father recently diagnosed with terminal cancer - disappointed in friend

doireann08

Hi Everyone

My father was diagnosed a month ago with terminal cancer. We are still waiting to hear about what are the palliative care options. There is a chance that they will not do chemo.

My emotions are all over the place.I am based in Dublin but I now spend most of my time in the country helping my mother care for him and just spending time with my Dad.

My emotions are all over the place - over the last week I have felt a lot of anger ( sometimes towards my siblings and also towards one friend of mine) Half the time I think I am being completely irrational and over sensitive. My siblings are doing the best they can. Two live abroad and my sister lives 1.5 hours away from my parents - and she visits once/twice per week
I am meeting a counseller once a week to get support and I have told a handful of friends.

Some friends have been great however I am disappointed with one friend C.
She hasn't rang me once to see how I am doing or asked me to meet up. She has sent me lovely texts and also said in one of the texts that anything I need she is there for me.

I only tend to come to Dublin once a week on a Wednesday, I let her know this but she hasn't suggested meeting up just the two of us. Normally I am very proactive i.e arranging get togethers with friends. However since the news, I can't think straight, my emotions and feelings are all jumbled. The logical side of me thinks I am being ridiculous, but the other side feels very hurt by C. I have been a very good friend to her when she needed support, but I feel a little abandonded by her.

I have a lot of really good friends who I have introduced C to over the last 4 years ( thats how long I know her) She has met up with them since my Dads diagnosis( I was invited too but couldn't face going), but has not called me or even suggested meeting just the two of us. Im not really able for group get togethers at the moment, the most I can manage is just meeting with one friend at at time for a coffee

Not sure what to do or let it slide for the moment as my priority is my Dad. I also appreciate that C may not be sure what to do or help me as she has not been in this situation before. Any advice is appreciated ( I am aware that I might be being unfair to C, I haven't said anything to her or should I just text her asking of she is free next Wednesdaty when I am in Dublin?)

Big Bag of Chips

It's such a tough time for your family. It sounds to me like C doesn't want to impose. She is being supportive in that she is letting you know that she's there for you if/when you need her. After that, she's letting you decide when you need her.

Rather than abandoning you I think she is doing her best to give you space to deal with it all. Have you asked to meet up with just her and she's let you down? Sometimes in situations like this people can't do right! If you want to meet her, ask her. At times like this some people are very good at reading what we need. Others aren't, but it doesn't make them less of a friend.

doireann08

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

It's such a tough time for your family. It sounds to me like C doesn't want to impose. She is being supportive in that she is letting you know that she's there for you if/when you need her. After that, she's letting you decide when you need her.

Rather than abandoning you I think she is doing her best to give you space to deal with it all. Have you asked to meet up with just her and she's let you down? Sometimes in situations like this people can't do right! If you want to meet her, ask her. At times like this some people are very good at reading what we need. Others aren't, but it doesn't make them less of a friend.

Thanks - yes I think it could be a case of her giving me space to deal with it all. I haven't asked to meet up with her on her own yet. I think its a case of her not being great at reading what support I need. She has sent a a few links to me and other friends to different gigs - I don't think she is aware that I cant face going to loud noisy places right now. Its too much for me. At the moment its difficult for me to plan as sometimes I travel up to Dubin Wednesday morning and leave Wednesday night

Katgurl

Ah I'm so sorry to hear this OP. A terrible time for you.

With regard to your friend be aware you might be redirecting your anger to distract or protect yourself. She said she was there whatever you needed so take her up on that.

"Thanks for the gig invites but I can't face the group nights out. I could do with some chats the two of us. I'm up on Wednesday, are you free?"

If she lets you down I'd cut her out and surround yourself with people you can rely on.

GingerLily

When my mom passed away I left whatsapp group's so I wouldn't get frustrated at my friends for not grieving while I was grieving. I joined back again when I was ready for silly messages about gigs etc.

I think your being unfair on your friend, she's not a mind reader and it's hard for some people to know what to do in these situations, it doesn't mean she doesn't care.

Ask her to meet you next Wednesday, tell her you could with a break and take it from there.

Ande1975

My heart is breaking for you OP, I'm so sorry that your family has this facing you.

