Has social anxiety ruined my life or is my perspective all wrong?

LegacyUser

There's no way to write this post and make it short, so I thank anyone in advance who takes the time to read it.

I suffer from social anxiety, and I feel like it has stripped me of my youth. Those years that are meant to be the best years of my life. I just can't let the past regrets go, and the anxiety continues to affect me in so many ways.

I've always been shy, but social anxiety became a big issue when I left secondary school. I invariably had friends in school, although outside of school I wasn't the most sociable person in the world. In university though, I had to start from scratch again.

I had to go to lectures with people I didn't know, and I couldn't get past the shyness. I was also in a serious relationship (my first one), and I devoted too much energy to that as opposed to putting myself out there and beating anxiety. One of my close friends from school was in the same college as me, and I often met up with him, but my time there was still spent mostly alone.

I made a couple of friends in 4th year of college after my relationship ended, and I went to America on a J1 with them. But I returned home after just 2 months because I couldn't handle the forced extroversion required to work there.

I then travelled around southeast Asia on my own. I made some acquaintances along the way, including a French guy I travelled the length of Laos with. I returned home and found a job related to my degree.

The job went well for the first few months. I wasn't mr.extroverted, but I got on with the majority of my colleagues and went on many nights out for after-work pints with them. But the shyness crept back in. It started with being afraid to talk to my boss. Then, I'd blush anytime my boss approached me to chat in front of other colleagues. Panic attacks set in any time I had to attend meetings, even though I wasn't required to contribute. Panic then set in when I was just sitting in the office on a normal day, for fear that a more extroverted colleague would approach me to talk about something and I'd blush.

This culminated in me not attempting to stay on with that company further (the original contract was just for a year.) I hated the work itself, but it paid really well. I decided instead to go to Australia, because running away apparently solves problems, or so I thought (it doesn't).

I was in Oz for a few months, staying in a backpacker hostel that was pretty much a nightmare for a shy person like me. One to one interactions were difficult to come by, although I made friends with one German guy there. Dinners involved groups of 30+ people sitting around a table. I couldn't hack it. The loneliness got too much, and I fecked off home.

Since then, I've worked online doing a bit of freelance writing. I've always liked to write, but I can't help but feel like my social anxiety has forced me into choosing this career path because it doesn't involve people or being in an office environment. I don't have any social outlet anymore besides my friend from school, who I'd see twice or three times each month for drinks. I find it quite sad that I don't even have the option of going for a game of five-a-side football once a week because I simply don't have enough friends.

I travel abroad often because I fell in love with Asia when I was there and the freelance work helps pay my way. Travel makes me happy, and in some ways, less lonely. But whenever I'm there, I could go weeks without talking to anyone except my girlfriend (who is Asian).

I just can't get over the feeling that I've achieved nothing and made a balls of every decent opportunity in my life. I've only slept with two women and been in two relationships, and as a 26-year-old, I feel way behind my peers in that department. I don't have any social outlet that doesn't involve alcohol. I earn just enough to fund a lifestyle that allows me to travel, but I still live at home with my parents because I wouldn't be able to hack the loneliness of living alone (I pay rent plus a few bills). I love football but I've nobody to play it with.

I mean, reading over the above, hasn't social anxiety ruined everything for me? Or is my perspective on my own life a bit iffy? People always tell me I'm so brave to travel alone, and they don't even know that I'm socially anxious. I just feel like there's nobody else out there who'd struggle to find a few people to play football with or just hang out with. Most people have their **** sorted by 26, and yet I'm still dealing with this.

Thanks so much for any advice. I've done a bit of the CBT stuff but it has been of limited help. I understand why I get anxious around people in certain situations, and that my social anxiety is almost enitrely situational. But that doesn't eliminate the flight/fight response. That doesn't help me feel less lonely in life.

zoobizoo

"I mean, reading over the above, hasn't social anxiety ruined everything for me? Or is my perspective on my own life a bit iffy? People always tell me I'm so brave to travel alone, and they don't even know that I'm socially anxious. I just feel like there's nobody else out there who'd struggle to find a few people to play football with or just hang out with. Most people have their **** sorted by 26, and yet I'm still dealing with this."


Social anxiety has given you the opportunity to travel and see parts of the world and do things that other people, without social anxiety, would never do .....

Okay, so that's one way to look at it. (I have done the exact thing as you - left a job, travelled and came back at 26)


You are judging yourself against others (the number of women you've slept with, people being sorted at 26) and that's where some proper counselling could come in helpful for you. Emotional Focussed Therapy to get to the root of your self judgement and your lack of self compassion.


As for football - go looking for a place to play - sports halls, online forums, boards... the lads I know who play football wouldn't necessarily play with their friends, they play with other people looking to play football too. That may or may not develop into friendship.



I often recommend The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. David Burns. Some CBT stuff in it, but also gives you a new perspective on things.

