Do you judge single people?

Ms Doubtfire1

erica74 wrote: »

Why so?

Because being in a relationship was the worst time of my life lol. in a living in the same house relationship.And very often you can sense irritation with married couples...staying to gether for the kids is such a common occurrence ( 3 couples I know are doing that) it's just sad

pilly

Bambi985 wrote: »

Being single can be hard financially too after a certain point. Especially if you live in a big city. How on earth could any single person afford to live on their own or afford a mortgage in London or Dublin for example, if they weren't on a fairly large wage or decided on a long commute from an outside county where things are a bit more affordable?

For most single people under those circumstances it'd be house-sharing, which gets old fast and can be tough to do upward of your 20s.

I think our society is designed for couples in that respect, and that infiltrates people perceptions of success or at least sets the "milestones" that people think you have to hit to be a successful, responsible adult. Such as marriages, mortgages and babies.

Very very true. I feel for the single people in their early 30's the most here. Extremely difficult to live in a city on your own so a lot end up living at home which further gives people the impression that they're mummies boys or whatever.

erica74

Ms Doubtfire1 wrote: »

Because being in a relationship was the worst time of my life lol. in a living in the same house relationship.And very often you can sense irritation with married couples...staying to gether for the kids is such a common occurrence ( 3 couples I know are doing that) it's just sad

That is sad.

Sunny Disposition

RobertKK wrote: »

I am single in my early 40s, never wanted a relationship, don't care what people think.
If it is an issue for someone else, well it is their issue, not mine. I am happy and feel free, I travel abroad on my own for holidays, I really appreciate my own independence.
I don't believe I would be happy in a relationship, I would hate to be in a relationship with someone who is very clingy, tell me what I should do.
It is my life and once I am happy in my own life, then I don't care what others think of me.
My attitude is once you are happy, then it is not my place to judge someone else. I do think if one is unhappy, they should look to make changes, life is short enough without being unhappy as well.
I don't want children, I don't want to be in a relationship, I love doing my own things, if people want to judge me over that, fine, but you must have a very boring unhappy life if that concerns you.
I don't get people who do this, and people always judge other people, so why care?
Do things you love and enjoy life, whatever status one is in, whether it be single or in a relationship.
You don't have to live by other people's expectations, it is your own life.

Have you never had a relationship at all? Maybe you'd enjoy going out with someone casually enough?

Colser

erica74 wrote: »

That is sad.

Sad but very true imo.I know lots of people who would be living apart/separated if it was an easier process.It's not mainly about the kids but more about the house and assets tbh.It's so difficult to do it fairly that many people end up staying together but not actually in a relationship.

BetsyEllen

If anything I would admire people that are single and just getting on with life, going out alone and being happy to do so.

Life can be harder when you're on your own and don't have the emotional support of a partner at home for you every day.

I've been single a year now for the first time in my life (I'm 30) and although I have found it quite tough at times I have definitely gotten used to it and it's changed me for the better.
I've become far more independent than I was previously and also more confident in myself.
I constantly surprise and feel proud of myself for silly little things - I remember the first time I changed a light bulb, you'd think I'd won some money the way I was smiling!

I do get constantly asked by well meaning married or long term partnered up girlfriends - well, seeing anyone yet? How's the dating going? Did you get a ride lately :P
And then of course the sympathetic 'ah don't worry, you'll meet someone soon' comments. I'm just used to it now, I smile and change the subject.

I think some of them do silently judge me, or pity me even, but I've been married in the past (I was young) and I know how easily a very happy life can fall apart overnight so I remind myself they too could be in a similar situation themselves one day!

Yourself isit

Yourself isit wrote: »

I think the "Single people are psychological" judgementalism tells us more about you, and to a certain extent Ireland - particularly country Ireland
- than single people. Very odd.

I'm not single btw, but Ireland is still very Catholic in its relationship status. The assumption here is that there no pool of available dates past 35 could only be true in a society where people couple by that age and don't divorce or seperate. So it's hook up by 35 or be damned to be a singleton.

