Reacting to my mothers death

LegacyUser

My mother passed away suddenly less than three weeks ago. I was very close to her and had dreaded the day that it would happen, once she started getting older. I thought I would be totally grief stricken and couldn't imagine going through normal life ever again.

However I can't describe how I feel now that it actually has happened. I was devastated before & during the funeral and for the first week, however now I feel relatively normal and am back in work & getting on with things as before. I have the odd bad moment & tears but on the whole I feel OK and this is happening less & less.

Is this normal? I feel that I am bad for behaving like this and that I should feel worse, especially as I was so close to her. People are even saying to me that it probably hasn't sunk in yet when they see how good I am, and maybe they are right, but I just don't know how I should be feeling..........
She was in her 80's and had a good life and it was good that she didn't suffer at the end, so maybe that's why I feel this way? Or is there something wrong with me?

9or10

OP I'm sorry for your loss.

I've no great cup of wisdom to share other than:

- there is no normal. Everyone is different.
- don't add the worry of how you feel to your list of worries. You feel how you feel, be kind to yourself.

All the best.

Stopped Clock

Sorry for your loss. I thought I'd reply to this because I started a thread asking a question like this last year. My mum died, though it was different to your circumstances. She'd had dementia for several years so the personality side of her had long since vanished. It still was heartbreaking when she died though and I shed very real, very heartbroken tears.

I don't know how I expected grief to be but so far it's not how I'd imagined it to be. In many ways I returned to "normality" quickly. I returned to work and got busy living as normal a life as I could. I've mostly been OK ever since. I think about mum a lot and all sorts of things remind me of her. Songs on the radio, certain clothes, food, places, smells etc. Sometimes they make me feel sad for a fleeting moment and then I'm OK again. Other times I shed a tear and feel sad for longer. It does pass though. I think life continuing to go on around me has been of enormous help.

Having said that, mum's death had a more subtle effect on me. I don't think I was depressed after she died but I think I plodded along on autopilot for a while afterwards. It's only now that I'm rediscovering a zest for life. I also hit a wall of sorts. Probably it happened after the mass cards stopped streaming in and we'd taken care of all the post-funeral business. It was a feeling of finality and of emptiness. She' not coming back, this is it. It's over.

Everyone's grief is a personal thing I think. I don't think there's a right way or a wrong way or a script. We're all different human beings and we all find our own ways to cope. That's my take on it anyway.

chooey

I agree with the poster above in that everyone's grief is different. My mam passed away suddenly just over a year ago. I was and still am devastated by it and what I found really difficult was that life kept going. I found that I was relatively ok for the first few months then it really hit me, I miss talking to her so much and still have moments when I go to phone her. Like you I'm glad she didn't suffer but I feel she's gone way too early as she wasn't even 60 and I was pregnant with my first baby when she went
You'll definitely have good days and bad days and I think it's a different grief that you feel as time goes on. It's not the raw feeling that you get at the start more like a dull ache of missing them so much

JillyQ

Sorry for your loss OP. Grief is very different for everyone & we all have different ways of handling it. I always thought I would cope ok when one of my parents past, but last July when my father passed away quiet literally my world crashed down around me. All of us grieve in different ways and grief hits us all differently. I don't think you can say one way is normal an another way isn't. You possible are grieving in the way that is right for you.

Ghekko

Sorry for your loss. My mum passed away in 2015 and my dad last week. I was close to mum and would have spoken to her daily. She also died suddenly and while the days of the funeral were a nightmare, I was like you afterwards and just got on with it. I still wonder if I'm going to crack some day but hope it's just that I am strong enough to cope. I wouldnt have been as close to my dad and as he was quite elderly I feel he had a good long life and had good friends. I am tired now after the week but not crying about it. Again I hope I continue this way as I don't know how I'd cope if it's a case that the past year and bit catches up on me and hits me!

cath28

So sorry for your loss, but I'm happy for you that you're coping.
My mum left us 5 months ago, and I completely fell apart, each experience of grief is individual, but its better to hold it together- its what your mum would want you to do. Someone said that to me and it snapped me out of my grief a little.. 'your mum would hate you to be this upset', so I try to cope better for her..
As the other posters said above.. there is no right or wrong way. You cant quantify grief in tears and upset, so don't worry about how you're reacting or feeling. Its a good thing that you're coping. xx

The Red Lad

Sorry for your loss I lost my mother 5 years ago this year back when I was 18 and like you went back to normality for quite sometime and also threw myself into things to keep my mind occupied until about a year ago I felt like I was bombshelled with late grief and was completely devastated but came through it and dealth with it in my own time and own way and have never felt stronger everybody deals and copes with it differently and the loss of your mother is probably one of the hardest things to get used to you never really fully get over it but learn to deal with it and accept it as best you can . There will be good days and there will be bad this and that is completely understandable just try to remember they want you to be happy and enjoy life.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thanks for all the kind replies. I think it is only hitting me now as I am going through a bad patch at the moment, crying completely out of the blue even when she is not on my mind, and just feeling so sad and missing her. I can be fine for most of the day working away and getting on with things but it can just come from nowhere. I still don't think it's actually happened a lot of the time though which is weird. I'm learning to just go with whatever I'm feeling and hope that I will get through it eventually.

cath28

Sending you hugs.. A friend said to me.. 'its the price of love' That gave me solace. xx