Christmas Tips

5rtytry56

kfallon wrote: »

I would rather have my scrotum nailed to a table than go shopping on Stephen's Day. You've just had a whole month of shopping, why would you go again?

Either a day with the family or a day down the pub is what it's all about for me!

It IS very hard to find an open Pub on St Stephens day where I live.
Also, they tend to be busy.

kfallon

5rtytry56 wrote: »

It IS very hard to find an open Pub on St Stephens day where I live.
Also, they tend to be busy.

Ah jaysus

5rtytry56

MeatTwoVeg wrote: »

Encourage your children to be naughty on the run up to Christmas, then save a fortune by not getting them any presents.

Get a couple of coal blocks - one for each kid and give them one each instead on Christmas Day. I'll save one for you too, kfallon.

harry Bailey esq

corner of hells wrote: »

My cousins wife has ****ed off back to Portugal taking three kids with her after starting an unholy row with aunt , uncle , various relatives and neighbours.
She also announced she will be back in early January .

Apparently she's done this before to avoid Christmas.

My cousin who you think is devastated is on cloud nine.Drunk as a lord over the weekend and to quote him "I'll probably fly out and see the mad **** over the Christmas. '

What a perfect couple.I envy him.

Capt'n Midnight

Fed up with overcooked dried out turkey ?

Fill the turkey with popcorn kernels and put in the oven at 200c (190c for fan
assisted, gas mark 3)

When it explodes the pieces will be tender and moist.

5rtytry56

*******Don't forget the grey / brown / green bins and collection times********

MeatTwoVeg

Reassure friends and family, concerned at your spiraling alcoholism, that you're simply doing the '12 pubs' anytime you bump into them while inebriated.

5rtytry56

MeatTwoVeg wrote: »

Reassure friends and family, concerned at your spiraling alcoholism, that you're simply doing the '12 pubs' anytime you bump into them while inebriated.

Prepare a list of 12 public houses, the nearer the better. Name, shame..........and BLAME:D:D:D:pac:

Four Phucs Ache

DO NOT give your dog Xmas pudding.

My dad does it every fookin year so on St stephens day it sh*ts like a shotgun.

5rtytry56

Four Phucs Ache wrote: »

DO NOT give your dog Xmas pudding.

My dad does it every fookin year so on St stephens day it sh*ts like a shotgun.

And don't feed Fido chocolate designed for kids or auntie either.

kfallon

Save money on presents for children under the age of 3 by simply wrapping empty cardboard boxes in Christmas paper. They usually don't give a shíte about the present inside anyway and spend all their time either sticking their head in or climbing into the box!

5rtytry56

Plan for that visiting child who simply cannot behave themselves.

Widdershins

Four Phucs Ache wrote: »

DO NOT give your dog Xmas pudding.

My dad does it every fookin year so on St stephens day it sh*ts like a shotgun.

Raisins are poisonous to dogs. Puddings are usually full of raisins.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

Temptamperu wrote: »

Postman comes whether I pay him or not. Should I forget to pay the bin that shíts just left there.

Not at all. Binman never gets a tip here and he still empties the bins as required.

Postie gets a tip though, as he goes above and beyond many times during the year.

5rtytry56

In visiting your father's/ brother's/ sister's house this Christmas........

.....don't overstay your welcome.

For the health and safety of everyone in the house, under no circumstances should anyone be allowed take out the Monopoly board.

Anyone who attempts to pass salad off as a meal should be taken out the back and shot. It's Christmas, tubs of Roses are meals, entire trifles are meals, half the flesh of a giant turkey between two slabs of bread is a meal, a whole box of those white Fererro Rocher is a meal.

Salad is a January meal, get away from me with your healthy stuff.

Capt'n Midnight

Candie wrote: »

For the health and safety of everyone in the house, under no circumstances should anyone be allowed take out the Monopoly board.

The whole point of Monopoly was to show how just unfair "the landlord game" is.

It does it's job very well.

gramar

Here's some tips you won't be able to do without.

1. Eat one mince pie instead of two - You fúcking genius!