Brilliant post. The funny thing is, the whole relationship and dating game has changed somewhat with peoples expectations of one another and increasing technology. Our attitudes maybe haven't changed to reflect this.

Relationships/Courtships seem to walk a tightrope but that is only from my own personal experience. :pac:

Im the youngest of a family of three by a good bit so growing up i may as well have been an only child except i had four parents instead of two siblings and two parents Im now in my early to mid thirties but admittedly while i attract the few admirers (and thats not bragging) its harder to build a relationship due to many factors. Lack of real concrete interest (mine or hers), distance, reliance on technology and i suppose growing up i got too used to my own company to be able to fully relate to people. I was in a 10 mth relationship many moons ago which ended fairly acrimoniously if im being honest. When i was single before meeting her i was probably pining for a relationship just to see what it was like or to validate that i was 'normal' to my peers but when i was in the relationship, i missed the whole dating/flirting thing if im being honest.

I was in a bad place though for a long time after it ended and wondered if i had made a blunder in not fighting harder for it on several occasions over the years.
However i felt at the time i was backed into a corner and she acted a bit too immaturely for my liking.

I would have been more like the OP's friend once upon a time but i'm in a place for the first time where i am content and happy in my own skin. You hear of young people dying suddenly and it suddenly makes you realise the importance of being grateful, whatever situation you are in.

I would like to settle down and have kids some day and maybe it will happen, but for now, i will enjoy my singlehood because someday it may end

BetsyEllen

IamtheWalrus wrote: »

I'm the same. I've provided for myself for so long now (and am good at it) that I almost wonder if I could ever share it all, I'd almost resent the other person for piggy-backing on my hard work. Sounds weird but that's how I feel.

If I met someone now that had their own home and we wanted to move in together, I wouldn't feel that I was 'piggy-backing on their hard work'.
I would pay my way to live in their home and the house would still be theirs. I'd be paying them rent and bills.

Now I know when you marry someone they would possibly gain some rights to the property but if you reach the stage of marriage, surely any thoughts of them 'piggy-backing' would be gone?

neonsofa

Colser wrote: »

Sad but very true imo.I know lots of people who would be living apart/separated if it was an easier process.It's not mainly about the kids but more about the house and assets tbh.It's so difficult to do it fairly that many people end up staying together but not actually in a relationship.

I know a woman who split with her partner during the recession and due to their finances being shared and her being unemployed at the time she was still living with him. Unable to leave because of money and unable to sell the house for a new start because of the recession. It did so much damage to her mental health. Living with someone who you are trying to separate from is such a horrible thing from what I witnessed with her, she really was a mess until she got her clean break. So I'd imagine plenty just remain together to avoid the awkwardness and confrontation that she endured. Her home became this hostile environment of paranoia and resentment. Awful situation. Every time "the recession" is mentioned I just think of how badly it affected her, every aspect of the recession seemed to slap her in the face at the time and she couldn't catch a break. And they didn't even have kids to complicate things further.
Rambling sorry! But I agree with your comment was my point.

neonsofa

BetsyEllen wrote: »

If I met someone now that had their own home and we wanted to move in together, I wouldn't feel that I was 'piggy-backing on their hard work'.
I would pay my way to live in their home and the house would still be theirs. I'd be paying them rent and bills.

Now I know when you marry someone they would possibly gain some rights to the property but if you reach the stage of marriage, surely any thoughts of them 'piggy-backing' would be gone?

Nope if you live together for a certain period of time they will gain rights to the property now afaik. And if they are contributing to the mortgage financially I think they also obtain certain rights. A legal minded person may be able to clarify though, I'm just going by memory!

BetsyEllen

neonsofa wrote: »

Nope if you live together for a certain period of time they will gain rights to the property now afaik. And if they are contributing to the mortgage financially I think they also obtain certain rights. A legal minded person may be able to clarify though, I'm just going by memory!

