Sisters lying and keeping secrets!

koumi

Hey op, I've four sisters too and they all used facebook to communicate and organise stuff between themselves all the time, all my siblings have an account but I don't use it at all which made me sort of non included for most stuff. It's been that way for years though and while at first it was a bit difficult,things have eased back to some kind of normality and many of them are leaving FB behind too, using it less and less for whatever reason. I closed my account two years ago and disconnecting from it meant disconnecting from everything that went with it and that included all the drama and information I would otherwise have been privy to.

Being aware that there is a world going on that you are not involved in can make you feel alone and isolated and I can understand that you may feel a sense of betrayal by not feeling included otherwise in their lives but I know they have had their own problems over the years too and to be honest as long as I still contact them by phone and see my nieces and nephews every now and then I'm good with that.

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sistersM wrote: »

Another thing happened before where my sister was supposed to have "depression " and they were all lying to me.It eventually came out.

Well looking at how you've phrased that, that's one mystery that solves itself tbh.

You say that it's not the keeping things private as such that hurts you, it's the fact that you're the only one who's kept out of the loop, which is very understandable, I don't want to downplay how upsetting this is for you. But you're not seeming to question why it's only you. I see a few options:

1) they're bitches and they're doing it on purpose to be hurtful or spiteful, hopefully not the case and probably the least likely, but it's definitely possible.
2) they're busy/inconsiderate/a bit of both, and there's some innocent explanation, it's just coincidental that it keeps ending up being you rather than anything personal (for reasons like you're not on facebook, you live further away, you have a different lifestyle to them and they've just ended up closer).
3) there is a specific reason that they all don't want to share news with you. Something in your relationship and how you get along.

To try and figure out which one it is you're going to have to take a long view I think. Has this always been the dynamic, like back in yer teens? If it's new, when did it start to develop and did that coincide with anything else? Was there any big change in circumstances (them starting to settle down and have kids for example, or you moving) or any big bust up?

At the end of the day you can't force them to change how they interact with you, and again I don't to brush off the hurt you're feeling. Trying to catch them out and prove that they've been lying or withholding information would I think be the very definition of counterproductive; keep going like you're going and they'll not tell you anything at all ever.

The advice you're leaning towards- being non committal in your answers to questions, not keeping up so much effort when it's so one-sided - is good, but I wouldn't think of it as 'beating them at their own game', to me the whole thing sounds like a pretty hassly family dynamic, all this she-said, he-said, she-said, I-texted, whatsapp-group-drama thing all the time. Just take a step back and a deep breath and adjust your expectations for your family relationships.

Passtheremote

I think we've all been guilty at times of expecting too much from family - i.e. we are family therefore x y and z should be how things are.

Its nice to think we can be friends with siblings/uncles/aunts/cousins etc but sometimes they don't want to be friends/friendly with us, or do things that make a closer relationship not possible. Unfortunately you can't force or expect relationships with people to go in a certain way, including family members who are persons in their own right first and families sometimes have quite "unique" dynamics which makes things even more difficult.

Sometimes you just gotta see stuff for how it really is and adjust your own path and familial relationships so you can keep your own sense of self and stay sane!

Big Bag of Chips

I know that you have said you're very quiet, and not nosey etc, but I get the impression you are quite dismissive of others and may be even a bit opinionated, possibly without realising it.

In your posts you've dismissed your sisters right to plan things with their partners/children. You've dismissed their hobbies or interests. You've dismissed your sister's depression. You've dismissed all posters who didn't immediately take your side. You're opinionated about how they spend their weekends or annual leave entitlement. You're opinionated about their partners families and their availability for childminding duties.

Maybe they dint think you're as quiet as you think you are?

As a general rule if 1 person has a problem with everybody else they meet, maybe it's not everybody else that is the problem.

I honestly don't want to take a dig at you. But it might be something worth considering. As mentioned above, there is just the chance that they are a pack of bitches and you're better off out of it. But if that's the case then you should feel a relief to be away from them all. You will never change or influence their behaviour (if they are just being bitchy) so you're better off maintaining a civil and polite distance and finding out general news as you have been from others.

LegacyUser

When I found out my sis left job after two days.I was asking another sis about it and she started quizzing me on things she already knew trying to get more information! !!


The sis had told me her sis in law called her lied to me and told me she had said nothing and just hung up.
I asked her and said she didn't have to tell me if she didn't want to but instead of just saying that she lied instead.
Like she told me herself she rang.

Another sis comes down to visit and I am certain she keeps things from me on purpose.I know so

Just to make it clear it's all sisters that know everything even the other one that lives away also.


Anyway, I think there might be a bit inconsiderate and slightly trying to have one up on me.

I am.most definitely not opinionated.
I partly think maybe they don't tell me as I am not good enough to tell.

It's definitely not coincidental as it has happened so many times now.

