Impartial - Honest - Advice Please

njs030

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

He said he seen me on Tinder and realised that he had to do something before he lost me for good!

however it seems that he is more concerned about me meeting someone else than he is about us??

If he saw you on tinder then he is on it himself so he's moved on and is actively looking to meet someone else, he wants you sitting waiting for him.
How much more proof do you need that this man is incredibly self centred?

Aseth

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

Update from OP ....
on Thursday I embraced the Tinder generation- interesting experience... however, on Friday evening my ex called me to ask me why I was on Tinder and if I was moving on ?

He is serious head-wrecker, don't waste any more time on him. Find someone who will respect you and will not mess wth your feelings.
Block him on social media and on the phone so he has nomeans to contact you.

batmanrobin

So he chased you for a year and then finally got you, ye dated, it didn't work out, ye broke up. You then, numerous times, told him you loved him and wanted to make it work, all of which was met with head melting nonsense.

You finally decide to move on and join tinder (which he is obviously on to say he saw you on it) and it's only then that he pulls the finger out and gets in touch with you?

Why have you not blocked him? Seriously, job number one for you! Block him on everything!

OP, the only thing he cares about is the fact that you're not going to be mooning around after him and stroking his ego. He doesn't actually care about you. He doesn't want to be with you. What people like him want is to continue to keep you dangling, to keep you as the backup until THEY decide they're fully done. Even then they tend to keep some form of contact just in case. And by just in case, I mean just in case they feel like getting an ego boost.

Stop entertaining him, block him and move on. He had ample chances all of which he blew. You need to know when enough is enough.

P.S. enough was months ago.

Ursus Horribilis

Sigh. I think we know what's going to happen here, don't we? You'll get back in touch with him because that's exactly what you wanted. Tinder proved to be the way to unwittingly do it. Rinse, repeat, rewind. Hopefully when this bout ends you'll be a bit wiser than you are now. It's an itch you have to scratch, isn't it?

Big Bag of Chips

OP, you're weak. And he knows you're weak. And he knows how to manipulate you.

You need to be strong now. Stop thinking of the good times. Read back over your first post and highlight all the ways he treated you very badly. You joined Tinder and within hours he was suddenly contacting you!! All those times he couldn't talk, told you not to contact him, etc, and now when he realises his little lap dog isn't going to be chasing him anymore he's suddenly not quite so busy?

I will offer you only one piece of advice. I hope you take it, but I fear you won't. Use his exact words back to him "don't you ever contact me again". And then block every avenue he has of contacting you. He doesn't want you. But he doesn't want you not wanting him.

Edit: He didn't just treat you badly during the break up. He treated you badly before that too. He seems to have forgotten that (and so do you). Do yourself a favour and move on. This won't last. So if you "get back with him" you'll be going through all this again in a few weeks. I wouldn't even give it a month.

Scarinae

He doesn't want you, but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either because he enjoys the attention and the ego boost. You broke up over nine months ago and it sounds like you've spent most of that time in emotional pain, hoping you'll get back together while he throws enough crumbs at you to keep you hanging.

Take back control - if you have a smartphone block his number, and block him on social media. Do stuff YOU enjoy, get to know yourself and build your self-esteem back up, and when you're ready to date again go and find someone who deserves you x

Yellow pack crisps

You remind me of that song 'chasing rainbows' you will always be chasing him even if you get back together. Maybe you like being undervalued.

mapaca

I've read your update and my advice is still the same: cut contact and move on. He doesn't want you back, he just wants to keep you dangling. He was on Tinder looking for someone else instead of picking up the phone to call you.

Don't give him another chance to reject you and hurt you again.

Big Bag of Chips

I have a feeling that despite what family and friends tell you, despite what advice you get here, you still want there to be something between you. So you will go looking for it. You will allow him the chance to treat you badly again. For whatever reason you can't let this one go. And the only way this will properly end is when he does it (again) and tells you to stay away from him.

The tone of your posts is one of desperation. You are desperate for this to have a happy ending. You are desperate for him to want to live happily ever after with you.

I can guarantee you one of two things will happen here. If you tell him that you wish to move on and don't want to be in contact with him, his pleas of wanting to make it up to you will very quickly turn to nasty jibes at you. Very very quickly. And you will be hurt.

Or if you agree to give it another go he will soon revert to type and leave you again. And you will be hurt.

Either way, having further dealings with this fella is only going to end up with you being hurt. Your family know it. Everyone here knows it. You even know it yourself but you can't help thinking 'maybe this time is different'. If this time was going to be different he'd have been chasing you even before you got home from Germany. But first you heard from him was while he was on Tinder... And he wasn't on Tinder looking for you!!!!

