Wives... were you glad pubs weren't open today

0ph0rce0

I really don't think if n0x has kids he's going to say here's half the money love for some clothes and food you can buy them for the child next year when you get your half.

Electric Sheep

Cyrus wrote: »

because i make a lot more money and have more scope to make more money at the moment.

and i do the drop offs, my wife goes in very early say 7.30 and leaves around 5 and i goto work for 9 and leave and 7/8

its not sustainable long term though

And you will continue to make more money and more headway in your career, while she treads water or moves backward through working less. Works for you, I bet, not so much for her, career wise.

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pilly

Electric Sheep wrote: »

And you will continue to make more money and more headway in your career, while she treads water or moves backward through working less. Works for you, I bet, not so much for her, career wise.

Very low blow there, no need for that. Comes across as quite bitter. He was merely saying that's the way they have things set up for now.

One eyed Jack

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Now - how does this relate to the OP? Well, her husband seems to think the same way as Nox. Whats his is his and its fine for him to spend it on drink and neglect his family with all day drinking sessions.

Its important for the OP that she sees that this is not the correct way for someone in a marriage to be thinking. Neither on the drinking or the money.

Not the correct way for someone in a marriage to be thinking?

nox, report to your nearest adjustment bureau to have your thinking corrected immediately. Your thinking like many, many other couples I know is incorrect. I'll have to go tell them too that their thinking is incorrect.

Or, I could just acknowledge that whatever their set-up works for them and there's no right nor wrong thinking about it.

meeeeh

irelandrover wrote: »

I was just curious, why are so many people wanting to tell him he's wrong. Its baically been the last few pages of the thread.

I don't think there is wrong on right arrangement, most of us adapt as we go. It's more thant his system has potential to be extremely unfair if people stick to it no matter how the circumstances change. Similar arrangements are quite often subject of threads in PI for a good reason. It works perfectly fine if incomes are similar. And even then, what happens if one person is gifted a site for a house, does that mean the other person has to pay more of the mortgage until the contribution becomes more 50/50.

Splitting something in half is certainly the fairest arrangement in a house share, it's rarely the fairest arrangement in a family.

Cyrus

Electric Sheep wrote: »

And you will continue to make more money and more headway in your career, while she treads water or moves backward through working less. Works for you, I bet, not so much for her, career wise.

we discussed it together, looked at our finances and made a decision together based on what we both want out of life and what will work best for our family.

when our daughter starts school my wife would like for one of us to be able to collect her and help with homework etc, and she would prefer it was her if possible.

So my focus is to earn enough money to make that possible and she is trying to help me achieve that. regardless of what i earn and what she earns we will both have the same disposable income.

it was a decision we came to together.

so while it wont work for her career wise it will work for her life wise and thats what she would like.

Electric Sheep

Electric Sheep wrote: »

My husband never checks our bank accounts, that is "my job". He deposits money and calls it good. I could be carrying out all kind of fraud/dodgy practice/siphoning off money for drugs and he wouldn't know. He has the user name and password for our online banking, he just doesn't ever check it.

I think its because I'm the polar opposite to your husband that I like my way of managing finances. I would check my own bank a/c which only I have access to about 2 or 3 times per day (even though I know nothing will have changed) and check my credit card account at least once a day.

0ph0rce0

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

I think its because I'm the polar opposite to your husband that I like my way of
managing finances. I would check my own bank a/c which only I have access to about 2 or 3 times per day (even though I know nothing will have changed) and check my credit card account at least once a day.

Gotta love those Zeros

meeeeh

In general I don't think forced equality is the best solution in most cases. Expecting parents to do equal amount of parenting is just as daft as expectation to contribute equally financially. Mostly we just adapt to whatever works the best for family.

Electric Sheep

Electric Sheep wrote: »

You'd be surprised. I know a woman whose husband of nearly 20 years gambled away every penny they had, including remortgaging their house, all behind her back. She found out after he committed suicide. She had no idea that he had emptied all their bank accounts, investments, etc. Hard to believe, but it does happen. Maybe less likely in these days of online banking, but still possible.

