Christmas Issues

retro:electro

This thread is actually melting my head now.
1. YOU changed the plans not her. So stop saying she changed them at the drop of a hat.
2. She is saying she will leave at 1pm on Xmas eve and come home early on Steven's Day; what more do you want? Why are you still not happy?
3. You are going on holiday with the girl a week later. There is no need for you to be sulking over the sake of about 6hrs together.

Sinall

Crikey, OP. If she does what you want you'll forget all about her wanting to do something else. But if she doesn't do what you want you won't be happy.

That's VERY controlling. It's not physically controlling but there's a multitude of other ways you can control someone - through your moods, through how you make them feel, through your behaviour.

Make no mistake, you are doing that here. I was with someone very like you for a very long time. I kept telling myself: "It's okay - he's just like that because he's insecure. He's just sulking because he gets anxious." But eventually it came to a point where there was just one sulk too many and I knew I couldn't bear it any more.

Please listen to what you're being told here. It's not a character assassination; it's good advice.

leggo

OP keep in mind that I'm one of the few who agreed with you slightly here that she did take the piss with how she handled it, but still your responses since have revealed more about your attitude and THAT'S become the problem. I've no interest in character assassination, I don't know you from Adam and how your relationship goes doesn't affect me one bit, but you came on here looking for advice and are throwing your toys out of the pram now you're not hearing what you want to hear.

Are you completely sure your therapist agreed with you? Because that doesn't sound like what therapists do, their job is to let you reflect back your feelings and figure it out for yourself, they aren't supposed to editorialise.

I think you just see and hear what you want to suit your feelings. Fine. Be like that. And live with the consequences. But don't say you've never been told.

Big Bag of Chips

Walter H Price wrote: »

il be a bit dissappointed and kinda hurt that our plans and only bit of Christmas meant less to her then whatever ever her ma and sister want to do.

If it was next year, and you were married, and you weren't going to your parents' house anyway, then I'd say you have a point. For now, you're not married, you are going to your parents - to spend quality time with your nan, in the circumstances - so she's going home to spend quality time helping her family with whatever they need help with... Which will be a lot of they are expecting loads of people.

I've done all I can to support you on this OP. But now I'm on your gf's side.

Edit: my husband suffers with depression and anxiety. And while he doesn't physically control me in any way, there are lots of things I won't do, or have given up doing, or am nervous about bringing up with him because of how it makes him feel! My feelings almost always come second to him. I don't mind, mostly. But sometimes I'd like to be only able to consider what I'd like to do and be able to do it without worrying about someone else. He doesn't mean it, he can't help it, but it is about keeping him 'level' and ok, and not stressing him too much. Regardless of me.

Being the partner of someone with anxiety is a tough place to be. Just sayin'.

Sinall

Walter H Price wrote: »

No not at all how it went and i'm not a controlling person but if you've decide i am cool go you.

I told i wasn't happy to change plans we'd made , i was pretty clear about that but i told her it was her call , she'll be disappointing someone either way up to her like.

If she stays happy days if she goes i wont be happy about it why would i , but i'm not going to hold some sort of grudge against her il be a bit dissappointed and kinda hurt that our plans and only bit of Christmas meant less to her then whatever ever her ma and sister want to do.

What SHE wants to do, OP. She's doing what she wants to do herself. And given you are going away together just before and just after Christmas I wouldn't begrudge her this.

You said in a previous post that if she decides to spend the extra time with you then you'll 'forget' about her wanting to do something different. But if she decides to spend the extra time with her family you won't be happy. She's between a rock and a hard place now. I don't envy her. I've been there and it's horrible.

Walter H Price

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

So if she stays, you'll do what you had planned anyway.. as in stay together? You won't go to your mam's?

So if she goes you'll be angry, but if she stays it'll be all forgotten about? OP, I really am doing my best to help you here but you are not helping yourself. You are stressing yourself and her out over a few hours. What if your nan dies next year and this ends up being your last Christmas with her? You're staying to spend more time with your nan. So use the opportunity to spend more time with your nan. Yes, your parents' house might be miserable at Christmas but if you're there to be there for your nan then you will put up with a couple of days, probably only 48 hours, 12 of which you'll probably be asleep, to spend time with your nan

You're stressing yourself out, and your gf.

