Made a Mess of things

Surreptitious

mf1977 wrote: »

So Big Bag of Chips has a gift. You were right - he texted me this evening. I admit I was weak to reply but I needed answers as to why he stood me up. He apparently forgot his phone when he left the office on Friday - left it charging on his desk. He had answers for everything. He had no credit to text me. Begging for forgiveness. He's not married.

He wanted to meet me to repay me the money for the room tomorrow so I wouldn't be out of pocket. Anyway I asked him straight out what he wanted from me and it's just sex. I told him I wanted more than that now and he said that he was sorry the last thing he wanted to do was hurt me and his life was in too much of a mess for anything else and he hoped I'd find the right man for me. But he kept talking and things got a little heated as they always do and now he wants to meet tomorrow. :-(

I know I'm weak,but I've never felt with anyone the way I feel when I'm with him. I'm all over the place.

Do not meet this man. I have been there and it's like a roller-coaster where you keep waiting for the highs all the time. What about the lows? Look at what you have been through in your life and how you tried to heal yourself.
All of his excuses are lame as. He has told you all he wants is sex but sex is only a transitory thing and you will be left picking up the broken pieces of your heart come the next day. What good is giving you money now? How did you feel about yourself sitting in that hotel room waiting on one of the biggest birthdays of you life. Don't ever forget that feeling because it's not going to go away dealing with him. You're better off alone than being treated the way he treats you.

rainbowtrout

Don't forget OP that you started this thread on Monday after that experience last weekend. He has claimed that he left the phone in the office at the weekend. That's total BS for a start. I would put my house on that being an outright lie.

But if we were able to give him the benefit of the doubt for the moment, why didn't he get in contact with you on Monday when he went into work. If it was all a total mistake, he would have been round to your house on Sunday like a shot to apologise. He would have rang/texted you on Monday ASAP to apologise. The no phone credit thing is a load of bull too. 1. He's probably on a contract - no credit is very convenient. 2. The vast majority of phone credit contracts now work on a 'unlimited texts/data/calls' once you top up €20 a month. Again, and this is stretching credibility to the limit, if this was the case, he would have found the €20 to put credit on his phone or borrowed a phone to contact you. And if it had all been a genuine mishap it would have been a priority.

But you didn't hear from him until tonight, despite you sending him messages on Monday night pouring your heart out about how you felt and how hurt you were. No one who cared would leave you hanging like that.

Please re-read all the stuff you wrote from the start of the thread.

SterlingArcher

mf1977 wrote: »

I know I'm weak,but I've never felt with anyone the way I feel when I'm with him. I'm all over the place.

I'd say he manipulates alot of people like this. why wouldn't he. He gets away with it.

He's given you all the reasons you need to drop it.

You know well how this ends. So no point stating the obvious. the only question left is how much time you going to give up to see this one out.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't have a gift, he's just textbook... As are you, unfortunately!

So... Go on... What were his answers.

1: Why did he not go to the hotel as planned?
2: Why did he not use someone else's phone to contact the hotel to inform you?
3: Why did he make no effort to contact you until Friday?
4: Had he access to a work phone all week?
5: How do you know he's not married or at least seeing someone else? Because he told you?! And he's so loyal and honest, isn't he :rolleyes:

He wants sex. This weekend. He got a better offer last weekend and never even gave you a second thought. Now he wants sex again so wants to meet you because he's at a loose end.

This man doesn't give a fk about you. Not one. He couldn't care less. And you're just proving to him that you don't give a fk about yourself either. So why would he bother. I would go so far as to say this is a game that he is playing. To see how sht he can treat you and still have you come back for more. I'd imagine he has all his friends told about you, possibly even coming up with more ideas on things to do to you to test you. - Send her to a hotel for her 40th, leave her there alone and then don't contact her for a week. Then get her to agree to meet up with you again. Bonus points if you have sex with her.

Maybe the money he's giving back to you is the money he won on the bet.

I'm sorry, OP, but I honestly think it doesn't matter what anyone on here says, you are going to continue with this until the bitter end. And it will be a very bitter end. You won't end it with him, ever. And it will only end when he dumps because he's tired of you. Making a fool of you won't be a challenge to him anymore.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,please please do not give this creep another second of your time. He is getting his kicks out of making an absolute fool of you,he lefyhis phone in the office, give me a break! He is lying to you,every word out of his mouth is a lie..
Don't ever forget, talk is cheap.If he was into he'd have been at the hotel,if he had "forgotten" his phone and really wanted to be there he'd have found a way . You are your own person,you do get to make decisions in this .....you've been through some really bad things and come through the other side..... Here's your chance to take your life choices in your hand,please take the opportunity to stand up for yourself and tell this pr1ck to crawl back under his rock.

