Living with someone who is depressed

LegacyUser

I am early 20s and living in a house share with my friend. She has always been a little anxious/shy but things have spiralled within the past year.

She's extremely depressed, withdrawn and has severe anxiety about everything you could imagine. I feel terrible for her and I know it's not easy to live with things like this but she's becoming very hard to deal with and I can feel it effecting me and bringing me down (I don't mean for this to sound harsh).

I have convinced her to go to counselling at our university (this was a long struggle, but she is now going twice a week, reluctantly), but as far as she tells me she sits in total silence for the hour each time. She doesn't speak to anyone else at college (I also feel like people have stopped approaching me to say hi at college because she is always stuck to me like glue and goes completely mute whenever anyone approaches us and it can be quite uncomfortable). We have gone on nights out to the pub and she will sit next to me and has to have her shoulder touching mine and will not speak for the entire night. I mentioned to her kindly that if she was uncomfortable on nights out there was no pressure to go but she doesn't want to be in the house on her own. Since this (around February) I've stopped going on nights out (half because of how her actions unnerve me, especially while drunk, and half because people have really stopped inviting us).

I have a part time job and when I come home she will often be sitting in my bedroom waiting for me, or will be waiting outside work. If I need to run to the shop, she comes. If I need to spend the day at college when she has no classes, she comes. When I got my hair cut last month, she asked to come and sit with me. She regularly cries/has panic attacks in lectures and labs at college, and almost always cries when a particular lecturer who is strict about attendance approaches her.

I have suggested many, many things she can do or that I will do with her to try and overcome this but I am out of ideas. It would be so cruel of me to move out, and she does not want to move to a bigger house share where we would have more housemates. There are anxiety/depression support groups at college but she won't go. There are other groups in our city but she won't go. She would not join any clubs or societies at the beginning of the college year with me.

On my side of things, I am tired. The house is so depressing, and she does not clean dishes, open windows, or clean her room. She barely showers, and can sleep for up to 14 hours. I often have to wake her up for classes etc. I feel like I have no friends. I know that other people don't want her around - I find that unfair but at the same time I can see why. I would feel so rotten if I went and did things with other people, without her. She takes it personally, and I am afraid to leave her alone (I don't know if this is an over reaction on my part as she has never made any mention of suicide whatsoever. More than anything else she is just so numb all the time, no emotions).

I am at the point where work is a 'break' to me, and lectures are a break from having a constant shadow. I was a 'normal' young person before this and now I feel like a total outcast. I have to bring her to and 'collect her' from the counselling service twice a week, and meet her in between her classes during the day. If I am in a class, she will sit in a locked toilet cubicle for an hour. I'm feeling a frustration and anger against her bubbling up but I haven't acted on it because I know she is struggling. I don't know what to do anymore and I personally think that she has reached the point where she is just not able for college right now, and should possibly be at home (she has a good family life, and a close family).

Where do I go from here? Can I go to the counselling service at my college to tell them I am worried/not able anymore? The college year is ending so I don't know what they would be able to do, and we are also in our final year. I have contemplated talking to her parents, but I don't think they would take me seriously/take her anxiety problem very seriously in general. I think they tell her to 'get over it' a lot and do not really believe in it. I also know my friend would be so angry with me, but I'm at my wits end. If I can't do anything for her, what can I do for myself? I need to get out of the house, without her thinking that I am purposely excluding her or that I'm 'sick' of her. I'm finding it so hard to find a balance.

Neyite

I think you need to talk to her parents. She isn't your responsibility and you are not equipped to deal with her illness. This is too much of a burden for you and not what you signed up for. She needs professional help - if I thought my kid was at college being this ill and steadily getting worse without me knowing, I'd be frantic. And I'd be forever grateful for the maturity of her flatmate in contacting me.

It might end your friendship, but tbh, there really isn't a friendship here. You are her emotional crutch and using you like this is bad for both of you. If she gets help and gets better she will come to understand you did act in her best interests. Back when I was in college we had to do similar with a good friend. She was furious with us at the time we called her mother, but after a few weeks and a bit of therapy she understood it came from a place of concern, she recovered, and the friendship was not affected.

Big Bag of Chips

You have to do something about this. Reading your post the one thing I thought was you need to go to her counsellor and tell them what she isn't telling them. They can't help her if she won't help herself, but equally you can't help her either. And harsh as it sounds, by allowing her to do all these things you are just enabling her to continue to not face it. It's something that most people do when faced with a person with difficulties. We think we are helping them to manage, when the reality is we're just holding them back from sorting themselves out.

You are not responsible for her.

The very least you should do is go speak to her counsellor. I'm not sure if they would be ethically allowed contact her parents. They might contact her GP. They may not be able to specifically discuss her sessions with you, but they may be able to offer YOU advice on how to handle the situation you are in.

Do you have contact details for her parents? I would be contacting them as a matter of urgency. Maybe even by letter so that you say what needs to be said, without getting distracted or risk of minimising it, and it will give her parents a chance to read and re-read what you say, rather than hearing a conversation once and maybe mishearing, or recalling something not exactly as you described it.

HalloweenJack

Talk to her parents or her councillor ASAP. You're a good friend but it's not your job to look after her.

Your friend refuses to deal with her problem and is turning it into your problem as well. You cannot go on like this, you've said it's negatively affecting you. You may think it's not right for you to stop supporting her but what she's doing isn't right either.