I think the advice everyone you know, and don't know, is offering you is falling on deaf ears and you will give it a go anyway. But you'll never be happy. You'll always be on edge not wanting to do or say something that might upset him. You will not be an equal in this relationship, because he will have all the power and you will put up with whatever he does because you won't want to lose face and admit to your family and friends that it's not working (again). I hope you have more sense than that, but the impression I'm getting is if even one person says you should give it another go you will only hear that voice and not every other voice that is screaming at you to have more respect for yourself.

beks101

Ah god OP. Life isn't supposed to be this hard. Relationships aren't supposed to be this hard.

My boyfriend would rather die than to cause me this kind of pain. He'd rather chop off his own arm. We fight like cats and dogs sometimes and I can be a bloody nightmare as can he but he'd never let me feel so worthless, so used and so unloved as this fella has, he'd put any argument to right by apologising when it's not his fault or telling me he loves me or just sitting with me until we had figured things out.

Let alone leave me hanging for nine months, hostility and silent treatment and then "I love you"s when it suited him, when the attention had dried up and it looked like I was about to get back up on my feet. That is selfish, heartless manipulation in its purest form. I wouldn't treat me dog like that. I wouldn't treat someone I'd been on one date with like that. It is inhumane and it breeds nothing but the misery and pain and poor self esteem that you are dealing with.

Sometimes relationships are a head-and-heart divide, and your head is telling you things your heart refuses to hear. This is one of those times where you have to follow your head - because your heart is misguiding you. Your love is misguided, it is wasted on the wrong person, it will never be reciprocated and it will wound you to your core as this fella continues to use you as a prop to his own ego. In years to come you'll look back and see none of the truly kind, caring, nurturing behaviour that exists between two people who love each other at all. You'll just see a selfish, weak man-child and a girl who was hurting to her core.

You are worth so, so much more than him. Your family knows it, your friends know it, strangers off the internet know it. Be strong and block him out of your life in every possible way. Pour all that hard work you're capable of into moving on and not succumbing to his childish whims. It will be the best thing you ever do for yourself.

Merkin

I think you're ultimately looking for someone, anyone to reply to this thread and say he obviously cares about you and that you should go for it. That's your ultimate objective from the thread isn't it?

ALL of these people saying he couldn't give a fig about you and is only doing this because he'd miss your adoration and pleading can't be wrong surely? He's a typical user and his most recent contact is to test you and make sure you don't deviate from your devotion to him. He sounds like a card carrying knob TBH so I can't fathom why yoU'd even waste a moment more on someone who clearly thinks so little of you.

Why don't you garner a little self respect? If you take control of this sorry situation once and for all it will empower you. Tell him you have moved on and that you don't wish to hear from him ever again and then block him from making any kind of contact of again. I also think you need to delete your Tinder profile as you have a lot of work to do on yourself and you're in no headspace to be involved with anyone currently.

Magicmatilda

Magicmatilda wrote: »

He sounds horrible, though I'm sure he is very charming..

What should you do, well here is my advice:

1. Make a commitment to yourself to value yourself
2. Based on that commitment, decide never to contact him again. Seriously what does he have to do for you to walk away, he has treated you awfully and you are still telling him you love him? Don't say goodbye or try to get closure, The only closure you need is to accept that he is an a**hole and you deserve better and won't be treated like that anymore
3.. Delete all contact details for him, FB, email, phone, instagram, snapchat, everything
4. Go for therapy - tell your new therapist you are there to explore your low self esteem and explain how you have let this man treat you.
5. Have you friends? Go out with them, have fun, enjoy yourself
6. Book a holiday, break away, something to look forward to
7. Start a hobby, gym, hiking, playing piano, kitesurfing, whatever, try everything
8. When he contacts you, and I suspect he will (when he wants an ego boost) Ignore him. Do not respond.

Ultimately learn from this experience and make sure you never let anyone make you feel like you are worth less that you are. Like you deserve less than the best. That is what you have let him do. That he has treated you so badly is all on him. That you continually allowed him to is all on you, but thankfully you can change that, right this very moment.

You are not the only person to allow this to happen, many of us do, the trick is to learn the lesson..

There are much, much, nicer, sweeter, more caring and kind men out there than this one. Once you have done all the above, go find one of them.

Number 8 came along a lot quicker than I expected. Interesting that you didn't feel the need to ask nor he didn't feel the need to explain what he was doing on Tinder.

Didn't want to lose you my eye.

He was on Tinder looking for other women. Be that for a shag or an emotional connection, does it matter? He could have chosen you and he did not. I am sorry because I know that sounds harsh but it is the facts. That he did not choose you is not your fault, it is not because you are too ugly or too fat or too clingy or too anything else. Maybe he is incapable of commitment, Maybe he is a sex addict, maybe he is a narcissist, maybe he is just a d*ck. Does it matter? He cannot give you what you need or deserve which would be fine, what is not fine is that he keeps reeling you in for his own amusement. That is cruel.

He does not value you. But you can choose to value you.

Block him on everything, find out how to block him on your phone if you do not know. If you can't figure it out, change his name to "DO NOT ANSWER" or "DO I VALUE MYSELF?" might prompt you to ignore him.