fallen01angel

Hi OP,please please do not give this creep another second of your time. He is getting his kicks out of making an absolute fool of you,he left his phone in the office, give me a break! He is lying to you,every word out of his mouth is a lie..
Don't ever forget, talk is cheap.If he was into you he'd have been at the hotel,if he had "forgotten" his phone and really wanted to be there he'd have found a way.If he couldn't he'd have been on 1st thing Monday,but nope you didn't hear a word all week,that says it all. You are your own person,you do get to make decisions in this .....you've been through some really bad things and come through the other side..... Here's your chance to take your life choices in your hands,so please take the opportunity to stand up for yourself and tell this pr1ck to crawl back under his rock.

rainbowtrout

OP, going on the information you've given here, your daughter is about 16. If she comes home to you in a year or two and described a 'boyfriend' she had who was treating her like the way this guy is treating you, what would your advice be to her? I'd presume you'd tell her to get rid of him fairly lively, that she deserves better. Consider what kind of advice you'd give her, what you would want for your daughter and apply it to yourself.

njs030

Op even if you ignore everyone here and force yourself to believe he is telling the truth one thing stands out- all he wants is sex.
You want a relationship, so why would you carry on seeing him?
You know you're going to get hurt if you continue this so I honestly can't see any reason why you would. You really have no one to blame but yourself if you keep this going when he's told you very clearly that it's nothing more than sex.

mf1977

Thanks everyone again for the replies. I know you're all right. I thought it was the end of it. I said that he knew i had fallen for him and wanted more he said he couldnt give me that and we said goodbye and I thought that was it.

Then he starts with wanting to make it up to me. How sorry he was. All nice and flattering things about me. How he does care and that he would beg me to forgive him. I know I'm a sap and a sucker and if he really cared and didn't want to hurt me he'd leave me alone.

I suppose if u can all see it I must be a textbook case then. I had it all planned out in my head. I was going to be strong and not take cr@p. And then he lays on the charm and I cave. Its embarrassing.I did this with my last boyfriend too my family were telling me to dump him. Even my counsellor at one point asked me what the hell I was doing I was getting nothing from him but hurt. I think it really is something very wrong with me. I think I'll make some plans with my daughter in the morning for tomorrow night- the cinema or something.

Big Bag of Chips

mg1977, I understand that there's something there drawing you to him, but you have to accept that whatever it is, is irrelevant. Because he doesn't feel the same way about you. He is never going to offer more than he is giving you right now. So how you feel about him doesn't matter because a relationship will never work. A relationship takes the cooperation and the willingness of two people. One person being interested isn't enough to sustain a relationship.

You need to be strong and call this a day, because it is going nowhere. You're not, and never will be, a priority for him. He's not the only man that is going to be interested you. (Although it's questionable whether he is actually interested in you or not). By sticking around waiting for his scraps you are holding yourself back from being in a proper relationship with someone who will actually care about you.

And don't be fooled by the 'wanting to make it up to you' crap. If there is even a grain of truth in his BS story then he would have been waiting outside his office door on Monday morning to get in to get his phone to explain to you and beg for the chance to make it up to you. But it took him the whole week. He doesn't want to make it up to you. He doesn't care enough about you to want to make it up to you. What he does want though is to keep you in the background so that he can take you out to play with whenever he's bored. It was obvious to everyone but you that that call was coming! And if you do decide to call it a day now the calls and texts will come thick and fast as he realises he's losing control of you. If you do manage to stand firm and resist all his attempts to drag you back in he will, very quickly, turn nasty. Very nasty. You think I had a gift by predicting he'd come back.. it's not a gift. It's just a story that is repeated in every similar relationship all over the world. And trust me, if you try to break his hold on you, he will up the ante, and he WILL turn nasty. That's not a gift to see that coming. It's just the pattern men like him follow.

Someone mentioned your daughter earlier. If you can't be brave for yourself, do it for her. You would hate for her to settle for this shabby treatment in a relationship. You would hate for her to feel the feelings you felt last week, and other times, because of a man who doesn't care enough about her. Who is only interested in seeing her when he has nothing better to do. You are the female role model in your daughter's life. You are the one she will learn how to conduct a relationship from. You need to start valuing yourself and what you want from a relationship for her sake. Otherwise you're teaching her that she's just there to be used as a plaything whenever the mood takes a man. That she should look for and ask for nothing in exchange. That her wants and needs in a relationship will always come second place to the man's. And that she should be happy to be with a man, any man, regardless of how badly he continues to treat her.

I'd hate for my daughter to grow up believing that. I hope I will teach my daughter to value herself as an equal in any relationship she is in. I hope she will know that she has a right to expect a certain minimum standard from a partner (basic respect for a start) and that if that is not being met in her relationship that she has the right to walk away. I also have sons, and I hope I will teach them to treat a partner properly and not like something they can keep hidden away and pick up and put down only when the mood takes them.

amtc

You say that you've never like this around anyone else.