My husband never checks our bank accounts, that is "my job". He deposits money and calls it good. I could be carrying out all kind of fraud/dodgy practice/siphoning off money for drugs and he wouldn't know. He has the user name and password for our online banking, he just doesn't ever check it.

It happens.

I've a relative who was married for 20 years .

As soon as he was made redundant, his wife, and the mother of his three kids had an affair with someone with secure employment.

When his redundancy payment was lodged in their joint account, (somewhere around 30k, I think!) she withdrew every penny of it to help her boyfriend build them a house.

The first he knew of it was when he went to withdraw some money for food, only to find he didn't have the price of a carton of milk to his name...

No matter how well you know someone, it's generally a good idea to check on the finances an odd time.

Having said that - guess who always took care of the bills and accounts in our house?:D:D
And has the pin for every one of the kids bank cards? (That's only because I would sometimes lodge or withdraw money for them if they need it, though!)

0ph0rce0

0ph0rce0 wrote: »

Gotta love those Zeros

I've caught fraud on my account one or twice before the bank even noticed because if it.

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How many times do I have to say that it's not active refusal its just not something that's discussed in detail because why would it, as outside of shared expenses each of our money is our own. Obviously we have a good idea of our financial positions and there would be no issue furnishing statements etc if going for a mortgage etc.

RuMan

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

My main feeling is that I'm not a fan of a person giving up work in the first place and I wouldn't hide that. It's not a practical solution to live of one salary in this day and age and better for people to have their own money and be able to afford a better lifestyle than scraping by on a single wage.



I don't see what the issue is with subtracting non-shares items, its not just my idea to do it it makes perfect sense. Why would one part of a couple continually pay toward items in the weekly shop that they never use? Thus reducing their own disposable income. Split shared bills 50/50, each completely fund their own purchases and personal expenses and your income is yours aside from that, simple but the best way to operate imo.

I'd dispute that.
I'm doubtful if its ever better for kids to have both parents working high level full time jobs.
My wife gave up full time work and a friend gave up and his wife works full time. Both still do some part time consultancy work. Luckily their skills are in demand.

In most cases the 2nd salary is just going on the mortgage. Better if people just bought the houses they can afford in the 1st place.

(The phrase "a better lifestyle" rings alarm bells with me.)

0ph0rce0

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

I've caught fraud on my account one or twice before the bank even noticed because if it.

I do the same myself. A few years back I got an email to say I ordered 7 Samsung Galaxy S4 phones from amazon.

I only needed 6 so I knew something was up

Check it everyday now.

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RuMan

RuMan wrote: »

(The phrase "a better lifestyle" rings alarm bells with me.)

Let it ring away, if you want to have a nice lifestyle, be able to afford things you want and not just be living purely to pay the mortgage and feed the family then two incomes are almost always required.

Kids should be an addition to your life not change everything and prevent you doing things you did before, buying things you bought before, saving etc.

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Cyrus

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

Let it ring away, if you want to have a nice lifestyle, be able to afford things you want and not just be living purely to pay the mortgage and feed the family then two incomes are almost always required.

Kids should be an addition to your life not change everything and prevent you doing things you did before, buying things you bought before, saving etc.

wait until you are in a situation where you have two people working their asses off and a baby in creche 10 hours a day and see how nice a lifestyle it is

pilly

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

Let it ring away, if you want to have a nice lifestyle, be able to afford things you want and not just be living purely to pay the mortgage and feed the family then two incomes are almost always required.

Kids should be an addition to your life not change everything and prevent you doing things you did before, buying things you bought before, saving etc.

Kids should be an addition to your life?? Really nox, I'm convinced that you're trolling now.

0ph0rce0

pilly wrote: »

Kids should be an addition to your life?? Really nox, I'm convinced that you're trolling now.

I think he means just because you have kids that doesn't mean you have to stop enjoying life and your money as you please.

If you have a enough time and money to do both I see no problem with that.

whatdoicare

Cyrus wrote: »

wait until you are in a situation where you have two people working their asses off and a baby in creche 10 hours a day and see how nice a lifestyle it is

Kids get sick an awwwwwful lot, then you also have the added guilt of sending an upset sick child into a creche for 10 hours a day. My one has been sick enough to need to stay home at least six times and one hospital trip this year alone. It's pretty common for kids in creche to get sick alot.

