How come Tinder is so difficult?

cantdecide

Surreptitious wrote: »

Some loser asked me what my nipples were like. I didn't answer. Sure aren't they all round and stick out sometimes?

It really baffles me where these guys are coming from. I mean it must actually work for them at least some of the time [contrary to popular belief] or they have to be there just to demonstrate how badly brought up they are.

Surreptitious

cantdecide wrote: »

It really baffles me where these guys are coming from. I mean it must actually work for them at least some of the time [contrary to popular belief] or they have to be there just to demonstrate how badly brought up they are.

I don't know what their story is. That was only the second message as well that he sent. I always seem to get these guys, I honestly don't know why. I'm beyond caring though at this stage tbh.

Carlos Orange

cantdecide wrote: »

It really baffles me where these guys are coming from. I mean it must actually work for them at least some of the time [contrary to popular belief] or they have to be there just to demonstrate how badly brought up they are.

Maybe there are girls out there who don't mind talking about sexual stuff, maybe he just likes inverted nipples or he just wants to get a rise out of you. I know whenever I hear it said that guys say stuff like "I'd destroy her" I'm willing to believe some guys do despite the fact nobody I know ever has around me. People aren't nearly as uniform as experience might lead people to believe.

zulutango

cantdecide wrote: »

It really baffles me where these guys are coming from. I mean it must actually work for them at least some of the time [contrary to popular belief] or they have to be there just to demonstrate how badly brought up they are.

In that situation I would decide to read it as something light-hearted and see where it goes over the next few messages. He might not actually be the perverted, poorly reared loser you've written him off as. Or he might be. But you can't really tell until you've seen/read a bit more I think.

Wibbs

zulutango wrote: »

But you can't really tell until you've seen/read a bit more I think.

Yeah, I think you can TBH. If a guy's second conversational message is asking about a woman's nipples, he's got the social understanding of a house brick and/or is slower of brain than a sloth on valium. Neither good. IMHO life is too short to be dealing with that level of thick.

zulutango

Wibbs wrote: »

Yeah, I think you can TBH. If a guy's second conversational message is asking about a woman's nipples, he's got the social understanding of a house brick and/or is slower of brain than a sloth on valium. Neither good. IMHO life is too short to be dealing with that level of thick.

Jumping to conclusions and close-mindedness are some of the reasons people are single. It wouldn't hurt to let it run for a few more messages. In the example above there are plenty of women who would laugh that off rather than get on their high horse.

silverharp

I saw this on twitter yday, a guy being dragged through hot coals for being a little off point

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

psinno wrote: »

Maybe there are girls out there who don't mind talking about sexual stuff, maybe he just likes inverted nipples or he just wants to get a rise out of you. I know whenever I hear it said that guys say stuff like "I'd destroy her" I'm willing to believe some guys do despite the fact nobody I know ever has around me. People aren't nearly as uniform as experience might lead people to believe.

.
To be fair, if it keeps happening to the same person over and over, and isn't happening to most other people as frequently then I'd question why?
Sure there is an element of it online, but I'd wager that it's more minority than majority. I know when I was younger, early 20s, on Pof, it was mostly profiles with no pics that turned out to be married men that would want to talk about sex and the size of their dick. I've recently been on tinder and pretty much the majority of men I talked with were really nice and respectful. Was asked on a few dates, ghosted and got ghosted a few of them, but there was no opening messages of "I want to bust all over your face" or anything of the sort

Wibbs

zulutango wrote: »

Jumping to conclusions and close-mindedness are some of the reasons people are single. It wouldn't hurt to let it run for a few more messages. In the example above there are plenty of women who would laugh that off rather than get on their high horse.

IMHO it requires no need for a triple decker equine to conclude "eh wut?" if the second message from a complete stranger is asking about your tits. IMHO it shows a staggering lack of social insight. Now it could well be the guy is scoping out the chances of a no strings hookup, which is cool, but a write off if the other party is looking for a bit more than that. If he thinks that's his best spiel or funny, he's a bit of a cretin IMH.

silverharp wrote:

I saw this on twitter yday, a guy being dragged through hot coals for being a little off point

:pac: Now that is jumping to conclusions and/or a moronic "sense of humour" and again if you got that kind of response I think it would be fair to conclude; "oh right so, thundering moron alert. NEXT!". Oh and the tag "datingsfeminist"? Nope, triple nope, with an extra helping of high grade specially imported from the Orient Nope.

