Arguments lead to no chemistry

LegacyUser

Hi guys. Have to go unregistered on this one. I’ve been with someone for less than a year, and have hit a rough patch. Too many arguments than there should be. The main thing is we’ve stopped having sex, and because of the tension and arguments, the chemistry has gone.

I’m not sure how to fix this. Talking to someone will help for sure.

I have other things going on between my ears that drive my other half mad. They are all fixable in theory, but I should be changing for myself and not for anyone else, well a bit of both really.

Maybe it’s not meant to be, and that’s fine, but previously I would have said “ah f*ck it, I’m done”, not I’m prepared to try try try until the end….

Anyone ever been in this situation? How do you bring back the chemistry?

zoobizoo

Depends on what the arguments are over and what is going on between your ears that you are voicing to them.

LegacyUser

arguments would be over me just being forgetful, messy around the house etc. It all builds up.
I complain a lot, don't have initiative apparently, no fresh ideas, no "oooomf".
I shy away from sex sometimes, as I think it's an added pressure in life, and the less I have it, the less I can be criticised, which itself leads to the problems I (we) find ourselves in.
A vicious circle...

unknowngirl!!

Why are you so willing to force it this time? If things aren't happening naturally at this early point in your relationship I doubt they will improve.

daisybelle2008

Tension, criticism, arguments and no sex or chemistry after less than a year?.
Seriously throw in the towel. Your self esteem is in the toilet, that is the reason you are trying to make it work. It won't, don't waste your time.

Brian?

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Tension, criticism, arguments and no sex or chemistry after less than a year?.
Seriously throw in the towel. Your self esteem is in the toilet, that is the reason you are trying to make it work. It won't, don't waste your time.

And do what afterwards? Not correct the behaviours that got the op where they are in the first place? Continue on with no change?

OP, sound to me like you really need to talk to a therapist. Sort out your own head. You may end the relationship anyway, but do it with a clear mind. Own your own feeling, don't let them own you.

Let the help in.

daisybelle2008

Brian? wrote: »

And do what afterwards? Not correct the behaviours that got the op where they are in the first place? Continue on with no change?

OP, sound to me like you really need to talk to a therapist. Sort out your own head. You may end the relationship anyway, but do it with a clear mind. Own your own feeling, don't let them own you.

Let the help in.

Maybe they shouldn't change who they are to please their partner? Maybe find one you are more compatible with, who is not criticising your sexual performance?
I'd change partner before I'd change myself if I was constantly getting criticised for my sexual ability and my forgetfulness. That's dysfunctional.

Brian?

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

Maybe they shouldn't change who they are to please their partner? Maybe find one you are more compatible with, who is not criticising your sexual performance?
I'd change partner before I'd change myself if I was constantly getting criticised for my sexual ability and my forgetfulness. That's dysfunctional.

I don't think that's what's happening though. At least I don't read it in the OPs posts. I feel you may be projecting here.

I never said the relationship was salvageable. I just want the OP to make clear decisions with a clear head. I also never said the OP should change themselves. I recommend they get to know themselves in a calm and clear way and use that clarity to make a decision.

zoobizoo

Is it a perceived lack of initiative OP.?

As in, you don't clean up or do much?

Do you feel that you aren't achieving in other areas in your life?

LegacyUser

zoobizoo wrote: »

Is it a perceived lack of initiative OP.?

As in, you don't clean up or do much?

Do you feel that you aren't achieving in other areas in your life?

I suppose I would be what you'd call an extreme procrastinator.

Am I achieving in other areas of life? I'm late 30s, and not as far along the career ladder as I should be, which is fine. That's my own doing. FInding it hard to save in Dublin, and thinking about going abroad. (why not be broke somewhere with better weather)

No, I'd be forgetful when cleaning etc, too used to being single I suppose.

I have argued with myself "why should I change" but when I think about it or it's pointed out to me, I do have things I need to change, or else I'll be single again and be happy out, because I'll be avoiding the issues at hand...

Nobody criticizes my "performance" either, but I'm aware that it's something you don't want to do badly.

I'm afraid to use the word "love" as I don't know what it means. (thought I was in love in the past, and it turned out not to be)

I do need to correct some behaviours for sure.

daisybelle2008

Brian? wrote: »

I don't think that's what's happening though. At least I don't read it in the OPs posts. I feel you may be projecting here.

I never said the relationship was salvageable. I just want the OP to make clear decisions with a clear head. I also never said the OP should change themselves. I recommend they get to know themselves in a calm and clear way and use that clarity to make a decision.

I agree with your sentiment. A calm clear head is needed. But I don't think it's achievable by staying in a dysfunctional situation. I believe would bring them down more and have the opposite affect? I dont believe I am reading something into that or projecting, but who knows maybe I am. I just can't see any positives in the couple of posts.

zoobizoo

It's frustrating for those who don't procrastinate going out with people who do.

I think you should investigate the reasons for your procrastination and not achieving as much as you would like at this point in your life.

Are you avoiding many things in life?

GuessWhoEh

There's no point in forcing something that isn't there. If there's no chemistry then what have you got to fall back on? It'll turn nasty if you let it drag on