Telling housemate we're all leaving...

LegacyUser

TL;DR - how do we tell housemate we are moving out without him?

Background:
There are 4 of us in the house - all single professionals & have lived together for 2 years. We were all friends in college so knew each other before living together.

3 of us get on very well. However, one of the guys is a pig - messy, not pleasant in either hygiene or personality, doesn't shower often, never washes his clothes, deliberately lies etc.
(turns out you only really find out what some people are like when you live with them...).

We did talk to him about this at one point and while this has improved his behaviour somewhat (he stopped stealing food, attempted to clean up [albeit poorly]) a lot of the issues persist (at a lower level).

As it's an equal house-share we can't kick him out so the only option is for the 3 of us to find a new place (without him).

How should we word this to him? While we are not at all interested in preserving the friendship (ship has sailed long ago), I do appreciate that a certain courtesy needs to be given.

We would like to tell him soon to give him the maximum notice. Potential issues:
- he may have little incentive to tidy if he's being left out (e.g. his room which we will have to clean to get deposit back)
- similarly, paying bills / rent for period we are still in house
- we have to live side-by-side with him for at least a month after telling him, so awkwardness should be expected

Appreciate what we are doing is not 'nice' however we have put up with it for long enough, he clearly doesn't respect us and given we pay as much rent as he does we deserve to live in a nice environment.

Faith

Do you need to tell him that you're all moving in together? "Hey john, just FYI but myself, mike and joe will be handing in our notice for this place at the end of the month. It's up to you whether you want to stay on and find new housemates, or hand in your notice too". Then don't get drawn into discussions of where you're going next, or who you'll be living with. Just keep it vague and say you're "looking" or you "found a new place in a house share".

Miaireland

Faith wrote:

Do you need to tell him that you're all moving in together? "Hey john, just FYI but myself, mike and joe will be handing in our notice for this place at the end of the month. It's up to you whether you want to stay on and find new housemates, or hand in your notice too". Then don't get drawn into discussions of where you're going next, or who you'll be living with. Just keep it vague and say you're "looking" or you "found a new place in a house share".

I think Faith is right. You mention that you don't really plan on staying in touch so really I wouldn't go into too many details.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply. Good advice, Faith, hadn't considered that option.

However, we have mutual friends so he will find out eventually. But your advice still stands as it'll stop the conservation from going that way - by the time he finds out it'll be too late to do anything anyway.

Thanks again. Not looking forward to the 'chat' but it's always going to tad awkward!

Airyfairy12

Id actually go against what Faith said as chances are he'll find out eventually either through someone else or through social media that youre still hanging out/living together and he's been excluded, it seems like a very childish approach to the situation and will no doubt be very hurtful for him, regardless of what he did, you should be better than that and have the integrity to tell him how it is. Its also a bit contradictory to lie and go behind his back and exclude him after complaining about him telling lies. Id just explain to him the whole situation as maturely as you can, say the facts, dont get petty or argumentative and leave it at that.

IvoryTower

If I thought he wouldn't find out I'd probably lie. "Moving home to save for a house, gluck"

pablo128

Say nothing. If he finds out later, just tell him you didn't want to live with a dirty animal anymore.

You're not his mother.

StupidLikeAFox

If you try tiptoe around it he will pick up on your vagueness and work out that something is up.

Just be honest with him, no need to act like teenagers. Tell him its not working out (which isn't a new thing for him to hear) and that the three of you are moving to a new place.

Cupcake_Crisis

I'd be upfront about it. He's going to find out anyway. Just tell him you don't think you are suited as housemates bit give him plenty of notice. Nothing he can do about it really.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the responses - appreciate the advice.

Should have mentioned in OP - we do have mutual friends so it is almost certain he'd find out eventually so I probably should mention it.

Just going to phrase it like "we are handing in notice in 1 month. Myself, X and Y are looking for a new place. You'll also need to look for a new place unless you can find people to move in here. It's just something that we want to do as we're not sure the current situation is not working". And then don't entertain any negotiation or explanation (no point going into reasons or 'I can be better discussions' as really we don't want to continue living together).

I'll try mention something like "we will try be flexible within reason re: the move-out date to make it as smooth as possible" but realistically don't want to give him a blank cheque either - in case he doesn't look for a new place as fast as we do etc.

dev100

HousemateWorries wrote:

As it's an equal house-share we can't kick him out so the only option is for the 3 of us to find a new place (without him).

Could Ye not just ask him to move out ? Honesty is best policy . Is he just a messy scrout or is he suffering with mental health issues ? If it were me I'd sit down with him and explain things aren't working out and either he moves out and finds a new pad or Ye are leaving either way the situation can't continue . You can do it in a blunt way but not in a nasty way. It saves all the nastiness of lies etc .

pilly

I don't know OP, to me the things that he's done aren't unforgivable and it will be quite hurtful to find out that the 3 of can't stand to live with him anymore. Thread carefully, you never know what's going on in other peoples lives either. There's no need to be cruel, I don't think he has been.

Wesser

A few years ago a house mate and myself had a personality clash. I was not smelly dirty or rude. She moved in NEXT DOOR with another friend of mine. I felt so humiliated and ganged up upon and hurt and I cried everyday for weeks. Even thinking of it now my eyes would well up.