i knew their family like. i would imagine if you barely knew the person but still showed up for the sambo thtd be a bit cheeky like

beach_walker

Rocking up to the afters of an anniversary Mass without attending the ceremony... no, just no.

Harmony Many Bank wrote: »

Announced in mass and in the local news letter.

And the number one carrot I've used in getting the elderly online, rip.ie

recedite

beach_walker wrote: »

Rocking up to the afters of an anniversary Mass without attending the ceremony... no, just no.

You don't get to judge. You can make snide comments, but you have no right to stop the friends and family from attending a "do" just because they haven't attended some mumbo jumbo religious event earlier.

recedite

Harmony Many Bank wrote: »

Refreshments after are usually only for close friends and family and they are just something for after the mass. The mass is the main event so you aren't going to go inviting people who didn't go to the mass to the refreshments put on for the people who went to the mass..

We have to move away from this kind of nonsensical thinking as a society. Refreshments are "for close friends and family" yes. That's because they are usually paid for by the family, so they may keep the exact time and place a little bit secret. But if its in a pub or a hotel, its usually OK to show up without getting the nod if you are buying your own food and drink.
So its not a reward for attending the mass.