Childless female feeling pressure from others

LegacyUser

I'm a 31 year old woman. My partner is 36.

I'm beginning to feel incredibly stressed about the future prospect of children, and whether or not we should have them.

I'm a very independent career woman, both my OH and I work very long hours and have successful careers, we travel a lot, and have never had a lifestyle compatible with children. I would have to end my career if I do have kids while my partner would likely continue travelling the world for work on a regular basis.

I've never been around children (no nieces or nephews yet) and am surrounded by people similar to me (career driven, no children yet). So, I don't have any experience of kids. I don't believe I've ever even held a baby.

Honestly, babies terrify me. And I feel embarrassed to admit that. Like I'm some kind of freak. I watch how other women behave when in the vicinity of a baby, my own mother, aunts, cousins lose all concentration and are unable to focus on anything other than the baby. I can't identify with that, while I can fuss over an animal, I've never felt that with children. I don't dislike kids, I just don't have any strong feeling either way.

Does this make me some sort of freak? I'm female and in my 30s - Shouldn't some natural broodiness have kicked in by now? It's beginning to upset me, that my body clock is certainly ticking and I still have no idea if I want kids or not. The prospect of waking up tomorrow pregnant terrifies me. I'm sure we would cope and be very happy, but my fear is giving up a life of first class travel and eating in fancy restaurants and weeks at a time away. I would go from this to being at home 24/7 with nothing to do other than parenting. I fear becoming lonely, depressed and isolated, while my OH continues living the high life.

A career change isn't an option. It's either this path, or nothing. My OH can easily support a family on his wage alone, but I adore my job, my coworkers, the socialisation and fun. I fear becoming the woman who only talks about diaper changes and feeding routines.

It's come to the point where family and in laws, and even people who barely know me, regularly remind me that "you'd want to be getting onto babies soon" and inside, it enrages me. I find myself close to saying "actually I can't have children" just to knock them back and make them think. I never realised how much of a public interest my womb would become when i hit 30.

Then, I calm down and wonder if maybe everyone is right? We live in a rural region where high flying careers are very uncommon, and I'm sure people will see us as a lonely childless couple down the road who put work first. I don't care what people think, but maybe I fear they will be correct?

I haven't seen it like that up to now because we both adore our life. But my OH is beginning to feel broody. He'd like children in the next couple of years but is ok if I decide against having them. He thinks it would be easy, but I feel he doesn't think into the reality of it. Maybe I have overthought it, the fact I will have to drive them to a school 8 miles away as we don't live near any bus runs, etc, etc.

Is the joy children bring really that great? Or do people simply convince themselves it is because they know no different or didn't have to sacrifice much to have them?

I think if I lived a more regular life (not spending several months per year overseas) and didn't live my job so much, this wouldn't be such a difficult decision.

I probably sound anti kids, I'm not. I am truly undecided and scared I will regret not having them.

Airyfairy12

The cheek of people telling you that you need to start thinking about babies. People are so bloody rude, they dont know if you can or can't have children and its none of their business either way. I'd hate to think that they'd say such a thing to a couple that really can't conceive, it would be devastating for them.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids, more and more women are deciding against it and you shouldnt base such a huge life changing decision on what other people think or small minded comments.

If you did decide to have kids now youd be a single parent as your partner won't be around most of the time and thats something you'd really need to consider, unless your partner would be willing to change his career too which id imagine is unlikely to happen.

That being said my mother was 39 when she had my brother, she has a 42 year old friend who recently had her first child, its not uncommon these days for women to have kids much later in life and you have plenty of time to change your mind.

Triceratops Ballet

Op, I'm 4 years older than you and my thoughts on kids are along the same lines. I wouldn't tolerate anyone making comments like that to me about hurrying up etc.

I've always known kids weren't for me and people have always told me I'll change my mind but here I am mid 30's childless and happy about it. I kept waiting for that day they all told me the penny would drop but it still hasn't.

I feel the same about babies too like if someone brings their baby into the office, I'll say hello, but I'm not lining up to hold the baby, or smell its head. I do like kids though I think the wonder the see the world with is magical. But that alone is not enough for me to make a life altering commitment on.

Maybe sometime in the future I'll feel differently, but I'll deal with that then. Having a kid now because biologically I can just on the off chance that in a few years I'll want a kid, seems bizarre.