Hmmm interesting - I thought it was only if you married.
I suppose your thoughts are fair enough then IamtheWalrus.

neonsofa

BetsyEllen wrote: »

Hmmm interesting - I thought it was only if you married.
I suppose your thoughts are fair enough then IamtheWalrus.

Used to be but then they brought in new laws for cohabitating couples.

Elemonator

I wouldn't. I'm the same. I've too much to be doing without worrying about anyone else and sometimes I like having my own time and having control.

I often put it down to being too independent.

GeorgeBailey

I like to judge people whether they're single or not. It makes me feel better about myself.

ToddyDoody

I know a couple who broke up recently after going out for a few years. I don't know how it went but i'd say she feckin murdered him.

erica74

Colser wrote: »

Sad but very true imo.I know lots of people who would be living apart/separated if it was an easier process.It's not mainly about the kids but more about the house and assets tbh.It's so difficult to do it fairly that many people end up staying together but not actually in a relationship.

Sounds like hell.

dublinman1990

I watched a scene in Happy Valley on RTE One there with a couple fighting rights to their own kids after going through a divorce. The one playing the wife in the scene used to play Hayley Cropper in Coronation Street. The kids in that scene looking like there were afraid that something bad was going to happen between their mam & dad. All I'm saying is that if this was a real life scenario; I would be sympathetic with people's kids who are going through that trouble. It must be hell for them to even think that parents having arguments with each other would be equal to having a "happy marriage".

Single adults living in the opposite direction are maybe having a more bearable outcome after their own life choices and fair play to them for doing so.

Bambi985

dublinman1990 wrote: »

Single adults living in the opposite direction are maybe having a more bearable outcome after their own life choices and fair play to them for doing so.

Not every single person is that way by choice though. Some people just never met the right person. Never got into the relationships rigmarole that everyone else seems to in their 20s or 30s and got a bit singular in their lifestyles and didn't spend too much time looking as a result. Or spent so much time looking and not finding that they gave up and resigned themselves to the single life. I know a few people like that.

DEFTLEFTHAND

My mother used to always question me about my younger brother, asking was he queer or what not. He'd no GF through school.

He didn't date until he went to college and then hooked up with an awful yoke who he's still with. I hate her, she's so bad for him.

A naive bloke when it comes to the ways of the world.

neonsofa

dublinman1990 wrote: »

I watched a scene in Happy Valley on RTE One there with a couple fighting rights to their own kids after going through a divorce. The one playing the wife in the scene used to play Hayley Cropper in Coronation Street. The kids in that scene looking like there were afraid that something bad was going to happen between their mam & dad. All I'm saying is that if this was a real life scenario; I would be sympathetic with people's kids who are going through that trouble. It must be hell for them to even think that parents having arguments with each other would be equal to having a "happy marriage".

Single adults living in the opposite direction are maybe having a more bearable outcome after their own life choices and fair play to them for doing so.

Many single people have been through the above scenario in order to become single though. Not necessarily a messy divorce or fighting over custody but there are plenty single people who have been in relationships/marriages and have had kids too, and no matter how clean the break up it is generally going to be a difficult experience for all involved. Life just goes on!

Sound Bite

pumpkin4life wrote: »

There's this weird sad/unfocused lost vibe from a lot of people who don't have children past a certain age. They're easy enough to spot actually, it's fùcking weird in my opinion.

99% of women are far more suited to being married with kids than being single.

Can you please explain this further as I'm at a loss to understand what you mean?

You aren't married to MrsOBumble by any chance?

pumpkin4life

Good video on why I think the vast majority of people who say they're happy being single (especially women) are lying tbh.

LilRedDorcha

pumpkin4life wrote: »

Good video on why I think the vast majority of people who say they're happy being single (especially women) are lying tbh.

Yeah, god forbid people might want to make decisions about their own lives :rolleyes:

neonsofa

pumpkin4life wrote: »

Good video on why I think the vast majority of people who say they're happy being single (especially women) are lying tbh.

Cause some man went on a rant about how 19 year old girls know nothing?

