Are people who have affairs/cheat bad people?

guestb12345

People who have affairs, are they bad people? I know a woman who is cheating on her husband. I can't get over how such a seemingly nice person can be doing something so horrible to the man. Are people who have affairs/cheat on their OH's, bad people?

There's more than one reason why a person might cheat. A person who's in a loveless, perhaps bullying or abusive marriage who perhaps has been denied sex, love or respect for years, is a whole different dealio to a person who just fancies a shag with a stranger without a care or second thought of their OH.

Sometimes good people do bad things, but I'd despise cheating in general.

posturingpat

Yes.
If you're not going to stay faithful get out of the relationship. Simple as that.

johnayo

posturingpat wrote: »

Yes.
If you're not going to stay faithful get out of the relationship. Simple as that.

Unfortunately, in life, there is very little that is that black and white.
In an ideal world, of course you are right.

The Rape of Lucretia

It very positive for genetic variety, particularly if either or both parties can get away without it being noticed by the other partners. Cheating is a successful evolutionary development, and perfectly natural for those who engage in it. They are not bad people, simply differently-loyal, and should not be condemned for that. Embrace the variety of humanity, and allow them be true to their nature without criticism.

jca

Yes.

Marzipan85

The Rape of Lucretia wrote: »

It very positive for genetic variety, particularly if either or both parties can get away without it being noticed by the other partners. Cheating is a successful evolutionary development, and perfectly natural for those who engage in it. They are not bad people, simply differently-loyal, and should not be condemned for that. Embrace the variety of humanity, and allow them be true to their nature without criticism.

Right so! Break your girlfriend's/boyfriend's heart . No biggie. it's for the betterment of mankind for god's sake! :rolleyes:

posturingpat

johnayo wrote: »

Unfortunately, in life, there is very little that is that black and white.
In an ideal world, of course you are right.

As black and white as you make it. Cheating should never be done as far as I'm concerned, Ive ended relationships to get with someone rather than cheat on women in the past.

learn_more

What is a 'bad' person?

Is a 'bad' person someone who lived a perfectly moral life but did one bad thing?

There are always people out there who want to feel better about themselves by putting others down for their actions.

Nobody lives the same life or lives in the exact same circumstances as someone else as our lives are completely unique.

The OP is looking from afar, but did not live the life of the adulter. There are things the OP may not know. Maybe the husband is a total asshole, who knows...

I really don't like poking my nose into other peoples relationships. It's none of my business and I wouldn't assume anything, whether good or bad.

Chancer3001

Not bad people.

Just made bad choices.

If you do 99% right and 1% wrong are you bad??

midnight city

Its nasty and its cowardly. If the relationship is over get out.

johnayo

posturingpat wrote: »

As black and white as you make it. Cheating should never be done as far as I'm concerned, Ive ended relationships to get with someone rather than cheat on women in the past.

Good for you... Here's hoping you can maintain that clear cut path through your life.. Unfortunately not everyone can.

boobar

I'd say their spouses would say yes they're bad people.

posturingpat

johnayo wrote: »

Good for you... Here's hoping you can maintain that clear cut path through your life.. Unfortunately not everyone can.

I'm no saint, far from it but when it comes to purposely doing something that you know will hurt someone you care for or did care for people come up with far too many excuses.
Just don't do it.

The Rape of Lucretia

Marzipan85 wrote: »

Right so! Break your girlfriend's/boyfriend's heart . No biggie. it's for the betterment of mankind for god's sake! :rolleyes:

Not really for mankind. But for yourself. Reproductively, the cheaters are more successful. The non-cheater, in this sense is the 'bad', or less successful person.
Its a different strokes for different folks sort of thing.

tayto lover

A rogue of a mickey can get a good man into trouble.

GiantTcr

johnayo wrote: »

Good for you... Here's hoping you can maintain that clear cut path through your life.. Unfortunately not everyone can.

Then whats the point in being in a relationship with someone if you know you want to be with someone else? If you are a good person, it's cut and dry. You leave that person you are in the relationship with, in order to be with another person. Simple really.

twill

The Rape of Lucretia wrote: »

Not really for mankind. But for yourself. Reproductively, the cheaters are more successful. The non-cheater, in this sense is the 'bad', or less successful person.
Its a different strokes for different folks sort of thing.

If a person has that philosophy, they have the option of informing their intended partner that they do not intend to be faithful and letting them decide whether or not they find that acceptable. Cheating is objectively bad, because it is false and disloyal.

