Is this a reasonable request to ask of a partner

LegacyUser

KerryOsam wrote: »

Hold the phone right now. I never ever suggested a bloody app where in the name of god did you get that from? Where are you getting this NO from? She never said no? Infact she thinks it's ok. It me that's questioning it? You seem to have some deep rooted issues theRe, they are not related to this issue at all.

A poster in the thread made people aware of an app related to this issue and that's what the poster you quoted was addressing. And the idea that this was a source of conflict between you and your girlfriend comes from the wording of your OP. You also didn't dispel that idea as it took hold in the thread.

sbsquarepants

KerryOsam wrote: »

I'm just wondering is it reasonable of me to ask my girlfriend to send me a text when she gets home after a night out to say she's home safe. Nothing else just that she's home ok?
There's nothing else sinister to this or anything, just from yere experience is it weird or controlling or anything I'm not aware of? Thanks for the help in advance

It's reasonable enough - but from my own personal experience it's caused me no end of trouble. Before we lived together the missus would always say the same to me - let me know when you get home - I'd swear blind I would, then go out get drunk and forget all about it, cue a big row the following morning!
Must have happened 50 times. Be prepared:)

KerryOsam

KerryOsam wrote: »

I ask for a text to know shes home safe;

I am a very easy going person with everything but I'm trying to see how it is unreasonable to ask for such a thing. I do the same thing when I am on a night out and always have

KerryOsam wrote: »

She never said no? Infact she thinks it's ok. It me that's questioning it?

So what's the problem. Why are YOU questioning it if both of you are OK with it?

neonsofa

Imo it is whatever the couple agree on/are comfortable with.

I had a partner who insisted on texts to "check I was safe". He would also collect me from my dinner with friends on his way home from work "so I didn't have to go home alone". He'd ring me the morning after "to catch up and see how it went". All seemed like lovely thoughtful things to my friends. In actual fact the text was to make sure I wasn't out late, the lift was to make sure I came home at a reasonable hour (9pm, had barely finished dinner). The call in the morning was where he would ask every single detail- did I dance (wasnt allowed), did any men come over etc. He was such an abusive controlling partner and it all started out with small things dressed up as concern. And in a way I think he thought his concerns were valid albeit not for my safety but moreso for his security in the relationship if that makes sense.

Not for a second saying this is what is happening here but I would have a problem with partners now if they insisted on it. Requesting a text when he knows I might be coming home alone late at night-grand no bother. Saying that after every night out I must send a text when I'm home- I'd think it's unnecessary and would say as much. If he insisted after me saying no then it would ring alarm bells. So it all comes down to what the couple agree on.

eviltwin

If texting is your thing and you are both okay with it then it's not a problem. It's only a problem if one person feels that checking in is a violation of their privacy. Then it's getting into murky territory.

It's understandable the OP is anxious given past experiences of his partners but don't let that anxiety control you. It's not healthy to worry all the time. You need to let it go and be able to enjoy your own time without constantly worrying about her.

amtc

I text my dad to let him know I'm home and he texts me....we are both living alone at moment. If out will always text mates to check home. I would consider this normal. As do they.

Dr Crayfish

Is it's causing you worry then just don't ask for it, leave her to it. She's not going to die or f*ck someone if you don't get a text. Or maybe she will but you can't be worrying about these things. Contrary to popular belief women aren't constantly running a gauntlet of sex offenders and murderers.

osarusan

JustAThought wrote: »

Or not. My heart freezes when I read these. Tracking your GF with an app. Texting her friends? Insisting she text you when she has said she dosn't want to. The girl wants to be left alone; and NOT to be notifying her current boyfriend of where she is, umplied what she is doing; how late she is out & who ahe is with ' just in case he wants to text them instead'. OP. What is it about NO that causes ambiguity for you? And covering it up with tracker apps, GPS buzzers and adding harassing her friends only does make it worse. At this rate of controlling & refusing to accept her wishes I guess you can soon expect to be an ex.

I think this was meant to quote my post, but I don't know where you got the rest of the stuff you seem to just have made up.

The app isn't a tracker app. It doesn't track movements. You programme it to recognise a location (in this case 'home') and when the phone reaches the location, a message is automatically sent to a chosen contact. That's it.

As somebody else said, the only opinion that really matters is the OP's partner. If they don't like the idea of sending texts and think it's invasive or controlling, they're certainly not going to like the idea of an app that does it for them.