Yes you've never felt as lonely and confused in a hotel room on your own special day. Keep that memory in your head when you miss him.

Not one person who's responded has believed his excuse. It wasn't even a good excuse...he knew where the hotel was and he has a car! He's now got you to a stage where you're nearly defending him.

Put bluntly you were simply an option. Then and now. I'm sorry if that hurts but you're only setting yourself up for more pain

Ursus Horribilis

You originally called this thread "Made a mess of things" which was wrong in the context of the original story you told us. If you go back to this guy and you end up being made a fool of again, then yes you will have. This man sees you as nothing more than a hole and a heartbeat. Do you really value yourself that little? Do you want him to know that you're this gullible and weak?

You can talk to therapists all you want but you have to want to change. This guy isn't quite your awful ex but he has the potential to do you an awful lot of harm. Also, by being the puppet on his string you're setting yourself back months /years. How can you meet someone nice who wants an actual relationship if you're unavailable?

Big Bag of Chips

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

You originally called this thread "Made a mess of things" which was wrong in the context of the original story you told us. If you go back to this guy and you end up being made a fool of again, then yes you will have.

This, by a thousand. You haven't made a mess of anything, yet. He's a textbook abuser. And that's actually what he's doing. He's abusing you. Abusing your good nature. Abusing your feelings for him. He's treating you like sht and then turning it all around to have you feeling sorry for him or wanting to meet up with him again. This is just a bit of sport for him. The only reason he 'wants to make it up to you' is because he's enjoying the game. If you never contact him again, he won't miss you. He'll miss the control he's had. It's not about you. You could be anyone. There's probably been plenty before you who he treated the same. You're not special to him in anyway. All he's getting from you is an ego boost and the confidence to know that he doesn't have to commit anything to you, he doesn't even have to treat you even half decently, he just says a few nice words occasionally and you'll be back in bed with him again... And then he'll go off about his real life again, without you being a part of it.

By the way, I'm also 40 this year and I consider myself to be a young woman!! So if you're hanging in there because you think your time is running out to meet someone else then you're wrong. You're not in a relationship now, so you're wasting time clinging to something that doesn't exist and wasting the opportunities to meet someone who will want you in their life.

batmanrobin

I just want to shake you, OP!! When you see someone making the same stupid ass decisions you made, making all the excuses for a man's piss poor behaviour, it is very frustrating!

Get off this hellish merry go round now before you're completely ground down. You can't be angry with him, OP. The reason you can't is because he has shown you time and again he does not care about you, you are mere body parts to this man, he's even told you with his words, yet you allow it. The anger should be levelled at yourself. You are allowing this. You are showing this man you have no respect for yourself and giving him a green light to treat you so badly.

I've been there. I get it. He's like a drug, you're hooked, the feelings... Yadda, yadda, yadda. It's all crap. It's BS of the highest order. If you valued yourself in the slightest you would block him on everything and delete his number.

All his talk about making it up to you is rubbish and just him trying to get back in your good favour so his access to your vagina is still an option. You are just an option. You're nothing to him. Literally nothing, OP. I'm being so harsh because I've been there and all the crap being said to you is just too familiar. It does not change and it does not get better. You will continue to feel worse though.

Cut him out of your life. Because when you reach the point when you're truly over him, and he decides to get in touch for his ego stroke, the satisfaction at telling him you're no longer interested is something else! It's euphoric! That freedom is so beautiful, OP. To know someone who was like a drug for you no longer holds that power is so liberating.

You need to get to that point. Step one is cutting him out of your life. You can do it. The terrible behaviour for your 40th should have been your "I'm taking no more" point.

dellas1979

Im afraid OP, none of this really is about him. People treat people like crap all the time. Ive no doubt this guy will go on and do the same to others. This is really about you. Its your responsibility to stop it, see the "real" him (not the fake version you created in your head) and take back control over your emotions, how you feel, how you cope, how you see yourself, and what you are worth.

I would suggest you google Adult Attachment issues, identify with one of them (I already know from your posts what youll identify with) and discuss this with your councellor.

And in the meantime, take baby steps. Simply say "no" to his requests, and surround yourself with people who do love you and want good things for you. For e.g., as youve said, do something lovely with your daughter, and take joy from that. Its like a big warm emotional hug.

amtc

Just a quick reply to finish things off. Is it any coincidence that every single person has told you the same thing?

We're not all wrong. I'm not without blame in not quite a similar scenario but to be a fool once is their fault...twice is yours.

kylith

If you decide to meet him tomorrow do it to get the money he owes you, and for the love of gods, bring someone with you so he can't smarm you into bed.

Personally I'd go with 4 word by text: "Send me a cheque".

