Hubby can't see it?

trixychic

Hi guys, ok so bit of background.
We have 2 sons (7 & 4). 7 yr old has aspergers. Hubby/OH works 5 days a wk since Sept but was unemployed for a long while before that so was always at home with us.

He came from an old Irish family. Children are to be seen, not heard. Step a foot out of line and you'll get a smack of something, don't question parents etc etc. When son1 came along he swore he'd not do those things as it was not a nice way to grow up. So we communicate all the time and make sure we're on the same page with parenting.

Now one of things we agreed on is nipping certain things in the bud so they can't escalate to roaring arguments (usually leaving son1 very stressed out) but still remembering to pick and choose our battles... for e.g. son2 wants to wear his red coat instead of the green one and we're late... so let him wear the red one.

Now son2 can work OH like a dream. He knows all the right buttons to push, when to push them and how long to push them for. He will openly defy him and give him attitude that he never gives me. And of course OH rises to it all... and son2 is 4 (nearly 5).

My issue is that OH can't seem to see where things need to be stopped, where he can give a little bit, and he cant not rise to son2's taunts. We've had discussions and arguments about these things, I've tried to help as best as I can and I always support him in front of the kids. If things need to be changed/discussed I do it with him alone. I encourage the boys to speak to him instead of me from time to time (son1 has trouble opening up to others which is something we're trying to work on) and always tell them to respect him as he's daddy (son2 needs to be reminded sometimes to be a bit more respectful. His attitude is crazy as he has such a strong personality... not a bad thing but can cause fights sometimes).

When it comes down to it though OH can't seem to tell the difference between situations. A tired child who needs to go to bed and is fighting cause he doesn't want those pjs, to OH is a case of nip it in the bud and he will fight on that occasion. But son2 working up an argument with son1 about a toy car (son2 can bully son1 a bit) is something he'll let slide. He just can't seem to read the situations properly and pick the right course of action.

How can I help him see things clearly. He spent alot of time at home last yr and we worked on things together. I've tried all I can think of to help him see things but it's just not clicking. And we end up in fights because I end up having to step in to sort things... which im tired of doing too. I feel like a referee in the house for the 3 of them.

I've also tried leaving them at it for a day, gone out for a while for coffee with the girls or whatever but i come home to son1 stressed out and upset and son2 and OH fighting. I end up having to sort things out again... just things have gone deeper then if I had been there to step in earlier.

Now I'm not saying I'm the perfect patent in any way shape or form. I get it wrong, I have bad days where I'll fight with both of them, but in General me and the boys get on ok. Son2 knows he won't get a rise out of me so usually doesn't bother. And son1 speaks to me all the time. I'm like his security blanket... which again I'm trying to work on helping him release a bit from me and see that its ok to do some things alone cause he can and I'll be there in the background for him but only if he needs it.

I just feel like im at my wits end. How can I help OH see things?? He does want to... he just can't.

If you've made it this far, thanks for sticking with me and all helpful advice would be appriciated. Tia

Big Bag of Chips

Sounds like your husband and your second son are very alike! I don't know what you can do really. People in families clash. You can say that your husband should have more sense than to be getting involved in a 4 year old's arguments but that's what's happening. I think you just need to let them at it. I think it is important though that both of them learn to apologise to each other afterwards. The 4 year old is 4, but is does sound like he tries to rule the roost a bit, and your husband is trying to stop that. Neither are necessarily wrong. Your child is being 4! Your husband is being a parent trying to teach him that sometimes (oftentimes, when you're 4) you have to what your parents ask you without questioning it.

I think the more you try to coach your husband, the more he will pull against you. Your way of parenting is just one way. Your husband has a different way. Your children are still very small and each phase will pass and go by so quickly and you'll be on to the next phase, fairly quickly. Leave your husband to find his own way of dealing with things. It might mean that you end up doing the lions share of work when you're around, purely because your son will just do what you ask and won't argue back. But I think trying to intervene and trying to sort out a personality clash is just fighting a losing battle.