I will be non-committal from now on.

amtc

I really wasn't going to comment on this. I'm an only child but shared this thread with my mother who is eldest of seven...four sisters. I'm really close to one and my mother's cousin. My mother is close to two of her sisters. Just family dynamics. She's closest to youngest even though grew up 12k miles away from each other but both independent women whereas others very child oriented.

But...I think you need to get over yourself. There is no need for them to check in with you! They have built their own lives. You make it sound like you are difficult to be around. All you're short of is requiring a diary reconciliation.

What about building more of a relationship with your nieces and nephews? Being fun and go to auntie could integrate you more.

Birdsong

OP I wouldn't think anything is intentional with your sisters. I have two sisters, both teachers. They have way more in common with each other than with me. They go on holiday together because they are off together. I can't take a month off in the summer as I work in the private sector. I would not expect them to be filling me in on all their conversations and plans. I don't need to know. Once I saw on Facebook that they were away for mid term!!

Build your own life and engage with them when you need to. They're your sisters not friends.

LegacyUser

There has been numerous lies..
I asked my sis what did sis in law say.She lied and said she rang and hung up phone.

I asked her when interview was in conversation.She lied and said had not got date.

Another sis pretended not to know anything about my sis who left job after a day or so and was real sneaky trying to get extra informatiom from me.I had nothing to tell.

Numerous more lies but I don't think ppl can see it's not the not being told it's the lies

Anyway as ye say I'll keep things to myself from now on.
Tell them when I'm back in country after hols etc
It works both ways.

dee_mc

So you'd be ok with it if you asked a personal question of one of your sisters and she replied 'no, I'm not telling you that' you'd accept it? You'd be ok with them not telling you stuff you wanted to know, as long as they told you straight out that they didn't want to share the information?
I don't think it's true that it's about the lies, I think you're hurt because they don't want to share the minutae of their lives with you (and as you've said numerous times, because they happily share those details with each other).

Miaireland

OP I think you are mixing up lies with not being told things that are none or your business.

For example in regards to your sister in law not attending the wedding you should not have asked why. You put your sister in an awkard position and I can understand why she said she just hung up.

I have a family member who we limit telling information and things to. Something as simple as saying I must do a shop later will results in 20 pointless questions and to honest it gets tiring.

retro:electro

sistersMC wrote: »

There has been numerous lies..
I asked my sis what did sis in law say.She lied and said she rang and hung up phone.

I asked her when interview was in conversation.She lied and said had not got date.

Another sis pretended not to know anything about my sis who left job after a day or so and was real sneaky trying to get extra informatiom from me.I had nothing to tell.

Numerous more lies but I don't think ppl can see it's not the not being told it's the lies

Anyway as ye say I'll keep things to myself from now on.
Tell them when I'm back in country after hols etc
It works both ways.

1. You had no right to ask her what her phone conversation was about.
2. Maybe he didn't have a date at the time you asked
3. Maybe she didn't know anything about her leaving her job. Why is it considered "sneaky" when she asks you things, but acceptable for you to ask them personal things?
4. Nobody is lying to you. Keeping personal information to themselves isn't lying.
5. Ya I think that's for the best.

Neyite

Mod:

Twill,
your post was deleted as it falls short of the standard expected by posters. We don't permit posters to take swipes at each other. If you have an issue with a post or a poster in PI report the post and let a mod deal with it.

EmmaH1997

I feel like most of the posters are not being understanding . As the OP says its not the not being told - its that she's is being lied to by her family. OP my question is has your family dynamic always been like this with everyone being close to each other and not close to you ? Was there some fall out that led to you being left out ?

And if I were you,I would tell them nothing and just honestly again if I were you, I would be feeling quite hurt by the family and would just not speak to them.No dramatic fight but if they're not going to include you, you don't include them. Find your own "family" of friends and for your own sanity just deal with your sisters as little as possible .

I'm feel sorry that only a few of the commenters has emphasised with your situation

LegacyUser

1. I asked as she had told me she rang.I also told her she did not have to tell me but no had to lie instead.

2. He had as previously mentioned

3. She knew all about her leaving the job.This sister is renowned for getting extra information from ppl. Is sneaky.

4. Yes, ppl.are lying to me... again as above...

Thanks Emma. Some ppl are like sheep.

LegacyUser

The 3 youngest have always been close but I don't mind that in the slighest.Used never be singled out and lied to before.
My other sister that lives away always gets told everything.
It's just me that is left out.
The one that lives away is v confident, size 8, pretty and knows it.Is that why she gets told everything.I dunno.

There has been no fall out.
Defo keeping things to myself from now on.
If I told one person something.The whole family would know.

I told one sister I was going out with someone im the past and they all knew almost immediately.
It didn't bother me but it just goes to show the family dynamics.

charlietheminxx

OP I get your frustration but myself and others have taken time to give you advice, which is what you said you were looking for. It's not nice to refer to us as sheep. You can keep giving out about your sisters and you only seem to see it from one perspective but it isn't going to change the relationship and it doesn't seem positive for you. Lots of people aren't close to their families but they create another support network of friends and loved ones. Focus on building those relationships with good, positive people.