Childless female feeling pressure from others

LegacyUser

I'm a 31 year old woman. My partner is 36.

I'm beginning to feel incredibly stressed about the future prospect of children, and whether or not we should have them.

I'm a very independent career woman, both my OH and I work very long hours and have successful careers, we travel a lot, and have never had a lifestyle compatible with children. I would have to end my career if I do have kids while my partner would likely continue travelling the world for work on a regular basis.

I've never been around children (no nieces or nephews yet) and am surrounded by people similar to me (career driven, no children yet). So, I don't have any experience of kids. I don't believe I've ever even held a baby.

Honestly, babies terrify me. And I feel embarrassed to admit that. Like I'm some kind of freak. I watch how other women behave when in the vicinity of a baby, my own mother, aunts, cousins lose all concentration and are unable to focus on anything other than the baby. I can't identify with that, while I can fuss over an animal, I've never felt that with children. I don't dislike kids, I just don't have any strong feeling either way.

Does this make me some sort of freak? I'm female and in my 30s - Shouldn't some natural broodiness have kicked in by now? It's beginning to upset me, that my body clock is certainly ticking and I still have no idea if I want kids or not. The prospect of waking up tomorrow pregnant terrifies me. I'm sure we would cope and be very happy, but my fear is giving up a life of first class travel and eating in fancy restaurants and weeks at a time away. I would go from this to being at home 24/7 with nothing to do other than parenting. I fear becoming lonely, depressed and isolated, while my OH continues living the high life.

A career change isn't an option. It's either this path, or nothing. My OH can easily support a family on his wage alone, but I adore my job, my coworkers, the socialisation and fun. I fear becoming the woman who only talks about diaper changes and feeding routines.

It's come to the point where family and in laws, and even people who barely know me, regularly remind me that "you'd want to be getting onto babies soon" and inside, it enrages me. I find myself close to saying "actually I can't have children" just to knock them back and make them think. I never realised how much of a public interest my womb would become when i hit 30.

Then, I calm down and wonder if maybe everyone is right? We live in a rural region where high flying careers are very uncommon, and I'm sure people will see us as a lonely childless couple down the road who put work first. I don't care what people think, but maybe I fear they will be correct?

I haven't seen it like that up to now because we both adore our life. But my OH is beginning to feel broody. He'd like children in the next couple of years but is ok if I decide against having them. He thinks it would be easy, but I feel he doesn't think into the reality of it. Maybe I have overthought it, the fact I will have to drive them to a school 8 miles away as we don't live near any bus runs, etc, etc.

Is the joy children bring really that great? Or do people simply convince themselves it is because they know no different or didn't have to sacrifice much to have them?

I think if I lived a more regular life (not spending several months per year overseas) and didn't live my job so much, this wouldn't be such a difficult decision.

I probably sound anti kids, I'm not. I am truly undecided and scared I will regret not having them.

Airyfairy12

The cheek of people telling you that you need to start thinking about babies. People are so bloody rude, they dont know if you can or can't have children and its none of their business either way. I'd hate to think that they'd say such a thing to a couple that really can't conceive, it would be devastating for them.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids, more and more women are deciding against it and you shouldnt base such a huge life changing decision on what other people think or small minded comments.

If you did decide to have kids now youd be a single parent as your partner won't be around most of the time and thats something you'd really need to consider, unless your partner would be willing to change his career too which id imagine is unlikely to happen.

That being said my mother was 39 when she had my brother, she has a 42 year old friend who recently had her first child, its not uncommon these days for women to have kids much later in life and you have plenty of time to change your mind.

Triceratops Ballet

Op, I'm 4 years older than you and my thoughts on kids are along the same lines. I wouldn't tolerate anyone making comments like that to me about hurrying up etc.

I've always known kids weren't for me and people have always told me I'll change my mind but here I am mid 30's childless and happy about it. I kept waiting for that day they all told me the penny would drop but it still hasn't.

I feel the same about babies too like if someone brings their baby into the office, I'll say hello, but I'm not lining up to hold the baby, or smell its head. I do like kids though I think the wonder the see the world with is magical. But that alone is not enough for me to make a life altering commitment on.

Maybe sometime in the future I'll feel differently, but I'll deal with that then. Having a kid now because biologically I can just on the off chance that in a few years I'll want a kid, seems bizarre.

I'm in my forties, no kids & won't be having them.
I never felt strongly enough to have them, if it happened it would probably have been OK, but now at my age, I wouldn't want them.
I have a great life & I find if you're grateful for what you have you don't think about things that you don't have.
You're 30, you have a few more years. I wouldn't lose sleep over it & I wouldn't be having them just in case I might regret not having them! Doesn't seem like a great reason to me to bring a child into the world.

amtc

My best friend and me have 1 day between us. We will both be 44 next month.

