In-Law Trouble - How Best to Deal With

LongTimeAway

I've been happily married for 6 years, together as long again, no children. The trouble is my husband's family.  I want to know if I am being unnecessary judgmental or unreasonable in feeling upset by their behaviour and get some advice on how best to cope with them.

Basically, they don't seem to like me very much.  They are hyper critical of me, mainly based around my career and how much money I contribute, and about how I spend my money.  Their issues seem to be that I don't always work a 9-5 traditional job (I often work from home and in the evenings) and that I could be making lots of money working all hours in practice.  They also (I suspect, but they won't admit to it) dislike me for not contributing any grandchildren (out of choice).  I'm actually a qualified accountant and 5 years ago, took a step back from practice to set up my own business as a consultant, which is doing well.  I pay half the mortgage and paid half the deposit on our home.  Basically, I'm treated like a second class citizen in their family unit, which includes the ever present two other siblings and their wife/husband and the 5 children between them. 

Examples of their criticism: "you don't work" me: "yes I do".  Them: "disbelieving snort".  Or, when my car broke down on my way to visit them (husband was working abroad) and I was only 6 miles away and asked them if they could give me a jump start, they told me to "spend my money on a newer car".  It was actually only a 6 year old car and usually a reliable one, but things happen.  When I go to family visits, I kind of get the feeling I'm being made a figure of fun.  Little digs about "am I pregnant yet? accompanied by rubbing of the tummy), or how I have plenty of time to look after brother in law's children.

We have bought a small farm with some land and the house is in a state so we are doing it up.  They make fun of this, they criticise us because they think everyone should live in a new build in a housing estate. 

Actually I get the sense that this stems partly from brother in law urging them on.  I used to get on well with parents in law, although they've always been a bit critical and rude, but I'm polite and well mannered so just tend to shrug it off.  Brother in law can be ignorant though.  The remarks he comes out with (e.g. asking if a young girl he worked with was a lesbian because she didn't talk about having a boyfriend), turning up late, not very interested in his children, constantly commenting on what I am doing even if I'm just sitting in peace, are horrible.  I do wonder whether he's after a bigger share of the inheritance and, because of my professional background, is afraid I'll spot it.  Parents-in-law rarely have a day free without at least one child from each family staying over.  Its almost like a competitive thing, one lot are afraid of the other lot getting an advantage over them!

Anyway, as I say, they've always been a bit rude, to the extent that I've twice been warned about how they tend to walk over people and to "look after yourself" by people from their local area that know them.  I didn't pay that much attention at the time, just thought it was a bit odd and sort of shrugged it off.

Fortunately we live 200 miles away but we keep getting invites to family things and getting told its "compulsory attendance".  We try and make the effort, but then they start getting funny about time of arrival.  Last time they did this, for the first time in his life my husband stood up to them and told them, no, he would not just leave his work early and risk losing his job to arrive at 7pm and that 8.30-9pm on a Friday, with the whole weekend ahead, was a perfectly good time to arrive.  They paid no attention.  Its just horrible. 

They can't just have a family meal and be pleasant and good company, the whole lot of them always have to be making little digs at someone, mainly me.  Its never done in a funny or humorous way, its done to make them feel good at the expense of someone else.  They invited themselves to ours for Christmas when the house was in the process of major renovation works and I had to listen to a list of how other family members were much better than "I'd ever be".  For instance, I do a bit of running and was once quite good and in the local newspapers a bit, but was told I wasn't as good as I thought and sister-in-law (who is, and always has been, very obese) had much more potential than me and would have been much better had it not been for (mysterious) medical issues.  She was also "at least 20 years younger than me", although she is in fact 9 years younger.  A cousin apparently speaks a language much better than me that I speak, despite me having lived in the country for several years.  And so on.  Totally unnecessary things to say when you are just trying to have a nice conversation. 

They wouldn't go outdoors at all, not to see our animals ("smelly"), not to walk round our garden ("muddy"), not even to walk round our local tourist destination town if driven there.  The whole family basically never go outdoors except house to car to house.  They all hate animals and won't have any pets.

