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Made a Mess of things

24

Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,070 ✭✭✭gsi300024v


    I'm lost on the how you made a mess of things? Where did you do tat?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    Happy Birthday to you :) I would view this horrible experience as a very valuable lesson and see it as a birthday gift tbh. This guy is a baxturd, most probably married, who doesn't care for you in the slightest. Anybody who did this to another person simply has no respect or regard for them so at least you know this now.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,062 ✭✭✭Dixie Chick


    God, thats is calculated and cruel. I would not be a bit mortified by having a go over text while drunk. Who cares what he thinks of you...he is a horrible person. I hope you are well rid


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11 mf1977


    Thanks again for all the replies and advice. I definitely won't be contacting him again or replying to him if he contacts me which I doubt he will now. I suppose I was blinded by the fact that he seemed so nice and genuine and the things he said to me made me feel so good about myself which I'm not really used to feeling. I probably missed a lot of warning signs that I shouldn't have.

    To answer your questions no I've never been to his home or met any of his family or friends. Regarding his home I just thought it was awkward for him because he shared a house with young lads who worked for him. I thought it wasn't that kind of relationship where I would meet his friends or family because he was straight with me about keeping it casual. So I never asked him about it. I should have realised he was probably keeping me a secret for other reasons.

    After my relationship with my daughters father ended very badly (he was violent and a rapist) I spent most of my twenties and thirties focussed on her. I went back to College and got a new career so I just didn't have any time for men or relationships. I steered well clear of the whole thing. It's only in the last couple of years I've started dating again so I probably didnt learn all I should have about the whole dating /relationship thing and was very naive going in for someone of my age.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,061 ✭✭✭leggo


    To be fair, dating these days can be a minefield for even seasoned daters! You've been through a lot and sound like a really admirable person, I'm sorry this has happened to you, but if you look at how you've bounced back from past adversity, you'll easily bounce back from this a stronger person and this douche will just be a memory.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,070 ✭✭✭gsi300024v


    mf1977 wrote: »
    Thanks again for all the replies and advice. I definitely won't be contacting him again or replying to him if he contacts me which I doubt he will now. I suppose I was blinded by the fact that he seemed so nice and genuine and the things he said to me made me feel so good about myself which I'm not really used to feeling. I probably missed a lot of warning signs that I shouldn't have.

    To answer your questions no I've never been to his home or met any of his family or friends. Regarding his home I just thought it was awkward for him because he shared a house with young lads who worked for him. I thought it wasn't that kind of relationship where I would meet his friends or family because he was straight with me about keeping it casual. So I never asked him about it. I should have realised he was probably keeping me a secret for other reasons.

    After my relationship with my daughters father ended very badly (he was violent and a rapist) I spent most of my twenties and thirties focussed on her. I went back to College and got a new career so I just didn't have any time for men or relationships. I steered well clear of the whole thing. It's only in the last couple of years I've started dating again so I probably didnt learn all I should have about the whole dating /relationship thing and was very naive going in for someone of my age.

    Is there anyone you trust and would take their advice?
    It seems you got far into a not great relationship with a person. Maybe if you'd a good friend who has a good relationship you could say how things were going with them until you learnt a bit more what was normal. Did you parents have a not so great relationship? Often if we don't learn from them we don't learn at all. Have you ever been to counselling? I can't see you valuing yourself if you put up with this? If i never met anyone they new or was at their place i'd smell a rat after a month or two.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,872 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    Not necessarily, gsi300024v. I think we'd all like to say we'd be wise and we'd cop on soon enough, but I'm not so sure many of us would! It's easy to be wise after the event and to start seeing things for what they really were. But I think in your case OP, this was a casual arrangement. He said he didn't want a relationship and at the time you were happy with that too. I certainly wouldn't be expecting to be introduced to family or friends if I was casually seeing someone, and if they told me they lived in a houseshare I wouldn't necessarily want to visit their house and meet all their housemates.

    I think you were duped by a very manipulative man, and that is not necessarily down to your naivety. If you want to take any blame for this you can say you were nice, in that you treat people with respect and don't need to play games with them, and as a result you just expect that other people are the same. Most people are, so you're really not wrong.

    I would much rather be naive and believe the best of everyone, until they prove otherwise, rather than be sceptical and cynical about everyone I meet and have my guard up waiting for them to turn out to be arseholes!

