Can/Have you ever stayed friends with an ex after breaking up?

Dr Crayfish

bodice ripper wrote: »

I am very good friends with my ex boyfriend. He lives in the UK, and we travel to see each other. It is entirely doable.

Do you both have partners now? I don't think many people would be happy with their partners effing off abroad to visit an ex!

_Whimsical_

Train Dragon wrote: »

There's one ex I cant be friends with as I loved her too much, even though I was the one who finished it.

It's almost a compliment to an ex if you cant be just friends with them in my humble opinion.

I think this is occasionally true but relatively rare. A lot of exes are out of your life for a very good reason. I definitely have at least one I would not accept as a friend, who I'd never want in my life again on the basis of him being, in my view, not a very nice person.
I'd definitely think it's more a compliment to want to be friends or at least friendly, particularly after a decent amount of time has passed. In the beginning it's always awkward but after the initial wound has healed I think you're more likely to be ok with having a decent person somewhere in your life.

catbear

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

I'd definitely think it's more a compliment to want to be friends or at least friendly, particularly after a decent amount of time has passed. In the beginning it's always awkward but after the initial wound has healed I think you're more likely to be ok with having a decent person somewhere in your life.

See this I don't agree with.

When a relationship ends there really isn't anything to salvage unless there's already a common social or professional group to be considered.

This compliment thing is just needy vanity ploy.

The flying mouse

What about if the relationship drifts apart, as in you don't live in the same countries, You both call it a day, but then one says we can still be friends, We are mature adults ? Would you keep in contact & drop in to say hello when home if one asked ?

_Whimsical_

catbear wrote: »

See this I don't agree with.

When a relationship ends there really isn't anything to salvage unless there's already a common social or professional group to be considered.

This compliment thing is just needy vanity ploy.

To be honest , I wouldn't think of these things in terms of compliment at all myself, I was just replying to that post and it got me thinking. The people I still think fondly of and happy to greet in the street or if they ring are the people who may have hurt me but I consider genuine, decent people. I'm glad they're doing well, I care if they're not. The people I'd think "oh no" if I saw or wouldn't answer to are the ones I was left with little respect for and would think "this person will be a headf*** now".
Of course that's after the passage of time, it takes a lot of it to get over some people and you can only clearly see them, and your own reaction to them , objecively once all wounds are healed.

catbear

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

To be honest , I wouldn't think of these things in terms of compliment at all myself, I was just replying to that post and it got me thinking. The people I still think fondly of and happy to greet in the street or if they ring are the people who may have hurt me but I consider genuine, decent people. I'm glad they're doing well, I care if they're not. The people I'd think "oh no" if I saw or wouldn't answer to are the ones I was left with little respect for and would think "this person will be a headf*** now".
Of course that's after the passage of time, it takes a lot of it to get over some people and you can only clearly see them, and your own reaction to them , objecively once all wounds are healed.

Well I was coming from the point of view that when a relationship has finished on neutral terms, there's no point in trying to create something artificial, like a faux friendship.

Move on. I wouldn't spend any more energy in complimentary friendships. Great if it happens naturally but I see no reason pursue it, unless you live in a small town in the outback where you're stuck with the same people for years.

_Whimsical_

catbear wrote: »

Well I was coming from the point of view that when a relationship has finished on neutral terms, there's no point in trying to create something artificial, like a faux friendship.

Move on. I wouldn't spend any more energy in complimentary friendships. Great if it happens naturally but I see no reason pursue it, unless you live in a small town in the outback where you're stuck with the same people for years.

Absolutely, who needs artifice. I can imagine nothing worse than a "complimentary friendship".
I think we had crossed wires.

catbear

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

I think we had crossed wires.

Hopefully that's all! I am suspicious we may have crossed paths.

_Whimsical_

catbear wrote: »

Hopefully that's all! I am suspicious we may have crossed paths.

Oh, curious! *raises eyebrow*

Well if you're judging that on these two or three messages know I am imagining you must have an ex who is friendly to all their other exes but is rolling their eyes and giving you their "hmmmph" face everytime they see you coming!

I think you're female though so it's not me, I have no female exes .

catbear

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

Oh, curious! *raises eyebrow*

Well if you're judging that on these two or three messages know I am imagining you must have an ex who is friendly to all their other exes but is rolling their eyes and giving you their "hmmmph" face everytime they see you coming!

I think you're female though so it's not me, I have no female exes .

I'm not female but I've had exes who've wanted to make friend projects afterwards. I'll withdraw now while it's safe to do so.

bodice ripper

Dr Crayfish wrote: »

Do you both have partners now? I don't think many people would be happy with their partners effing off abroad to visit an ex!

We are in our thirties and forties - we know better than to have partners like that.

