Turning 30 and feel like a failure.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone.

Thanks for taking the time to read this.il give a bit of backround on myself,as the title says im turning 30 soon and im feeling like a complete failure.
Relationship wise ive been single nearly two years,i was going out with my ex for 3 years and was devastated when we broke up,soon after she start seeing a guy who lives close by and they have gone travelling together.
Ive been on a few dates in the mean time but to be honest i compare the girl im on a date with to my ex and i know its not fair on the person.i just feel like il never move on,ive been told alot over the years that im "handsome" and "that i love myself" but this is the complete opposite of what i feel on the inside.

Career wise i feel like ive really let myself down and wasted years,at the moment i work a driving job where i work my own hours and am self employed,so sometimes i can make decent money,im doing this 3 years now.before that i done a diploma in fitness and personal training,i trained my friends leading up to there wedding a few years ago and they were so happy with there results,im in good shape myself but ive never had the self belief to pursue it more,im really passionate about it but its just this anxiety that gets in the way.

Socially i dont really drink anymore and that means ive drifted away alot of my childhood friends as they have all start settling down,kids,houses etc and they go down the local if there going out and i really dont enjoy being down there so i stopped going,ever since i stopped going i realised thats all we done together.i go the gym alot and there i probaly look the most sociable,as in talking to the people who work there.

Basically i feel like im just watching life go by,in the past few years ive realised ive suffered bad with social anxiey and have avoided the things that i really want,as a result of avoiding things it feels like its caught up with me and i feel so empty,when me and my ex broke up i went to bali for 6 weeks on my own and done an exam i put off for years and passed.

I feel so stuck and like a failure,any honest advice would be hugely appreciated

Sorry for the long winded post.

foxylaydee

Lol... you think you're a failure. You are far more successful than me and I'm also turning 30 this year.

I always knew what I wanted to do in life, got the grades, went to uni but then the recession hit and I haven't been able to secure long term employment. It's completely shattered my confidence in ever getting work. Like, I've spent the past hour sitting here crying my eyes out. Yesterday, I did the same.

You have employment, seems to be a good one at that.

I also have social anxiety. The fact that I don't have full time work really gets me down and I think people think less of me (including my family) because I'm not fully employed. They tell me stories of how so and so has got work now or moved abroad or changed careers....

I was going out with a guy a few years ago. He broke my heart. I have no idea where he is now. Plenty of people have told me that I need to get over him and it seems like you need to get over this ex of yours too. Many people will say to pick up a new hobby, join a dating site or even those meetup groups can be good too.

Plus, I also think you should pursue a side line career in personal training. See how it goes. Sounds like it will be successful, given the fact you've already worked with a married couple.

I hope this helps. I just thought I'd post to give you some help, seeing as I'm in a similar boat myself.

Airyfairy12

Im sorry youre both going through this @OP and Foxylaydee but im glad im not the only one in this situation, it seems to be pretty common for people late 20's/30's these days, we were the generation hit hardest by recession.
I second having a side career in fitness, even just as a hobby and get involved in things, start building on your likes and interests and things that make you happy, it might help your confidence.

hytrogen

Dude you're not even thirty, if it's settling that beckons go rattle the old pair for some shillings towards a house like every other millenial is doing now and make the nest or else grab a one way ticket and go globe trotting for all that time you've missed out on by being in a relationship during your sunshine years.
I can't understand how everyone in Ireland thinks turning thirty is game over, for a man there's plenty of time in the tank, I know for women it's a ticking time bomb in terms of kids etc.

childsplay

OP, your thirtieth birthday marked a milestone in your life. I think it's the point their lives at when most people feel that they should be sorted in life, should have found a life partner, should have bought a house etc. The key word in that sentence is should. However, that's not the way it happens for a lot of people and then they feel as you do - like they've failed somehow.

The truth is that the current generation of people who are late twenties or early thirties probably aren't going to be sorted by thirty or maybe even forty. Financially, at least. I have been through it - bought a house, got the mortgage, lost my job, lost the house and became a bankrupt - I'm 35. I felt like l had failed totally and utterly. So l know where you are coming from.

