How to confront mother over alcoholism

Censorsh!t

Hi all,

Myself and my dad think my mother is an alcoholic. Every evening after work she will drink at least a bottle of wine, sometimes more. On weekends this extends to a bottle of wine and a few gin and tonics, often starting as early as noon.

After around 3 glasses she often starts repeating herself a lot, and if things don't go as she likes, or if one of us says something she doesn't really like, she gets quite aggressive, often calling us quite nasty names.

The whole thins is causing me quite a lot of anxiety - I suffer from anxiety and depression anyway, but having to walk on eggshells around her every evening and every weekend is exhausting, and makes me extremely tense. Unfortunately I cannot move out at this stage as I am in the final year of a PhD.


My dad has broached the topic a number of times to her but she denies it, and if she is drunk, will get extremely defensive and aggressive. Similarly, when I have brought it up, she will tell me to f**k off and mind my own business. Or when sober she kind of laughs it off, as if it's not a problem.


We don't have a great relationship as it is, and anytime I have tried to talk to her about anything that upsets me (her comments on me being fat (I'm not), comments on my work etc), she tells me to stop being stupid, that I'm imagining things. So bringing this up is something that I am very scared to do. My mom and dad also don't have a very good relationship.

Can anyone offer any advice? Is there any other way, without me or my dad directly saying something to her, that she can realise she has a problem?

Thank you all in advance.

Big Bag of Chips

There's not a lot you can do. Your mam will know that she has a problem. She gets defensive about it because she's not ready to admit it yet. Until she does face it herself she will continue to deny/argue/minimise/defend and attack!

Talking to her when she is drunk is pointless. Utterly pointless. You will get no good from her. Whatever chance you have with her it has to be when she's not drinking. But if you don't have a good relationship to begin with she's not going to appreciate you broaching it with her.

For yourself and your dad you should look up http://www.al-anon-ireland.org

RD10

show her a video of herself in her abusive form. surely she'll feel bad watching herself treat her family members like this.

jopax

Hi op,

Very sorry to hear about your situation but I agree there really isn't much you can do. Its been said to her already and she doesn't want to know or change.
I spent way too many years of my life living the same way you are now, & if I had my time back I would have just left when I had the means.
If you keep living like this she will drag you down too, you could end up suffering with depression as i did.
I really wish I had some words of wisdom to give you but misfortunately it is a lost cause unless she decides to change.
Please just finish your PhD, get s job & then leave, it's all you can do to save yourself.
I feel for you & I hope you take care of you, as no one else can do this for you.

Censorsh!t

Thank you all for replies.

I understand saying things when she is drunk is counter-productive, and I never mean to, but sometimes I do out of frustration. For the most part I avoid being around her when she is like that though.

Do you think it is an option to tell her GP, or is that inappropriate?

Both me and my dad will be away for a week soon also, and it has crossed my mind to leave her a letter, because talking face-to-face is so difficult and emotional.

Big Bag of Chips

Of course you can talk to her GP. That's not inappropriate. It would be inappropriate if he discussed her medical issues with you without her consent, but you can definitely alert him to your concerns about her.

He might already suspect or know. Especially if she ever has to have bloods taken. Her Liver Function Test might come back as quite high which would be an indicator. He may well have spoken to her about it and she's ignoring him too. But there is no harm in you contacting him.

And yes, it's very difficult to not get frustrated. A letter might work better in that she would have time to read, process and understand it. She may also read a few lines, get defensive and bin it. But even if she does you're no worse off than you are now. Definitely Al-Anon would be off benefit to you. You'll meet so many other people in situations that mirror yours.

How old are you? Are you in a position to move out of home?

Censorsh!t

Thank you - I think I may contact her GP - at least they will know, and if it hasn't been discussed already, my mother may be more willing to listen to a professional outside of the family.

I'm in my mid-twenties, but unfortunately not in a position to move out. I am a year away from finishing a doctoral degree. I have tried every possible funding option as a means to try move out, and taken extra teaching hours, but it hasn't been enough. I spend a lot of my time in college, so do get to avoid being at home as much as possible.

pilly

It's a very difficult situation for you OP but I agree with other posters, there is very little you can do until your mother comes to the realisation that she has a problem herself.

You can however look after yourself in the meantime. Al-Anon is a good idea or if you don't like the idea of a group setting then maybe see an individual counsellor.

Also, try not to take things to heart such as her criticising your weight. Alcoholics and addicts often put others down to make themselves feel better. Easier said than done I know.

Best of luck.

Sheog

Hi Op,

Sounds like you and your Dad are going through a very difficult time of it.

Something that I have learnt in life (the hard way) is that you can't change other people you can only change yourself. I definitely agree with the advice and support from the other posters. You need to take care of yourself, and also try to be there for your Dad too.

Have you any other siblings, or has your Mom got siblings/ parents? Maybe you could all rally together in a sort of intervention and confront her about it when she is sober to show her how serious this is and how difficult it has been for you and your Dad? I am sure that there are support groups/ websites with information that could help with this. There may even be group counselors that could facilitate it?

In relation to looking after yourself, do you have any friends or relatives that you could stay with even for a night or two, now and again to give you a break away from it?

Wishing you all the best!

Sephiroth_dude

I really feel for you O.P, me and my family are going through the same thing but with my older brother. He's drunk almost all of the time these days and goes on month long binges and when he stops drinking (because he can't drink anymore) he gets these seizures from alcohol withdrawal. He had one wednesday and was released from hospital yesterday . Like your mother he just won't admit he has a problem or do anything about it, I've shown him videos of himself where by he was being abusive too me and mam and dad and it had no effect on him, he just brushes it off , Like you I just try and avoid him when he's drunk and if hear him giving my mam or dad abuse I step in, its really heartbreaking though and although I have no advice for you I just wanted you too you're not alone.