Socialising at Work

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I'm curious about opinions on socialising in the workplace.

I started a new job about a year ago and love it. Love the work, the benefits are good and I really respect the company and its goals.

My colleagues are all really nice,, but I really have no interest in going for lunch or coffee breaks with them throughout the day. I've been on the odd formal work socialing event, and it's been fun. I also don't mind a bit of small talk and chatting about the weekend etc. But the day to day coffee and lunch breaks, i really just don't want to engage with.

I'm a real introvert and I find spending my lunch hour in the company of others quite draining - even if,as I say, my colleagues are quite nice. I really just want to get to work, put my head down and get the work done - while of course having the odd chat or two. I just find that these coffee breaks turn into half hours or 45 minutes away from the desk, then stress builds as I catch up on work and I end up staying late, which takes away from spending time doing things I really want to do.The canteen at lunch more often than not descends into a shouting match as people compete for space and volume to all chat to each other, and I find it frankly exhausting.

I have lots of great things going on outside of work and so I want to leave work on time and have energy to do the things I really want to do with the people I really want to see (partner and close friends). I'm sure any other introverts on here can attest to how exhausting it can be when you don't have your space throughout the day.

I guess my question is, is there anything wrong with my attitude? How would most people perceive a colleague (i.e: me ) who always tries to be pleasant and polite and willing to chat when you bump into them but who also very often declines the coffee/lunch break/work drink invites?

I know management are pleased with my performance on a professional level but I guess I'm concerned, to an extent, with how I may be perceived socially among my peers.

Curious for insight.

Thanks.

Glenster

I guess my question is, is there anything wrong with my attitude?

I would say no.

I have my lunch at my desk and refuse the twice daily trips to the canteen for a coffee that turn into 20 minutes a pop. And I've known a few people who are the same.

I've gotten attitude over it a few times, but never anything serious.

I can't answer whether some people take it personally or not, I'm sure some do. But it's not so unusual an attitude to have that it would cause serious problems, I think.

ytpe2r5bxkn0c1

I'd always recommend some interaction with team members over coffee or lunch. As a former manager, I was as interested in a person's interaction with the others in the unit and seeing them as part of a sound group as I was their performance. An odd break with colleagues won't do you any harm and only good. If the break drags on, just make your excuses and go back to work.

Wanderer2010

OP, there are too many workplaces out there for there to be any kind of social norm to compare with. Some places actually prefer people to mix in with their workmates at every opportunity, even if they aren't great workers. In other words, you could be very slow at your work or take a lot of sick days but, because you play in the local soccer team or you make the cakes for leaving dos etc, you are viewed more favourably that the introvert who reads a book at lunch hour or skips the Christmas party.
I know its not fair and it was something that fired me up during my idealistic first few years of work but then you reach a stage where you don't put much stock in your workmates opinion, you cant please everyone. Some may view you as odd or aloof, others may accept it, and everyone in between probably aren't even thinking of you! As long as you do your work and you are pleasant to your workmates and enjoy your life outside of work. If it gets too much and you are being asked to a lot of social events or feel pressure for them, maybe look for another job where socializing isn't the norm.
Remember to be satisfied in your own opinions though:

"Do as you please.....for you will be criticised anyway..."

davo10

Op, as an employer of both sexes and ages that range from early 50's to early 20's, it would be ideal if all employees were all friends but that just doesn't happen. They are all at different stages of life and though some have interests in common, the only things they all have in common is that they work in the same place and must all work together.

It certainly makes for a nicer working environment if employees occasionally socialise and share some downtime. Quarterly I organise social outings, dinner after work on a Friday night with a free bar, day at the races all expenses paid etc. Unless there is a good reason for non attendance, I expect everyone to attend. I have found it is a great way for staff to blow off steam and by getting to know their colleagues a little better outside work, there is better understanding between them and more willingness to accept that everyone has off days. After starting these social events around 5 years ago I found that staff issues and conflicts have decreased significantly.

You don't have to share your personal life with your colleagues but it does help to get to know them a little. They will be more inclined to help you if you need help in future.

WoolyJumper

Yeah it really depends on your work place and what you want from your job. I worked for a company before that favoured extroverts and people who took part in the "culture" of the company. IE going on nights out and joining clubs etc. They even said to a colleague who applied for another position within the company that he wasn't out going enough and he didn't get the job. Personally I had no interest in joining the decorating committee or any other committee for that matter. I had no intention of staying/progressing in the company however.

Recently I went through an interview process with another company and you could tell by the way the interview process was structured they were looking for outgoing, extroverted people. That is not me and needless to say I didn't get the job. A few others got hired that had much less experience than me but were much more outgoing. It seems to be growing part of corporate culture these days.

There is nothing wrong with being an introvert and it's no reflection of your work but if you are part of a company that values participation and being social then you might have to make more of an effort with your colleagues and show your face at the odd party....if you want to progress that is. Otherwise your doing fine. It's no harm to have one or two friends at work though to get you though the day, especially if your job is miserable.

