Stay at home parents

Woodbrook80

Hi is there any stay at home parents here, ive a little boy who is 10 months im due back to work but im thinking of quitting as I don't want to miss out on him while his small finances is the only thing how do ye find being a stay at home parents

bp

I find it 51% wonderful and 49% screaming inside! It is the hardest job ever!

Pros:
The unconditional love
The smile and knowing that if they are sick, hurt etc mammy/ daddy is there to provide the cuddle
No missing work as they are sick/ bug in crèche etc
No having to make arrangements re meetings, travel with work
You get to see everything they do

Cons
It can suck the life out of you sonetimes when you don't get to see another adult all day
They are stuck to your leg all day long so trying to do anything eat/ pee/ cook/ laundry etc can be hard (especially when they can move to follow)
A cup of tea is peace doesn't exist as even when they nap you have to get a million jobs done
House is always a mess - kids thrown everything
Play cafes etc get pricy after a while (wet days out etc)
You will need mammy company

I say all this as a stay at home parent who went back to work between children - that had stresses too but I got to be me outside the role of mammy.

I am happy to stay at home right now but will go back for my own sanity! I have good children and one is in play school but it's a hard job.

Moonbeam

Personally I don't think that I could be at home with one, I nearly cracked up on my 1st maternity leave but I did change to a 3 day week.
I am at home since 3 was inevitable and I would say I am 70% happy and 30% wanting a job!
I have 4 and at one stage I had a baby,15 month old,3 and 5 year olds, I can tell you little about that 1st year i was always tired but I loved being there and if was working then school choices at the time would not have been possible.
My hubby works long hours and travels a lot so I am on my own for most of it which can be hard when you just want someone else to help or to fight over the remote control with but it would not be possible if I was also going out to work full time.
When I was at home with #3 I realised that I had missed out on a bit with the rest of them, I absolutely love kids and love watching them develop as little people and find their own way.
Now they are 8,,6,4 and 2 and I would love to have a life of my own sometimes, I feel that I lost alot of my independence and find it hard to rely on someone else for everything.
I am a terrible house keeper which really does not help!
I had my own house,car and income and worked in an industry that I loved and my social life revolved around that.
When I went back the 2nd time I was brain dead and just wanted to leave.

mad about nuts

Moonbeam wrote: »

Personally I don't think that I could be at home with one, I nearly cracked up on my 1st maternity leave but I did change to a 3 day week.
I am at home since 3 was inevitable and I would say I am 70% happy and 30% wanting a job!
I have 4 and at one stage I had a baby,15 month old,3 and 5 year olds, I can tell you little about that 1st year i was always tired but I loved being there and if was working then school choices at the time would not have been possible.
My hubby works long hours and travels a lot so I am on my own for most of it which can be hard when you just want someone else to help or to fight over the remote control with but it would not be possible if I was also going out to work full time.
When I was at home with #3 I realised that I had missed out on a bit with the rest of them, I absolutely love kids and love watching them develop as little people and find their own way.
Now they are 8,,6,4 and 2 and I would love to have a life of my own sometimes, I feel that I lost alot of my independence and find it hard to rely on someone else for everything.
I am a terrible house keeper which really does not help!
I had my own house,car and income and worked in an industry that I loved and my social life revolved around that.
When I went back the 2nd time I was brain dead and just wanted to leave.

Such an honest post, it crazy to think the effects of kids will have. Im a part timer with 3 kids trying to decide which way to go...continue working but will meed more childcare or become a stay at home.......

LegacyUser

mad about nuts wrote: »

Such an honest post, it crazy to think the effects of kids will have. Im a part timer with 3 kids trying to decide which way to go...continue working but will meed more childcare or become a stay at home.......

Nothing amazing about the post, the world and his wife knows being a stay-at-home parent is boring. You get no respect nor kudos either, and you are considered lazy by the media and the government.

If you can ignore all that crap, you'll be doing your child the most wonderful service. The years from 0-3 are fundamental for children, to be present for them years is the best a parent can do for their children. In my experience, once you bag those years, the rest is easy. Our children transitioned to school with total ease. Granted we haven't had a proper holiday in five years, but we can live with that. Plenty of time for that. Time now is for children first, us second.

