Struggling over possible traumatic childhood memory

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,
Recently I started thinking about something that happened to me in a creche when I was about 3 or 4. It's something I've always vaguely remembered but not the full details. Recently though, out of nowhere, I've started thinking about it again and it's been bothering me when it never has before. There were 2 teachers in the creche. While one was lovely, I always remember taking a dislike to the other woman as from what I remember she was never very nice.
I can't remmeber exactly what happened but my freshest memory from my time there is my head down near a sandbox and her standing over me yelling. I remmeber there was another boy (same age as me) involved but what I can't remember is whether the woman actually shoved my head down near the sandbox. Years and years ago I was convinced it was the case. But I have little memories and I know the boy was involved and I think he may have accidebtky hit me with the spade which could be how I ended up down there. But I distinctly remember being distressed and the woman standing over me yelling. I guess what's plaguing me is the not knowing if she did actually grab my head and shove it in the sandbox. Sometimes I think I can actually remmeber her doing it but then other times I think it's just a false memory and it was the little boy and she was just standing over me not being sympathetic at all.
I guess my question is, why is it now at age 22 that I'm suddenly mulling over it and being bothered by it? I've thought about it more in the last couple of days than I have since I was a small child! Thanks in advance to any insight/advice

racso1975

Chances are you will never remember properly. Even with going to "specialists" who claim to be able to evoke the memory research has shown that it of little use.

It is also possible she was standing over you screaming at the other boy for hitting you.

The reason it is still a memory is because it was obviously a huge impact sense wise i.e. you got hit with a spade, there was screaming, you were probably crying, the sense of fear you and the other boy had and as a 3/4 yr old an adult standing over you in any capacity is like a giant kinda scary. As a toddler you may not have been exposed to any of these and it was like a sensory overload and hence they have stuck with you.

The mind is an exceptionally funny organ. you never know what might trigger a memory and what might activate a thought. It could be something as simple as a scene on a tv or a news article on a radio plus I have found you don't have to be actively listening for it to trigger a response.

If it helps the scenario of you being hit and your head ending up in the sandbox makes more sense then the creche worker actually shoving your head in the sandbox (obviously not saying that she didn't but given you are not sure i'm just going with the most rational thing). The fact that she was obviously someone you did not like and was unsympathetic to you in general may be the reason she become a bigger monster.

Do you have any other memories of this worker physically hitting, shoving or be aggressive like that with any other children or at any other stage with you?

This is something you will need to sort out in your head and overcome particularly if further down the line you intend becoming a parent and enrolling your child in a creche. you have yourself driven demented everyday thinking of what may possibly happen them.

up for anything

Maybe she was yelling at the little boy for hurting you and not actually yelling at you but you misread the situation at the time hence the incomplete memory now.

I wonder is there something else bothering you at the moment and this dwelling on a memory is a way of avoiding the other problem?

silverharp

I'd imagine its normal to have a few memories from childhood that popup again and again for whatever reason because there is something unresolved about it. In this case I'd just give it the most benign interpretation and move on, either the teacher was shouting out of panic or at the other kid. If its taking up a lot of your head space then it must be related to something else and not the memory by itself.

XsApollo

I have 1 memory that I have had recurring dreams over for a long. Long time.
Basically me looking out through the grass in the ground , like I am lying down and my cheek is against the grass so the grass is in front my eyes.
I can see feet walking past me and loud shouting.
Sometimes the dreams take different turns like I am trapped or whatever and they turn it into something else, but it always comes back to me in the grass and looking at feet.
Sometimes they are bad sometimes they arnt.

Anyway when in senior infants I was knocked out cold while playing outside,
A Hospital job didn't wake up for like 30 mins.
Anyway I know that's why I have that memory, but a lot of the times it manifests into other stuff in dreams.
If that makes sense lol.
Maybe something like that happened to yourself, ask your parents if you ever got a knock in the head at the crèche or something like that.

leggo

OP when you say it's bothering you, what do we mean here? Like are you losing sleep, waking up in a cold sweat, do you feel you need counselling? Or is it just annoying you? Is it something like you feel you may have been an abuse victim and are carrying around the scars today, but can't remember the actual abuse taking place?

You'll likely never get a detailed account of what happened. But, if it's bad enough that you feel you need to work through something, then by all means counselling might be worth your while just to put your mind at ease.

AidanadiA

The big issue with memories from our childhood is every time we recall the event at different stages, we try to understand the memory and we try to put it in context. The problem is we aren't looking at it as a child, we are looking at it from a grown up.

You didn't like the woman-
You remember the sand-
You remember the boy-
You remember something about a shovel-

If you were hit or injured there should be an incident report. Your parent/s would have been informed. Have you talked to them about it?

I have the incident reports (7 of them) from when my daughter was in daycare, they detail what the staff saw, what they did, and how she was before, during and after the incident.

Dunston

Seriously OP, as I read your post I thought of the articles I read a few months back about the kids in Aleppo who played in pools left by bomb craters as war raged on around them. Get on with your life!!

Taltos

Mod note
Dunston if you don't have constructive advice or can't offer it in a civil manner don't post here.
Dismissing the OPs issues by comparing it to atrocities elsewhere is gauche at best or just plain insensitive and cruel at worst.

Repeating "advice" like the above will quickly earn you a ban from this forum.