Jesus christ this thread is circling the drain at this stage.

no if she stays we will do what we planned a few weeks ago when we agreed to put the Kittens in , not back to what we agreed last January. I will see my nan all three of those days i will make sure to really really enjoy my time with her regardless how much my parents and sister aren't into Christmas i have made the decision that i will make the absolute most of it this year.

All i wanted was a few hours to enjoy a small bit of it with my Faience too like we had agreed and was planned all the way up to Saturday , to do presents etc... like any normal couple, i know none of my mates in long term relationships who wont see their OH for the full 3 days over Christmas.

I'm not stressed about this not even in the slightest , a bit disappointed yes , a small bit hurt yes and i was angry but to be honest not even really anymore.

retro:electro

Walter H Price wrote: »

Jesus christ this thread is circling the drain at this stage.

no if she stays we will do what we planned a few weeks ago when we agreed to put the Kittens in , not back to what we agreed last January. I will see my nan all three of those days i will make sure to really really enjoy my time with her regardless how much my parents and sister aren't into Christmas i have made the decision that i will make the absolute most of it this year.

All i wanted was a few hours to enjoy a small bit of it with my Faience too like we had agreed and was planned all the way up to Saturday , to do presents etc... like any normal couple, i know none of my mates in long term relationships who wont see their OH for the full 3 days over Christmas.

I'm not stressed about this not even in the slightest , a bit disappointed yes , a small bit hurt yes and i was angry but to be honest not even really anymore.

You're more than stressed, you're completely obsessed. And if you've worn your fiancé down half as much as the posters feel on here then I really feel sorry for her. Nothing worse than having to give in to someone over sheer upset and frustration.

Ursus Horribilis

This is such a big hoo-ha about nothing. Can nobody change their plans in this relationship without it turning into some sort of competition or battle of wills? It's only right that you spend time with your nan because of her dementia. But equally, why can't your fiancée spend time with her family who she is close to. You are coming across as excessively needy. Can you not survive a few short days without her?

Big Bag of Chips

Walter H Price wrote: »

I'm not stressed about this not even in the slightest , a bit disappointed yes , a small bit hurt yes and i was angry but to be honest not even really anymore.

You're angry about it. That can be compared to stressed.

And she most certainly will be stressed about it. I don't know if you've read my edit above about living with someone with anxiety, but it might be worth a look for you.

Walter H Price

Sinall wrote: »

What SHE wants to do, OP. She's doing what she wants to do herself. And given you are going away together just before and just after Christmas I wouldn't begrudge her this.

You said in a previous post that if she decides to spend the extra time with you then you'll 'forget' about her wanting to do something different. But if she decides to spend the extra time with her family you won't be happy. She's between a rock and a hard place now. I don't envy her. I've been there and it's horrible.

and i didn't put her there , we had made plans like every couple do im not talking about last January now im taking about a few weeks back when we agreed our plan for Christmas eve. Why should i be jumping for joy that she's decided to change those plans on a whim ?

I've been there too made plans had an other offer come along you have to accept your gonna let someone down.

I'm failing to see your point here at all , she'll make he call i'll be dissapointed if she dosn't stay given i was really looking forward to it , whats not normal there ?

retro:electro

Walter H Price wrote: »

and i didn't put her there , we had made plans like every couple do im not talking about last January now im taking about a few weeks back when we agreed our plan for Christmas eve. Why should i be jumping for joy that she's decided to change those plans on a whim ?

I've been there too made plans had an other offer come along you have to accept your gonna let someone down.

I'm failing to see your point here at all , she'll make he call i'll be dissapointed if she dosn't stay given i was really looking forward to it , whats not normal there ?

You've ignored me the last few times I've asked this question, so I'll ask it again.
She is willing to leave at 1pm on Xmas eve and come back early for you on Steven's Day like you have asked her to. Why are you still not happy?

Sinall

Walter H Price wrote: »

and i didn't put her there , we had made plans like every couple do im not talking about last January now im taking about a few weeks back when we agreed our plan for Christmas eve. Why should i be jumping for joy that she's decided to change those plans on a whim ?

