Waiting to TTC

fits

Phi3 you can look at what part of your reluctance is fear and what is genuine resistance.

I felt similar enough and wasn't really trying very hard to get pregnant after we got married until I was told I probably couldn't have children. And then I cried for two days. I then got pregnant with twins two months later. As i expected its had a negative impact on my career. But otherwise I loved being pregnant and am loving being a mum. And wonder why I waited so long. In my case it was fear that held me back but everything was fine and I don't think ive ever been happier.

volchitsa

phi3 wrote: »

Thank for your input. I understand what you're saying. I am absolutely terrified of every part of having children. Including the next 20 plus years they would be dependent on me. I'm scared of the pregnancy, the giving birth (obviously), the break from work, The ability to keep a helpless baby alive, the getting back to work - finding childcare- only seeing them at weekends due to work. The sleepless nights.
However despite all that there is some part of me that wants to do it. I don't know why. I don't know whether it's the ticking clock or whether its for purely selfish reasons of having some family when I get older. Or the pressure on me to keep my family line going as there are no other grandchildren. Occasionally my brain says lets do this but then it remembers all the scary parts of it and it says nope I can't do this.
I suppose it's the most difficult thing anyone ever does and maybe no one is ever really ready until they're doing it.

I think the fact that unlike our mothers (well for some of you it's probably your grannies, but I'm turned 50 now!) we have access to contraception and take it for granted that we can control our fertility, it's becoming almost another stick to beat ourselves up with. in some ways it was nearly easier when pregnancy was like your period, something that just happened, no matter whether or suited or not.

I'm sort of in between, as we hadn't planned our first, but otoh we are in a stable situation, so after the initial terror it was fine. In some ways I'm glad, as I don't know whether I'd have been able to make that conscious decision myself.
Of course maybe that was my unconscious deciding for me!

So I think while Neyite is definitely right to say that you shouldn't let yourself be pushed into having a baby "for" someone else (partner or parent) maybe you also need to relax a bit about the actual parenthood thing, and think about when you reach the menopause, like I currently am - do you see yourself still having holidays abroad and so on, or do you see yourself with grown up kids and possibly grandchildren?

I think one of the reasons parenthood is often so tough now is because people, mothers especially, put themselves under so much pressure to be perfect parents. Again I'd relate that to the fact that it's so easy to say "Well you chose it, don't complain!" But it doesn't work like that, it's never perfect, so if that's what you're trying for as a parent, you can only fail. Constantly.

Whereas if you relax about it, and just think of it as a learning process, it's fine.
Pretty full on when you're in the middle of it, but it's not constant nappies for 20 years either, nor constant teenage angst. The days of kids coming along like steps of stairs as they used to say are over.

So sure, it's tougher financially than without, and sure, you need to want the child/children yourself, not just for your partner or your mum, but it's also more than just the toughest parts of it.


TL;DR: So think about what you want, long term, rather than about what someone else wants for you, or than about how scary it might seem to get there. That's what really matters.

Neyite

Broody_Allen wrote: »

Jesus I didn't realise people actually thought like that, morning after pill because a Christmas baby might cramp their style too much. Pretty insensitive on a TTC forum, sake

Mod:

If you've a problem with a post, then report it.

I considered delaying my fertility treatment by a couple of months because a birth would clash with a family wedding. Of course I told myself I was being ridiculous considering that the last 28 cycles were fruitless and two of those were with treatment. So I went ahead and guess what?

I postponed our wedding because I got a BFP the week after I bought the dress. I could have gone ahead in another dress, but I'd already spent over a thousand on it and quite frankly, I was damned if I was going to spend a penny more on dressing myself, and I was damned if I was not going to wear the dress I fell in love with to our wedding.

This forum regularly has days where one woman is losing her baby while another is announcing her BFP. People have posted in TTC about gender disappointment. I'd love to have the opportunity where gender disappointment could even be a factor for me. This forum is the epitome at times of unwitting or unknowing insensitivity towards someone. It's the nature of it I'm afraid. Whether it's considering the MAP or a TFMR or anything inbetween we are not going down the route where a woman is afraid to post how she feels for fear of triggering another person because they have a different TTC story to hers.