    Don't change who you are. There's no need to. You'll know now to call it a day quicker if someone starts flaking on you or keeping you at arms length when you want something more. But that doesn't mean you have to change the person you are. It just means you've learnt from history that a relationship that isn't smooth sailing from the beginning is not going to become smooth sailing in the future.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,849 ✭✭✭professore


    mf1977 wrote: »
    I think the reason I put up with his excuses was that I felt bad for what he was going through. He genuinely seemed to be having a really bad time in his life. His job was wearing him out. He was running his friends business because his friend couldn't cope.

    The humble brag. I'm so smart to run a business and also so caring. What a load of crap. Very clever though as it also implies he has no money to spend on you.
    mf1977 wrote: »
    He never had any time off or time to himself.

    He's married.
    mf1977 wrote: »
    All the problems came to his door. He had all the stress and problems of owning a business without the perks. He was living in a house share with a load of young lads in a house the friend owned and wasn't happy about that. It all blew up between him and his friend and he lost his job and his home. He ended up broke and homeless. It took a while to get back on his feet and a lot of his friends weren't there for him.

    Assuming this is true, they weren't there for him because he's an asshole. It's not true. Maybe he has a drug problem?
    mf1977 wrote: »
    He told me he loved me in a roundabout way without actually saying it. And he hinted and have me hope that if his life was better we could have been together properly. I was probably a fool for believing him but I take people at face value. It's gotten me in trouble before.

    How do you tell someone you love them in a roundabout way?
    mf1977 wrote: »
    The thing is I deleted his number but last night I was so miserable and wanted answers from him so I found a way to get it back on gmail because my phone is android. That makes it even more pathetic. I dont normally drink much but i think I'll be giving ot a miss for a while if thats the way it affects me. Anyway he knows how I feel now and I can't take it back. So I'll just have to pick myself up and get on with my life without him in it.

    Also I didn't chase after him. He was the one doing all the "chasing". He initiated the whole thing. It was always him who decided when he wanted to meet me and on his terms. I was always so worried about putting pressure on him and looking for things from him that he didn't want to give me I left it to him.

    Now he's decisive and take charge but can only tell you he loves you in a roundabout way? More red flags here than a march in North Korea.

    Time to move on OP. This guy is not worth it. If a guy loves you he tells you and makes your birthday special, or if something comes in the way (e.g. a death in the family) he tells you beforehand and doesn't leave you sitting there. That's what decent guys do. This guy isn't a decent guy.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11 mf1977


    gsi300024v wrote: »
    Did you parents have a not so great relationship? Often if we don't learn from them we don't learn at all. Have you ever been to counselling?

    My parents relationship was good - they're still together. I've been to counselling before, but it was child abuse counselling (it was someone outside my family). As you can guess life hasn't always been great for me and as an adult I haven't made the best choices regarding men - a violent rapist who is my child's father and only one other relationship before this current car crash that was a year long headmelt which my counsellor was more interested in focussing on than the rape or child abuse.
    professore wrote: »

    How do you tell someone you love them in a roundabout way?

    "I've waited a long time for love like this to come along and now it comes when my life is too f**ked up to do anything about it."

    Don't change who you are. There's no need to. You'll know now to call it a day quicker if someone starts flaking on you or keeping you at arms length when you want something more. But that doesn't mean you have to change the person you are. It just means you've learnt from history that a relationship that isn't smooth sailing from the beginning is not going to become smooth sailing in the future.

    Thanks I'll keep that in mind. In the beginning I was happy for it to be casual, but as time wore on I wanted more. I think deep down I'm not really suited to a casual relationship or friends with benefits set up.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,872 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    mf1977 wrote: »
    I think deep down I'm not really suited to a casual relationship or friends with benefits set up.

    Well then that's something positive that has come from this. You now have a better idea of what you're looking for, so will be more selective in trying to find it. Don't be too hard on yourself. The most savvy and clued in people can get conned by someone manipulative enough. You believed everything he told you because.. why wouldn't you? You're honest, so you assume everyone else is. And luckily most people are.

    You have obviously been through a lot, and you are working through it, and whether you realise it or not, you are getting stronger, and you're figuring out what is and isn't acceptable to you now. That's the whole purpose of counselling.

