Christmas Tips

gramar

Today it's Dr Ciara Kelly with no less than '14 tips to get through the holidays unscathed'. Last week it was Amy Huberman's guide to Christmas. 7 pearls of wisdom that included such nuggets as 'Newbridge Silverware is incredibly generous to work with and over the past few years I have enough decorations to rival their Christmas showroom! It makes me look incredibly organised as everything matches and looks beautiful'.

Not forgetting of course to mention the 10 ways to enjoy a stress-free Christmas from a few weeks back.

So there are just 31 top tips to ensure that you and yours have a sooper dooper Christmas or holiday season of whatever the hell it's called nowadays. Ignore them at your peril.

Mr. Incognito

Give me back the ten seconds it took me to read that

It's like learning braile on a turd.

me_irl

...and a partridge in a pear tree.

ScumLord

Don't do Christmas, you'll save a fortune on christmas presents, you'll be safer not having numerous fire hazards scattered throughout your house, and you won't be contributing to rampant globalised consumerism where we consume natural resources and turn them into things nobody actually wants. Christmas is quickly becoming the very worst of humanity wrapped up in pseudo sentimentality.

Let's make humbug a positive word.

The Backwards Man

I tip the postman and the binman, everybody else can go hump themselves.

fineso.mom

I thought this was actually going to be a thread with Christmas tips. ......please don't hate me.

uch

Christmas Tips


Don't tie your shoelace in a Revolving Door

sjb25

The Backwards Man wrote: »

, everybody else can go hump themselves.

Great time of year The Christmas spirit is great

Temptamperu

The Backwards Man wrote: »

I tip the postman and the binman, everybody else can go hump themselves.

The bin man can whistle for a tip. He gets paid weekly.

keano_afc

If you have a new baby and are bottle feeding, drop some glitter in their feed on Christmas eve for a nice Chrismassy poo the following morning.

HS3

Am I supposed to google all those tips to unlock my perfect Christmas? I thought this was going to be a thread laden with tips! I have no tips!

superglue

Tip #42: See that yellow snow that's been mysteriously gathering out front? Don't let it go to waste. Simply add some gin, black pepper, and a few sprigs of mint for a festive zinger that will have all the neighbours clambering for more.

podgemonster

Tip 137: When attending your Wife's Christmas party on the other side of the country. Leave Your Shoes On!

You never know when highly skilled criminals posing as terrorists will infiltrate the building whom you will have to take out one by one while leaving witty one-liners.

Lucyfur

keano_afc wrote: »

If you have a new baby and are bottle feeding, drop some glitter in their feed on Christmas eve for a nice Chrismassy poo the following morning.

My baby is so deadly she sh1ts glitter anyway.
And her farts are made from rainbows

Pherekydes

Pherekydes one-point guide to a better Xmas:

Go to bed and set your alarm for January 6th.

Spanish Eyes

My poor mum is in hospital with serious illness this last week. She will be there for another 6 weeks or so they tell us.

So Christmas Day will be spent in the hospital with her for most of the day. We will be all together for a while, and then do different shifts. I'm not putting up any decos or tree, can't be bothered now, she won't be here anyway.

So it will be stress free, but stress FULL, in a different way, if you get me!

So all these fekkin gurus can take a hike.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

Temptamperu wrote: »

The bin man can whistle for a tip. He gets paid weekly.

:eek: When did they stop paying postmen????

LordSutch

Don't buy a real tree too soon in the lead up to Christmas, otherwise it will be wilting & on the way out (shedding pine needles all over your floor) before Christmas has even started

keano_afc

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

My poor mum is in hospital with serious illness this last week. She will be there for another 6 weeks or so they tell us.

So Christmas Day will be spent in the hospital with her for most of the day. We will be all together for a while, and then do different shifts. I'm not putting up any decos or tree, can't be bothered now, she won't be here anyway.

So it will be stress free, but stress FULL, in a different way, if you get me!

So all these fekkin gurus can take a hike.

Sorry to hear that. My own gran spent Christmas in hospital once and we spent a good portion of the day with her. Hope your mum gets well soon.

corner of hells

My cousins wife has ****ed off back to Portugal taking three kids with her after starting an unholy row with aunt , uncle , various relatives and neighbours.
She also announced she will be back in early January .

Apparently she's done this before to avoid Christmas.

My cousin who you think is devastated is on cloud nine.Drunk as a lord over the weekend and to quote him "I'll probably fly out and see the mad **** over the Christmas. '

5rtytry56

Remember to pub / restaurant / fast food outlets where you are given decent quality service on social media. Seriously.


Without this, why should such establishment be like the rest of their more unscrupulous rivals in this busy season.

Temptamperu

Allyson Aggressive Baboon wrote: »

:eek: When did they stop paying postmen????

Postman comes whether I pay him or not. Should I forget to pay the bin that shíts just left there.

gramar

corner of hells wrote: »

My cousins wife has ****ed off back to Portugal taking three kids with her after starting an unholy row with aunt , uncle , various relatives and neighbours.
She also announced she will be back in early January .

Apparently she's done this before to avoid Christmas.

My cousin who you think is devastated is on cloud nine.Drunk as a lord over the weekend and to quote him "I'll probably fly out and see the mad **** over the Christmas. '

Getting into the true spirits of Christmas...whiskey, gin and vodka.

boobar

If you have kids, get them to post their Santa list early.

Changing their minds in mid December does Santa's skull in.

kfallon

Show a little sensitivity to people with mental health problems when buying them a Christmas Hamper by not including any crackers, nuts or fruit cake.

mfceiling

Make sure your girlfriend is called Holly or Carol. Chances are she'll have been born around Christmas so the one present will cover the birthday as well as Christmas.