She with every bit of her being wants a child. And has spent a fortune in this. I, on the other hand don't. I did get pregnant in my 20s unexpectedly and it was not to be. But I don't feel like I lost anything. Wrong time wrong person. I do have a moment every February when I think what might have been.

My friend is absolutely obsessed. I don't have the same need. Really good with babies. Had my friend's 3 year old for two days recently but could give him back!

My dad had a go at me recently about not giving my mother grandchildren (I'm an only child) so I retorted to him...rather childishly...that I'd just pop down to coppers for the night.

You have time at your age. I don't. But it doesn't really bother me. Don't bother about what anyone else says or may or may not think. As I said I'm an only child but my mam still got hassle about why only one.

Bambi985

I think your problem here is your surroundings and the busybodies around you moreso than any conflicting feelings about having a child.

You don't want them now and that's OK. You're just going to have to come up with some sharp retorts for the curtain-twitching folks around you to shut that pressure off. I'd try "that's a bit of a rude question, isn't it?" and "why do you feel the need to say that?" or "I don't think that's any of your business, is it?". If you're a high-flying business woman you'll know the importance of being assertive and shutting down conversations and this is no different.

You're 31 and have time. My mother had her first at 34 and last at 39. I'm a similar age to you and expect the same for myself. Mid-30s before we'll start trying. A bit riskier yes, but not the armageddon some people will make out. I've looked into it and the latest research says that more than 80 percent of women between 34-39 will conceive within the first year of trying and those huge drop-offs aren't seen until 40+.

Maybe do your own research and discuss timelines with your OH. Even if it's "let's talk again in two years". Your mind could change suddenly, or it might stay the exact same, both are totally fine.

And honestly I prefer "childfree" to "childless". The wording on this alone can spark feelings of inadequacy. It's not wrong to not want children. It's just a relatively taboo thing to talk about as a woman, especially in Ireland.

Big Bag of Chips

People love to talk. They love to trot out the clichés. At the end of the day, they don't actually care whether you have children or not. And that's what you need to realise. So now you're left thinking about this. Worrying, wondering if you should be worrying and wondering about it. I can 100% guarantee that none of the people who comment to you ever think about you, or you having babies or not as soon as they've walked away from you. They probably move on to dole out the next cliché to the next person they meet.

Before I had children, I got the same. When I had my first child, a boy, I was told he'd need a brother or sister. When I had my second, a girl, I was told I had a boy and girl now I could stop, I "didn't need to go again". I never needed to go in the first place!! People just love to comment, and often they don't register that their comments might be unhelpful or even hurtful. Maybe it would be no harm to point out to people that you find their comments unnecessary. Try come up with a good line, that's not too harsh, but leaves them in no doubt that you don't appreciate their comments.

Children are damn hard work. Damn hard. Your life does change. Of course it does. You have this helpless being who is wholly dependent on you. Completely. I remember after my daughter was born a neighbour of my mam's said to me: They are just so helpless. They depend on you for everything. Like if you don't feed them, they'll die. She wasn't being nasty or reminding me I should feed her!! But she was basically pointing out how helpless and vulnerable a baby is. Once they get older they become harder work! There's activities, school, friends, swimming, sports, whatever they're in to! I used to see "Mum's Taxi" stickers in cars and roll my eyes. I now understand what they mean (although I'd still never buy one!!)

It is a tough job. And it's better that you're thinking about it rather than blindly walking into it, just because others tell you you should. I suppose the only thing you can do is taking all the comments out of it, would you be thinking of having children now anyway. Or is it only something that is on your mind because of comments.

It's nobody else's business. And nobody else is going to be there raising your child after they've all has their nosiness satisfied by you becoming pregnant! It's your choice. Maybe you need to tell people that.

ncmc

There's absolutely nothing wrong with not feeling broody or not wanting children. Many couples are choosing to remain child free these days. No one has any right to say anything to you, it's beyond rude and cheeky. I would have a stock reply ready along the lines of 'I don't think that's anyone's business but my husband and mine'. I have one child and one on the way but I was an older first time mum (was 36 when my daughter arrived) I was never a broody person, I don't mind other people's children, but I am not one of those people who turn into quivering piles of goo when they see a baby. I never felt that overwhelming urge to have a child. In fact, I was quite happy to remain child free, but my husband was very keen on having children. It's one of those situations were there is no halfway compromise so we made the decision to have one and then I didn't want her to be an only child so we have another on the way.