I'm in my forties, no kids & won't be having them.
I never felt strongly enough to have them, if it happened it would probably have been OK, but now at my age, I wouldn't want them.
I have a great life & I find if you're grateful for what you have you don't think about things that you don't have.
You're 30, you have a few more years. I wouldn't lose sleep over it & I wouldn't be having them just in case I might regret not having them! Doesn't seem like a great reason to me to bring a child into the world.

amtc

My best friend and me have 1 day between us. We will both be 44 next month.

She with every bit of her being wants a child. And has spent a fortune in this. I, on the other hand don't. I did get pregnant in my 20s unexpectedly and it was not to be. But I don't feel like I lost anything. Wrong time wrong person. I do have a moment every February when I think what might have been.

My friend is absolutely obsessed. I don't have the same need. Really good with babies. Had my friend's 3 year old for two days recently but could give him back!

My dad had a go at me recently about not giving my mother grandchildren (I'm an only child) so I retorted to him...rather childishly...that I'd just pop down to coppers for the night.

You have time at your age. I don't. But it doesn't really bother me. Don't bother about what anyone else says or may or may not think. As I said I'm an only child but my mam still got hassle about why only one.

Bambi985

I think your problem here is your surroundings and the busybodies around you moreso than any conflicting feelings about having a child.

You don't want them now and that's OK. You're just going to have to come up with some sharp retorts for the curtain-twitching folks around you to shut that pressure off. I'd try "that's a bit of a rude question, isn't it?" and "why do you feel the need to say that?" or "I don't think that's any of your business, is it?". If you're a high-flying business woman you'll know the importance of being assertive and shutting down conversations and this is no different.

You're 31 and have time. My mother had her first at 34 and last at 39. I'm a similar age to you and expect the same for myself. Mid-30s before we'll start trying. A bit riskier yes, but not the armageddon some people will make out. I've looked into it and the latest research says that more than 80 percent of women between 34-39 will conceive within the first year of trying and those huge drop-offs aren't seen until 40+.

Maybe do your own research and discuss timelines with your OH. Even if it's "let's talk again in two years". Your mind could change suddenly, or it might stay the exact same, both are totally fine.

And honestly I prefer "childfree" to "childless". The wording on this alone can spark feelings of inadequacy. It's not wrong to not want children. It's just a relatively taboo thing to talk about as a woman, especially in Ireland.

Big Bag of Chips

People love to talk. They love to trot out the clichés. At the end of the day, they don't actually care whether you have children or not. And that's what you need to realise. So now you're left thinking about this. Worrying, wondering if you should be worrying and wondering about it. I can 100% guarantee that none of the people who comment to you ever think about you, or you having babies or not as soon as they've walked away from you. They probably move on to dole out the next cliché to the next person they meet.

Before I had children, I got the same. When I had my first child, a boy, I was told he'd need a brother or sister. When I had my second, a girl, I was told I had a boy and girl now I could stop, I "didn't need to go again". I never needed to go in the first place!! People just love to comment, and often they don't register that their comments might be unhelpful or even hurtful. Maybe it would be no harm to point out to people that you find their comments unnecessary. Try come up with a good line, that's not too harsh, but leaves them in no doubt that you don't appreciate their comments.

Children are damn hard work. Damn hard. Your life does change. Of course it does. You have this helpless being who is wholly dependent on you. Completely. I remember after my daughter was born a neighbour of my mam's said to me: They are just so helpless. They depend on you for everything. Like if you don't feed them, they'll die. She wasn't being nasty or reminding me I should feed her!! But she was basically pointing out how helpless and vulnerable a baby is. Once they get older they become harder work! There's activities, school, friends, swimming, sports, whatever they're in to! I used to see "Mum's Taxi" stickers in cars and roll my eyes. I now understand what they mean (although I'd still never buy one!!)

It is a tough job. And it's better that you're thinking about it rather than blindly walking into it, just because others tell you you should. I suppose the only thing you can do is taking all the comments out of it, would you be thinking of having children now anyway. Or is it only something that is on your mind because of comments.

It's nobody else's business. And nobody else is going to be there raising your child after they've all has their nosiness satisfied by you becoming pregnant! It's your choice. Maybe you need to tell people that.

ncmc

There's absolutely nothing wrong with not feeling broody or not wanting children. Many couples are choosing to remain child free these days. No one has any right to say anything to you, it's beyond rude and cheeky. I would have a stock reply ready along the lines of 'I don't think that's anyone's business but my husband and mine'. I have one child and one on the way but I was an older first time mum (was 36 when my daughter arrived) I was never a broody person, I don't mind other people's children, but I am not one of those people who turn into quivering piles of goo when they see a baby. I never felt that overwhelming urge to have a child. In fact, I was quite happy to remain child free, but my husband was very keen on having children. It's one of those situations were there is no halfway compromise so we made the decision to have one and then I didn't want her to be an only child so we have another on the way.