If people cant be supportive then I'd ask that they don't post and step away from the thread until it's moved on and step back in when they are ready.

volchitsa

phi3 wrote: »

I think I would make a terrible mother. I have never been around kids. They don't tend to like me. I know my bf would make a great dad though. I suppose I'd have to learn as I go along.

Reading backwards here, I know other people have picked up on this too, but I just wanted to say that being around other people's children is nothing like your own. I don't much like other people's kids, well not that I don't like them, and I'd always be kind to them, but I would never have looked to spend time with other people's children before I had any of my own. I found them boring. But it's just completely different when it's your own, it's hormonal I think, I don't think you can even help it really, so it's not like it makes you a nicer person or anything, it just happens!

xDisneyDivax

volchitsa, thank you for your posts it was a lot of food for the thought which is good.

I'm wondering how your men went around it, did they just say they feel ready or what?

volchitsa

xDisneyDivax wrote: »

volchitsa, thank you for your posts it was a lot of food for the thought which is good.

I'm wondering how your men went around it, did they just say they feel ready or what?

No, not for the first one, who wasn't really planned, as I said. If I'd said I wanted an abortion I think he'd have been relieved, but I didn't. He was a bit horrified for about a week - well so was I, TBH.

And then we decided that after all, we had jobs and the rest could all be sorted out. And that was it really. The decision was made. And he's been a great dad, (we're still together) so not being ready in his own mind at the start didn't mean he wasn't a good father.

Neyite

xDisneyDivax wrote: »

volchitsa, thank you for your posts it was a lot of food for the thought which is good.

I'm wondering how your men went around it, did they just say they feel ready or what?

I was broody years before him. He did want kids at some unspecified point in the future. I think he hadn't really thought about the timescale that it could involve so one night with a bottle of wine I mapped it out for him - the year of ttc, a year /18 months of pregnancy and post partum, then ttc again, add in losses and all that starting with the age I was at the time (33). Thought no more of it then a week or so later he came back and it was like:

Him: "hey, you know that thing you were talking about last week? I was thinking we should do it"
Me: [not a notion what's going on ] Wha??
Him: You were on about having a baby. Last week? Remember? Well I think we should start trying...
And that was basically it. I came off the pill and we started to try.

brokensoul

xDisneyDivax wrote: »

volchitsa, thank you for your posts it was a lot of food for the thought which is good.

I'm wondering how your men went around it, did they just say they feel ready or what?

Left to his own devices I don't think my husband would ever have been ready per se. He wanted to have kids, but was convinced that he would be a terrible father. I knew he wouldn't be (he is just really hard on himself) so I kinda had to have enough faith for the two of us that it would be ok.

He is an amazing dad though, and it is extraordinary to watch him with them. I think I have never loved him more than watching him with the babas. Obviously it is not all sunshine and roses, I have probably never wanted to kill him more than I have over the last few months as well!!! Sleep deprivation will do that to a girl ;-)

fits

brokensoul wrote: »

He is an amazing dad though, and it is extraordinary to watch him with them. I think I have never loved him more than watching him with the babas. Obviously it is not all sunshine and roses, I have probably never wanted to kill him more than I have over the last few months as well!!! Sleep deprivation will do that to a girl ;-)

Oh how do I relate. The men really have to step up with twins.

RubyXI

Kind of working on the logic that it could take up to a year to conceive. I am also aware that it could happen straight away- but ignoring that possibility for now...

mirrorwall14

Don't ignore it fully if you have been tracking your period (e.g. glow app). I literally got pregnant on our first attempt.... I know because my OH went out of town the next day and I assumed we wouldn't be lucky that month 🙈

We've agreed to start trying again next month. I have a two year old. Equal parts terrified and excited. And that's when I want another baby!

catrionanic

+1 to getting lucky quickly. I'd been tracking my cycles so had a good idea of when would be best to do the deed, but even at that expected it to take a while. We had sex just twice in the whole month, but both times around my fertile window. Conceived straight away and couldn't believe our luck.

