Feel really anxious around sick relative. Why can't I deal with this?

LegacyUser

My gran has a really horrible lung disease and is coming to the end of her life and I'm finding it tough to cope with the anxiety from being around her. In many ways, I feel horribly guilty about this because I can only stay in the room with her for a few minutes at a time before having to leave due to the anxiety. (she's bed-bound).

I am part of a really small family so my mother has given up the last year of her life to take care of my gran at home because there is nobody else to do so. I have no idea how she's able to care for her full-time;it's an incredibly draining thing and her diet is now awful because she's comfort eating to cope with the stress.

My gran has deteriorated badly over the last couple of months and it's awful to see. She's gasping for air all the time and she has to be lifted to the toilet now. My anxiety comes from three things:

a) seeing a loved one suffer so badly.
b) becoming hyper-aware of my own mortality. I'm 26 and this is the first time I've experienced so closely someone coming to the end of their life. It has definitely hit home that this will be me too some day.
c) anxious about my mother and the stress of acting as a full-time carer without any training as a carer. She's overweight and I'm terrified the whole ordeal will give her a heart attack before my granny's struggle is even done with.

I know this is all awfully morbid stuff and I'm not even sure what advice I'm looking for. I guess just anything that might help me cope with the anxiety. I can't even help my mum that much except to take medication up and down and sometimes to sit with my gran when my mum goes to get the shoppping. Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for any advice.

looksee

Lung disease is a horrible way to go, and there is not the level of support that there seems to be for cancer. It is a difficult time for you and I cannot offer any magic solutions, there are none.

Presumably your gran is on oxygen? Depending on what kind of lung disease it is there are ways of breathing that can help a lot and this information should have been given to her at some stage.

I can understand you being so aware of your mortality in this situation, but you are young and healthy and not (I assume) in any danger of being terminally ill at the moment. We are all going to die, and none of us knows how we will go, so you have to try and be logical and think more in terms of your life over the next few years rather than what will happen maybe 60 years from now. You have time to do a whole lot of living.

Some people are good in sick-rooms, others are not. Your mum is having a very hard time of it at the moment and you are doing your best to help her. If there are limits to the time you feel you can stay with your gran, go in little and often, and do as much as possible around the house - you can help her organise the washing and dishes, hoover round and keep the house looking as nice as possible. Bring in a few flowers - just a few chrystanths from the supermarket is only a few euros, but brightens the place. Put the shopping away when she comes in, tidy the presses, all little things that help her. Try and persuade her to go out for an hour even if it is just for a cup of coffee somewhere with a friend. You can stay with your gran, you do not have to sit with her every minute but keep popping in and out and sit for a little while if she wants you to. You will be glad that you did when she is gone.

I do understand that it is not easy but hang in and do your best for both of them. Talk to someone - an older person preferably - about your sense of mortality, but honestly it is not unusual, it could hit you even if your gran was not sick. You have to try and be rational about it and realise that you can use this experience to encourage you to make the best you can of your life. All good wishes to you.

cml387

There's no easy answer to this and I can't really offer anything as useful as looksee has said.
I've gone through this with my two parents and an uncle, in all cases up to the point of death.

All I can say is that at your age it may be a very worthwhile experience to go through and take a positive from that. Most of your contemporaries probably won't have experienced what you are going through.

That life is precious and that you only get one of them.

Turtle_

I'm sorry for what you're going through, for what your mum is going through, and most of all, for what your gran is going through.

It's never, ever easy.

It might help to spend a lot of time really focusing on how your nan used to be, the person she was as you knew her until she got sick. Have a really strong mental image of her that you can bring to mind readily. And when you in the room with her, force yourself to see that image of her. It's not easy, but I found it the easiest way of coping when my nan got sick. She's still the same person.

With your mum, the best thing you can do is be there for her. Try to look after the shopping, cooking, housework etc as best as you can.

Are you getting home help? It sounds like you guys need it. Even someone to come in for an hour a day to do bathing and stuff like that. Depending on what stage your gran is at, your local hospice might be able to help.

9or10

Hi OP, nothing to add to Looksee's excellant post, just that I know how awful these things can be. I'm not a great coper either.

Try not to be down on yourself for not being good at everything.

Hang in there.

Emme

OP has your mum been in contact with the district nurse and is she availing of any help that might be available. Unfortunately there's not much but she sounds like she's finding it very difficult to cope. Is there anyone who could give your mum a break for a few hours or even a day? It's common for carers to comfort eat because there is no other outlet available for them.

Try to help your mum as much as you can - looksee's suggestions are excellent. You could also cook your mum a healthy meal, she needs someone to look after her too.

