33 years later and still upsets me

payments2017

I am 39 years old. When I was 6 years old both my parents were killed in a car accident. Fortunately I survived. I was asleep so don't remember the accident, my only recollection is the ambulance man lifting me into an ambulance. It was Christmas Eve and my parents were driving home from a friend's dinner party. No seatbelts on, and my mother was drunk.
I was brought up by my mother's sister and her husband. They didn't have any kids, but tried their best. My aunt was a heavy smoker and drinker, and died from a heart attack aged 64, that was 10 years ago.
As my uncle wasn't a blood relative I never really bonded with him; and we lost touch gradually after my aunt died. He couldn't cope with the grief and became an alcoholic.
So its 33 years ago, but it still upsets me. Seeing all the ads featuring families and happy kids at Christmas. Seeing them in shops makes me feel I missed out on all that too.
I don't have any kids myself, so don't celebrate Christmas at all to be honest.
Don't get me wrong, if one has parents and kids; then I think its lovely to get together, and exchange presents.
I just thought by now I would be able to get over it, but Christmas just stirs it all up again.
I find Christmas Eve really hard, and feel bad I can't enjoy it like normal people, as I just associate it with losing my parents.
Over the years I tried bereavement counselling, and groups. But I didn't find them any use really. I just felt worse talking to others, and hearing their own stories.
They say time is a great healer, maybe for some; but it hasn't been for me.
Another thing they say is you don't miss what you never had; but I do.
So does anyone else here struggle with Christmas like I do?

jonon9

That's a strong first post and I am sorry for your loss.

lazygal

This is really moving, you've been through the mill op. No wonder you feel this way.

brevity

That's a very sad story OP. Christmas is very hard for a lot of people so I would say that you are not alone in your thinking.

Do you have any friends that you could head over to for Christmas Day?

Grueller

I was never bothered with Christmas for years op. I never hadid as strong as reason as yours, and I am genuinely sorry for all of the losses you have encountered throughout you relatively young life.
What changed things for me was meeting my wife and also having kids of my own. Having somebody to share it with makes it. Your op suggests you know all of this and hopefully you will find somebody that will help you to enjoy Christmas.
Best wishes.

payments2017

Thank you for your kind words.
I used to go to my aunt and uncles for Christmas, but found it depressing; as they were as sad as I was; and used to always get out the family photo album and want to tell stories about my parents.
But rather than it being a comfort, it left me more upset.
So I stopped going to them when my aunt died.
I have had girlfriends over the years and gone to their parents for dinner.
But I found it exhausting having to put on a brave face and smile; when inside I am feeling very upset. Partners and their families have been very understanding; but its horrible knowing people are trying too hard to be nice and not mention it; when one can tell they are thinking it.
I don't like spoiling others day so I started to volunteer in my local hospice; just chatting to the elderly that have no family, helping to serve them dinner.
I always try to remember that there are others far worse off than me, and would gladly trade places with me.

whoopsadoodles

I had the opposite experience to you. I survived a car accident in which my two children were killed.

I saw on another thread someone say that road fatalities at Christmas are the same as any time of year, and I had a whole post written out in the thread but never posted. There's no good time of year to lose your family in a car accident, but as someone who had that happen during the summer, I really believe it must be particularly difficult at Christmas.

I find Christmas hard, but in a totally contradictory way, that's the reason I love it so much. I find that it's the time I'm reminded of what I do have and who I have around me and moreso I love doing stuff for others at this time of year. I'm sorry that you don't feel like that. I know it's an incredibly difficult time of year for so many.

James Bond Junior

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

I had the opposite experience to you. I survived a car accident in which my two children were killed.

I saw on another thread someone say that road fatalities at Christmas are the same as any time of year, and I had a whole post written out in the thread but never posted. There's no good time of year to lose your family in a car accident, but as someone who had that happen during the summer, I really believe it must be particularly difficult at Christmas.

I find Christmas hard, but in a totally contradictory way, that's the reason I love it so much. I find that it's the time I'm reminded of what I do have and who I have around me and moreso I love doing stuff for others at this time of year. I'm sorry that you don't feel like that. I know it's an incredibly difficult time of year for so many.

Fair play for posting this time. Sorry for your loss, I bet you have two angels with you no matter where you are.

payments2017

Over the years others have said similar; so I agree with you.
They said the best cure would be to have kids of my own; so I can celebrate my own family Christmas; turn it from negative to positive.
But if I am honest its always been a problem for partners to take on; me being upset at Christmas when for them is a happy time.
I don't blame them, as I wouldn't want to have to put up with myself on a happy family day either. So not attending to avoid it, often upset them and they and their families took offence.
It just makes me paranoid thinking everyone in the is feeling sorry for me. I don't want pity, I just want to feel normal about Christmas like they do.

BorneTobyWilde

Posting this in the Social and Fun After Hours thread is making be suspect of the truth of all this.

kjl

You poor thing, I could only imagine how hard that was for you.