Having children is lovely, they do bring a lot of joy. My daughter is almost 3 now and we have great craic with her now. But it is hard, especially in the early days. My husband and I had a great life before kids and we have a great life now. I wouldn't necessarily say one is better than the other, just different.

It's probably a harder decision for you as you have such a great job and it's a big part of your life. I have a bog standard job and was able to return and do a 4 day week which helps a great deal. Does it have to be all or nothing with your job, could you keep working but maybe do less travel or move to a slightly different role that didn't have as long hours? Plenty of successful business women manage careers and family, I'm sure you could find a way to make it work if it's what you really wanted.

You're still very young, you don't have to make a decision right now. Why not park it for a few years and see how you feel then. But there's certainly nothing wrong with deciding kids aren't for you. It's not selfish, in fact it's the exact opposite! I think it's more selfish to have kids you don't really want or can provide time to just to satisfy some archaic role society deems you should have.

celligraphy

Hi op , you 'll have to learn to ignore the nosiness of some people , do whatever makes you happy even if you did have a child they would be constantly asking when is the next child or is the child not lonely etc , people will always talk you'll just have to learn to ignore it and if you ever did want kids that is your business and your partners , my partner never held a puppy in his life never mind a baby but he turned out to be a brilliant dad even tho he hated kids... As parents say we like kids just our own only.

Alicealways

Alicealways wrote: »

but my fear is giving up a life of first class travel and eating in fancy restaurants and weeks at a time away. I would go from this to being at home 24/7 with nothing to do other than parenting. I fear becoming lonely, depressed and isolated, while my OH continues living the high life.
A career change isn't an option. It's either this path, or nothing. My OH can easily support a family on his wage alone, but I adore my job, my coworkers, the socialisation and fun. I fear becoming the woman who only talks about diaper changes and feeding routines.

I don't know if this is part of the reason or something you're mentioning to try justify - which you don't need to - the underlying feeling, but after maternity leave he could be the stay at home parent while you support you both?
It doesn't have to be you staying at home?
Just an idea to consider

Maybe I have overthought it, the fact I will have to drive them to a school 8 miles away as we don't live near any bus runs, etc, etc.

Maybe he can drive them

If you do go for it - and you certainly don't have to, tell those nosy people to piss off, I can't believe the cheek! - it's a joint venture. It's not him going "oh it's easy" while he sits on his backside and you do all the work.
It might be worth you sitting down with him and asking what exactly he pictures going on and the millions of tasks that come along with it and how involved he plans on being.

amdublin

Couple of things.
Maybe consider couples counselling to explore if you definitely don't want children - you seem to me to be wavering. Explaining why you don't want but then saying what if/maybe we should...

You need to either learn to ignore the nosey people or shut them down. I like the "that's rather personal isn't it" response.

I like the term childfree rather than childless. Yes a child is wonderful. But my God it's a lot of work, and life is so much easier without.

A Battered Mars Bar

Can't really give a definitive answer until I hear more about this high flying career in a rural location. What could be more important than family?

jackboy

You need to sit down with your husband and talk this out properly. If he is bloody now this will probably get more intense every year. You have a lot of advice here saying you have lots of time but nobody knows this. There are options though such as freezing your eggs now. The important thing is that you and your husband are on the same page.

silverharp

it might just come down to the slight age difference between the 2 of you and you "arent there" yet. Keep talking to your partner though, he might (not unreasonably) really want to have kids and then you might have some decisions to make.

amdublin

A Battered Mars Bar wrote: »

What could be more important than family?

In your opinion.

Good luck with your own family/children.

Kidchameleon

Having a child does not mean you have to give up your job. Your partner could look after the child, its 2017 after all. Oh and screw the haters, enjoy your life however you choose.

Addle

Are you really happy with your decision OP?
I made the same decision and though I get the same comments from others, they don't make me feel pressure.
I agree with the above that mostly people are just making chat, and have nothing better to say.

As for judgment from others, I find that those that are aggressive with their opinions just don't like their own life choices to be, in their opinion, undermined.

eviltwin

Having children is not for everyone just as having a pet is not for everyone but you don't see the same pressure on people to get a dog.