Big Bag of Chips

mf1977, I know it's a lot to take in, but just think about it all logically. All the stories he's told you. Having to run the business for his friend, living in the house, falling out with the housemates and becoming homeless and jobless all together. If that story is true, then he must have been the antagonist in whatever happened. Because if his friend needed him that badly that he was running his business for him, then the friend couldn't possibly have left him go in favour of other tenants who were in the wrong.

Chances are the story isn't true, or isn't true in the way he's told it.

Your birthday, though... I'm curious to know what reasons he gave you. What reasons could he possibly have had for leaving you there? Forgetting his phone is bad enough, ok, it happens. Could happen anyone. Does he have keys to his job? Any way of accessing the office over the weekend? Fair enough he forgot his phone. Did he know which hotel you were going to? I assume he did. What other disaster befell him, at exactly the same time that he forgot his phone? What emergency happened? Why could he not contact you ANY OTHER WAY? Why could he not go to the hotel to tell you he couldn't stay? There were plenty of options available to him if he was bothered. He could have gotten a friend to drive to the hotel to pass on a message. Nothing is that urgent, bar him being taken to hospital in an ambulance, straight from work and being unconscious, that he could not have gotten in contact with you somehow to tell you he wouldn't make it to the hotel.

Put it this way, if you had arranged to meet him, and something happened. What would you do? I'd imagine you'd tie yourself in knots trying to get in contact with him or someone somehow to let him know. If by some freak event you were off the radar for the whole weekend, what would be the first thing you'd do Monday morning? Even if he'd sent you a message telling you what he thought of you for letting him down so badly. What would you do?

You wouldn't do ANY of what he did. None of it. Because you'd value him more than that. The problem with him is he doesn't value you in the same way. You're not worth the effort to him. You're not worth any effort to him. But the thing is, he doesn't have to make any effort with you because you've shown him time and time again that you'll always come back. Like a little puppy who keeps getting kicked, but then lured back in with a treat, only to be kicked again.

I feel sad for you.

JennyZ

I guarantee OP that it will actually be him who ends up blocking you from his phone when he meets someone else. So do yourself a favour.

unreg999

Big Bag of Chips wrote:

mg1977, I understand that there's something there drawing you to him, but you have to accept that whatever it is, is irrelevant. Because he doesn't feel the same way about you. He is never going to offer more than he is giving you right now. So how you feel about him doesn't matter because a relationship will never work. A relationship takes the cooperation and the willingness of two people. One person being interested isn't enough to sustain a relationship.

Big Bag of Chips wrote:

You need to be strong and call this a day, because it is going nowhere. You're not, and never will be, a priority for him. He's not the only man that is going to be interested you. (Although it's questionable whether he is actually interested in you or not). By sticking around waiting for his scraps you are holding yourself back from being in a proper relationship with someone who will actually care about you.

Big Bag of Chips wrote:

And don't be fooled by the 'wanting to make it up to you' crap. If there is even a grain of truth in his BS story then he would have been waiting outside his office door on Monday morning to get in to get his phone to explain to you and beg for the chance to make it up to you. But it took him the whole week. He doesn't want to make it up to you. He doesn't care enough about you to want to make it up to you. What he does want though is to keep you in the background so that he can take you out to play with whenever he's bored. It was obvious to everyone but you that that call was coming! And if you do decide to call it a day now the calls and texts will come thick and fast as he realises he's losing control of you. If you do manage to stand firm and resist all his attempts to drag you back in he will, very quickly, turn nasty. Very nasty. You think I had a gift by predicting he'd come back.. it's not a gift. It's just a story that is repeated in every similar relationship all over the world. And trust me, if you try to break his hold on you, he will up the ante, and he WILL turn nasty. That's not a gift to see that coming. It's just the pattern men like him follow.

Big Bag of Chips wrote:

Someone mentioned your daughter earlier. If you can't be brave for yourself, do it for her. You would hate for her to settle for this shabby treatment in a relationship. You would hate for her to feel the feelings you felt last week, and other times, because of a man who doesn't care enough about her. Who is only interested in seeing her when he has nothing better to do. You are the female role model in your daughter's life. You are the one she will learn how to conduct a relationship from. You need to start valuing yourself and what you want from a relationship for her sake. Otherwise you're teaching her that she's just there to be used as a plaything whenever the mood takes a man. That she should look for and ask for nothing in exchange. That her wants and needs in a relationship will always come second place to the man's. And that she should be happy to be with a man, any man, regardless of how badly he continues to treat her.

Big Bag of Chips wrote:

I'd hate for my daughter to grow up believing that. I hope I will teach my daughter to value herself as an equal in any relationship she is in. I hope she will know that she has a right to expect a certain minimum standard from a partner (basic respect for a start) and that if that is not being met in her relationship that she has the right to walk away. I also have sons, and I hope I will teach them to treat a partner properly and not like something they can keep hidden away and pick up and put down only when the mood takes them.