I've been there too made plans had an other offer come along you have to accept your gonna let someone down.

I'm failing to see your point here at all , she'll make he call i'll be dissapointed if she dosn't stay given i was really looking forward to it , whats not normal there ?

You're putting her there when you say you'll be grand if she does what you want, but you won't be happy if goes with what she wants.

Everyone has the right to change their mind - multiple times! Things aren't set in stone. You changed your plans (for a very good reason) and she has changed her side of things (her reason is as valid).

What are you looking for from here? You seem determined not to listen to anything that's being said, except from the people who agree with you. Did you just want everyone to tell you that you were right....and then what?

The fact that you are absolutely determined not to consider that your own attitude might be causing problems is frightening. It's wilful blindness which is dangerous.

And you've LOADS of other plans - you're going away to Christmas markets together and then on another holiday just after Christmas. Surely you can spend quality time together, be romantic, look at Christmas lights and drink hot chocolate then?

Big Bag of Chips

Turn this into a positive. Use the extra time to spend extea time with your nan. You know, the reason the original plans changed?

Or do you just want to spend a token amount of time and do your 'duty' and then be gone?

You made plans, they're not going to work out, this year. So use that now to make other plans. Don't worry about other friend or other couples. They are irrelevant. They don't have a sick granny. Spend as much time as you can with your nan this year. She might not be at your wedding.

leggo

Walter H Price wrote: »

Jesus christ this thread is circling the drain at this stage.

no if she stays we will do what we planned a few weeks ago when we agreed to put the Kittens in , not back to what we agreed last January. I will see my nan all three of those days i will make sure to really really enjoy my time with her regardless how much my parents and sister aren't into Christmas i have made the decision that i will make the absolute most of it this year.

All i wanted was a few hours to enjoy a small bit of it with my Faience too like we had agreed and was planned all the way up to Saturday , to do presents etc... like any normal couple, i know none of my mates in long term relationships who wont see their OH for the full 3 days over Christmas.

I'm not stressed about this not even in the slightest , a bit disappointed yes , a small bit hurt yes and i was angry but to be honest not even really anymore.

But that hasn't worked out. Your granny's dementia has sadly meant that your plan is no longer workable and now totally unfair on your gf. You get to see your granny 3 days (and you're right for that, good on you)...but because your girlfriend lives further away, she won't get to see her family for 3 days now. So she has to sit at home alone or get public transport so you don't have to.

It sucks when plans for good Christmases get spoiled. I had the exact same attitude last year when I was in a relationship. Then my grandad got sick and passed away close to Christmas time and put a dampener on the whole thing. I made the best of it but tbh life happens sometimes and when circumstances aren't ideal you just have to write these off and hope for the best next year. It sucks but it's life.

Your girlfriend has a chance to still enjoy and have a happy Christmas because the circumstances don't affect her as they do you. Don't try take that away from her to accommodate these now-unworkable, idyllic plans you have. Just suck it up and forget about it and blame bad luck instead of her. Let her go off and be happy for her getting to have a good Christmas. In the future the two of you will have the great ones you're dreaming of.

Or you can just ruin it all by letting your own issues get the better of you now and cause her to question everything because you're being a bit clingy, manipulative and controlling.

Walter H Price

anna080 wrote: »

You're more than stressed, you're completely obsessed. And if you've worn your fiancé down half as much as the posters feel on here then I really feel sorry for her. Nothing worse than having to give in to someone over sheer upset and frustration.

Nope 100% disagree , it hasnt even been mentioned with my fiaence since Saturday , has not been brought up once .

Im not putting preassure on her she knows where am at it with it up to her what she chooses , i certainly wont be throwing it back in her face for forever and a day

retro:electro

Walter H Price wrote: »

Nope 100% disagree , it hasnt even been mentioned with my fiaence since Saturday , has not been brought up once .

Im not putting preassure on her she knows where am at it with it up to her what she chooses , i certainly wont be throwing it back in her face for forever and a day

You don't have to mention things outfight to feel there's something not right. Tension and passive aggressive atmosphere speaks volumes.

Big Bag of Chips

Just to give a little bit of perspective, especially with your wedding coming up and your nan being so ill.