As to whether cheating makes a person bad, I imagine under the right circumstances anyone can be tempted and can do things they regret. Ideally, they will learn and not repeat their mistake. Bad people seek out opportunities to cheat and have no problem with doing it repeatedly.

wakka12

It depends how much you value relationships and loyalty I suppose. I don't think it makes somebody a bad person , though I would be upset if it happened to me but it wouldnt make me think my spouse was necessarily a bad person

mayobumblebee

guestb12345 wrote: »

People who have affairs, are they bad people? I know a woman who is cheating on her husband. I can't get over how such a seemingly nice person can be doing something so horrible to the man. Are people who have affairs/cheat on their OH's, bad people?

I also know a woman who is cheating on her poor husband she is completely uncaring and has lied to me and others about it. I pity her kids and husband. She also continues to do so many times I'm surprised it's not common knowledge at this point. I think it's bad if it's cheating if you want to have an open relationship then do that with like minded people I know she has split at least one relationship up. that's a bad person that doesn't care who they hurt

buried

GiantTcr wrote: »

Then whats the point in being in a relationship with someone if you know you want to be with someone else? If you are a good person, it's cut and dry. You leave that person you are in the relationship with, in order to be with another person. Simple really.

Its not that cut and dry though. People who are involved with other people, be it through a relationship, be it through a family, be it through a friendship, they can hurt each other all the time.
Its probably the most frequent thing that happens in any relationship in those close knit social areas. Doesn't mean any party involved is necessarily 'bad' or 'malevolent'. People p!ss each other off all the time.
Fair enough, ignoring the fact someone may be p!ssing you off and not addressing that fact and situation to the other person isn't fair either, but some folk may not want to address that situation out into the open, they may not want to for whatever reason they have themselves. They could be scared, they could be frightened to do so, they may feel they have been betrayed themselves, countless social mind pressures like that, god only knows. Doesn't make them 'bad'. That's too simplistic

B.A._Baracus

Not really an easy question to answer. People can be described as having a grey area. An overall decent person can still be a complete a$shole in a situation. On the flip side a complete a$shole can be alright to their partner etc. Grey area.


But one thing that annoys me is when people try to justify their cheating. Oh I was in a loveless relationship, I wasn't getting any sex, they're not treating me right, yadda yadda. For every one genuine case as to why someone cheated there is 50 who'll use that as an excuse.

guestb12345

The guy she's having the affair with is married as well. Does a "good" person do this? I feel sorry for her husband.

osarusan

I don't thing cheating always means they are a bad person, but I do think it is always a bad thing to do. I don't think it is ever really justifiable.

mayobumblebee

Well the one I know Is a horrid woman whoever crosses her path she will jump on its the attention she craves. So many people know about her. but what do you do. Some are not horrible people like genuine once off truly sorry
I'd guess almost all long term or repeat cheaters just apologise and continue the lies and games.

darkpagandeath

Are we talking F*cking or Kissing ?

Shergar6

Obviously it's a ****ty thing to do but there's different levels of cheating. Is a college student a bad person because they snogged someone while plastered who isn't their girlfriend/boyfriend on a night out? Nah. You hopefully learn from stuff like that when you're young. When it comes to serious grown up relationships and marriage and all i think it's incredibly heartless. I don't even know how people carry on long term affairs and have wives and kids. It doesn't sound 'exciting' to me at all. Will never forget when Ronan Keating was caught cheating on the wife for over a year when she found his second phone - and he was always banging on about how he adored his Mrs and she saved him after his ma dying etc and in an interview a week before that he gets really jealous of Yvonne when she goes out without him?? Then when they split (more like she turfed him out) he acts like she's the one who caused it and how he's never felt loved and happy until he met his current wife. Someone like that is an out and out scumbag and deserves all the judgement in the world.

In fairness i have never been cheated on or cheated and i kind of feel you don't know how you'd react unless you're in that position.

tomwaterford

No...it deosnt make them bad (deosnt make them good either)


The majority of people I've meet/known long term cheated at one stage or another...

I know more couples where both have cheated than where both haven't. .....Obviously their OH don't know.....

but it deos go on a fair bit more than most people are willing to acknowledge


Deosnt make them bad and I'd not judge them for it....who am I to judge/know what geos on behind closed doors???

But I do tell anyone that's pissed off/heartbroken after finding their partner having an affair to walk away as itll happen again

voz es

guestb12345 wrote: »

People who have affairs, are they bad people? I know a woman who is cheating on her husband. I can't get over how such a seemingly nice person can be doing something so horrible to the man. Are people who have affairs/cheat on their OH's, bad people?

A better question is would an act make a person either bad or good. We all have the potential to do both very good and very bad things.

People will always end up hurting people for one thing or another.