Stopped Clock

The first thing I’d say to you is don’t beat yourself up about this. I buried my mother a year ago after a very long illness. It was the most gut-wrenching rollercoaster ride ever and I’m still coming to terms with it. What I learned was that some people are really good at being hands on and helping out. Others aren’t but it doesn’t mean they love them any less. One of mum’s sisters didn’t visit her as often as other family members because it used to upset her a lot. There were plenty of times I didn’t visit her in the nursing home either because I couldn’t face it.

Let me address the 3 points you made

a) seeing a loved one suffer so badly.
There’s nothing abnormal with being upset over seeing your grandmother like this. My advice to you is the same as what Looksee suggested. Visit her a little and often. This is going to sound selfish but go spend time with her enough that you won’t feel guilty when she passes. There’s a bit of a delicate balancing act here between stopping yourself from getting upset and regretting not spending time with your grandmother.

b) becoming hyper-aware of my own mortality. I'm 26 and this is the first time I've experienced so closely someone coming to the end of their life. It has definitely hit home that this will be me too some day.
You can’t change this but this feeling will probably come and go. Human emotions don’t tend to stay in a heightened state. All of us know that some day we are going to die but we don’t really believe it. With life expectancy gone the way it has, you could easily have another 50 years of good health and activity ahead of you. Try to use this awareness of your mortality as a positive thing. Sometimes people who are terminally ill make a bucket list. How about making a bucket list of sorts for yourself and decide to do some things that are attainable now and would be something to look forward to.

c) anxious about my mother and the stress of acting as a full-time carer without any training as a carer. She's overweight and I'm terrified the whole ordeal will give her a heart attack before my granny's struggle is even done with.

This is an area where you might be able to make a real difference. If you took over at least some of the cooking you could ensure she’s having a certain amount of healthy meals. It might not be an option because she’s looking after her mother but if you could go for a walk with her in the evenings it’d be better than nothing.

I don’t know if it’s possible to get a hoist into the house, what with Health & Safety regulations being what they are. If you could, it’d make life so much easier for your mum. Before mine went into a nursing home we had HSE carers come in twice a day. The hoist was used to move mum from the bed to the commode to her chair. It was a godsend for her and for anyone who had to move her. Has anyone been in touch with the public health nurse and asked about getting a hoist. Better still would be people to come in and help but the HSE really cut back on the home help (don’t get me started). Have you made contact with the Carers Association or any charities related to your grandmother’s illness? Sometimes they can give you advice or help that’d lift the burden somewhat on your mother.

When a person is caring they get very caught up in it. My dad ended up being my mum’s carer and he freely admits now that he did some things that were crazy. At the time they seemed like the right things to do but they weren’t. So be aware that your mother’s not seeing the world in the way you are. She is also probably doing far too much. If you can help her at all, do. Be a shoulder for her to cry on or someone for her to talk to. Even that helps a lot.

Emme

Stopped Clock wrote: »

One of mum’s sisters didn’t visit her as often as other family members because it used to upset her a lot. There were plenty of times I didn’t visit her in the nursing home either because I couldn’t face it.

If you had no other siblings you'd have had to do it whether you liked it or not.

I understand it's difficult for the OP, she's 26 and may not have had to deal with illness before. But her mother is really suffering and could do with some help. This may sound harsh but the OP should put her anxiety aside and help her mum whatever way she can. It's clear her mother's health is suffering. If her mother gets a heart attack who is going to look after the grandmother?

LegacyUser

OP here again. Thanks everyone for your kind and helpful replies.

As an update, my gran was taken to the hospice this morning as her condition worsened significantly in recent days. She has been on supplemental oxygen treatment for close to eight months now so it's probably quite a surprise she has lasted this long. She is on a morphine pump too.

The whole thing with bringing her in the ambulance away from her house probably never to return was a major ordeal for me and my mum and we shared many tears together. I'm not really strong like most men should be for their mothers and grandmothers so I bawled my eyes out both as she was being brought out to the ambulance and inside the ambulance while holding my nan's hand.

My nan's next door neighbour has been a wonderful help also in recent days as her condition deteriorated. She was in with my gran a lot and helping us take care of her.

I am hoping now that being under the care of hospice staff is the best thing for my gran. It hurts like hell to see her suffer so much but I think my mother took care of her to the very best of her ability, and it's now in the hands of trained professionals for however long she has left of her life.

An initial chat with the doctor was sort of positive I guess. She said that my nan seems cheery/upbeat, although a bit spaced out from the morphine and quite dehydrated.

There's no real way of knowing how long she'll last but the doc said she could be with us a couple of weeks longer. So I'll try to enjoy some last moments with her and hopefully it's a weight lifted from my mother's shoulders having professionals taking care of my nan in her current state.

Thanks again for the helpful advice.