There are a lot of voices and opinions coming through in your post OP. Try shuting out the ones from family and friends and listen to the only voices that matter, yours and your partners.

Your life will change dramatically if you have a child, even the small stuff will have to be weighed up with a child in mind. That can be hard even when you want children but when it's something you've wanted the sacrifices are worth it. If you don't want to be making those sacrifices you will be heading down a road of resentment and unhappiness.

I think the suggestion of counselling is a good one. Whatever you decide will affect the rest of your life, you need to be completely sure you are doing the right thing for you, not what is right for others.

Dial Hard

A Battered Mars Bar wrote:

Can't really give a definitive answer until I hear more about this high flying career in a rural location. What could be more important than family?

They already are a family.

Duvetdays

I'm in the same boat as you op. I'm 33 husband is 39 we don't want kids and my family would never ask me about having them but his family do my head in constantly mentioning it in a jokey manner. I laugh it off but it grates on my nerves sometimes as they don't know if we really don't want them or if we are only saying that because we can't have them. Kids bug me and I'm not into being around them constantly I like my own space and time to myself which I could kiss goodbye to if I had a child.

Eimee90

Its none of your business to know any of that. Just because having a family is your top priority does not mean its everyones. Its this type of attitude the Op is talking about.

Op, you still have time. Maybe research a bit. Talk to women who have juggled both with careers similar to you. Im not saying this to convince you to have kids but rather to be sure you dont want them. No regrets as they say

bp

Kids do change your life and unless you have a live in nanny to rear them something will have to give. Would you be able to support you both on your salary - ask your husband would he stay at home all day while you travel the world.

Ignore everyone else, there is nothing wrong with not wanting children, the world is over populated as is! I see friends without kids having multiple city breaks, sleeping in on weekends and having lazy brunches. My OH and I need to coordinate if anyone wants time out with friends. That said I love mine and wanted them desperately but my career has suffered - something I willingly let happen but my OH and I agreed that in advance.

Give yourself time and when someone says it to you next time say your husband is waiting naked for you at home but you have to run to town for whipped cream and strawberries!

Parchment

Im a 32 year old woman in a long term relationship with my partner, he is 37.

I have never wanted children. I have no interest in children - never held a baby and dont "coo" over babies like most women seem to. I never played with dolls/played house as a child. I have never felt a maternal instinct or pang for a child.

I dont think you are a freak and i dont think i am a freak either! i feel complete indifference when it comes to kids.For me i just dont want kids - simple as that, i have never wanted them and despite others opinions....i never will want them. Thankfully my partner does not want kids. Many people told me that i would want kids when i met the right man....my retort was "the right man for me wont want kids".

I asked my GP at 20 to see if she could refer me for tubal litigation. There was no point in even trying as she said no surgeon would consider it. I am now going ahead with a stronger case for litigation next month seeking a referral to a surgeon. I hope to have the surgery soon.

This is your decision - nobody elses. If you do decide you want kids next year thats fine too but if you dont want kids, thats it! Also i dont think career has any real correlation - if you wanted kids you would have them if you were working or unemployed.

If you do choose to have kids - it should be a shared task, so dont think you need to be the one at home all the time. Their father/other parent needs to step in too.

This is a topic really close to my heart - i get asked a lot and when i say i dont want kids i get a patronising shake of the head a chuckle. Any reason not to have kids is a valid one in my opinion.

Parchment

A Battered Mars Bar wrote: »

Can't really give a definitive answer until I hear more about this high flying career in a rural location. What could be more important than family?

this is such a narrow view of the world.

shesty

I'm 34 OP, and I have two small kids.
I was always pretty ambivalent about kids and I still wouldn't be 100% mad on children (apart from my own ) I understand them better now, but that doesn't mean I will necessarily enjoy an afternoon spent with a couple of 2 or 3 year olds! That said, I always knew I wanted them. My career has kept going, I'm a working mum. Actually to be honest - the way I feel now, I may have one more child (soon!) and then I'm done - and I'm aiming to put my life back together workwise. That's how it feels for me, onwards and upwards is the only way.

I can't answer your question, only you can. But there's a couple of things I will say.

You would want to have a serious conversation with your OP about this, because it's a huge thing. You really need to figure out where you both stand on this.