The strange thing is though that parents-in-law consider themselves wealthy and very social superior.  I'll admit they have done well for themselves, as they worked in public sector jobs that would now require degrees and got final salary pension schemes and several inheritances.  Father-in-law has in fact been retired since his early fifties and has barely lifted a finger since.  They constantly raise the topic of inheritance with my husband, which to me seems a bit off, to tell him that he won't be getting anything (he is the eldest son).  I certainly wouldn't want anything from them, but that seems unnatural to me.

Anyway, I just want to have a nice peaceful relationship with two ageing people, despite our differences, but that seems to involve me sitting in silence, getting insulted and being made a fool off.  I've tried speaking sharply to them, as has my husband, about it.  It makes absolutely no difference.  They have this notion that they are so superior, they are beyond criticism.  Anyone who does so is obviously a faulty person.  Unfortunately, the eldest child is now being equally rude at her school and all of them admit she is constantly being given warnings by teachers about it and is the subject of complaint.  They say this is due to them not taking her behavioural disability into account. 

Anyway, I'm just getting this off my chest, I realise I'm being heavily critical myself.  It would be really nice to visit them maybe twice a year and have a nice visit, we would even stay in a hotel, but I cannot for my own self respect allow myself to put up with their rude remarks.  Has anyone successfully dealt with similar - note, it doesn't matter what you say to them about it, they ignore it.

groovyg

LongTimeAway wrote: »

I've been happily married for 6 years, together as long again, no children. The trouble is my husband's family. I want to know if I am being unnecessary judgmental or unreasonable in feeling upset by their behaviour and get some advice on how best to cope with them.
Anyway, I just want to have a nice peaceful relationship with two ageing people, despite our differences, but that seems to involve me sitting in silence, getting insulted and being made a fool off.
.

How best to cope with them? Stop making an effort with them or worrying about trying to have a good relationship with them. It’s not going to happen.
I don’t understand why you are even trying to have a relationship with them. The digs about pregnancy and so much time on your hands wtf ! If I had to deal with that crap I wouldn't be visiting again. They are your husbands parents and siblings let him deal with them and attend the compulsory events if he is bothered,
There's no point trying to reason with people like this or call them out on their behaviour because no matter what you do it will never be good enough. If you had friends who treated you like this would you continue to be friends with them?
As for the inheritance if your husband doesn’t get anything so what. One of the biggest reasons for family feuds is over land and property and it’s not worth the hassle especially when ye both have your own farm and business. If and when the parents do pass on its likely the siblings that are close to the parents could end up falling out with each over it other while you and your husband will be living 200 miles away from it all.
I think they are just jealous of ye and everything you have and it just comes across as begrudgery. It takes a lot of guts to give up a steady job and go out on your own, but you did and you are doing well, you are ambitious, so as opposed to saying well done good on ya they have to throw in a dig.

Maybe for Christmas this year head away, one of my friends does this for the last few years as Christmas's with the in-laws were proving too stressful.

The one positive is you live 200 miles away from them so they can't drop in whenever they feel like it.

zoobizoo

Where to start with people like that..... you can't win because they won't change / compromise and any suggestion of it will be seen as you being uppity.

You live 200 miles away so you really don't need to see the family many times a year. There is no such thing as "compulsory attendance" and you as a family unit need to start making decisions not to attend if you do not wish to.

Trying to hold the inheritance over you guys seems to be a ploy so if you can decide that that is not something you are bothered about (because it means cowtowing to their behaviour for the next 20 years), then maybe start distancing yourselves.

Ultimately though, you cannot win with ignorant people because they do not have the mental capacity to change or to listen to your concerns.

Neyite

LongTimeAway wrote: »

Anyway, I just want to have a nice peaceful relationship with two ageing people, despite our differences, but that seems to involve me sitting in silence, getting insulted and being made a fool off.

You'll never have this nice relationship with them. They thrive on finding ways to nitpick you. You are probably terrific and there are various jealousy issues at play here on their side. You could be absolutely perfect but they will find fault with you. Tearing you apart is their hobby. And the only way to avoid giving them ammunition is to tell them as little as possible about your lives.

Honestly, why bother with them at all? They sound awful. You live 200 miles away. Decline all but real mandatory family occasions (like weddings, milestone birthdays etc) Your husband can still have whatever kind of relationship he wants with them but you don't have to at all.