Such wise words... I wish i could like this 1000000000 times!
Please, for the sake of your daughter at least, listen xx

leggo

OP think about a time you were alone, before you were even thinking about dating, and happy.

Now think about how **** you've felt all week because of this guy's standard treatment of you.

You can just be happy without having someone in your life, and it's way better than feeling like **** for the sake of kinda, semi, sorta, but not really having someone. We join our lives together with people because they make our lives better. This person is actively making yours worse.

mf1977

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Your birthday, though... I'm curious to know what reasons he gave youl..

Just that he left his phone in work charging. He knew which hotel I booked but I was to text him the room number when I checked in. So he didn't get that. That's his story anyway. I realise I can't believe anything he tells me - this many people all saying the same thing can't be wrong. I can't trust my own judgement anymore and that's a horrible feeling.

I've blocked him on my phone, deleted his number and messages. I think that's the only way he can contact me. We're not friends on social media - probably another thing that I should have been a warning to me. If he does get nasty like was said and finds another way to contact me I'll have to face that. I had to deal with nasty messages and phone calls and harassment from my ex when we were breaking up so Ive dealt wih that kind of thing before and I can do it again. My family don't know he exists but if it comes to it I can tell them and I know they would be supportive ... even though they'd probably be rolling their eyes behind my back at another mess I've gotten into.

With regards to the money. My mother and brother gave me money for my birthday that covered it. It was to buy something specific, so I'll have to come up with an explanation why I haven't gotten it, but yes other than that I can afford to let it go and that's what Im going to do. Im starting to get back on my feet financially after college. But to be honest I dont want him giving me money. I know it probably sounds bonkers but it would feel like him paying me for my services.

It's a long time since I've felt this bad about myself. I didn't sleep a wink last night rehashing the past. I'm so embarrassed at myself and how I've let another man do this to me. I was looking forward to my fortieth. It was going to be a new chapter. My mental health has been getting better. I'm starting to make headway in a new career that I love. And the most important thing to me is that my daughter is starting to get better after the whole ordeal I put her through with the depression and suicide attempt and that's taken a lot of time. I don't want to set her back.
I'm embarrassed that I let a man take away from all that.
The fact that it's the Easter holidays and I've no work to distract me isnt helping. I'm making plans to keep busy and were going away next weekend so hopefully I can keep my mind occupied and not dwell on it and think of him too much and try to move forward.
I've made up my mind to put him behind me. Last night was a setback, a wobble, but I can be very stubborn when I want to be though and when I make up my mind to do something. So today and tonight is about me and my daughter. Tomorrow is a family day. And Ill face next week when it comes. F**k him

rainbowtrout

JennyZ wrote: »

I guarantee OP that it will actually be him who ends up blocking you from his phone when he meets someone else. So do yourself a favour.

Actually that is an excellent point. And his story to the new one will be 'I met mf1977 one night when we were out and went on one date and now she won't leave me alone etc' and make you out to be the one the in wrong.

tara73

OP, that's so good to read, your last post. you are a strong woman, and this man has no chance in destroying what you achieved for you and your daughter in the last time.
when he's contacting you again (and I'm sure he will), read your last post , think of your daughter and what she and you are gone through, I'm sure you'll not respond to him.

Big Bag of Chips

Good woman. There are so many positives in your last post. Concentrate on them. He's a dick. You'll obviously need to lick your wounds for a little while, but don't dwell on it. His excuse is just so weak! He's not even bothering to be convoluted anymore. If he forgot his phone but had definite plans with you he shows up to the place where you were supposed to meet and looks for you. It's not hard!

You've done nothing wrong. Tell your mam and brother you treated yourself to a night away or whatever. Wait for the abuse, because it will come. You'll find how many ways he finds to contact you when he really wants to :rolleyes:

Onwards and upwards, and fk him is right!

rainbowtrout

mf1977 wrote: »

Just that he left his phone in work charging. He knew which hotel I booked but I was to text him the room number when I checked in. So he didn't get that. That's his story anyway. I realise I can't believe anything he tells me - this many people all saying the same thing can't be wrong. I can't trust my own judgement anymore and that's a horrible feeling.

Yep, he could have gone to the hotel and asked reception to call your room and tell you he was in the lobby. They could have done that without giving out your room number in case he was some sort of crazy.

mf1977 wrote: »

I've blocked him on my phone, deleted his number and messages. I think that's the only way he can contact me. We're not friends on social media - probably another thing that I should have been a warning to me. If he does get nasty like was said and finds another way to contact me I'll have to face that. I had to deal with nasty messages and phone calls and harassment from my ex when we were breaking up so Ive dealt wih that kind of thing before and I can do it again. My family don't know he exists but if it comes to it I can tell them and I know they would be supportive ... even though they'd probably be rolling their eyes behind my back at another mess I've gotten into.