There is no right time to have kids. None. The one point will make is - the younger you are, the better. You can freeze your eggs and do all that stuff and try late and that's great - but I'm 34, my husband is 33 and we are bloody exhausted. I cannot describe the absolute bone deep weariness that comes with having small kids (2 and a half years, and 11 months in our case). It is like nothing else. Kids are a young person's game, seriously. Of course you can have them older, there's nothing wrong with it - you just take a much bigger hit on your physical tiredness and the massive change in your life. It's not just me saying that by the way, a few older (like 50s and 60s) men and women I've met along the way, who had kids a bit later in life have also said it. There's a bloody good reason we are biologically primed to be at our most fertile in our early 20s, and it's not just to do with eggs, or ease of conception or whatever else!

Thirdly - can you picture yourself in 5,10,15 years time? Will the first class travel and expensive restaurants still be as important then do you think?

Finally - nothing lasts forever. My kids are small now and they are hard work now, but god, every day they show me that nothing lasts forever. And I know in the not too distant future that they won't need me so much and I'll get my life back. And I'll miss them! I won't miss the crack of dawn wake up calls and the mess all over my house, but I'll miss the bedtime snuggles with my 11 month old, and my two year old wanting to hold my hand and explain the world to her, and the giggles the pair of them have when playing with toys in the living room. I'll miss it so much, it will hurt. It's a total cliche, but there you have it. Coz that's what kids do to you, when they're your own. And when you have your own - you suddenly feel a bit differently about everybody else's.

I know that mightn't be the most help, but for what it's worth, that's my 2 cents.

Rubberchikken

i have two kids, both grown and in college, and i'm still not a 'kid mad' person. i obviously adore my own two but i could take orleave anyone elses. that's just me being truthful.
i have a shedload of nephews/nieces/grandnephews/grandnieces and while nice to see them i'd survive without as well. i can neve understand how others go gaga over babies/toddlers. i don't hate them just have no genuine interest.
tbh i'd go gooey over an animal first:) but i've enough copon to realise that showing a little interest in others offspring is kind of a given.

having said all that, maybe you're not in the right place to consider kids yet, maybe you never will be. whichever it is and whatever decision you and your oh make, will be the right decision for you both.

you can have a career and kids, many do, so don't let that put you off so to speak. it maybe a bit more difficult in many ways, but if/when you have kids you will realise that the things you would do for your own are things you'd never imagined.

good luck.

freshpopcorn

You can have a high flying career and children in my experience.
Personally myself I found when people start asking questions about career/college/family/partners I just tell people the truth to the person. If it's for me or not and people get the message and don't ask those questions anymore.
Most of the time tough people mean no harm.
My only concern would be if your partner is feeling broody and he says he'll be happy without them I often wonder will he be able to switch off the switch in the future if ye don't have children!

Ghekko

I was the opposite and always wanted kids. Now that I have some I can honestly say I just about tolerate my own. I have no interest in other people's stories about their cute kids. I often think it will get easier when they are adults but then think sure the worry will never end. I daydream of what our lives would be like if we didn't have any. I stopped working and stayed home with them and now am a virtual recluse. I cannot stand the clique at the school gates, the scuffle to queue at a parent teacher meeting, reminder texts about parent association meetings, birthday party 'etiquette ', and so on and on and on...

I'd look at those nosey people who question you like they have 2 heads - none of their business. Alternatively squeeze out a few dramatic tears. They'll soon shut up thinking you can't have kids and are deeply traumatised. Enjoy your life with your partner. You have every right to enjoy your career and make something of yourself. Having kids is not the be all and end all. In any case you most likely have a few fertile years left in you if you ever did get a sudden onset of broodiness :-)

LegacyUser

Just a quick reply to thank each and every one of you for taking the time to reply to my post. I can't describe how valuable each post has been to me. I will reply properly later, but I am very thankful I posted this thread as I think this issue was affecting me even more than I realised and to see I am not alone is a weight lifted from me.

I have more to say but don't have time right now. But I am reading all replies. 😊

Parchment

Ghekko wrote: »

I was the opposite and always wanted kids. Now that I have some I can honestly say I just about tolerate my own. I have no interest in other people's stories about their cute kids. I often think it will get easier when they are adults but then think sure the worry will never end. I daydream of what our lives would be like if we didn't have any. I stopped working and stayed home with them and now am a virtual recluse. I cannot stand the clique at the school gates, the scuffle to queue at a parent teacher meeting, reminder texts about parent association meetings, birthday party 'etiquette ', and so on and on and on...

