Is this a reasonable request to ask of a partner

LegacyUser

I'm just wondering is it reasonable of me to ask my girlfriend to send me a text when she gets home after a night out to say she's home safe. Nothing else just that she's home ok?
There's nothing else sinister to this or anything, just from yere experience is it weird or controlling or anything I'm not aware of? Thanks for the help in advance

Mr. Incognito

Ask = Sweet

Insist= Controlling

whiskeyman

Of course!
Very caring.
I always did it.
Nice to keep in touch and wish her goodnight also and thanks again for lovely evening.

amcalester

Are these nights that you're out together or is she out with her friends?

baby and crumble

I think it's fair enough. Even when I was just living with mates I'd text them to let them know I wasn't coming home so no one worried about me.

Don't insist on it if she doesn't want to do it- and bear in mind that she might easily forget if she's had a few drinks and she's not used to doing it.

eviltwin

Depends. It's nice to know someone is home safe but why are you so worried in the first place? Unless she's walking home alone chances are she will be fine. It's not healthy for you to be worrying like that. What if she forgets or her phone goes dead or she doesn't text when you expect it, are you going to be panicking, thinking the worst etc. It's nice to get a text but unreasonable and unhealthy to expect one every time she's out.

JustAThought

amcalester wrote: »

Are these nights that you're out together or is she out with her friends?

Tbh its nice, but bit controlleyish. That you are having a row over it meNs she probably thinks it is a bit unnecessary, or a bit contrillyish. Sometimes my mate insists I do it & if I forget by the time I get up I've had half a dozen missed calls. I lts nice of them to care but what are they going to do? Ring the police and say I was drunk & not home yet? To report me - an adult - as missing the police need 25 hours and probably a family mber or parents. Are you going to drive the roads looking for an unconscious body and possibly miss her in the dark? Are you staying up wondering if she is in yet or wanting to talk
To her as she is buzzing with her night out - asking where she was and who was there aNd what she was doing? If she needs help she will ring you. Otherwise you're just another chain to navigate with a few pints or glasses if red wine in her that delivers a problem if you forget in your fog or the nighs giddiness. she knows you love her & will help her if she calls. Leave it at that.

D0NNELLY

It's only ok if she thinks it's ok.
It's irrelevant what you or any of us think.

bee06

JustAThought wrote: »

Tbh its nice, but bit controlleyish. That you are having a row over it meNs she probably thinks it is a bit unnecessary, or a bit contrillyish. Sometimes my mate insists I do it & if I forget by the time I get up I've had half a dozen missed calls. I lts nice of them to care but what are they going to do? Ring the police and say I was drunk & not home yet? To report me - an adult - as missing the police need 25 hours and probably a family mber or parents. Are you going to drive the roads looking for an unconscious body and possibly miss her in the dark? Are you staying up wondering if she is in yet or wanting to talk
To her as she is buzzing with her night out - asking where she was and who was there aNd what she was doing? If she needs help she will ring you. Otherwise you're just another chain to navigate with a few pints or glasses if red wine in her that delivers a problem if you forget in your fog or the nighs giddiness. she knows you love her & will help her if she calls. Leave it at that.

Why do you think they are having a row over it? Maybe he's getting other people's opinions before he asks.

OP, my husband would alway ask me to text him if I was out before we lived together to make sure I got home OK. We both still text each other after a night out if we were away on a hen / stag so the other person knew we were "home" safe.

ziggyman17

I text my wife every morning when we are both on our way to work, even though we only kissed each other goodbye about 30 minutes before hand, and she will send me a text on her lunch break and then she will text me when she is on the bus home................

OldMrBrennan83

This post has been deleted.

GingerLily

ziggyman17 wrote: »

I text my wife every morning when we are both on our way to work, even though we only kissed each other goodbye about 30 minutes before hand, and she will send me a text on her lunch break and then she will text me when she is on the bus home................

To me that would be overkill, and I'm the over sharer in my relationship! But each couple is different, I guess you need to figure out what works for everyone involved.

ziggyman17

ziggyman17 wrote: »

I text my wife every morning when we are both on our way to work, even though we only kissed each other goodbye about 30 minutes before hand, and she will send me a text on her lunch break and then she will text me when she is on the bus home................