MountainAshIRL

Best thing I ever done, I stayed at home with my lo till they were 3 1/2 when they went for free preschool year and was planning to go to school year after I went back. I actually decided to retrain and went back to full time education.
I'm so glad I took the time off to spend at home with him while he was young and I could. I get what the other posters are saying but it also doesn't have to be like that there's plenty of ways to get out and about and have adult company while being a stay at home parent.
If you can afford to then I would say absolutely go for it

Feeling sad!

MountainAshIRL wrote: »

Best thing I ever done, I stayed at home with my lo till they were 3 1/2 when they went for free preschool year and was planning to go to school year after I went back. I actually decided to retrain and went back to full time education.
I'm so glad I took the time off to spend at home with him while he was young and I could. I get what the other posters are saying but it also doesn't have to be like that there's plenty of ways to get out and about and have adult company while being a stay at home parent.
If you can afford to then I would say absolutely go for it

I second this. I love love loved being at home. I was at home with my daughter for 2 years, then went back to work part time. I had my 2nd last year and I'm back at work again full time, although I'm purely back for financial reasons only. I would love to stay at home again but we need to save for a deposit.

My own mother died young and this really drove home to me how precious life is and how fast your children will grow up and every moment with them is so important. Family is everything to me.

I think the trick to staying at home is to have a weekly routine going. Monday I used to send my daughter to a crèche and either have a rest or catch up on housework or run errands. Tuesday would be Tiny Tots music classes, Wednesday we'd go to a friends house or just rest or to the park or the library. On Thursday we'd go swimming and Friday to the local parent and child group. I found it was much easier to make friends when I was at home and able to network through the above. I was able to control what my daughter ate, cared for her when she was sick. All the nice stuff about being a Mum.

I hate being at work. Rushing out the door in the morning, being tired when I come home. Not having the same patience as I should for them. Not looking after them when they're sick and having to hand them over for someone else to look after them. Everything seems like one big rush job.

I would love to have one more child and when my children have all gone to school, I will maybe think about retraining or going into a different line of work within education.

You might not be rich but you'd surprise yourself how little you could live on. You will get very thrifty.

Honestly the best memories I ever have are when I was with my children full time. I loved seeing them grow and develop and know that I could say it was from my hard work entirely (sorry this isn't meant to make anyone working full time feel bad)

Coopaloop

When I had my first I only had 5 and a half months maternity leave, as he went two weeks over so it ate into my time, it killed me to go back but my job didn't pay maternity leave so the state maternity just barely kept me going (luckily hubby made enough to tide us over). When I got pregnant with second it was the same deal, luckily I got made redundant whilst on maternity leave, and got quite a nice payout so was able to stay home for much longer and loved it, and then I completely lucked out and got another job where I work from home, and can get my work done in around 3 hours a day, less some days, so I'm home with my two now, and I completely love it. Could not even think of going back to an office (at the moment). So it really all depends on you, if it's something you really want? Can you afford to do it? Could you go part time perhaps to see?
Best of luck with whatever you decide, I lucked out, and wouldn't change it now for the world. But you do need to make time for just you, and get adult time in too.

shesty

I'm going to give my 2c just because I'm struggling with this right now but I'm a couple years on down the line from you OP.

I've gone back to work in the last couple weeks, baba no. 2 is 10 months. I went back to work after baba no. 1 when she was 8.5 months. It was very upsetting, if I'm honest. We have a childminder who is brilliant which helps a lot.

I've been through 3 jobs in the interim. The one I returned to after no.1 I worked 4 days in the office and one day from home. Hours weren't too bad and work wasn't stressful, but there was a bit of a commute. I still managed to pick her up before 5. Job no. 2 was a disaster, it didn't work out like I'd hoped at all .I was relying on public transport, commute was an hour and half each way, they allowed me little or no flexibility in my hours. I was due to go back to it on a 4 day week, but however - I'm in job no. 3 now which is ticking all the boxes for now. It's much much closer to home, I'm under way less stress in the mornings and evenings to get out and home in good time. Hours are good, and the work looks ok so far. Downside - I'm back on a full 5 day working week.For now.

