Are people who have affairs/cheat bad people?

sbsquarepants

sashafierce wrote: »

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I know lots to be honest - probably most would be that kind of unplanned drunken "mistake" kind of scenario. But I know a couple who have had long term affairs- I find it fascinating in a peculiar kind of way, like being a spy or an undercover cop.
It always fascinates me that you never really know what anyone is like, everyone puts on a persona, some personas are fairly close to their real self - but some are absolute inventions. People are fúcking weird!

Potatoeman

Flimpson wrote: »

I don't think anyone here thinks women are far less capable of being unfaithful than men.

He was the one bedding married women - therefore enabling their infidelity - yet their infidelity messed with his head and he had trust issues? Awesome!

He tried to convince himself they must have had a one last fling agreement with their other half but yeah he could have not done it. The guy went from one extreme to another, he was a virgin when he left college.

The_Captain

Widdershins wrote: »

Office parties sound like depressing occasions that bring out the worst in people.

90% of the time there's no fights or people getting off with other. It's people who are forced to see each other every day stuck in a room together and forced to make small talk before they go home at 11pm or go somewhere else with their friends.

professore

Oodoov wrote: »

No. Married men and married women. It's not a woman or man thing it's a human thing. Men seem to cheat more of that i've no doubt but anyone roaming around thinking married women don't are living in la la land. I didnt bother with the work xmas party this year but unfortunately had a stag event i couldnt avoid in Kilkenny in October and it's open season down there. They don't even bother removing the wedding bands it seems :pac:

Like i said i went to last years Xmas party didnt bother this year and it has happening i don't think these people where disappearing up to the hotel rooms to watch some TV tbh.

How do men cheat more? Do they cheat with other men? If you think about this for a second, if more men are cheating than women, then the women who are cheating must be at it a lot to make up for the women who don't cheat. And don't say it's women who didn't know he was married. Bullcrap. It happens the other way round too, women who pretend to be single.

sbsquarepants

The_Captain wrote: »

90% of the time there's no fights or people getting off with other. It's people who are forced to see each other every day stuck in a room together and forced to make small talk before they go home at 11pm or go somewhere else with their friends.

Sorry Captain - you may just be your companies Dave from accounts. Someone has to be.:)

zcorpian88

tomwaterford wrote: »

That's someone who had no interest in cheating....only looking for attention

What would have happened if your wan was kicking off and his lack came back???


Noone anywhere that drunk has that much lack of foresight/common sense

You really think so? God I wouldn't do that no matter how drunk I was, I'd imagine I'd never get away with it either if I did, I'd imagine myself chastised on the spot for it and rightly so. Women are more protective of the personal space so it's expected, you gotta respect their space. The victim is a friend of all of ours for about 5 years, so I was surprised he did that, and would check out other women, he'd even comment on other women, but touching another woman I thought he'd refrain from.

I was told about it by the victim of it while I was gone on holiday, she just text me randomly and told me the story, after that he was like saying "Oh you're still with yer man??" and "You're dressed up real well tonight"....like a lame attempt at flirting. She was very unhappy about what happened but didn't make a scene because she rarely goes out here and didn't want to spoil the night, the guy nearly got the head clubbed off him by the victims tank of a cousin who saw the whole thing but he was stopped very quickly before anything happened. The victims boyfriend is fair pissed off over it too, he wasn't there at the time but found out later.

It bugs me because I had this vision in my head where if you're taken, you keep your hands to yourself end of story, otherwise you're labelled some arsehole misogynist player that should be avoided. I'm annoyed for the victim of it, as well as this guys girlfriend who is oblivious that it happened.

Also I guess I should highlight I was into the perpetrators girlfriend a few years ago but she pretty much blew me off by friend zoning me after a drunken shift. Tried to woo her for about 6 or 7 weeks afterward and she wasn't really going for it, so I gave up, she funnily enough then took an interest in me and said she had feelings for me then when I moved on and found some happiness with someone else, which was fairly annoying to say the least. I stayed put because the new person wasn't kicking tyres and wasting time, and knew what she wanted from the onset.

She later went off with this guy, this "friend" of mine after just 3 days, when she came out to hang out with me on new years night a few years ago and now he's slapping some other girls posterior when his girlfriends back is turned.

Classy.

Oodoov

MeatTwoVeg wrote: »

Mostly because it's an urban legend propagated by internet fanticists.

