Struggling Alcoholic need to get this off my chest

TonyHolland

I don't really know why I'm writing this but I feel that some people should know this.

I'm an alcoholic and I'm struggling to beat the bottle.

My family and partner don't know that I drink. I drink behind their back. I said to myself on the 08 Sept that I was done drinking and going to try to take a year off. I quit working full-time because of my addiction issues and do contract work instead. I've worked casually this last year and have just subsisted on my earnings when I could have worked a lot more.

I feel extreme guilt that I have been in denial for so long about this. I told my partner I wouldn't drink in front of her last year and I broke that promise a few months ago- I was ok around her under the influence but I still broke a promise.

Several times this year I went a month or more without drinking by I've really struggled with sobriety.

I'm trying to do this on my own. I haven't sought help for my addictions as I believe that I can do a hell of a lot better than what I have been doing.

Every time I drink I get pain in my liver; I'm actually scared and embarrassed to go see my GP as I don't want people to know that I drink.

I have morphed into this clandestine alcoholic. I wanted to give up because I have in the past become dangerous, destructive and unpredictable. I feel my partner and family deserve more and I feel by writing this, I can get this off my chest for now.

I would love to stay sober for the month of October and hopefully progress from there. I have never gone more than 31 days without alcohol in 12 years but I'm really want to end this addiction and stop this once and for all.

Thanks for reading.

peckerhead

TonyHolland wrote: »

I'm trying to do this on my own. I haven't sought help for my addictions as I believe that I can do a hell of a lot better than what I have been doing.

That's what I did for a long time, Tony. Until circumstances forced me to admit that the experiment was not going to work no matter how long/how many times I repeated it.

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, but of courage and honesty.

intheclouds

TonyHolland wrote: »

My family and partner don't know that I drink.

They do know. You might think you are hiding it but they more than likely know. Even if they dont know details they know something is not quite right.

TonyHolland wrote: »

I'm trying to do this on my own. I haven't sought help for my addictions as I believe that I can do a hell of a lot better than what I have been doing.

If you had cancer do you think you would do better keeping it a secret or by telling friends and family and getting support?

Its actually easier to fail when you keep it to yourself, we lie to ourselves much easier than we lie to others!

Theres absolutely no need to feel any shame seeking help, that is the opposite of a shameful act!

Best of luck.

TonyHolland

Thanks for the replies. I feel if I can't get through this coming October than I will go down the avenue of external support. I think its worth one more go at least before I go down that route.

It is difficult though. Addiction is a struggle. I feel like posting on here is doing something different at the least. I've watched a lot of videos on youtube of recovering alcoholics and their journey; a lot of if has been Americans and I appreciate what they have shared, but hearing the perspective of Irish people is equally important to me.

And old drinking buddy of my decided to go sober this year and is 9 months sober, I meet with him occasionally. He's an encouraging presence.

Thanks lads

Pippa_Pipsy

TonyHolland wrote: »

I don't really know why I'm writing this but I feel that some people should know this.

I'm an alcoholic and I'm struggling to beat the bottle.

My family and partner don't know that I drink. I drink behind their back. I said to myself on the 08 Sept that I was done drinking and going to try to take a year off. I quit working full-time because of my addiction issues and do contract work instead. I've worked casually this last year and have just subsisted on my earnings when I could have worked a lot more.

I feel extreme guilt that I have been in denial for so long about this. I told my partner I wouldn't drink in front of her last year and I broke that promise a few months ago- I was ok around her under the influence but I still broke a promise.

Several times this year I went a month or more without drinking by I've really struggled with sobriety.

I'm trying to do this on my own. I haven't sought help for my addictions as I believe that I can do a hell of a lot better than what I have been doing.

Every time I drink I get pain in my liver; I'm actually scared and embarrassed to go see my GP as I don't want people to know that I drink.

