To leave or not to leave...

fifigogo

Hi everyone, I would really appreciate some advice. I'll just give a little history and I will try to keep it as short as possible. I have been in a relarionship with my partner for 5 years. We met in Philippines. When I travelled there I got a job as a diving instructor and he was a divemaster in the same diveshop. We started seeing each other casually and it progressed quite quickly over a few weeks given we were working side by side everyday. He had a reputation for being with foreign girls, this I knew and after us being together 3 months I accidentally found emails between him and a danish ex lover and they had arranged to meet up on a different island later in the year. The emails were before he and I began dating but I asked him about it all the same and he said he had no intention of meeting her. I left it at that. A few weeks later I discovered I was pregnant and after discussing with my partner we decided to terminate the pregnancy. I arranged to have this done and was making a trip back to Ireland to visit family.

I had the termination, visited my family in Ireland and we were in contact the whole time. After two weeks I returned to the dive shop I was working where I expected to see my partner. However he wasn't there and when I asked his friend where he was, he told me my partner had gone to another island (the island he arranged to meet his ex lover). I was so upset because it meant he did intend to meet the ex. My partner returned a week later and I asked him did he meet the ex. He swore he didn't and gave me some excuse of having to get his drivers license which seemed legitimate (the island we lived did not have motor vehicle office). So we continued to see each other and then one day at the dive shop he left his email account wide open on the dive shop computer. As I have to process student courses, I would have used the computer a lot. Anyway I saw an email from the ex and I opened it and sure enough it confirmed they had met each other and also it said they would be friends or something to that effect. I was heartbroken and furious especially that he was off doing this when I was going through the after effects of the termination. I confronted him and he had no choice but to admit it but he said they didn't sleep together. Being so upset I emailed the ex and asked her what happend and she replied saying I should speak to my partner. We seperated but after a couple of weeks got back together and I forgave him but it was difficult. I didn't trust him and we argued quite a bit.

We decided to leave the town we lived in and make a fresh start somewhere else.We worked in different dive shops and then we made a visit to his parents house (which is on the first island we met but different village). Things were getting better but then my partner wanted to work in a renowned dive shop located on another island which was also offering instructor courses. We had both been offered jobs in a local diveshop but after discussing, I agreed to stay with his family and he would go off for 4 months, work as a divemaster while getting his instructor license. We spoke everyday on the phone. During that time we were hit by a category 4 typhoon and the island and village I was living with his parents was hit really bad but luckily on our side no one was hurt however his family's home was destroyed and the dive shop I worked at was badly damaged. The island my partner was on wasn't hit as bad. After the typhoon, there was a positive shift in our relationship. My partner got his license and he came to work in the dive shop with me. We were so happy to see each other again and our relationship was very tender and loving.

After a year I became pregnant again and we wanted to have the baby. I couldn't dive being pregnant and after the baby was born, I decided to stay at home while he worked. Things were going really well and he was so involved with our son. After several months I was finding living there and raising a baby difficult. We weren't anywhere near a hospital and the standard of living was very basic plus the people around me spoke very little english. If it was just me and my partner I would be fine with that but being a first time mother and not having certain comforts left me desiring a first world way of living. I then had been contacted by my brother who I have a joint mortgage with. He had been made redundant and asked if I was willing to come back to Ireland. I talked everything over with my partner and we agreed I would go back and we would apply for a visa for him to live in Ireland. I knew this would be so difficult being apart for possibly a year and I said to him that if he got lonely or did have a one night stand that we could work through it as long as he was honest with me. We kept in touch via skype and messenger 2 to 3 times a weeks. Things were as good as they could be given the long distance but it was a strain.

A few months ago I recieved some emails from a girl living on the island and she told me that my partner was having an affair with a danish instructor(not the same as the first one) who worked in the same dive shop as he did. I told him about the emails and he said it was lies. I got another email and replied to this girl asking for more info. It really got under my skin and so I asked my partner would he allow me to look at his own emails. He point blank refused which he has every right to but before in the relationship we were very open about phone codes and things and even used each others phones at times. I asked him was there anything going on with this danish instructor and he swore there wasn't. I reiterated to him that it was better to tell the truth to me rather than me find out later some other way. The girl sending the emails was quite vague with me so I asked some local friends to find out anything if they could and they hadn't heard a thing about my partner seeing anyone else. So I tried to put it out of my mind but I had a nagging feeling inside me about this.

The visa my partner applied for has been approved and we booked a flight so he is due to arrive in two weeks. His birthday was a few days ago and on social media he received lots of birthday wishes including a very personal one from the alleged other woman. To me it seemed a little too personal and I was very annoyed over it. Actually I was quite angry and upset about it. I told my partner we needed to talk and so I asked him what kind of relationship he had with this girl and he said "We are close, very close. We're friends". The way he said it sounded like he felt guilty about it. He never ever mentioned her before and when I casually asked him months ago "Oh is there a new instructor working with you" he barely remarked about her. After the emails I found out he had been hanging out with her prior to working with her and for longer than he let on. I asked him why he never mentioned the friendship if it was a just a friendship and he said he didn't want me to feel insecure.

So now I just don't know how I feel anymore. I just can't get passed the lies. I'm not sure I want him here but we do have a child together and I do love him but I definitely don't trust him now. I feel so hurt and betrayed and it's almost like history repeating itself. He also seems different and now when I remember back to our skype conversations, he did seem very disconnected from me but I put that down to stress. After the email allegations, he perked up a bit. I have a feeling he doesn't want to leave his job there. He loves what he does and it's daunting coming to a new country that is so different. Our plan was just to live here for awhile and then go back to Philippines or another part of Asia but now I'm thinking would I just be better off on my own. I am so confused!

fifigogo

Apologies for the lengthy post folks!!

LegacyUser

Deep down, you know the answer to your question OP.
Your bf has shown his true colours again & again & again. At this stage there's no point even pretending to be outraged or surprised or disappointed with his little liasons - he's not going to change.
So you either continue to accept it or else move on.

Another day

No trust = no relationship, imo.

You however gave him permission for one night stands...give anyone an inch and they'll take a mile.

Only you can decide if you trust/want him here. Your child is also entitled to know its father so maybe give it a trial run. Next time don't give him permission to be unfaithful.

Gangu

You sound like you want people to tell you what you know, he's a philanderer. Without trust what do you have? Nothing.

fifigogo

Another day wrote: »

No trust = no relationship, imo.

You however gave him permission for one night stands...give anyone an inch and they'll take a mile.

Only you can decide if you trust/want him here. Your child is also entitled to know its father so maybe give it a trial run. Next time don't give him permission to be unfaithful.

I didn't exactly give him permission. I said "If" because I knew we would be geographically separated for a year+ and I was trying to be realistic. Not that I would like it though and given the nature of the business we work in there are plenty of tourists (male and female) throwing themselves at their dive guides looking for some casual fun. What I didn't expect was an intimate relationship to carry on for several months, if that is what actually happened. I don't know for sure.

As for my son, absolutely he has every right to know who his father is.

PixiePoxbottle

There's no trust and he seems to be making no effort to earn your trust back after the lies before. Your relationship is doomed to fail at this point. I think you need to have a serious discussion with him and lay everything out on the table and ask he does the same. If he refuses and you feel you can't trust him, you should probably consider walking away from the relationship because it sounds like it's doing no one any good.