I'd look at those nosey people who question you like they have 2 heads - none of their business. Alternatively squeeze out a few dramatic tears. They'll soon shut up thinking you can't have kids and are deeply traumatised. Enjoy your life with your partner. You have every right to enjoy your career and make something of yourself. Having kids is not the be all and end all. In any case you most likely have a few fertile years left in you if you ever did get a sudden onset of broodiness :-)

This is a really refreshing post - thanks for your honesty.

Bigus

Perhaps seek out some octogenarian successful people , some with offspring and some without, and see if they can shed some wisdom on lifestyle choices and how these decisions sit with them after a lifetime of experience.

I believe very few people wish they spent "more time in the office " on their deathbed , but I'm not so sure they say the same thing about time spent with family.

Also from a selfish point of view what happens if a spouse passes away prematurely and you're on your own with not a lot to show for all the travel and worldly trinkets.

Addle

Bigus wrote: »

Also from a selfish point of view what happens if a spouse passes away prematurely and you're on your own with not a lot to show for all the travel and worldly trinkets.

No guarantee offspring will be of any use to their parents later in life.
Plenty of lonely parents out there.
It's no reason to procreate.

LegacyUser

I got to 36 without ever wanting a baby. What happened? I came off the pill because it had stopped agreeing with me. BOOM! Ovulating again and BOOM! oestrogen spikes and BOOM! I need a baby!

I'd been suppressing ovulation for 20 odd years so was blindsided when the broody feelings hit.

Right now you don't want a baby, that's cool. You may never want one, that's cool too.

Lemme tell you, if you think people's comments are stupid and nosy, they get much worse if you do go ahead and procreate. Being a mother opens you up to the strangest comments and judgments from day one.

borderlinemeath

OP, you've plenty of time. When I was your age I was the same, I was totally focused on career, getting a nice house, having a good social life, going on nice holidays and having children were the furthest thing from my mind. Partner was the same - this is the difference, we were on the same page - we didn't coo or ahh over other peoples children and the conversation was always how lucky we were not to be bogged down with kids and how we had a far better life without them.

A couple of things happened when I was in my late 30s, change of career, total change of direction, my perspective on life changed completely. In turn my husband had a bit of a health scare and that too changed his perspective. Now in our mid 40s we are parents to a little monkey of an 18 month old. It's a total life change, and extremely hard work, harder than work itself!

I think you need to ignore the nosey people in your life and talk to your partner, it's nobody elses decision so don't let anybody sway you either way. It's perfectly fine to be childfree - if that is what both of you want. It's also ok to want kids and maintain a career if that's what both of you want. But it's not ok to have a child if it's not something both of you really want.

Nobody knows what the future holds either by the way - you could end up tiring of travel and endless socialising. There comes a point where you find you might want to be sitting at home on your own couch than schmoozing clients or travelling abroad for work for weeks at a time. Same goes for your partner. I know plenty of people who gave up high flying careers when they reached a certain point, either because they were sick of working for other people and wanted to branch out on their own, or because they felt that they were living to work rather than working to live and opted for a complete U-turn in their careers.

Ghekko

Have to agree with Addle. Saw first hand a daughter totally abandon her mother when mother was terminally ill (father had died young). So no guarantees that children will be around for company or care when needed.

LegacyUser

The reality is your not a freak for not going mad at the sight of a baby. A lot of people don't have much experience of babies unless they have friends/family with babies and children.

I know some people who think - yes I want kids but they don't think of the day to day reality of what this is like. You both have high powered jobs and travel a lot so if you have a child one persons life will have to change a lot.
You need to have a serious chat with your other half and see if kids is something he wants or does not want. At the end of the day it is a decision you both need to make.

Your partner might think - we will have a child but it is not fair to have a baby and then expect one person to be at home all the time with him or her when the other person is always in work or traveling. It is hard been at home all day with a baby with no adult conversation or not having the abilty to have a brake away from the baby.

Also if you have a child as they grow up they will want you or your husband at birthdays, sportdays ect. Kids don't remember the big presents but they will remember the days out in the zoo, the christmas concerts ect when you were both their.

I can also say that if live in a rural area as you child gets to playschool age who ever is at home with them will be on the road a lot bring them to school, matches, music lessons and friends houses ect.

I am the eldest of a large family and have a number of nephews and neices. Over a time period of 16 years I have seen children going from newborns to teens and at every age between. Yes at times it is great fun with kids but at times it never ending hard work. At different ages your dealing with different issues and challanges.
This will come up even in a normal child. What happens if your child has special needs?

