Confused about the gay relationship world

dust123

Hi all, please get ready for the sweeping generalisations but I am looking for some reassurance about gay relationships. As someone who has been out of the closet 2 years, and had lots of dates with gay men, I am left confused. I can honestly say I am struggling to hear of a gay male couple who are loyal and faithful to each other. Let me be clear, the vast majority of stories I have heard are of gay couples who have open relationships, or are cheating, or are on grindr etc looking for other men. I dont have an issue with open relationships as they are both consenting adults. But I'm just worried that it's going to be difficult to find a partner who feels the same way as I do. Perhaps its the experience I have had, but its starting to concern me. Any thoughts on the topic would be great. Before you ask, I havent been burned in the past. Have had one brief 6 month relationship, which ended fine. I really don't wish to have to change my attitude on monogamy, but I also dont want to cut myself off from dating! Be friendly please, I haven't posted before! Would love your views.

baby and crumble

Well I'm not a gay man, but I know plenty of male couples who- to my knowledge, because obviously peoples relationships are often private things- are monogamous and happy.

You should never have to compromise yourself in any way for a relationship. That said, I don't know if monogamy is the most natural state of affairs. I used to think "NO WAY!" but knowing a few folks who are very happy in their non-monogamous relationships, who am I to say? Just find someone who shares your views and I'm sure you'll be fine.

newacc2015

If you are in the closet, immediately you are alienating a majority of guys. Most men wont want to date someone in the closet and rightly so. It is not easy to do it. If you are dating men, who are 'accepting' of you for being in the closet. I'm sorry but they aren't a fair representation of the gay community at all. You say you don't want to cut yourself from dating, but being in the closet you are.

If you want a full representation of the gay community, you wont find it in the niche that is guys comfortable dating closeted guys

Annasopra

newacc2015 wrote: »

If you are in the closet, immediately you are alienating a majority of guys. Most men wont want to date someone in the closet and rightly so. It is not easy to do it. If you are dating men, who are 'accepting' of you for being in the closet. I'm sorry but they aren't a fair representation of the gay community at all. You say you don't want to cut yourself from dating, but being in the closet you are.

If you want a full representation of the gay community, you wont find it in the niche that is guys comfortable dating closeted guys

I read the original post and I dont understand the link to to this reply

Quentin12

If you are in the closet, immediately you are alienating a majority of guys. Most men wont want to date someone in the closet and rightly so. It is not easy to do it. If you are dating men, who are 'accepting' of you for being in the closet. I'm sorry but they aren't a fair representation of the gay community at all. You say you don't want to cut yourself from dating, but being in the closet you are.

If you want a full representation of the gay community, you wont find it in the niche that is guys comfortable dating closeted guys

1. The OP says he is "out of the closet".

2. What's your basis for saying that the "majority of guys" won't date someone in "the closet" -- your social circle or do actually have surveys backing this up? If you look at dating apps, it is rarely mentioned.

dust123

Thanks for the reply. No I am a proud gay man who has been out for over two years. My original question was based on my experience of the gay dating world. I am finding it rare to hear of couples who are in exclusive relationships. My experience has been that they are either in open relationships (fine for them), or on Grindr looking for fun. All I wanted to know was if this is very common in the gay world, as I wouldnt feel comfortable being in that situation.

Rakish Paddy

I'm not gay myself, but in my wider social circle I know several same-sex couples (both male and female) who, as far as I am aware, are in loving and monogamous long-term relationships. Of course none of us knows what happens behind closed doors though.

Maybe it's an age thing? As a guy in my mid-30s a lot of my friends are now in long-term monogamous relationships, whereas in our early 20s a lot of us, whether gay or straight or whatever, were messing around and playing the field.

LLMMLL

I also don't know any successful long term monogamous gay relationships. My friend is convinced they're rare.

