Boyfriend holiday with female friend

homerjay2005

the fact that it was already booked before they met,has to mean something and its not as problematic some people want it to be.

it is difficult, but its all down to trust now at this stage. if they wanted to be together, surely they would be and not have to book a holiday to do so.

Permabear

This post has been deleted.

frostyjacks

It's not a question of whether or not she trusts him. He shouldn't be putting her in that situation, it's unreasonable. He should man up and pick one or the other.

osarusan

I can see why you feel uncomfortable about it, it's an unusual pairing for a holiday and the fact that they've slept together is another issue that weighs on your mind.

If it's just too uncomfortable for you, you can either end it, or ask him to change plans (which might cause him to end it).

you are the only one who can decide what feels right for you.

But if you do decide to just let him go and stop arguing, then really do that, and make sure you don't develop a habit of picking at that scab every so often.

Phee_Bee

BetsyEllen wrote: »

OP when you are arguing about this, what's being said?

You're telling us that you want him to go and want him to have a good time etc but if you're arguing over it for 2 months, that paints a different picture.

What is there to argue about if he's not going to cancel? It's very black and white after that.
When you say that cancelling is not on the table, do you know that because you asked him and he said no?

Also does he realise you are thinking of breaking up with him over this? I wonder if he knows how serious this is becoming for you and if he knew he was possibly going to lose you, would he think differently about going.

Mainly stupid arguments over what could happen between them and what boundaries there are going to be while away, if he will contact me while there or just focus on his time with her . No I haven't asked him about cancelling and have no intention to.

Big Bag of Chips

You think he should have told you before getting into a relationship with you, thereby giving you the opportunity to not get into the relationship, I assume??

Well being in a relatively short relationship is no sort of binding agreement. If you wouldn't have gotten into a relationship with him if you knew about the holiday, then you have the option of ending the relationship now that you know about the holiday and are not happy with it! It's actually really really simple!

I think the conflict you're having is because you know you are being a bit silly about this and there's no logical reason to end it, so you're trying to come up with all kinds of imagined or hypothetical reasons to end it.

You must be exhausted with it all. Is he worth it? If he is, then just get on with it. If he's not, then end it.

Simple!

lifeandtimes

frostyjacks wrote: »

It's not a question of whether or not she trusts him. He shouldn't be putting her in that situation, it's unreasonable. He should man up and pick one or the other.

Ye and imagine what the female friend of his that he has known a long time will think?

"Ye Sarah I can't go on the holidays we planned for ages as my new gf isn't happy with it and iv to decide between you and her,you understand right?"

Shed probably then tell all their friends and he'll be known as that guy.

This is all ops insecurities that she needs to deal with

Big Bag of Chips

BetsyEllen wrote: »

I wonder if he knows how serious this is becoming for you and if he knew he was possibly going to lose you, would he think differently about going.

I don't know would I play that game!! As you said before, if she's going to end it, make it be because of her. Not him! The holiday is booked. Was booked before he met you. You have no right to try get him to cancel, even with the threat of breaking up with him.

Break up with him or stay with him, don't hold the relationship to ransom! I have a feeling you might end up losing that one.

Phee_Bee

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You're being sketchy about the exact length of time you're together! You've been arguing about this for 2 months!! How long have you been together? How long were you together, in a relationship before he told you? Do you think he should not have dated anyone until after the holiday? Or do you think on a first date, with any girl he went on a date with he should have said "Hi, I'm John, just so you know, I'm going on holiday in a few months with a female friends of mine, so if you don't want to continue the date, that's fair enough?"

I think you should end it, OP. You're not happy and I think whatever he does about this situation you won't be happy. Might be better if you jump before you're pushed!

We've been together only 4 months but the holiday isn't until the summer it's still a long way off and there is potential for the relationship to be better by the time they are going.

No I don't think he should have to disclose it on the first date but when it was mentioned and it was clear I was assuming it was a group holiday it should have been brought up then.

BetsyEllen

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I don't know would I play that game!! As you said before, if she's going to end it, make it be because of her. Not him! The holiday is booked. Was booked before he met you. You have no right to try get him to cancel, even with the threat of breaking up with him.

Break up with him or stay with him, don't hold the relationship to ransom! I have a feeling you might end up losing that one.