I was going back on a four day week to the second job regardless of the money. I just didn't care. I wanted to be at home more than just the weekend (especially given the time I was away during the days I actually worked), and I couldn't handle the commute. I was so stressed out by it all.

I stopped work about 6 weeks before baby no. 2 was due and between one thing and another, I had my (then) 19 month old daughter full time on my own. And obviously once no. 2 came, I had them both full time on my own. A 10 month old is a lovely age. But before you know it, that 10 month old is a walking, talking individual with a personality and VERY strong ideas of it's own And your ability to meander around shopping centres with a buggy, or take long walks with the buggy dwindles down til eventually you are spending your days standing in windy playgrounds or coaxing a reluctant toddler along for a 50m walk that takes an hour. I'm not trying to be overly negative here, but I'm just thinking of myself and the reality of how it changes. And with no. 2....jesus, getting out is a military operation - the gear , the timing (between naps and feeds!!), the snacks, the bag of stuff that needs bringing along....and it quite quickly gets to a point where you sort of sink under housework, constant feeding of one child or another, and endless wiping - of hands, faces, surfaces, floors etc.

Ok now I'm being a bit more negative than I intended. Along with all of that, I loved being at home with my kiddies. I loved being able to do the kiddie stuff with them - go to the playground when nearly empty at 10am on a Tuesday morning, teach my daughter how to sit (for about 3 minutes!) and have a "coffee" in a little shop near us, meet a couple of other mums on and off for an hour (not much sitting around in groups with a nutty 2 year old....), go the bank/shop/PO etc when I needed to, and not have to worry about what to do with them when they're sick (although to be fair, our minder is excellent in that way).

But it's hard. It's hard, hard, hard. It's lonely and sometimes demoralising and I did feel some days like I was just sinking and becoming non-existent. I'm thinking about this a lot at the moment, but I'm very torn. I'm thinking - they're so small, I hate leaving them all day, I'm busy and get very little time, my house is a mess, everything has to be done at the weekends, the list goes on.

But I'm also thinking ...... my older girl will start playschool soon and I'll suddenly have time on my hands. And before I know it, they'll both be there. And then school. And then - what about me? And if I take 5-10 years out, I won't get back in easily.I'm not a career person at all, but I won't get back in at any level easily. And what about further down the road - pensions and the like? How will I buy back those years, where I wouldn't be paying into one? And can I really cope with being on my own with 2 smallies everyday? And I have 2 girls - I want to show them that they can have jobs, that women can work and have choices about what they do with their lives, that it's worth all the years of education and hard work. I don't believe you can "have it all", but I do believe you should give yourself the ability to at least be able to chose.

Right now I've settled for getting a job in the best position I can (geographically speaking) to minimise my commute and my hours. I really hope in the near future I can stay with this company but drop to a shorter week for a few years. But that's what works for me - I'm not entirely happy with it but I suppose I do have to think longer than just the next 3-5 years too.And like somebody else here, we do need some extra money right now because we need to do some work on our house. What you decide to do is entirely personal and what works for you OP, but I suppose just remember whatever you chose, it's not forever. You can change your mind if you feel you need to at any point.

Sorry about the long meandering post, I'm just thinking about this a lot lately.

Ms2011

My 2 are almost 5 & 2, I was made redundant when I was 8 weeks pregnant with no.1 so was kind of thrust into being a stay at home parent but tbh I wouldn't have it any other way.
I don’t find it lonely in the least, there always seems to be something to do or somewhere to go.
I like that if my child falls down I get to pick them up, if they are sick I get to tend them. I can attend bake sales, sports days, school plays etc. without worrying if I will get time off.
I worked in logistics before I was made redundant & I still very much use alot of those skills only transfered to my home life. I take care of the finances, I make sure everything is paid on time, everyone has what they need.
I don't feel I'm any less than I was when I worked & I feel I'm setting a good example to my kids. I'm very much the head of my household despite not being the 'breadwinner' & that takes intelligence & strength of character imo.
It helps too that my husband is a very hands on dad so I get my breaks if I need them which is important too.
There are pros & cons to both sides so you can really only go by your own unique set of circumstances when all is said & done.