As for your friend, I wouldn't read anything into it. If your friend is anything like me, it could be that hearing news like that makes you think of your own family, your own parents and makes her feel very vulnerable.
It just means you are much, much braver than me and maybe her.

Airyfairy12

So sorry to hear about your situation. As for your friend, I was in her situation not too long ago and my reasons being were that I didnt want to impose, I told my friend I was here if she needed anything and left it at that. She might feel that this is such a difficult time for you that you just want to be with family and focus on your dad. As for sending gig invites, it would be worse if she sent them to everybody but you so she's obviously still trying to include you things. She said shes there if you need anything, im sure she meant that so maybe ask her for coffee and tell her youre not up for nights out right now.

jimmycrackcorm

doireann08 wrote: »

Some friends have been great however I am disappointed with one friend C.
She hasn't rang me once to see how I am doing or asked me to meet up. She has sent me lovely texts and also said in one of the texts that anything I need she is there for me.

I understand that it is a difficult time for you but what you are saying here is that you want to make it about you instead of your dad. Your friend cannot see this as like most people they would view him as deserving of sympathy when they probably don't have the same connection.

Some friends might sense what you are saying but most probably don't and I wouldn't try to make an issue out of it because of that.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I was very unfortunate to lose my Mam suddenly 2 years ago and I can tell you that people act so weird! My best friend of 25 years didn't speak to me for 7 months after she died. She got a new boyfriend and quite clearly didn't want anything raining on her love struck parade. So I didn't consider her a friend anymore. I've actually lost so many friends since because the anger you go through after a bereavement is unreal. I just couldn't tolerate people anymore. You see a lot of people for what the really are, massive wake up call for me to be honest. I don't regret anything and I know this is just the way my life is now, made new friends and I'm happier!

With your mate, I wouldn't end your friendship, she may just be awkward and doesn't know what to say. That is probably hurtful to you but it's just the way some people are. When the time comes you will know for sure if she's a real friend or not.

Take care and I am truly sorry for what you're going through, look after yourself x

beertons

C could just be scared. I called around to a guy in a similar situation like yours. When the front door opened, I said to himself that I don't know what to say. Ice broken.

doireann08

beertons wrote: »

C could just be scared. I called around to a guy in a similar situation like yours. When the front door opened, I said to himself that I don't know what to say. Ice broken.

Thanks . I texted C and we are meeting on Wednesday

My priority is my Dad . He told me this morning he is scared and he is also worried about the ones he is leaving behind . I don't know what to do/say to make him more at peace . Feel a bit helpless .

witchgirl26

OP. First off I'm so sorry for the news you've gotten. I've been in a very similar position and there is no two ways about it - it sucks.

It does sound like C doesn't know what to say or do to help and doesn't want to impose or push meeting up on you. Maybe just let C know on Wednesday when you meet that you could do with seeing her more often when you're in Dublin. From the sounds of it, it does sound like C cares so let it play out. I know a few of my friends who were more recently made (rather than childhood) weren't able to read me in that situation as well as the childhood ones who'd known me forever.

That said - I won't lie - I lost friends during and after based on actions. It can be a time when you really see who cares for you.

In terms of your dad being worried about the ones he's leaving behind. Let him know you'll be ok. Ask him to give you advice on random things for the future that you would have asked him for. My dad spent a good few weeks looking up cars for me & showing me websites to check out. He felt better knowing that I'd know what to look for, what type of car to learn in etc. He drew up a diagram of the heating controls for my mam (he always set the times etc). They sound like silly things but they gave him piece of mind. He also taught me to rewire a plug!

Look after yourself. It's a horrible time, no lies there but don't be afraid to have a laugh too. I went on more nights out that year than a lot of others as I needed the outlet.

Oh & as for the anger - totally get you and been there. I was angry at everyone including my dad at one point. It's quite natural and normal and 9 years later my temper is still short sometimes. Deep breathes help as corny as it sounds. Take care.

Neyite

doireann08 wrote: »

Thanks . I texted C and we are meeting on Wednesday

My priority is my Dad . He told me this morning he is scared and he is also worried about the ones he is leaving behind . I don't know what to do/say to make him more at peace . Feel a bit helpless .