Eric Cartman

silverharp wrote: »

I saw this on twitter yday, a guy being dragged through hot coals for being a little off point

If anything he had a lucky escape, surprise surprise a feminist gets a rape accusation in the first chance they get.

zulutango

Wibbs wrote: »

Yeah, I think you can TBH. If a guy's second conversational message is asking about a woman's nipples, he's got the social understanding of a house brick and/or is slower of brain than a sloth on valium. Neither good. IMHO life is too short to be dealing with that level of thick.

To be fair, the poster above should give us the full dialogue before we cast judgement ..

SarahMollie

zulutango wrote: »

To be fair, the poster above should give us the full dialogue before we cast judgement ..

What does the first line of dialogue have to be to make a follow up about her nipples acceptable?

Why do you want to defend moronic behavior?

zulutango

SarahMollie wrote: »

What does the first line of dialogue have to be to make a follow up about her nipples acceptable?

Why do you want to defend moronic behavior?

There's a difference between defending and looking for context.

Wibbs

Context: complete stranger hoping(presumably) to impress/entice, in second message asks about her nipples. Sounds like a bit of a cretin.

zulutango

Wibbs wrote: »

Context: complete stranger hoping(presumably) to impress/entice, in second message asks about her nipples. Sounds like a bit of a cretin.

That's incomplete though. It's missing the initial exchange between the two people.

Or maybe we should just all agree that the guy she briefly chatted with on Tinder is a perverted loser, cretin, etc.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

If it actually happened then yes he's a tool and cretin with no social skills.
Even if I was sexting my fella it would take more than the second message to get as far as my tits TBH

SarahMollie

zulutango wrote: »

There's a difference between defending and looking for context.

We have the context. It was a 2nd message between strangers. There is no opening line that could make that follow up ok.

zulutango

SarahMollie wrote: »

We have the context. It was a 2nd message between strangers.

Eh, that's not context.

SarahMollie wrote: »

There is no opening line that could make that follow up ok.

What if she had referred to her nipples in her message to him?

GingerLily

silverharp wrote: »

I saw this on twitter yday, a guy being dragged through hot coals for being a little off point

I don't know how to interpret "illegal fun" in a non-rapey context here.

SarahMollie

zulutango wrote: »

Eh, that's not context.

Context - the circumstances that form the setting for an event, statement, or idea, and in terms of which it can be fully understood.

Context does not equal Transcript.

The context is that this was the 2nd message between strangers on a dating site.

zulutango wrote: »

What if she had referred to her nipples in her message to him?

Stop scraping the bottom of the barrel. Why would she have raised this as an issue here if that were the case.

zulutango

SarahMollie wrote: »

Stop scraping the bottom of the barrel. Why would she have raised this as an issue here if that were the case.

God knows. But equally why would a stranger say such a thing to her? The reasons people say things aren't always clear cut. That applies to his message and her reporting of it here. It's far too easy to rush to judgement and say he's a cretin, when it's possible there was some nuance in those opening exchanges. Maybe he is indeed a cretin, or maybe she seeks validation by posting on boards about how awful guys are. I'm not saying either is true, because I don't know the slightest about anybody in this, but there are always many possibilities in these things.

Potatoeman

You have to remember it is a hookup app even though it's being used as a dating app now. A friend of mine got nudes from a woman (without asking) after a few messages.

silverharp

GingerLily wrote: »

I don't know how to interpret "illegal fun" in a non-rapey context here.

leaving aside the lack of any context info available here, from his viewpoint he looks like he was trying to complement her on her age while being flirty and suggestive, by definition pretty much anything would be illegal with "jail bait". The guy is clearly shocked by how the conversation turned.
For all we know he tried this line before and got a better reaction. Cant say Im not surprised it fell flat when used on a hardcore feminist. :pac:

Carlos Orange

silverharp wrote: »

Cant say Im not surprised it fell flat when used on a hardcore feminist. :pac:

Gotta know your audience. Obviously not a great line for a feminist or someone overly literal.