If a person dose a lot of what are considered 'bad things' and they are remorseful would that make them a good person..... But what if they were not remorseful but had a traumatic upbringing and the coping mechanisms that they cut out a lot of empathy from their relational style.

What if a person never acts out badly of dose physical bad thing but in their heads are bitter and spiteful, elitist and wishes negativity to most they meat. getting jealous of others successes are they a good person?

The argument's are endless..... Might I suggest do the best you can with your own life in line with your morals and don't waste time wondering about the judgement of others.

The Rape of Lucretia

The Rape of Lucretia wrote: »

It very positive for genetic variety, particularly if either or both parties can get away without it being noticed by the other partners. Cheating is a successful evolutionary development, and perfectly natural for those who engage in it. They are not bad people, simply differently-loyal, and should not be condemned for that. Embrace the variety of humanity, and allow them be true to their nature without criticism.

maybe if both are cut from the same cloth, perhaps.. but if one party is out working hard, taking care of kids and still being loving and caring in the bedroom and all those things... then you think as for the other half, "ah sure that's just john/jane being themselves so it is".. it's a cop out. like I said, if both parties are swingers and fine with it, then ok, nobodys getting hurt here.

But if one is skulking off round to the local little chef motel "on business"?? or off to Westport every other weekend?? then NOPE! scumbag thing to do.

fullstop

The Rape of Lucretia wrote: »

It very positive for genetic variety, particularly if either or both parties can get away without it being noticed by the other partners. Cheating is a successful evolutionary development, and perfectly natural for those who engage in it. They are not bad people, simply differently-loyal, and should not be condemned for that. Embrace the variety of humanity, and allow them be true to their nature without criticism.

Oh TRoL, you're not even trying anymore. Just yesterday you posted this on another thread about having sex on the first date. It seems your moral compass is being interfered with :rolleyes::rolleyes:

The Rape of Lucretia wrote: »

It would be highly immoral if it were indeed to take place. The only moral sexual act is natural marital relations.
To be moral, each and every knowingly chosen sexual act must have three good fonts of morality : the intention must be good, the moral object must be good, and the good consequences must outweigh any bad consequences.
In order to have a good moral object, each and every sexual act must be marital and unitive and procreative.
All non-marital sexual acts are intrinsically evil and always gravely immoral. As such, 'doing it' on a first date probably never happens in Ireland despite some of the claims above. Irish people are better than that.

HellSquirrel

The Rape of Lucretia wrote: »

It very positive for genetic variety, particularly if either or both parties can get away without it being noticed by the other partners. Cheating is a successful evolutionary development, and perfectly natural for those who engage in it. They are not bad people, simply differently-loyal, and should not be condemned for that. Embrace the variety of humanity, and allow them be true to their nature without criticism.

The phrase "differently-loyal" does make me suspect sarcasm, but just in case...

It's not particularly positive for genetic variety. Given the massive social taboo against it, offspring of a "unsanctioned" relationship will often have their parentage kept secret which can result in unfortunate issues later on, particularly in smaller populations, where half-siblings meet and marry. If anything, it's more important for genetic diversity for people living in societies to keep track of their genetic heritage to avoid consequences later on. Generally said consequences will be purely social, but there's that higher chance for genetic consequences too.

If "differently-loyal" means breaking vows to another person, causing them significant pain and hurt and being utterly dishonest to them, well, yeah, I suppose you could call it differently-loyal, but "disloyal" is probably the simpler term :P And people are socially "condemned" as you say, because of the trouble brought on their family and wider connections, which is also pretty natural.

There can be and are reasons and situations where it's more understandable and usually, quicker forgiven.

Next you'll be saying, it's not divorce, it's conscious uncoupling!!

Never mind Lucretia, you're raping this thread.

Autonomous Cowherd

If partners have an agreement to be honest then it is bad to break that agreement. The agreement might be that either can have sex elsewhere and that's grand, but more usually the agreement is that both will be sexually faithful. These agreements come about because, object as people may these days, sex is linked to emotions. We invest in a sort of sacred trust that is foundational in our lives. (Unless we agree otherwise). I don't know what kind of urgent sexual scenario could unavoidably crop up that would mean one could not postpone the breathless deed until they have behaved decently to their partner who is nobly keeping their side of the agreement intact. Let your old love know in advance of your impending alteration to the agreement. Anything else is pretty lame. It's simple really. Just be freaking honest, friends.

HellSquirrel

Oh, another point that makes cheating not particularly helpful to the human race is the spread of STDs. A secretive relationship is also built on trust, and -generally- doesn't have as much personal knowledge between the partners.