Not normal behaviour IMHO.

OP, ask if she wouldn't mind texting you on those times you're out together.

If she's out with other friends, ask her to make sure she checks in with one of them on those nights, so they all know they're home safe and sound.

Mission accomplished.

eviltwin

Patww79 wrote: »

This post has been deleted.

Each to their own but I don't have time to be texting home every time I get to where I'm going and I'd hate to feel its expected. I don't think it's healthy personally to have to check in or to be on alert waiting for a message. Things can happen but if someone doesn't get back to you its probably because they got delayed rather than anything nefarious.

LegacyUser

amcalester wrote: »

Are these nights that you're out together or is she out with her friends?

OP here, when she is out with her friends. Just so you know, I don't ask what she gets up to or anything like that whatsoever its just to know shes home ok

LegacyUser

To be perfectly honest the only reason I ask for a text to know shes home safe; Is because of a few incidents with friends and a previous partner.
I have had 2 friends roofied on nights out, one of which it didn't end well, the other I ended up in A&E with her. The other reason is a previous girlfriend of mine was raped on a night out (before I met her).

I am a very easy going person with everything but I'm trying to see how it is unreasonable to ask for such a thing. I do the same thing when I am on a night out and always have. Maybe I got used to doing it with my ex?

I see some posters getting at the notion that I am trying to find out what she was doing or who she was with -> that's absolute nonsense and I don't and wouldnt put up with someone who was like that at all.

leggo

I get anxiety when I'm with a girl and they travel home at night where there's any walking or getting a taxi and I don't hear from them afterwards (if they're driving or getting picked up there's no real reason to worry as it'd be a freak accident then). An ex used to use this against me, it was horrible, because I do genuinely worry. I used to have to see if she'd logged in on Whatsapp to know she was alright (long story, I had reasons).

I'd never insist, mind, but after that ex I also probably wouldn't get with someone who wouldn't give me that common courtesy either.

If they're out with mates or family, no, that's their business and I'll hear about it when I see them. That's when it becomes controlling IMO: when it's about you needing to know where they are at all times.

amcalester

KerryOsam wrote: »

OP here, when she is out with her friends. Just so you know, I don't ask what she gets up to or anything like that whatsoever its just to know shes home ok

I understand that and wasn't suggesting that you were being controlling but that's how it may seem.

Someone above made a good suggestion of asking her to text a friend she was out with.

Dial Hard

I'd find it a bit weird if it was expected of me, tbh.

Do you do the same when you're out without her?

woodchuck

OP what would you do if she said she'd text you, but she didn't? Would you be up all night worrying? Call the police? Realistically, if something happens, there's nothing you can do about it anyway.

While it might seem like a reasonable request to some, personally I would find it controlling. If I'm on a night out, I'm out to have fun and don't want to feel obligated to "check in" at some point.

retro:electro

If it's something that will put your mind at ease then I don't see how it's any skin off her nose to do it, is she refusing it do it?
I'd usually text my bf I get to my destination safely, doubt he'd even notice if I didn't, just a habit more than anything.

MrDublinGuide

It's not weird.far from it.It's caring.

Tokyo

Much depends on situation and how/why the request was made. For example, if I'm out late in a group and people are drifting home alone, I'll often tell my female friends "drop me a text when you get back so I know you got home safe". (solo female taxi passengers getting harassed is a small, but real risk where I live.) None of my friends have ever had an issue with it, and most are grateful for the concern.

There 's a difference though between:

A: I'm going home alone.
B: Ok. Drop me a text when you get back so I know you got home safe.

and

A: I'll be home at 10.
B: Ok. Text me when you get back so I know you're home at 10.

The examples I give are at somewhat extremes to each other, the point I'm making is it can be reasonable, and it can be controlling.

If you are doing it out of concern for safety, and she's interpreting it otherwise, then it might be worth having a chat with her as to why she doesn't like it. You mention that you ask her to text due to past experiences with friends - maybe she's had past experience with a controlling parent or boyfriend, who insisted that she keep them apprised of where she was all the time. Ultimately you can't make her text you, but at least you might get an answer.