Alpha_zero

Are all the single people getting regular sex, i ain't

Sound Bite

pumpkin4life wrote: »

Good video on why I think the vast majority of people who say they're happy being single (especially women) are lying tbh.

Such of offensive video. By your logic people who don't have children serve no purpose. Such ****e

Mrs OBumble

Sound Bite wrote: »

Can you please explain this further as I'm at a loss to understand what you mean?

You aren't married to MrsOBumble by any chance?

Nope.

I don't like people who pull statistics out of their arse.

Any with a few minutes on google i could find reputable studies which show that women - on average - are happier single. (Not doing it now cos I'm on the phone.)

I don't know of any that attemtpt to measure happiness vs maternal status, though.

Mister Vain

Alpha_zero wrote: »

Are all the single people getting regular sex, i ain't

I was before they criminalised it.

annascott

Most single people do not have a partner because they are choosy and also independent so do not need to settle for someone below par. They are more likely to be envied than judged badly.
There are the obvious weirdos, priest types or those with twitching syndromes or lack of hygiene but they are not the norm.

StudentDad

I'm married and have been for quite a while. Do I judge single people? No. That's a rather daft thing to do. Life isn't a checklist. Education, job, house, etc. Oh no, I'm going to turn into a pumpkin if I'm not married by the age of x. It's daft.

SD

pumpkin4life

pumpkin4life wrote: »

Asshole (possible projection from a lad who wants a giant farm with a supermodel wan with ten kids) post coming:

If your life is meaningless/unfulfilling a lot of the time then sometimes putting yourself forward for kids is the only way to do it.

There's this weird sad/unfocused lost vibe from a lot of people who don't have children past a certain age. They're easy enough to spot actually, it's fùcking weird in my opinion.

I would say that 90% or so men are meant to/are far more suited to being married with kids than being single and 99% of women are far more suited to being married with kids than being single. It's fùcking sad in a way. Wans my age obsessed with the career in marketing and its dawning on them that its other people, not some quota or number that makes your life mean something.

Sometimes as well its a rationalization for being shy/physically unattractive etc as well.

From someone who isn't single and will probably have kids in the next few years, you have a very, very narrow mind and it's very likely to be projection. Your worst fears aren't even other peoples trifling considerations.

Mister Vain

pilly wrote: »

Very very true. I feel for the single people in their early 30's the most here. Extremely difficult to live in a city on your own so a lot end up living at home which further gives people the impression that they're mummies boys or whatever.

Yeah I get judged a lot more on this TBH, and in a way it just further compounds the problem of being single. It almost feels like a catch 22. I'd like to have a partner so I can move out, but I need to move out to get a partner.

Subacio

I judge them to be lucky.

Widdershins

Maybe fear of being mistaken for a single person is the same reason my female friends seem to need their boyfriends to go clothes shopping with them (apart from possibly having the clothes paid for by the boyfriends?) I always wondered.

mzungu

pumpkin4life wrote: »

If your life is meaningless/unfulfilling a lot of the time then sometimes putting yourself forward for kids is the only way to do it.

Afraid not, children are not a magic bullet to to unlock the secret of a happy and fulfilling life. By all means, if somebody wants children then they should go for it, but to do it because they are out of all other options and need to cross it off the list is highly irresponsible.

pumpkin4life wrote: »

There's this weird sad/unfocused lost vibe from a lot of people who don't have children past a certain age. They're easy enough to spot actually, it's fùcking weird in my opinion.

I wonder why you are paying so much attention to what others do?

pumpkin4life wrote: »

I would say that 90% or so men are meant to/are far more suited to being married with kids than being single and 99% of women are far more suited to being married with kids than being single. It's fùcking sad in a way.

What have you based your opinion on?

pumpkin4life wrote: »

Wans my age obsessed with the career in marketing and its dawning on them that its other people, not some quota or number that makes your life mean something.

A lot of speculation, how do you know what they are thinking?

mzungu

pumpkin4life wrote: »

Good video on why I think the vast majority of people who say they're happy being single (especially women) are lying tbh.