JohnCleary

Christmas tip? Sure..... GET OUT!

Getting on a plane to SE Asia on Thursday and not returning to Ireland until Jan 8th.

I get to avoid the whole thing, it's great (been doing this for 5 years).

JohnCleary

Spanish Eyes wrote: »

My poor mum is in hospital with serious illness this last week. She will be there for another 6 weeks or so they tell us.

So Christmas Day will be spent in the hospital with her for most of the day. We will be all together for a while, and then do different shifts. I'm not putting up any decos or tree, can't be bothered now, she won't be here anyway.

So it will be stress free, but stress FULL, in a different way, if you get me!

So all these fekkin gurus can take a hike.

If it's any consolation... few years back I was in hospital for 4 months, which included Christmas / New Years.

It was the best Christmas Day I remember having. OK so I couldn't feel my legs, but for the first time in years all of my family sat in the same room, I got loads of food and I got legless (no pun intended) drunk (p1ssing into the bottle was great craic)

kfallon

Christmas Office Partygoers.....impress your colleagues when photocopying your genitals by setting the machine to enlarge by 300%. This works for men only as the results are less impressive for women.

Capt'n Midnight

Pherekydes wrote: »

Pherekydes one-point guide to a better Xmas:

Go to bed and set your alarm for January 6th.

Wow, that's an epiphany.

super_furry

Do bin men still come knocking on the door with their hand out in December?

maudgonner

super_furry wrote: »

Do bin men still come knocking on the door with their hand out in December?

If they tried that with me they'd be getting a dirty nappy handed to them for being so cheeky.


And I don't have kids...

BENDYBINN

Temptamperu wrote: »

The bin man can whistle for a tip. He gets paid weekly.

Very weakly

nice_guy80

JohnCleary wrote: »

Christmas tip? Sure..... GET OUT!

Getting on a plane to SE Asia on Thursday and not returning to Ireland until Jan 8th.

I get to avoid the whole thing, it's great (been doing this for 5 years).

I floated this idea for the last three years, but she's said no

next year i'm just booking the tickets

gramar

nice_guy80 wrote: »

I floated this idea for the last three years, but she's said no

next year i'm just booking the tickets

Are you going to bring her?

nice_guy80

gramar wrote: »

Are you going to bring her?

maybe

a seat for my ereader would be handy

gramar

nice_guy80 wrote: »

maybe

a seat for my ereader would be handy

I could hold it for you.

nice_guy80

gramar wrote: »

I could hold it for you.

the ereader or herself?

gramar

nice_guy80 wrote: »

the ereader or herself?

The ereader, I wouldn't refer to your lady partner as 'it'.

Widdershins

I'll bring in some holly and mistletoe, light a few candles, make a more elaborate than usual dinner and celebrate the end of the dark part of the year. Like a winter solstice celebration, only a few days after the solstice.I can't be doing with the high pressure commercialized affair that is Christmas celebration.

JohnCleary

nice_guy80 wrote: »

I floated this idea for the last three years, but she's said no

next year i'm just booking the tickets

My OH wasn't keen on spending 'another' Christmas abroad. I sweetened the deal by buying Business Class... suddenly eating Christmas Dinner on a beach in Thailand doesn't seem so bad to her

nice_guy80

JohnCleary wrote: »

My OH wasn't keen on spending 'another' Christmas abroad. I sweetened the deal by buying Business Class... suddenly eating Christmas Dinner on a beach in Thailand doesn't seem so bad to her

damn you

eating dinner anywhere in thailand is good

JupiterKid

Knock back a bottle of whiskey for each hour the turkey is in the oven. By the time the turkey is burned to a crisp resembling the Mother Alien, you just won't give a sh*t.

Merry Christmas!!

5rtytry56

buy spare batteries - particularly the AA AAA and 9v variety ror these kids toys so there are no floods of tears when the batteries die on Christmas day evening at 4.30pm.

sbsquarepants

5rtytry56 wrote: »

buy spare batteries - particularly the AA AAA and 9v variety ror these kids toys so there are no floods of tears when the batteries die on Christmas day evening at 4.30pm.

About 4 years ago the missus splashed out 200 odd quid on rechargeable batteries and a charger, I thought she was mad (she is by the way) - but this one act stands alone as a glimmer of genius in a sea of insanity.
Best buy ever:D

MeatTwoVeg

Encourage your children to be naughty on the run up to Christmas, then save a fortune by not getting them any presents.

keano_afc

kfallon wrote: »

Show a little sensitivity to people with mental health problems when buying them a Christmas Hamper by not including any crackers, nuts or fruit cake.

Having a recovering addict around for dinner on Stephens Day? Avoid an awkward silence by not offering them cold turkey.

hairyslug

We have the inlaws coming over for 4 ****in days, whoopde****indoo.

My poor dog will be walked more than he ever has been beforr

5rtytry56

Common Sense: December 25th & 26th are Bank Holidays.

Also, if shopping on St. Stephen's day as an antidote for the fukking boredom remember shop staff may have a 'Bank Holiday' attitude towards all 'footfall' in the store: be prepared, and personally don't pay it back.

kfallon

5rtytry56 wrote: »

Common Sense: December 25th & 26th are Bank Holidays.

Also, if shopping on St. Stephen's day as an antidote for the fukking boredom remember shop staff may have a 'Bank Holiday' attitude towards all 'footfall' in the store: be prepared, and personally don't pay it back.

I would rather have my scrotum nailed to a table than go shopping on Stephen's Day. You've just had a whole month of shopping, why would you go again?

Either a day with the family or a day down the pub is what it's all about for me!

Rhyme

Do your shopping before Christmas, or better yet, before December. Stay out of Dublin.