I'm so sorry about your Dad's illness. It will be difficult for everyone in different ways. May I suggest getting in touch with some of the organisations that could give you support? We got great guidance and tips from a pallative care nurse known to the family. Even if its somewhere for you to offload every once in a while then go back to being strong for your Dad and the rest of the family.

Big Bag of Chips

doireann08 wrote: »

I have a lot of really good friends who I have introduced C to over the last 4 years ( thats how long I know her) She has met up with them since my Dads diagnosis( I was invited too but couldn't face going), but has not called me or even suggested meeting just the two of us.

Doireann, this is an horrendous time for your family. And what I'm going to say might sound callous, but it's not meant to be. You are going through an awful time, but life for everyone outside of your immediate family is just going on as normal. People are going to work, they are meeting up with friends, they are going out, they are laughing and having fun. And you can't expect them to not.

I know from experience when somebody dies those days around the funeral are surreal. I have often thought 'why are all these people going about their business when I am hurting so much? Why is traffic still moving? Why are people going in and out of shops? Why hasn't the world stopped to recognise our loss'. But that's just it, it's our pain to deal with. And friends will be great. They will support you, even if you don't hear from them very often you will be on their mind every day. They will be thinking of you. Some will step forward, some will step back unsure of what is expected. But please don't measure their friendship based on your heightened emotions and their perceived lack of empathy towards you at this time.

Try not to have a preconceived idea of C when you meet up with her on Wednesday. She is a friend, and a good friend at that. Maybe she's not reading you well, but that's not exactly her fault. Especially if she hasn't actually seen you. You've told her you weren't up to meeting, so maybe she took that to mean meeting anyone, not just the group. She has given you the space and communicates to you that she is thinking about you, keeping that door open for when you are ready to face the world. She sounds like a good friend. She's only human though so don't expect her to automatically get it right every time.

I hope you and your family are ok. It's a terrible time, but it's also a nice time to get your priorities straight and to have time to spend concentrating on the things that really matter. Your dad is lucky to have you around, making a fuss of him!

doireann08

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Doireann, this is an horrendous time for your family. And what I'm going to say might sound callous, but it's not meant to be. You are going through an awful time, but life for everyone outside of your immediate family is just going on as normal. People are going to work, they are meeting up with friends, they are going out, they are laughing and having fun. And you can't expect them to not.

I know from experience when somebody dies those days around the funeral are surreal. I have often thought 'why are all these people going about their business when I am hurting so much? Why is traffic still moving? Why are people going in and out of shops? Why hasn't the world stopped to recognise our loss'. But that's just it, it's our pain to deal with. And friends will be great. They will support you, even if you don't hear from them very often you will be on their mind every day. They will be thinking of you. Some will step forward, some will step back unsure of what is expected. But please don't measure their friendship based on your heightened emotions and their perceived lack of empathy towards you at this time.

Try not to have a preconceived idea of C when you meet up with her on Wednesday. She is a friend, and a good friend at that. Maybe she's not reading you well, but that's not exactly her fault. Especially if she hasn't actually seen you. You've told her you weren't up to meeting, so maybe she took that to mean meeting anyone, not just the group. She has given you the space and communicates to you that she is thinking about you, keeping that door open for when you are ready to face the world. She sounds like a good friend. She's only human though so don't expect her to automatically get it right every time.

I hope you and your family are ok. It's a terrible time, but it's also a nice time to get your priorities straight and to have time to spend concentrating on the things that really matter. Your dad is lucky to have you around, making a fuss of him!

Thanks everyone . These messages help a lot . We won't hear about our palliative care options until the 3rd May . That's when my Dad is meeting with the lead oncologist . He doesn't want anyone outside of the immediate family knowing . He also didn't want anyone knowing about the appointment May 3rd apart from my mother . Thanks for the suggestions about the support groups . Haven't joined any yet .Have encouraged my mother to join

We only got the news that he had cancer 4 weeks ago so it's still a bit raw

I was supposed to be going on a long haul 3 week trip in May ( am about to cancel ) but he will go nuts if I cancel as he wants to to continue to "live my life as planned "

witchgirl26

doireann08 wrote: »

I was supposed to be going on a long haul 3 week trip in May ( am about to cancel ) but he will go nuts if I cancel as he wants to to continue to "live my life as planned "

I would really think about going unless there is an immediate need to stay around. I know my dad was adamant that we go on holidays during the year we knew because he didn't want our lives stopping & he loved hearing about them and seeing the photos.

