Boyfriend constantly siding with his child.

scoutinglady

I know this sounds really petty but my partner of three years has a child from a previous relationship and in the start we all got along and everything was grand. Lately though in the last few weeks I feel like my boyfriend completely undermines me when I ask the child to do something. For instance my partner told.me not to be so hard on the child after I asked them to pick up there shoes cos they walked over them and left in the middle of the floor. I was also.made to apologise for correcting them another day when I was rushing out the door and they where delaying. I was wondering has anybody else had a situation like this and what advice have they? I know the child now knows that if they runeed to daddy and give a sob story I am beingoing made apologise and they get away with it.

jimmycrackcorm

things might be not as straight forward as you think. You could for example ask your partner why he thinks it's ok for a child to leave their shoes in the middle of the floor and not pick them up.

However, I myself are the opinion that kids are kids and its not an army barracks so I'd be telling the child that they shouldn't be dropping their shoes there and I'll put them away.

My impression from your post is that you don't have any kids of your own.

goat2

I am a parent, my children come first, and I will always take their side, be it good or bad,
My kids always let their shoes and clothes on floors, never saw it as a problem for me, it is home, not a hotel

Second Toughest in_the Freshers

goat2 wrote: »

, it is home, not a hotel

funny, thats what we were told when we left things lying around when we were young...

Stheno

My Oh does this with his 26 and 23 year old children.

I'll ask them to clean up and he will help them.

It's just how parents are imo

His children have gotten better about it as time goes by, but he will still help them to avoid me getting annoyed

He'd a tough time as a father when they were younger and I attribute it to that.

Frankly as long as it gets done I've no real issue, I just don't want to clean up after them.

volchitsa

goat2 wrote: »

I am a parent, my children come first, and I will always take their side, be it good or bad,
My kids always let their shoes and clothes on floors, never saw it as a problem for me, it is home, not a hotel

Seriously? Good or bad? So if your child was bullying a smaller child, you'd support them no matter what?

As for encouraging your children to think it's ok to expect other people to pick up after them, boy are you setting them up for future disappointments in life.

(And yes I have children. Grown up, or nearly. Maybe that's why I have a longer term view than you seem to.)

DeadHand

You're right: it does sound petty.

He/she is not your child, you have no business attempting to discipline him/her- it's not your place.

If he does something you consider unacceptable- consult the father.

The example misdemeanours you use are trivial nonsense: nothing worth causing hassle over. You seem to be making a big deal of them which hints at deeper issues- such as possibly resenting the presence of the child. I sense some jealousy at play here.

Don't continue down this road. If you attempt to make this a competition between you and his child, and if he's any kind of man, you'll lose and lose badly.

If dealing with the child is so unpleasant for you then don't. He's not your responsibility.

cloloco

scoutinglady wrote: »

I know this sounds really petty but my partner of three years has a child from a previous relationship and in the start we all got along and everything was grand. Lately though in the last few weeks I feel like my boyfriend completely undermines me when I ask the child to do something. For instance my partner told.me not to be so hard on the child after I asked them to pick up there shoes cos they walked over them and left in the middle of the floor. I was also.made to apologise for correcting them another day when I was rushing out the door and they where delaying. I was wondering has anybody else had a situation like this and what advice have they? I know the child now knows that if they runeed to daddy and give a sob story I am beingoing made apologise and they get away with it.

Depends on childs age and how you're saying it. Do you all live together or does the child just visit?

volchitsa

DeadHand wrote: »

You're right: it does sound petty.

He/she is not your child, you have no business attempting to discipline him/her- it's not your place.

If he does something you consider unacceptable- consult the father.

The example misdemeanours you use are trivial nonsense: nothing worth causing hassle over. You seem to be making a big deal of them which hints at deeper issues- such as possibly resenting the presence of the child. I sense some jealousy at play here.

Don't continue down this road. If you attempt to make this a competition between you and his child, and if he's any kind of man, you'll lose and lose badly.

If dealing with the child is so unpleasant for you then don't. He's not your responsibility.

Weeeell. Maybe.

It could be all that, but going by the information given, the OP is (expected to) take on actual parenting roles, apparently - she was rushing out and the child was delaying things : if the other parent is the only one allowed to discipline, then until the child can be relied on to behave, the other parent will just have to do all the frustrating stuff where discipline is sometimes required.