Emme

LongTimeAway wrote: »

They all hate animals and won't have any pets.

That says a lot. Be thankful you live 200 miles away from them. If your husband is happy with it, try to have even less contact with them. It's your choice if you want children or not but if you did have a child it would be best to keep that child away from these people.

LongTimeAway

Tearing me apart is there hobby!  I watched them do it with my husband's aged aunt (now passed away), but I'm not aged aunt!  And spending Christmas overseas next year is a great idea!  I actually half had a plan to do it this (last) year but they announced their visit early and for some reason I didn't refute them.  And I just remember those two acquaintances of them (both nice couples their own age who knew them socially) actually going to the bother of warning me about them!  My own parents have passed away but my mother would be really upset if she knew the way they spoke to me.  But its almost like they see having departed parents on my part as a weakness to be exploited, as if its another fault of mine!

The whole lot of them are obsessed with money, or more specifically, inheritance.  Not in working for it - father-in-law hasn't exactly had a long or arduous working life and seems to think the role of women is to go out and earn the income.  I am sure that man hates me because he knows I see through him.  I've had some decent conversations with him in the past which I enjoyed but he can be so rude.  Its like dealing with a juvenile delinquent if you point out he's being rude as he will turn it into one of those circular arguments where he replies in one or two word answers and then turns it round to yourself being at fault.

I feel for my husband, in that his own parents want to shaft him over the inheritance, and one sister-in-law admitted they had got their house paid for to be redecorated from top to bottom (and I'm sure theres plenty of other instances of them giving the other two money) but nothing, nothing would make us give up our lives to hang around waiting for an inheritance in that toxic atmosphere.  We don't want it, we don't need it, and its a shame that my inlaws can't respect people for being independent and wanting nothing out of them.  I worry about them being taken advantage of financially as they get older and more infirm, but maybe they're quite happy with that and that's what they want.

But even though we live 200 miles away, they still drop in (with notice)!  They own a holiday home on the continent and we live close to the ferry port.

Neyite

LongTimeAway wrote: »

I feel for my husband, in that his own parents want to shaft him over the inheritance, and one sister-in-law admitted they had got their house paid for to be redecorated from top to bottom (and I'm sure theres plenty of other instances of them giving the other two money) but nothing, nothing would make us give up our lives to hang around waiting for an inheritance in that toxic atmosphere. We don't want it, we don't need it, and its a shame that my inlaws can't respect people for being independent and wanting nothing out of them. I worry about them being taken advantage of financially as they get older and more infirm, but maybe they're quite happy with that and that's what they want.

There you go then - that's the reason they give out about you both. As long as you are both financially independent of them they have no hold over you. And I bet they hate that.

I imagine your SIL gets it thrown back in her face all the time that the parents decorated her house for her or remarks on what she wasted their money on. Thank your lucky stars you dodged that one!

freshpopcorn

You've to make sure you and your husband are on the same page regarding things! I know couples and they say one thing to their partner and then say something else to their parents. The truth can can change from situation to situation.
Children do you think he has ever said to his family he wants kids and your not ready and he's just trying to keep you happy.
Working: Whilst you paid for half the deposit and you pay half the mortgage does he ever talk to them regarding having to work extra because of your current employment status.
Regarding the brother in law and family digs: You've to be very careful not to react to them. You say you don't in your post but you come across that you do. All this stuff about xxxx being better than you is probably just trying to get a rise out of you and their doing it. Your posting on here for example.
The whole comment the brother made about the girl you'd work with is something I've heard before. Even I've heard women ask was a man gay because he wasn't with anybody!
I know people and they simply don't like getting muddy or looking at animals.

PS I'm not defending his family.

groovyg

LongTimeAway wrote: »

I feel for my husband, in that his own parents want to shaft him over the inheritance, and one sister-in-law admitted they had got their house paid for to be redecorated from top to bottom (and I'm sure theres plenty of other instances of them giving the other two money) but nothing, nothing would make us give up our lives to hang around waiting for an inheritance in that toxic atmosphere.  We don't want it, we don't need it, and its a shame that my inlaws can't respect people for being independent and wanting nothing out of them.  I worry about them being taken advantage of financially as they get older and more infirm, but maybe they're quite happy with that and that's what they want.