Of course it's all an illusion.

liketochat

I think its always best to finish one relationship before starting another.Cheaters are weak and have little or no respect for there partner...i think there is always something broken in a relationship when one person cheats,,,however it causes unbelievable damage and pain to the person you once loved,,,,,so  i wuld always advise one has some have respect and end current relationship beforestarting another.......
so to summarise are they "Bad people".....not bad  necessarly but "Disrespectful,weak and self centered."....

XsApollo

That's a serious generalisation there.
Anybody who cheats or has an affair is Disrespectful , weak and self centred.
And is horsesh*t to be honest.

Widdershins

XsApollo wrote: »

That's a serious generalisation there.
Anybody who cheats or has an affair is Disrespectful , weak and self centred.
And is horsesh*t to be honest.

The act is not respectful, it's not a show of strength or determination to honour a relationship, and they're clearly not thinking of anyone else when they cheat, so it's a fair description.

tomwaterford

sashafierce wrote: »

I'm finding it all very difficult to believe. I've knowing a few people to cheat but they were all drunken nightclub cheating. I've known one married women to have an affair. Obviously I can't say this 100% but I don't know anyone in a relationship who I think would cheat on their partner.

You either know very few people,or they don't tell you about their cheating (it's not something that's spoke about too openly)


Or the majority of people I know are just an anomaly with perceived internet wisdom

HensVassal

MadDog76 wrote: »

Uhm ......... you have to cheat in order to contract an STD from outside of the relationship ......... you're now saying that one of the partners already has an STD when entering the relationship which is not at all what you earlier implied ......... thank God its not rocket science because, if it was, you'd fail miserably!

Someone implied that cheating can cause the spread of STDs.
I pointed out that you do not have to cheat to spread or contract an STD. You can do so simply by sleeping around as a single person.

Then the original post came back and re-qualified his statement.

Do I have to spell it out for you?

XsApollo

Widdershins wrote: »

The act is not respectful, it's not a show of strength or determination to honour a relationship, and they're clearly not thinking of anyone else when they cheat, so it's a fair description.

Do you or the black and white brigade hold that logic to all things in life or just cheating.

Circumstances dictate how a persons character should be judged.

For example Is a person who cheats on there lying ,abusive ,destructive partner
Held in the same regard as say someone who cheats on there loving partner who say might have be ill or has other issues that are effecting them?
I think not, I'd say one could be justified in their actions and one not.

Widdershins

XsApollo wrote: »

Do you or the black and white brigade hold that logic to all things in life or just cheating.

Circumstances dictate how a persons character should be judged.

For example Is a person who cheats on there lying ,abusive ,destructive partner
Held in the same regard as say someone who cheats on there loving partner who say might have be ill or has other issues that are effecting them?
I think not, I'd say one could be justified in their actions and one not.

All I am saying is you can't expect people to think you're not any of the things the poster listed ere as follows: ''Anybody who cheats or has an affair is Disrespectful , weak and self centred''


It's hardly something done out of respect, or strength, or consideration for others, is it? There's no two ways about that, even if the cheater is not a bad person and has tried their best in a relationship and is being treated badly. Even if they're lonely and frustrated.

There are numerous reasons why some cheating is worse than others but it still doesn't change that they're not doing it out of respect, strength or thoughtfulness. Sometimes it's the complete opposite-and sometimes it's desperation and a need for human contact. But never the above qualities.

HensVassal

Widdershins wrote: »

Me too.

I love my partner and I don't even 'see' other men in a sexual or romantic way.

Logically I could say ''why go out for a burger when you have a steak at home'' but it's been like this since the second I met him. Nobody else really exists in the same way he does, for me.

But what if you craved fish :pac:

HensVassal

sashafierce wrote: »

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????

Do you or don't you know people who have cheated? I don't understand your post at all.

daveyeh

guestb12345 wrote: »

I know a woman who is cheating on her husband. I can't get over how such a seemingly nice person can be doing something so horrible to the man.

Are you bad for not telling him?

HensVassal

professore wrote: »

How do men cheat more? Do they cheat with other men? If you think about this for a second, if more men are cheating than women, then the women who are cheating must be at it a lot to make up for the women who don't cheat. And don't say it's women who didn't know he was married. Bullcrap. It happens the other way round too, women who pretend to be single.