No sorry, I wasn't clear - I don't mean issue this as a threat.
I just wondered if he was aware of how much of an issue this is for the OP and if so, would he still be going.

He may not realise that his relationship is in jeopardy because of the holiday and therefore be very shocked/surprised to end up single.
Maybe if the OP communicated a bit better how serious this was for her he may decide to cancel.

Phee_Bee

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I don't know would I play that game!! As you said before, if she's going to end it, make it be because of her. Not him! The holiday is booked. Was booked before he met you. You have no right to try get him to cancel, even with the threat of breaking up with him.

Break up with him or stay with him, don't hold the relationship to ransom! I have a feeling you might end up losing that one.

I wouldn't do that, it's not a pick one of the other situation. It is a trying to find a way that both the holiday can be enjoyed by him and the relationship can still work situation. We have both talked to our groups of friends etc over this in trying to find ways to make it manageable.

Big Bag of Chips

BetsyEllen wrote: »

Maybe if the OP communicated a bit better how serious this was for her he may decide to cancel.

I don't think he would!

Lose his money, and his friends money, over a relationship that's rocky at best and may not be still happening by the time the holiday comes around?

BetsyEllen

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I don't think he would!

Lose his money, and his friends money, over a relationship that's rocky at best and may not be still happening by the time the holiday comes around?

So then she has her answer. The relationship isn't important enough for him to save.

Big Bag of Chips

You haven't even met this girl, OP!! You're building her up in your head to be some big rival for his affections. You have your friends and his friends all discussing it trying to find a "way to make it work"?? Really?? Is the way to make it work having some of his friends go along as chaperone?? Is that what you want them to decide?

Come on, OP. You're the one making an issue of this. You don't have to be in a relationship with him. Yes, he started a relationship with you but you're not being held there against your will. Get over this, or move on. That's the only way to solve it.

Sorry OP, if I was your boyfriend I would have dropped you by now!
You're together 4 months and have been arguing for 2 months. Way too much hassle so early in.

Why do you think they would cheat when they are away?
They have known each other for years, do you not think they would be getting it on here, people don't need to leave the country to cheat.

If you're not comfortable, whatever your reasons, then you should just break up, before your boyfriend gets sick of the paranoia

Big Bag of Chips

BetsyEllen wrote: »

So then she has her answer. The relationship isn't important enough for him to save.

I don't know would I be potentially risking a friendship/friendships of years to save a 4 month relationship with the person who put me in that position, though!

I'd think that would be a sign of things to come for the rest of the relationship.

frostyjacks

frostyjacks wrote: »

It's not a question of whether or not she trusts him. He shouldn't be putting her in that situation, it's unreasonable. He should man up and pick one or the other.

I don't believe he's putting her in any situation. He had a holiday booked, they are only together 4 months.
This is her problem

ibarelycare

The fact that they only slept together once, and it was when they first met, is something very positive IMO. If they've been friends for years, been on other holidays, been on nights out, etc., then that opportunity has come up many times again. But neither of them has acted on it. That speaks volumes. They don't see each other in a sexual way, they are friends and that's all.

What exactly are you hoping to achieve from this thread? Do you think this is something you can get over?

Phee_Bee

ibarelycare wrote: »

The fact that they only slept together once, and it was when they first met, is something very positive IMO. If they've been friends for years, been on other holidays, been on nights out, etc., then that opportunity has come up many times again. But neither of them has acted on it. That speaks volumes. They don't see each other in a sexual way, they are friends and that's all.

What exactly are you hoping to achieve from this thread? Do you think this is something you can get over?

I want it to be something that I can get over, as I know it is silly and I am most likely making it out to be a bigger deal than it is as I am uncomfortable with the dynamic of the holiday.

SteM

Phee_Bee wrote: »

I wouldn't do that, it's not a pick one of the other situation. It is a trying to find a way that both the holiday can be enjoyed by him and the relationship can still work situation. We have both talked to our groups of friends etc over this in trying to find ways to make it manageable.

There's one very easy way to make it manageable. Smile and tell him you hope he has a nice holiday. Don't bring it up again and just let him go and enjoy himself.