I have never actually heard someone say something like that but I'm pretty sure I have come across it in various media (tv/movies) , possibly years ago. Don't think it was ever portrayed as meaning rape.

silverharp

psinno wrote: »

Gotta know your audience. Obviously not a great line for a feminist or someone overly literal.

probably not a bad idea to have some line that would smoke a feminist out although I don't think the guy was thinking that way

Surreptitious

zulutango wrote: »

Eh, that's not context.



What if she had referred to her nipples in her message to him?

I missed all these replies. His first message was 'are your breasts real?' and I said 'yes why would I go around getting boob jobs done' then the second message was asking me what my nipples were like. I don't know who said I encouraged it but to be frank, no I didn't.

zulutango

I don't think anybody said you encouraged it. Thanks for providing context. Hard to know what the guy's game was in that situation. I can't see it working even if he's just looking for a hook-up, unless he's ridiculously good looking and has a bio that suggests he's smart or interesting.

Surreptitious

zulutango wrote: »

I don't think anybody said you encouraged it. Thanks for providing context. Hard to know what the guy's game was in that situation. I can't see it working even if he's just looking for a hook-up, unless he's ridiculously good looking and has a bio that suggests he's smart or interesting.

I barely even looked at him. I did reply though and was friendly to him but stopped responding then as I didn't think it deserved a reply.

zulutango

zulutango wrote: »

I don't think anybody said you encouraged it. Thanks for providing context. Hard to know what the guy's game was in that situation. I can't see it working even if he's just looking for a hook-up, unless he's ridiculously good looking and has a bio that suggests he's smart or interesting.

How the frak could someone who sends minus IQ messages have a bio that suggests he is smart or interesting?!

SarahMollie

Deleted User wrote: »

How the frak could someone who sends minus IQ messages have a bio that suggests he is smart or interesting?!

Ha, "minus IQ messages" is a pretty accurate description

zulutango

Surreptitious wrote: »

I barely even looked at him. I did reply though and was friendly to him but stopped responding then as I didn't think it deserved a reply.

You just sent one message in total?

GingerLily

silverharp wrote: »

leaving aside the lack of any context info available here, from his viewpoint he looks like he was trying to complement her on her age while being flirty and suggestive, by definition pretty much anything would be illegal with "jail bait". The guy is clearly shocked by how the conversation turned.
For all we know he tried this line before and got a better reaction. Cant say Im not surprised it fell flat when used on a hardcore feminist. :pac:

It's a bloody creepy thing to say, nothing "feminist" about not liking underage s*x jokes.

Surreptitious

zulutango wrote: »

You just sent one message in total?

That's all.

zulutango

Surreptitious wrote: »

That's all.

I wonder if that works for him sometimes. What age was he? Was he good looking?

Surreptitious

He's 29 and very good looking but has poor punctuation and grammar. I don't mind anyway, it's just someone else to ignore.

zulutango

Surreptitious wrote: »

He's 29 and very good looking but has poor punctuation and grammar. I don't mind anyway, it's just someone else to ignore.

I'm a stickler for punctuation and grammar too, and these would certainly be major factors in deciding if I was interested in somebody or not. But, against that, I've learned that there are some great people who are just terrible at writing. I once got a query about a room I was renting out that written in text speak, only a few words long, no greeting, politeness, etc. It was definitely one to ignore, but against my better judgement I decided to let this guy view the room. He came over and, to cut a long story short, he was a really nice guy, very smart and chilled out too, and I rented him the room. That was 6 years ago and we're best friends now. And I guess when it comes to Tinder dating we have to be careful that we don't make too hasty judgements about people. At the end of the day, it's us that could be missing out. (I'm not saying that the guy who sent those ****ty messages falls into this category)

I rarely received those type of messages but I would ignore them. Even if I was just looking for a casual thing the type of man who thinks he's being funny or whatever by sending them wouldn't be for me. I might just want to sleep with you but I would still prefer you to be interesting!