The women they cheat with are single, for example.

sashafierce

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sashafierce

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XsApollo

Widdershins wrote: »

All I am saying is you can't expect people to think you're not any of the things the poster listed ere as follows: ''Anybody who cheats or has an affair is Disrespectful , weak and self centred''


It's hardly something done out of respect, or strength, or consideration for others, is it? There's no two ways about that, even if the cheater is not a bad person and has tried their best in a relationship and is being treated badly. Even if they're lonely and frustrated.

There are numerous reasons why some cheating is worse than others but it still doesn't change that they're not doing it out of respect, strength or thoughtfulness. Sometimes it's the complete opposite-and sometimes it's desperation and a need for human contact. But never the above qualities.

Do you think that if a person cheats regardless of their situation that they are a disrespectful, weak and a self centred person?
Which is what the post I first quoted said.

Widdershins

XsApollo wrote: »

Do you think that if a person cheats regardless of their situation that they are a disrespectful, weak and a self centred person?
Which is what the post I first quoted said.

But you can rarely judge a whole person on one act, mainly because there are different motivations for it.

I think the ACT is disrespectful, weak and self centred.

How could it be anything else?

However, some people have more understandable reasons for doing it.

Some people are 'driven' to very heavy drinking because of an overload of negativity in life. Some people are heavy drinkers because they don't care about moderation and are greedy.

The heavy drinking is no less bad in either case.

(Alcoholics are a separate category as it's an illness.)

XsApollo

Widdershins wrote: »

But you can rarely judge a whole person on one act, mainly because there are different motivations for it.

I think the ACT is disrespectful, weak and self centred.

How could it be anything else?

However, some people have more understandable reasons for doing it.

I agree with you the act is what it is.

A lot of acts are bad but the person doing the act can be many things depending on circumstances and can't all be tainted with same brush.

Widdershins

XsApollo wrote: »

I agree with you the act is what it is.

A lot of acts are bad but the person doing the act can be many things depending on circumstances and can't all be tainted with same brush.

I don't know though. I think I would see it as having done a bad thing, albeit for a good reason. Or been a bad person -in that moment-good/valid- reason.

I don't think having a good excuse lessens anything.

How many times can a good person do a bad thing and still consider themself a good person? As often as they feel they have an excuse for?

XsApollo

Widdershins wrote: »

I don't know though. I think I would see it as having done a bad thing, albeit for a good reason. Or been a bad person -in that moment-good/valid- reason.

I don't think having a good excuse lessens anything.

How many times can a good person do a bad thing and still consider themself a good person? As often as they feel they have an excuse for?

That's the thing tho imo a good person won't do something bad unless there is a valid reason and it doesn't make them a bad person for doing it.
Where as a bad person will do what they want regardless.

Killing someone for example.
Is Padraig Nally a bad person for killing the frog.
Or a father who kills the person that molested there child,
can't be held in the same breath as a thief who killed someone to rob them.
They have all killed someone, but are very different people.



Anyway I sort of agree with you but not totally :-P
Bad people do bad things.
Good people can do bad things if they have reason to.

Trimm Trabb

What a corrupt politician or businessman who is devoted to their wife - is that a good man?

Or a a philander who spends his days helping the poor or sick - is that a bad man?

MadDog76

HensVassal wrote: »

Someone implied that cheating can cause the spread of STDs.
I pointed out that you do not have to cheat to spread or contract an STD. You can do so simply by sleeping around as a single person.

Then the original post came back and re-qualified his statement.

Do I have to spell it out for you?

Well, if you don't mind me saying, you're kind of stating the obvious there ......... of course promiscuous single people can cause the spread of STD's but that has zero bearing on the fact that cheating can also cause the spread of STD's ......... they aren't mutually exclusive scenario's.

A couple, who are STD-free and faithful to eachother, won't contract an STD therefore, by default, will not spread STD's.

Widdershins

XsApollo wrote: »

That's the thing tho imo a good person won't do something bad unless there is a valid reason and it doesn't make them a bad person for doing it.
Where as a bad person will do what they want regardless.

Killing someone for example.
Is Padraig Nally a bad person for killing the frog.
Or a father who kills the person that molested there child,
can't be held in the same breath as a thief who killed someone to rob them.
They have all killed someone, but are very different people.



Anyway I sort of agree with you but not totally :-P
Bad people do bad things.
Good people can do bad things if they have reason to.

I agree you can remain an essentially good person despite doing bad things for certain reasons.

I think I could easily become a bad person once I started doing bad things that I justified to myself each time, though. I could keep justifying and keep doing bad things. Not necessarily anything that harms others, but I get into bad habits if I *allow myself* to because I have an *excuse*. Sometimes I have to disciplined despite my excuses

XsApollo

Widdershins wrote: »

I agree you can remain an essentially good person despite doing bad things for certain reasons.