    I know this stings, but honestly, all I can see from it are positives. And if you look at it from a different angle you will see positives too.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 480 ✭✭MintyMagnum


    Thanks for the replies. I can't seem to get the quote thingy to work. But the reason I put up with it was because I always felt bad for him with the excuses he made. He seemed to be genuinely having a really bad time in his life. His work was taking a lot out of him. He was running his friends business for him because the friend couldn't cope and all the problems were coming to him. He had no time off and all of the problems of owning a business and none of the perks of being the owner. He was living in a house share with a group of lads in a house his friend owned. It all blew up and he lost his job and his home and ended up broke and homeless and it took a while to get back on his feet.

    He kind of told me he loved me in a way that he didn't really say it outright but he also hinted that if everything in his life worked out better we could have been together properly. Maybe I was a fool for believing him but I tend to take people at face value. It's gotten me in trouble before.

    I actually did delete his number but after a few drinks I was feeling miserable and wanted answers from him so found a way to get it back through gmail which makes it worse and more pathetic. I ended up saying way more than I meant to. I don't normally drink much. So probably a good idea to lay off it for a while if that's the effect it has on me. Anyway he knows now so no taking it back. I'll just have to try and get on with it and try to put him behind me

    Judge people by their actions & not their words is the advice I'd give u. I just have to remember to apply it to my own life!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11 mf1977


    Well then that's something positive that has come from this. You now have a better idea of what you're looking for, so will be more selective in trying to find it. Don't be too hard on yourself. The most savvy and clued in people can get conned by someone manipulative enough. You believed everything he told you because.. why wouldn't you? You're honest, so you assume everyone else is. And luckily most people are.

    I've always thought that the majority of people were decent and honest. It's just it seems my radar or whatever you call it to recognise the few who aren't is broken. Like my last (only real other) relationship before this. He promised me everything - marriage, family the works. We were supposed to get engaged on his birthday. But he played games with my head. Like when I was in hospital with depression after a suicide attempt he would text saying he didnt know if he wanted to be together, then give out to me until he had me in tears for hurting him and not fighting for him when I said it was ok if he wanted to break up. He ended up really breaking my heart and had a way of doing it that it seemed like it was my fault. I recently found out he got into a relationship with another woman while I was in hospital and continued seeing her for the rest of the time we were together. They're still together.

    Im so tired of it. I seem to have a magnet for men who are bad news. Ever since I was 5 years old and that old pervert put his eye on me. This latest one I think is just the last straw. I see my parents and my siblings in happy loving healthy relationships and just wonder why I keep getting it so wrong.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,849 ✭✭✭professore


    mf1977 wrote: »
    I've always thought that the majority of people were decent and honest. It's just it seems my radar or whatever you call it to recognise the few who aren't is broken. Like my last (only real other) relationship before this. He promised me everything - marriage, family the works. We were supposed to get engaged on his birthday. But he played games with my head. Like when I was in hospital with depression after a suicide attempt he would text saying he didnt know if he wanted to be together, then give out to me until he had me in tears for hurting him and not fighting for him when I said it was ok if he wanted to break up. He ended up really breaking my heart and had a way of doing it that it seemed like it was my fault. I recently found out he got into a relationship with another woman while I was in hospital and continued seeing her for the rest of the time we were together. They're still together.

    Im so tired of it. I seem to have a magnet for men who are bad news. Ever since I was 5 years old and that old pervert put his eye on me. This latest one I think is just the last straw. I see my parents and my siblings in happy loving healthy relationships and just wonder why I keep getting it so wrong.

    Maybe try a more casual approach? Go out with a few guys just for the fun of it with no expectations? Try out some that are not your "type" as maybe your "type" is really unsuitable for you? Get to know what YOU want from a relationship.

    As I read it you've only had two real relationships in your life, both really serious. If you are buying shoes, do you buy the first pair you try on, even though they are a bit tight and match nothing you have? No, you try on several pairs - and don't get upset when some of them don't suit you. Dating is the same.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,734 ✭✭✭seenitall


    Hi OP,

    I'm in my forties, with a young child, whose dad was abusive (to be fair, I always gave as good as I got, but that's not the point here - it was a highly toxic relationship). In order to choose someone like that to father my child - well, you know what follows here, I had a lonely and abusive childhood growing up under the boot of a narcissistic parent. When you grow up with a trauma of some kind, you grow up to seek out and replicate that kind of trauma for yourself again. Why? Because it is familiar. So I ended up with a self-centred manipulator for a husband.