My views of online dating have changed. It's been interesting for me and I had a lot of great experiences but it can be hard. The same auld profiles appearing, same bland messages, individuality sorely lacking, no response to any messages I send. I'm robust enough in myself to take it but my heart is far from made of stone.

beks101

zulutango wrote: »

I'm a stickler for punctuation and grammar too, and these would certainly be major factors in deciding if I was interested in somebody or not. But, against that, I've learned that there are some great people who are just terrible at writing. I once got a query about a room I was renting out that written in text speak, only a few words long, no greeting, politeness, etc. It was definitely one to ignore, but against my better judgement I decided to let this guy view the room. He came over and, to cut a long story short, he was a really nice guy, very smart and chilled out too, and I rented him the room. That was 6 years ago and we're best friends now. And I guess when it comes to Tinder dating we have to be careful that we don't make too hasty judgements about people. At the end of the day, it's us that could be missing out. (I'm not saying that the guy who sent those ****ty messages falls into this category)

My OH has everything from poor to atrocious punctuation in writing depending on the day. He just couldn't give a damn about it in casual circumstances, text messages, emails and chats with friends etc. He'd polish it up for formal work-related stuff, but honestly I would've rolled my eyes and discounted him as an utter moron if he'd messaged me on a dating site as I'm a particular stickler for that kind of thing - I'm a journalist so the written word is kind of my thing!

Like your friend, it'd have been a serious misjudgement had we not met and worked together first and I'd never have known that in person he's sharp as a tack and probably one of the wittiest people you'll meet. It's just less of a priority to him. He's an engineer so his brain works in numbers rather than letters and languages like mine. Again, something that you'll never allow for as you're swiping through hundreds of profiles and making swift judgements that often case will be the wrong ones and you'll never know about it.

On the whole "NICE TITS" malark - I can't remember experiencing too much of that on tinder, but certainly in my early days of online dating with the likes of POF etc, there was always a bit of that. Some guys get a thrill out of saying shocking/gross/nasty things to women just because they can get away with it online as opposed to real-life where they'd probably get a hiding. I'd view it more as a symptom of internet culture in general rather than some big misogynistic problem with it as a premise - those kind of arseholes are all over youtube, twitter, instagram etc too.

Surreptitious

zulutango wrote: »

I'm a stickler for punctuation and grammar too, and these would certainly be major factors in deciding if I was interested in somebody or not. But, against that, I've learned that there are some great people who are just terrible at writing. I once got a query about a room I was renting out that written in text speak, only a few words long, no greeting, politeness, etc. It was definitely one to ignore, but against my better judgement I decided to let this guy view the room. He came over and, to cut a long story short, he was a really nice guy, very smart and chilled out too, and I rented him the room. That was 6 years ago and we're best friends now. And I guess when it comes to Tinder dating we have to be careful that we don't make too hasty judgements about people. At the end of the day, it's us that could be missing out. (I'm not saying that the guy who sent those ****ty messages falls into this category)

I'm not judging him at all on that. I have gone out with loads of people who can barely spell. It was the content of the message I had a problem with. I know not everyone cares about grammar. I just mentioned it as you specifically asked about his bio.

Alpha_zero

Surreptitious wrote: »

I'm not judging him at all on that. I have gone out with loads of people who can barely spell. It was the content of the message I had a problem with. I know not everyone cares about grammar. I just mentioned it as you specifically asked about his bio.

You likes the man who cant speel, wannaq huuk up?

Surreptitious

:pac::pac:

silverharp

silverharp wrote: »

Unsuprisingly I interpreted that hashtag as a complaint by the woman that there were "no tall men" .. #toomanytallmen

GingerLily

silverharp wrote: »

leaving aside the lack of any context info available here, from his viewpoint he looks like he was trying to complement her on her age while being flirty and suggestive, by definition pretty much anything would be illegal with "jail bait". The guy is clearly shocked by how the conversation turned.
For all we know he tried this line before and got a better reaction. Cant say Im not surprised it fell flat when used on a hardcore feminist. :pac:

I showed it to my partner last night, I was interested to see if he felt the same; that "jail bait" is an okay flirty chat up line and that only a hyper sensitive feminist would be offended by.

Luckily his response was "god no one came out of that looking well" he was genuinely confused as to who was meant to look worse.

Either way I guess it's good to show your true colours early on in a dating scene like tinder, so no one wastes their time.

Sleepy

You would wonder what any woman who'd go on about #notallmen would be doing on a heterosexual dating site though?

mzungu

Did this conversation actually happen? I always thought those conversations you see shared on Twitter/FB were fakes.