Having children is lovely, they do bring a lot of joy. My daughter is almost 3 now and we have great craic with her now. But it is hard, especially in the early days. My husband and I had a great life before kids and we have a great life now. I wouldn't necessarily say one is better than the other, just different.

It's probably a harder decision for you as you have such a great job and it's a big part of your life. I have a bog standard job and was able to return and do a 4 day week which helps a great deal. Does it have to be all or nothing with your job, could you keep working but maybe do less travel or move to a slightly different role that didn't have as long hours? Plenty of successful business women manage careers and family, I'm sure you could find a way to make it work if it's what you really wanted.

You're still very young, you don't have to make a decision right now. Why not park it for a few years and see how you feel then. But there's certainly nothing wrong with deciding kids aren't for you. It's not selfish, in fact it's the exact opposite! I think it's more selfish to have kids you don't really want or can provide time to just to satisfy some archaic role society deems you should have.

celligraphy

Hi op , you 'll have to learn to ignore the nosiness of some people , do whatever makes you happy even if you did have a child they would be constantly asking when is the next child or is the child not lonely etc , people will always talk you'll just have to learn to ignore it and if you ever did want kids that is your business and your partners , my partner never held a puppy in his life never mind a baby but he turned out to be a brilliant dad even tho he hated kids... As parents say we like kids just our own only.

Alicealways

Alicealways wrote: »

but my fear is giving up a life of first class travel and eating in fancy restaurants and weeks at a time away. I would go from this to being at home 24/7 with nothing to do other than parenting. I fear becoming lonely, depressed and isolated, while my OH continues living the high life.
A career change isn't an option. It's either this path, or nothing. My OH can easily support a family on his wage alone, but I adore my job, my coworkers, the socialisation and fun. I fear becoming the woman who only talks about diaper changes and feeding routines.

I don't know if this is part of the reason or something you're mentioning to try justify - which you don't need to - the underlying feeling, but after maternity leave he could be the stay at home parent while you support you both?
It doesn't have to be you staying at home?
Just an idea to consider

Maybe I have overthought it, the fact I will have to drive them to a school 8 miles away as we don't live near any bus runs, etc, etc.

Maybe he can drive them

If you do go for it - and you certainly don't have to, tell those nosy people to piss off, I can't believe the cheek! - it's a joint venture. It's not him going "oh it's easy" while he sits on his backside and you do all the work.
It might be worth you sitting down with him and asking what exactly he pictures going on and the millions of tasks that come along with it and how involved he plans on being.

amdublin

Couple of things.
Maybe consider couples counselling to explore if you definitely don't want children - you seem to me to be wavering. Explaining why you don't want but then saying what if/maybe we should...

You need to either learn to ignore the nosey people or shut them down. I like the "that's rather personal isn't it" response.

I like the term childfree rather than childless. Yes a child is wonderful. But my God it's a lot of work, and life is so much easier without.

A Battered Mars Bar

Can't really give a definitive answer until I hear more about this high flying career in a rural location. What could be more important than family?

jackboy

You need to sit down with your husband and talk this out properly. If he is bloody now this will probably get more intense every year. You have a lot of advice here saying you have lots of time but nobody knows this. There are options though such as freezing your eggs now. The important thing is that you and your husband are on the same page.

silverharp

it might just come down to the slight age difference between the 2 of you and you "arent there" yet. Keep talking to your partner though, he might (not unreasonably) really want to have kids and then you might have some decisions to make.

amdublin

A Battered Mars Bar wrote: »

What could be more important than family?

In your opinion.

Good luck with your own family/children.

Kidchameleon

Having a child does not mean you have to give up your job. Your partner could look after the child, its 2017 after all. Oh and screw the haters, enjoy your life however you choose.

Addle

Are you really happy with your decision OP?
I made the same decision and though I get the same comments from others, they don't make me feel pressure.
I agree with the above that mostly people are just making chat, and have nothing better to say.

As for judgment from others, I find that those that are aggressive with their opinions just don't like their own life choices to be, in their opinion, undermined.

eviltwin

Having children is not for everyone just as having a pet is not for everyone but you don't see the same pressure on people to get a dog.

There are a lot of voices and opinions coming through in your post OP. Try shuting out the ones from family and friends and listen to the only voices that matter, yours and your partners.

Your life will change dramatically if you have a child, even the small stuff will have to be weighed up with a child in mind. That can be hard even when you want children but when it's something you've wanted the sacrifices are worth it. If you don't want to be making those sacrifices you will be heading down a road of resentment and unhappiness.