GalwayGrrrrrl

I feel the same as you OP, I find socialising very stressful and would prefer to go for a walk in lunchbreak than chat in a large group.
However I have had some very good opportunities come my way from people I have chatted to at work. E.g. Lecturing work from a contact I met through chatting over tea. I try to mix quiet time with social time as I think a certain amount of socialising can be worthwhile for career progression.

Harry Palmr

Obviously I have no idea about the level of your introvertedness and if you are comfortable with it then it's not a problem as such but it's no harm to interact a bit and lunch is ideal as it's a finite period, it could be good for you and your colleagues and maybe your career.

In my place which is very relaxed as it's not office based the break chitchat is an important team bonding time, we work better together (because we like each other more!).

Wanderer2010

davo10 wrote: »

It certainly makes for a nicer working environment if employees occasionally socialise and share some downtime. Quarterly I organise social outings, dinner after work on a Friday night with a free bar, day at the races all expenses paid etc. Unless there is a good reason for non attendance, I expect everyone to attend.

You don't have to share your personal life with your colleagues but it does help to get to know them a little. They will be more inclined to help you if you need help in future.

What happens if you dont attend? Do you view or treat those employees any differently? Im just curious because saying you expect people to attend an event outside working hours puts pressure on people.

davo10

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

What happens if you dont attend? Do you view or treat those employees any differently? Im just curious because saying you expect people to attend an event outside working hours puts pressure on people.

Believe it or not, I actually knew you would post this. This is a couple of hours 4 days a year.

The social outings benefit the employees every bit if not more than it benefits me, they get to know each other better together and as a result we have a better working environment. I ask and expect them to attend, but I do not demand. My staff have been with me for a long time but over the years I have certainly had to let people go who have not been a "good fit" for the group. Usually I/we spot this very early.

Ursus Horribilis

I don't know enough about you, your job, your career ambitions or your workplace to answer that question definitively. It is something that could come against you though but I think you sense that already. While it's important that everyone in a job is technically competent and can do their jobs properly, it's the soft skills which grease the wheels in a workplace. As other people have suggested, you could try to split the difference. Go along to some of the breaks and then head off back to your desk after a while. If your colleagues are continuing to ask you to come along even though you keep saying no, they can't be that bad a crowd.

Wanderer2010

davo10 wrote: »

Believe it or not, I actually knew you would post this. This is a couple of hours 4 days a year.

The social outings benefit the employees every bit if not more than it benefits me, they get to know each other better together and as a result we have a better working environment. I ask and expect them to attend, but I do not demand. My staff have been with me for a long time but over the years I have certainly had to let people go who have not been a "good fit" for the group. Usually I/we spot this very early.

Thanks for reply, i dont know how you knew i would ask. It was just the way you phrased the outing seemed a bit pushy.

Tom Mann Centuria

I've worked at same place for 14 years, used to go to canteen and try and make small talk, hated it, so now I just go to my car, window down, listen to the birds in trees, much better. I get an actual break that way. I've been doing that for about 12 years and no one I work with minds, we're all different, and frankly, even if they did mind, I wouldn't give a flyer.

davo10

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

Thanks for reply, i dont know how you knew i would ask. It was just the way you phrased the outing seemed a bit pushy.

As I said, after a while you tend to spot things pretty early. How did I know? Intuition.

PREG1967

davo10 wrote: »

Believe it or not, I actually knew you would post this. This is a couple of hours 4 days a year.

The social outings benefit the employees every bit if not more than it benefits me, they get to know each other better together and as a result we have a better working environment. I ask and expect them to attend, but I do not demand. My staff have been with me for a long time but over the years I have certainly had to let people go who have not been a "good fit" for the group. Usually I/we spot this very early.

hate to ever be in your group as you/You sound very overbearing/judgemental!

davo10

PREG1967 wrote: »

hate to ever be in your group as you/You sound very overbearing/judgemental!

Dear God.

Boss organises 4 nights out per year where all staff are wined and dined all expenses paid, in an effort to promote team bonding and improved working environment. And you would hate to be in that group? The mind boggles.

Midnight Sundance

davo10 wrote: »

As I said, after a while you tend to spot things pretty early. How did I know? Intuition.

Do you pay for these outings? If you do then great, it's a lovely gesture of appreciation to your staff. However from a different perspective, I've noticed in my place of work that it's become expected to attend certain dinners throughout the year , even though they are late in evening , in city centre ( I commute) and we've to pay for it all ourselves. I don't go to them all as I'm not paying a hotel just to satisfy my bosses need for us all to socialise outside of work. I'll try make one or two that suit.
I already keep in touch with my workmates that I get on with outside of working hours. I sit with workmates at breakfast lunch and break time which is more than I see most of my friends and family.
I understand why you'd want your staff to get on but I don't think it should be forced. By all means organise the nights out for those interested but don't punish those that might not be the social butterfly everyone else is.