I have morphed into this clandestine alcoholic. I wanted to give up because I have in the past become dangerous, destructive and unpredictable. I feel my partner and family deserve more and I feel by writing this, I can get this off my chest for now.

I would love to stay sober for the month of October and hopefully progress from there. I have never gone more than 31 days without alcohol in 12 years but I'm really want to end this addiction and stop this once and for all.

Thanks for reading.

They more than likely do know TBH, she can see it in your eyes, smell if off you or just know that you are drinking. In my opinion your after taking a great move in writing this. This can be the first step forward for you. Ask yourself a questions

A) would your partner be more pissed off if she found out that you were drinking behind or back or if you got her to sit down and read what you posted. I would imagine it would be the first one. She will be hurt/mad etc but if you have the necessary steps in mind and she can see what they mean to you I am sure she will be supportive.

The only thing you should do is go to a GP. He/She can advise you best, don't be embarrassed I would imagine they see this a lot.

Burying your head in the sand and leaving the month slip on will only make you riddled with guilt, possibility damage your family and have serious risks on your health. Ring the Doc today and make an appointment. When that is done tell your partner.

intheclouds

TonyHolland wrote: »

Thanks for the replies. I feel if I can't get through this coming October than I will go down the avenue of external support. I think its worth one more go at least before I go down that route.

I think you are only setting yourself up for failure to try the same old thing that hasnt worked before again.

Why not just seek help? Its not like anything bad will come out of it - but maybe something brilliant will come out of it?

bobbysands81

Why are you waiting to get support? Just go get it now. Procrastinating and addiction go hand in hand as often the addict doesn't want to give up their addiction they just want things to get better.

It seems that you have structured a lot of your life around alcohol, there is a lot that you might need to unravel. I'm not saying you can't do it on your own but I am saying that if you're serious go seek professional help today.

Every journey starts with one step, if you want to take that step you can do so right now. Only you can change your life and if you change nothing, nothing changes.

Go see your GP now and tell them absolutely everything. I guarantee you you will feel a different person tonight if you do that today.

Time to take back control of your life... but only if you really want to.

ruthy_2504

Having lived through the experience of a family member with addiction, I can assure you that your family know. They may not be able to pinpoint what is the tell tale sign, but they will have learned to recognise minute changes in your appearance and/or behaviours.

In order to give yourself the best chance of beating it, you are going to need a support network. Start with your partner, sit them down and talk. Do not think it is a sign of weakness, in fact it will probably be admired that you are acknowledging your problem and want to work on it. After that, find a local AA group and go, surround yourself with positive people who know what you are going through and will want to help. You've got a very good starting point that you have a friend already, but you will need all the help you can get.

Take the bull by the horns and do it. What do you have to lose at this point? I wish you all the best, as it not an easy road to travel, but can be very rewarding

The flying mouse

Well Tonyholland you have got some great advise above, now is the time to take a second step as you took the first in writing OP.Good luck and keep sharing here in what your going through as we can all sure relate, You are certainly not alone.

bobbysands81

Well Tony, would love to hear some update even if it's to say that you've not done anything yet.

Let us know what's happening.

Water John

A phone call to Sr Consilio will be set you on the road. They will not judge you in any way. Athy Co Kildare, 059 8631090 / 059 8631493.
The load will be a lot lighter.
Best wishes.

Dave!

Hope this is going okay for you Tony, and that you sought some help.