In regards to people making comments re you having children - some people have no lives of their own so they have to comment on yours. The reality is that the person making the comment won't have to bring a child into the world and pay the cost of bringing them up.
When you hear another comment like this ask them how much do you have in your bank account? Why don't you go again? - if it is a woman of child baring age. If you know something embarrassing about the person bring this up.

LegacyUser

I would agree with Ghekko. Just because you have a child or children does not mean that in your old age your kid or kids will be their to help or mind you. I know of a couple who lived near me and they had a large family. As soon as the parents were dignoised with Altizmers they were both put into a nursing home. This nursing home was the cheapest one the family could find and it was miles away from where the couple lived. Their kids never called to see them.

Bigus

Addle wrote: »

No guarantee offspring will be of any use to their parents later in life.
Plenty of lonely parents out there.
It's no reason to procreate.

I bet those "lonely parents" wouldn't hand back those offspring even if they could turn back the clock.

I knew I should have left out my second point of having children in old age ,

as you missed my main point about talking to more experienced people who've actually had a lifetime of experience and are not giving advice out from a book or heresay.

I Agree no guarantee and no reason to proceate, but do you not know,one or two elderly offspring that look after even more elderly parents extremely well, and are quite happy to do so.

I should state I have some experience here compared to others as I'm expecting my first grandchild, so I can make some comparisons between having children rared and successful and how this feels in relation to fancy possessions and work related achievements .
No comparison really ,don't take my word for it just ask any,successfull businessperson with grandchildren for the real answer on choosing career over family.

76544567

We never wanted kids at all. Changed our minds later and found it very difficult to have one and it nearly broke us, it was terrible.
Eventually we did and i can say it was the best thing ever we did.
I even changed career to stop the travelling and so did she. Never realised how hard travelling for work was until i stopped.
Anyway roll on a few years and we couldn't be happier and I'd love loads and loads of grand children too.

Life is totally different now than it was before. Totally. It's like a different life. I really, really loved my life before and couldn't imagine living any other life as much. Well i love my new life now multiple times more.

And when telling the usual scary when you have kids you won't be able to do that tales to people, with a long , tired face in me, i secretly am so happy.

One day you hate kids, next day you understand what people are on about when they say they are everything.
Different stages of lifefor different people.
Don't sweat it op. Either you will want them or you won't. You will be the first to know if anything changes in your needs. Don't pay any mind to others.

silverharp

in fairness I think most people that have kids arent thinking about their old age, in your twenties you are still invincible right? At the end of the day work is work and nobody is indispensable and defining your life by city breaks and nice restaurants wont keep you going for ever. Having a family is a whole other type of life, its a challenge and a privilege.
And sure some people dont have a parental bone in their body and its probably better that they dont become parents, you should need to be sure what group you fall into.

LegacyUser

I was 31 when I had my first child. I had never wanted children, never cooed over babies or felt any maternal urges whatsoever. I had nieces and nephews that I always felt uncomfortable around. My partner was similar. Then, suddenly, I was pregnant. To be honest I was scared more than happy.

Fast forward a few years, and I couldn't imagine life without kids. They are my reason d'etre. I still work but I leave the office on time now. It probably hurts my chances of progression but I don't care. I'm still not crazy about other people's kids, but as one poster here already said, I have enough cop on to pretend I do. They are genuinely the light of my life. They have brought me and my partner so much closer. And also brought me closer to my parents.

That's my experience...It won't be everybody's.

Oh. ..and feck the neighbors. ....they're just trying to make conversation. A quote I read somewhere. . 'You spend your 20's worrying what people think of you, your 30's convincing yourself you don't care, and your 40s realising they never really cared about you in the first place.'

76544567

BluebellButtercup wrote: »

I was 31 when I had my first child. I had never wanted children, never cooed over babies or felt any maternal urges whatsoever. I had nieces and nephews that I always felt uncomfortable around. My partner was similar. Then, suddenly, I was pregnant. To be honest I was scared more than happy.

Fast forward a few years, and I couldn't imagine life without kids. They are my reason d'etre. I still work but I leave the office on time now. It probably hurts my chances of progression but I don't care. I'm still not crazy about other people's kids, but as one poster here already said, I have enough cop on to pretend I do. They are genuinely the light of my life. They have brought me and my partner so much closer. And also brought me closer to my parents.

That's my experience...It won't be everybody's.

Oh. ..and feck the neighbors. ....they're just trying to make conversation. A quote I read somewhere. . 'You spend your 20's worrying what people think of you, your 30's convincing yourself you don't care, and your 40s realising they never really cared about you in the first place.'