I think the suggestion of counselling is a good one. Whatever you decide will affect the rest of your life, you need to be completely sure you are doing the right thing for you, not what is right for others.

Dial Hard

A Battered Mars Bar wrote:

Can't really give a definitive answer until I hear more about this high flying career in a rural location. What could be more important than family?

They already are a family.

Duvetdays

I'm in the same boat as you op. I'm 33 husband is 39 we don't want kids and my family would never ask me about having them but his family do my head in constantly mentioning it in a jokey manner. I laugh it off but it grates on my nerves sometimes as they don't know if we really don't want them or if we are only saying that because we can't have them. Kids bug me and I'm not into being around them constantly I like my own space and time to myself which I could kiss goodbye to if I had a child.

Eimee90

Its none of your business to know any of that. Just because having a family is your top priority does not mean its everyones. Its this type of attitude the Op is talking about.

Op, you still have time. Maybe research a bit. Talk to women who have juggled both with careers similar to you. Im not saying this to convince you to have kids but rather to be sure you dont want them. No regrets as they say

bp

Kids do change your life and unless you have a live in nanny to rear them something will have to give. Would you be able to support you both on your salary - ask your husband would he stay at home all day while you travel the world.

Ignore everyone else, there is nothing wrong with not wanting children, the world is over populated as is! I see friends without kids having multiple city breaks, sleeping in on weekends and having lazy brunches. My OH and I need to coordinate if anyone wants time out with friends. That said I love mine and wanted them desperately but my career has suffered - something I willingly let happen but my OH and I agreed that in advance.

Give yourself time and when someone says it to you next time say your husband is waiting naked for you at home but you have to run to town for whipped cream and strawberries!

Parchment

Im a 32 year old woman in a long term relationship with my partner, he is 37.

I have never wanted children. I have no interest in children - never held a baby and dont "coo" over babies like most women seem to. I never played with dolls/played house as a child. I have never felt a maternal instinct or pang for a child.

I dont think you are a freak and i dont think i am a freak either! i feel complete indifference when it comes to kids.For me i just dont want kids - simple as that, i have never wanted them and despite others opinions....i never will want them. Thankfully my partner does not want kids. Many people told me that i would want kids when i met the right man....my retort was "the right man for me wont want kids".

I asked my GP at 20 to see if she could refer me for tubal litigation. There was no point in even trying as she said no surgeon would consider it. I am now going ahead with a stronger case for litigation next month seeking a referral to a surgeon. I hope to have the surgery soon.

This is your decision - nobody elses. If you do decide you want kids next year thats fine too but if you dont want kids, thats it! Also i dont think career has any real correlation - if you wanted kids you would have them if you were working or unemployed.

If you do choose to have kids - it should be a shared task, so dont think you need to be the one at home all the time. Their father/other parent needs to step in too.

This is a topic really close to my heart - i get asked a lot and when i say i dont want kids i get a patronising shake of the head a chuckle. Any reason not to have kids is a valid one in my opinion.

Parchment

A Battered Mars Bar wrote: »

Can't really give a definitive answer until I hear more about this high flying career in a rural location. What could be more important than family?

this is such a narrow view of the world.

shesty

I'm 34 OP, and I have two small kids.
I was always pretty ambivalent about kids and I still wouldn't be 100% mad on children (apart from my own ) I understand them better now, but that doesn't mean I will necessarily enjoy an afternoon spent with a couple of 2 or 3 year olds! That said, I always knew I wanted them. My career has kept going, I'm a working mum. Actually to be honest - the way I feel now, I may have one more child (soon!) and then I'm done - and I'm aiming to put my life back together workwise. That's how it feels for me, onwards and upwards is the only way.

I can't answer your question, only you can. But there's a couple of things I will say.

You would want to have a serious conversation with your OP about this, because it's a huge thing. You really need to figure out where you both stand on this.

There is no right time to have kids. None. The one point will make is - the younger you are, the better. You can freeze your eggs and do all that stuff and try late and that's great - but I'm 34, my husband is 33 and we are bloody exhausted. I cannot describe the absolute bone deep weariness that comes with having small kids (2 and a half years, and 11 months in our case). It is like nothing else. Kids are a young person's game, seriously. Of course you can have them older, there's nothing wrong with it - you just take a much bigger hit on your physical tiredness and the massive change in your life. It's not just me saying that by the way, a few older (like 50s and 60s) men and women I've met along the way, who had kids a bit later in life have also said it. There's a bloody good reason we are biologically primed to be at our most fertile in our early 20s, and it's not just to do with eggs, or ease of conception or whatever else!

Thirdly - can you picture yourself in 5,10,15 years time? Will the first class travel and expensive restaurants still be as important then do you think?