But even though we live 200 miles away, they still drop in (with notice)!  They own a holiday home on the continent and we live close to the ferry port.

He is not going to get shafted in the inheritance because he has been told he is not going to be left anything. Let the parents do whatever they want in their will, to be honest it might be a good thing he doesn't get anything because it could end up costing him money. Aren't there's lots of taxes to be paid around inheritance?
If they do get taken advantage of financially well that's not for you to worry about. You have your own life you have a house renovation that needs finishing, business to run, and hobbies to keep you busy.

LongTimeAway

Freshpopcorn - good to hear an alternative perspective!  In answer to your questions, my husband can't have children and I'm sure his parents know this.  With regards to my "employment status", it is self-employed, not unemployed or part-time and I earn much the same as my husband, after tax.  I have two very lucrative income streams from two very profitable clients.  I'm not sure where you got the idea that he has to work extra from because he doesn't.  Neither of us react at family meets, I would say its hard to join in conversation but there isn't really any conversation to join in at all as none of them speak much to each other, other than the occasional comment about the food.  They mostly just talk to their children, and parents-in-law talk to each other, and then brother in law will suddenly make a rude comment about what I'm doing or eating or drinking, and everyone will turn to look at him, and then will go back to ignoring each other.  I couldn't really be bothered getting too worked up about someone like him.

His comment about his work colleague being a lesbian was I thought because he fancied her and wanted to find out if she was single.  At the time, he would have been mid thirties and she about 21/22.  His wife was there and he knew that I knew the girl socially but he still didn't see anything wrong with it.  I have to admit I come from quite a correct background and my parents wouldn't have made comments like that, and to be fair, neither would parents-in-law.  But overall he makes little digs at women all the time.

Groovyg - that's a good point about the inheritance tax.  I believe you have to pay it all up front, and I don't fancy getting involved in something like that with that bunch at all!

freshpopcorn

LongTimeAway wrote: »

Freshpopcorn - good to hear an alternative perspective!  In answer to your questions, my husband can't have children and I'm sure his parents know this.  With regards to my "employment status", it is self-employed, not unemployed or part-time and I earn much the same as my husband, after tax.  I have two very lucrative income streams from two very profitable clients.  I'm not sure where you got the idea that he has to work extra from because he doesn't.  Neither of us react at family meets, I would say its hard to join in conversation but there isn't really any conversation to join in at all as none of them speak much to each other, other than the occasional comment about the food.  They mostly just talk to their children, and parents-in-law talk to each other, and then brother in law will suddenly make a rude comment about what I'm doing or eating or drinking, and everyone will turn to look at him, and then will go back to ignoring each other.  I couldn't really be bothered getting too worked up about someone like him.

Sorry about getting mixed up. I just read the post and you said you paid half the mortgage and and the deposit and I thought this was your contribution and your husband paid the rest.
I've family members like yours this and the only way I've found to deal with them is give as much back to them as they give you. I found the whole taking the high ground and sitting and saying nothing never achieved much for me.(I know this would go against a lot of people)

LynnGrace

Tbh, I would suggest cutting all ties. Look at it this way, if this was anyone other than family, would you (both of you) endure being insulted and criticised at every hand's turn? I'm guessing that NO is the answer.

I'm not saying it is easy to do, and I am not being glib in suggesting this, but seriously, they don't deserve any further headspace, any further opportunity to upset and belittle you.

Take care of yourselves, try to accept that this will never be a happy or healthy set up. Leave them to stew in their own unhealthy dynamics.

Big Bag of Chips

LongTimeAway wrote: »

I just want to have a nice peaceful relationship with two ageing people

But that relationship doesn't exist. At least not with your in-laws. If your husband wants to make the mandatory visits then he can go without you. I'd guess once you stopped jumping to their tune you'd soon see a shift in their attitude. As it is they have too much information about you and your life. So they have opportunity to comment. Take the information away and it will lessen their opportunity to comment.

Why were you making a 200 mile trip to see these people when your husband was abroad?? Seriously. Why would you even answer the phone to them!!