Shergar6

This is interesting to me. I'm pretty friendly with my exes, there were no horrible break-ups so i have no problem chatting to them if i bump into them. It's always a bit awkward at first but when you live in a small town you have to get over it and time does help that.

I do have a friend who dated a girl for 4 years (from 16+ ) and had to move away for work, they tried the long distance thing for a year and it just didn't work. They were both pretty cut up about it but in saying that they both moved on super fast with others. The girl dated her next boyfriend for 4 years up until last year and my mate dated a lot of girls. I don't think they talked at first but then they must have got over it and hung out (same story - small town, share the same friends so they had to get over it)

Anyway, my mate has been dating a mutual friend of theirs for nearly 2 years. They all go on holiday together (with other friends of course, it's not that weird haha) , the girlfriend even stayed once at home because she had to work while the boyfriend and the ex etc all went skiing!! There honestly doesn't seem to be any issues there at all. At first i thought sure it was going to end in tears, especially when Girlfriend #1 became single (that they'd end up getting back together) but no, he's still going strong with #2. They all went to Spain together in the summer and seemed to be having a ball judging by facebook pictures. It's weird to me but at the same time i think it's great that all 3 parties seem cool with it. The girlfriend must be super laid back about it all becuase i don't know many girls who would be ok with that, and she must be because there's no way you'd put up with it if you suspected there were still feelings between them.

What's even more complicated is the ex is really good-looking, like she could be a model. The new gf is definitely attractive and the coolest girl ever but i would imagine any girl would be insecure around #1, but obviously she's confident in herself and her relationship. In fairness, my mate does seem mad about her so i don't think she needs to worry.

It's definitely an interesting topic though.

leggo

Yeah I think it's kinda (but even then not completely) different when they went out in school from a very young age. You almost don't count them relationships, though in your friend's case 4 years is still 4 years regardless of the age. And in a big mixed gang you're also bound to get some inbreeding so it's something the involved parties have to just deal with if you're not going to go venturing outside the pack.

HalloweenJack

I don't think it's impossible, I know plenty who have done it.

However, I can't do it. I've tried with my three exes and it always ends in tears because of unresolved feelings. IME, it's just not worth the hassle.

catbear

HalloweenJack wrote: »

However, I can't do it. I've tried with my three exes and it always ends in tears because of unresolved feelings.

THat's the problem. It's one thing to deal with losing someone who you're used to being around and then compounding that estrangement with a forced friendship where there may have not been one before. It can be akin to walking up to a stranger and saying hey lets be close friends.

As someone said earlier it only works easily if you were already friends before you were an exclusive couple.

HalloweenJack

catbear wrote: »

As someone said earlier it only works easily if you were already friends before you were an exclusive couple.

Again, I can only go on my experiences, but two out of three of my exes were friends before anything happened and it was a case of just not being able to go back to how things had been before.

MadDog76

Tried it once, it wasn't for me ........... there's always one that is pretending to be just friends because he/she still loves his/her ex and they're clinging onto desperate hope ......... the pretence can last for years but if/when the truth eventually comes out the oblivious ex is left reeling ........ and that's when it gets really messy!

Potential-Monke

It all depends on the circumstances. I'm not close friends with any ex's, but i would be friendly with them if i meet them. The first serious girlfriend i had (7 years), she's now married with 2 kids, but we kinda kept in contact for a while. She kissed someone else, and while it was quick and "unintended", and even though i gave it another go after that, i just couldn't trust her anymore, so i ended it amicably. Her mother still loves me...

Second serious girlfriend (also 7 years, pattern....), i met a few times after the break up. She actually started dating another Guard after me (i'm no longer one, but i warned her...), and she was asking about him if i knew anything about him. She's now also married...

Just as an aside, i'm like Good Luck Chuck, they both got married to their next partners. So single ladies, if ye are willing to try......

s4uv3

God ye're all very mature and sound towards ex's.
Mine are all a shower of stupid bastards that I childishly love to hate and bitch about

Cupcake_Crisis

I try my best to be friendly with exs, but wouldn't say I'm friends with any. The circumstances of the break up really determine how easy it is. In anything that ended amicably I find it very easy, and would have a genuine interest in how their getting on. I've one ex that cheated and being friends with her is an absolute challenge.

AppleBottle

I'm friends/friendly with my exes.

Two of them I was friends with before we were together. We got together and broke up eventually and remained friends ever since. I actually saw both over Christmas. One lives in Canada with his girlfriend of like 8 or so years now and the other is has been in another relationship for the last 3 or so years.

I met my last ex on a night out and through mutual friends who were in a relationship at the time. We broke up on good terms and I see him from time to time. Not so much anymore since the mutual friends we knew broke up, but still do the odd time.