Honestly do consider not cancelling. 4 weeks in, it's still very raw so don't make rash decisions. If you're not comfortable with 3 weeks away, could you shorten it a little?

Neyite

You should go. He wants you to. You'd only be making him feel guilty that his illness prevented you from doing something great.

Set him up with skype and whatsapp video chatting for a little while each day and let him adventure along with you. Send home lots of texts and photos and video clips.

If nothing else, it will be a welcome distraction in his day for him away from cancer and sickness and depressing, morbid thoughts, which he might actually need. It could be very therapeutic for him. He will be up to his eyes in medical jargon and questions in a couple of months and will need some light-hearted distractions.

I had a sick relative who loved to hear about a younger relatives exotic trip. Absolutely lived for the daily updates and descriptions of things they saw. It gave him something to talk about other than his illness, his tablets, his appetite, his pain.

Really reconsider your plans to cancel.

Eimee90

Hi, Op. Sorry for your news. I would imagine its because she doesn't want to impose particularly because your father is so ill.

I mean this in the kindest way, i think you are in over your head. You have been dealt a horrible blow and its incompressible to deal with. You obviously love your dad very much. But i think you are trying to channel all that anger into the people you are closest to.

I dont blame you either. I cant imagine what you are going through. Why not ring your friend.to meet up for coffee. I'd be exactly the same. Nervous about bothering you.

Lux23

My Dad died over two years ago and I was amazed by how some people who I never felt especially close to were very supportive while some of my closer friends were a little bit odd about it. My Mum had the same experience and she made some new friends as a result.

doireann08

Neyite wrote: »

You should go. He wants you to. You'd only be making him feel guilty that his illness prevented you from doing something great.

Set him up with skype and whatsapp video chatting for a little while each day and let him adventure along with you. Send home lots of texts and photos and video clips.

If nothing else, it will be a welcome distraction in his day for him away from cancer and sickness and depressing, morbid thoughts, which he might actually need. It could be very therapeutic for him. He will be up to his eyes in medical jargon and questions in a couple of months and will need some light-hearted distractions.

I had a sick relative who loved to hear about a younger relatives exotic trip. Absolutely lived for the daily updates and descriptions of things they saw. It gave him something to talk about other than his illness, his tablets, his appetite, his pain.

Really reconsider your plans to cancel.

Thanks - I haven't cancelled yet . I can't really shorten it as it's with a tour group across china . I wanted to wait and see what the prognosis was ( turns out we may not find that out until May) I'm not sure as I would feel very guilty going . Plus it is his birthday in May and it might be his last . I honestly don't know . My mother thinks I should go . She also said to speak to my Dad about it . I think he has enough on his plate as it is . I will wait and see . Not sure yet

doireann08

elsa21 wrote: »

Hi, Op. Sorry for your news. I would imagine its because she doesn't want to impose particularly because your father is so ill.

I mean this in the kindest way, i think you are in over your head. You have been dealt a horrible blow and its incompressible to deal with. You obviously love your dad very much. But i think you are trying to channel all that anger into the people you are closest to.

I dont blame you either. I cant imagine what you are going through. Why not ring your friend.to meet up for coffee. I'd be exactly the same. Nervous about bothering you.

Thanks you are all so helpful and right

I have this irrational anger sometimes that my friends and siblings who are abroad are carrying on with their lives . It's nuts ! I am meeting with C next week . But you are right , my emotions are all over the place - which is why I am extra careful about what I say to my friends - I am worried that I could over react to any innocuous comment .

FightingIrish

I was in a similar situation a few years ago when my mam was battling terminal cancer.

I can relate to a lot of what you are experiencing.

Having had almost 3 years to reflect, I know look back at the people who texted me etc at the time but also kept their distance, from experience, these people are only a phone call away if you need them, it might not seem like it to you, but when someone is losing a parent, friends etc step into the shadows until called upon, they know that the time you have with your loved one, every minute of it, is so precious, it's the most valuable and irreplaceable aspect of life, time.