He will probably give up once you are consistent with your wall of silence and he realises he's flogging a dead horse. Just be ready down the line if you get a message out of the blue from him, it could be 6 months or a year from now, and it will be a friendly non-commital testing the waters 'how are you?' type message. It could be this time next year with a 'hey, just thinking of you on your birthday, wish I could have made up for the mess I created last year' He will still be at the same thing he's at now. And it might be very easy to slip into a feeling of 'oh that's nice, I should reply' because you've had time to get over it and the raw feelings have subsided, and bam a text conversation starts and he get's inside your head again. Guys like this will play the long game if they think they can. Consider your silence as a lifetime thing with no expiry date.


It probably won't go down the road of the harassment you received from your ex, as that does sound like a different sort of situation. Only you know your family best, so if you feel they would be critical of you now while you feel vulnerable, so if you do tell them about it, you can be economical with the story and just mention that you met someone and say he seemed nice at first, but he cancelled a few dates and you suspected he was dating someone else so you dropped him. All of that is generally true. It will help your family to understand enough that he was a waster without needing to relive the gory details or make yourself feel worse. It will also show them that you were able to stand up for yourself.

mf1977 wrote: »

With regards to the money. My mother and brother gave me money for my birthday that covered it. It was to buy something specific, so I'll have to come up with an explanation why I haven't gotten it, but yes other than that I can afford to let it go and that's what Im going to do. Im starting to get back on my feet financially after college. But to be honest I dont want him giving me money. I know it probably sounds bonkers but it would feel like him paying me for my services.

Maybe if you don't want to tell them the whole truth, so you can just draw a line under the whole situation, you can tell them you're holding off on buying whatever it is for a while, until you can afford to do so.

mf1977 wrote: »

It's a long time since I've felt this bad about myself. I didn't sleep a wink last night rehashing the past. I'm so embarrassed at myself and how I've let another man do this to me. I was looking forward to my fortieth. It was going to be a new chapter. My mental health has been getting better. I'm starting to make headway in a new career that I love. And the most important thing to me is that my daughter is starting to get better after the whole ordeal I put her through with the depression and suicide attempt and that's taken a lot of time. I don't want to set her back.
I'm embarrassed that I let a man take away from all that.
The fact that it's the Easter holidays and I've no work to distract me isnt helping. I'm making plans to keep busy and were going away next weekend so hopefully I can keep my mind occupied and not dwell on it and think of him too much and try to move forward.
I've made up my mind to put him behind me. Last night was a setback, a wobble, but I can be very stubborn when I want to be though and when I make up my mind to do something. So today and tonight is about me and my daughter. Tomorrow is a family day. And Ill face next week when it comes. F**k him

OP, there are lots of positives there. This is only the second time this has happened in 16 years. You're not on here saying this is your 10th relationship in 16 years and all have turned out the same. You've finished a college course. You have a new career. Your 40th was a new chapter, you saw this guy for what he was, you've got him out of your life and now your new life is starting without him in it. So it's a massive new beginning and it's a mistake you are not likely to repeat if you can stay away from contacting this guy. If anyone treats you like this in the future, you will remember this and be able to stick up for yourself.

mf1977 wrote: »

And Ill face next week when it comes. F**k him

That's the spirit.

kylith

mf1977 wrote: »

I've blocked him on my phone, deleted his number and messages.

Good for you!! Onward and upward!

bp

You have over come so much in your life. Start afresh at 40: you earned a degree (amazing), you have a child whom you have raised despite what you have been through, and clearly you did make some improvements in choice of men - not huge impeovements obviously but better than your previous bf. Just be more careful and sort your own head out first as these types of men prey on women they can manipulate / kind hearted and gulible....it's isn't your radar it's there's....they know how to grind people down and worm inside their heads

Onwards on upwards, continue with therapy and your career. Maybe join some groups (eg hill walking) to meet people and keep busy

ahnow

Hi OP, well done on blocking the guy, you dont need someone like that in your life. You have been through a lot , and I thought it was significant that given the context of the title of your post and what you've been through that you said you had made a mess of things, when clearly it was his bad behaviour and his treatment of you that was awful, and not the other way around. I would echo what other people have said on here and really recommend counselling to try and get to the bottom of things.
I would also say not to look at this most recent event as a failure, but as a new opportunity to go about getting some help for why you allow men to treat you like this, because you deserve better, and I think if you look at this, and what happened in your childhood and your violent ex that you will see common themes that keep coming up and that this could potentially be a catalyst for positive change in your life. It might be that you still unconsciously blame yourself for what happened to you. Going to see a good counsellor you might be able to talk all of this through and work on yourself to fully realise that you are not to blame for all of this and that you deserve to be treated with respect and love.
I had a similar event in my childhood and it is natural for a child to blame themselves for these types of awful events, but it can be buried and manifest in our relationships throughout our adult life, but it can be changed, and I'm speaking from the other side of things now, it just takes some hard work, but you can turn things around for yourself.

mf1977

Sorry to be dragging this up again but I've gotten some good advice on here and there's no one I can talk about it to in real life.