Toots

I got pregnant straight away on my son, wasn't tracking my cycle for TTC but I had that period tracker app purely so I'd know when aunt flo was likely to make an appearance.

We've been trying for a second baby since October 2015 (jesus it's depressing typing that) and so far no luck. I knew it wasn't realistic to expect to get lucky straight away the second time around, but I wasn't expecting it to be this long and still no BFP.

RubyXI

Not sure I could cope with ovulation tracking. Like we have sex about 3 times a week anyway so it's bound to fall at ovulation sooner or later. Just took my first folic acid tablet. Progress I guess...

Toots

I reckon at 3 times a week you'd be alright. We'd be about the same. When I got preggers first time around it would have been every night, however we were only married 2 months at that stage and we were 25 so surviving on 5 hours of sleep per night was totally do-able (pun intended :pac:)

mirrorwall14

Toots wrote: »

I got pregnant straight away on my son, wasn't tracking my cycle for TTC but I had that period tracker app purely so I'd know when aunt flo was likely to make an appearance.

We've been trying for a second baby since October 2015 (jesus it's depressing typing that) and so far no luck. I knew it wasn't realistic to expect to get lucky straight away the second time around, but I wasn't expecting it to be this long and still no BFP.

I'm so nervous. Praying all goes well. I'm lighter and fitter than last time but still have a v high BMI and I'm older so I'm very scared it won't be easy

Toots

I think we're in the same boat. I was heavier when I got pregnant last time, but what's playing on my mind was I had much more of a structure to my day, regular sleeping pattern etc, and I had just turned 25. Although, I'm on metformin since about September, and I have noticed my cycles getting shorter. The last 2 have been about 40 days which is a huge difference.

You never know though, you could be pregnant super fast! Crossing my fingers for you

mirrorwall14

Toots wrote: »

I think we're in the same boat. I was heavier when I got pregnant last time, but what's playing on my mind was I had much more of a structure to my day, regular sleeping pattern etc, and I had just turned 25. Although, I'm on metformin since about September, and I have noticed my cycles getting shorter. The last 2 have been about 40 days which is a huge difference.

You never know though, you could be pregnant super fast! Crossing my fingers for you

My cycles are bang on regular and I still seem to ovulate early like I did before the first so I'm hoping that's a positive as to everything being ok. I guess I'll find out next month 🙈

katethegreat88

Love this thread! I'm waiting to TTC also. I'm getting married this September so want to wait until after that!
Have been on the pill 10 years, want to wait until the wedding is over to come off it, although i know it can take the body some time to readjust.... is it fine to take folic acid with the pill, planning to do this a few months before the wedding on the off chance i got pregnant straight off.
also once off the pill plan to get blood tests done to make sure ive no issues!

I'm not really great with other peoples kids myself but starting to feel broody already for my own!
Also i wont be with the company long enough to get paid maternity leave if it happened within first 6months of trying but am starting to think that isn't that important any more that you manage to get by?

Toots

Yeah you're grand to take folic acid with the pill. Apparently all women of child bearing age should be taking it anyway, although I'll say the only time I consciously took it was when I was pregnant. Most multi vitamins for women have folic acid in them, so if you're taking multi vitamins you could very well be getting it anyway, but the recommendation is that you take it for 12 weeks before getting pregnant, so it'd be no harm to start taking it now anyway. It doesn't affect the pill or anything.

angeldelight

Really interested to see this thread - we're waiting to ttc as we've already got an almost two year old and I just don't know when I want to go again! We definitely want another but I just can't envision splitting my time at all. Financially the earliest it makes sense for us to try is August when toddler will be two and 3 months... last time it took us over 18 months

mirrorwall14

angeldelight wrote: »