I wish you all the best.

whoopsadoodles

payments2017 wrote: »

Over the years others have said similar; so I agree with you.
They said the best cure would be to have kids of my own; so I can celebrate my own family Christmas; turn it from negative to positive.
But if I am honest its always been a problem for partners to take on; me being upset at Christmas when for them is a happy time.
I don't blame them, as I wouldn't want to have to put up with myself on a happy family day either. So not attending to avoid it, often upset them and they and their families took offence.
It just makes me paranoid thinking everyone in the is feeling sorry for me. I don't want pity, I just want to feel normal about Christmas like they do.

Normal is such an individual thing.

If you try to feel someone else's normal then you'll drive yourself insane.

payments2017

Thank you for sharing that. I am really sorry for your loss.
It always makes me realise I am not the only one when I hear others stories.
I can't imagine losing kids, I would say that is harder than losing parents.
I don't know what it is, but Christmas just seems to magnify my feelings. I often think if it happened on another day of the year I would cope better.
I suppose your late childrens birthdays must be hard to deal with, and of course their anniversaries too.
Does time passed lessen the pain for you?

payments2017

You speak the truth there.
For years I put on an act as best I can; and pretended I was OK about it.
I suppose I was in denial really, the only way I could cope.
Friends and family were good about it, and tried their best. But it always came up, like my feelings, in conversation. After a few drinks my parents would inevitably be mentioned and I would have to go through the same questions and sympathy.
This might sound weird, but I actually hated the sympathy more than anything. People feeling sorry for me. It made me feel like a victim, and reminded me I am damaged goods.
To be honest, I used to cope just by getting drunk on the day and switching off. Numbing the pain.

payments2017

Thank you for your kind words.

GritBiscuit

Don't listen to what "they say" - those are fluffy clichés. Traumatic events leave indelible scars on us - sometimes those scars define us, sometimes they motivate us, in some cases they drown us.

Don't feel alone or odd either - there's many who have battled adversity and unimaginable pain...plenty still do and inevitably some days/dates are much harder than others.

Bravo on the volunteering - it helps to keep perspective. I do much the same for similar reasons and while it doesn't fill the gnawing gap, it does remind that there's many out there that would give their right arm to have my healthy, relatively happy life as it is today.

All the best OP

payments2017

Thanks for the advice.
Don't get me wrong, the rest of the year I am quite a positive person. By January I am beginning to get back to normal and feel positive about the New Year.
I used to save up and take a holiday abroad, and just get away from it all.
But in the last few years I started volunteering at my local hospice, and actually enjoy it.
It keeps my mind off it more than anything, and I figured it was a waste of a day just staying at home getting drunk, or doing the same on holiday.
I find the counsellors no use at all really, as they just listened but never really offered any advice like you have.
I find more than anything, being around people helps. One thing I have learned is being alone and drinking doesn't.

JeffKenna

Sorry for your loss OP. Christmas is a very upsetting time having lost your family. I know it's difficult but perhaps you need to attempt to turn your thoughts around a little. It's not like you don't have a family, you still do...they're just not with you. It may sound off the wall but try and remember some positive memories you have of them, or if you are with relatives and the conversation veers towards your parents ask them for some funny/nice stories to bring a positive thought in your mind as opposed to them being defined by the accident they died in?

payments2017

Thank you for your kind words.
In theory what you suggest sounds right; but in reality its not so easy.
I know its not a permanent feeling, just as Christmas Eve isn't.
I generally go through this every year and the week before and after are when it peaks, or rather my feeling is most upset.
I look forward to the New Year as much as anyone, and my birthday.
Ironically what makes it worse, is people like yourself (no offence implied); with the greatest intentions, try to advise me whats best.
What I mean is people that haven't been through it, try to tell me what I should be doing to cope.
I know you mean well, as do others; but sometimes good advice just isn't the medicine one needs.
So far I have found holidays and the hospice volunteering to have done me more good than the years of counselling ever did.

payments2017

payments2017 wrote: »

You speak the truth there.
For years I put on an act as best I can; and pretended I was OK about it.
I suppose I was in denial really, the only way I could cope.
Friends and family were good about it, and tried their best. But it always came up, like my feelings, in conversation. After a few drinks my parents would inevitably be mentioned and I would have to go through the same questions and sympathy.
This might sound weird, but I actually hated the sympathy more than anything. People feeling sorry for me. It made me feel like a victim, and reminded me I am damaged goods.
To be honest, I used to cope just by getting drunk on the day and switching off. Numbing the pain.

Wow, this resonated with me so much. I feel exactly the same way about a loss I had. I wrote about a while back and revisited the thread recently: http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=97845709

I don't want anyone's sympathy. I just want to be treated normal. I don't want anyone to tip toe around any issue in my presence. My housemate recently told some story alluding to suicide and suddenly stopped the story and started apologising profusely to me. I think I'm more equipped to deal with that issue than anyone else. People may treat me like damaged goods, but I do not for a second believe that I am. Everyone has their own **** that they've gone through. I see people more ****ed up than I am that have had perfect upbringings. I feel like this lifelong pain and experience has humbled me if anything.