Lau2976

I'm friends with a few of my exes and very close friends with one.

I can understand people who find it hard to be friends with exes but it makes me happy to know that he's happy with the girl he's with. She's lovely and they both deserve to be happy.

catbear

s4uv3 wrote: »

God ye're all very mature and sound towards ex's.
Mine are all a shower of stupid bastards that I childishly love to hate and bitch about

I had one ex that made my skin crawl every time I saw her and unfortunately we were living in the same small town at the time. We were living together for over a year and were talking about buying a house together, getting married. We had a list of paperwork we needed to get together to get some final clearance forms for the tax office and it was there in the tax office that I found out that she didn't have anything done because basically she had debts she never told me about, big ones too. At this stage we'd already set a wedding date and had booked the venue!

I said lets put a break on the property purchase and wedding until we figured out the debt etc but she wouldn't have it, started guilting me that if I really loved her her debts wouldn't matter. Trust was shot, pushed back wedding, trundled on for a few months but eventually split up while still living together (horrible couple of weeks) and even now, many years later my skin crawls when I see her.

05eaftqbrs9jlh

HalloweenJack wrote:

However, I can't do it. I've tried with my three exes and it always ends in tears because of unresolved feelings. IME, it's just not worth the hassle.

I haven't gone out with anyone except my own partner since I was a teenager and any boyfriends from then who added me on Facebook have made a pass at me over messenger at one stage or other so... no... Probably best not to try and have a Platonic friendship with people. There's bound to be unresolved stuff.

Only really have been in one real serious relationship around 8 years ago which lasted less than a year. It ended rather quickly and badly at the time but she got in contact with me again the following year (im not sure did she want it to be platonic or did she want to try get back together, i just wish she hadnt either way) but it cooled off again and she met someone else and moved on.
We are no longer in contact and that's the best way. She's moved on is married to the guy after me and i'm still enjoying the single life.

I'm not an avid user of Facebook and was using it for one or two groups during the summer and next thing she starts popping up on friend suggestions. No getting away from it. So i decided the best thing to do is to just delete Facebook or this was going to wreck my head seeing her. I wont lie, I was absolutely mad about her. The cuts she inflicted were deep.

That was grand until next thing i returned to college around October.
I registered again to be part of the college Facebook group but this time i didn't register my mobile number and registered under a different email address to avoid same thing happening again.... but she is appearing again ffs :mad: I don't know how the hell this could be happening because she is not in my phone book nor do i have her email address anywhere, but i do wish they would get rid of this stupid feature. Blasted Zuckerberg and his intrusive site. i have seven more weeks of college to go and then its getting the chop again

bb1234567

Deleted User wrote: »

Only really have been in one real serious relationship around 8 years ago which lasted less than a year. It ended rather quickly and badly at the time but she got in contact with me again the following year (im not sure did she want it to be platonic or did she want to try get back together, i just wish she hadnt either way) but it cooled off again and she met someone else and moved on.
We are no longer in contact and that's the best way. She's moved on is married to the guy after me and i'm still enjoying the single life.

I'm not an avid user of Facebook and was using it for one or two groups during the summer and next thing she starts popping up on friend suggestions. No getting away from it. So i decided the best thing to do is to just delete Facebook or this was going to wreck my head seeing her. I wont lie, I was absolutely mad about her. The cuts she inflicted were deep.

That was grand until next thing i returned to college around October.
I registered again to be part of the college Facebook group but this time i didn't register my mobile number and registered under a different email address to avoid same thing happening again.... but she is appearing again ffs :mad: I don't know how the hell this could be happening because she is not in my phone book nor do i have her email address anywhere, but i do wish they would get rid of this stupid feature. Blasted Zuckerberg and his intrusive site. i have seven more weeks of college to go and then its getting the chop again

Why not block her? And facebook may suggest you for a number of reasons, if you are in the same college group or both put it up that youre from same secondary school or lots of little things like that

bb1234567

bb1234567 wrote: »

Why not block her? And facebook may suggest you for a number of reasons, if you are in the same college group or both put it up that youre from same secondary school or lots of little things like that

this is the funniest thing, we are not from the same school or parish or college. Just thinking about it though we may have both liked one of the local haunts but it still seems so fúckin random.

Can blocking be done if we arent friends? Then yep i certainly will do that but does that only prevent friend requests/messages?

dresden8

If you can't you aren't finished.

I am friends with all my exes.

We know we are finished.

dresden8

dresden8 wrote: »

If you can't you aren't finished.

I dont get ya?

Edit: nevermind i see what you mean

dresden8

dresden8 wrote: »

If you can't you aren't finished.

I am friends with all my exes.

We know we are finished.

