Caught BF (38) planning to meet 17 yr old girl and looking for escorts. Pls Help

hzfc

This is my first time using a forum, but I'm pretty distraught and would appreciate any advice.

Two days ago I caught my new boyfriend who is 38 planning on meeting up with a 17 year old girl for sex. I know the girls boyfriend, he caught her chatting to my boyfriend then screenshotted me the whole conversation they had. I was immediately heartbroken and disgusted. She wanted to meet him after school, he said yes and that he wanted sex and then sent her his address. This all happened on Instagram private messenger.

When I saw the conversation I felt sick, I didn't sleep that night. I called straight to his house the next morning to confront him. Eventually he owned up and said he was sorry and that he blocked her on Instagram that night because he didnt want to go through with it.

I found out that the girl is actually 14 not 17 (he didnt know that). She looks so young though and he's old enough to be her dad!

We tried to talk it out and I stayed with him that night. The next morning I felt so angry with what he had done that I searched his internet history. I found that he was looking up Escorts in his area, everyday for as far back as I could search. When I confronted him about it he said that he doesnt use the escorts, he just 'gets off' on them and then watches porn. I have no problem with porn, but I think looking at escorts is different. I mean, why would you look at escorts to get off when you have a whole web of porn available?

I dont know whether to trust him or not. We are in the early stages of the relationship and everything was going great. The sex was great, everything was great. I trusted him so much but I feel like he has crossed the line.

He's otherwise so sweet and caring to me and makes me happy. Although he does shy away from public displays of affection ie, holding hands and stuff. But he says he cares about me and loves me and that he wanted us to have a future together!

He also said he is planning to go to counselling or a sex therapist next week and that maybe I could join him. He's really upset about what he did.

Sorry for rambling. My heads all over the place.

If anyone has any advice on what I should do, I would really appreciate.

spurious

hzfc wrote:

I dont know whether to trust him or not.

I think you already know what to do. Do it soon.

Airyfairy12

Leave! Why are you even questioning this? and why would you stay the night after finding out he was planning on meeting a teenager for sex? You said yourself the girl looks really young, arent you concerned that your boyfriend is potentially a pedophile? never mind the fact he's very open to cheating on you. He's given you every reason not to trust him. Youre lucky that its only the early stages of the relationship, you can dodge the bullet, leave and move on quickly rather than discovering this years down the line. I dont know why youd even consider staying with him?!

bp

He could go to prison and be put on the sex offenders register for what he did. that could destroy your good name too

LegacyUser

Your thread title is factually incorrect; read your post again . Your bf was caught texting a *** 14 YEAR OLD *** for sex . It doesn't matter that he didn't go through with it. The law classifies this as statutory rape of a minor. How could you even contemplate having kids with someone who thinks it's acceptable to proposition a CHILD? I'd be terrified of leaving my nieces or friends daughters or even my own daughters alone in his company

December2012

That is some skeevy behaviour on his part. Honestly what is so appealing that you would consider staying with this man, who

1) "looks up escorts"
2) agrees to have sex with a barely legal girl he thinks is still less than half his age
3) doesn't think to properly ask if said girl is at least the age of consent
(Btw was he going to pay this child for sex?)
4) and it's only a new relationship?

Leave. Leave quickly and safely

Little CuChulainn

You're in the early stages of the relationship and he's looking up escorts and arranging to meet children for sex. Where is the dilemma? Leave him and report him.

ash23

I have a 14 year old daughter. The only place I'd be going OP is to the guards.
I don't care if he thought she was 17. She's a school girl, a child.
He's nearly 40 years of age. I wouldn't be able to bring myself to look at him, let alone stay with him.

coffee_cake

Who cares about him holding hands? He was texting a 14 year old for sex?? Run away. Just run.
Stop by the guards as well

OP, are you certain that he "thought" she was 17? Do you have any evidence that this was mentioned? I ask this, because it seems all too convenient that this just happens to be the age of consent in Ireland ..

Big Bag of Chips

That girl needs to be protected. She's a child. Probably only in second year. Which means 2 years ago she was in primary school. Think about that. 2 years ago she was in primary school and now your 38 year old boyfriend is sending her his address to bring her to his house for sex.