PREG1967

davo10 wrote: »

Dear God.

Boss organises 4 nights out per year where all staff are wined and dined all expenses paid, in an effort to promote team bonding and improved working environment. And you would hate to be in that group? The mind boggles.

Boss organises 4 nights out per year to assess if staff are still a "good fit".

davo10

Midnight Sundance wrote: »

Do you pay for these outings? If you do then great, it's a lovely gesture of appreciation to your staff. However from a different perspective, I've noticed in my place of work that it's become expected to attend certain dinners throughout the year , even though they are late in evening , in city centre ( I commute) and we've to pay for it all ourselves. I don't go to them all as I'm not paying a hotel just to satisfy my bosses need for us all to socialise outside of work. I'll try make one or two that suit.
I already keep in touch with my workmates that I get on with outside of working hours. I sit with workmates at breakfast lunch and break time which is more than I see most of my friends and family.
I understand why you'd want your staff to get on but I don't think it should be forced. By all means organise the nights out for those interested but don't punish those that might not be the social butterfly everyone else is.

Paid in full, including transport. Staff don't put hands in pocket.

davo10

PREG1967 wrote: »

Boss organises 4 nights out per year to assess if staff are still a "good fit".

You've completely missed the point. The good or bad fit is obvious at work, I don't need a night out to tell me that. The social nights are a perk for the staff and a way of improving working relationships by allowing people who would not normally socialise together to talk outside of the workplace.

The benefits of this to our workplace are not anecdotal, they are real, less tension between colleagues, better communication, better understanding of those around them.

If it's a chore for you to spend a couple of hours a year socialising with colleagues, then it would be difficult for you to fit into some work environments where close reliance on colleagues is essential. That's what would be spotted early and you would be job hunting again.

Colser

davo10 wrote: »

Paid in full, including transport. Staff don't put hands in pocket.

Why would you have a problem with someone not wanting to attend those nights?

PREG1967

davo10 wrote: »

You've completely missed the point. The good or bad fit is obvious at work, I don't need a night out to tell me that. The social nights are a perk for the staff and a way of improving working relationships by allowing people who would not normally socialise together to talk outside of the workplace.

The benefits of this to our workplace are not anecdotal, they are real, less tension between colleagues, better communication, better understanding of those around them.

ever let someone go or thought badly about one of your workers because of something youve seen on a social night out?

davo10

PREG1967 wrote: »

ever let someone go or thought badly about one of your workers because of something youve seen on a social night out?

No.

davo10

Colser wrote: »

Why would you have a problem with someone not wanting to attend those nights?

Because if the aim is to build a team ethos and improve working relationships, it helps when staff actually attend. What's the point in spending thousands each year if people don't attend?

PREG1967

davo10 wrote: »

Because if the aim is to build a team ethos and improve working relationships, it helps when staff actually attend. What's the point in spending thousands each year if people don't attend?

We use the STAR team model.

davo10

PREG1967 wrote: »

We use the STAR team model.

How exciting for you.

Colser

davo10 wrote: »

Because if the aim is to build a team ethos and improve working relationships, it helps when staff actually attend. What's the point in spending thousands each year if people don't attend?

If they work well together and they're work is up to standard why judge them on whether they attend those nights or not regardless of the cost?

davo10

Colser wrote: »

If they work well together and they're work is up to standard why judge them on whether they attend those nights or not regardless of the cost?

They are not judged on those nights. They work better together because of those occasional social events. As I already posted, the working environment and relationships have improved since we started having these events. Particularly the relationship between older and younger staff who have nothing in common outside of work and who had previously only communicated on work related matters.

Tigger

Wren Prickly Asphalt wrote: »

I'd always recommend some interaction with team members over coffee or lunch. As a former manager, I was as interested in a person's interaction with the others in the unit and seeing them as part of a sound group as I was their performance. An odd break with colleagues won't do you any harm and only good. If the break drags on, just make your excuses and go back to work.

Your break is seperate to work, shouldn't have management watching how you interact or don't , should be left alone

Stark

davo10 wrote: »

If it's a chore for you to spend a couple of hours a year socialising with colleagues, then it would be difficult for you to fit into some work environments where close reliance on colleagues is essential. That's what would be spotted early and you would be job hunting again.

So basically you're saying that people who have kids/other dependents to look after in the evening would be singled out as "not fitting in"?

davo10

Stark wrote: »

So basically you're saying that people who have kids/other dependents to look after in the evening would be singled out as "not fitting in"?

No, "basically" I am not saying that. I am saying that someone who does not fit into the group dynamic of my workplace will not last. That has absolutely nothing to do with the social events. As the events are quarterly, I can't remember anyone I have let go even making it to the date of one of the events. As stated earlier, these events are not tests, I do not judge anyone on those nights, but I do expect them to attend them. They are organised well in advance and coincidently, I've often been told that they are a great excuse to get out for a night by staff with kids.

I think you are looking for ways to complain about the "unfairness" of this.