If this isn't possible, then the partner has to be allowed to have some say too - and the first role of parenting is not to undermine the other parent.

So it could be that she's being unreasonable, and expecting military style behaviour from a small child - but it may also be that she's being expected to act like a mother without being allowed to scold if necessary. Thats treating her as unpaid child minding/cleaning staff and just isn't fair.

DeadHand

^^^^

Fair points well made- more information needed about the living situation in this case.

The flash points are over such minor issues I suspect larger, less visible grievances are at play here.

Still believe a girlfriend has no place directly disciplining a boyfriend's child (and vice versa, of course) except in extraordinary circumstances.

Sam Kade

scoutinglady wrote: »

I know this sounds really petty but my partner of three years has a child from a previous relationship and in the start we all got along and everything was grand. Lately though in the last few weeks I feel like my boyfriend completely undermines me when I ask the child to do something. For instance my partner told.me not to be so hard on the child after I asked them to pick up there shoes cos they walked over them and left in the middle of the floor. I was also.made to apologise for correcting them another day when I was rushing out the door and they where delaying. I was wondering has anybody else had a situation like this and what advice have they? I know the child now knows that if they runeed to daddy and give a sob story I am beingoing made apologise and they get away with it.

Dump him

DeadHand

Sam Kade wrote: »

Dump him

Could be onto something.

A person and their child should come as a package- if abiding by both is unbearable walking out is a far healthier option for all involved than attempting to modify either or driving a wedge between the two.

volchitsa

DeadHand wrote: »

^^^^

Fair points well made- more information needed about the living situation in this case.

The flash points are over such minor issues I suspect larger, less visible grievances are at play here.

Still believe a girlfriend has no place directly disciplining a boyfriend's child (and vice versa, of course) except in extraordinary circumstances.

I agree it's a minefield, parenting other people's children, but I don't agree that there's a hard and fast rule, and especially not one that so firmly puts the new partner into a subordinate role. That's not fair and not possible if the biological parent isn't always at hand to carry out the disciplining. Which he clearly wasn't.

If you think a child deliberately delaying you when you're rushing out somewhere is that minor that she shouldn't be allowed get annoyed over it, either you've never had an appointment you needed to be on time for, or you've never had to look after children for long. It's extremely frustrating, and to be made to apologize after would be humiliating. And those are my kids.

infogiver

When my friend met her husband he was newly divorced with a teenage son and daughter, the daughter in particular very upset about the divorce and very much taking her mothers side
My friend had no children herself and no maternal instinct
She said absolutely nothing, nada zilch beyond "dinners ready!" "Good night!" "Good morning!" until they were well into their twenties.
If they came to visit their dad at the weekends she just stuck to her normal coffee and shopping with friends on Saturday afternoon to give him time to spend with them
Shoes left on the floor dishes in the kitchen sink etc she just ignored and left them to the children's father to tidy away.
They're all adults now with spouses and kids of their own and everyone gets on just fine.
OP bite your tongue and these years will go by. Don't make trouble for yourself because he's not going to take your side over his own flesh and blood.

jameorahiely

Talk to your partner and find out if and why he's content to not teach the child rules and boundaries. Children should be able to tidy up after themselves. Who is benefitting from the child being messy and not expected to tidy up their own stuff?

Do you see children in your future with this man? If so you can see his style of parenting in advance. Is that the expectations he has for your future? (house a mess, children allowed to leave stuff everywhere, no expectation of them to respect their stuff or their living environment )


Even creches/ childminders etc have rules and routines.

CalamariFritti

It appears the three of you are living together and that means the three of you are now a family. Surely a step that wasn't taken lightly what with a child involved and all, both by you and him. In this situation - and I assume from your post the child is still pretty young - you now naturally have to assume parenting duties. And like all parents, whether she is yours or not, you will have to agree on a parenting line. The three of you as a family will not work with him and her being the inside family and you being someone sort of on the outside.

You will have to sit your man down and talk this through or you will lose your nut and probably the relationship.

bp

My 3 year old puts her shoes and coat away, why shouldn't they and I would tell my 4 year old niece to do the same. The four year old hangs her coat when she arrives. I would ask the same of my friends kids and would expect them to say it to mine. By the age of three they are well able to do minor chores like bringing their plate to the sink, it's good manners.

I would speak to your partner privately and calmly, kids need routine and expectations - things to achieve and be praised for.

listermint

DeadHand wrote: »

Could be onto something.