Think about that, and go to the guards.

You don't know him. He's not the person you thought he was. And honestly, it's very very unlikely that this is his first time. How unlucky that the first time he tried to arrange sex with a child a 14/15 year old boy rumbled him?

Go to the guards. That girl is a child. She may not even have started her period yet... That's how young she is. You are the adult here who knows that a child was being groomed and being put in danger of being raped. Maybe he's telling you he thought she was 17 to make it less wrong. I'd say he knew exactly how old she was.

How the hell did they even end up in contact with each other?

You have no choice but go to the guards. If you don't tell the guards, or at least her parents you are guilty of protecting a paedophile.

GingerLily

How do you know be didn't go through with it? How do you know he hasn't done this before? What you know is only the tip of the iceberg, what's he's admitted to and what he's done are two separate things.

I think the guards should be involved, please do the right thing here, you know how wrong this is-that's why you posted here.

Loveinapril

I agree with Big Bag of Chips. By going to the Gardaí, you will also ensure that the girl's parents are informed and they can take steps to protect her from this happening in the future. This may not be her first/ last time being vulnerable to this sort of situation and she NEEDS for an adult to know what is going on.

Big Bag of Chips

Her boyfriend may have told you as a revenge thing. To let you know your bf is cheating in you. He probably wouldn't tell her parents because he's think it's none of their business... As teenagers do! He wouldn't even see this as a child protection issue.

You know better and you know exactly what it is. She's a child.

mahamageehad

Echoing all the opinions here, go to the guards. Ask them to keep it anonymous if you like, but I dunno if they'll do that. Let them investigate. Just playing devils advocate here- screenshots are no proof and could easily have been tampered with or edited by the BF as a revenge thing. Just a possibility, that's why I'd leave it to the guards to investigate. Have you checked her Instagram feed? If she's that age it's more than likely public. Most kids that age wouldn't care about online privacy and often give away hints of age in their posts e.g. "Ugh, stressed from the junior Cert" or "me and my bestie at her 14th". If that's the case, you can be sure he knew her age as he knew her Instagram well enough to be private messaging her.

HalloweenJack

Don't be fooled OP: he's only upset and sorry because he got caught.

This is horrendous behaviour. Get rid of him and go to the Guards ASAP. It might not be the first time he's tried something like this.

Big Bag of Chips

mahamageehad wrote: »

Just playing devils advocate here- screenshots are no proof and could easily have been tampered with or edited by the BF as a revenge thing.

Except for he admitted it..

hzfc wrote: »

Eventually he owned up

OP, I've reread your post and to be honest I find it really disturbing. The child barely gets a mention. Honestly, your 38 year old boyfriend is arranging with a 14 year old girl, for her to meet him after school and have sex with her. And your main concerns seem to be that he looks up escorts and 'gets off on them', you don't mind porn but you're not sure if looking up escorts is crossing a line when he has the internet full of porn available to him??? What about arranging to have sex with a 14 year old? Is that not enough 'crossing a line'?? Seriously, OP, reread your post. A 14 year old child gets a brief mention and the rest is all about how great he is, and how great the sex is. And how you don't know if you should trust him.

The fact that you know her boyfriend, makes me wonder what age you are, OP. Are you much younger than him?

Please, OP, please. You haven't done anything wrong, yet. Please go to the guards with what you know. If you can't bring yourself to do that then please contact her parents.

Please.

BetsyEllen

Oh my God, I can't believe this is even a thread.

You're seriously questioning what you should do here?

It's verging on unbelievable that you are still with him - OP, obviously you need to leave but you also need to talk to someone about this - a professional - because you must not be in the right frame of mind if you're honestly considering your options here.

Neyite

He also said he is planning to go to counselling or a sex therapist next week and that maybe I could join him.

Why? Are you attracted to children too?

Do you see what he is doing here with this statement? This is implicating YOU in his grooming of a child. Why else would you go for joint counselling to a sex therapist when HE is the one with the problem? You have no problems in your sex life. You said so.