You can still love someone or feel strongly about someone whilst at the same time be fully accepting that you will never be able to have any form of a sustainable relationship.

getzls

Deleted User wrote: »

dresden8 wrote: »

If you can't you aren't finished.

I am friends with all my exes.

We know we are finished.

You can still love someone or feel strongly about someone whilst at the same time be fully accepting that you will never be able to have any form of a sustainable relationship.

I agree with that.
Friends with my ex wife.
Probably love her still but would be the totally wrong decision to go back to her.
Though after being apart over 2 years she wants.
No!!!

Clampdown

No. I find it hard to be friends with people who have stabbed you, but maybe that's just my experience.

KERSPLAT!

Clampdown wrote: »

No. I find it hard to be friends with people who have stabbed you, but maybe that's just my experience.

If all your exes are stabbing you, maybe they aren't the issue...

https://media4.giphy.com/media/Wgx6zPreg4aac/200_s.gif

The flying mouse

Deleted User wrote: »

You can still love someone or feel strongly about someone whilst at the same time be fully accepting that you will never be able to have any form of a sustainable relationship.

Yes that's me , I have two ex in which one I still care about and another in which I would still love & care about, but we have drifted apart & gone different roads.

suicide_circus

If there was passion, really intense sweaty passion, then no it can't be done or at least will be a really struggle for one party.

If you can do it then you're dead inside.

Clampdown

Clampdown wrote: »

No. I find it hard to be friends with people who have stabbed you, but maybe that's just my experience.

Stabbed you? :eek: As in metaphorically in the back or actually stabbed you?

MadDog76

dresden8 wrote: »

If you can't you aren't finished.

I am friends with all my exes.

We know we are finished.

YOU know you're finished ...........

JupiterKid

Sure. My ex is my best friend and my soul mate. If I didn't have him in my life I may well not be here.

Not all relationship break ups are acrimonious.

leggo

Deleted User wrote: »

this is the funniest thing, we are not from the same school or parish or college. Just thinking about it though we may have both liked one of the local haunts but it still seems so fúckin random.

Can blocking be done if we arent friends? Then yep i certainly will do that but does that only prevent friend requests/messages?

Remember Facebook owns the likes of Whatsapp etc so they can tell people you've talked to on there and put the pieces together. I have old Tinder matches I sent a few texts back and forth with, that would have no mutual friends or anything like that, pop up there sometimes and so on.

But yeah I'm fairly sure you can block someone even if you're not friends. It's a really cool feature, it's like they never existed and you have to go through a few steps to undo it, so you'll usually end up thinking better of it if you get any second thoughts down the line.

dresden8 wrote: »

If you can't you aren't finished.

I am friends with all my exes.

We know we are finished.

Don't agree with that at all. It's the kind of random, sweeping statement that pops up in a sunset picture on Facebook that has no bearing on real life at all under any kind of scrutiny. Exes are people you had a romantic past with. If there's no romantic element, the relationship is essentially nothing unless you were friends beforehand or had kids with them and it's actually difficult to detach. Because it takes work to build a friendship with an ex, you're essentially starting from the ground up except taking into account everything that made the relationship fail. And what is a break-up except essentially, at its core, saying to someone you've become close with, "Let's not be friends and do the stuff we did before anymore."

Personally, if I met someone who was active friends with all of their exes, I'd think they had abandonment issues and couldn't detach from people even when it's healthier to do so (or that they were the one who was dumped and they didn't like to face the thought of being alone so kept the people around), and in knowing some people who do so that theory tends to bare out a lot. It'd be a major red flag for me. Not saying that's the case with you, maybe you're the exception that proves the vast majority of people's experiences here wrong, just in general.

Ben Gadot

I think love is a different thing for each person. I can see why people say after they broke up and got through the initial turmoil, that staying friends was worth it.

On the other hand I can understand why it's too hard for other people. Some people that come together can easily build each other up as they can destroy each other. What you'd probably call an unhealthy love in truth.

nice_guy80

I've deleted their numbers off my phone, photos too, blocked them on social media and had new memories implanted like on Total Recall in order to forget about an ex

leggo

leggo wrote: »

Remember Facebook owns the likes of Whatsapp etc so they can tell people you've talked to on there and put the pieces together. I have old Tinder matches I sent a few texts back and forth with, that would have no mutual friends or anything like that, pop up there sometimes and so on.

But yeah I'm fairly sure you can block someone even if you're not friends. It's a really cool feature, it's like they never existed and you have to go through a few steps to undo it, so you'll usually end up thinking better of it if you get any second thoughts down the line.

Whatsapp would not have been around at the time we were an item. The only logical explanation to it is that she might have my number still on her phone if she is one of these people who forgets to delete numbers. I no longer have her number on my phone thankfully.

Irish_rat

It depends but more often than not you're better cutting ties especially if you loved the person before.