So I've had no contact since I blocked him. Ive been keeping busy with family and work and trying not to dwell and mope around to much.

Yesterday I got a load of texts from a number I didnt recognise. I cant use my phone in work and they were all there waiting for me when I finished. They were from him saying how he's sorry for hurting me, asking for forgiveness and he actually begged me to meet him in a hotel. He's very good at making himself out to be a poor tortured soul who nothing ever goes right for. I texted back and told him where to go as well as a few other things and blocked that number too. I also told him that this was the second number belonging to him I was blocking and if he contacted me again I would consider it harassment and go to the guards. Probably a bit OTT but I felt better after I blocked him. I'm positive in my head that I'm doing the right thing and that I'll get over it.

The only thing is there was still a part of me that wanted to comfort him and meet with him. Why is that? I know he only wants one thing and that he's manipulating me to get it. And even though I would normally think horribly of anyone who did this - used someone for their own self gratification knowing how they felt about them - I can't seem to think badly of him. I mean I should be fuming at him and if someone treated someone belonging to me like this I would be furious, but all I can really feel is sad that he thinks so little of me.

Anyway, I've no intention of meeting him. By the looks of it I might have to put up with hearing from him at random times when he's bored or has an itch that needs to be scratched. I just can't seem to get my head around my own reactions and why I can't make myself dislike him. It would make this all so much easier if i could.

Ursus Horribilis

Well done on staying strong and giving him a right slap when he came crawling back. Hopefully it will make him think twice before he tries something like that again. I'm not one bit surprised that you feel conflicted. I'm sure you still have a lot of feelings for this guy despite all that has happened. You're a human being with feelings and a big heart, not a tap. It's going to take time for you to get over him.

What is really great about your latest post that you stayed strong this time and told him where to go. It's only a fortnight ago that you had bought his tall tale about the phones, said you were weak and were going to meet up with him. To go from that to giving him home truths and threatening the guards is quite a turn around. Well done you!!

Tigger99

Fair play to you blocking him again. Look you know why he's in touch. But I find it particularly weird that he suggests meeting at a hotel. If he qss in any way sincere he'd suggest somewhere like a coffee shop etc where he couldn't get the ride.

What a dickhead.

Big Bag of Chips

Don't think there's something wrong with you for feeling bad for him. You're human. A nice human at that, and as a rule you wouldn't like to see someone hurting. He's not hurting though. Not really. His ego is a bit bruised because you're not there at the click of his fingers anymore.

My friend left her abusive, alcoholic, cocaine addict, gambling husband a few years ago. She had left a few different times and always went back because she always believed how sorry he was, his promises to change. She eventually left him for good, and I can honestly say it took her over 2 years to stop feeling sorry for him when he'd spin the story of how he'd lost everything, how he was alone, how nobody wanted anything to do with him anymore, and on and on. He was abusive to her. He was a danger around their children. He be up all night and wouldn't remember in the morning if he'd taken all the cocaine he had or not, so she'd be crawling around the house looking for bags under tables, chairs, down behind presses, for fear he had dropped them and the children would pick them up. He was an arsehole of the highest order who made her life a living hell and put their children in very real danger. Yet he could still manipulate her to feel sorry for him. She used to ring me in tears asking why she let him get to her. She hated him. Absolutely hated him for everything he turned himself into, yet she felt guilty and responsible for his (un)happiness. She even considered going back with him. Spoke about it, agreed to it, and then he threw something heavy and hard at her head because she didn't agree to it as quick as he wanted her too. Even after that, for about a year she still felt sorry for him at times.

It takes a lot of mental strength and energy to get yourself out of the grip of a manipulative person. They don't let go easily.

You're doing the right thing. He's not THAT upset. He's only upset that you've copped on to him.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe it's not weird at all but is an indication of how little he thinks of her? I don't want to be disrespectful to the OP but he had a track record of getting away with things. She had accepted his lies and manipulation. She also had told him she has feelings for him. Sooo many buttons to press from his point of view. He probably thought that once he got her into a hotel room, his puppy dog eyes and way with words would work their magic.

mf1977

Thanks once again for the replies. It's nice to know there's not something completely wrong with me that I'm feeling sorry for him and that I don't hate him.