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Its not a regular topic of discussion so as I said there wouldn't be e detailed knowledge of the comings and goings or money left over at the end of the month etc but of course there would be a general overall picture known

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I was taking about the type of thing we are seeing where all the money is pooled into a single joint account and if you are buying something personl is has to be "discussed" etc as you are not just spending your own money. The asking for permission was (a small bit) tongue in cheek though it does almost appear that way with some couples.

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I mean exactly what 0ph0rce0 said. Its madness the way people are willing to totally give up on their life because of kids, its even evident in this thread where people don't even go out for a few pints anymore because of it.

Cyrus wrote: »

wait until you are in a situation where you have two people working their asses off and a baby in creche 10 hours a day and see how nice a lifestyle it is

I wouldn't have much intention of using a creche either, certainly not as the main form of child care. Grandparents do most of the childminding for the people I know with kids (as my grandparents minded me and my siblings for my parents).

0ph0rce0

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So just because i have kids i'm not allowed to enjoy my life or do anything for me??

Get a grip

Cyrus

0ph0rce0 wrote: »

I think he means just because you have kids that doesn't mean you have to stop enjoying life and your money as you please.

If you have a enough time and money to do both I see no problem with that.

of course it doesnt but the practicalities are that for the first few years at least you arent going to be bringing a toddler backpacking in asia or to cancun or whatever you did before. Your joint income will be lessened because your partner will have been on maternity. Once he or she goes back to work you have creche fees and a new reality around drop offs pickups etc

its naive in the extreme to expect things to stay the same, you may get back to it, but it will take time and plenty of it if you have more than one

Murrisk

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

Kids should be an addition to your life not change everything and prevent you doing things you did before, buying things you bought before, saving etc.

Lol.

Cyrus

whatdoicare wrote: »

Kids get sick an awwwwwful lot, then you also have the added guilt of sending an upset sick child into a creche for 10 hours a day. My one has been sick enough to need to stay home at least six times and one hospital trip this year alone. It's pretty common for kids in creche to get sick alot.

yep and the brucey bonus is that you will get sick as well

the ailments they bring home :eek:

pilly

0ph0rce0 wrote: »

I think he means just because you have kids that doesn't mean you have to stop enjoying life and your money as you please.

If you have a enough time and money to do both I see no problem with that.

Reality is very few except those that have inherited money have enough time and money. It's usually a trade off between the 2. Throw kids into the mix and you have to make further sacrifices.

It's the way it works. Kids are not a fun companion like a dog and if you consider them as such then you shouldn't have them.

Again, nox is well able to defend himself accept when it comes to a question that he can't answer so why the need to offer an explanation here?

whatdoicare

Cyrus wrote: »

yep and the brucey bonus is that you will get sick as well

the ailments they bring home :eek:

Very true. I think we've all been sick nearly permanently since September when playschool started. I've a pain in my wallet paying for doctors!

pilly

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

Its not a regular topic of discussion so as I said there wouldn't be e detailed knowledge of the comings and goings or money left over at the end of the month etc but of course there would be a general overall picture known



I was taking about the type of thing we are seeing where all the money is pooled into a single joint account and if you are buying something personl is has to be "discussed" etc as you are not just spending your own money. The asking for permission was (a small bit) tongue in cheek though it does almost appear that way with some couples.



I mean exactly what 0ph0rce0 said. Its madness the way people are willing to totally give up on their life because of kids, its even evident in this thread where people don't even go out for a few pints anymore because of it.



I wouldn't have much intention of using a creche either, certainly not as the main form of child care. Grandparents do most of the childminding for the people I know with kids (as my grandparents minded me and my siblings for my parents).

Now I'm fully convinced your full of it.

You expect grandparents to look after your children whilst you go and enjoy your "lifestyle".

Absolute bull****.

Cyrus

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

I wouldn't have much intention of using a creche either, certainly not as the main form of child care. Grandparents do most of the childminding for the people I know with kids (as my grandparents minded me and my siblings for my parents).

lucky for you if you are ok with that, its not an option open to everyone and it will of course mean you have more disposable income as well.

pilly

pilly wrote: »

Now I'm fully convinced your full of it.