    After that, I went into counselling/therapy. For years. And I was still making mistakes, for years. My last ex was yet another variation on the old theme.

    At one point I told both my brother and a friend: this is it, I am SO done, I am donner than done, no more men for me, it just doesn't work. And I meant it! I had come to a point where I was truly ok with eternal singledom, knowing that I would be fine and even thrive with it, although I wasn't exactly deliriously happy about it.

    Two weeks later, by chance, I met my OH, who I feel is probably the love of my life :) Kind, considerate, respectful, sweet, handsome, silly, funny, smart and caring, so caring. And I feel so lucky now. I am being treated better that I had ever been in my life, it still feels a bit strange and the adjustment to the normal, healthy kind of partnership is still ongoing.

    This is my point: getting counselling is good, probably even vital for people like us. We need to rehash the past and its consequences until we are bored with the sound of our own voices. It took me years to work out all the anger, all the fears, all the pain. And I am not sure that I am quite done yet, or that I will ever be quite done with that process. Somewhere, however, gradually and imperceptibly within that process, something happens where we start to heal and mend and feel better and better about ourselves and our futures. And that translates into starting to make better choices for ourselves, and into feeling good about not making any choices either, about just staying put and happy to stay single, as well.

    Well, what happened to me next is that this loving, giving man came along and I found myself madly attracted to him and grabbed him before the poor man had a chance to utter his phone number :)

    There are lots of lovely men out there, I can now see they are practically everywhere I look, but I had to come into the frame of mind to be able to see it and appreciate it, and the road to that moment was very long, lonely and arduous. But it had to be done. We who have been damaged in the past have to do this work to get to love and happiness, much more than other people. It is not right or fair, but that's the way it is.

    Keep up with the Counselling, OP, and if you notice it is not working, change the counsellor. I changed a few of them over the years.

    One day this work on yourself will pay off and everything will fall into place in one way or another. It is true, what they say, though: You have to be happy with yourself, and with being single, first.

    Best wishes! :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 25,947 ✭✭✭✭Neyite


    I'd also endorse what Seenitall has said, my own experience would be a milder version of hers and the outcome pretty identical. We are drawn to the familiar more than we realise. And if our 'familiar' is out of kilter then so too are our choices that we base on them.

    That's not to say you are making a mess or making mistakes - I believe that often the mistakes we make can be healthy learning or growing experiences for us. This is a learning curve for you - that's a good thing. The next time you have a few dates with a guy who seems a bit...off- you'll spot it and move on before you become emotionally involved. You'll spot the married one a mile off. Dating is a numbers game, and you'll meet all sorts of people who are nice and not so nice that you might have zero chemistry with and these experiences will stand to you. Google Relationship Red Flags - there is no absolute or definite list and not all will apply to your dates but there are lots of early warning signs that the person you are getting to know is a wrong 'un for you.

    I dated someone years ago that in hindsight had to have been married or in a serious relationship. But it was only noticeable after about 6 months. Some of these players are really expert level. Mine even fooled my highly cynical and suspicious best friend who normally had freaky levels of perceptiveness. So this is not your fault. It's his. Wholly and entirely.

    I think you need to pat yourself on the back here. You got you and your child out of a relationship that was highly abusive - that takes strength and guts. You are going to therapy and working on you - that takes courage and determination. You are putting yourself back out there dating despite your previous experiences. That shows that you are a nice person and see the best in people (even if sometimes that is wasted on someone undeserving) - it's a lovely quality to have. So stop being so hard on yourself :)


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11 mf1977


    professore wrote: »
    Maybe try a more casual approach? Go out with a few guys just for the fun of it with no expectations? Try out some that are not your "type" as maybe your "type" is really unsuitable for you? Get to know what YOU want from a relationship.

    Thanks. I might try and give that a go when I feel a bit more up to it.
    professore wrote: »
    As I read it you've only had two real relationships in your life, both really serious.