Chopinlist66

Hi Tony,
Like yourself, I too am going through pretty much the same thing, different stage set, same issues.
I have two teenage children, one autistic and my husband is recovering from cancer. I have been so badly bullied at work over an extended period of time, as also has my husband. I completely get you, wanting to give it one last shot, before you see GP or counsellor, etc. I did go to my GP, and received some librium, but I started drinking again, my usual bottle of wine every single night, sometimes two. I hit rock bottom last night, when my hubbie confided that the xxxt was hitting the fan again at work. I did something I very much regret, and wrote, under the influence, a stinker of an email to my husband's boss. I could have caused a serious issue, but following receipt of the email, the boss called him in 'to sort out any misunderstandings', but I feel like a right cnut having sent it, and I feel deeply ashamed and embarrassed. I now know that I must see someone again This was done after a bottle of wine and three cans of beer. However, my anger was extreme, and I felt an overpowering urge to protect my family. However, this was not the way to go about it. i feel something really awful is going to happen if I don't quit I have a problem, this demon lets us think we might be okay, and we can control it, but it creeps up again like a thief in the night. As for the pain in your liver, well it might not be that at all. I had similar, but turned out to be gall bladder issues. That said, i have very highly elevated liver enzymes, denoting that my liver is not a happy camper.
Once again, I have decided to steer clear, but this demon will say 'Ah sure one won't hurt!' It will wreak havoc unless dealt with. I will let you know each evening, how I am progressing, and I hope you're doing okay. I have had no alcohol tonight. I cannot go more than four days without a drink. I am really going to think of those I love, and focus on doing better for them, I love my family so much, and I do not want to cause any more pain. This is really hell, let's help each other out of it.

The flying mouse

Choppinlist66 I am sure many of us here can relate to your story,You won't beat this by yourself you need to take serious steps to help yourself, try contacting some/any of the major support organisations that are out there,There are some on the sticky thread at the top of this forum.

Quitting drinking is only part of the process we have a load more of vacant voids to fill in, which is harder than one thinks.goodluck and keep on posting.

Chopinlist66

Thanks flying mouse.
Had a good night last night. Cleaned the house, organised stuff/clothes for everyone, and feeling great today.
NO WINE TONIGHT. I am going to post here everyday, be it bad or good. I will be completely honest. In work until late, that is when 9 )' Clock becomes wine O' clock. Not tonight. Have also joined WW, so hopefully this should be enough to pull me back from the brink of self-destruction.
Tony, hope you are doing well. Please keep on posting.
Chopinlist66

Fingers Mcginty

The flying mouse wrote: »

Quitting drinking is only part of the process we have a load more of vacant voids to fill in, which is harder than one thinks.

That's a very valid point. Many of us self medicate with alcohol to numb some kind of emotional pain. It's still there unfortunately when we stop using and needs to be addressed. I'm not really one who should be giving advice though. I've been self medicating since I was a kid and am only 12 days on the wagon.
Things are getting better though.

aabarnes1

TonyHolland wrote: »

I don't really know why I'm writing this but I feel that some people should know this.

I'm an alcoholic and I'm struggling to beat the bottle.

My family and partner don't know that I drink. I drink behind their back. I said to myself on the 08 Sept that I was done drinking and going to try to take a year off. I quit working full-time because of my addiction issues and do contract work instead. I've worked casually this last year and have just subsisted on my earnings when I could have worked a lot more.

I feel extreme guilt that I have been in denial for so long about this. I told my partner I wouldn't drink in front of her last year and I broke that promise a few months ago- I was ok around her under the influence but I still broke a promise

Several times this year I went a month or more without drinking by I've really struggled with sobriety.

I'm trying to do this on my own. I haven't sought help for my addictions as I believe that I can do a hell of a lot better than what I have been doing.

Every time I drink I get pain in my liver; I'm actually scared and embarrassed to go see my GP as I don't want people to know that I drink.

I have morphed into this clandestine alcoholic. I wanted to give up because I have in the past become dangerous, destructive and unpredictable. I feel my partner and family deserve more and I feel by writing this, I can get this off my chest for now.

I would love to stay sober for the month of October and hopefully progress from there. I have never gone more than 31 days without alcohol in 12 years but I'm really want to end this addiction and stop this once and for all.

Thanks for reading.

Hi Tony,
I tried many different methods to beat the bottle, over the years, I mean everything.
The only thing that worked, or should I say works for me on a daily basis, is AA meetings, a sponsor and complete acceptance of my powerlessness over alcohol.