You expect grandparents to look after your children whilst you go and enjoy your "lifestyle".

Absolute bull****.

My parents (and aunts and uncles) expected my grandparents to do the childminding of me and my siblings, cousins etc so why would it be different when my generation has kids?

0ph0rce0

What are yous talking about.

The chap keeps his money, she keeps her money after the bills are paid. That's their agreement. I'm sure if either got stuck both of them would take on the financial commitments over the other one and continue on as normal until the other one gets sorted. And I doubt he/she will be looking for it back with interest.

If shes broke and needs something or vice versa I'm sure they would help each other out.

He's not going backpacking around the world.

He's not depriving his girlfriend of food or shelter because she got pregnant and suddenly can't afford half the mortgage.

He's not letting her starve because she lost her job and can't go halves on some mince for the dinner.

He's not going to let her die just because she couldn't afford half the health insurance.


Some ****e being spouted here.

Cyrus

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

My parents (and aunts and uncles) expected my grandparents to do the childminding of me and my siblings, cousins etc so why would it be different when my generation has kids?

why would it be the same?

Cyrus

0ph0rce0 wrote: »

What are yous talking about.

The chap keeps his money, she keeps her money after the bills are paid. That's their agreement. I'm sure if either got stuck both of them would take on the financial commitments over the other one and continue on as normal.

He's not going backpacking around the world.

He's not depriving his girlfriend of food or shelter because she got pregnant and suddenly can't afford half the mortgage.

He's not letting her starve because she lost her job and can't go halves on some mince for the dinner.


Some ****e being spouted here.

his and hers

there it is again

irelandrover

Cyrus wrote: »

why would it be the same?

Maybe because thats how things are done within his family.

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RuMan

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

Let it ring away, if you want to have a nice lifestyle, be able to afford things you want and not just be living purely to pay the mortgage and feed the family then two incomes are almost always required.

Kids should be an addition to your life not change everything and prevent you doing things you did before, buying things you bought before, saving etc.

Why on earth would you want to keep doing the same things you did before ?
Life changes, you develop different interests.

Sorry but kids will change everything. (That's ignoring the financial side). If your friends start having kids their interests will change so I'm afraid yours will also whether you like it or not !!

Happy enough with our lifestyle , being honest its a lot better now then when we were both working and chasing our tails. I'd suggest after the revenue take their cut, creche fees and the mortgage there's very few cases where a 2nd salary is worth the hassle. Given kids will start school at 5 , its a short term pain in any case.

whatdoicare

pilly wrote: »

Now I'm fully convinced your full of it.

You expect grandparents to look after your children whilst you go and enjoy your "lifestyle".

Absolute bull****.

Grandparents looking after his kids fulltime??? What do you do if they say "fup off, I've done my child rearing" or you know things like old age and not being fit to mind children? haha, I think that dude is living in cloud cuckoo land. My folks wouldn't sign up for that in a dying fit and the husbands parents died 14 years ago, what am I supposed to do to have my lavish lifestyle!?:pac: What if the grandfolk are busy living their own lavish lifestyle to mind his kids?

Murrisk

Alma Weak Stabilizer wrote: »

My parents (and aunts and uncles) expected my grandparents to do the childminding of me and my siblings, cousins etc so why would it be different when my generation has kids?

Things have changed a lot in a generation. Your mother (and let's face it, she'd be doing the bulk) might not be keen on full-time minding of grandchildren just because her mother did it. Creches are much more popular and commonplace then they were a generation ago. Your grandparents did it, but did they enjoy it?

Cyrus

irelandrover wrote: »

Maybe because thats how things are done within his family.

maybe its how things were done, doesnt mean its how things will be done

my parents wouldnt mind my kids, neither would my wife's, and i wouldnt ask them to, they have their own lives to lead, and me choosing to start a family shouldnt prevent that

0ph0rce0

Cyrus wrote: »

his and hers

there it is again

That's how they work it. Just because they don't do what you do doesn't make your point and better.