    Yes that's true. I met my daughter's father when I was 24 and had her and left him when I was 25. After him there was no one until 3 years ago so that's about 12 years. He put me off for a while! I've never really had a relationship where there was much fun. They were all fairly tough going and ended up being a lot of hard work so I think that's something I missed out on.

    seenitall wrote: »
    When you grow up with a trauma of some kind, you grow up to seek out and replicate that kind of trauma for yourself again. Why? Because it is familiar. So I ended up with a self-centred manipulator for a husband.

    My counsellor told me that because the abuse happened when I was so young I wasn't able to process it properly. Because he was a pillar of the community type and therefore "good" I subconsciously assumed that it was me that was bad and was wrong. That the things he did to me were somehow down to me. So in my heart I don't think I really deserve any better treatment than I get. When my boyfriend raped me I basically didn't expect any better. It took me 12 years to tell anyone it had happened. I blamed myself. I think I still do to sone extent . I thought I was moving past that. Looks like I still have more work to do because I still seem to be accepting people treating me like crap. Thanks for sharing your story and I'm glad it worked out for you in the end!
    Neyite wrote: »
    That's not to say you are making a mess or making mistakes - I believe that often the mistakes we make can be healthy learning or growing experiences for us. This is a learning curve for you - that's a good thing. The next time you have a few dates with a guy who seems a bit...off- you'll spot it and move on before you become emotionally involved. You'll spot the married one a mile off. Dating is a numbers game, and you'll meet all sorts of people who are nice and not so nice that you might have zero chemistry with and these experiences will stand to you. Google Relationship Red Flags - there is no absolute or definite list and not all will apply to your dates but there are lots of early warning signs that the person you are getting to know is a wrong 'un for you.

    I dated someone years ago that in hindsight had to have been married or in a serious relationship. But it was only noticeable after about 6 months. Some of these players are really expert level. Mine even fooled my highly cynical and suspicious best friend who normally had freaky levels of perceptiveness. So this is not your fault. It's his. Wholly and entirely.

    I hope at least I've learned how to spot the married ones. It sickens me that he might be married. It's not something I would ever do. Hopefully my radar will work a bit better after all this. This guy was definitely expert level. I even invited him to stay in my house when I thought he was homeless. He seemed so plausible. But even then when he was supposedly sleeping in his car he wouldn't let me come out to him with a hot drink or some blankets. One of his excuses for standing me up was that he had been done for drink driving because he was sleeping in his car with a can of beer open - he hadnt been driving- and couldn't call me from the cells.
    Neyite wrote: »
    I think you need to pat yourself on the back here. You got you and your child out of a relationship that was highly abusive - that takes strength and guts. You are going to therapy and working on you - that takes courage and determination. You are putting yourself back out there dating despite your previous experiences. That shows that you are a nice person and see the best in people (even if sometimes that is wasted on someone undeserving) - it's a lovely quality to have. So stop being so hard on yourself :)

    Thanks :) I'll try.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,490 ✭✭✭amtc


    Sometimes there are really obvious red flags that for whatever reason we choose to ignore. I know a very wise old family friend who counsels that you should never trust anyone who says you can trust them...as you shouldn't have to be told. In my past I dated a guy for a year...little things like his location data was turned off on his phone, he had to work late, his home phone wasn't working (for 9 months yet he worked for eir in a senior role, paid for all on cash and just the way he mentioned a certain girl's name whereas I was always darling or sweetie. Surprise surprise not only was he married but also had another girl pregnant. Only found this out as he left his laptop with me one day and had to get me to access his email.

    One thing don't beat yourself up over sending texts or emails. If you have to do it do. It can be helpful to write it down and burn it.

    To do this on your birthday...your own special day...is low.

    If it's any consolation all my situation happened around my 40th...not the actual day though...but I can look back and whilst I can't smile I can remember the good bits.

    Be good to yourself.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11 mf1977


    So Big Bag of Chips has a gift. You were right - he texted me this evening. I admit I was weak to reply but I needed answers as to why he stood me up. He apparently forgot his phone when he left the office on Friday - left it charging on his desk. He had answers for everything. He had no credit to text me. Begging for forgiveness. He's not married.