It may be true. But on the other hand maybe you are encountering couples through Grindr and the scene. There could be thousands of monogamous couples, and they're very unlikely to be Grinding, and maybe somewhat unlikely to be on the scene (or at least to interact with someone in their 20s on the scene).

I think monogamy is different to cheating. I think it's pretty likely everyone will get cheated on. Mistakes happen. It doesn't invalidate a relationship in my opinion.

baby and crumble

LLMMLL wrote: »

I also don't know any successful long term monogamous gay relationships. My friend is convinced they're rare.

It may be true. But on the other hand maybe you are encountering couples through Grindr and the scene. There could be thousands of monogamous couples, and they're very unlikely to be Grinding, and maybe somewhat unlikely to be on the scene (or at least to interact with someone in their 20s on the scene).

I think monogamy is different to cheating. I think it's pretty likely everyone will get cheated on. Mistakes happen. It doesn't invalidate a relationship in my opinion.

That's actually a really good point. I know I've been with my fiancee nearly 13 years and we're rarely on the scene and if we are we're just hanging out with our friends, actually not always paying attention to each other so you probably wouldn't clock us as a couple!

That sounds bad. You know what I mean!

dust123

Thanks. The couples I am talking about are mixture of those on grindr, but also couples I know of, who may be friends with gay people I know. What I am trying to say is that of all the gay couples I know, or have encountered, I dont know of one relationship that is exclusive. By the way, I have four lesbian friends, who are friends with lots of other lesbians, and it doesnt seem to crop up half as much. Would love to hear from other gay men about their experiences. Perhaps I had high hopes after the Marriage Referendum!

baby and crumble

dust123 wrote: »

What I am trying to say is that of all the gay couples I know, or have encountered, I dont know of one relationship that is exclusive.

That seems weird to me because of all the gay couples I know, only one is non-monogamous (granted that I know of, like others have said who knows what goes on in other peoples relationships!).

Ash885

All my friends are seeing boyfriends now 3+ years plus. All are exclusive. While open relationships will never be for me, I have no problem/judgement for those who do. I spent a large part of my life as a gay man worried what people thought I got up to in the bed room to never worry about others.

You'll find someone with the same principles as you. If you're encountering too much open relationships, log off the apps where the intentions are more often than not short-term fixes. And if you've not heard enough positive relationship stories, try befriending LGBT people outside the club/bar scene who might give you a more general picture.

bikeman1

I'm in a monogamous gay relationship with my boyfriend for the last year. I think when you find someone who ticks all the boxes, it is easy to maintain that.

I know a few other gay guys who are in the same situation, two for over 3 years.

I wouldn't be comfortable being with a guy who was ****ing around the place, even if it was within certain rules. Not for me.

We don't go out on the scene at all and probably just look like friends together. We are both in our late 20s and have done the playing around game already.

LegacyUser

I would have same experience of gay male relationships..I dont know of any that are monogamous.Ive been to a few civil partnership ceremonies and weddings,all of whom were open realtionships.Some on the outside looking in seem to be monogamous but I later found out one or both were on grindr.
Im gay but single at present.
When I first came out I attended my local lgbt meeting..couples that seemed exclusive at first,I quickly found out they were very active on grindr.

ixoy

I think it's possibly the circles you're mixing in - as said, grindr and the scene aren't really representative of the whole.

My fiancé and I are together 11 years, introduced by a couple who've been together a similar length of time. I know of plenty of other couples together many years too and very few of them would bother going near the scene and definitely not grindr, as they'd be in monogamous relationships.

playedalive

Hmmm it is quite interesting you bring up this question as I think it is an issue that can be fragile to talk about it without going into sweeping generalisations which you can't help but make based on experience and trying to navigate gay world,let alone gay relationship world.