Feeling sad!

Ms2011 wrote: »

My 2 are almost 5 & 2, I was made redundant when I was 8 weeks pregnant with no.1 so was kind of thrust into being a stay at home parent but tbh I wouldn't have it any other way.
I don’t find it lonely in the least, there always seems to be something to do or somewhere to go.
I like that if my child falls down I get to pick them up, if they are sick I get to tend them. I can attend bake sales, sports days, school plays etc. without worrying if I will get time off.
I worked in logistics before I was made redundant & I still very much use alot of those skills only transfered to my home life. I take care of the finances, I make sure everything is paid on time, everyone has what they need.
I don't feel I'm any less than I was when I worked & I feel I'm setting a good example to my kids. I'm very much the head of my household despite not being the 'breadwinner' & that takes intelligence & strength of character imo.
It helps too that my husband is a very hands on dad so I get my breaks if I need them which is important too.
There are pros & cons to both sides so you can really only go by your own unique set of circumstances when all is said & done.

You put it perfectly, so much better than me! I completely agree with all of the above. I completely get what you're saying about the budgeting too. I can really stretch the pennies, I was probably far too wasteful and had too much stuff pre children. Now I'm only buying stuff on a need to buy basis. Seeking out special offers and shopping in sales because I have a lot less money.

Also, my mother was a stay at home mother and all of her children have good careers. I don't think children have to see their mothers have careers to be high achievers themselves, quite the opposite actually from what I see in my job.

Maybe I'm doing it all wrong but I can't plan so far into the future that I'm worried about retiring and my pension. I'd rather live in the here and now and enjoy my babies now. Who knows what will happen down the line, carpe diem and all of that.

shesty

Ms2011 wrote: »

My 2 are almost 5 & 2, I was made redundant when I was 8 weeks pregnant with no.1 so was kind of thrust into being a stay at home parent but tbh I wouldn't have it any other way.
I don’t find it lonely in the least, there always seems to be something to do or somewhere to go.
I like that if my child falls down I get to pick them up, if they are sick I get to tend them. I can attend bake sales, sports days, school plays etc. without worrying if I will get time off.
I worked in logistics before I was made redundant & I still very much use alot of those skills only transfered to my home life. I take care of the finances, I make sure everything is paid on time, everyone has what they need.
I don't feel I'm any less than I was when I worked & I feel I'm setting a good example to my kids. I'm very much the head of my household despite not being the 'breadwinner' & that takes intelligence & strength of character imo.
It helps too that my husband is a very hands on dad so I get my breaks if I need them which is important too.
There are pros & cons to both sides so you can really only go by your own unique set of circumstances when all is said & done.

Quite true, I'm in project management and I also run the house. Somedays I wish "mother" or "parent" was a "qualification" you could put on a CV, it's a career in itself.

Definitely it's a unique choice. I do think myself that money isn't a deciding factor generally, that you can often get by on a lot less than you think (obviously once you're not going to put yourself in arrears on mortgage payments or something big like that, by dropping to one salary). There are a lot of other more important reasons.

Digs

Ms2011 wrote: »

My 2 are almost 5 & 2, I was made redundant when I was 8 weeks pregnant with no.1 so was kind of thrust into being a stay at home parent but tbh I wouldn't have it any other way.
I don’t find it lonely in the least, there always seems to be something to do or somewhere to go.
I like that if my child falls down I get to pick them up, if they are sick I get to tend them. I can attend bake sales, sports days, school plays etc. without worrying if I will get time off.
I worked in logistics before I was made redundant & I still very much use alot of those skills only transfered to my home life. I take care of the finances, I make sure everything is paid on time, everyone has what they need.
I don't feel I'm any less than I was when I worked & I feel I'm setting a good example to my kids. I'm very much the head of my household despite not being the 'breadwinner' & that takes intelligence & strength of character imo.
It helps too that my husband is a very hands on dad so I get my breaks if I need them which is important too.
There are pros & cons to both sides so you can really only go by your own unique set of circumstances when all is said & done.