I remember being numbed and looking around me at every one going about their daily business, what you will learn is that, as cruel as it sounds, life goes on, when your parent passes on, you will notice it more, it's a feeling I will never forget, if I could offer any advice its this, cherish the time you have left together, sing, laugh, cry, tell stories, share memories, it Will help you cope more than you know.

Take care of yourself OP, be as strong as you can, reach out to your friends if you need to, even if it's to give you one less thing to be worried about.

witchgirl26

doireann08 wrote: »

Thanks - I haven't cancelled yet . I can't really shorten it as it's with a tour group across china . I wanted to wait and see what the prognosis was ( turns out we may not find that out until May) I'm not sure as I would feel very guilty going . Plus it is his birthday in May and it might be his last . I honestly don't know . My mother thinks I should go . She also said to speak to my Dad about it . I think he has enough on his plate as it is . I will wait and see . Not sure yet

Talk to him about it. Let him know your worries but don't preempt what you think is the "right" thing to do. Would you be away for his birthday? Depending on the type of cancer it might not be his last birthday. Also just to give you a heads up - they will often not give you a timeline as studies showed that people often only live to that timeline if told. They may give a general idea (we were told 12-18 months normal but could be 24) but mostly we found them reluctant.

doireann08 wrote: »

Thanks you are all so helpful and right

I have this irrational anger sometimes that my friends and siblings who are abroad are carrying on with their lives . It's nuts ! I am meeting with C next week . But you are right , my emotions are all over the place - which is why I am extra careful about what I say to my friends - I am worried that I could over react to any innocuous comment .

I had the same towards my brother as he was in the UK with the rest of us here. Turned out he was feeling useless the whole time as with his own family there he couldn't always be here and felt he was missing everything and all the big decisions. Talk to your siblings abroad as they may be in same boat he was. I highly doubt they're just carrying on as normal.

Your friends might be but don't be angry at them. It's not their parent and while they can be there for you, their lives shouldn't stop going as normal. It's tough though when it's so monumental to you. Talk to them about your emotions being all over the place and don't put the stress on yourself watching what you say. I slapped my best friend during a low point while my dad was terminal and her reaction was to hug me. She knew it wasn't normal for me.

Rubberchikken

don't make any decision on your trip until you absolutely have to.
it maybe that you wouldn't truly enjoy it being so far from home at a time like this, but i do understand your parents wanting you to continue on with your life. there isn'/t anything you can do that will change what your dad is going through and he will get enjoyment from seeing you live your life.

i'm really sorry your and your family are dealing with this. it's so tough on everyone and everyone will deal with it differently so be gentle on yourself and take each day as it comes.
take care

Bambi985

Oh OP I'm so sorry for what you're going through. The emotional pain of it all most be so overwhelming. I think projecting anger on your friend is perhaps a lot easier than processing the pain of potentially losing your father and all of the grief that that must carry with it. It's the easier option right now and that's why you're focusing so intently on it.

Be patient with yourself and be patient with your friends too. This one in particular sounds like she cares for you a lot, she is maintaining contact and letting you know she's there without being what she may think is intrusive at such a difficult time. This sort of grief does a funny thing to a lot of people, including those who are indirectly affected. I've been there a few times with friends losing parents and I've felt so useless and inadequate and like I could offer nothing by way of comfort or support, when in reality those little thoughtful texts and cards would mean the world to my friends in time.

I'd suggest perhaps organising a coffee with your friend one-to-one and explain to her that you love her and appreciate your friendship but that you're all over the place emotionally at the moment and to please bear with you. You may snap and get angry and annoyed at her but it's all a part of what you're going through and that you still need her friendship now more than ever. She'll probably feel relieved that you're reaching out like that. She probably feels as useless as I did in the same scenario.

Take care of yourself x

LegacyUser

--been in your shoes --

Hi
Before I start I want to say I feel so sorry for you. I can see where you're coming from because I've been through this. My mother died a year ago after a long illness. That didn't mean that it was a shock when we were told there was nothing more they could do for her and that palliative care was the next step. Emotionally I was all over the place and I can see you are too. I felt I had to make a few points though.

