Girlfriend has been sectioned to a mental health hospital - and I don't know if I can

Stabshauptmann

Essentially - I'm 30 and the girl I'd been dating for 7 months has had a mental breakdown, and after 2.5 months of hoping she'll get better, I'm starting to think about worst case and what that means.

Her illness

• Suddenly, and without warning or obvious cause, my girl friend of 7 months had a mental breakdown.
• A panel of psychiatrists have sectioned her to a mental health hospital (she cant leave until they say she can).
• 10 weeks have passed with little sign of progress. Sometimes she looks like shes getting better, then her condition deteriorates further.
• The doctors have no diagnosis for what is wrong with her, nor given an estimate on when she will get better.
• Symptoms have varied, but on a bad day have included hallucinations, delusions, insomnia and incoherent rambling.  On a good day she's like a sedated version of her old self. Can't focus on TV or read a book, can only manage short simple conversations.
• She has a large network of friends, and family who visit her everyday. Everyone wants to help and support her.
• I'm the one she calls when she gets a phone call (more frequently that she calls friends or family) When she's lucid she tells me that she cant get through this without me.
• My concern is that getting better means manageable enough to leave hospital, but not a full return to her old self.

Our relationship
I'm in the UK, and havent made many friends here yet. Family are all at home. Shes one of the few people I know here.
Before she became unwell we had been dating 7 months. I had not made up my mind on the long term future of the relationship - we were starting to talk about moving in together in 4 - 6 months (when our leases would be up), but also had fights over the things that might make us incompatible in the long term.

The effects its having on me
The past 10 weeks I've done everything I can to help her and her family, but its been very tough. I've become a little more isolated socially, I have been getting every minor ailment winter has to offer, I'm under performing at work, and I'm lashing out at people. I'm run down, crying a lot, and angry.

My dilemma
I feel guilty and horrible even thinking about leaving her. She's sick and vulnerable. When she's lucid she tells me that she cant get through this without me, and the guilt of leaving her makes me feel physically sick.

But I'm also thinking that if she doesn't return to her old self, I can't maintain a romantic relationship with someone who can't leave a hospital, can't even hold a conversation. I'm 30, and alone in a foreign country, She basically was my social life (and I dont find it easy to make friends).

For my own sanity, I think I need to move on at some stage if  she doesn't get better.
But I dont know when its ok to make that decision - 3 months? 6 months? a year? 
And I dont know how to make that transition - how do I stop being her BF without devastating her.

I have talked to my friends and family, but their advice is unlikely to be objective.

Taltos

Its going to be very easy for us here to tell you to leave her or to stick with her or to stay for now only to run later.

Instead I think you need to talk to a professional yourself. You need someone equipped with this type of scenario who isn't invested in you or your GF to help you make what could be a life changing decision for you both. You also need to get the support you need to help you cope with this as its only a matter of time before HR or someone else in work intervene's if you're snapping and underperforming.

leggo

Oof, tough one, and your feelings are understandable and you shouldn't feel guilty for them.

If it was me, I'd wait it out until you get some kind of clarity, which will come in time (even if that clarity is just her not getting any better for an extended period and doctors treating it as if it's the new normal). It's harsh to add anything extra to her plate right now. You're still young, so there's no massive rush to find someone new either, you'll have time to rebuild if you wait another couple months.

If you really liked her before the breakdown, be her rock for a little while longer, it may bring you guys much closer together ultimately. Then if more time passes and things don't get more normal and you decide you can't go on any longer, maybe post again here looking for advice on how to go about it. In the meantime, keep in mind her family are ultimately the primary people responsible for her, so if you feel overwhelmed at any stage don't be afraid to pull someone aside and ask them if they can carry the baton for a bit while you get some space and work on your own life, then you can return the favour and so on. Don't do it through her if you've a good relationship with them, it could get taken up the wrong way and she doesn't need that now and ultimately if it helps your mental state and keeps you around longer she'll be happier overall. But don't forget about and neglect your own life during this time too.

milehip

Taltos wrote: »

Its going to be very easy for us here to tell you to leave her or to stick with her or to stay for now only to run later.

Instead I think you need to talk to a professional yourself.

Two very good points there, you appear to be under a fair bit of stress yourself OP. have you spoken to your own family\friends about this situation, just cos you're in a different country doesn't mean they can't be utilized as a support network.
Good luck

OttoPilot

Having been in a similar situation where my sister was in a mental health hospital, I think it's best if you walk away. She had a boyfriend at the time of her breakdown and it did her no good. It just drove her emotions to more 'extreme' levels. i.e when he was around she was euphoric but when he was gone she was depressed. Her friends and family will understand completely that you're doing what's best for her, even if she hates you for it.