I'm not going to try and give you advice but I'll say how I've come to make it easier.

I avoid drinking excessively. I love going out on a big bender, but the hangovers can be absolute killers. Christmas is essentially an enormous bender. Everyone is home from abroad, there is always an excuse to go to the pub. I don't take any days off from work anymore. It's my excuse to head home before midnight. If you have a week or two off and if your not careful, you can find yourself going out almost every night for a week+. That completely destroyed me in the past. I would keep drinking every day just to push back the hangover. I'd lose weight, spend stupid amounts of money that I didn't have. Just feel miserable 24/7. I'd have to get ****faced on Christmas day just so I would feel normal.

Moving out of home made a big difference. I've tried to break any rituals I had growing up but creating new ones is essential. I don't bother with mass. I skip the pub on christmas eve. I sometimes skip the big poker game on christmas night. I now go for a drive out to killiney around noon, go for a swim (even though I hate cold water..!), go for a 10k jog, then I'm feeling great and ready for the day. I know exercise isn't for everyone but its done wonders for my mental health over the past few years.

I do not try and deny the pain. I now expect to get somewhat miserable around the anniversary every year. I used to think I was over it. I am not. I never will be. I have just learned to cope better. It's taken me a long, long time but I've learned to forgive.

MarkR

whoopsadoodles wrote: »

I had the opposite experience to you. I survived a car accident in which my two children were killed.

I saw on another thread someone say that road fatalities at Christmas are the same as any time of year, and I had a whole post written out in the thread but never posted. There's no good time of year to lose your family in a car accident, but as someone who had that happen during the summer, I really believe it must be particularly difficult at Christmas.

I find Christmas hard, but in a totally contradictory way, that's the reason I love it so much. I find that it's the time I'm reminded of what I do have and who I have around me and moreso I love doing stuff for others at this time of year. I'm sorry that you don't feel like that. I know it's an incredibly difficult time of year for so many.

Jesus. Just goes to show, you never know what people are going through.

I hope ye all have some joy over the holidays.

Mr.Plough

payments2017 wrote: »

You speak the truth there.
For years I put on an act as best I can; and pretended I was OK about it.
I suppose I was in denial really, the only way I could cope.
Friends and family were good about it, and tried their best. But it always came up, like my feelings, in conversation. After a few drinks my parents would inevitably be mentioned and I would have to go through the same questions and sympathy.
This might sound weird, but I actually hated the sympathy more than anything. People feeling sorry for me. It made me feel like a victim, and reminded me I am damaged goods.
To be honest, I used to cope just by getting drunk on the day and switching off. Numbing the pain.

Know exactly what you mean. My mother committed suicide 10 years ago (I was 19 at the time), and for years I completely avoided any talk of it as I hated the feeling of people feeling sorry for me or that I was 'damaged'.

But I've come to realise that unless you break down when someone asks about it (in which case I recommend you talk to someone about properly dealing and coming to terms with your pain, getting drunk is not the right way of doing this), they are most likely not feeling sorry for you, but respect you more as a person for having been able to deal with such a tragedy, as well as appreciating what they have a little more, which is only a good thing.

reminded me I am damaged goods

You say damaged, I'd say resilient. Chin up, we've a very short time on this planet and your parents would have wanted you to make the most of it.


Edit: I second the post above about avoiding excessive amounts of alcohol (especially if you have a family history of alcohol abuse, like we do), and exercising. Both are essential imo

Birneybau

BorneTobyWilde wrote: »

Posting this in the Social and Fun After Hours thread is making be suspect of the truth of all this.

I'm glad everyone else ignored this but I can't. What on Earth do you think the o.p. would be trying to gain if they made this up? You need your head checked.

dar100

This thread made me cry, people are so strong, to manage these feelings and thoughts not just at holidays, but throughout the year takes strength!!

boardsuser1

OP i fully sympathise with you and can understand how hard it must have been. I myself was abandoned by my teenage mother at 2 years old.

I only met my father for the first time when I was 25, he had no interest whatsoever in me.

I was raised by my grandmother assisted by a combination of my uncles and aunts, this lasted 11 years, in that time I suffered physical,mental and sexual abuse.

I was placed into state care at 13 and from there only had the chance to live some bit of a normal life.

Upon leaving care at 18 I had no family whatsoever on both sides and had to make the best I could of the life I was handed.

I am now a father of 4 and would literally die to protect my kids from the life I had.

I get questions from my kids as to why they have no aunts/uncles/ grandparents etc on my side which is difficult, especially as they are all still alive and have blanked me on the street with the kids.

My situation is not as bad as yours but I would gladly trade.

Feel awkward writing what I just did, thankfully I'm anonymous here otherwise I wouldn't have said it.

ForstalDave

Have you thought about saving up during the year and going away for one of the Christmases, do somthing you always dreamed of doing (not just a sun holiday) try and make it a time when you can go away experience new things