Nothing is going to change. They're not suddenly going to become lovely people. But the treat you as they do because you allow it. They obviously have a reputation if you've been warned away from them. So heed the warning and keep your distance. As soon as they contact you inviting themselves tell them you're away that weekend. With work, if they push it

Just stop dancing to their tune. If you don't see them or speak to them, you won't care what they're saying about you. And it sounds like none of their other friends or neighbours take much notice if them either.

Leave them off.

SAMTALK

OP there is nothing you can do about these people.
I had similar problems with my in laws and it didnt end well. Some people are driven by money/inheritance and dont understand that not all people are like this.

If you want to keep your marriage in tact stay well away from them because they will eventually just end up causing problems between the two of you.

You cannot change people like this and life is too short to try reasoning with them.
Best of luck

RhubarbCrumble

OP, I've been in a similar situation with my partner's family and it's now at the stage where I have nothing to do with his brother or sister and have limited contact with his parents. I've just had so much abuse and been used so much by them over the years that I just finally had enough. We don't have children either and there have been numerous sarcastic and smart comments made about that over the years.
I don't attend any family gatherings anymore, if my partner wants to then that's up to him, but I'm not putting myself out there for anymore abuse. After seeing the way I've been treated by his family over the years, my partner has scaled back how much he sees them himself now. His father is an absolute gentleman and the only one I really have any time for and would ever make an effort to see. His mother will be all about you when it suits her and when she wants something done for her (all too often) If she rings my mobile, I don't answer it anymore because I know she's just ringing looking for a favour.

OP, you need to look after yourself and to hell with your inlaws and what they think. They're ALREADY passing comments etc about you anyway and making you feel bad about yourself, so what difference is it going to make if you cut communication with them? They'll still be passing comments about you, but you won't have to listen to them anymore.

pilly

LongTimeAway wrote: »

Freshpopcorn - good to hear an alternative perspective! In answer to your questions, my husband can't have children and I'm sure his parents know this. With regards to my "employment status", it is self-employed, not unemployed or part-time and I earn much the same as my husband, after tax. I have two very lucrative income streams from two very profitable clients. I'm not sure where you got the idea that he has to work extra from because he doesn't. Neither of us react at family meets, I would say its hard to join in conversation but there isn't really any conversation to join in at all as none of them speak much to each other, other than the occasional comment about the food. They mostly just talk to their children, and parents-in-law talk to each other, and then brother in law will suddenly make a rude comment about what I'm doing or eating or drinking, and everyone will turn to look at him, and then will go back to ignoring each other. I couldn't really be bothered getting too worked up about someone like him.

His comment about his work colleague being a lesbian was I thought because he fancied her and wanted to find out if she was single. At the time, he would have been mid thirties and she about 21/22. His wife was there and he knew that I knew the girl socially but he still didn't see anything wrong with it. I have to admit I come from quite a correct background and my parents wouldn't have made comments like that, and to be fair, neither would parents-in-law. But overall he makes little digs at women all the time.

Groovyg - that's a good point about the inheritance tax. I believe you have to pay it all up front, and I don't fancy getting involved in something like that with that bunch at all!

One small thing that jumps out at me there though is that you're sure your in-laws know that your husband can't have kids. You say that like you don't actually know if they do or not?

If they don't, to be fair, they're not fully in the picture of what's going on.

I have a mother in law who is a nutter basically but tbh I've just learnt to tolerate her on the odd occasion I see her. It's usually only 3 or 4 times a year now as I'm divorced. She'll pop up for kids birthdays or graduations, things like that, I'll have a cup of tea with her and let everything she says fly straight over my head.

Neyite

pilly wrote: »

If they don't, to be fair, they're not fully in the picture of what's going on.
.

To be fair, it's not their business. Nobody has an obligation to share their family planning with anyone else but their partner.