I think I could easily become a bad person once I started doing bad things that I justified to myself each time, though. I could keep justifying and keep doing bad things. Not necessarily anything that harms others, but I get into bad habits if I *allow myself* to because I have an *excuse*. Sometimes I have to disciplined despite my excuses

Well you need a valid reason obviously :-P
You can't just start doing what you like and use some crap excuse to justify it.
Then you will be a bad person yes :-)

Widdershins

XsApollo wrote: »

Well you need a valid reason obviously :-P
You can't just start doing what you like and use some crap excuse to justify it.
Then you will be a bad person yes :-)

My excuses probably would be considered valid..I'm thinking back to times when I was treated badly by others and did things I wouldn't have done if I wasn't under stress.
For a while I took the easier option of taking comfort/relief in making a bad choice.
A lot of people would say I wasn't a bad person even if I had continued to do the same things for as long as I was in a negative situation.

Maybe I'd never have made the right choice if I'd indulged myself and told myself ''it's ok because you're in a bad situation''.

XsApollo

Widdershins wrote: »

My excuses probably would be considered valid..I'm thinking back to times when I was treated badly by others and did things I wouldn't have done if I wasn't under stress.
For a while I took the easier option of taking comfort/relief in making a bad choice.
A lot of people would say I wasn't a bad person even if I had continued to do the same things for as long as I was in a negative situation.

Maybe I'd never have made the right choice if I'd indulged myself and told myself ''it's ok because you're in a bad situation''.

Things you wouldn't have done had you been treated properly, which doesn't make you a bad person.
I've been in a similar situation myself as to what this thread is.
After been told like it or lump it for long enough, I think I was fully justified in finally saying you know what " you like it or lump it" .
Doesn't make me weak, disrespectful , or self centred.

Dyr

I'd say there's many of us would never have been born if it was'nt for humanities instinct to do a bit milking outside the bucket

Did they ever bring in mandatory testing for parentage? Say that would be interesting

professore

HensVassal wrote: »

The women they cheat with are single, for example.

Plenty of single men cheat with married women. And in my view you are pretty much as bad as the cheater if you go with a married person. And most of them know they are married.

tomwaterford

professore wrote: »

Plenty of single men cheat with married women. And in my view you are pretty much as bad as the cheater if you go with a married person. And most of them know they are married.

Your not....if your single. ...you owe noone nothing,it's the other person is 100% wrong in this instance

It's not your job to care whether they cheat or not

Goya

tomwaterford wrote: »

Your not....if your single. ...you owe noone nothing,it's the other person is 100% wrong in this instance

I disagree with professore that the single person is as bad as the cheater but I also disagree that the single person has no responsibility - they have of course; they are the one enabling the cheating! It wouldn't happen without them. It might not be 50/50 but it can't be 100% the cheater when it takes two to tango.

StudentDad

Flimpson wrote: »

I disagree with professore that the single person is as bad as the cheater but I also disagree that the single person has no responsibility - they have of course; they are the one enabling the cheating! It wouldn't happen without them. It might not be 50/50 but it can't be 100% the cheater when it takes two to tango.

I have to agree there. It's that integrity bit again. Playing with married people to my mind is offside. I'd go so far as to call it selfish, predatory behaviour.

SD

tomwaterford

Flimpson wrote: »

I disagree with professore that the single person is as bad as the cheater but I also disagree that the single person has no responsibility - they have of course; they are the one enabling the cheating! It wouldn't happen without them. It might not be 50/50 but it can't be 100% the cheater when it takes two to tango.

Nah....il have to disagree tbh


It's not their job to care....if the person cheating not cheating with you...they will be someone else

sbsquarepants

Bambi wrote: »

I'd say there's many of us would never have been born if it was'nt for humanities instinct to do a bit milking outside the bucket

Did they ever bring in mandatory testing for parentage? Say that would be interesting

I read a statistic before that worldwide 16% of assumed paternity is actually wrong - that's more than 1 in 7 "fathers" aren't actually the father!
Now that seems alarmingly high to me, but that was the number they quoted (can't remember where it was I read it - i'll try find it)

EDIT - I've tried to find that article but can't, the generally accepted figure seems to around 5%. Still alarmingly high if you ask me.

tomwaterford wrote: »

Nah....il have to disagree tbh


It's not their job to care....if the person cheating not cheating with you...they will be someone else

I'm entirely with Tom. Milfy Milfington promises her hubby she'll lay off the strange, that has absolutely no bearing on me. I don't care if you keep the promises you make or not, unless that is you're making them to me or to someone I care about.

sashafierce

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Widdershins

tomwaterford wrote: »

Nah....il have to disagree tbh


It's not their job to care....if the person cheating not cheating with you...they will be someone else

You could apply that to a lot of things. If I don't steal this car with the keys left in the ignition, someone else will.