MRnotlob606

Candie wrote: »

There's more than one reason why a person might cheat. A person who's in a loveless, perhaps bullying or abusive marriage who perhaps has been denied sex, love or respect for years, is a whole different dealio to a person who just fancies a shag with a stranger without a care or second thought of their OH.

Sometimes good people do bad things, but I'd despise cheating in general.

I don't being denied sex is enough grounds to cheat on someone.

seamus

So I can't understand someone following their genitals so much that they would lose all reason.

If you want a quickie, then go home and pull/rub yourself off, problem solved.
If you've fallen for someone else, then end your current relationship before starting the next one.

But that's a very simplistic way of looking at it. There are many shades between the two extremes, reasons why someone might cheat in a way that's neither a quickie nor a romantic relationship. And many states of mind an individual can find themselves in where they aren't capable of traditionally rational thought.

Would I judge and look down on someone who is/has cheating on their partner? Yeah. But I wouldn't write them off as a despicable person. You never really know the full story, and especially when you get the "victim"'s side of the story it's very easy to paint the perpetrator as a heartless (man)whore.

I used to think so. But then, I'd say pretty much all of my male friends who are married or are in relationships have cheated,some do it wholesale. So have stopped the whole judgement thing. It's not for me, but have accepted that it's pretty widespread.

HensVassal

posturingpat wrote: »

I'm no saint, far from it but when it comes to purposely doing something that you know will hurt someone you care for or did care for people come up with far too many excuses.
Just don't do it.

Apparently humans are not monogamous by nature. So what's it going to be then? Go with nature or against it? The Catholic Church tried its utmost to force people to suppress natural instincts (masturbation, "impure" thoughts, sex for enjoyment rather than procreation, etc.). It's very rare for 2 people to completely fullfil each other's every need, looks, personality, sex drive, compassion, security, parental expertise, etc.
I'm not saying cheating is normal or natural or should just be expected, but the experts suggest that lifelong fidelity is not the norm.

Autonomous Cowherd

HensVassal wrote: »

Apparently humans are not monogamous by nature. So what's it going to be then? Go with nature or against it? The Catholic Church tried its utmost to force people to suppress natural instincts (masturbation, "impure" thoughts, sex for enjoyment rather than procreation, etc.). It's very rare for 2 people to completely fullfil each other's every need, looks, personality, sex drive, compassion, security, parental expertise, etc.
I'm not saying cheating is normal or natural or should just be expected, but the experts suggest that lifelong fidelity is not the norm.

Lifelong partnering is not really the issue though. Perhaps monogamy is unnatural. It boils down to courtesy and honesy. It's not really about sexual ''morality'' at all, whatever that is, it's more about being moral generally. If one does not wish to be monogamous then tell the other person so they know the score. Otherwise it is duplicitous.

HensVassal

GiantTcr wrote: »

Then whats the point in being in a relationship with someone if you know you want to be with someone else? If you are a good person, it's cut and dry. You leave that person you are in the relationship with, in order to be with another person. Simple really.

But it's not simple really. Take a woman who is in a marriage that has gone sour. She has children by a man and stays with the husband despite there being no love or even respect and attraction anymore. She cooks, cleans, cares for and provides for the children with very little in return. She doesn't have the wherewithall to support the children on her own should she separate from the husband so she stays for the sake of their upbringing. In secret she has met a man who knows she is married and he provides for her some tenderness and love that is so missing in her life.

Now you can go the dogmatic, black and white route by insisting that she should then split up with the husband and the other guy should provide for her and her kids, but no it's not that simple.

Autonomous Cowherd

HensVassal wrote: »

But it's not simple really. Take a woman who is in a marriage that has gone sour. She has children by a man and stays with the husband despite there being no love or even respect and attraction anymore. She cooks, cleans, cares for and provides for the children with very little in return. She doesn't have the wherewithall to support the children on her own should she separate from the husband so she stays for the sake of their upbringing. In secret she has met a man who knows she is married and he provides for her some tenderness and love that is so missing in her life.

Now you can go the dogmatic, black and white route by insisting that she should then split up with the husband and the other guy should provide for her and her kids, but no it's not that simple.

There's always some way out though, from that kind of scenario. Even if it means to be poor for a while. To live in such close intimate quarters everyday with someone who has no love or respect for you.... that's very sad.

HensVassal

HellSquirrel wrote: »

Oh, another point that makes cheating not particularly helpful to the human race is the spread of STDs. A secretive relationship is also built on trust, and -generally- doesn't have as much personal knowledge between the partners.

One doesn't have to cheat to contract or spread an STD.