I live nearly 2 hours away from the nursing home my mother was in. When we were told she was going to die, I drove up and down from home after work 2-3 times a week. I don't want to make it sound like I'm complaining but it was mentally, physically and financially draining. I was wrecked in the mornings going into work and I had a lot of disturbing dreams. I wasn't living a happy carefree life in the days when I wasn't going to visit mum. I would be very angry and hurt if I thought that the rest of the family were judging me because I wasn't visiting her every day. Every time I said goodbye to mum I used to wonder was it the last time I'd see her alive. The way things turned out in the end I was with her when she died. If I hadn't have been I would have been Ok with that too. I made sure nothing was left unsaid and that I would not have regrets. Not being there very day does not mean I loved mum any less.

I think you are being very unfair to C. When awful situations like yours arise, many people don't know what to say or do. If I was her I would do the very same thing. What she's looking for is an indication about what to do next. I didn't know until it happened how I would handle mum's impending death. I certainly didn't expect any of my friends to second-guess me.

About 10 years ago when mum was first diagnosed with her illness, my father was diagnosed with cancer. He was fine as it turns out but it was a tough few months. During that time one of my oldest and closest friends cut contact with me. I remember thinking at the time that if only she'd sent me a text to ask how things were going, I would have been grateful. Other friends sent texts and they meant a lot to me. I never like to intrude unless I'm invited to and that is why I am a text sending person. I think that is where C is coming from too.

doireann08

Thanks everyone

My dad happened to bring up the trip himself yesterday .
My heart broke when he said that he hoped his illness hadn't inconvenienced me too much
I reassured him that I was at home because I wanted to be home and spend time with him. He did say that I should go on the trip as I may not get the chance again

My brother also agreed and said that my father would be upset if I cancelled . My mother also agreed so it looks like I will be going for now

Thanks for all your kind words

Ghekko

doireann08 wrote: »

Thanks . I texted C and we are meeting on Wednesday

My priority is my Dad . He told me this morning he is scared and he is also worried about the ones he is leaving behind . I don't know what to do/say to make him more at peace . Feel a bit helpless .

Of course he's bound to be scared - it's a horrible time for you all. I don't know how open you feel you can be regarding talking to him about his illness. My mum passed after a very short illness just over a year ago. We reassured her that we would all be ok and that we would look after dad. He died recently but knew we were all ok. He was anxious about our husbands work situations - old fashioned views! - but nonetheless it was his way of wanting to know we'd all be ok going forward. Some people are good at discussing these issues, others not so much. Have a word with his palliative care nurse about his fears. They are trained to talk to people about this, spiritual issues, as well as deal with the practical side of pain medication etc. They could also open a conversation while you are there in case your dad has financial worries etc.

As for friends hope friend C was just giving you space. I'd say that's all it was. All bar one of my friends has been in touch since dad died - I do find it strange that one hasn't but won't dwell on it.

Ghekko

Sorry just read back and see palliative care are not on board yet. Don't be surprised or upset if they are involved from the start - mil was diagnosed in 2013 and palliative care visited her regularly soon afterwards. We were freaked out a bit but it's not like years ago when they only come in for the last while. She lived for 2 and half years after diagnosis and had a good relationship with her nurse.

retro:electro

I am in the same boat as you op and I understand how you feel. It's a strange time and your head is all over the place. Personally I find that one day I could be angry inside at my friends and their lack of communication to me and another day I'd be thinking to myself "would ye ever back off and give me space". Its a confusing time for you but its also a tricky space for them to be in. As far as I can see she has let you know that she's there for you if you need her. She may not want to smother you. I wish you well and I hope you get through this okay x

doireann08

Update

My dad has taken a turn for the worse and he was told yesterday to sort out his affairs . I feel so lost and alone . My heart is breaking . I can't stop crying

cactusgal

doireann08 wrote: »

Update

My dad has taken a turn for the worse and he was told yesterday to sort out his affairs . I feel so lost and alone . My heart is breaking . I can't stop crying

Oh, OP I'm so sorry for you. Truly sorry. I'm so sad to read that. I also have a terminally ill parent (and yes, have experienced the pain of friends not caring/reacting in the way I think they should), so I've an idea of how you feel. Just try to spend as much time with him as you can. You sound like a wonderful daughter, and I'm sure you're bringing him peace and comfort during this time. Take care xx

Stopped Clock

I'm so so sorry to see what you're going through. No words anyone can say to you will help much at this time.