If enough people shared the attitude that the won't get involve with married people, married people won't have anyone to cheat with

Walter H Price

sashafierce wrote: »

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What about if all you want is no stings attached sex ?? that's as good with a married person as it is with a singleton in my experience, so no real concern about how it ends. The onus totally isn't on the non married or committed person they have made no commitment or vow to anybody, so why should they care.

sashafierce

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Walter H Price

sashafierce wrote: »

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what about if the married person comes on to you ? what happens to there marriage family etc is on there head to be honest its their vow to keep or break not the other persons, that's the way i'd have always viewed it.

I was never looking for either of the married people i slept with to leave there family or whatever , i didn't pursue either of them, one i actually met out and didn't even know she was married until we'd already slept together a few times, but i wouldn't knock a gift horse in the mouth either , if they were game i wasn't saying no.

sashafierce

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Widdershins

Is an affair with a married person not a bit like being an accomplice.

Drumpot

Walter H Price wrote: »

What about if all you want is no stings attached sex ?? that's as good with a married person as it is with a singleton in my experience, so no real concern about how it ends. The onus totally isn't on the non married or committed person they have made no commitment or vow to anybody, so why should they care.

Its a dangerously ignorant way to absolve yourself of personal responsibility. The phrase "own your sh*t" comes to mind. Its not a question of why you should care, more a question of taking responsibility for the consequences of your actions.

If you know a person is married and continue to have an affair, you are as much a part of the fallout as the person cheating. Its a total cop out attitude that you suggested. It would be like a soldier killing innocent people saying "well if I didn't do it, somebody else would of" as if they have no accountability for their actions.

If all you want is "no strings attached sex" with a married person you might need to take take a long hard look at your moral compass .

Walter H Price

sashafierce wrote: »

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Still wouldn't view that as my responsibility , i never made any commitment to them to be honest i never even met the husbands of one of those two married women ... whatever happens after is on the person who broke their vows etc... they made a commitment , they broke it simple as.

I wouldn't want my OH to cheat on me , i believe the lesson i leaned from the two married women i was with was to be fully involved in the relationship and make sure shes satisfied emotionally and sexually, be open communicate and stay in tune ... if she did cheat, my sense of anger and upset would come more at my own failing then at her infidelity.

professore

tomwaterford wrote: »

Nah....il have to disagree tbh


It's not their job to care....if the person cheating not cheating with you...they will be someone else

By that logic people who are drug dealers, or push drink on a recovering alcoholic, or giving a known murderer a gun are doing nothing wrong either. "Sure if I don't do it someone else will"

professore

Flimpson wrote: »

I disagree with professore that the single person is as bad as the cheater but I also disagree that the single person has no responsibility - they have of course; they are the one enabling the cheating! It wouldn't happen without them. It might not be 50/50 but it can't be 100% the cheater when it takes two to tango.

Well not as bad as the cheater, but definitely is a bad thing to do.

Drumpot

Walter H Price wrote: »

Still wouldn't view that as my responsibility , i never made any commitment to them to be honest i never even met the husbands of one of those two married women ... whatever happens after is on the person who broke their vows etc... they made a commitment , they broke it simple as.

I wouldn't want my OH to cheat on me , i believe the lesson i leaned from the two married women i was with was to be fully involved in the relationship and make sure shes satisfied emotionally and sexually, be open communicate and stay in tune ... if she did cheat, my sense of anger and upset would come more at my own failing then at her infidelity.

Of course you don't view it as your responsibility . . You have already slept with married people, having to face up to the damage you might of caused wouldn't be easy. Self delusion is strong in people who have done things they know deep down are morally corrupt.



If your comments are genuine, nobody will be able to educate you on what you have done wrong. You are already justifying your actions which gives people an idea of your interpretation of whats acceptable and what you feel responsible for.

To be frank, its a desperately selfish, self absorbed attitude, but don't let that get in the way of you taking care of yourself.