A person and their child should come as a package- if abiding by both is unbearable walking out is a far healthier option for all involved than attempting to modify either or driving a wedge between the two.

Erm isn't that a bit conflictory


They come as a package so you take both on... But stay out of the child's business..


Your advice is all over the place today

dubrov

Undermining you in front of the child isn't acceptable. He should've had a quiet word with you if he disagreed with you.

How is the kid ever going to respect you if your boyfriend overrides you all the time

Big Bag of Chips

I often apologise to my children for shouting or getting angry.. rushing out the door and having children delay is a staple in every house in the country with children, I'd say! And sometimes, it's my fault that I've left it too close and then I'm shouting at them to speed it up. How old is the child? Children are children and they are only learning. Really most of them are still learning up until they move out, and then it's a steep learning curve when someone isn't following them around reminding them of how to get dressed and get out the door on time!

If you see the child at weekends, then learn to let things go. Let his dad deal with him. If he lives with you then there should be house rules, that everyone has to stick to. Agreed between you all. There has to be respect, but it has to be a two way street. If you snap at the child, then you should apologise, same as you'd apologise to any adult if you snapped at them. Respect works both ways!

I know when I started going out with my husband there were things about his 4 year old that used to bother me. Like most non-parents I was an expert on how children should behave/be treated! It was only when I had my own I realised I didn't really know all that much!!

volchitsa

I agree with all that, but being "made apologize" is very different from realizing that you overreacted and saying something yourself.

That said, I'm aware that people without children do tend to imagine that children are best brought up like mini soldiers, and maybe some leeway may also be required.

As you say, it's a learning process, on both sides - and it's bound to be a lot harder for someone who wasn't in at the beginning, so to speak!

Big Bag of Chips

volchitsa wrote: »

I agree with all that, but being "made apologize" is very different from realizing that you overreacted and saying something yourself.

scoutinglady wrote: »

For instance my partner told.me not to be so hard on the child after I asked them to pick up there shoes cos they walked over them and left in the middle of the floor. I was also made to apologise for correcting them another day when I was rushing out the door and they where delaying.

There's not enough information given to know whether the OP was being reasonable or was demanding/scolding. I have done it. I have shouted at my own children for delaying getting out the door, and then I have apologised for getting angry at them. A child doesn't necessarily deliberately delay you going out the door. They're just children and do what children do. They're the centre of their own universe and don't give the same importance to getting out the door to appointments as adults do. And more often than not, if an adult is rushing out the door and a child delaying a couple of minutes to find a coat/shoes/toothbrush whatever, makes them late, then they've left themselves too tight on time. So being late doesn't necessarily come down to being the child's fault for delaying. But snapping because you're stressed and rushing is your fault, not the child's.

Children tend to react to the adult. If you're calm and reasonable, the child in general tends to react the same. If you're snappy and demanding the child will react similarly.

Of course some children are just brats

volchitsa

Absolutely, and I began by saying that we didn't have enough information to judge. However an adult whose responsibility it is to get the child out the door in time for a fixed time (whether for her or for the child) is taking a parenting role, and as such should not be being undermined by being "made apologize" even for getting snappy, never mind for expecting stuff to be picked up.

It may well be that ground rules about what the child can reasonably be expected to do need to be decided (we don't even know if the child is 4 or 14+) but in no case can someone be expected to parent without being granted basic parental authority.

Big Bag of Chips

volchitsa wrote: »

However an adult whose responsibility it is to get the child out the door in time for a fixed time (whether for her or for the child) is taking a parenting role, and as such should not be being undermined by being "made apologize" even for getting snappy, never mind for expecting stuff to be picked up.

True, but if you snapped at an adult for delaying you (probably unintentionally) would you think you should apologise for snapping? I would. If I snapped out of stress and the other person weren't deliberately delaying just to annoy me. Which is what children tend to do.

.......in no case can someone be expected to parent without being granted basic parental authority.

True, but being a parent and having parental authority doesn't mean that you should never have to apologise to a child! I would have been brought up like that. I can't think of a time my mother ever apologised to me as a child. But I can remember times when I got given out to for something that wasn't fully my fault. I remember before I had children listening to two mothers talking in our staff room. One mother had had a row with her son that morning about something or other. In my eyes, she was being a mother and doing what mothers do. The other mother (whose children were a little bit older) said to her "make sure you apologise to him when he gets in this evening". I couldn't believe what I was hearing!! A parent!! Apologising to their child!!??? But she was right. I can't remember the specifics but the mother wasn't entirely in the right, and the son wasn't entirely in the wrong.