Why would anything in that video make you think the "vast majority of people who say they're happy being single (especially women) are lying"? Nothing in that video gave me that impression, but I disagree totally with what Peterson said in it regardless.

He paints a kind of apocalyptic scenario where 30 years down the road we are going to have loads of single and lonely childless women in society. Does he have anything to back this up? How does he know they will be unhappy or lonely?

Carlos Orange

mzungu wrote: »

Does he have anything to back this up? How does he know they will be unhappy or lonely?

I don't really see anything in the video. Perhaps it is a self fulfilling prophecy but a quick google brings up this study that seems to support the idea that getting married and having children while married both reduce the suicide rates in women. Assuming parous means what I guess it means and suicide is a good proxy for unhappy/lonely.

"The hypothesis of a negative association between rates of suicide and number of children in marriage was investigated in a prospective study of 989,949 women followed up for 15 years (1970 through 1985) with 1190 deaths from suicide. Women who had never married exhibited higher relative risks for suicide than married parous and married nonparous women for all age groups younger than 65 years at the start of follow-up. Among the married, the parous women had lower relative risks than nonparous women for all ages. For both premenopausal and postmenopausal women, a strong linear decrease in relative risk for suicide with increasing number of children in marriage was found. The effect of number of children was independent of social class measured as years of completed schooling. The findings provide the first empirical support for theories of parenthood and suicide advanced by Durkheim almost 100 years ago."

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8427553

mzungu

psinno wrote: »

I don't really see anything in the video. Perhaps it is a self fulfilling prophecy

IIRC Peterson would be quite traditional, so no doubt some of his own bias is in there certainly

psinno wrote: »

but a quick google brings up this study that seems to support the idea that getting married and having children while married both reduce the suicide rates in women. Assuming parous means what I guess it means and suicide is a good proxy for unhappy/lonely.

"The hypothesis of a negative association between rates of suicide and number of children in marriage was investigated in a prospective study of 989,949 women followed up for 15 years (1970 through 1985) with 1190 deaths from suicide. Women who had never married exhibited higher relative risks for suicide than married parous and married nonparous women for all age groups younger than 65 years at the start of follow-up. Among the married, the parous women had lower relative risks than nonparous women for all ages. For both premenopausal and postmenopausal women, a strong linear decrease in relative risk for suicide with increasing number of children in marriage was found. The effect of number of children was independent of social class measured as years of completed schooling. The findings provide the first empirical support for theories of parenthood and suicide advanced by Durkheim almost 100 years ago."

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8427553

The studies do seem to zig-zag a bit depending on where they were done and who did them. For example, In India, "close to 60,000 married men committed suicide in 2014 as compared to 27,000 married women. However, 1,400 widowers ended their lives compared to 1,300 widows. Similarly, around 550 divorced men committed suicide as compared to 410 divorced women. The data shows, overall 66% of all suicides were committed by married people. Only 21% of those who committed suicide were unmarried, while widows/widowers and divorced people made up for less than 3% of all suicides."

In the USA, there was no real differences in suicide rates among the currently married vs, divorced vs. widowed vs. always-single. In fact, the always-single women were actually less likely to commit suicide than married women (Kposowa 2000). Link to study here: Kposowa, A. J. (2000). Marital status and suicide in the National Longitudinal Mortality Study. Journal of epidemiology and community health, 54(4), 254-261. Chicago


I think the links between relationship status and suicide fail to take into account a lot of other factors. It is likely to be a combination of a whole plethora of things, rather than just relationship status alone.

Pac1Man

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

I don't like people who pull statistics out of their arse.

Oh really?

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

Also, once you're past mid 30s, a higher proportion of people who are still single are like that because they have some health or psychological issues which mean they have difficulty forming a relationship.