He's not even going to go to a therapist. Don't kid yourself please -that was to try to convince you he has a problem that you both need to work on, but you don't. That's to make you think he's not a predator. He's not got a notion of telling a sex therapist he was messaging a child for sex. Because he knows that if he did, the therapist would be professionally obligated to notify the Gardai and Tusla. And with you sitting right beside him on the therapists sofa, you will be as suspect as him and you'll have to be investigated to see if there is any evidence of you grooming the child on his behalf. You could get arrested alongside him. Is this what you want?
Have a long hard think about what an arrest and questioning by Gardai will do to your life.

If it gets out that you knew and said or did nothing, people will assume you were in on it even if the Gardai don't prosecute you. Your house getting egged would be the very least of your worries. Maxine Carr is living under a new name in constant fear of reprisals in the UK because she foolishly believed her partner when he said he did nothing to two girls and alibied for him to police. Don't cover for him.

The only way out of this now for you is to blow the whistle on him asap. That girl will show her friends the messages, her boyfriend already saw them, he'll tell his friends about the perv messaging his girlfriend. Screen shots will be sent or uploaded to FB, other girls will be told to stay away from your boyfriend. Too many people know about this for you to think you can keep it a secret. All it will take is for one slightly maturer child to tell their parent about it and it will be the Gardai at his door. And yours.

He's really upset about what he did.

No. He's upset because he got caught and is in deep sh!t. Big difference.

ahnow

Child protection laws have changed in recent years and you are now by law legally obliged to contact the gardaí about this.
If you were to go to counselling with him about this-which I assume he is just saying to placate you-the counsellor would be obliged to contact the gardaí.
I'm surprised that you have not thought about the child in all of this and the fact that she needs to be protected, and other children like her. This is not his first time and wont be the last.

You need to report this man.

JillyQ

Op you need to go to the gardai about this immediately. Your first priority should be the protection of the child in this case not the protection of your boyfriend. Him saying he is going to go for counselling is only his way of trying to protect himself.

ladygirl

Again just repeating what everyone else has said.

1. Go to the Guards and report this
2. Dump him - Why you are even contemplating staying with him is beyond me!!!

ahnow

ahnow wrote: »

Child protection laws have changed in recent years and you are now by law legally obliged to contact the gardaí about this.
If you were to go to counselling with him about this-which I assume he is just saying to placate you-the counsellor would be obliged to contact the gardaí.
I'm surprised that you have not thought about the child in all of this and the fact that she needs to be protected, and other children like her. This is not his first time and wont be the last.

You need to report this man.

Even if laws didn't change, which I didn't realize, then the OP would still have an obligation to report the OP, in my opinion. We realistically don't know how many other children he was grooming, just that we know of this one because he got caught.

I personally couldn't live with myself if I didn't.

I would also query whether boards has a legal responsibility to report this on the OP's behalf, given that a crime has been committed and is being discussed. I'll report this post, among other queries, to the mods.

Dial Hard

I'm not sure any crime was actually committed.

There's a lot of blame and pressure being placed on the OP here for her boyfriend's actions.

She's understandably in shock and trying to figure out what to do. I'm not sure admonishment and dire warnings that she could be seen as complicit are going to help.

ahnow

Dial Hard wrote: »

What crime has been committed?

Grooming a child

taylor3

Sounds like a right prince charming. A liar and a manipulating so and so me thinks. No way would i trust him in a relationship. Run quick. Agree with most of the other comments that have posed here.

Bambi985

That poor 14 year old. She could be scarred for life in her later years because of your boyfriend's behaviour and she needs to be protected as a matter of priority. What she did or said is of absolutely no relevance whatsoever - she is a child and the law has deemed her too young to consent to any sexual activity BECAUSE SHE IS A CHILD.

Under what circumstances did your boyfriend come into contact with her? What sort of a 38 year old man happens across a 14 year old girl - and then begins to groome her and accost her for sex? This man is trouble for you in every way possible- emotionally, mentally and legally. He is a criminal and potentially a paedophile. He is an out and out creep and no self-respecting woman would touch him with a 40-foot barge pole. It's probably why he was single until recently, because no woman his own age would give him the time of day.

ash23

Dial Hard wrote: »

I'm not sure any crime was actually committed.

There's a lot of blame and pressure being placed on the OP here for her boyfriend's actions.