When you say there are arguments over this I'd be 99% sure that he's not the cause of the argument. If he is and he's bringing the subject up to cause an argument between the two of you then dump him immediately. If you're causing the arguments you can stop them by either accepting that he's going on holiday and wish him well or realise that you don't like the situation and break up with him now. The resolution to your arguments lies with you.

ibarelycare

Phee_Bee wrote: »

I want it to be something that I can get over, as I know it is silly and I am most likely making it out to be a bigger deal than it is as I am uncomfortable with the dynamic of the holiday.

It sounds like you have insecurity and trust issues that are not related to your current bf?

osarusan

Phee_Bee wrote: »

It is a trying to find a way that both the holiday can be enjoyed by him and the relationship can still work situation.

Phee_Bee wrote: »

We have both talked to our groups of friends etc over this in trying to find ways to make it manageable.

Phee_Bee wrote: »

I want it to be something that I can get over.

I don't really know what this means...'find a way' to make it something other than what it is.

Other than decide it's too much for you to accept, or decide to just accept it, what other things can happen?

What ways can you find to make it manageable?

WinnyThePoo

BetsyEllen wrote: »

So then she has her answer. The relationship isn't important enough for him to save.

The boyfriend has done nothing wrong and has every right to go on the holiday.

She has the problem, and not him.

Big Bag of Chips

ibarelycare wrote: »

It sounds like you have insecurity and trust issues that are not related to your current bf?

I'd agree with this. I don't think it would ever have crossed my mind in your situation to ask if they've slept together. If he had said no, would that be better? Would that make him more or less likely to sleep with her on holiday? I'm not saying you were wrong to ask, but I'd question how you thought to ask!

He's with you.. Not with her. He has known her years and would have surely had every opportunity to end up with her if that's what they wanted. That would have been enough for me. But it's clearly not enough for you.

meeeeh

Op I think however you look at things there are only two options, you can accept the situation as trip of two friends or you can break up. Constant insecurity will make you miserable and most likely drive your bf away. I don't get why you don't want to meet her. You are together four months and you don't want to meet his friends? Meet as part of the group you don't need to make it an awkward meeting of three people. You will be able to judge situation better then. Friends give you another insight as wjhat kind of person he is anyway and you should meet them.

I don't think there is much more your bf can do. It's totally up to you how you want to proceed.

Phee_Bee

meeeeh wrote: »

Op I think however you look at things there are only two options, you can accept the situation as trip of two friends or you can break up. Constant insecurity will make you miserable and most likely drive your bf away. I don't get why you don't want to meet her. You are together four months and you don't want to meet his friends? Meet as part of the group you don't need to make it an awkward meeting of three people. You will be able to judge situation better then. Friends give you another insight as wjhat kind of person he is anyway and you should meet them.

I don't think there is much more your bf can do. It's totally up to you how you want to proceed.

I have met other friends of his, I don't particularly want to meet her but even if I did the opportunity to meet her hasn't come up.

ibarelycare

Will you have a problem with him going on nights out with her?

Big Bag of Chips

Phee_Bee wrote: »

I don't particularly want to meet her

She's a good friend of your boyfriends, why don't you "particularly" want to meet her. You have all these imagined things going on in your head. Surely meeting her would be the obvious thing to do!

You are coming across as really insecure and even a bit petty (with regards to meeting the friend). I think, if you want this relationship to work, that's something you're going to have to address.

Phee_Bee

ibarelycare wrote: »

Will you have a problem with him going on nights out with her?

No not at all.

Phee_Bee

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

She's a good friend of your boyfriends, why don't you "particularly" want to meet her. You have all these imagined things going on in your head. Surely meeting her would be the obvious thing to do!

You are coming across as really insecure and even a bit petty (with regards to meeting the friend). I think, if you want this relationship to work, that's something you're going to have to address.

I don't think he wants me to meet her either.

SteM

Phee_Bee wrote: »

I have met other friends of his, I don't particularly want to meet her but even if I did the opportunity to meet her hasn't come up.

Just break up with him, I think you want too anyway. They're long time family friends and your attitude to her is 'suspect' to say the least. Just break up and find someone that you're 100% happy with. Then he can look forward to his holiday in peace and not worry about the first time his girlfriend meets one of his oldest friends.

homerjay2005

frostyjacks wrote: »

It's not a question of whether or not she trusts him.

im sorry, but it really is.

frostyjacks wrote: »

He shouldn't be putting her in that situation, it's unreasonable. He should man up and pick one or the other.

why should he have to cancel a holiday, just because he is in a new relationship?

if you were single and met somebody new, would you cancel a holiday that you booked months ago? i dont think you would.