Really interested to see this thread - we're waiting to ttc as we've already got an almost two year old and I just don't know when I want to go again! We definitely want another but I just can't envision splitting my time at all. Financially the earliest it makes sense for us to try is August when toddler will be two and 3 months... last time it took us over 18 months

I have a two year old too. I have panic moments every now and then but I know I don't want them too far apart in age and they'll be at least three apart when we start TTC. That and my age are the two biggest factors for me

angeldelight

mirrorwall14 wrote: »

I have a two year old too. I have panic moments every now and then but I know I don't want them too far apart in age and they'll be at least three apart when we start TTC. That and my age are the two biggest factors for me

I'm lucky in that I have age on my side - just really hoping that it doesn't take us as long next time round. Hopefully it won't as I should be a good few stone lighter than I was last time we conceived

Merkin

Toots wrote: »

Yeah you're grand to take folic acid with the pill. Apparently all women of child bearing age should be taking it anyway, although I'll say the only time I consciously took it was when I was pregnant. Most multi vitamins for women have folic acid in them, so if you're taking multi vitamins you could very well be getting it anyway, but the recommendation is that you take it for 12 weeks before getting pregnant, so it'd be no harm to start taking it now anyway. It doesn't affect the pill or anything.

Also important to note that if a persons BMI is even a point or two above 'average' then higher dose folic acid is recommended.

Toots

Merkin wrote: »

Also important to note that if a persons BMI is even a point or two above 'average' then higher dose folic acid is recommended.

Jaysus I just googled this and apparently if your BMI is 30 or above, a daily dose of 5milligrams is recommended. Seemingly you've to get that on prescription because the normal tablets you get in the likes of Boots have about 400 micrograms so you'd need to take like 12 in a day.

Merkin

Toots wrote: »

Jaysus I just googled this and apparently if your BMI is 30 or above, a daily dose of 5milligrams is recommended. Seemingly you've to get that on prescription because the normal tablets you get in the likes of Boots have about 400 micrograms so you'd need to take like 12 in a day.

I know and I think it's a disgrace that it's not commonly flagged here. The NHS were sticklers for having notices up etc.

FYI you can strictly speaking get the high dose folic acid without a script. It's on the pharmacists' list of medicines that they can dispense without prescription so if you're at all friendly with your local chemist they will sort you out

It's so imperative that people take the right dose as carrying a bit of extra weight can have an impact on efficacy. It should also be taken for at least three months before conception.

angeldelight

Merkin wrote: »

I know and I think it's a disgrace that it's not commonly flagged here. The NHS were sticklers for having notices up etc.

FYI you can strictly speaking get the high dose folic acid without a script. It's on the pharmacists' list of medicines that they can dispense without prescription so if you're at all friendly with your local chemist they will sort you out

It's so imperative that people take the right dose as carrying a bit of extra weight can have an impact on efficacy. It should also be taken for at least three months before conception.

It's actually illegal to sell it without prescription - your pharmacist may just be doing you a favour

Toots

Could you actually just take 12 of the other ones, or would there be horrible (diahorrea related) side effects?

angeldelight

You could just take 12 of the standard ones... I did that last time when my prescription was up

xDisneyDivax

Hi wondering if any ladies who previously have said they were also waiting to TTC have started? We had a big chat few weeks ago and we basically decided that we will start next month but that's if I get weight down a bit more so that I'm in 'healthy range' even though I lost two stones since January. So I have started looking in reflexology and kinelogosly in prep. I know folic was mentioned but is there anything else you would recommend? Pregcare?
I also got ovulation test strips to check this month just because I saw them in dealz only €1.50!!lol started testing since start of this week because according to the app my ovulation day is on Friday so it is just all about learning better about my mid cycle for me at moment.
So yeah I guess I'm moving from waiting to TTC towards TTC and to be honest it is quite scary!! Especially when we didn't have my dream honeymoon of Orlando yet and girls asked me about going to Thailand with them next year!