Finally - nothing lasts forever. My kids are small now and they are hard work now, but god, every day they show me that nothing lasts forever. And I know in the not too distant future that they won't need me so much and I'll get my life back. And I'll miss them! I won't miss the crack of dawn wake up calls and the mess all over my house, but I'll miss the bedtime snuggles with my 11 month old, and my two year old wanting to hold my hand and explain the world to her, and the giggles the pair of them have when playing with toys in the living room. I'll miss it so much, it will hurt. It's a total cliche, but there you have it. Coz that's what kids do to you, when they're your own. And when you have your own - you suddenly feel a bit differently about everybody else's.

I know that mightn't be the most help, but for what it's worth, that's my 2 cents.

Rubberchikken

i have two kids, both grown and in college, and i'm still not a 'kid mad' person. i obviously adore my own two but i could take orleave anyone elses. that's just me being truthful.
i have a shedload of nephews/nieces/grandnephews/grandnieces and while nice to see them i'd survive without as well. i can neve understand how others go gaga over babies/toddlers. i don't hate them just have no genuine interest.
tbh i'd go gooey over an animal first:) but i've enough copon to realise that showing a little interest in others offspring is kind of a given.

having said all that, maybe you're not in the right place to consider kids yet, maybe you never will be. whichever it is and whatever decision you and your oh make, will be the right decision for you both.

you can have a career and kids, many do, so don't let that put you off so to speak. it maybe a bit more difficult in many ways, but if/when you have kids you will realise that the things you would do for your own are things you'd never imagined.

good luck.

freshpopcorn

You can have a high flying career and children in my experience.
Personally myself I found when people start asking questions about career/college/family/partners I just tell people the truth to the person. If it's for me or not and people get the message and don't ask those questions anymore.
Most of the time tough people mean no harm.
My only concern would be if your partner is feeling broody and he says he'll be happy without them I often wonder will he be able to switch off the switch in the future if ye don't have children!

Ghekko

I was the opposite and always wanted kids. Now that I have some I can honestly say I just about tolerate my own. I have no interest in other people's stories about their cute kids. I often think it will get easier when they are adults but then think sure the worry will never end. I daydream of what our lives would be like if we didn't have any. I stopped working and stayed home with them and now am a virtual recluse. I cannot stand the clique at the school gates, the scuffle to queue at a parent teacher meeting, reminder texts about parent association meetings, birthday party 'etiquette ', and so on and on and on...

I'd look at those nosey people who question you like they have 2 heads - none of their business. Alternatively squeeze out a few dramatic tears. They'll soon shut up thinking you can't have kids and are deeply traumatised. Enjoy your life with your partner. You have every right to enjoy your career and make something of yourself. Having kids is not the be all and end all. In any case you most likely have a few fertile years left in you if you ever did get a sudden onset of broodiness :-)

LegacyUser

Just a quick reply to thank each and every one of you for taking the time to reply to my post. I can't describe how valuable each post has been to me. I will reply properly later, but I am very thankful I posted this thread as I think this issue was affecting me even more than I realised and to see I am not alone is a weight lifted from me.

I have more to say but don't have time right now. But I am reading all replies. 😊

Parchment

Ghekko wrote: »

I was the opposite and always wanted kids. Now that I have some I can honestly say I just about tolerate my own. I have no interest in other people's stories about their cute kids. I often think it will get easier when they are adults but then think sure the worry will never end. I daydream of what our lives would be like if we didn't have any. I stopped working and stayed home with them and now am a virtual recluse. I cannot stand the clique at the school gates, the scuffle to queue at a parent teacher meeting, reminder texts about parent association meetings, birthday party 'etiquette ', and so on and on and on...

I'd look at those nosey people who question you like they have 2 heads - none of their business. Alternatively squeeze out a few dramatic tears. They'll soon shut up thinking you can't have kids and are deeply traumatised. Enjoy your life with your partner. You have every right to enjoy your career and make something of yourself. Having kids is not the be all and end all. In any case you most likely have a few fertile years left in you if you ever did get a sudden onset of broodiness :-)

This is a really refreshing post - thanks for your honesty.

Bigus

Perhaps seek out some octogenarian successful people , some with offspring and some without, and see if they can shed some wisdom on lifestyle choices and how these decisions sit with them after a lifetime of experience.

I believe very few people wish they spent "more time in the office " on their deathbed , but I'm not so sure they say the same thing about time spent with family.

Also from a selfish point of view what happens if a spouse passes away prematurely and you're on your own with not a lot to show for all the travel and worldly trinkets.