This isn't even touching on the negative effects it's having on you. It's similar to being in an emergency on an airplane, help your own mental health before others or you'll both be in trouble because as you've said you don't have the same support network as her.

Bambi985

I'd agree with the above to be honest.

Don't stay with her out of pity, guilt or obligation. It won't do either of you any good and could cause you some mental health problems of your own. It's only been seven months and you weren't even sure of your future with her before she became ill.

Walking away doesn't make you a bad person, regardless of how it makes you feel or how anyone else reacts. Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the popular thing.

SATSUMA

HI op

Sorry for your troubles.

I think you should go see a counsellor for support but I'd be inclined to say end it.

Your girlfriend sounds very ill at the moment and you can always reconnect in the future. Seven months is a really short time to be with a partner, I mean you cannot really know her or her history. The affect on you at this early stage of her illness is obviously unhealthy.

My heart truly goes out to this girl, it could be any of us. Take a step back. If you were with her longer I'd have a different view.

Best of luck to you both.

juno10353

Your gf is in a sage place,with professional people as well as family and friends supporting her. She is safe. She is supported. I emphasise this as you too need to feel secure and supported at this time. You will be stressed, tired and apprehensive. Call on your friends, family and the medical team for support. Ask her doctors what the prognosis is. Keep rested as much as possible. Take care of you. Visit only when you feel strong. Do not allow yourself to feel guilty or guilted. When you feel stronger and more rested you will feel more able to make clearer decisions. At the momemt you can not see the woods from the trees. Step back a bit and be kind to you

LegacyUser

My advice is to end things with her. You have only been a couple for 7 months which is a short period of time. It is not mean doing this but you have to think of your own life going forward. My feeling is you got involved with her shortly after moving to the Uk and you did not develope many other friendships.
I know when your under a lot of stress you can get tired, run down, pick up illness and snap at people. You have also told us that your under preforming at work.

I am sure you moved to the Uk for better long term work prospects or to gain more experience so that if you wished long term you could return to a better job in Ireland. At this stage you need to realise that unless you start to change things in work they could let you go.

She thinks you are going to be their to solve her problems but the reality is it is not your job to do this. Some times you have to realise that long term it is better to walk away from a person or situation that is only making your life unhappy or difficult.
The truth is she can live without you. From what you have told us she could be in hospital for a long time and may need the long term ongoing care of mental health professionals.

I know a woman who is now in her mid 50's. She had similar problems to your girlfriend. She went on to get married and have children. The good days were great and the bad days were horrible. This woman could be good for 6 to 9 months and then her family would notice things. She has been in and out of hospital for years when they try to stabalise her and or change her medication. She would stop taking her medication and then end up within a short period of time be in a worse positon than ever. It has taken her toal on her husband and children.

I am telling you the above so you can get an idea of what you may be facing long term if you stay with this woman.

leggo

Yeah that's a very good point. Medication, or lack thereof, is a real long-term struggle to deal with when it comes to mental illness. We still don't understand these things as well as we should, i.e. that it's often a life-long affliction you have to accept and battle each day. I speak from in-depth experience with family, friends and even partners. Basically your own brain is working against you and changing who you are as a person, as you've seen with this girl. The day-to-day reality is that it's impossible to tell on a decision-by-decision basis whether what they're saying or how they're feeling is them talking or the illness, to the point the person themselves often can't tell. And often they'll strive to be off the meds and 'cured', when that's simply not how these things work (but it's not as simple as just taking the same medication every morning and evening for life either, that has to be constantly regulated too).

It's totally understandable to accept your own limitations that you're not 'the guy' in this situation. I've done it. I'll run when I see signs of anxiety or depression (or worse) early on, and if I'm dating a girl a while and like her my line now is she HAS to be proactive about it and far along in her treatment or I'm gone. I've spent too long living the other side of it, it's not for me. It's a long, often anguishing, job and one you won't get thanked for often, if at all. Worth keeping in mind.

LegacyUser

I have been in your partners shoes (ie sectioned and acutely unwell, in psychosis) for many many weeks. It took ages to get a diagnosis of bipolar and was an incredibly distressing time for me and my long term partner.
However I recovered fully and went back to full time work and normal life. Your gf won't be a medicated heavily sedated person forever. It rakes time to manage an acute episode (which generally involves medicating up to the eyeballs, trying to find the right initialdrug combo) and figure out a long term management plan, which will likely include some sort of medication.
I would echo what others have said in that you need to look after yourself and seek support from friends/family/therapy right NOW regardless of whether you continue in the relationship or not. To not seek help now will lead to burnout & trauma down the line (we've been there)
But as someone who has been unfortunate enough to go through this I would say don't end it based on this alone. Yes its scary and it can create fears for the future but mental conditions can be managed for the vast majority of people.

i hope both you and your gf look after yourselves and get well.