Big Bag of Chips

Phee_Bee wrote: »

I don't think he wants me to meet her either.

I can't imagine why!!

I think you should break up with him. This relationship isn't comfortable for either of you, and now your friends are being dragged into it to "manage" it too.

Too much hassle.

BetsyEllen

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I can't imagine why!!

I think you should break up with him. This relationship isn't comfortable for either of you, and now your friends are being dragged into it to "manage" it too.

Too much hassle.

I do agree.
All this after 4 months...this should be the time that you're madly in love and think the sun shines out of each others behinds.
It doesn't sound like this is the right relationship for either of you so I would bow out now.

frostyjacks

homerjay2005 wrote: »

im sorry, but it really is.



why should he have to cancel a holiday, just because he is in a new relationship?

if you were single and met somebody new, would you cancel a holiday that you booked months ago? i dont think you would.

I honestly would, to prove my respect and honour towards my girlfriend. This guy wants to have his cake and eat it.

homerjay2005

frostyjacks wrote: »

I honestly would, to prove my respect and honour towards my girlfriend. This guy wants to have his cake and eat it.

ah here, im sorry but this is complete nonsense. he booked a holiday, then met a new girlfriend. he doesnt and shouldnt have to cancel anything.

ibarelycare

frostyjacks wrote: »

I honestly would, to prove my respect and honour towards my girlfriend. This guy wants to have his cake and eat it.

If you were my bf and you cancelled a holiday with a good friend just because you'd since started going out with me, I'd presume you were some sort of pathetic doormat. And above all I wouldn't want to be with someone who has so little respect for their friend who they've known for years.

ibarelycare

OP it would be a pity to give up on someone great who you could have a very happy and long relationship with over your insecurities, but if you can't get past them I don't know what else there is to suggest. I think it's something you should seek professional help with at some stage, as you'll never be completely happy in a relationship otherwise.

BetsyEllen

ibarelycare wrote: »

OP it would be a pity to give up on someone great who you could have a very happy and long relationship with over your insecurities, but if you can't get past them I don't know what else there is to suggest. I think it's something you should seek professional help with at some stage, as you'll never be completely happy in a relationship otherwise.

I don't agree with this at all.
I wouldn't be happy if I was the OP and I certainly don't need professional help.

SusanC10

OP- I was in your position once. Started going out with a guy. Had a few close female friends. He had a Holiday booked with one of them before we got together. Just the 2 of them. Twin Room. They did this every year. He hold me that they had slept together once years before and not since. It was early days for us and we had not slept together. While I wasn't super comfortable with it I trusted him and accepted it. I had not met her as she lived abroad.

He went. We continued to see each other. We started sleeping together. Then she came here for a visit and stayed at his place. House share. She stayed in his Room with him. Like she always did when she visited. I met her. We all went out for a night together and I became more uncomfortable with her. They were v close and I felt like a third wheel but he kept saying that they were just friends.

We continued to see each other. He arranged to visit her abroad. Alone. Again with the reassurancesame that they were just Friends.

We broke up shortly after. Turns out they had a 'Friends with Benefits' relationship which had been there before me and continued after me as well as when we were together.

Trust your instincts. If you have reservations about this trust your gut.

professore

Phee_Bee wrote: »

I asked him outright when it came clear it was just the two of them going have they slept togther before and he was honest and said yes once.
I did ask him how come he hasn't even suggested that if I went on the trip, he said that it genuinely didn't occur to him to ask. I wouldn't be able to go anyway. But it was on my mind that he wasn't asking as deep down he was happy it was just the two of them going.

So you are recently going out and he's so excited about it he didn't even think to ask you to come with him on holidays? He doesn't sound like a very thoughtful guy to be honest. Not a good start to a relationship.

WinnyThePoo

professore wrote: »

So you are recently going out and he's so excited about it he didn't even think to ask you to come with him on holidays? He doesn't sound like a very thoughtful guy to be honest. Not a good start to a relationship.

Would you invite a girl who you just started going out on a holiday you had already booked with your friends.