She's understandably in shock and trying to figure out what to do. I'm not sure admonishment and dire warnings that she could be seen as complicit are going to help.

If someone has sex with a child who is underage, they are guilty of statutory rape even if they thought the child was older. If he has pictures of her on his phone or laptop in a state of undress (quite possible given the nature of the texts OP has seen) he is in possession of child pornography.

Now he didn't have sex with her because he was caught rotten but maybe there are other underage girls he has slept with, perhaps he has child porn, perhaps he knew her age and was aware she was underage and was grooming her and will have sex with her in the future.

And maybe he's as clean as a whistle in which case he won't be prosecuted for anything.

Sure, it'll be unpleasant for him to be investigated but it'll teach him a lesson in trying to hook up with girls who have told him they're still in school.
On the other hand it might also protect vulnerable young girls from being preyed on by older men. Personally for me, protecting children outweighs the risk of reporting someone (based on the info the OP has) and them being innocent of any crime.

Dial Hard

Dial Hard wrote: »

I'm not sure any crime was actually committed.

There's a lot of blame and pressure being placed on the OP here for her boyfriend's actions.

She's understandably in shock and trying to figure out what to do. I'm not sure admonishment and dire warnings that she could be seen as complicit are going to help.

I don't think anyone is blaming the OP. What we are stating is that she has a legal and moral obligation to inform the Gardaí of her discovery and that it is in her best interest to do so.

Regarding the legality of it, I don't know if this law was passed, but I know an article in 2015 mentioned that a new law was being brought before the Dáil that stated that anyone found guilty of grooming a child could face 14 years in jail.

Anyone convicted of grooming a child for sexual exploitation could soon be facing up to 14 years in jail.

A new bill comes before the Dáil today which would add the explicit offence to our statutes.

If passed by both houses of the Oireachtas, the crime would include making contact with a youngster online to encourage sexual activity.

Also..

"Can you go to jail for grooming a child?" and "what is the age of consent in Ireland?" probably aren't the kind of search records I want anyone discovering out of context

:pac:

DonnaDarko09

hzfc wrote: »

This is my first time using a forum, but I'm pretty distraught and would appreciate any advice.

Two days ago I caught my new boyfriend who is 38 planning on meeting up with a 17 year old girl for sex. I know the girls boyfriend, he caught her chatting to my boyfriend then screenshotted me the whole conversation they had. I was immediately heartbroken and disgusted. She wanted to meet him after school, he said yes and that he wanted sex and then sent her his address. This all happened on Instagram private messenger.

When I saw the conversation I felt sick, I didn't sleep that night. I called straight to his house the next morning to confront him. Eventually he owned up and said he was sorry and that he blocked her on Instagram that night because he didnt want to go through with it.

I found out that the girl is actually 14 not 17 (he didnt know that). She looks so young though and he's old enough to be her dad!

We tried to talk it out and I stayed with him that night. The next morning I felt so angry with what he had done that I searched his internet history. I found that he was looking up Escorts in his area, everyday for as far back as I could search. When I confronted him about it he said that he doesnt use the escorts, he just 'gets off' on them and then watches porn. I have no problem with porn, but I think looking at escorts is different. I mean, why would you look at escorts to get off when you have a whole web of porn available?

I dont know whether to trust him or not. We are in the early stages of the relationship and everything was going great. The sex was great, everything was great. I trusted him so much but I feel like he has crossed the line.

He's otherwise so sweet and caring to me and makes me happy. Although he does shy away from public displays of affection ie, holding hands and stuff. But he says he cares about me and loves me and that he wanted us to have a future together!

He also said he is planning to go to counselling or a sex therapist next week and that maybe I could join him. He's really upset about what he did.

Sorry for rambling. My heads all over the place.

If anyone has any advice on what I should do, I would really appreciate.

Hi OP, how was there initial contact between your boyfriend and the child? Did he meet her previously with her boyfriend and your friend and then track her down on Instagram? This is a strange way to communicate I would have thought? Or did she approach him? I don't understand the connection here.

Regardless i don't envy your position right now but I really think You may need to report this.

Wesser

I'm. Sorry op but I don't even. Understand why you could even be thinking of yourself when there is 14 year old child involved. Jesus Christ.