    He wanted to meet me to repay me the money for the room tomorrow so I wouldn't be out of pocket. Anyway I asked him straight out what he wanted from me and it's just sex. I told him I wanted more than that now and he said that he was sorry the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me and his life was in too much of a mess for anything else and he hoped I'd find the right man for me. But he kept talking and things got a little heated as they always do and now he wants to meet tomorrow. :-(

    I know I'm weak,but I've never felt with anyone the way I feel when I'm with him. I'm all over the place.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,247 ✭✭✭Tigger99


    If he just wanted to repay you, he could transfer it into your account.

    His words say one thing, but his actions - wanting to meet you just for sex despite you telling him you want a lot more - say another.

    He couldn't give a flying fcuk about your feelings.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,427 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    OP I posted this earlier on in the thread

    I can guarantee you one of three things will happen.

    1. You'll never hear from him again because he wanted to finish the friends with benefits arrangement but was too cowardly to just be honest and call it a day.

    2. You'll hear from him in a couple of weeks when he thinks you've got over it and he'll try and worm his way back in with a flimsy excuse.

    Or 3. He doesn't really care either way if he sees you again, but if you cave in, in a few weeks time and text him it will end up going something like this -you'll text him and say 'I thought you were a decent person and we had something going on, the very least you could have done was returned my calls' and he'll wait a day or two and then reply with something along the lines of 'Sorry I've been busy the last while, how are you' It won't address your concerns, it won't be an apology, it will be like the hotel incident never happened, it will hit your weak spot - wanting to see him again and wanting things to be ok, and meeting him will be your acceptance of his bad behaviour, and bam, you're back to square one.

    None of those outcomes are nice or good for you. Delete the number. The best case scenario is that you never hear from him again. That way it's easier to move on.


    He is textbook.

    He's left you hanging for a week, but now it's friday night and he's looking for his booty call. Please don't cave in.

    He didn't need his phone to get to the hotel. If he really wanted to contact you he would have managed it, if you meant anything to him. Plenty of methods on social media. You can ring people through facebook without having their number.

    He wants to meet you, to worm his way back in. And if you cave now he knows it's open season to treat you like absolute ****e and get away with it. And you don't deserve that. He's also told you straight out that he only wants sex. He's not lying when he says that, that is the truth. You want more, so this will never work, so you need to cut contact.

    I think it would be a bad idea to meet him, as he will try to manipulate you. He knows you are vulnerable now. If you can do without the money, well and good, treat it as a lesson learned. If you really need the money back, tell him to post it to you or to drop it in somewhere you can collect so you don't have to meet him.

    No good is going to come of this meeting and he will only fcuk with your head, and you will be six months down the line wondering why he has stood you up on another night out, when he's told you straight out you're getting nothing from him. His wording is especially manipulative, he's told you he doesn't want to hurt your feelings which makes you think 'oh he does care about me, he doesn't want to hurt me' but he's told you he just wants you for sex. Anyone knowing you wanted more, that respected you, wouldn't do this to you. He's perfectly ok with hurting you. Your feelings are not on his priority list.

    Good luck OP.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 8,130 ✭✭✭Surreptitious


    mf1977 wrote: »
    So Big Bag of Chips has a gift. You were right - he texted me this evening. I admit I was weak to reply but I needed answers as to why he stood me up. He apparently forgot his phone when he left the office on Friday - left it charging on his desk. He had answers for everything. He had no credit to text me. Begging for forgiveness. He's not married.

    He wanted to meet me to repay me the money for the room tomorrow so I wouldn't be out of pocket. Anyway I asked him straight out what he wanted from me and it's just sex. I told him I wanted more than that now and he said that he was sorry the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me and his life was in too much of a mess for anything else and he hoped I'd find the right man for me. But he kept talking and things got a little heated as they always do and now he wants to meet tomorrow. :-(

    I know I'm weak,but I've never felt with anyone the way I feel when I'm with him. I'm all over the place.

    Do not meet this man. I have been there and it's like a roller-coaster where you keep waiting for the highs all the time. What about the lows? Look at what you have been through in your life and how you tried to heal yourself.
    All of his excuses are lame as. He has told you all he wants is sex but sex is only a transitory thing and you will be left picking up the broken pieces of your heart come the next day. What good is giving you money now? How did you feel about yourself sitting in that hotel room waiting on one of the biggest birthdays of you life. Don't ever forget that feeling because it's not going to go away dealing with him. You're better off alone than being treated the way he treats you.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,427 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    Don't forget OP that you started this thread on Monday after that experience last weekend. He has claimed that he left the phone in the office at the weekend. That's total BS for a start. I would put my house on that being an outright lie.