I have been out since I was 21 (now 26). Whenever I have used the apps like grindr and Tindr, it has only ever amounted to flings or playing the field especially when it came to the realisation or communication went down the direction of 'fun?' to put it bluntly. Apps are really a minefield and a virtual reality. Personally speaking, I felt I needed to compromise myself in being more liberal in terms of monogamy and intentionally putting kinda staged pics (not random pics with me with friends but pics showing me in a non natural way to get chatting to guys and matched..whatever). Yet I have met people who have met on apps and are together so what might work for some doesn't work for you. Apps don't work as "a conscious way" of meeting guys for me and kinda make me a little desperate when kinda lonely so I have gone down the route of Meet ups which are a bit better and more natural. I have also gone out clubbing and out on the Dublin scene to the G, clubbing nights, Pantibar and the Front Lounge but I don't find it easy to just get chatting to people and the eye scan I have gotten from guys hasn't done much for my confidence. :P

In my current job I actually work with a handful of openly gay men and women and I have seemed to notice that the relationships whereby multinational relationships (i.e. one Irish partner and the other Portuguese or Italian) seem to have been the more successful. Again, I could sweep into generalisations that dating another Irish lad is too much drama in one relationship there but it is something I have noticed around me haha. But I guess the right moment happens when it happens and you put yourself out there not necessarily in an LGBT specific place like where I work for example which happens to have a strong vibrant LGBT representation.

wakka12

I'm in a happy monogamous relationship with my boyfriend of a year and a half, so there are some. And yes it seems as though open relationships and cheating are more common in gay relationships than straight ones, and I have large circles of gay and straight friends with lots of couples, in fact its blindingly obvious. I think its more because gay relationships having two men, instead of a man and woman, rather than anything to do with gay people being more sexual or promiscuous ,though..

Fleawuss

The OP is simply a vacuous generalization. I may as well say that all new accounts with single digit posts that rush to the LGBT forum to post negative comments on gay life are religious loons and/ or trolls. Like I said, that would be a vacuous generalization wouldn't it.

Annasopra

Fleawuss wrote: »

The OP is simply a vacuous generalization. I may as well say that all new accounts with single digit posts that rush to the LGBT forum to post negative comments on gay life are religious loons and/ or trolls. Like I said, that would be a vacuous generalization wouldn't it.

you were asked before not to accuse every new poster of having a religious agenda and to report posts you had concerns about

Ten of Swords

Your posts confuse me op, you've had a six month relationship that ended amicably, you see cheating everywhere but you say you were never burned so presumably your partner never cheated on you and yet you are wondering if there is any possibility of monogamous relationships. To me that doesn't make sense.

Yes of course monogamous gay relationships are possible, as other posters have attested. I am also in a monogamous and stable relationship, something I would not have believed possible a year ago, so it depends on what you're prepared to settle for - a potentially a frustrating search for the right person or short term gratification on the apps.

LLMMLL

A lot of the positive responses are about relationships that have lasted or are currently lasting 1-3 years. Personally I consider those to still be in the honeymoon phase to an extent. I imagine the OP is thinking more along the lines of 20+ years. But again, people who have been together a seriously long time probably aren't in the G every weekend, and probably don't socialise with 20 year olds. I really don't know if there is more long term relationships in the straight world than the gay world.

wakka12

Well you have to consider the fact that homosexuality has only become socially in the last ten years or so. Gay people are only now finding it easy to find others to date with relative ease. So its unrealistic to expect a lot of gay couples to be together for over 20 years considering how unacceptable homosexuality was just two decades ago

Annasopra

I dont really get this distinction between 3 years and 20+ years. Monogamy is monogamy.

LLMMLL

Just that most of the open relationships I know of did not start as open, and many I know that have ended were due to frustration at sex life (not involving cheating). I would say the vast majority of open relationships coke from people who never thought they'd be in an open relationship.

Leonard Hofstadter

I know several gay couples who are in monogamous relationships, I know some who are happily married or have fiancés. If it's something important to you OP (it would be important to me as well - open relationships are a no-no for me as well), don't sell out on it, you will find the right person in time.

pauliebdub

Quentin12 wrote: »

1. The OP says he is "out of the closet".

2. What's your basis for saying that the "majority of guys" won't date someone in "the closet" -- your social circle or do actually have surveys backing this up? If you look at dating apps, it is rarely mentioned.