LongTimeAway

pilly wrote: »

LongTimeAway wrote: »

Freshpopcorn - good to hear an alternative perspective!  In answer to your questions, my husband can't have children and I'm sure his parents know this.  With regards to my "employment status", it is self-employed, not unemployed or part-time and I earn much the same as my husband, after tax.  I have two very lucrative income streams from two very profitable clients.  I'm not sure where you got the idea that he has to work extra from because he doesn't.  Neither of us react at family meets, I would say its hard to join in conversation but there isn't really any conversation to join in at all as none of them speak much to each other, other than the occasional comment about the food.  They mostly just talk to their children, and parents-in-law talk to each other, and then brother in law will suddenly make a rude comment about what I'm doing or eating or drinking, and everyone will turn to look at him, and then will go back to ignoring each other.  I couldn't really be bothered getting too worked up about someone like him.

His comment about his work colleague being a lesbian was I thought because he fancied her and wanted to find out if she was single.  At the time, he would have been mid thirties and she about 21/22.  His wife was there and he knew that I knew the girl socially but he still didn't see anything wrong with it.  I have to admit I come from quite a correct background and my parents wouldn't have made comments like that, and to be fair, neither would parents-in-law.  But overall he makes little digs at women all the time.

Groovyg - that's a good point about the inheritance tax.  I believe you have to pay it all up front, and I don't fancy getting involved in something like that with that bunch at all!

One small thing that jumps out at me there though is that you're sure your in-laws know that your husband can't have kids. You say that like you don't actually know if they do or not?

If they don't, to be fair, they're not fully in the picture of what's going on.

I have a mother in law who is a nutter basically but tbh I've just learnt to tolerate her on the odd occasion I see her. It's usually only 3 or 4 times a year now as I'm divorced. She'll pop up for kids birthdays or graduations, things like that, I'll have a cup of tea with her and let everything she says fly straight over my head.

Pilly, he has told them at least twice.  Agree with Neyite it is none of their business.  But they are the sort of people who wouldn't believe anyone from their side of the family couldn't be at fault, and even if presented with the direct medical evidence by a team of doctors, would still argue it was my fault.  Not that they have done this, they have skirted round the issue with a degree of tact rare amongst them generally (probably for fear of being old-fashioned) but I am certain they discuss it less carefully when we are not there.  Its not an issue between me and my husband, therefore we don't talk about it much.  We enjoy our lives the way they are!  In fact, I've been told that brother-in-law has been overheard talking about me a lot in derogatory terms by a mutual friend.

Agree we are too involved with them and a lot of resolution can be gained by me just not going along any more and cutting contact to a minimum.  Its just disappointing that's all.  But not that disappointing!

jimmycrackcorm

LongTimeAway wrote:

. They constantly raise the topic of inheritance with my husband, which to me seems a bit off, to tell him that he won't be getting anything (he is the eldest son). I certainly wouldn't want anything from them, but that seems unnatural to me.

Is there some underlying reason why they want to cut their eldest son out? It suggests to me that there is a root cause to your issues.

Nekarsulm

Its actually a blessing that they are 200 miles away!
Its hard to imagine a relative driving 200 miles, and then refusing to help when they had a breakdown 6 miles away!
Very minimal contact would be recommendation.
They wouldn't be visiting me again, and even if they arrived unannounced, they wouldn't be staying in the house!

Best of luck in the future.

nikkibikki

jimmycrackcorm wrote:

Is there some underlying reason why they want to cut their eldest son out? It suggests to me that there is a root cause to your issues.

They sound like the kind of people who would cut him out because he has no offspring.

LongTimeAway

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

LongTimeAway wrote:

. They constantly raise the topic of inheritance with my husband, which to me seems a bit off, to tell him that he won't be getting anything (he is the eldest son). I certainly wouldn't want anything from them, but that seems unnatural to me.

Is there some underlying reason why they want to cut their eldest son out? It suggests to me that there is a root cause to your issues.

No, not in the slightest.  They might well tell his brother and sister the same thing, although I doubt it.  There does seem to be a history in the family of cutting the more independent, successful people out of wills.  I think a lot of this is about them being competitive and trying to even up the score with the other two, hence the inexplicable comments about sister-in-law and sport.  We don't even talk about sport or our jobs in front of them so its something going on in their own minds.

They've been coming out with the line for years, long before it became known that my husband couldn't have children.  But at a time when his brother and sister were still very dependent on their parents in their twenties (brother-in-law didn't move out of the family home until 32 and only then because they financed his buying of a flat).  My husband on the other hand moved 200 miles away for a graduate job aged 22.