BetsyEllen

professore wrote: »

So you are recently going out and he's so excited about it he didn't even think to ask you to come with him on holidays? He doesn't sound like a very thoughtful guy to be honest. Not a good start to a relationship.

This has been my point.
People are saying he done nothing wrong in booking a holiday before he met the OP and he shouldn't have to cancel it.

The problem for me is he only told her it was just the 2 of them when she asked him, he hasn't at any stage asked her to go along and he hasn't introduced the 2 of them despite her being a close friend.

These actions are cause for concern in my eyes.

ibarelycare

Why on earth should he ask her to go on holidays with him and his friend? And how is that fair on his friend? She booked to go on a holiday with her friend, not with a couple. Just because he's now in a relationship, it doesn't mean he can't do things independently of his gf.

BetsyEllen

ibarelycare wrote: »

Why on earth should he ask her to go on holidays with him and his friend? And how is that fair on his friend? She booked to go on a holiday with her friend, not with a couple. Just because he's now in a relationship, it doesn't mean he can't do things independently of his gf.

If she's such a good friend though she would absolutely understand the situation.
The holiday is months away, not next week - plenty of time to cancel or ask somebody else to go in his place.

My close male friend means a lot to me and I would want any relationship of his to work.
If I was this female friend in this situation I would understand him cancelling. Would I be disappointed? Yes. But I wouldn't fall out with him over it.

No one, including the OP, is saying he can't do things independently! Him going away with a woman he's previously slept with, after not telling the OP it was just the 2 of them is a valid and fair concern to be fair. It doesn't mean the OP is not going to want him to ever go out without her or leave her side.

Phee_Bee

ibarelycare wrote: »

Why on earth should he ask her to go on holidays with him and his friend? And how is that fair on his friend? She booked to go on a holiday with her friend, not with a couple. Just because he's now in a relationship, it doesn't mean he can't do things independently of his gf.

I agree, I don't want to go on the holiday and I don't want him to cancel. I do want them to have separate rooms which still has yet to be arranged, I would also like him to keep in contact while is away with her and to take the fact in is in a relationship into consideration with how he is on the holiday, I mean by that to keep friendly flirting, drunken nights together to a minimum if he feels that they could potentially lead to something.

BetsyEllen

Phee_Bee wrote: »

I agree, I don't want to go on the holiday and I don't want him to cancel. I do want them to have separate rooms which still has yet to be arranged, I would also like him to keep in contact while is away with her and to take the fact in is in a relationship into consideration with how he is on the holiday, I mean by that to keep friendly flirting, drunken nights together to a minimum if he feels that they could potentially lead to something.

You've no control over that though OP - whatever happens will happen with or without your request for it not to.

Anyone that's ever cheated - do you think they would not have done it had their other half kindly requested they behave themselves before going out that night?

ibarelycare

BetsyEllen wrote: »

If she's such a good friend though she would absolutely understand the situation.
The holiday is months away, not next week - plenty of time to cancel or ask somebody else to go in his place.

My close male friend means a lot to me and I would want any relationship of his to work.
If I was this female friend in this situation I would understand him cancelling. Would I be disappointed? Yes. But I wouldn't fall out with him over it.

For all we know the friend has no idea that there is an issue here, and is happily making plans and looking forward to her holiday with her friend.

But that's not the point, the point is that the bf shouldn't HAVE to ask his gf on a holiday he's already booked with his friend. He's his own person, he's entitled to want to go on holidays without his gf.

That aside, it would be spineless for the bf to cancel his holiday that he's planned with a friend he's known for years, for someone he's known for 4 months.

ibarelycare

Phee_Bee wrote: »

I agree, I don't want to go on the holiday and I don't want him to cancel. I do want them to have separate rooms which still has yet to be arranged, I would also like him to keep in contact while is away with her and to take the fact in is in a relationship into consideration with how he is on the holiday, I mean by that to keep friendly flirting, drunken nights together to a minimum if he feels that they could potentially lead to something.

I don't think any of those requests are unreasonable. Does your boyfriend? And if he doesn't think they're unreasonable either, and promises that they will be sleeping in separate rooms, and he will be in touch with you every day, and that they're not going to be drunkenly flirting...will you be happy?

Mr Whom

Writing is clearly on the wall. Time to break up with him