LegacyUser

This is quite common to varying degrees. You have overcome your social anxiety in the past , going travelling alone is an example. So what if you felt lonely and left early, you did it. You had amazing experiences. Many wouldn't have the guts to that in the first place. You threw yourself into the social scene at work initially. Look, you're an introvert, there is nothing wrong with that. It can be tiring trying to put yourself out there but you need to even 30%. As for having life sorted at 26, that's a joke, perhaps a few do. But even some of them are questioning their jobs, relationships etc behind closed doors. You have guts, be proud ! Yes, you have challenges to overcome but you are seeking the best way forward which is progress in itself. Join a sports club, give yourself a goal daily, even if approaching someone in work to say hi how was your weekend. This will make you more comfortable around people and make daily life easier in the long run. Good luck

ruahead

This is quite common to varying degrees. You have overcome your social anxiety in the past, going travelling alone is an example. So what if you felt lonely and left early, you did it. You had amazing experiences. Many wouldn't have the guts to that in the first place. You threw yourself into the social scene at work initially. Look, you're an introvert, accept it, there is nothing wrong with that. Yes you suffer social anxiety it is a cross you have to bear but you can work on it. Try mindfulness techniques to put everything in perspective. It may be the thoughts of something happening that stirs this up, you need to relax, change perspective, it's not about you when your boss comes to you, it's about the work. You are thinking "oh I'm gonna blush, he's staring, people will look", shift focus listen to what they say, think of them, how they are.. I know this sounds silly but when you are socially anxious you think about you all the time, you are too conscious of yourself. I do this sometimes and shift focus and am OK. Maybe it's just me but that's my take on it.
It can be tiring trying to put yourself out there but you need to even 30%. As for having life sorted at 26, that's a joke, perhaps a few do. But even some of them are questioning their jobs, relationships etc behind closed doors. You have guts, be proud ! Perhaps look for work in a smaller (office) environment, where less people work and once you get to know the team it will be easier. Yes, you have challenges to overcome but you are seeking the best way forward which is progress in itself. Join a sports club, give yourself a goal daily, even if approaching someone in new job/ work to say hi how was your weekend. This will make you more comfortable around people and make daily life easier in the long run. Good luck

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for the two replies so far, they were really helpful. I didn't expect much considering the length of my post so I'm pleasantly surprised.

I guess I just feel cut off from normal society, which amplifies my loneliness. The average 26-year-old guy has gone on lots of dates. He is part of several WhatsApp groups and chats to different friend groups all day on them. He's probably on Snapchat too and sends many back and forth pictures in friend groups. He holds a stable office job, and while he may or may not like the work, he still gets to practice his social skills each day.

I like to write, and in some ways, it's more rewarding than my previous job, but it still doesn't pay enough, and I don't get to talk to people when I write from home.

I'm not expecting to be anything special and to live this amazing social life. After all, I am definitely an introvert. I like alone time, but there's a limit to it. Most introverts have social outlets. They can do things that involve other people without needing to get drunk.

That's where I fall down. I am not like the average guy. I don't have WhatsApp groups or tonnes of people who like my statuses on Facebook or even care what I say. Being cut off from society like that is incredibly lonely.

Bix Nood

You have social anxiety but you've slept with two girls?

You don't have social anxiety.

windy shepard henderson

Bix Nood wrote: »

You have social anxiety but you've slept with two girls?

You don't have social anxiety.

yes you do , example of a famous person would be geroge best , everone saw him as an alcoholic playboy , the guy hated fame quit the game in his prime had all the women in the world after him ...it never mattered he couldnt cope with the social anxiety it brought with it

standing in a Que in a shop , having people listing in on your conversation , afraid you might say the wrong thing , afraid to talk to a stranger , in his case it was easier to get drunk first it cost him his career , his liver and his life suffered as a result , it can happen anyone regardless of your lifestyle its torture at times

zoobizoo

There seem to be two issues at play.

1) you're concern with this idea of the 'average guy'. Think of the jock in your school who was out pulling, might shag a girl every few weeks (according to him) and has loads of 'friends'. Now think of the quiet lad, not the best looking, has may not kissed a girl, might never..... You fall in between which is normal. That said, stop comparing yourself to others.

You think you know what the average 26 year old guy goes on lots of dates - this really isn't the case. Some do, some don't. There will be prolific daters but the majority are not going on dates.

Stop being concerned with WhatsApp and FB.

2) Social isolation. Go talk to people. Go for a coffee, chat to the barista ("what really is the difference between a latte and a cappuccino?". Say something irrelevant to the guy reading the paper ("any news?"). Go get a haircut, talk football with the barber. Go to a League of Ireland game, chat to the auld lad standing beside you.

Not only will it get you out there, it will give you ideas to write about. When you become curious about people, you stop thinking about yourself so much.


As for work, you seem to think that Mr Average works in an office...

BTW, I made more friends in my 30s than in my 20s because as I grew up, I became more comfortable with me, stopped worrying so much about trying to be Mr. Average and started being more like the real me.

LegacyUser

You seem to have dreamed up a picture of what the average guy is doing and an age by which he doing it, but it's total wrong and an oddly specific way to look at other people, deciding that this is how they live their lives without really knowing anything about them. I can absolutely say that the average 26 year old doesn't exist. At 26 some are married, some are single, some are working, some are not, some are sorted, some never will be and blah blah and so on. There is no sense at all in comparing yourself to other people and deciding they're sorted and you're not, you are not going in the same direction as they are, you're making your own journey. Decide to enjoy your journey, decide the route too if you need to, take inspiration or warning from the path others take, but don't take anyone else's journey.

stateofflux

What some posters here are saying here about 'talk to everyone' is good advice.

I had this Social anxiety you speak of. its a mind poison stemming from insecurity & fear. The Only way to face it is head on. Talk to everyone, all the time, make it a mission and force through the fear and anxiety.

YOU have to keep doing cold introductions with everyone though until it becomes natural. and most importantly DO NOT compare yourself to other people . The quest is YOUR personal happiness. DO IT NOW. no regrets.

you are also very young so stop panicking.

JuliusCaesar

There's Social Anxiety Ireland, I don't know if you've come across them? http://socialanxietyireland.com/

They have an online discussion forum there that might be helpful.