Brilliantly put! Completely agree. I went back to work on my first, to be honest because I thought I should. Completely different story on my second. I feel I missed out on so much of my first child's development. I also felt I had two jobs, in work and at home and I couldn't do either well because I was being pulled in too many directions. We've decided I'm staying home for the next few years and I couldn't be happier about it or more relieved. In a similar vein I'm a accountant so can look after the running of the home confidently.

I have two girls and I amn't concerned I'm setting an example that a mothers place is not to work. Quite the opposite. I've done well in my career so far and I now have the choice to do something different for a while. Personally for me, it's important for me to be there for them in their early years. I'll return to work when they're a bit older.

Everyone's situation and wants and needs are different. Neither decision is the right one for every family. The best decision is the one that you're happiest with. For me, something about leaving the youngest didn't sit right with me and I feel lucky the decision was an easy and possible one for me to make.

yellow hen

Digs wrote: »

Brilliantly put! Completely agree. I went back to work on my first, to be honest because I thought I should. Completely different story on my second. I feel I missed out on so much of my first child's development. I also felt I had two jobs, in work and at home and I couldn't do either well because I was being pulled in too many directions.

I could have written this word for word. I fully intended on staying home now after my second child but my job have offered me half time with some of that working from home. Although I'd rather be home all the time, I felt this was an offer too good to pass on. However I'll start work early so be home for 3:30 and this time I've gotten a minder so my little one doesn't have to go to creche. Were money no option though, i'd stay at home and spend as much time as possible with the kids. Those early days are gone in a heartbeat

SettlePettal

I'm in the same boat really. My LO is 7 months and I have just had to leave my job. Basically the cost of childcare just doesn't add up on my wage. I would be working to pay for someone else to mind him.

My partner works abroad so i am pretty much alone 24/7.I have my week mapped out a bit so i try keep busy and i only have one so as stressful as it is sometimes i imagine nothing close to having more than one. I do enjoy going for a coffee and taking my time doing the shopping.

I feel like i am somebody else though. I get pangs of my life before so strong sometimes that i almost break into tears. I think with his dad not here it is just much harder so that is probably making it worse.

I feel as though better things are ahead. The summer is coming and it makes me happy to think of me and my son going the beach on a Monday and all the valuable time i get to spend watching him grow up.

You can do it for the foreseeable future or until you feel that you are ready to return. Things will change, nothing seems to stay the same. One day it might seem like the right thing to return and you and baby will be in a better place to part . That's what i'm kind of thinking.

shesty

SettlePettal wrote: »

I'm in the same boat really. My LO is 7 months and I have just had to leave my job. Basically the cost of childcare just doesn't add up on my wage. I would be working to pay for someone else to mind him.

My partner works abroad so i am pretty much alone 24/7.I have my week mapped out a bit so i try keep busy and i only have one so as stressful as it is sometimes i imagine nothing close to having more than one. I do enjoy going for a coffee and taking my time doing the shopping.

I feel like i am somebody else though. I get pangs of my life before so strong sometimes that i almost break into tears. I think with his dad not here it is just much harder so that is probably making it worse.

I feel as though better things are ahead. The summer is coming and it makes me happy to think of me and my son going the beach on a Monday and all the valuable time i get to spend watching him grow up.

You can do it for the foreseeable future or until you feel that you are ready to return. Things will change, nothing seems to stay the same. One day it might seem like the right thing to return and you and baby will be in a better place to part . That's what i'm kind of thinking.

Very, very hard alone. You are one strong mammy. Hope you have some support there.

angeldelight

I'm quite lucky - I work two days a week and am at home with my almost two year old the other three days. I really hate my job but it pays well and we wouldn't get by on my husbands income. My little girl is with her Granda one of the days I work and in a wonderful little creche two days (the second day is the day I do all the ironing, food shopping etc so I have the luxury of not having to do all that with her around). I would still love to be at home with her full time though - she's just great fun. I can see the benefits she has already gained from being in creche too though