I went through something a little like this last year with my mother. She had been ill for a long time so it wasn't as short a time-frame as you're looking at here. Still, nothing can prepare you for the shock of realising that this is it and she's on her way out Your poor dad must be devastated as well so try to be strong for him. He's got to be scared of what lies ahead and is worried for you all. Spend as much time with him as you can and don't leave anything unsaid. Don't be worrying about what your siblings are or aren't doing. This is between you and your dad now. Also, try not to look ahead into the abyss and worrying about the future. It'll happen in its own good time and you can deal with it then. Live in the here and now and enjoy your dad while you have him. xx

Rubberlegs

So sorry to read that doireann08. I lost my Dad to mesothelioma in 2010, and unfortunately recently learned my mother's cancer has returned after nearly 20 years cancer free. I can appreciate what you are going through. Take care of yourself.

Ghekko

Aw you poor thing. It's a tough time. As regards his affairs, has he mentioned anything himself? It's a difficult conversation to start but he may prefer to have things in order financially so as he won't have that worry on his mind. Hope your siblings manage to get time to help out now but if not try not to stress. Do what you can do to be there and spend time with him.

Katgurl

I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the pain.

doireann08

Thanks everyone for your kind messages - it means a lot.

I am on the waiting list for counselling at the University Hospital cancer support unit. I hope that will help. I don't really want to be burdening my friends with my thoughts and concerns - I have tried not to talk about everything too much. Hard to know what to do

Some friends have been great, however I feel a bit let down by C. When we met after I got the news - I mentioned that I really appreciate when I get a phone call the odd time to check in or if a friend suggests meeting up from time to time.

She never phones and its always me asking to meet up. To be fair Im not in Dublin a lot so I do get that its up to me to let her know when I am in Dublin.

I let her know last week I was in Dublin for from Sat to Thursday if she was up for meeting and I haven't heard back from her at all. We have met up twice on our own since I got the news. But i feel let down. I have supported her and been there for her when she needed it but I feel hurt by her lact of response at all, even to say she's not free.

Stopped Clock

Oh you poor pet While you're waiting for an appointment at the hospital, would you consider calling The Samaritans? Their contact details are here http://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us Please don't try to carry this burden alone. I'm not a person who has a lot of friends but the ones I have saved my sanity when mum was ill. It helped that my two closest friends had lost their parents and knew what I was going through.

I'm sorry C has let you down but there might be a genuine reason for it. Some people simply aren't good at dealing with emotionally upsetting situations like yours. She also might be dreading the day her parents aren't around and your story's hitting too close to home for comfort. The other alternative isn't as rosy. Maybe she's gone. I hope that's not the case. I still feel a little sad that one of my oldest friends ghosted me at a time of my life when I could've done with a friend. I was angry for a long time over it but now I feel sad. She now lives abroad and reached out to me on Facebook a few years ago. I was so mad I deleted the message on the spot and blocked her. Now that mum's gone, I sometimes wonder should I have given her a second chance instead of burning that bridge? I was one of the youngest people in my peer group to have a seriously ill parent and that made me different to the others.

You know what your friends are like so trust your judgement. There might be some within their number who want to help and who want to listen. You're going through an utterly awful time. Sometimes during these dark days, unlikely people step forward to help.

Addle

You know what C is like, so why are you still setting yourself up for disappointment with her?
Just stop.
Focus on your dad. Don't have any regrets.

Ursus Horribilis

Addle wrote: »

You know what C is like, so why are you still setting yourself up for disappointment with her?
Just stop.
Focus on your dad. Don't have any regrets.

Exactly! It looks like it's time to face the reality that C's not the friend you thought she was. You've made it clear to her that you'd like to meet up or hear from her. If she's not (and it appears that she isn't), then it's time to step back. When you have met up, have you gone on a lot about your dad's illness? Maybe she has come to dread meeting you because she'll be hearing all about cancer and palliative care and all the other stuff that goes along with having a terminally ill parent.

Regardless of her reasons, it appears that C's not going to be there for you. So for your own sanity, stop trying to push a friendship that isn't there. It's only going to hurt you more. You've got enough on your plate with your dad's illness.