Separating with a heavy heart.

Todoni

After much agonizing have decided to separate. Many years married with an adult child.
Have discussed situation at some length, so he is aware of my feelings.
Haven't made the final break yet and would appreciate any advice.

How to avoid unnecessary upset & hurt? Is this even possible?
Where to live in the short term? And any support groups?

Stheno

Todoni wrote: »

After much agonizing have decided to separate. Many years married with an adult child.
Have discussed situation at some length, so he is aware of my feelings.
Haven't made the final break yet and would appreciate any advice.

How to avoid unnecessary upset & hurt? Is this even possible?
Where to live in the short term? And any support groups?

Mediation, contact your local mediation service to try and iron out an amicable agreement.

Is your ex partner of the same mindset?

One eyed Jack

Stheno wrote: »

Mediation, contact your local mediation service to try and iron out an amicable agreement.

Is your ex partner of the same mindset?

I'd have asked the question about their partner first. If they have the discussion with their partner first, then mediation services may be unnecessary depending upon their circumstances.

OP you don't give much information to go on, but my wife and I having recently separated I would say absolutely, yes, it's possible to avoid any unnecessary hurt. That's not to say there won't be anyone hurt, you absolutely have to account for that in the interests and welfare of all involved.

Where to live would be entirely dependent again on your circumstances. Again I would suggest you try and work out an amicable arrangement with your partner. It might be that it might be more practical for them to move out than you, or vice versa.

There are many support groups, but I found that the support of friends and family and the understanding they showed will help you all in coming to an amicable arrangement so that you'll all be better able to move on with your lives with the least amount of hurt caused to all of you.

Todoni

Thanks Jack & Stheno,

Partner knows the situation but seems to be in denial and has been unwilling to even discuss marriage counselling.
My feeling is that we are well beyond that already, so the discussing separation may still be a shock for them.

I feel that separation is for the best and is probably inevitable. Still feel lousy and very emotional & upset about the whole thing.

I may not have put it very well in initial post, but I guess I'm worried about handling the next part sensitively.
It feels like it will be the point of no return.

I do appreciate your comments about mediation and an amicable agreement.
Handling things badly now might make any agreement impossible!

Thanks again.

Jamie_01

I read your post and I am interested in what did you decide to do to move on after you separated?

Leaving a woman I still love is the hardest thing to do at present. I know all long relationships have issues at some stage. My wife has now no free time to spend with me or prioritise our marriage in any way - she earns a lot more that me & spends a lot of it on clothes/social outings /weekends/holidays etc. She is often meeting a big group friends after work (mostly male) and spends some time away working with them too.

I saw correspondence online that sadly suggests it is more than friendship that has developed on these trips. When I said this she says that she enjoys their attention and it is just fun and flirting! She has planned many outings with them and seems bored with our relationship/family life as these friends are more adventurous -some in the mixed group are single/separated and they enjoy spending social time together as they have lots in common.

We discuss/argue about it often but she does not want to change and she enjoys her new lifestyle. I am very hurt and feel I have very little self esteem left and for a long time I blamed myself. My adult daughters live abroad and have commitments so I don't want to burden them. It is hard for me to write it as I cannot believe how uncaring for me she is and has often deceived me about her arrangements and did not/does not want to include me in anything. She would prefer to stay married but I feel that I have no option and I am separating with a heavy heart.

I have a few good friends/family but most of my friends are her friends too so I would prefer not discuss it with them. I have talked with a work counsellor and feel that I must change for my own sake. I would like to get some ideas about moving forward with my life now. I’m still emotionally fragile and can’t see myself getting involved in another relationship as I don’t want to feel that level of heartbreak again until I feel much stronger.

For anyone that has gone through this already- any advice to move forward please?