A neighbour of ours dad died, suddenly and unexpectedly 2 days before her wedding day. Her wedding day that was only going to happen once in her entire life (Christmas happens every year). The morning her father was buried, they got married in the sacristy of the church, just the 2 immediate families and then went out to a full church for their father's funeral mass and burial.

That's plans changing. Everything changed for her that day. Everything. She had no wedding day. She had no function/meal/party. She didn't wear her wedding dress. Instead she stood beside her fathers grave wearing black.

Plans change. It happens. And you deal with it when it does. Life will always get in the way, especially when you factor in other people (your nan, her family). Plans change. And if plans changing cause you so much upset then you, and your wife to be are in for a very difficult life.

Idle Passerby

I can't help but suspect your not doing yourself any favours in the long run with making an issue of this.

If your fiance's family notice shes irritated when she gets home and she says something about the whining you were at over her wanting to spend 2 days at home over Christmas, they will end up thinking of you as the contrary, problem spouse.

Realistically, she is family orientated and this isn't going to suddenly cease once your married. You would really want to be building bridges with her family at this stage, not tearing them down.

Walter H Price

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Turn this into a positive. Use the extra time to spend extea time with your nan. You know, the reason the original plans changed?

Or do you just want to spend a token amount of time and do your 'duty' and then be gone?

You made plans, they're not going to work out, this year. So use that now to make other plans. Don't worry about other friend or other couples. They are irrelevant. They don't have a sick granny. Spend as much time as you can with your nan this year. She might not be at your wedding.

Straight up just <Mod Snip> for even suggesting that , i make a serious effort to spend allot of time with my nan all out of love and respect never duty , i believe that has come across in spades in this thread so genuinely <Mod Snip> for even suggesting that.

I gave up a christmas i was really really looking foward to or the first time in a very long time in order to make sure i get one last one with her and i will make every minute of it count believe me i will make it count. all i wanted was a small few hours to enjoy a little bit of christmas eve with my fience too.

I don't feel remotely bad for attacking the poster here i feel its a nasty post and well deserving if i'm infracted, banned or the thread closed i couldnt give two short ones , i feel that was a totaly out of line accusation.

retro:electro

Jesus Christ op no need to be so aggressive and nasty. I am bowing out of this thread because you've still not answered my one question that I've asked 3 times, but also you are just so unwilling to see that YOU ARE WRONG and are trying to exhaust everyone into agreeing with you. You have major issues and I'm glad to read you are seeing a therapist. I feel sorry for your fiancé marrying you. Good luck.

Meauldsegosha

Of you need to take a step back and calm down. You are making a mountain out of a molehill. It's a few hours in Christmas Eve. I don't believe your therapist agreed with your reaction and if they did you need to get a new one.

Big Bag of Chips

I'm sorry if I hit a nerve, but you can do both. Your gf will be there in the morning and Stephens Evening..... And every Christmas for the rest of your married lives. Your nan might not be here. So appreciate the extra time you are getting with her.

You will only not see your girlfriend on Christmas Day. You are going away together for a week a few days later.

pookie82

Walter H Price wrote: »

Straight up just <Mod Snip> for even suggesting that , i make a serious effort to spend allot of time with my nan all out of love and respect never duty , i believe that has come across in spades in this thread so genuinely <Mod Snip> for even suggesting that.

Yeah, you need to see your therapist again. Seriously.

There is soooo much more going on here than just a bit of upset over Christmas. Your spiraling anxiety and anger are alarming tbh.

Ursus Horribilis

anna080 wrote: »

You've ignored me the last few times I've asked this question, so I'll ask it again.
She is willing to leave at 1pm on Xmas eve and come back early for you on Steven's Day like you have asked her to. Why are you still not happy?

If it was me, I'd be seething. Sure she'll hardly have any time at home at all with her family because of your passive aggressiveness and neediness. She'll be hardly at home when she has to turn around and go back to Dublin.

Taltos

Mod Note
And with that latest reply from the OP we're done.
OP - if you react this way to faceless advice online then maybe you need to look a bit deeper and even seek help in resolving conflict.

For now though this thread is closed. No bans or infractions this time but if you continue posting in this manner in this forum a ban will be incoming shortly.