Big Bag of Chips

Just stop visiting them and stop listening to their discussions on inheritance or lack of! Sometimes people think they don't have to leave inheritance to particular family members because they 'have it together' whilst other family members may be viewed to be 'more in need'. Nobody is 'entitled' to anything. If you're gifted something its a bonus.

If you're genuinely not bothered, or in need of inheritance money then stop thinking about it. Stop discussing it. Stop listening to discussion about it. They sound like a greedy, self obsessed, money obsessed family. They're not going to change. If anything they're probably going to get worse. Your husband has his own choice to make. He may feel an inbuilt loyalty to them and continue to visit. He may be used to them an better able to let their comments wash over him than you are. Whatever his choice, you can make your own. Lots of people aren't bussom buddies with their in-laws. And lots of people don't make it to 'mandatory' family gatherings for various reasons.

You're not going to change them. So change yourself.

Emme

LongTimeAway wrote: »

NThere does seem to be a history in the family of cutting the more independent, successful people out of wills. 

In other words people they can't control. This is a classic narcissistic family. I come from a narcissistic family and the rot goes back generations. Narcissistic families want to control their children and thereby perpetuate the abuse. Unlike normal families they do not have their children's best interests at heart, they are only interested in controlling their children and using them to serve their needs. Anything they give is seen as a transaction and the recipient is expected to be eternally grateful to the giver and pay them back through a lifetime of service and self-sacrifice.

Narcissistic families also never let up trying to control the more independent members of the family. The only way to get away from a family like this is to cut all contact but it is not always possible.

I would advise you and your husband to spend as little time as possible with his family if you cannot go no contact.

pilly

LongTimeAway wrote:

Pilly, he has told them at least twice. Agree with Neyite it is none of their business. But they are the sort of people who wouldn't believe anyone from their side of the family couldn't be at fault, and even if presented with the direct medical evidence by a team of doctors, would still argue it was my fault. Not that they have done this, they have skirted round the issue with a degree of tact rare amongst them generally (probably for fear of being old-fashioned) but I am certain they discuss it less carefully when we are not there. Its not an issue between me and my husband, therefore we don't talk about it much. We enjoy our lives the way they are! In fact, I've been told that brother-in-law has been overheard talking about me a lot in derogatory terms by a mutual friend.

Apologies, I thought they didn't know at all because of them asking when your having a baby rubbing thumbs etc.

Ghekko

I'd say there could be an element of jealousy. You and your Dh are successful, financially independent as adults should be, and have time to do what you want. The siblings are hung up on money, are tied with kids and have parents minding them on occasion which in turn leaves them a bit beholden to the parents. You live far enough away not to engage in daily carry on at their houses. They are entwined in each others lives a bit too much it would seem. You are lucky not to live near them. Take a step back. Don't attend if summoned for a visit. Have a word with your Dh about imparting information about your lives, money etc. They should not know any of that. Let him visit if he wishes but if I were in your situation I wouldn't go next nigh or near them.

LongTimeAway

Thanks all for your replies.  I posted this because I wasn't sure if I was overreacting to them.  Now it seems I am not, and everyone else is unanimous in saying I should avoid them as much as possible.  Of course internet forums are not real life and I've only said the bad bits about them, but I hear what you are saying - protect yourself.  I really do end up feeling stressed and quite upset about the way they treat me sometimes, and I suspect they would be upset themselves to realise this - but they would not accept it.  Somehow, it would be my fault. 

Ghekko - there is definitely an element of jealousy in this, and also control.  My own family were always pleased when someone had success.  I don't get that feeling at all with my husband's family.  Quite the opposite.  They have to be the Kings somehow - they have a very great sense of their own importance, and seem to struggle with the fact that other people have different lives, and come from other backgrounds, which are probably more successful.  I hate to be using these words.  But theres no realisation that younger people might have stressful jobs and responsibilities, and can't drop everything because two OAPs in perfect health WANT something. 