But if they have no problem with the idea but are just worried they would forget to send texts sometimes, they might think it's useful.

blacklilly

neonsofa wrote: »

Imo it is whatever the couple agree on/are comfortable with.

I had a partner who insisted on texts to "check I was safe". He would also collect me from my dinner with friends on his way home from work "so I didn't have to go home alone". He'd ring me the morning after "to catch up and see how it went". All seemed like lovely thoughtful things to my friends. In actual fact the text was to make sure I wasn't out late, the lift was to make sure I came home at a reasonable hour (9pm, had barely finished dinner). The call in the morning was where he would ask every single detail- did I dance (wasnt allowed), did any men come over etc. He was such an abusive controlling partner and it all started out with small things dressed up as concern. And in a way I think he thought his concerns were valid albeit not for my safety but moreso for his security in the relationship if that makes sense.

If we didn't go out with the same man it scares me that there are more than one of them!

Emme

I think it's reasonable to check if somebody got home after a night out. If she is leaving your place ask her to send you a short text to to say she got in safely. And if you're leaving her place you should let her know you got home safely.

This isn't controlling, it's caring. Controlling defines the guy who stood outside the ladies toilet in Bruxelles waiting for me because I had been away from him for 15 minutes.

If she's on nights out with friends and you want to know if she gets home safe it's up to her. If she tells you she's going out with friends there's no harm in asking would she mind letting you know she got home safe. Leave it up to her. If she doesn't tell you she's going out with friends you don't know so you can't ask.

I don't recommend using apps to check up on anybody unless they're children under 18.

blacklilly

Emme wrote: »

This isn't controlling, it's caring. Controlling defines the guy who stood outside the ladies toilet in Bruxelles waiting for me because I had been away from him for 15 minutes.

I don't think it's fair for you to use your definition of what is controlling to argue whether some other action is/isn't.

If the OP's GF is not happy with his request, it is quite probably that she feels it is controlling/over bearing behavior.

zoobizoo

Reminds me of when I lived at home and my mother wanted me to call to let her know if I wasn't going to be home that night.

Invariably, I wouldn't call because by that time, it was late and I didn't want to wake her - or I was out enjoying myself and wouldn't remember to.

She'd get into a strop because "the front door was unlocked". Had she known I'd stay out, she'd have put the chain lock on the front door even though the alarm was on and the main chubb lock was locked.

It was down to her fear (someone will break in) .... a slightly irrational fear seeing as the lock was on, the alarm was on and the house had never been targeted before. She's a natural worrier

Does this all come down to your worry and anxiety?

What are the chances of anything happening to her and ......... what are you going to do if you don't get a text? That's surely going to cause more worry. If you call/text and she doesn't answer, your mind will start thinking of all the possibilities... you'll keep calling and texting her phone..... and she'll wake up seeing the missed calls and texts. I've seen friends with 20/30 missed calls after a night out... it comes across as over the top.



I wouldn't ask my wife to contact me if she was out and I never asked any girlfriend to do it because I believe that they will be safe.

neonsofa

blacklilly wrote: »

I don't think it's fair for you to use your definition of what is controlling to argue whether some other action is/isn't.

If the OP's GF is not happy with his request, it is quite probably that she feels it is controlling/over bearing behavior.

Exactly BL.
Also it is not really the one action/request that is controlling per se, it is the context in which it is requested. If he constantly asks for text messages then it will be one request too many, if it is one request that she is happy to do then it obviously isn't controlling. We cannot say something definitively is or isn't controlling- like in my post earlier, everybody thought my ex was a lovely caring guy, he was actually a manipulative controlling abuser. It is what the couple deem acceptable, not anybody else.

freshpopcorn

I was actually watching crimecall last night and the Gardai are running a campaign from the start of March and it's aimed at at people up to the age of 39 because these people are mostly likely to get attacked/robbed and apart from planning your journey\transport they advised to let somebody know that your home safe via text\etc.
So in all honest I don't think your being totally unreasonable.

dar100

JayZeus wrote: »

Not normal behaviour IMHO.

OP, ask if she wouldn't mind texting you on those times you're out together.

If she's out with other friends, ask her to make sure she checks in with one of them on those nights, so they all know they're home safe and sound.

Mission accomplished.