That quote is excellent. Right on the money. And it can only be appreciated when in your 40s. You think its rubbish before that.
Im wondering what i'll realise when i get to my 50s that I dont now too.

Neyite

You have plenty of time to decide if it's for you or not. At least a couple of years. Things to consider though:

Parenting is a two person job, so your partner needs to get on board that his life WILL change too. If you go down the route where you go full on 1950's housewife, you will miss your life and become resentful of it and him. Yes, single parents cope, and imo do an amazing job, but they step up to 24/7 out of necessity and not choice usually. To be the 24/7 parent when the other isn't lifting a finger is even worse than doing it alone because it's being rubbed in your face that this is your role and not his and it's all on you. That way madness lies.

Don't give up work if you don't want to. Most mums I know also work, either part time or full time, and we manage to find a balance.

Have a few stock answers for those comments. I'm either vaguely polite and deflect the question, smartarse, or just a look depending on the person and the situation.

I always wanted kids. I love the ones I'm related to, and like my friends kids, but I'm indifferent to other kids usually. Our lives changed totally but it was a change we wanted and were ready for but even then it was a massive adjustment.

But you've time. Time to properly talk it over, and make the right decision for you.

Squeeonline

There's another community you may find helpful to talk with like-minded people https://reddit.com/r/childfree Ok, a chunk of it is memes/jokes but a lot of it is how to deal with breeders who won't accept that having children is an option not mandatory.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

silverharp

Squeeonline wrote: »

There's another community you may find helpful to talk with like-minded people https://reddit.com/r/childfree Ok, a chunk of it is memes/jokes but a lot of it is how to deal with breeders who won't accept that having children is an option not mandatory.

:rolleyes:

LynnGrace

Just to say, as others have said, it's a decision for both of you as to whether you will have children, and if you do, how that will pan out re childcare and so forth.
It is nobody, I repeat, NOBODY else's business.

Have a few answers ready, if necessary, but other than that, just brush off and ignore what others say. A friend of mine, (in her twenties, as it happens), as soon as she got married, she was being asked mostly by relatives, when she was going to have a baby.

I said to her, ask them how their own sex lives are going... Because, in my opinion, asking people about when they are going to have children is the same thing. Some people do not know how to keep their beak out of other people's business.

OP, I am glad that you got some comfort from the thread. At the end of the day, it is your and your partner's own business, and nobody else's.

Addle

sashafierce wrote: »

Well this is a scary thought!!!! Lol

OP, the one thing that struck me about your post is the assumption that you would have to mind the baby while your husband continued to work and travel. I would be telling him that if a baby happens he needs to be hands on too that its not all your responsibility. You can't be expected to do it all about give up everything.

Does the above work in reality?
Among mothers I know, most have kept their jobs, but most also have the ultimate responsibility when it comes to childcare and chores around the home, even if they earn more than their partners.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, lots of good advice here so I'm not going to repeat it - just to give my 2c....at 31, I was unsure about having children, veering to the No direction and in a job similar to yours. At 35, I'm pregnant. Everyone is different and don't stress yourself out about something now that may or may not change in time, you'll find peace with whatever decision you make.

borderlinemeath

Addle wrote: »

Does the above work in reality?
Among mothers I know, most have kept their jobs, but most also have the ultimate responsibility when it comes to childcare and chores around the home, even if they earn more than their partners.

It can happen if you let it.

Not putting down other women but there is an element of martyrdom amongst some women I know, who write off their husbands and partners as next to useless when it comes to household stuff or sorting childcare, when really it's only because they do it differently to the way they would prefer it done. I'm guilty of it myself sometimes and I have to stop and take a breath and realise he just doesn't see it as I do.

Parchment

borderlinemeath wrote: »

It can happen if you let it.

Not putting down other women but there is an element of martyrdom amongst some women I know, who write off their husbands and partners as next to useless when it comes to household stuff or sorting childcare, when really it's only because they do it differently to the way they would prefer it done. I'm guilty of it myself sometimes and I have to stop and take a breath and realise he just doesn't see it as I do.

This is a great point. I work in a totally female office - they seem to see being exhausted and run off their feet as a badge of honour. They seem to try to outdo each other with busy-ness.

I totally agree that this is something women can allow or not. I dont let my partner slack off on things - as correctly pointed out many men see housework differently to women but its nothing a conversation cant change and some compromise on both sides. OP you need to know that it doesnt have to be you doing all the work and at home all the time.