It's a confidence thing, closeted guys tend to lack confidence and dating such a guy would lead to problems like him having hang ups about certain things like being open and relaxed while socializing. I wouldn't date a closeted guy.

Nebit

Can I just point that 'monogamy' has nothing to do with being in a completely committed relationship.

The LGBTI+ community tends to be more progressive with sexuality and different types of relationship dynamics (if you re going to be criticised for being gay may as well be in a relationship type that suits you). Ultimately I think embracing attitude of different relationship types plays into peoples experiences online.
The community is quite small, even in Dublin. Dating / social media apps are not a full representation of the community as a whole. People are forging longterm relationships at typically younger ages and being in these committed relationships are usually not overtly active on the scene (likely due to its associations with hook-up culture). This includes those in committed monogamous relationships and why you may not have had as much exposure to that dynamic.

People in open relationships can choose to be active on dating / social media apps hence why you would be exposed to people from this relationship dynamic.

This trend of embracing new relationship dynamics and forging relationships younger due to a safer overall environment in a relatively small LGBTI+ community means that there is a lack of single guys on these dating / social media apps looking for a committed monogamous relationship.

Bare with it more people join everyday, and you will meet someone with the same ideals as you.

jobbridge4life

wakka12 wrote: »

I'm in a happy monogamous relationship with my boyfriend of a year and a half, so there are some. And yes it seems as though open relationships and cheating are more common in gay relationships than straight ones, and I have large circles of gay and straight friends with lots of couples, in fact its blindingly obvious. I think its more because gay relationships having two men, instead of a man and woman, rather than anything to do with gay people being more sexual or promiscuous ,though..

Does it actually happen more because the relationships involve two men, or is it just that it is just more obvious because it is a gay relationship?

That is an honest question. I literally can't count the number of straight relationships I know of where cheating has occurred or is occurring. So I do wonder about the social stigma element, and perception bias.

I come from a small rural village, the scandals you wouldn't believe. I work in a large business, the scandals you wouldn't believe. But when straight person five million seven hundred and sixty-two thousand, three hundred and eighty-four engages in a covert affair we don't tend to jump and say 'oh lord is there no monogamy in the straight world?'.

jobbridge4life

Been out since I was 15. In a relationship with the same person for almost ten years, since I was 19. We haven't always been 'perfect', I put it down to age, but we are now* monogamous and utterly committed (they are not remotely the same thing). It does happen. Don't indulge in the tendency to see behaviour of one member, or even a lot of members, of a minority as a reflective of the entire community.

We don't all like Madonna even if a huge swathe of us do. We don't all love muscles even if a lot of us do.

*and have been for years and years

LLMMLL

jobbridge4life wrote: »

Does it actually happen more because the relationships involve two men, or is it just that it is just more obvious because it is a gay relationship?

That is an honest question. I literally can't count the number of straight relationships I know of where cheating has occurred or is occurring. So I do wonder about the social stigma element, and perception bias.

I come from a small rural village, the scandals you wouldn't believe. I work in a large business, the scandals you wouldn't believe. But when straight person five million seven hundred and sixty-two thousand, three hundred and eighty-four engages in a covert affair we don't tend to jump and say 'oh lord is there no monogamy in the straight world?'.

It's probably the open relationships that bother the OP more than the cheating. I don't think there's a higher level of cheating in gay couples vs straight couples but there do seem to be more open relationships.

baby and crumble

LLMMLL wrote: »

It's probably the open relationships that bother the OP more than the cheating. I don't think there's a higher level of cheating in gay couples vs straight couples but there do seem to be more open relationships.

I wonder are straight couples less likely to be open about their open relationships? I'd say so. The general feeling in the LGBTQ community is that an open mind goes a long way- so perhaps members of our community might be more likely to talk about it to their peers etc?