Myself and wife text on adverage about every hour or so when we are in work, away from each other!! To call it not normal is stupid!! We love to keep each other updated on our day etc

Redser87

If she lives alone I definitely think this is caring and sensible - but only if she also thinks so. If she lives with others they would probably be in a better position to look out for her.

eviltwin

dar100 wrote: »

Myself and wife text on adverage about every hour or so when we are in work, away from each other!! To call it not normal is stupid!! We love to keep each other updated on our day etc

That's chatting though it's different. I'm sure if you didn't hear back from your wife for a couple of hours you wouldn't be in a panic that's she's in trouble. Context is important here.

leggo

On apps: I was listening to a radio show before where the host was saying his wife was an awful woman for saying she was five minutes away when she was an hour away and, as a result, he'd be left waiting for her sometimes when he wouldn't have minded her being late if he'd have just known, so he'd have gone in for a pint or looking around shops instead of just standing there. Having gone out with women who had similar concepts of time, and being a punctual person myself, I totally get it. It's a total melt. So they both downloaded an app where they could track each other's location so she didn't need to say how long she'd be and he'd know to wait around or not, and said they both found it a dream (they're husband and wife in a trusting relationship so what was there to hide, after all?)

That'd be my ideal. When I'm with someone, I don't care where they are or what they're doing because I wouldn't be with them to begin with if I didn't trust them, but stuff like that does take away the needing to text and that crap that can go wrong and really wind people up for legitimate reasons.

I think it's just people's insecurities and bad experiences with controlling people - that are very real - that lead them to then project stuff like this as a problem, when in truth when used correctly apps like this can be a godsend to certain relationships! So don't blame the app or technology, blame the people that misuse it and cause issues like this to begin with.

To make sense of it as it pertains towards the OP: every relationship is different and each person has their own hang-ups. Little things like this can make or break relationships, because that's the practical reality of it after the initial infatuation period wears off, so incompatibilities should be noted and taken seriously. You're probably not wrong for your reasons in wanting to know your partner got home okay, and your partner likely isn't wrong in not wanting to feel obliged to let you know, but on this issue you're just not compatible. I'm not saying break-up with them over it, but acknowledge that you're different at the very least and try find a middle ground or at least have a conversation about those differences and why they're occurring.

bilbot79

It might be controlling, might not. Which is it?

professore

leggo wrote: »

On apps: I was listening to a radio show before where the host was saying his wife was an awful woman for saying she was five minutes away when she was an hour away and, as a result, he'd be left waiting for her sometimes when he wouldn't have minded her being late if he'd have just known, so he'd have gone in for a pint or looking around shops instead of just standing there. Having gone out with women who had similar concepts of time, and being a punctual person myself, I totally get it. It's a total melt. So they both downloaded an app where they could track each other's location so she didn't need to say how long she'd be and he'd know to wait around or not, and said they both found it a dream (they're husband and wife in a trusting relationship so what was there to hide, after all?)

That'd be my ideal. When I'm with someone, I don't care where they are or what they're doing because I wouldn't be with them to begin with if I didn't trust them, but stuff like that does take away the needing to text and that crap that can go wrong and really wind people up for legitimate reasons.

I think it's just people's insecurities and bad experiences with controlling people - that are very real - that lead them to then project stuff like this as a problem, when in truth when used correctly apps like this can be a godsend to certain relationships! So don't blame the app or technology, blame the people that misuse it and cause issues like this to begin with.

To make sense of it as it pertains towards the OP: every relationship is different and each person has their own hang-ups. Little things like this can make or break relationships, because that's the practical reality of it after the initial infatuation period wears off, so incompatibilities should be noted and taken seriously. You're probably not wrong for your reasons in wanting to know your partner got home okay, and your partner likely isn't wrong in not wanting to feel obliged to let you know, but on this issue you're just not compatible. I'm not saying break-up with them over it, but acknowledge that you're different at the very least and try find a middle ground or at least have a conversation about those differences and why they're occurring.

That would be my idea of hell. My wife was the one asking me to text when I arrived at the pub, before I left, I had to tell her what time I'd be home, if it was going to be late I'd have to call etc etc. Completely ruined my nights out as I was a ball of nerves trying to remember to do all those things, and stopped going out altogether.

When she went out I made no such demands.

I woke up several years ago and just told her it was not on, and she just had to get used to the idea that if I went out, I might not contact her at all, and if I didn't, it wasn't the end of the world - that it ruined my enjoyment completely. Ever since things have been better all round.

leggo

Yeah see that's an example of people's hang-ups ruining what fundamentally could be a great idea. But if there's no hang-ups like that then it can work perfectly, hence every relationship is different.

LLMMLL

Think this was pretty much answered on there first page. It's fine to ask and it's fine for her to say no. It's not fine to insist.

OP has said his gf is ok with it so I'm not really seeing the issue.