Eimee90

My boyfriend always asks me to do so when im travelling alone, even if ive done it a thousand times before. To be honest i love that about him, and i feel safe

osarusan

There is (or was) an app for Android called Buzzer which uses GPS to determine arrival at pre-programmed locations and then trigger automatic messages. If that app has bit the dust, I'm sure there are other similar apps.

I don't know if its something you'd be interested in. In some ways it's easier (no forgetting and maybe subsequent worry/arguing) but maybe it's too invasive.

MrDublinGuide

mike_ie wrote: »

Much depends on situation and how/why the request was made. For example, if I'm out late in a group and people are drifting home alone, I'll often tell my female friends "drop me a text when you get back so I know you got home safe". (solo female taxi passengers getting harassed is a small, but real risk where I live.) None of my friends have ever had an issue with it, and most are grateful for the concern.

There 's a difference though between:

A: I'm going home alone.
B: Ok. Drop me a text when you get back so I know you got home safe.

and

A: I'll be home at 10.
B: Ok. Text me when you get back so I know you're home at 10.

The examples I give are at somewhat extremes to each other, the point I'm making is it can be reasonable, and it can be controlling.

If you are doing it out of concern for safety, and she's interpreting it otherwise, then it might be worth having a chat with her as to why she doesn't like it. You mention that you ask her to text due to past experiences with friends - maybe she's had past experience with a controlling parent or boyfriend, who insisted that she keep them apprised of where she was all the time. Ultimately you can't make her text you, but at least you might get an answer.

What a perfect explanation well done

JustAThought

MrDublinGuide wrote: »

What a perfect explanation well done

Or not. My heart freezes when I read these. Tracking your GF with an app. Texting her friends? Insisting she text you when she has said she dosn't want to. The girl wants to be left alone; and NOT to be notifying her current boyfriend of where she is, umplied what she is doing; how late she is out & who ahe is with ' just in case he wants to text them instead'. OP. What is it about NO that causes ambiguity for you? And covering it up with tracker apps, GPS buzzers and adding harassing her friends only does make it worse. At this rate of controlling & refusing to accept her wishes I guess you can soon expect to be an ex.

LegacyUser

JustAThought wrote: »

Or not. My heart freezes when I read these. Tracking your GF with an app. Texting her friends? Insisting she text you when she has said she dosn't want to. The girl wants to be left alone; and NOT to be notifying her current boyfriend of where she is, umplied what she is doing; how late she is out & who ahe is with ' just in case he wants to text them instead'. OP. What is it about NO that causes ambiguity for you? And covering it up with tracker apps, GPS buzzers and adding harassing her friends only does make it worse. At this rate of controlling & refusing to accept her wishes I guess you can soon expect to be an ex.

Hold the phone right now. I never ever suggested a bloody app where in the name of god did you get that from? Where are you getting this NO from? She never said no? Infact she thinks it's ok. It me that's questioning it? You seem to have some deep rooted issues theRe, they are not related to this issue at all.

timmy880

Completely depends on the type of relationship ye have. If it's something that ye do after nights out then its just a caring reminder. I would always say it to my partner before we started living together but it's something we do anyway! It's nice to know they got home safe.

But if ye just never do it and then all of a sudden you start saying it then it could come across as suspicious. You're post is a bit too vague to judge at the moment but I assume since you've created a thread on it that it has caused an issue with your partner.

Rachiee

I think its reasonable request but if someone asked me to do it i wouldnt. i have a few friends who ask it of me as far as im concerned if im kidnapped and murdered they'll find out the next day, i feel its silly to be concerned and dont want to encourage their sillyness so flat refuse but then im not in a relationship with them so maybe if I was and it seemed important to them i would. But again only if i had been out with them not others.
Incidentally i never text me family to tell them ive landed if im on holiday, none of us do agaim if theres a crash it'll be on the news.

whoopsadoodles

Not an unreasonable thing to ask, no. I wouldn't be waiting up for the text but would know when I woke that all is good. I have no issue doing it.

I used to ask that I got a text if he wasn't coming home. Nothing at all controlling. I don't have a controlling bone in my body for stuff like that but it was nice to know if I woke at 6 and he wasn't home that he wasn't dead. I wouldn't hear from him again except when he inevitability rang for a lift