Cyrus

0ph0rce0 wrote: »

That's how they work it. Just because they don't do what you do doesn't make your point and better.

the point im making is that if you are married to someone his and hers shouldnt come into it,

you dont agree

RuMan

Cyrus wrote: »

maybe its how things were done, doesnt mean its how things will be done

my parents wouldnt mind my kids, neither would my wife's, and i wouldnt ask them to, they have their own lives to lead, and me choosing to start a family shouldnt prevent that

Jesus i'd be embarrassed dumping my kids full time on my parents. If you cant afford a creche/childminder then clearly that 2nd salaries not big enough.
Either one parent should quit work or you need to re adjust your lifestyle expectations accordingly !!

whatdoicare

whatdoicare wrote: »

Grandparents looking after his kids fulltime??? What do you do if they say "fup off, I've done my child rearing" or you know things like old age and not being fit to mind children? haha, I think that dude is living in cloud cuckoo land. My folks wouldn't sign up for that in a dying fit and the husbands parents died 14 years ago, what am I supposed to do to have my lavish lifestyle!?:pac: What if the grandfolk are busy living their own lavish lifestyle to mind his kids?

I know lots of people who's parents do all the childmiding it's very common (in my circle anyway including my oh's parents for her nieces/nephews).

0ph0rce0

Cyrus wrote: »

the point im making is that if you are married to someone his and hers shouldnt come into it,

you dont agree

I get what your saying and for the most part yes that's what it's about but not on everything no.

If I earn 100K and she earns 20K or she earns 100k and I earn 20k, I've no problem pooling money and both having access to buy whatever you want when you want once you can afford it.

But just because I'm married shouldn't mean I or She can never have or do anything independently ever again.

Your telling me once your married your never allowed to go out and do or buy anything on your own, You never allowed to have anything that's just yours?

Sounds miserable to me.

Murrisk

Cyrus wrote: »

maybe its how things were done, doesnt mean its how things will be done

my parents wouldnt mind my kids, neither would my wife's, and i wouldnt ask them to, they have their own lives to lead, and me choosing to start a family shouldnt prevent that

My folks would take the kids one or two days a week MAX.

I know my in-laws like minding their grandkids but are relieved to hand them back after a couple of days. Kids are tiring for a pair of sixty-somethings.

Murrisk

RuMan wrote: »

Jesus i'd be embarrassed dumping my kids full time on my parents. If you cant afford a creche/childminder then clearly that 2nd salaries not big enough.
Either one parent should quit work or you need to re adjust your lifestyle expectations accordingly !!

I don't think it's down to not being able to afford it, it seems to be "dump the kids on the grandparents and put the creche money into savings". Grandparents' time and energy is worth nothing apparently.

Cyrus

0ph0rce0 wrote: »

I get what your saying and for the most part yes that's what it's about but not on everything no.

If I earn 100K and she earns 20K or she earns 100k and I earn 20k, I've no problem pooling money and both having access to buy whatever you want when you want once you can afford it.

But just because I'm married shouldn't mean I or She can never have or do anything independently ever again.

Your telling me once your married your never allowed to go out and do or buy anything on your own, You never allowed to have anything that's just yours?

Sounds miserable to me.

might sound miserable but it doesnt even resemble anything i have said.

in fact you are agreeing with me, i am advocating that if one earns 100 and the other earns 20 then once all of the household expenses are taking care of and any savings or whatever are put away the remainder is split 50/50 for each person to do what they like with.

The point im making is that one person shouldnt have way more disposable income than the other, but what they do with the residual money is up to them.

i think you agree with me actually

0ph0rce0

Cyrus wrote: »

might sound miserable but it doesnt even resemble anything i have said.

in fact you are agreeing with me, i am advocating that if one earns 100 and the other earns 20 then once all of the household expenses are taking care of and any savings or whatever are put away the remainder is split 50/50 for each person to do what they like with.

The point im making is that one person shouldnt have way more disposable income than the other, but what they do with the residual money is up to them.

i think you agree with me actually

Yes i agree with the money if you have it, I don't give a ****e about the money if we can afford it then who cares who spends it.

It was the his - hers comment (maybe that was related to money only if so sorry) I see no reason why you still can't have somethings that are his and hers just because your married not everything has to be equal.