Airyfairy12

It sounds like she's totally regressed and is using you as a surrogate parent. It must be so hard for you but if it were me id go to the college counsellor that she's seeing and explain everything thats going on and ask for advice. Its your last year and realistically youve only got about a month and a half left so her leaving college isnt an option, you said yourself her parents wont take it seriously, ive parents that dont take mental health seriously either and if theyre anyway similar there really is no point in contacting them.

Tigger99

Airyfairy you don't know for sure if their parents would react the same as yours. OP maybe your friends parents are more concerned than you realise. For your own mental health you have to reach out to them to see. I'd suggest reaching out to the college too. Your friend may well be angry with you but she's put you in an incredibly unfair position. You are a good friend but this is more than one person can take on. She needs mental health professionals.

I'd also suggest reaching out to your other friends. I'm sure they've guessed that something is wrong. It'd be a shame to end your final year in college being as isolated as you have been, though I understand why.

tea and coffee

It sounds as though she needs serious medical help. You've done a lot for her and sound like a really caring person, but she needs the big guns.
This is not normal behaviour, you know that of course, and you arent equipped to deal with that *I don't mean this in a mean way, most people wouldn't be, I certainly wouldn't be!
I'd call her parents or encourage her to see a GP. TBH, sitting in a toilet cubicle while you go to lectures, waiting for you outside work etc is very extreme. It sounds like she is quite ill.

LimeFruitGum

The Captain Awkward site is a great resource on how to have a Talk with people in your life who have depression and other diagnoses.

I was in a similar situation to you years ago and after a particularly weird week, I called her parents; this was way beyond my class/housemate 'pay grade'. Now I was bawling my eyes out on the call from the stress of it all, but it worked and it was such a relief to have done it. It was hard picking up the phone, but I had a mate with me for support.
In fairness, the parents got into the car straight away and brought her home. She took a year out from college after that for treatment. The uni was very supportive. The longer you put it off, the longer she goes without professional help.

Parchment

You sound like an amazing person but you need to care for yourself here. Contact her parents or if you dont know them speak to a lecturer in college or to her counsellor if you know them.

You dont need to carry this burden - as others have said, she is not your responsibility. You have a . responsibility to yourself and your own well being. The right thing to do is let the appropriate people know about her problems and remove yourself from the situation.

Ursus Horribilis

I have nothing new to add to this but I thought I'd chip in and also say that you've been a fantastic friend to this girl. There are so many people out there who would dearly love to have someone as considerate, patient and caring as you in their lives. I'm glad that you started this thread though, because it's time something else was tried with your friend. As the others have rightly pointed out, you've not just become her crutch but have unwittingly been enabling her. She doesn't have to say anything to the counsellor because you've become it. And no more than the rest of us, you're not equipped to deal with the issues she has. I think if her parents are contacted by someone from the college, it'll add a lot more gravitas to the situation. Regardless of what their attitude towards her issues are, they're unlikely to dismiss them.

Just in case you're doubting yourself, you are not being selfish or a sh*tty friend in any way. I'm not surprised that you're drained or feel the way you do after everything you've been through. You've done your bit and it's time for you to look after you. At some stage the plug has to be pulled on this situation and it's never going to be easy. Arguably, it'll get harder as time goes on. By doing it while you're still at college, you've the chance to hand the problem over to people who will have more experience at handling these sorts of issues. Your friend's problems are getting worse so for her sake it's good that someone's calling a halt to this. Best of luck to you

zoobizoo

As the previous poster said, well done on being there for your friend.

I've been through twenty years of looking out for a friend with different symptoms and you have been patient compassionate and have gone far beyond what many others would do in similar situations.

The family need to be notified and hopefully they will take it from there.

You also need to look after yourself and get your own life back.

Emme

OP well done on being there for your friend. You can't do any more for her than what you're doing and she's starting to drag you down. I don't mean that in a bad way. If you can tell her parents what is going on. Also it might be a good idea to speak to her counsellor in college.

If the college year is ending she will probably be going home anyway. I would advise you to do more things for yourself next year in college. Don't be guilt tripped into booking accommodation for just the two of you again. Move into a shared house with more people. You don't want to get into this situation again.

You probably don't want to lose her friendship but she is more dragging out of you than anything. She isn't able to be a friend to anyone. Do what you can for her but you need to look after yourself too or else your college work and your job will suffer.

Ghekko

You poor thing. You are not obliged to take on her care and it's very unfair on you now to be missing out on your college life, nights out etc because of her. You need to make a break. Definitely contact her family - are they really that close if they cannot see what's going on? Let them deal with the counsellors etc. None of that is your responsibility. I'd go as far as writing things down so they in turn can pass on your concerns to her counsellor, rather than have you involve yourself further. As suggested sort out separate accommodation for next September. By the sounds of things she's unlikely to start back given her level of anxieties. I'd be surprised if she was well enough, even with intensive counselling, by then. For her sake and her sanity she should think about taking time out to sort out her mental health and leave college for another year or so. But none of her issues should be holding you back.

kunst nugget

It sounds like you've tried to be a good friend but friendships are a two way street and this girl is an emotional vampire. I can appreciate from your description of her that she is very ill but it is not up to you to look after her. Contact her parents straight away - whether they take mental health issues seriously or not is really not your concern - you can not and should not shoulder the burden of this. There is a point where you have to look after your own health, well-being and happiness without having to constantly suffer from the extreme emotional manipulation of this girl.