I also suffered from bouts of social anxiety, still do at times. I found seeing a councillor to be useful. She was a cbt trained councillor and thought me methods of managing and coping with the anxiety. I had to find new ways of being with my friends because like your case, our main pastime was socialising in the pub and l didn't want to do that anymore. I made new friends through a local club and it gave me a way to be with friends away from the pub.

I would also say that you need to be good to yourself right now. Take care to eat, sleep and rest properly. Exercise too - sounds like you're doing all this so just keep it going.

Finally, don't worry about what other people think of you. Those that mind don't matter. Those that matter don't mind. Surround yourself with supportive and positive people and avoid the negative nellys like the plague. They will only reinforce how you feel and make it worse.

You have all the answers. You know what you need. You might just need a hand to find those answers. Good luck with it all.

Ursus Horribilis

Going by what you've written here, you're far from being a failure. You are coming across as a guy who's very down on himself and stuck in a rut. One thing you keep mentioning is the anxiety. Are you getting help for that? I think that would be the first step to take here.

You don't seem to value yourself. In terms of meeting a new girlfriend, how can you do so when you're so clearly unhappy in yourself? For now I think it would be better to work on other aspects of your life before you try dating again. It's not fair on you and it's not far on the ladies you're meeting.

Career wise, why do you say you've let yourself down? You don't appear to be in a bad place in terms of what you do, unless you hate the driving job? From what I can see, you're ideally poised to make a go of that personal training diploma you did. What do you have to lose if you give it a go and it doesn't work out? You can always have the driving as a back-up plan. Why not do some research into what you'd need to do to set up as a personal trainer? Finding out information never hurt anyone.

Being single when your friends start settling down can be an isolating thing. This is where you need to start trying to meet people through other avenues. There have to be people in the same boat as you. I've seen www.meetup.com mentioned a lot here. You could also try joining fitness related clubs. As an occasional gym member, I've never viewed it as a way to make friends but maybe I'm wrong. What sort of relationship do you have with the people in the gym. Do you think you could become better friends with them or is it a very superficial thing?

Being 30 seems to bother some people a lot. I'm not sure why because it's only a number. You're still a young man who has lots and lots of life ahead of you. You don't have to let it pass you by if you don't want it to.

LegacyUser

First of all i want to thank everybody here for taking the time to reply,its refreshing to get some outside perspective.

Ursus,you so right,i do need to feel happy in myself before i start dating anyone else,its just that to be honest ive never really felt good enough in myself,an example of this would be people always told me i was a great footballer but id always play it down or even with the personal training i would talk other trainers up and kind of say "ah im alright " about myself.

The social anxiety has been a big issue,i went to two counsellors,they were nice and i was very open with them but i didnt see a huge change,thats not their fault though as i need to push myself more
i have to say with the isolation part,it does get tough.one friend i was very close to always made little remarks in his company that always stuck with me and bothered me,if i said i was going to do something or i was going to that,he d always talk it down in a half joking way or he would always talk other friends down behind there back (ha ha i sound like a teenage girl here) but it just really bothered me,where other people would just let it slide.i should really grow a thicker skin.thanks ursus

Childsplay great advice thank you
Airfairy thank you
Hytrogen thanks
Foxyladee you are far from a failure,you sound like a bright and determined person,your not working at present but keep trying you will get there

cactusgal

Just wanted to say , OP, from your posts, you come across as a very kind and decent person. Keep your chin up - 30 is so young, you have to believe in yourself. Love yourself, I know it can be hard sometimes!

LegacyUser

Cactusgal thanks i appreciate that,i have to say comments on here really do make a difference.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

Wompa1

Figure out what it is you want and work on it. Do what it takes to get it.

LegacyUser

Life coaching is great advice,i was thinking that a couple of months ago,i think a few people here could be life coaches,ive wrote down alot of the advice given on here.