She was a bit surprised at the suggestion that she should apologise to her son. As was I! But that mother was 100% right in her advice. I remember lots of her advice and apply it with my own children. A wise woman!!

In our family we all have our moments, but for the most part there is a respect. We all understand that people (both adults and children) sometimes lose their cool and react in a way that maybe isn't the best. I can approach my children and admit that. And in turn they have approached me on occasions, (unprompted!) and apologised for shouting/delaying/over reacting whatever.

goat2

When I am wrong, i will apologize, to my children , it is so wrong to think that we are above that, we all can and do things wrong now and then, so it helps to admit to our own shortcomings. it teaches the children to fess up and apopogize when needed.

goat2

volchitsa wrote: »

Seriously? Good or bad? So if your child was bullying a smaller child, you'd support them no matter what?

As for encouraging your children to think it's ok to expect other people to pick up after them, boy are you setting them up for future disappointments in life.

(And yes I have children. Grown up, or nearly. Maybe that's why I have a longer term view than you seem to.)

They were brought up to respect all, no bullying from mine, they actually help others, collecting for charity and helping their grandparents, who need a hand out now and then,
but like I say home is home,

Bandana boy

goat2 wrote: »

I am a parent, my children come first, and I will always take their side, be it good or bad,
My kids always let their shoes and clothes on floors, never saw it as a problem for me, it is home, not a hotel

Your their parent first not their friend , this is a terrible way of parenting , in fact is not parenting at all .

dar100

If your taking on parent role you should be able to say whatever you want, especially if the child is living in your home and your acting in parentis locus

volchitsa

goat2 wrote: »

They were brought up to respect all, no bullying from mine, they actually help others, collecting for charity and helping their grandparents, who need a hand out now and then,
but like I say home is home,

Well unless you have servants, it certainly is a lack of respect for whoever does the clearing up after them. I gather that's you, and you don't mind - but what if later on their partner doesn't feel like being their skivvy? At what stage do you expect them to learn that even people who share your home are still entitled to respect, if you don't expect respect from them yourself?

scoutinglady

scoutinglady wrote: »

I know this sounds really petty

No it does not. Quite often parents are on different pages when it comes to discipline and rules and their enforcement. Sometimes especially so when the child comes from a previous relationship.

What _is_ petty is undermining your authority in front of the child and _demanding_ apologies from you. These things should be talked out later and questions asked above how such scenarios would be best dealt with going forward.

And if an apology for how you acted _is_ deemed to be a good move - you should be seen to do this under your own steam - not at the behest and demands of your partner. Apologies on demand are worth bugger all.

Certainly however if you are living together - and you are expected to share in the guardianship of children - then you have every bit as much right to enforce rules and discipline as any "actual" parent does - and you can ignore advice to the contrary on this thread as being the nonsense it is.

Especially when they come with armchair psychology diagnoses such as "jealousy" or suggestions you are trying to drive a wedge between them.

But where psychology is useful to be aware of is a common phenomenon with parents who split up. Often the child will play one parent off another - and sometimes this causes one or both parents to want to go easier on the child in terms of things like enforcing rules and discipline. Because they fear the child will then like them less than the other parents because of it - or they will push the child away and the other parent will "win" or some other guff.

So it _can_ be more difficult for a separated parent to step up to discipline and enforcement of rules - either directly or vicariously through you - to the point they can even resist it entirely. It is worth being aware of and watching out for.

Hibrasil

scoutinglady wrote: »

I know this sounds really petty but my partner of three years has a child from a previous relationship and in the start we all got along and everything was grand. .......I was made to apologise for correcting them another day when I was rushing out the door and they where delaying........ I am made apologise and they get away with it.

Put simply this is two against one.....where eventually you will be nothing more than a doormat (sorry to say that). You need to get fundamental agreement on what is and is not acceptable in the home.....an agreement that everybody accepts and works with....otherwise it's a case of looking at whether you have become a practical convenience for your partner, in which case you may wish to get out before you have wasted too much of your time....I know there are practical considerations to be taken in to account....but being a doormat for a possible couch potato is not something you want to be....in whatever you do i wish you the best of luck:)