Carlos Orange

mzungu wrote: »

IIRC Peterson would be quite traditional, so no doubt some of his own bias is in there certainly

Boards split my post oddly because I put 2 spaces between words for some reason. I meant more that if you go looking for results on the impact of marriage and children on suicide I'm sure you can find some to suit either conclusion.

Graces7

Originally Posted by pumpkin4life View Post

There's this weird sad/unfocused lost vibe from a lot of people who don't have children past a certain age. They're easy enough to spot actually, it's fùcking weird in my opinion.

99% of women are far more suited to being married with kids than being single.

What a bizarre idea.

mzungu

psinno wrote: »

Boards split my post oddly because I put 2 spaces between words for some reason. I meant more that if you go looking for results on the impact of marriage and children on suicide I'm sure you can find some to suit either conclusion.

Fair enough.

PREG1967

I judge everybody for warmth and duplicity

PREG1967

Graces7 wrote: »

Originally Posted by pumpkin4life View Post

There's this weird sad/unfocused lost vibe from a lot of people who don't have children past a certain age. They're easy enough to spot actually, it's fùcking weird in my opinion.

99% of women are far more suited to being married with kids than being single.

What a bizarre idea.

Its called freedom

_Brian

Seriously people, anyone with the inclination to go round looking down on people because they are single or married isn't worth worrying what their opinion is.

There'll always be single people either through circumstances or choice. It's unfortunate for anyone who really wants to be part of a couple but just can't find someone but it happens allot.

I haven't been single since forever and to be honest don't even notice what other people are doing.

If everyone just got on with their own lives and stopped judging People or feared being judged by people I reckon we'd all be allot happier.

ToddyDoody

There's a fair few films where the storyline centers around a perpetually single person. If this were a classroom discussion I feel now'd be a time to put on the video. Maybe Lost in Translation?

Ben Gadot

_Brian wrote: »

Seriously people, anyone with the inclination to go round looking down on people because they are single or married isn't worth worrying what their opinion is.

There'll always be single people either through circumstances or choice. It's unfortunate for anyone who really wants to be part of a couple but just can't find someone but it happens allot.

I haven't been single since forever and to be honest don't even notice what other people are doing.

If everyone just got on with their own lives and stopped judging People or feared being judged by people I reckon we'd all be allot happier.

It's not so much a case of looking down on somone. I was best friends with a number of people but once they coupled up they only wanted the company of other couples. God forbid a bloke would be able to go on the piss on a random Saturday.

Ben Gadot

JennyZ wrote: »

That's just it, that's what isolates people from some former friends but not all. It definitely makes you see who your true friends are.

Yeah and the problem is not a gender thing it just is what it is.

Alpha_zero

Everybody judges everybody.

Mrs OBumble

Pac1Man wrote: »

Oh really?

Yawn. All I talked about was the proportion increasing: I didn't say by how much . And there's a post in the thread where I explained how that can be known to be true, even if we don't know the specific statistics (which we don't).

psinno wrote: »

I don't really see anything in the video. Perhaps it is a self fulfilling prophecy but a quick google brings up this study that seems to support the idea that getting married and having children while married both reduce the suicide rates in women. Assuming parous means what I guess it means and suicide is a good proxy for unhappy/lonely.

"The hypothesis of a negative association between rates of suicide and number of children in marriage was investigated in a prospective study of 989,949 women followed up for 15 years (1970 through 1985) with 1190 deaths from suicide. Women who had never married exhibited higher relative risks for suicide than married parous and married nonparous women for all age groups younger than 65 years at the start of follow-up. Among the married, the parous women had lower relative risks than nonparous women for all ages. For both premenopausal and postmenopausal women, a strong linear decrease in relative risk for suicide with increasing number of children in marriage was found. The effect of number of children was independent of social class measured as years of completed schooling. The findings provide the first empirical support for theories of parenthood and suicide advanced by Durkheim almost 100 years ago."

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/8427553

That ignores the question of correlation vs causation, though.

People with better mental health are more likely to be able to maintain stable long term relationships., and are less likely to self-harm.

People with poorer mental health are less likely to marry in the first place.