    But if we were able to give him the benefit of the doubt for the moment, why didn't he get in contact with you on Monday when he went into work. If it was all a total mistake, he would have been round to your house on Sunday like a shot to apologise. He would have rang/texted you on Monday ASAP to apologise. The no phone credit thing is a load of bull too. 1. He's probably on a contract - no credit is very convenient. 2. The vast majority of phone credit contracts now work on a 'unlimited texts/data/calls' once you top up €20 a month. Again, and this is stretching credibility to the limit, if this was the case, he would have found the €20 to put credit on his phone or borrowed a phone to contact you. And if it had all been a genuine mishap it would have been a priority.

    But you didn't hear from him until tonight, despite you sending him messages on Monday night pouring your heart out about how you felt and how hurt you were. No one who cared would leave you hanging like that.

    Please re-read all the stuff you wrote from the start of the thread.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,767 ✭✭✭SterlingArcher


    mf1977 wrote: »

    I know I'm weak,but I've never felt with anyone the way I feel when I'm with him. I'm all over the place.

    I'd say he manipulates alot of people like this. why wouldn't he. He gets away with it.

    He's given you all the reasons you need to drop it.

    You know well how this ends. So no point stating the obvious. the only question left is how much time you going to give up to see this one out.


  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,872 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    I don't have a gift, he's just textbook... As are you, unfortunately!

    So... Go on... What were his answers.

    1: Why did he not go to the hotel as planned?
    2: Why did he not use someone else's phone to contact the hotel to inform you?
    3: Why did he make no effort to contact you until Friday?
    4: Had he access to a work phone all week?
    5: How do you know he's not married or at least seeing someone else? Because he told you?! And he's so loyal and honest, isn't he :rolleyes:

    He wants sex. This weekend. He got a better offer last weekend and never even gave you a second thought. Now he wants sex again so wants to meet you because he's at a loose end.

    This man doesn't give a fk about you. Not one. He couldn't care less. And you're just proving to him that you don't give a fk about yourself either. So why would he bother. I would go so far as to say this is a game that he is playing. To see how sht he can treat you and still have you come back for more. I'd imagine he has all his friends told about you, possibly even coming up with more ideas on things to do to you to test you. - Send her to a hotel for her 40th, leave her there alone and then don't contact her for a week. Then get her to agree to meet up with you again. Bonus points if you have sex with her.

    Maybe the money he's giving back to you is the money he won on the bet.

    I'm sorry, OP, but I honestly think it doesn't matter what anyone on here says, you are going to continue with this until the bitter end. And it will be a very bitter end. You won't end it with him, ever. And it will only end when he dumps because he's tired of you. Making a fool of you won't be a challenge to him anymore.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    Hi OP,please please do not give this creep another second of your time. He is getting his kicks out of making an absolute fool of you,he lefyhis phone in the office, give me a break! He is lying to you,every word out of his mouth is a lie..
    Don't ever forget, talk is cheap.If he was into he'd have been at the hotel,if he had "forgotten" his phone and really wanted to be there he'd have found a way . You are your own person,you do get to make decisions in this .....you've been through some really bad things and come through the other side..... Here's your chance to take your life choices in your hand,please take the opportunity to stand up for yourself and tell this pr1ck to crawl back under his rock.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 340 ✭✭fallen01angel


    Hi OP,please please do not give this creep another second of your time. He is getting his kicks out of making an absolute fool of you,he left his phone in the office, give me a break! He is lying to you,every word out of his mouth is a lie..
    Don't ever forget, talk is cheap.If he was into you he'd have been at the hotel,if he had "forgotten" his phone and really wanted to be there he'd have found a way.If he couldn't he'd have been on 1st thing Monday,but nope you didn't hear a word all week,that says it all. You are your own person,you do get to make decisions in this .....you've been through some really bad things and come through the other side..... Here's your chance to take your life choices in your hands,so please take the opportunity to stand up for yourself and tell this pr1ck to crawl back under his rock.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15,427 ✭✭✭✭rainbowtrout