GiantTcr

buried wrote: »

Its not that cut and dry though. People who are involved with other people, be it through a relationship, be it through a family, be it through a friendship, they can hurt each other all the time.
Its probably the most frequent thing that happens in any relationship in those close knit social areas. Doesn't mean any party involved is necessarily 'bad' or 'malevolent'. People p!ss each other off all the time.
Fair enough, ignoring the fact someone may be p!ssing you off and not addressing that fact and situation to the other person isn't fair either, but some folk may not want to address that situation out into the open, they may not want to for whatever reason they have themselves. They could be scared, they could be frightened to do so, they may feel they have been betrayed themselves, countless social mind pressures like that, god only knows. Doesn't make them 'bad'. That's too simplistic

I don't understand your post. If you are saying that people cheat for all sorts of reasons, of course they do. However it doesn't make it right. And if you are saying there are all sorts of pressures in life that result in peole cheating, sorry, but that doesn't wash with me. Relationships are supposed to be built on trust and life is throwing sh1t at you, the first person you should be turning to for help is your partner. If you don't have that trust then (in my opinion) the relationship is worthless and it's time to move on.

HensVassal

Autonomous Cowherd wrote: »

Lifelong partnering is not really the issue though. Perhaps monogamy is unnatural. It boils down to courtesy and honesy. It's not really about sexual ''morality'' at all, whatever that is, it's more about being moral generally. If one does not wish to be monogamous then tell the other person so they know the score. Otherwise it is duplicitous.

I agree to a certain extent. Fidelity is not the same as loyalty but open relationships are rare (except in France :P). It's rare to find someone who will tolerate their partner sleeping around.

Autonomous Cowherd

HensVassal wrote: »

I agree to a certain extent. Fidelity is not the same as loyalty but open relationships are rare (except in France :P). It's rare to find someone who will tolerate their partner sleeping around.

I agree with you too, but blech just the idea of a life full of lies. Looking at someone everyday and lying to them. I'd prefer to live in a ditch..haha. I just wouldn't see the point in having a pretend relationship. If cheating is so common as it appears to be, why can't people just sign up for that in the first place.
Anyways, shrugs. People. :rolleyes:

checkyabadself

The Rape of Lucretia wrote: »

Its a different strokes for different folks sort of thing.

More like a stroking different folks sort of thing.

I'm fiercely loyal and find anyone who cheats to be a coward who wants the best of both worlds.

I've known a handful of cheaters both male and female and they have all been spineless ****s.

HensVassal

Autonomous Cowherd wrote: »

There's always some way out though, from that kind of scenario. Even if it means to be poor for a while. To live in such close intimate quarters everyday with someone who has no love or respect for you.... that's very sad.

It's very sad. But people are risk averse, afraid of upheaval, resistant to change and fearful of the unknown even though 9 times out of 10 the change is easier and for the better once one gets over one's fear and takes the plunge no matter what the change is (career change, relationship change, complete lifestyle change, whatever). It's easier said than done and the poor woman in the hypothetical situation that I mentioned may just think that the possible consequences of her change might just not be worth the risk.

Fluffy Cat 88

People who have affairs are not necessarily "bad" people, but they're untrustworthy.

If a person cheats, always expect them to do so again. A girl who worked with me once was very shocked when her boyfriend (who cheated on, then left his wife and kids for her) moved on to the next gullible woman. What on earth did she expect? Loyalty? Monogamy?

If you obtain a partner this way, expect the inevitable. They might be a good person in every other way, but once a cheater - always a cheater.

sbsquarepants

Very little in life is ever black and white.

Some people just don't give a toss about others, we all know people (usually men it has to be said, but not exclusively) who will just fúck anyone that will have them and don't think twice about the consequences. Those people are generally assholes in every way, shape and form. I'm happy to judge these as simply bad people.
But there is a also a large cohort of people who for one reason or another are unhappy and just trying to get by - it's far too simplistic to just say end it with your partner and start again, that's fine when you're twenty and living with your parents - things get much more complicated when there are kids and mortgages and so on. These people, I try not get too judgemental with. No one really knows what goes on behind closed doors and it could simply be some man or woman striving to stay sane in cold hard world.

That being said - it just wouldn't be for me, the idea holds very little appeal for me whatsoever.

I have also noticed a tendency to blame the other man or woman. "That bitch broke up a happy family" kind of thing, which I find bizarre - if the family was all that happy, there wouldn't have been another man or woman would there!
It's a similar mindset to "she's off limits, she's married" - I don't get that one either - that means she's promised to stay away from other men, not that other men have swore to stay away from her. If you take a vow, the onus is on you to keep it, not the rest of the world!

Commotion Ocean

If a woman has an affair people say "her husband must be an arsehole".

If a man has an affair, people say "the man is an arsehole".

Either way, the finger of blame points at the man.