Actually him wanting to meet in a hotel only helped. It confirmed to me that he doesn't have any respect for me whatsoever. He knows what I feel for him yet he wants me to meet for what would be no more than a quick sh@g and as always he would have probably had some compelling reason why he had to leave fairly quickly afterwards. And apparently he's willing to tell me anything he thinks I want to hear to get what he wants.

I'm under no illusions about what he wants any more, despite everything he told me in the past about the way things would have been "if only" his life was in order, or if he had met me years ago and how his "feelings" didn't matter because of the mess he was in.

Thanks again.

amtc

You know, you should be very proud of how far you've come.

It's not a million miles away from being groomed. In a short period of time you have come so far that the original title of the post is inappropriate.

njs030

mf1977 wrote: »

Thanks once again for the replies. It's nice to know there's not something completely wrong with me that I'm feeling sorry for him and that I don't hate him.

Actually him wanting to meet in a hotel only helped. It confirmed to me that he doesn't have any respect for me whatsoever. He knows what I feel for him yet he wants me to meet for what would be no more than a quick sh@g and as always he would have probably had some compelling reason why he had to leave fairly quickly afterwards. And apparently he's willing to tell me anything he thinks I want to hear to get what he wants..

It's amazing that you can see through him and see what he really wants, you're amazingly strong and should be so proud of yourself.

Well done!!!

Smiley283

After going through all that I am delighted to read that you know your self worth OP and can walk away with your head held high knowing that although he hurt you, he hurt himself in the process! All the best for any of your future romantic endeavors :-)

bp

I bet he thought you blocking his phone number was a mistake on your part and that you would go racing back.

Well done you on standing up to him and for yourself. Take it one day at a time and let yourself heal. Be kind to yourself.

rainbowtrout

mf1977 wrote: »

Yesterday I got a load of texts from a number I didnt recognise. I cant use my phone in work and they were all there waiting for me when I finished. They were from him saying how he's sorry for hurting me, asking for forgiveness and he actually begged me to meet him in a hotel. He's very good at making himself out to be a poor tortured soul who nothing ever goes right for. I texted back and told him where to go as well as a few other things and blocked that number too. I also told him that this was the second number belonging to him I was blocking and if he contacted me again I would consider it harassment and go to the guards. Probably a bit OTT but I felt better after I blocked him. I'm positive in my head that I'm doing the right thing and that I'll get over it.

Well done OP on staying strong. God, he's some piece of work asking you to meet in a hotel. He's not even attempting to disguise what he wants from you. I'd say he got some land when you threatened the guards on him. He probably wasn't expecting such a turnaround, and figured he would be able to talk you round.

mf1977 wrote: »

The only thing is there was still a part of me that wanted to comfort him and meet with him. Why is that? I know he only wants one thing and that he's manipulating me to get it. And even though I would normally think horribly of anyone who did this - used someone for their own self gratification knowing how they felt about them - I can't seem to think badly of him. I mean I should be fuming at him and if someone treated someone belonging to me like this I would be furious, but all I can really feel is sad that he thinks so little of me.

You are human, and your default setting is probably to be decent to people, and not to hurt them. So even though you know what you are doing is right for yourself, it involves being blunt with him and that's probably not in your nature. But it is the very thing that he exploited in the past.

Once you get some distance from this experience it will be easier to see him for what he is in his entirety, once those positive feelings for him have abated.

mf1977 wrote: »

Anyway, I've no intention of meeting him. By the looks of it I might have to put up with hearing from him at random times when he's bored or has an itch that needs to be scratched. I just can't seem to get my head around my own reactions and why I can't make myself dislike him. It would make this all so much easier if i could.

This was the first time you had to do this. He might get the message this time, he might not and as you said, you might hear from him at some random time in the future. It will be easier the next time to delete his messages and ignore him now that you have rejected him once.


Maybe he was good company when you were with him, maybe you had a laugh with him. Those things will be at the back of your mind, niggling away at you knowing that there was good with the bad, that's why you're finding it hard to dislike him. It's hard to rationalise behaviour like he's displayed if he's been nice to you in the past as in 'I can't believe someone who was so sweet to me, could be such a prick'. But ultimately, the use and abuse train of thought is first and foremost in his mind, and charm was just one way of getting you to comply. When he does come to mind, and you think of a good memory, it might be worth following that memory through with the memory of him giving you a flimsy excuse and legging it from the hotel and leaving you feeling used and empty every time it happened.

The worst is over OP, onwards and upwards.

batmanrobin

Well done, OP! You should be proud of yourself. It can be difficult to break out of a situation like that.

The absolute neck of him suggesting to meet in a hotel!! Although, you see him for who he really is, so every cloud has a silver lining.

You sound like a decent person, OP, and deserve far better than shoddy behaviour like that.

Stay strong!