    OP, going on the information you've given here, your daughter is about 16. If she comes home to you in a year or two and described a 'boyfriend' she had who was treating her like the way this guy is treating you, what would your advice be to her? I'd presume you'd tell her to get rid of him fairly lively, that she deserves better. Consider what kind of advice you'd give her, what you would want for your daughter and apply it to yourself.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,030 ✭✭✭njs030


    Op even if you ignore everyone here and force yourself to believe he is telling the truth one thing stands out- all he wants is sex.
    You want a relationship, so why would you carry on seeing him?
    You know you're going to get hurt if you continue this so I honestly can't see any reason why you would. You really have no one to blame but yourself if you keep this going when he's told you very clearly that it's nothing more than sex.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11 mf1977


    Thanks everyone again for the replies. I know you're all right. I thought it was the end of it. I said that he knew i had fallen for him and wanted more he said he couldnt give me that and we said goodbye and I thought that was it.

    Then he starts with wanting to make it up to me. How sorry he was. All nice and flattering things about me. How he does care and that he would beg me to forgive him. I know I'm a sap and a sucker and if he really cared and didn't want to hurt me he'd leave me alone.

    I suppose if u can all see it I must be a textbook case then. I had it all planned out in my head. I was going to be strong and not take cr@p. And then he lays on the charm and I cave. Its embarrassing.I did this with my last boyfriend too my family were telling me to dump him. Even my counsellor at one point asked me what the hell I was doing I was getting nothing from him but hurt. I think it really is something very wrong with me. I think I'll make some plans with my daughter in the morning for tomorrow night- the cinema or something.


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  • Administrators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 15,872 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips


    mg1977, I understand that there's something there drawing you to him, but you have to accept that whatever it is, is irrelevant. Because he doesn't feel the same way about you. He is never going to offer more than he is giving you right now. So how you feel about him doesn't matter because a relationship will never work. A relationship takes the cooperation and the willingness of two people. One person being interested isn't enough to sustain a relationship.

    You need to be strong and call this a day, because it is going nowhere. You're not, and never will be, a priority for him. He's not the only man that is going to be interested you. (Although it's questionable whether he is actually interested in you or not). By sticking around waiting for his scraps you are holding yourself back from being in a proper relationship with someone who will actually care about you.

    And don't be fooled by the 'wanting to make it up to you' crap. If there is even a grain of truth in his BS story then he would have been waiting outside his office door on Monday morning to get in to get his phone to explain to you and beg for the chance to make it up to you. But it took him the whole week. He doesn't want to make it up to you. He doesn't care enough about you to want to make it up to you. What he does want though is to keep you in the background so that he can take you out to play with whenever he's bored. It was obvious to everyone but you that that call was coming! And if you do decide to call it a day now the calls and texts will come thick and fast as he realises he's losing control of you. If you do manage to stand firm and resist all his attempts to drag you back in he will, very quickly, turn nasty. Very nasty. You think I had a gift by predicting he'd come back.. it's not a gift. It's just a story that is repeated in every similar relationship all over the world. And trust me, if you try to break his hold on you, he will up the ante, and he WILL turn nasty. That's not a gift to see that coming. It's just the pattern men like him follow.

    Someone mentioned your daughter earlier. If you can't be brave for yourself, do it for her. You would hate for her to settle for this shabby treatment in a relationship. You would hate for her to feel the feelings you felt last week, and other times, because of a man who doesn't care enough about her. Who is only interested in seeing her when he has nothing better to do. You are the female role model in your daughter's life. You are the one she will learn how to conduct a relationship from. You need to start valuing yourself and what you want from a relationship for her sake. Otherwise you're teaching her that she's just there to be used as a plaything whenever the mood takes a man. That she should look for and ask for nothing in exchange. That her wants and needs in a relationship will always come second place to the man's. And that she should be happy to be with a man, any man, regardless of how badly he continues to treat her.

    I'd hate for my daughter to grow up believing that. I hope I will teach my daughter to value herself as an equal in any relationship she is in. I hope she will know that she has a right to expect a certain minimum standard from a partner (basic respect for a start) and that if that is not being met in her relationship that she has the right to walk away. I also have sons, and I hope I will teach them to treat a partner properly and not like something they can keep hidden away and pick up and put down only when the mood takes them.


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