This year it was a major milestone birthday party for one of them over a weekend (which they changed the dates for at the last minute and which I had to miss out on something pre-planned for), the previous year it was a wedding anniversary celebration, the year before that a charity trip abroad (which we had to fund), then it was another birthday party.  If we visit, we are forced (and I mean physically frogmarched with a hand on the shoulder or shouted at) to sit and watch the grandchildren do some performance, for a couple of hours.  Not just as a one-off (I wish!)  I am sure they think they are keeping the family together but it comes across as selfish attention seeking and lack of interest in other people at times. 

They have no interest in our lives, what jobs we do, what sports we do (and missed out on their son's success in sport, never once coming to see him compete even when it was local to them), other than how much money we have.  The incident with them not helping me jump start my car was when I was in their local area for a sporting event, and tried to tie in a visit to them too.  I cannot get over how my father in law told me to "work harder and buy a newer car".  Its hard not to think about that comment in future dealings.

I honestly find their attitude impossible to deal with.  I could be as nice to them as possible, and its obvious to anyone that knows me that I'm a totally genuine person, but I don't get the feeling that they are straight people back.  They always have an agenda, which is to make themselves feel superior.

Sorry to be rambling on.  I really need to distance myself from these people, and limit the knowledge they have of my life.  I just needed to vent!

Ghekko

Vent away. Does your Dh share your dismay? If he does then he'll understand when you decline the next invitation and maybe the one after that. You don't owe these people anything. At the end of the day, you married your Dh not his family, so you don't need to engage with them at all, especially since they are so disrespectful. Next time there's an event coming up book a weekend away for yourself and Dh and tell them you are not available!

Bambi985

You can't reason with unreasonable people.

Your OH's siblings obviously rely on them heavily and are relying on an inheritance too so are loathe to call your parents-in-law out on anything. Not that it would make a difference anyway - this is the family dynamic and they are far too old and set in their ways to ever change.

That old adage comes to mind - "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Change your game plan here. They will never like you or treat you with respect for their own messed up reasons. So focus on limiting contact as much as you can. No more charity holidays or Christmases together. Plan ahead if needs be so you have an excuse. Do the weddings and the funerals and nothing else. They'll have a field day b1tching and gossiping about you, but at least you'll escape the stress of being disrespected and belittled to your face.

currants

How do they know who pays for what in your marriage? Stop telling them your business and stay away from them don't play the game. It all sounds very strange including their "friends" who warned you off them. If they know you, as a couple, can't have children and keep asking you when you are going to then they aren't just weird, they're extremely cruel. Is your husband not devastated every time they do this? Why did you both agree to them staying in your unfinished house, you should be used to them by now and be ready to say no. I can understand allowing yourself to be frogmarched somewhere once out of shock but most people would be angry enough afterwards to make sure it never happens again, never mind sit for hours watching someone else's kids- relations or not. Why didn't you get up and leave? Is your husband afraid of upsetting them? Are you sure you're not exaggerating how bad they are a tiny bit? You mention the inheritance a lot for someone not interested in inheriting. look on it as the price you pay for a peaceful life and walk away. Do Christmas and birthday short visits to theirs and thank your lucky stars you had a normal family. Your husband would probably benefit from counselling, they sound seriously messed up if you are seeing things objectively.

Just realised this reads as if I'm giving out to you, I'm not! Just trying to figure out how they have managed to get this entangled in your private business. I think you really need to have a gentle but firm chat with your husband about setting boundaries with them.

Neyite

Could you not just avoid them and when they are demanding your attendance, just decline regretfully and cite breezily that you are "working harder to earn more money, just like FIL suggested"

LongTimeAway

Thanks Neyite, and it is a tempting reply!  To be honest, I don't want to engage in their carry on to that degree.  I've not taken up a contract of employment where I'm constantly checked for putting in the hours and meeting performance targets, I've just married their son!  You don't even get to renew your professional practising certificate in my profession if you don't work hard, never mind the seven years of study to get there!  Its not like they can sack me if I don't turn over enough profit from billable hours for their liking!  They just have no real idea of how the world of work operates now - hence they thought we could just walk out of our jobs on a Friday afternoon so the grandchildren didn't have to wait an hour longer for dinner.

They're not exactly a model of hard work and endeavour themselves...